posted
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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hopeful123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3244
posted
-------------------- some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield Posts: 1160 | From NY | Registered: Oct 2002
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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trueblue
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posted
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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posted
OK....trueblue didn't like that one. How about this one??
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O! ___________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
I like them TuTu, they are groaners, though.
I especially like the water one.
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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Tincup
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5829
posted
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen..
Looks like a clear cut case of a lime in d' coconut!
posted
Okay, I got one. A grasshopper goes into a bar jumps up onto a barstool and say,"Hey Bartender, make me a drink". The bartender came back sat a drink down and said," I made you a drink named after you". The grasshopper said, "STEVE"?????
Posts: 158 | From PA. | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Thanks Lymetoo and everybody else!
Posts: 89 | From UT | Registered: Jun 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
2 more jokes!
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that Sullivan had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that Sully comes to church every Sunday. I also knew that Sully had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Sully's hat!."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal Sully's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Sully's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." ********************************************
REDNECK LOVE POEM...
Susie Lee done fell in love She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy `bout it all She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal, You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know, But Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe, And planned to marry Will But after telling Pappy this, He said, "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal, And please don't tell yo' mother, But Will and Joe, and several mo' I know is yo' half brother''.
But Mama knew and said, my child, Just do what makes you happy. Marry Will or marry Joe. You ain't no kin to Pappy.
posted
Here's a bit of Sunday School humor. Enjoy.
STORY OF ELIJAH The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.
And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES AND THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the Lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.
"Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, The grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
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posted
There were three men waiting at the Pearly Gates to enter Heaven. St. Peter asked the same qustion of each of them, "What have you done with your life that insures you deserve entry to Heaven?"
The first man answered, " I was a cardiac surgeon who invented a revolutionary technique used in open-heart surgery that has saved thousands of lives."
"Very well, you may enter." replied St. Peter.
The second man responded to the question with, "I was the founder of a major Children's Charity which raised millions of dollars and saved and enriched countless lives of impoverished children."
"Very good, you may enter."
The third man was ready with his response to the question. "Well, you know I totally revolutionized the health care industry. I invented the HMO!"
"Very well, you may enter, BUT you can only stay THREE DAYS!!"
Posts: 260 | From Virginia | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
There was this very rich man that died. Standing by the Pearly Gate, he cried his eyes out before St Peter, begging him to let him go back to earth again and bring something with him to heaven.
St Peter was moved by the man's tears, and even though it was not allowed, he let the rich man go back to earth. He would get another few hours and bring back a bag of something he wanted to take with him into heaven.
A few hours passed, and the rich man stood by the Pearly Gate again, this time with a bag in his hands. Before St Peter opened the gate, he asked to see what the rich man had brought with him. The rich man opened the bag, and proudly presented several bricks of gold.
"What?!" St Peter said puzzled "Why did you want to bring cobblestone with you!?"
Posts: 155 | From Norway | Registered: Jan 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Siggy, good one!
Want to be forever eliminated from the guest list? Just take this to your next "pot luck" dinner!!
Kitty Litter Cake" * ~
This is *no joke*
READ THE INGREDIENTS AND STUFF FIRST AND THEN LOOK AT THE PHOTO...TRUST ME...
WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE,? BUT YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT THINK SO!
On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board.
After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so my wife could make it, which she refused to do.
I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below show the results of her work.
It doesn't look very nice, but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along.
CAKE INGREDIENTS: ************************** 1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS" ***************** 1 NEW cat-litter box 1 NEW cat-litter box liner 1 NEW pooper scooper
1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan.
Prepare pudding and chill.
Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor.
Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.
2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl.
Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy.
Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.
3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points.
Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture.
Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.
4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box.
Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy! ?
"Kitty Litter Cake" ... photo looked just like you would expect!! yukky!
ANY OF YOU WHO HAVE A HALLOWEEN PARTY TO GO TO, THINK ABOUT THIS CAKE, Bettyg
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posted
Thanks all, I needed a laugh. The kitty litter cake would be excellent at an April Fools Day pot luck!
Posts: 956 | From MA | Registered: Nov 2004
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick OR ...." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee. ---------------------------------
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway. Bettyg
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Great cake recipe! Sent that to my niece who is a veterinarian!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?" ---------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." ---------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---------------------------------------------- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. ************************
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over .
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! BG
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
"MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD"
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house; "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" ********************* Rednecks know how to git-R-dun!!
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bettyg
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posted
A farmer named Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Ole.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, "Vell, , I'll tell ewe vhat happened. I had ust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da...."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Ole said, "Vell, , I had ust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down de road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Vell, as I vas saying, I had ust Loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, onto de trailer and vas drivin' her down De highway vhen dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran de stop sign and smacked my truck right in two de side ouf my truck an' I vas trone into Vun ditch and Bessie was trone into de udder side. I vas hurtin' real bad and didn't Vant to move.
I could hear 'Ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I kneeew she vas in terrible shape just by her groans!!!!!
Den, after de accident, a Highway Patrolman came on de scene. He ,also, Could hear my Bessie moaning and groaning. He vent over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.!!!! Den the Patrolman came across the road: gun in his hand, vell, he looked at me, and Asked "How are you feeling?"
"Now vat would ewe say?!" ************************
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posted
What is his occupation? A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Head goes to the bar A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
-------------------- You're only a failure when you stop trying. Posts: 945 | From U.S | Registered: Oct 2004
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Micul, cute! The next 2 are from other lymenetters to me:
Pending Marriage
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car! *************************************
Drag the circle button, on the meter to the right to see the different bra sizes. Watch the expressions on their faces.
posted
Posts: 240 | From MA | Registered: Nov 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Lena's car breaks down on the Highway 61 just outside of Winona one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out of the trunk jump two men; Lars and Sven in trench coats, who stand at the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in the history of the highway. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"Ya, vell my car broke down," says Lena, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop.
And she said ,,,,"Vell, officer dose are my emergency flashers!"
Betcha never seed dat wone comin ******************** Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." **********
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked way. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. **********
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! *******
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too! *******
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced, "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".
No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so were half of the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a good laugh! *******************
New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I is for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I am keeping 26 doctors fully employed *************************************************
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bettyg
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posted
Attitude IS Everything!
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, And noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I Think I'll braid my hair today?" So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had Only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part My hair down the middle today?" So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she Had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to Wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that the re Wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have To fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fight ing some kind of battle. Live simply; love generously; care deeply; speak kindly.......leave the rest to God. Have a Good Day ******************* The "Middle Wife", by an Anonymous 2nd Grade teacher:
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.
It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I m going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'"
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"
Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!".
This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.
Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along. ********************
Older 'n Dirt!!
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were d i r t y and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a good laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. Real ice boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) 12. Pea-shooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork pop-guns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!! Especially to all your really OLD friends.... ===== "Senility Prayer"...God grant me... The senility to forget the people I never liked The good fortune to run into the ones that I do And the eyesight to tell the difference." Have a great week ********************** Did you ever wonder what a Husband does while he is in a store waiting for his wife to shop? Read on. .
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in House wares!"..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
...and; last, but not least
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) 12. Pea-shooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork pop-guns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
MONDAY It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY Today John asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. John asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY John did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason John keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY John's family came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on John. If I can talk John into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
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I wished the graphics would have shown up on below!
Importance of Walking
----- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
.............And last but not least,
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
*********************
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with way too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
********************************
Who Says Men Can't Remember Anniversaries? ------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do! " she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."
posted
True story- Breakfast at Carol's-Oatmeal with a Dash of Dog Food
I've been trying to tell people I cannot multi task- I should pay heed:
Oatmeal cooking on the stove.
Opened can of dogfood to feed dogs. Scooped out food for one dog.Started to scoop out food for the other other dog.
Decided I wanted to add small box of raisins to cooking oatmeal. Accidently dropped the whole little card board box into oatmeal.
I was smart enough not to reach in with my hand to retrieve the cardboard from boiling water- I used the spoon in my other hand-which was full of dog food
Oatmeal? Dog Food? it all looks about the same-I'll let you know how it tastes with raisins and a small pat of butter-no cardboard.
PS- those little cardboard boxes of raisins are a lot easier to open when blanched.
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quote:Originally posted by Cobweb: True story- Breakfast at Carol's-Oatmeal with a Dash of Dog Food
I've been trying to tell people I cannot multi task- I should pay heed:
Oatmeal cooking on the stove.
Opened can of dogfood to feed dogs. Scooped out food for one dog.Started to scoop out food for the other other dog.
Decided I wanted to add small box of raisins to cooking oatmeal. Accidently dropped the whole little card board box into oatmeal.
I was smart enough not to reach in with my hand to retrieve the cardboard from boiling water- I used the spoon in my other hand-which was full of dog food
Oatmeal? Dog Food? it all looks about the same-I'll let you know how it tastes with raisins and a small pat of butter-no cardboard.
PS- those little cardboard boxes of raisins are a lot easier to open when blanched.
I used the spoon I was dishing the cat food out with to stir my coffee. Mmmm, mmmm NOT!
No multi tasking for me either... Posts: 240 | From MA | Registered: Nov 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Lena and the SNOW PLOW
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made the way to her car and wondered how she was going to get home.
Lena remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way, she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made Lena feel much better, and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by and she started to closely follow it.
After an hour had passed, the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and walked back to Lena's car and signaled her to roll down the window.
"Why have you been following me for so long?" he asked.
"Because my husband, Ole, said to follow a snow plow if I got caught in a blizzard."
The snow plow driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could keep following if he wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going to Kmart next. Husband/wife things
A man and his wife are having some problems at home and are giving each other the silent treatment.
But, the man realizes that the next day, he needs his wife to wake him early for a 7 a.m. business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence - and lose - he writes on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m." He leaves it where he knows she will find it.
The next morning, the man wakes up, only to discover that it is 8:30 a.m. and he has missed his flight.
Furious, he is about to rage at his wife to ask why she hadn't awakened him. Then, he notices a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper says, "It is 5 a.m. Wake up!" **********************************************
-----ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa D i Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads." **************************************
this one had the cutest graphics that won't copy!
I AM THANKFUL FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. I JUST DID.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart! ********************************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
this had 3 angels flying around....
"Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up." 3 angels are sent to you. Have faith ***************************************
REMEMBER WHEN? I came across this phrase yesterday. "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like "curb feelers"
And "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these.
Just for fun, Pass it along to others of "a certain age"!
this showed the actual photos of these "remembrances", and brought memories for this 57 years young in mind; 75 bodywise! ****************************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
WEATHER FORECAST -- INDIANS VS. WEATHER SERVICE!
It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild?
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold ?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter ?"
"Yes," the man at National weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold ?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure ?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center.
***************
THE TRAIN OF LIFE !!!!
Some folks ride the train of life Looking out the rear, Watching miles of life roll by, And marking every year.
They sit in sad remembrance, Of wasted days gone by, And curse their life for what it was, And hang their head and cry.
But I don't concern myself with that, I took a different vent, I look forward to what life holds, And not what has been spent.
So strap me to the engine, As securely as I can be, I want to be out in the front, To see what I can see.
I want to feel the winds of change, Blowing in my face, I want to see what life unfolds, As I move from place to place.
I want to see what's coming up, Not looking at the past, Life's too short for yesterdays, It moves along too fast.
So if the ride gets bumpy, While you are looking back, Go up front, and you may find, Your life has jumped the track.
It's all right to remember, That's part of history, But up front's where it's happening, There's so much mystery.
The enjoyment of living, Is not where we have been, It's looking ever forward, To another year and ten.
It's searching all the byways, Never should you refrain, For if you want to live your life, You've gotta drive the train.
All Aboard Everybody... ********************
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally die d a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd both still be alive . **************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." ~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make." ~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Mid-life is when you go to the dr. and you realize, you are now so OLD; you have to pay someone to look at you NAKED!
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posted
Nice starting my day with a few good laughs! Way to go, bettyg!!
I will do may share and come with a really silly one:
The rabbit went to the city, into the bakery and asked the man behind the counter; " do you have carrot-cake?" "No", answered the man, and the rabbit left only to return the following day.
"Do you have carrot-cake?" the rabbit asked again "no, sorry we don't sell carrot-cake", said the man again, somewhat irritated and the rabbit left.
The following day rabbit returned again. Same bakery, same man behind the counter; "do you have carrot-cake?" The man exploded in a rage: "NO!! WE DON'T SELL CARROT-CAKE!!! IF YOU COME BACK HERE AGAIN, ASKING FOR CARROT-CAKE, I WILL NAIL YOUR EARS TO THE WALL!!!"
Of course little cute rabbit hopped out of the store, sad not to get his carrot-cake.
The following day the rabbit returned to the bakery - again. Same man, same store. The man was getting ready to explode as he saw the rabbit approaching.
"Do you have a hammer?" asked the rabbit "NO!?" "Do you have nails?" "NO!? THIS IS A BAKERY!!" " Do you have carrot-cake then?"
posted
Bettyg; I had to read twice; "UFFDA!". startled to see a norwegian expression on this board, my mind couldn't cope with it for a few secs. Posts: 155 | From Norway | Registered: Jan 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
siggy, remember, i'm part norwegian on dad's side!
mom, dad, i, dad's 2 surviving sisters, and 3 of their children/spouses = 13 of us flew over in 7-1984 for 15 days there.
spent 1 wk. on tour bus; other week we met and stayed with never met before relatives!
dad's norwegian got rusty then; he committed us to going to things and didn't realize it!
we loved our visit there; beauty, fresh fruits, air/water.
but not the single lane highways where you'd have to back up 1/2 miles or more where a semi-trailer could get around you,
the nothing around all those curves where if you go off the highway, it's into the fjord or rocks below!
our only unpleasant thing was dad was pickpocketed as we were leaving our oslo hotel to board the bus to airport. dad took all cash; couldn't convince him to take traveler's checks; so they got $600 plus another $200-300 that my aunt and i paid for gas and the car rental for 1 week! mom/i could have had a hay day spending that money on gifts/jewelry/glassware we'd seen.
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom !
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter ."
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.
posted
the organist-story was great!! Thanks for the laughs!!
Some trip you had to Norway though. I guess the single lane roads are a just made for tourists. We usually go by helicopter (no we don't)
I've had quite a few scary moments myself on those tiny roads. Places where you wouldn't believe a truck would dare driving. Enormous tourist-busses trying to get around a bend. Every year there is a story of a bus or a truck that is stuck somewhere out in nowhere.
They are our free roller-coaster-roads!!
Posts: 155 | From Norway | Registered: Jan 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
siggy, yes, i was on that huge tourist bus, and so agree with what you just wrote! uffda! scarry!
when i was driving from odda back to oslo, i was doing too much scenic driving, and almost went off the road into the fjord! mom yelled at me getting me back to staying on the road, and then i was the driver watching road; NOT gorgious scenery.
cassie, i'm guilty as charged; but it was a CLEAN joke! i only post the best i get!!
actually 2 wks. ago when i was i was denied hip surgery by surgeon, i sent an email to ALL who email me these goodies, asking them to STOP SENDING stories, jokes, etc. it just takes so much time, and i needed that time/energy to find a hip surgeon who'll take me in spite of 4 life-threatening illnesses.
but my 1st cousin, judy, sneaks 1 in daily ... the cream of the crop! if i belly laugh, i bring it here for you all to enjoy as i did!
so i won't be posting many as i used to. i'd get 10-25 daily from my many sources!
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quote:Originally posted by bettyg: tutu, glad you enjoyed that one! i'd forgotten hubby was in a band!
how'd you do during ice storm/snow in your state? thought ab0ut you tutu!
We got VERY LUCKY. Springfield is a MESS and it all began about 15-20 miles north of us. Whew!!! Fortunately, it didn't freeze here until all the moisture was over.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
tutu, you really lucked out being so close; been watching all the tv news; what a mess!
got this one tonight, it's a must see on graphics especially the USA FLAG how it changes into so many shapes in seconds and wonderful music!
posted
my belly is still laughing from this good one from a lymenetter today! thanks janet!
Mrs. Goodnest
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? "
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Hi lymies, boy, for those growing up in the 40-5o's, boy are you going to love this link!
as i type this, i started at the top and saw HENRY ALDRICH family, so i'm listening to henry goes ice skating as i type this; lots of GOOD, CLEAN LAUGHS FOR THIS LINK! try it.
lymenet will never be the same again with all this laughter you can find here!
This is a link to some old time radio shows
i f you want some good laughs and memories of some of the best comedians it is worth listening too.
They have other radio shows too and if you have ever wondered what they were like it's worth listening too. Judy
posted
OH those definitions were AWESOME!!! Right on!!
I'll have to check out the other link on the radio shows. My father-in-law had some tapes of old radio shows and they were great!!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
thank you iceskater for the below one!
Why God made Moms:
BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between Moms and Dads?
1. Moms works at work and works at home and dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING SEND IT ON TO OTHERS!
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy! I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that, maybe, this is a good omen, so he says, Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one" The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, " Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life ?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life ."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer! *******************************************
thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who, me?
5 Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well, darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no --- not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh, No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS *********************************
SERIOUS now, a 12 yr. old artist prodigy's work!
folks with dial-up like me, will take awhile due to buffering; but this is well worth it! watch the photos as it buffers along! have some reading material handy! bettyg, iowa enjoy !
I have seen this artist on Oprah so I know that she is real. This short movie clip shows her work and it is incredible. Judy ********************************
Amazing Art of Jim Warren; gorgeous kids' drawings !
You have got to see these paintings...WOW! children will love these!
posted
There is more truth than poetry in some of the sayings ....
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money! -Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.
"One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn".
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." *********************
A Few Inches Deep ==================
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond.
Walking over to a local villager, who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked, "Say, son, how deep is this pond?" "Oh, only a few inches," replied the challenged person. *************************************************
After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat, and within a few seconds was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond, he finally reached his hat and then struggled back to edge.
Climbing out, he screamed, "Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!"
"Well, the water only comes half way up that duck over there." *******************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
CHOCOLATE SINGS
One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch.
When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.
The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes. I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want UN-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing.
I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.
Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect.
Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS!
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
A SERIOUS ONE WITH "SOUL"!
Why Women Cry
Watch her eyes ...had a graphic showing tears coming down her cheeks!
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
You will boost another woman's self-esteem. Pass it on to men too - perhaps they will then understand "why women cry". ------------------------------
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hello is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
One man asked another man when do you know if it is time to do the dishes and wash the clothes.
The other man told him to look in his pants......if "it" is still there....then it's not time.
Sounds just like my husband!!!!!
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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![[woohoo]](graemlins/woohoo.gif)
![[spinning smile]](graemlins/spinsmile.gif)
Thanks Lymetoo and everybody else!
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[toilet]](graemlins/toilet.gif)
![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked way. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. ![[confused]](graemlins/confused.gif)
![[lick]](graemlins/facelick.gif)
NOT! ![[bonk]](graemlins/bonk.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[kiss]](graemlins/kissing.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
(no we don't)
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