posted
Long post warning. Very bad day for me today. Maybe th'is should be in "general", I'm not sure. I feel like I really failed myself today.
I was scheduled for a brain MRI today at 1:30. I really wasn't concerned about it other than making sure I could detox the contrast dye effectively. I go in and I get a really nice tech. I remember I had an MRI of my back years ago and was fine in the tube. I have a look at this big machine and think I can do this.
I get on the table, he gives me a blanket and I start to shake just a little. Ok, get control, I think. This is not painful, it's not like child-birth or something. Then comes this strappy head cage thing. Well my heart rate starts to go through the roof and surges of adreneline are making me tremble.
Now I'm embarrassed, I'm tougher then this I say to myself. Tears well up in my eyes because I can't believe I'm messing this thing up. I want to do this, I need to do this. Finally, the nice tech tells me that even if I want to do it, he thinks we wouldn't get very good pictures because of my shakng.
So I leave in tears feeling like I really let myself down. I remember when I first got sick, every idiot dr. I went to asked me why I was shaking and sweating. "What are you so nervous about?", they'd ask. Finally my LLMD explains to me that I'm sick with dysautonomia from these infections, I'm not nervous.
This is how I felt today except with an exception. When my LLMD told me that, I hadn't gotten any treatment yet. I'm still shaking and sweating with un-controlled adrenaline tremors after 11 months steady treatment?? No, I think, it must be me. I'm not a guy, but why can't I just man-up and do this sh#$?
I am so disgusted with these diseases. I feel like sometimes I can't even predict how I will react anymore to things. Sorry, this is so long and pessimistic. I kind of feel like a part of me is lost, kind of....hard to explain really. I can't even get myself through a pain-free procedure when all I have to do is lie there??!!
Trying to be resolved.....very disappointed in me today I guess.
I guess I could ask for some sedative( great, more stuff in my body) and give it another try. Now, I don't even know if I'll do that. Please pray for me today, my friends.
Posts: 246 | From south florida | Registered: Mar 2010
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TF
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 14183
posted
Lots of people need a valium to get an MRI.
I had the "cage" on my head & face. It was an open MRI. I really didn't like it, and I didn't have lyme at the time either. It is rather nerve-wracking.
So, lots of people can't go through with it due to moving, nervousness, etc. Ask doc if it is OK to have it done at an open MRI. And, find out if a valium would stop your shaking. The doc should know what med would do it.
Posts: 9931 | From Maryland | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You never know how things are going to hit you. You have a lot your dealing with and this disease is horrid.
I don't even have lyme but I have to watch my daughter go thru this. There are days I can't even stop crying and I don't even know if I'M going to make it. Can u believe that one? I never know when it will hit me. Or the fact that my son is graduating from high school this year and just thinking about that makes me cry. Even writing it.
So please you are entitled to feel the way you do. You are going thru so much trying to treat this. It wreaks havoc on your mental state. So what then is my problem? There ya go...atleast you have a reason for doing what u do.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You will get the MRI done. Not to worry. There are so many people who can't have an MRI and they're not going thru half of what you are. So give yourself a break right now.
You will get your old self back. You have to believe that. You are discouraged today...but tomorrow you will wake up and it will be better.
God bless you,
Deb g
Posts: 499 | From Malta, NY | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Thank you so much, Deb. Sometimes words of encouragement mean so much. Thanks for your kind spirit.
Posts: 246 | From south florida | Registered: Mar 2010
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gwb
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7273
posted
RESOLVED, I've been thinking about you today and wondering how your MRI went. Sorry it didn't go as you had hoped. Don't be so hard on yourself. You could not have known that this was how you'd react when you took the test today.
There's always another time. If you need a sedative to help you get through it, so be it. Ask your doctor ahead of time to have the radiologist give you a sedative, or if you have and Xanax, or something like that, take it right before your next MRI test.
You are right, we cannot predict how we will react to these things. This disease can throw us a curve ball right when we least expect it. I know, I've been there. Your disease is what caused this to happen, not you, not because you're weak, not because you failed, it's this no good disease. Don't blame yourself for it, it's not your fault, so don't be disappointed in yourself.
It happens to all of us. I could tell you dozens of stories about how my emotions got out of control while getting an CT scan, MRI or even a simple blood test. I'd burst out crying for no reason at all. How dumb was that? But it's the nature of this disease and we never know how it's going to affect us.
One time I was being treated by my doctor in his office, all the sudden my mind wandered off on my grandkids. I started thinking about how much I wanted to be well for them so I could play with them and do normal things that grandpa's do with their grandkids.
Out of the blue, I burst out crying in the doctor's office (and I'm a man by the way). My emotions just went out of control and I too felt embarrassed by my behavior. It's not something we can always control, and it's definitely not something you need to be disappointed in yourself about.
There's always next time. Arrange to have a sedative the next time you do this, or have your doctor prescribe you some Xanax or something that will keep you calm during the test.
Yes, I will be praying for you. Let it go and know that what you shared is something that many of us have experienced before. You have nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about. This too shall pass.
posted
I am so sorry. Both me and my daughter are VERY prone to the shakes. Because of lyme we have over sensitive neurological systems. We are VERY cold intolerant to the point of visible shaking and adreneline sensitive.
It is not your fault...this is what the disease does to our nervous systems. I agree, something to relax you and calm the CNS will be helpful.
Hang in there
Posts: 747 | From Utah | Registered: Apr 2010
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Very bad day for me today. Maybe th'is should be in "general", I'm not sure. I feel like I really failed myself today.
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