posted
Hi everyone...I am still struggling with the abandonment of my very close friend, as I mentioned in detail in a previous posting.
I want there to be closure on this and I want to express to him how devastated and angry I am about this. I feel that he needs to know how much he has hurt me and I want to express my upset.
Do you think sending him a letter or an email is a good idea? I do not want to seem pathetic, but it is killing me to not express to him all these emotions that his abandonment has evoked within me.
Thanks. Jess
Posts: 870 | From ct | Registered: Nov 2012
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lax mom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38743
posted
Maybe it would be a good idea to speak to a therapist and work on the abandonment issues, hard core, get them worked through where you have a sense of peace.
Writing him a letter is not going to make those feelings of abandonment stop.
The thing that is figuratively killing you is the feeling of abandonment...and I bet that's the thing that is trying to literally kill you as well.
You have to feel in order to heal...I heard that in therapy a long, long time ago.
posted
I've been told by different therapists I have seen that writing a letter (regardless of sending it or not sending it) is one of the most cathartic things we can do when we feel like we need closure from someone.
Sometimes in the situation I write it all out and don't send it. Other times I feel like I need the other person to hear me, so I send it.
Just make sure if you send it, you are ok with how it goes either good or bad. This is about you saying what you need to and not about the other person's reaction.
You have to be willing to accept that the other person's response might hurt or might not be what you want to hear.
But if you can be ok no matter what, then yes! Write it all out and send it! Good luck, Jess.
Posts: 428 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2012
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lax mom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
I have written some emails, in the not so distant past, to get some feelings out to my in-laws...but I clicked "send"...not the best idea I ever had
Ellen101
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 35432
posted
Jess I can certainly understand how hurt and upset youmust feel but people will come and go throughout our lives. Some through death,divorce,broken relationships,ending friendships.
You have alot going on right now with your health issues and your new marriage. Perhaps putting your time and energy into those areas will help and finding a way to move on and let go of the past with the help of a trusted friend or therapist will ease your pain.
Writing the letter could be a great exercise in expressing your feelings but I would not mail it. We can't make people act or behave the way We think they should.
Posts: 1748 | From United States | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
You could try "the love letter technique" as taught by John Gray (men are from mars, women are from venus) in the book, "What You Feel You Can Heal".
The letter shouldn't take too long and it will help you feel better. Posts: 631 | From the south | Registered: Nov 2008
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- This took me a long time to learn:
we should always question our motive for any move we make that puts someone else in the spot light about matters such as this.
What is my motive? What is it that I REALLY want to happen from said action?
And, most importantly, as the other has closed the door, will my move be an intrusion? [Hint: the answer is nearly always yes, when the other has already said good-bye.]
It's likely not just to air your feelings. That's pretty typical but it can really get us in trouble that can haunt us for a very long time to come. We usually want something to change.
It seems that the goal of the letter is to gain him back in your life. If so, do not write such a letter. He's already said he can't do that.
Even if it's to try to have him think of you differently, I would not send it. Even if you think you know the motive, keep asking yourself, over and over as the truth often is not on the surface, even to ourselves.
I know when I've just wanted to verbalize after the fact of some shift in a relationship, inevitably, I had an agenda of wanting SOMETHING from the other person. Otherwise, I would have been just fine processing my thoughts and feelings and keeping them to myself - or with a counselor to help understand my motives, etc.
He has stated his thoughts and feelings. You both talked. I see no good that can possibly come from writing a letter that will try to change his mind about anything. It's his mind. He shared. Let it go. Move on.
You had tender times that you both seem to agree upon - in show business, it's often said that it's best to go out before you have to - go out in good graces, etc. Same with relationships. When they have run their course, a graceful transition is usually best for all concerned.
Keep good memories but remember that your life will have new experiences. Time invested in thinking about this transition can be put to good use if you learn more about yourself - or it can take away from the relationships that are being built today -
- and that distraction can affect the amount of effort going into taking care of yourself and nuturing your other relationships. -
[ 03-23-2013, 04:53 AM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
I think Keebler's right - there's something you want from someone else - the trick is to figure out what that is, and then give it to yourself so you won't be at someone else's mercy.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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posted
You are right about one thing Keebler...I would write the letter probably with the intent to try to get him back in my life. I love him so much and it's breaking my heart to have him leave.
I think the letter might end up making me seem pathetic as well, and I absolutely loathe the idea of that.
Thanks so much. Jess
Posts: 870 | From ct | Registered: Nov 2012
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Tricky Tickey
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26546
posted
Jess: Boy, do I understand! You could be a carbon copy of me. It happened to me numerous times and I always took a long time to adjust. It truly hurts to be casually blown off by someone you shared precious moments with. Continually asking yourself 'why' can add to the frustration. What I did was this: I got more involved in activities, surrounded myself with friends, put more color in my house, made myself walk daily & stayed away from alcohol.
God bless you in your healing. May I suggest a really healing book for you? It's "How To Survive The Loss Of A Love". Wonderful, healing, inspirational! I wrote about my experience in hopes of helping someone else going through the same thing. I'll add the link to the story here. It's all about getting closure on your loss. You will survive this! You are alive! http://donotfear.hubpages.com/hub/Closure
-------------------- Early Disseminated LD- 2010. Currently doing acupuncture and yoga. Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands) ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system. PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm, Chiropractic. Posts: 1013 | From In a van down by the river. | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
Who knows? He sent me a message today telling me he now wants me in his life and he was just scared to lose me (i.e. that I would die)....OYYY.
He is a person that I love a lot but I think we need to relax the intensity of our relationship for a bit. Hi Beaches, btw. ..Jess
Posts: 870 | From ct | Registered: Nov 2012
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Ellen101
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
At this point he has someone else he is involved with and you are newly married. I would thinking it to be best if you both concentrated on strengthening those relationships.
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posted
I think you are right Ellen. Thanks. Jess
Posts: 870 | From ct | Registered: Nov 2012
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38251
posted
Hi Jess, I also think it's best to strengthen on focus on your relationship with your husband. No one needs all of this emotional drama while dealing with illness. Also too, keep in mind that the majority of husbands would have a problem with their wives being thisclose to a former flame!
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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posted
Beaches-thanks. My fella knows my heart belongs entirely to him, though . I agree however that I do not need the drama that my friend is bringing into my life right now. Jess
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