Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I just found out by checking our bank records, that my husband sent two dozen red roses to someone on 6/2/11.
He is out of town.
He just e-mailed me and told me he is taking himself out of the equation.
What do I do? I can't breathe.
Total melt down and panic attack.
What about our children? The house? The massive debt he has run up?
Please pray for me.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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merrygirl
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Oh no! I am so sorry. I dont really have advice, but want you to know I am praying for you.
personally, I would rather be sick and alone than sick being disrespected (cheating) and tormented.
What a horrible thing to have to deal with. Any way to track where the flowers went?
Did you bust him and he told you he wanted out? thats even worse.
I am sorry to say this, But i would get checked for STD's....you dont need any of those.
Ugh I am so mad for you.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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merrygirl
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posted
he didnt even have the decency to talk to your face? He sent you an email? Thats really low and disgusting. what a coward.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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posted
i think some spouses just get tired of taking care of a sick partner...
my husband has given up A LOT because of my illness. he is incredible though...
i think there are many men i could have married who would have left me when things got this rough.
idk, i just think that if her husband was sick, he wouldn't have the energy to be going out having an affair...
it sounds like he just has a typical case of horrible-selfish-human being
i know there is someone better for you out there geneal, nobody deserves this!!!
Posts: 442 | From usa | Registered: Oct 2010
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randibear
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posted
find out who the roses went to and then call her and up and say "oh he's going to pay child support alright"...and then tell her he's got lyme, it's permanent and contagious!!
this po's me big time. get that lawyer, change the locks and throw his stuff out. it's called "DESERTION" and that's what he's done. save that email -- it's ammunition.
clean out the accounts if you're name is on them. sell what you can.
take him to the cleaners.
legally i can tell you this cause my mom went through it. if he ran up debts in his name, not yours, then it's his bills. however, if your name is anywhere on that debt, baby, you'll pay.
and if you really get po'd call his place of employment and ask about why he's going to all this "training" and it puts a hardship on the family, etc. then his job will be in jeopardy...
get nasty. but you're gonna have to be really tough and hard. protect yourself.
but first you cry....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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scorpiogirl
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posted
Hi Geneal,
First of all I'm truly sorry for what you are going through and I pray that God will give you the strength to do what's best for you and the children.
From the post you wrote the other day, what he has been doing to you leading up to the latest thing should NOT have come as a surprise to you. He is a coward for not sitting down to talk face to face and give you the respect that a wife and mother of his children deserves.
He did try to tell you in his round about way that he is done with this marriage. PLEASE don't give him any more power to mess with your head and your life. You have the children to think of!!
Let me share with you what my close friend is going through. She is married to this "thing" I can't bring myself to call him a man (that would be an insult to all the real men out there).
Not only has he been cheating on her many times over the years, but since she continued to "forgive" him he now brings his latest mistress to all their family gatherings!! He purposely humiliates her in front of family and friends. He vacations w/ her and not his family, he buys gifts for her and not feed his own kids. He made her feel so stupid, useless and hopeless that she's paralyzed by fear and can no longer make any decision! When he's in the mood he will come home to give her a few bucks for gas and food. The bank has seized her car (he stopped paying), they are foreclosing on their home too(he also stopped paying for that as well), the bank accounts do not have her name on them so she can't access their money. But ALL the debts are in her name. So with no money, no car and close to no home and hundred of thousand dollars in debt her only way out is death. She said so herself. And trust me she's at that point. For years we TRIED to help but ultimately the decision was hers to stay... and I'm so afraid it's too late for her and the kids. Her kids are the same age as ours and it just breaks my heart to see them grow up in such turmoil.
So I'm begging you to get some perspective and think of YOU and the children. Just let LET HIM GO!!
You can file for bankruptcy, there are programs that can help you get back on your feet. The longer you stay in the abuse the harder it is to get out!
If all I wrote still doesn't convince you then ask yourself this. If you daughter comes home and tells you what you just shared w/ us about her husband. What would you tell her?
-------------------- Posts: 1391 | From Lyme Land | Registered: May 2011
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scorpiogirl
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posted
I'm so sorry if I sound so pushy Geneal. This topic hits close to home for me. I'm so worried about my friend (she often said I'm going to kill myself and take the kids w/ me) and I'm scared one of these days he will push her too far and she'll really do it!
I feel helpless, and I wish there was more I could do! Very very upsetting!!
-------------------- Posts: 1391 | From Lyme Land | Registered: May 2011
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quote:Originally posted by randibear: [QB] find out who the roses went to and then call her and up and say "oh he's going to pay child support alright"...and then tell her he's got lyme, it's permanent and contagious!!
this po's me big time. get that lawyer, change the locks and throw his stuff out. it's called "DESERTION" and that's what he's done. save that email -- it's ammunition.
clean out the accounts if you're name is on them. sell what you can.
- Sounds good to me.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
hmm, just reminded me. you can always do what my friend did.
she found out her fiancee was cheating (they weren't even married yet). she found out who the girl was.
called her up and said she was with the health department and his test results had come in. of course, the girl said who is this, what test results?
she said oh we're from the communicable disease section and he's tested positive. we need everyone he's had sexual contact with to come in and get tested.
broke that puppie up right there....then she dumped him..
served him right...
as i say, don't get mad, get even.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I just can't breathe.
Hyper state of anxiety and all.
I called and made an appointment with an attorney tomorrow.
I need to be able to protect my children and my house.
My children were told that Daddy isn't happy.
Their first question. "Are you getting a divorce?"
I am a child of divorced parents. I promised myself that I would never let my children be hurt like I was.
Now it seems as if I have no choice.
I called the florist. They called my husband.
He e-mailed me that if I had a question to ask it.
I asked if the flowers were for work.
No. That was the answer.
Then I asked who were they for. No response.
I then asked him if he could answer the question so that I could take appropriate measures.
His answer. He said that he didn't think I needed to do anything.
He was just taking himself out of the equation.
He bought a 30,000.00 tractor, a 14,000.00 off road vehicle.
He has maxed out our line of credit (in mine and his name).
I never spent one penny of the money.
I can afford the house note, car note and electricity, food.
I cannot afford to pay all of that and the line of credit and support my children.
I can freeze everything if I file for divorce.
That much I know. I am scared about if he is coming here Friday.
I can forsee a huge confrontation.
He can be very intimidating.
To top it off, still waiting on pap smear results.
I was thinking about STD prior to this revelation.
My gut tells me that this is it. It is over.
He has made me feel so worthless, useless and expendable.
He never took care of me while I was sick.
I still did everything.
I work full time and take care of everything around the house.
I hope that anger kicks in, but right now.....
Right now I can't breathe. I can't stop crying.
I could just go to bed and pull the covers over my head and call it a day (or two).
My stomach is in knots and I feel that I will throw up anything Iput in my mouth.
If I didn't have my children and animals, I could just get in my car and drive without stopping.
I am not suicidal, but feel that my life hasn't been an easy one.
Maybe one day (God willing soon), my turn to smell the roses will come.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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scorpiogirl
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posted
Well that's fine and all if you have the energy to play the game... but with that kind of guy he isn't going to stop with one chick. How many can you keep calling? It's a lost cause!
Then you get caught up in that emotional roller coaster game. My friend wanted my husband to help her break into her husband's computer (mine is a computer engineer)... she wanted to check his emails, texts, she even followed him around... but to what end??
Focus on healing and moving on is much healthier. The best revenge is making a better life for yourself and your children without him!! May God bless you and your children in your time of need. May his Grace and Peace and Strength be with you.
-------------------- Posts: 1391 | From Lyme Land | Registered: May 2011
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BoxerMom
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posted
Please see my post Books for Women in Recovery. Most libraries have these titles. Or get them rushed to you from Amazon!!
They will calm the panic. Truly. You are not alone. Many women have walked this path.
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
scorpio, that's fine. but you have to get over the here and now. if you have to use hate or whatever, do so. but you can't move forward until you let go and you can't heal until it's over.
all i'm saying is make him pay now. don't lay down and take it. she not irrational enough to start the checking him out and everything, following him.
yes she will get a better life but only after this is over and she's put it behind her.
believe me, I KNOW....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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scorpiogirl
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posted
That's is where I don't agree! Your FOCUS DETERMINES YOUR REALITY (borrowing my very wise husband's favorite saying). If you chose to focus on the anger and getting even you will be pulled back into the mess that you're trying to get out of! I have seen this first hand and it's not healthy! It would **** him off he'll retaliate, then you try one up on him and he you, but for what?? When the love and respect is gone there is nothing there.
I understand many times people hold on to hate b/c there is a fine line between love and hate, but in the long run you will just hurt yourself and your children more.
-------------------- Posts: 1391 | From Lyme Land | Registered: May 2011
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posted
Geneal, I do not know much about your situation, besides what you have posted here. I do not know how long you have been married, the ages of your children, etc., but I hope you don't mind if I write down a few thoughts.
First, your heart is breaking right now, and you are frightened for the future of you and your children. However, you MUST put yourself and them first starting right NOW.
A couple of things you said made me want to respond.
First, his coming there on Friday and anticipating a "big confrontation." That frightens me, too. Is there anyone who can be there with you when he arrives to provide some "moral support" and look out for your safety?
Can you send the children somewhere? To a friend's or relative's? If you anticipate a "big confrontation," you do not want them to witness that, nor do you want to be all alone.
The email he sent, versus sitting down with you and showing you the RESPECT you deserve to hear this, face to face, after the time you have been together, is not forgivable, in my eyes. Cowardly. Yes.
He makes it sound simple. "Taking himself out of the equation?" More complicated than just removing himself. You DO have rights, and I am very glad you are going to see a lawyer BEFORE his anticipated visit. He/She can advise you as to what to do. Be sure to DOCUMENT everything you can, past, present, and future.
Two, I have been lonelier INSIDE some relationships than I have been outside those relationships. You have to learn to love yourself and know that you will get through this! Right now you do not think it will, but if you foster that love of yourself and your children, you will see how strong YOU really are, even when going it alone.
Three, when I was trying to "hang in there" with my marriage many years ago, and I told a friend that I did not want my children to come from "a broken home." My friend gently asked, "Would you rather have your children COME FROM a broken home or LIVE IN one?" I know my children felt the relief of stress when we went our separate ways. Even when silent, the stress and tension was still always there.
Finally, you think, right now, that the financial aspect is impossible, but things have a strange way of working themselves out. Please don't worry about the extra debts, the future financial worries right now. Again, your attorney can help you, and you can prevail if you play your cards right.
YOU did nothing wrong. You tried to make a marriage, a house, a home. He messed that up, and this is on him.
I wish you the very best. Concentrate on you and those precious ones who will always be at your side.
PM anytime you need to vent.
-------------------- Best Wishes,
Hope
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
~~The Shawshank Redemption~~ Posts: 234 | From Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2010
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
well my situation was different. i was alone in ohio, he was in germany. he served me papers at my parent's house. i never saw him again until the court date and he showed up WITH HER.
my father kicked me out knowing i had no job, no furniture, nothing. not even a car. i was alone and on my own.
i had to cowboy up or i would have folded. so yes, my hatred of him got me through. i never would have made it.
there was no retaliation because there was no him.. he wasn't there. no game playing, nothing, i was dumped period.
all situations are different. i did not lay down and take it tho. i had to fight for everything i got.
she's got children and home. this is much different than my situation.
a good lawyer and family support will help her also. but learning how to get strong and protect yourself does not hurt.
sorry but we'll have to agree to disagree.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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scorpiogirl
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posted
Randibear, that's horrible! I'm sorry you had to go through that too!! What the heck is wrong w/ all these guys? I'm so glad to hear you're in a better relationship!! The fact that you used your anger to get back up on your feet is testimonial to your strong will and survivor instinct!
-------------------- Posts: 1391 | From Lyme Land | Registered: May 2011
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posted
I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 10 years. I also have two children. I never had to deal with him cheating on me... although there were times I wish he would have (bad I know, part of that was to leave me alone, and part was to have a definitive reason to leave)
I was the one that finally called it quits.... but, it wasn't until he took off and moved to another state that I actually spoke up, and speaked my mind fully.
The very first time I yelled at him was on the phone.... when he was over a thousand miles away.
It took many months for me to gain my independance and strength. I had to learn who I was. I was no longer HIS wife. I was Laura. And I didn't know who Laura was...
Which was scary and exciting all at the same time.
No matter how it happens, it is hard on the kids. But, the reason that i finally chose to end my marriage was that I saw that it was hurting my children. I had stuck it out so long because of the children... I didnt want to hurt them. I wanted the best for them.
When I realized that the best for them was to be away from my husband, it was only a matter of when was the easiest time to make the transition... to separate, and file for divorce.
I feel for you. Sending hugs and strength.
Laura
-------------------- 10/10 EIA 1.4+, 41 (IGG), 23 (IGM) Bitten over 20 years ago. Currently not treating, looking for a Dr who will work with my insurance lol.
More muscular, cognitive, nerve issues than joints. Facial droop and blurred vision. Posts: 323 | From Michigan | Registered: Apr 2011
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feelfit
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Member # 12770
posted
Geneal,
You have soothed me many times with your kindness and caring. I wish that I could somehow do the same for you.
unfortunately, all that I can offer is my support. Your husband doesn't see the wonderful woman that you are. I am sure that whoever this new person is, she'll end up in the same boat eventually. Personalities typically don't change unless the person recognizes their problem.
I've read through the years of the way he has treated you, and honestly? you'll be better off in the end. HopesAlive makes some very good points...especially about the children growing up in such a stressful, tension filled environment.
Sometimes one parent can love their children and make a better home for them than two at odds. You've a huge heart and your kids are going to be fine.
Remember when you were struggling, working 2 jobs and he was loafing? Take the money out of the accounts. Start a new one. Document it all...
but for now, just breathe.
gentle hugs.
Posts: 3975 | From usa | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Geneal- My heart physically hurts for you right now.
Next week marks the 4 year anniversary of the day my husband came to me and fell on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing because he had been having an affair with my best friend.
I was 11 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and she and her husband live right across the road from us.
I only write that to let you know that I know the pressure in your chest that is suffocating you right now.
I know the pain, the feelings of worthlessness, and questions of what did I do wrong.
The unbearable overwhelming abyss that is the unknown future.
Yes, your husband is a lying, cheating, SOB... but he's also the man that you love, the man that you married, the father of your children, and the man who was supposed to protect you and support you through your life.
He let you down and he stole the future that you had planned together. IT"S NOT FAIR! It's horribly unfair.
You built that future together over many years. You can't re-plan a new future overnight. You have to take each day as it comes.
I would encourage you to journal. Everyday. Scream, cry, beat a pillow with a bat if it helps release some anger.
Get the thoughts out of your head and onto paper, it helps release a bit of the swirling in your head.
I consider myself a God-fearing woman and I used every 4 letter word over and over again as I journaled.
You are BEAUTIFUL Geneal! You are amazing! You are strong! You are an incredible woman! You are a loving mother! You are made for so much more than this!
I am genuinely praying for you with all my heart!
I don't know if songs are any encouragement to you but if so, you might check out this song on youtube.
-------------------- No tick bite/rash sick Nov '09 diagnosed Mar '11 Doxy/Zithro LOTS of supplements
Psalm 62:5b He is my rock and my salvation. He is my defender, I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! Posts: 127 | From Illinois | Registered: Sep 2010
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Can't read what the others wrote right now Geneal.
But, thinking this is a good thing....after it is behind you that is.
Walking through this step by step is...well...holding your hand as are others here.
I was thinking of you the other day when I read an article about narcistic (sp?) men.
Nope, I take that back. it was on TV. I was channel surfing so just caught the part about how it is difficult for woman to leave these kind of men.
I did not stick around to listen why...too difficult.
You will be OK. The kids will be Ok. Keep breathing. That is your only job right now.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I am so grateful for all of your words.
I am almost in a catatonic state.
My eyes are almost swollen shut.
Headache beyond belief.
It hasn't been healthy for me in this relationship for a long time.
Here I was thinking that it will be scarry to be by myself and yet, I've been by myself all along.
He has led a parallel life. Everything has been my fault.
No matter what.
My children are worried about Daddy, yet they don't want to call him.
I am sure he would blame this on me too.
Thank you all for being the shining light in my darkness.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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map1131
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posted
I don't know what to say other than....you are one of the kindest most gentle people I've never met face to face. You and the children will be fine.
Your hearts are going to be broken and it is going to hurt for sometime but......
on the otherside of this you and your children are going to be fine. A house is just a house. A home is where ever you and the children are living and loving each other.
As for his bills...........the judge is going to declare those his bills. He will tell him to work two full time jobs to pay for them. He will take care of his children first and put a roof over their head.
His second job will pay for his toys and all his things he has bought or they will go into repo. He will do as a judge declares and live the rest of his life in the poor house with all his money going to the ex-wife and his children.
The other woman might have got roses, but in the future she will have a broke poor man. I hope she is rich or he won't have her after he can't afford roses for her anymore.
Cleaners here I come. The old saying of being taken to the cleaners. You soon to be ex is going to find out what that feels like.
i hope he is a man and lets his children know how much he loves them and wants to make sure they have a nice home to finish growing up in.
You my dear are going to be carried for a while. Footprints in the Sand.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6478 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
also, i would hope any decent judge would help get you out of the responsibility for the bills your husband has run up... especially when he's abandoning you on top of it!
try not to worry too much about the debt at the moment... hopefully a good lawyer can fix that issue for you.
again, im really sorry that you even have to think about these things Posts: 442 | From usa | Registered: Oct 2010
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just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
have I ever told you how dark my life USED to be???
Or how dark I thought it was???
Wife of 17 years was a teacher, physically broke down. Surprising she kept it up as long as she did.
Found out later how big of an alcoholic she really was. And let her 16 year old boyfriend move into an apartment for free in return for sex and drugs.
When things hit the fan she was so out of it ,,,high and drunk she vandalized her own property. Tagged and graffiti it all over. Some story surfaced there was a knife thrown at her and a 12 butcher knife stuck in the wall a few inches from her head.
When she was drunk she was real drunk. Guess she was shooting shots with beer chaser to get a bigger faster buzz. She would come home in middle of night and follow me around the house PICKING a fight and not satisfied till she got one. She always got what she wanted.
MORE interesting was my oldest daughters story years later.she says she laid in bed and prayed constantly that we 'would' get a divorce. Her question was why did it take you so long dad???
I thought that was a most telling thing. I was trying to stay and make things work for the kids sake,,,and look what the kids were thinking!!!!
my youngest was 4 at the time. I came home one night about 8 or 9 and ask if there was anything to eat like a sandwich or soup or anything,,,not particular, just worked all day and was hungry. Wife ploped all the kids (just 5) on a chair and had them vote who was moving out that nite,,dad or mom. Well she was playing with a loaded deck.
Somewhere in this was her breakdown and resulting drug and alcohol treatment. After that she was just as bad. Summer passed and she partied with kids friends supplying the booze and having fun . After a car accident that could have been bad, caused by drunk kids, things slowed down some except for keeping her boyfriend handy.
Night before school started that fall she knocks on my door and says she cant go to school tommorrow,,,have to go to treatment again instead.
Said go home and take care of the kids. I thought there is no way to be mister mom to 5 from 4 to 18. once I got my head screwed on straight I wouldnt have it any other way.
She celebrated being done with treatment 110 miles away by seeing how DRUNK she could get on the way home. Answer-VEERRRYYYY drunk.
She was threatening to shoot me dead if she only had a gun,,,she really meant that. She came real close a few years sooner,,,the bullet meant for me is still in that ceiling,,,quick thinking and popping end of barrel with my hand saved my life.
Anyway she moved 110 miles away and wasnt far enough. long story,,,very nasty divorce,,got screwed big time by the legal system,,,paid thru the nose,,,she got what she wanted,,,I survived altho couldnt see how at the time. Got zero support. paid alimony to boot. She got the gold mine,,,I got the shaft..
Kids all grown and then some,,they are still cautious around there mom,,some more than others,,,but they know,,,she still battles addictions to this day,,,she learned a new one,,,gambling.
Did I forget to say she packs a mean punch,,when someone is sleeping to avoid arguing. I think that would be called a sucker punch.
Geneal, some day you will look back and say,,,,"good riddance",,,and do it for your kids,,so you and they are in a better place.
someday your kids may ask,,,why did you WAIT so long???????? They KNOW!!!
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
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posted
Wow, Don, wasn't aware of what you went through earlier.
Geneal - I just read through your two posts - so sorry for what you're going through -
Seems to me your husband has been running from his responsibilities and is afraid to face up to anything.
Also, someone who doesn't allow differences of opinion - another word for that is abusive - of you or anyone's experience.
I think you are going to be better off without him, even though it's hard on you right now.
Ultimately, it's up to us to find our strength inside. You say he has made you feel worthless, useless and expendable.
How about switching to the opposites of those negative words. Worthless >>>> worthwhile, which you are, and everyone here knows that about you.
Useless and expendable >>>> useful and needed, especially to your kids.
I suggest taking every negative judgment you're thinking, and consider the positive term that is its opposite.
Then say those affirmations to yourself. It's up to us to define ourself, not others.
I hope the attorney can get you started in redirecting your life in the strongest manner possible for you and your kids.
Maybe in time you will have a chance to meet another partner who will be better for you and your children.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Thank you all so very much.
Dad Don.....I didn't know. I am so sorry.
I didn't sleep more than 2 hours last night.
Severe panic/anxiety attacks even with the sleeping med on board.
My sisters called last night and said they were sorry for what I was going through, but
They were also glad as they have always thought he was mentally unstable.
They are right. There is something very wrong with him.
Even knowing that doesn't take away the devestation and fear.
I am praying for God's Divine protection for my children and myself.
I just don't know where to start...I am 45 years old.
How can I do this? I have to for my children.
Scared about him coming home on Friday.
Maybe he will just check into a hotel.
I am off to see the lawyer today.
It is going to be a bad thing as he has a 7000 square foot shop full of tools, car parts, etc.
There is just so much stuff he has.
I am overwhelmed.
I draw strength from all of your words.
Believe it or not, without you all and your support, I would be in a worse place.
Thank you from the bottom of my battered self.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
When I read your post the first thing that came to mind was to ask him to get a hotel or tell him.
Glad you are going to an attorney to see where you stand. Hoping that will help you.
I read the term empowered woman the other day. They were talking about Maria Shriver.
But, I also see you as becoming an empowered woman...
Taking back your power
I also was told a long time ago that anxiety preceeds change. So true.
Love and hugs going your way.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
Dearest Geneal,
I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
You deserve to be treated with respect and love.
My first husband was a major cheater. Divorcing him was the best thing I did. I had no idea that life could be so much better....no more intimidation...no more cheating....no more humiliation...no more put-downs...
Get good advice from your lawyer and do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your children. The only thing my ex got in the divorce was the tent.
If you feel threatened, get a protection from abuse order.
I am praying for you, Geneal. You will make it through this. I did.
Just like people very sick with lyme feel like they will never get better...it can feel that way with betrayal and divorce too....but it DOES get better.
Praying, praying, praying for you and your children!!
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
when your kids are oldeer, they will understand. maybe not now.
no way in hell you should let that cowardly jerk come home. no way geneal.
tell him he is not welcome back, thats his fault.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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posted
This kind of emotional upset can make you physically sick. And it will be a very painful experience, but it will ease off. In the meantime get some support from friends or relatives, and I don't think you should have to face him alone. Or even let him in the house if you don't want to. Have your attorney help you lay out ground rules on how this will be handled, so you are not having to deal with confrontations.
Posts: 8430 | From Not available | Registered: Oct 2000
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just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
attorneys are not the answer either. They only look out for one thing. Themselves.
Possession is 9/10s of the law it seems. Change the lock or the key on ALL house keys.
Dont let him in, period.
Email him and tell him any questions he should have his attorney contact yours. THAT never happens because they never answer the phone.
re key the shed, shop,garage, all the toys, tools everything. He gets what judge orders. ONLY then!!!
You HAVE to take upper hand with a stiff upper lip.
Ask for his forwarding address for all the bills and send them. Only pay what you need to keep utilities on and house current,,,but collect as much of that from him as you can.
Does he have a good paying job? Sounds like he is on the road all week
If he is driving an expensive vehicle ask him what he plans to buy to drive since YOU need that vehicle for the kids needs.
Let him drive a beater,,he is going to anyway sooner than he thinks.
Does your state have prescribed child support laws? Get an exemption and get the max by minimizing your income and maxing his out. Figure gross not net.
And 45 isnt old,,,,I am!!!!
You get the house for the kids needs. He gets to pay for it one way or another.
When he finnaly figures out what this is all going to cost him he will come crawling back,,,dont let him,,,he burned that bridge.
If he is mentaly unstable get a protection order asap.
In that email to him,,if he steps foot on your home property you will call 911,,,and do it!!!
Its called hardball,,, its all out or lose,,,dont lose,,,play for keeps.
Last dumb question,,,you need my phone number?
Your going to do fine,,,I know it hurts,,,I know its not fair,,,this stage will pass,,,I promise!!!
Worthless, useless??? That is whats called manipulation. Dont be a victim because you are NOT!!!
Oh and ONLY supervised visitation for kids and keep that as little as possible till court ordered to do otherwise.(reason withheld for now)
Put your tiger teeth in and tiger claws also and USE them...
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
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Tricky Tickey
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26546
posted
I'm with Randibear: Hit him in the pocket book. Not in revenge, however, but with what is rightfully YOURS!!!! You are entitled to 20% of his income for support. Take it. Now is not the time to be "nice". You are alive, you will survive. Lean on family, friends, clergy....anyone who is willing to stand with you, allow it and receive it.
Darnit, I wish I could be there with you. My heart aches for you.
-------------------- Early Disseminated LD- 2010. Currently doing acupuncture and yoga. Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands) ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system. PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm, Chiropractic. Posts: 1013 | From In a van down by the river. | Registered: Jun 2010
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
It gets more bizarre.
He emailed me this morning asking what I was doing.
What!!!!!
Trying to choke down food, keep the kids busy and survive.
I texted back that we were going fishing.
Then he wants to know how we did.
Huh?
Then a text about him coming in on Friday night from out of town and will I give him a chance to talk with me.
I didn't respond immediately. Not sure I want to .
I finally texted him back that I don't know. It depends on what he wants to talk about.
I don't get it.....
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
gen, honey, he's playing you. change the damn locks before he gets home.
DON'T DO THIS!!! don't let him come back. oh god,honey, don't let him come back.
you DO KNOW...don't show weakness. unless you want a husband who's going to do this all the time.
do you? do you want him treating you like this and then saying "oh honey what are you doing" after he's been out screwing around all the time, acting like nothing is wrong.
get papers and serve him.
when my husband dumped me, would you believe i was so scared when i got my first apartment that i slept on the floor across the door? i was afraid that somebody was going to break in. i was that terrified.
and i got a job, bought a car, furniture and made it. ON MY OWN. i had no skills other than clerical but it was a start. i paid my own bills, bought my own food, cooked for myself. didn't have to take care of anybody.
you can do this. you can....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I go off to the attorney's office in a few minutes.
I wrote down some questions regarding debt, health insurance and child support.
I will give you an update when I get back.
Again, thanks so much. I don't think I would be treading water right now without all of you.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
he is feeling you out to see "where your at" and what you are thinking. he wants to know what he is going to get away with. PEOPLE DO WHAT YOU LET THEM !
Dont respond unless you have to. You have no obligation to update him.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
just another thought. you have an army behind you -- US....
we're here for you, always.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Thanks all.
One good thing today is my pap was negative.
Thank you Lord.
The attorney and I discussed finances, child support, spousal support and more.
Basically you have to file for divorce to get all the "safe guards".
Just hanging in there.
Thanks to all for protecting my back.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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lymeinhell
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4622
posted
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Don's right - possession is 9/10ths of the law. Change the locks. Don't let him back in.
The texts are his guilt hitting home right now. He's trying to make HIMSELF feel better by reaching out to you. He may or may not realize he's messing with your head because, once again, it's all about him. Please Do not play that game.
Please be strong for yourself and your children and know that we are all here for you.
-------------------- Julie _ _ ___ _ _ lymeinhell
Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed. Posts: 2258 | From a better place than I was 11 yrs ago | Registered: Sep 2003
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You need to protect yourself now. The longer you wait the more he gets, and the more opportunity you give him to take the valuable things.
If nothing else, by changing the locks it gives you time to think. Gives you time to figure what you want to do, and makes it so that he doesnt get the upper hand. YOU finally get to take control.
And just because the phone rings does not mean that you have to answer it. Just because he texts you does not mean that you have to answer.
-------------------- 10/10 EIA 1.4+, 41 (IGG), 23 (IGM) Bitten over 20 years ago. Currently not treating, looking for a Dr who will work with my insurance lol.
More muscular, cognitive, nerve issues than joints. Facial droop and blurred vision. Posts: 323 | From Michigan | Registered: Apr 2011
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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karenl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 17753
posted
You have my support. Please do not get in a role where you are the loser.
I learned one thing: to be the losing partner is horrible. Change it immediately. Leave as a winner, with this husband you are better off when he is far away. Life is great, you just forgot it.
Imagine you as the winner, having a better future now. And act like it. Start immediately and take one day at a time. There is enough time later to think about the problems.
Get the facts done and care for your finacial needs.
I know this is hard but the only way to survive the situation. As Laura said: do not pick up the phone, never. You always could call him later when you want to call, not when he calls.
Honestly your life can only get better.
Posts: 1834 | From US | Registered: Oct 2008
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Tricky Tickey
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26546
posted
What Randibear and merrygirl say is true: He's testing the water before he jumps back in. I'll bet he comes back with a plea for negotiation. He'll have excuses, then try to sugar coat his actions. He'll slyly coax his way back in, if you let him, so he can have the cake with the icing on the side.
He'll make it sound like "what is all the fuss about?" "oh, never mind...." and probably act like all is back to normal. It's not.
Hang strong, kindrid spirit, and hold your ground. With cement and super glue! You can always use the super glue on him if the cement doesn't.
-------------------- Early Disseminated LD- 2010. Currently doing acupuncture and yoga. Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands) ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system. PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm, Chiropractic. Posts: 1013 | From In a van down by the river. | Registered: Jun 2010
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Catgirl
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 31149
posted
I with Just Don. You really need to take emotion out of the equation and play hard ball.
Imagine that all this happened to your best friend. What would you be telling her to do right now? Hardball. It makes perfect sense.
-------------------- --Keep an open mind about everything. Also, remember to visit ACTIVISM (we can change things together). Posts: 5418 | From earth | Registered: Mar 2011
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Catgirl
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 31149
posted
Forgot to mention, I'd clean out the bank accounts, pronto!
-------------------- --Keep an open mind about everything. Also, remember to visit ACTIVISM (we can change things together). Posts: 5418 | From earth | Registered: Mar 2011
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That may be a good idea, and also if you want some numbers of folks here to talk to -
this is a pretty dicey time and you may need some talking with -
am encouraging you to get some numbers of people here who've been around the block, so to speak, if you feel you need them, for advice on how to handle this transition time -
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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posted
I am going to give you my opinion. I have been married for 23 years to my wife. We have had our hard times and good times. I am fighting this disease and so is my wife, I am stronger(health wise) than her, she is not well at all alot worse than me.In our marriage I worked she cooked, but since this I have learned to cook I clean I do dishes,feed the animals do laundry. I am not saying I do it all the time we do it together. My point is that I married for better or worse for sickness and health. I have and will fight for my marriage. For anyone to abandon their spouse who is ill is a selfish sob, and I am thinking alot more. This a hole sure must care alot for his children also, He is going to leave them with a sick mother who has a hard enought time taking care of her self much less her children. Love or no love he needs to be there for his family. He deserves nothing sell everything as fast as you can get a restraining order asap so he doesnt rob you. My neighbor is going throught that right now. The first thing A guy is told by buddies is grab what you can. Dont let him have anything. I dont even know why I referred to him as a man, he is a selfish spoiled child. He is not a man in my book. P.s I am a man
-------------------- Help I am being forced against my will to learn medicine!!! Posts: 164 | From WASHINGTON | Registered: Jun 2011
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posted
Flippin, your commitment is admirable, including your comments about having to adjust and do it differently according to the changed situation.
I also feel sorry for your kids, Geneal - my gosh, they're his kids too - doesn't he have any feelings for his children??
[ 06-17-2011, 06:39 AM: Message edited by: Robin123 ]
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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sometimesdilly
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9982
posted
Dear Geneal-
God has opened a door for you. Its time to gather up all your courage to use it.
Forget the roses-- IMO, that your husband is buying flowers for another woman is the least of his sins.
It sounds like you know and at some level, have known for a long while that your husband does not love you in any way that matters. If he loved you, he would not make you feel worthless. If he loved you, he would have taken care of you when you were sick. If he loved you he would have not have burdened your marriage with irresponsible debt.
He does not love you. That has to be the core of what breaks your heart, no matter what is going on or what anyone else says or what you know for yourself.
It HURTS, losing a husband and a marriage and your sense of where you stand in the world and all that shared time & experience and expectation of sharing a future. You're allowed to grieve as well as to feel angry.
The gift God is giving you, though, is the opportunity to remember that you are worthy and deserving of great love, and that nothing less than that is good enough.
I'm praying for you that you do not allow your husband to take a single thing more from you, including your time. Change the locks. Move any available cash out of joint accounts and into one in your name only.
If he wants to speak with you, tell him to get in touch with your lawyer. Removing yourself absolutely and completely from his reach isn't an act of hostility- it's self-protection.
You are one of the most generous and loving people I have ever "met," Geneal. Time now to give to yourself what you are always so willing and able to give and do for others.
Many hugs- Dilly
Posts: 2507 | From lost in the maze | Registered: Aug 2006
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
So very sorry Geneal. It will work out for you. I just have one suggestion and that is during all of this, no matter how mad you are at your husband, speak only goodness about him to your children.
Will pray for you and your family.
Sue
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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You are one of the most generous and loving people I have ever "met," Geneal. Time now to give to yourself what you are always so willing and able to give and do for others.
- Amen
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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17hens
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23747
posted
Geneal,
Maybe you are my cousin and your husband is her husband? Your stories are so similar.
He emotionally abused, he couldn't keep a job, he cheated, he left, he maxed out the credit cards putting them in terrible debt, he came back, he cheated, he can't keep a job, he emotionally abuses...
She is a wonderful, caring, smart woman, she worked hard and steady, she took care of 5 kids, she couldn't stand it when he left, she hated him when he cheated, but ultimately she couldn't bear the thought of being "alone" so she took him back.
A year later and still in a completely broken, angry, cruel relationship, they are planning a family vacation. Before he bought the vaca on ebay he forgot to ask off from work. He's not sure if he can go. You know what she said to me?
"If he goes with us, it won't be a vacation for me, it'll be hell, all the stress just in another 4 walls.
If he doesn't go along, we'll have to cancel the trip because I can't go without him, I don't trust him, what would he be doing, away from me?"
As sick as I have been, I've always been a better place than her. I have hope.
Please let us know how you're doing. I'll be praying for you.
-------------------- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
bit 4/09, diagnosed 1/10 Posts: 3043 | From PA | Registered: Dec 2009
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posted
Hoping to hear from Geneal very soon... very.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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philly78
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31069
posted
I read through this the other day and didn't respond b/c I really didn't know what to say.
I am sorry that you're going through such a rough time. I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong.
-------------------- When faced with pain you have two choices....either quit and accept the circumstances, OR make the decision to fight with all the resources you have at your disposal. Posts: 1000 | From PA | Registered: Mar 2011
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Geneal??
Guessing you are back to status quo
I know how confusing things can be when you are in the middle of it and upside down and sideways
Hoping the straw that broke the camels back will come around soon for you.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
It sometimes takes more strength to break this kind of tie, no matter how bad it is, than to stay in it. Sometimes people think that a bad marriage is better than none at all. And thinking maybe things will change for the better. Frequently they don't and it is a learning experience.
So, we gave good advice, but she may not be ready to take it.
Posts: 8430 | From Not available | Registered: Oct 2000
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payne
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26248
posted
in every relationship there is one that can love, and stands by the idea of things will get better, let go of them, set them free.. my ex' after 17 yrs hit the end of the road on my sin full ways.. i did not contest it - just let her be free, seems 17 yrs later, she now wants me to know she loved me, but, did not like me. people love to many things... try to use the word like more, i like my friends at lyme net and love their support. i love my family, and like the way they never give up. hope geneal, can find a spot to stand on and be mighty within her self. like yourself 1st, be couragous. trying to fix the impossible, its a hard road to take, trying to love someone when you don't understand them, is harder Good things happen to good people. hug wayne
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