lymeladyinNY
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10235
posted
Well, the families that were supposedly interested in my son and met him today backed out and said they didn't want him to live with them. They gave no explanation - just a quick e-mail - "Sorry, he doesn't fit in."
I prayed, and prayed, and prayed for a placement in my hometown. For months I've suffered with this. When I heard that two families from my hometown wanted to meet him I thought my prayers had been answered!
It is SO, SO hard to have gotten my hopes up only to see them dashed again. I wish I hadn't dared to dream that good things were finally coming my way.
I'm sicker than ever - I thought I would die last night from two terrible attacks, first babs, then bart. The skin around the wound on my tailbone is breaking down and looks terrible according to the nurse this morning.
I think I might be too sick for surgery but what choice do I have?
And then, I have a meeting at school this afternoon to discuss the unusual behaviors of my youngest son. He is behaving like a traumatized person does. Perhaps having a very sick mother and a special-needs brother is too much for him.
And the service coordinator gave me the news about my oldest in such a blase fashion - like, "Oh, well! Better luck next time!" She is unbelievably heartless and has no idea that she is that way.
I can't help it - I am so devastated. I know that I'm supposed to wait on God and he'll see me through. Well, I've been waiting for almost 13 years for the light at the end of the tunnel to emerge. I'm damn sick of waiting. I'm damned mad at Him. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone.
It's going to take me awhile to find serenity again. Meanwhile, cynicism and anger reign.
- Lymelady
-------------------- I want to be free Posts: 1170 | From Endicott, NY | Registered: Sep 2006
| IP: Logged |
sutherngrl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16270
posted
We all get angry at God from time to time. Its okay to get angry and its okay to let Him know. Some of the ppl closest to God in the Bible, let Him know when they were angry at Him. He wants us to discuss all of our feelings with Him. That is part of having a close relationship with Him.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Life can be so cruel to us at times.
Sometimes the greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Sometimes God takes us down a path that seems like its going in the wrong direction; but He knows best.
Don't worry about being angry at God. He understands everything we feel.
Posts: 4035 | From Mississippi | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
Hambone
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 29535
posted
quote:Originally posted by sutherngrl: Don't worry about being angry at God. He understands everything we feel.
Yep. He knows it's scary to be us.
Someday He will tell us why we went through all we did.
Posts: 1142 | From South | Registered: Dec 2010
| IP: Logged |
Carol in PA
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5338
posted
quote:Originally posted by lymeladyinNY: The skin around the wound on my tailbone is breaking down and looks terrible according to the nurse this morning.
I think I might be too sick for surgery but what choice do I have?
I'm so sorry that it didn't work out with your son getting a new caretaker.
Although I can't do anything about those problems, I do know of something that will help your wound to heal.
LED light therapy uses specific wavelengths of light that transmit energy to the mitochondria in the cells of the body. Inflammation and pain are reduced, wounds heal five times as quickly.
You can google for LED light therapy research to read about the science behind it. Our astronauts and military use it.
You can get this treatment at a place that does physical therapy, and other practitioners may use it also. When I found out about this, I decided that buying a light therapy unit made more sense for me, rather than traveling to an office and paying for the treatments.
The 660 wavelength goes skin deep, and these are often advertised to improve the skin on your face.
The 880 wavelength penetrates about five inches into the body. I've used it on back pain, joint pain, abdominal pain, muscle spasms.
When I first got it, I had a sore on my earlobe that had been there for six months. I used LightWorks on it, and it healed in three days.
I'm very impressed with this technology. I wish that I had had access to it when I worked in the hospital, as we often had patients with skin breakdown and bedsores.
Carol
Posts: 6947 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
I will add my two cents that yes serenity gets whalloped
it is part of spiritual life.
Won't upset me in the least. I have yelled at God plenty of times.
One time I had been at it every day for months. and I distinctly heard "are you done yet?"
not sarcastically...just a calm voice.
I thought abut a second and yelled "NOOOO!" and I ranted and raved for a couple more weeks until I was done.
then I was done.
He answered my prayers to change circumstances thereafter...my changing me first.
but he did take me out of it down the road.
with lyme & co though I too often did/do not even have the energy to be angry....
so it can involute into depression and hopeless feelings.
I pray your lifeline to renewed hope remains connected and strong.
-------------------- Not everything in life that can be counted counts and not every thing that counts can be counted...Albert Einstein Posts: 208 | From Northeast | Registered: Aug 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Oh, I'm so sorry. I know you're trying so hard to do the right thing.
God knows you're mad at him and it's o.k. Keep up the faith. He WILL come through for you.
What good is coming out of the journey? There has to be something....hmmmm.....sometimes we have to dig way down deep.
Posts: 140 | From Phoenix AZ | Registered: Jan 2011
| IP: Logged |
Oh goodness, I am so sorry. To have your hopes lifted only to be shot down is just not right, especially when it comes to your child.
If it's any consolation at all, since neither family offered an explanation or at least offered some sort of excuse maybe they weren't so great in the first place? I know, that doesn't help much :/
Now you're back to square one with your son. And YOU have to try to not slip back to where you were. You can't go back to that.
I know it's easy to say and hard to do. Having a disabled child in limbo is extraordinarily stressful on a healthy parent, much less a sick one. A situation like this takes everything you have inside and drains you on so many levels while your heart is being stepped on.
Telling someone to not worry/get sick over it is the equivalent of telling them not to breathe. But please, tell yourself over and over that you have to try and stay calm and maintain your own health as best you can for the sake of yourself and your family.
Carol's advice for the cyst sounds really good. I hope you can look into that. Maybe you could use that laser for a bit before the surgery?
And your surgery is next week. Do you think you should postpone for a little while?
Geez, and on top of all this you had a meeting at school for your youngest son??? How much more crap can be added to your pile? I hope the meeting went well.
I totally understand your feelings about God. How could you not feel that way?
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Maybe He'll hear me better?
Darwin, I think your post is very nice and supportive. But honestly I don't see the good that comes from this no matter how far you dig. It just plain sucks. Maybe down the road there will be a silver lining, but you have to wonder why some people suffer through so much. Of course I'm not speaking for Lymelady, this is just my own opinion.
-------------------- You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
---Eleanor Roosevelt Posts: 748 | From somewhere | Registered: May 2010
| IP: Logged |
lymeladyinNY
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10235
posted
Alana, I wrote you two books as PMs.
Thank you for the support, everyone. I'm still upset today and I'm still mad at God. Your story is an interesting one, Deerose.
I am too sick to be so emotionally upset all the time. It just takes so much energy. I see an old lady in the mirror all of a sudden. These past few months have taken a lot out of me.
Carol, thanks for the idea - I will definitely look into it. Anything to speed up the healing process!
I'm starting to think that God saw the situation and thought it wasn't right for my son. And yet, the situation he's in right now is definitely not good, either. Sigh.
- Lymelady
-------------------- I want to be free Posts: 1170 | From Endicott, NY | Registered: Sep 2006
| IP: Logged |
Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
lymelady,
I'm sorry that you are experiencing so many burdens and trials.
God knows us better than we know ourselves.
He knows your heart. We don't understand because we can't see the big picture.
I can tell that you are not a quitter...you will persevere.
Keep praying and believing. One thing I learned in the last year while going through some very rough times...
...when burdens get worse and things seem hopeless, move closer to God and pray harder, and hope will come.
I find that listening to Joyce Meyer's messages help alot.
Here are some that may help you...
Joyce Meyer: Finding Hope in Troubled Times parts 1-3.
May God give you comfort, hope and strength to get through all of your trials.
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
| IP: Logged |
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
remember,
when God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
I think about you and your son all the time. I know something good will come your way.
The following words I have to offer may be too simple, but I feel compelled to share a lesson from my class last night ( I volunteer to teach kids at church on wednesdays).
We were talking about God's gift of Grace. I first told the kids we were going on a canoe trip down the Delaware River and asked who wanted an oar (it 's a free gift with the canoe trip, but you didn't have to accept it).
Most took it. As I told the story, they used their oars to navigate around boulders, through rapids, and even to help each other out of some sticky situations, like getting tangled in the branches of the downed trees near the shore.
As we all found out, and some who have bee canoeing already knew, those oars are solid.
It's nice (but not surprising at all) to see others paddling their canoes over to you, lymelady, to travel down the river with you for awhile.
Not only do you have your oar, you've got us other canoeists with you, too!
(too corny??)
Posts: 797 | From New York | Registered: Feb 2008
| IP: Logged |
lymeladyinNY
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10235
posted
No, not too corny, Carly. More like touching and gratefully accepted! Thank you, All, for the encouragement and advice. I love my Lymenet friends!
-------------------- I want to be free Posts: 1170 | From Endicott, NY | Registered: Sep 2006
| IP: Logged |
map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
lymelady, I feel so sad for you and your boys. I'm sure the one son is effected by the sickness around him.
Don't give up. Look through the window randi quoted is open. It's there, I know it is. You will find some relief soon.
Help is there somewhere. Never give up!
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6478 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
daisyrlb
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15686
posted
lymelady,
I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Living in this broken world, with broken people can be the pits at time...make that the bottom of the pit!
God is very big and can more than handle our anger, and anything else we throw at Him. He already knows our hurts and our hearts anyway.
Why He doesn't reach in and "save the day" at the exact moment we think He should...I do not know.
But He has promised to comfort and be close to the broken hearted. I have experienced that and I pray that you do too.
Just said a prayer for you and your family.
Posts: 2188 | From Oklahoma | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
lymeladyinNY
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10235
posted
My darling is home for a short weekend visit, and of course, I am bedridden. I plan to stay on the couch downstairs so that I can at least SEE him. He is fun to watch and I love to listen to him. He is nonverbal but makes the sweetest babbling noises and he often screeches with delight. I love to be his mommy, and I just want the best for him. A friend of mine told me to remember that God loves him even more than I do. I'm trying to remember - and to cherish the times we have together!
-------------------- I want to be free Posts: 1170 | From Endicott, NY | Registered: Sep 2006
| IP: Logged |
daisyrlb
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15686
posted
What a sweet write...awww the love of a mother. He is blessed.
You share, "and to cherish the times we have together!" WOW! That's a great message for all of us, for today and everyday.
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We only have today! We have today!!!
Posts: 2188 | From Oklahoma | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
lymeladyinNY
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10235
posted
Thank you, Daisy - for everything!
-------------------- I want to be free Posts: 1170 | From Endicott, NY | Registered: Sep 2006
| IP: Logged |
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way. I've been there. You need to say those things, it's the truth of what you feel and are experiencing.
P.S. I hate today. I hated yesterday, and I'll keep hating each day until tomorrow is finally "symptom free." So living in the present moment doesn't sit too well with me. I'd rather be drugged or in a coma.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
METALLIC...if you were drugged or in a coma, we here at Lymenet would be worse off. I read your post often and have learned some valuable things from you.
Sue
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
lymeladyinNY
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10235
posted
That's right, Metallic is one of my favorites here on Lymenet. Boy, do I relate - yesterday was such a miserable day that I felt like I was drowning in a mire of emotional/physical/mental/spiritual turmoil. And do I ever get grouchy when I'm in that state. My husband runs away from me. I took a nap and was disappointed when I woke up.
At least the physical pain is better today, but I'm not looking forward to having an open wound on my tailbone in two days. Sigh.
Trying to keep my mind off my troubles is impossible sometimes!!
-------------------- I want to be free Posts: 1170 | From Endicott, NY | Registered: Sep 2006
| IP: Logged |
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic