posted
Well, I made it through the night. Again. I called the suicide hotline and waited on hold for over 20 minutes. Hung up. Oh well. Too tired to do anything.
I am so sick of this roller coaster. Sometimes I'm fine and other times I'm literally seconds from death. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 13. I'm 23 now. I'm wearing down.
Lyme/chronic illness is so hard on relationships. I've been out of work for a year and my husband and I are drowning in medical debt. I am horrible at keeping the house in order and making meals and shopping makes me want to kill myself instead.
I take medication to sleep (not prescribed) and my husband has also taken it occasionally. He said it makes him lazy and unmotivated, so maybe I should try to go without it if I'm having trouble living simple daily life. Ouch. I skipped it last night. Didn't sleep at all.
What is this fight? Why? Every aspect of my life is a battle. My family sucks. They're the worst people I know, which is why I live across the country from them. They pretty much disowned me for marrying my husband so he's all I have. Friends have long since left my side as I'm depressed and unable to do much and I have no money. I was emotionally and spiritually abused by my father and I am dealing with the psychological damage of that which can be crushing.
I've only been married two years and it's been wonderful but now I'm thinking maybe it's not right. Why should lyme destroy two lives instead of just one? My husband's life goals have suffered since I can no longer work. He comes home to a messy house and I'm always asleep and not feeling well. I'm so sorry for him that I wrapped my life in his - it's just so unfair to him. He deserves so much better.
Fight to wake up, fight to take pills, fight to make food and eat, fight to keep it down, fight to stay awake.... I just don't want to fight anymore.
Posts: 2 | From Atlanta, GA | Registered: Feb 2014
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
Willow, I hear you loud and clear.
please don't kill yourself.
I know what you are going through. it does suck. it is crazy. I have trouble myself with this idea, but what I come back to is that if we all start killing ourselves over this who will be left to fight for others?
I know on the bad days who cares about others, rigth? but when the stronger moments come, when a glimpse of the old you returns even if for a shining second, ...THAT is the person that can make a difference.
I get beat down constantly too, by those I love.
what I do for distraction is to read more about current lyme happenings, findings, research, etc. I was a huge researcher before I got sick and as long as I stil have some of that in me I am savig myself from self harms way.
although I can't read very fast or retain most of what I read, I still find comfort in the process as long as I get one small important thing across to someone. I started a facebook page for lyme and such.
that seems to have helped me. I don't put too much into it becasue I can't , but it does give me purpose.
and somehow I seem to always find something that lights a little candle in me on my dark times. I dont' know. maybe it's becasue I try and pray? maybe because others are praying for me? or maybe it is just meant to be.
I am sorry you feel such about your spouse. does he talk to you about all this?
I have often thought of going to some other diseases help group (since there are noone for lyme) where you can go and just get moral support for dealing in a marriage where one or both are sick. where people can learn coping strategies and such.
what I have resigned to is that this is really a lonely disease for most of us that have it. I do keep needing to re-accept that understanding in myself.
it sure is hard.
I just don't think killing ourselves is the right way to go. please try and hang in there.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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posted
maybe,but it doesn't have to be today. Sometimes that's what I think to get me through.
I have no idea what the point is of going through all of this and can't get better and it won't quickly take me out either.
But the feeling persists that I'm not supposed to leave for whatever reason. For me, more often than not, it's my dogs.
I don't want you to have to keep dealing with this either, but more than that, I don't want you to go. Know I'm here with you.
Posts: 857 | From northern california | Registered: Dec 2009
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
_ right, you are here for a reason!!
_
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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hiker53
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 6046
posted
Keep fighting, Willow. There is so much to live for even if you can't see it at this moment.
God loves you and He will be with you in the ups and in the downs.
I know that sounds cliché, but I really believe my faith has helped me through this.
It does get better.
Hiker53
-------------------- Hiker53
"God is light. In Him there is no darkness." 1John 1:5 Posts: 8887 | From Illinois | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Well, it is hard with Lyme, we'll grant you that. We all struggle, and sometimes more than other times.
I think the first thing you need to do is be able to sleep! The sleep cycle disappears early on with Lyme, so taking sleep med to sleep is important to do.
People who don't go through what we go through don't go through it! So it's important, I think, to be very gentle as you let your husband know this is what you have to do because of your health condition, that you don't have the option of not taking sleep med, because as you saw, you don't sleep then!
2nd, could you get any help for what you have to deal with - housecleaning, meals, maybe some shopping? Do you qualify for any programs in town? Any volunteering programs? If you don't know, I'd suggest contacting some agencies, organizations, local gov't, etc to find out. Check with charity orgs like Rotary, Lion's clubs etc to see what they know.
Even if you get assistance for one need, that's something. If you could get even a little assistance, that would make things easier for you.
Too bad about your family. I'd say you have an opportunity to learn how to recover from abuse - that's something you could do as an adult now and could become a goal - to learn how to answer back to those negative statements in you and replace them with more positive, supportive inner talk.
I usually make a list on one side of all the negative talk, and then on the other side, start to answer it.
Like, "you're lazy" on the left side. Then on the other side: "I'm doing the best I can, with this health condition. Actually it's the health condition and not me. I'm not really lazy."
Many people go to therapy for that. It's also possible to read some good books/workbooks from the library about overcoming internal abusive thinking. Can you read?
Yes, your husband is compromised by what you're going through, but may I say that every family is compromised when a family member is sick and millions of families are going through this and they don't all commit suicide! They live with it and they learn how to live with it.
That includes, I think, being gentle with one another, as we can't help being sick. It means making modifications.
You cannot know what the future is going to bring you. If you start to work on some of the suggestions here, I hope that things will start to shift a little. LIttle by little. Gotta be patient.
When we get through any of this, we become some of the strongest people around. It's like carbon becoming a diamond under pressure.
[ 03-09-2015, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: Robin123 ]
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
No.
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I just watched the whole thing - pretty grueling to get through, very strong people to make it through. Reminds me of Mandy and her husband in the Under Our Skin film.
I think, so as not to detract from Willow's thread here, I'd like to make a separate thread about the film.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Sure.
Posts: 294 | From southwest mi | Registered: Dec 2012
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
willow,
Please know that you are so important to all of us, and we need you here.
Your husband needs you.
More than any of that, God wants you to know that He loves you sooooo much, and he knows your struggles.
He will be right there with you, to help you through each day.
I am sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child.
Have you ever watched Joyce Meyer online or on tv?
She was sexually and emotionally abused for many years by her father. She overcame it all with God's help and has gone on to have a world wide ministry and helps so many people.
You can find her broadcasts here. Please check out her shows...she is so down to earth, so real, and tells about her life experiences, so easy to relate to...
In fact, when I went to her website to post that link, I noticed that her story called "One Life" parts 1 & 2 were right there. That is where she tells the story of her awful childhood and how she overcame it.
I don't think it is a coincidence that those 2 episodes were there today. PLEASE, PLEASE watch them!
I love to read inspirational books. They have helped me so much, giving me real hope.
One that I read very recently that I recommend is, "Rush of Heaven" by Ema McKinley. I got my copy at Walmart, but it is available many places, including Amazon.
Ema suffered for many years with so much pain and disability, so many of us can relate.
Please don't ever lose hope!!
You are loved and God has a good plan for your life!
You will get through this very difficult time, and you will be so thankful that you persevered so you can experience all the good that is in store for you!!
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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Ann-Ohio
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 44364
posted
Hi Willow, Here is a website where you might find some help. They are even on twitter. Give it a try. I am sure you will find someone who can be helpful.
posted
Thank you very much to all of your for your support and for taking the time to share your thoughts and suggestions with me.
I'm a bit better today. I called the suicide helpline and they were helpful as well.
I still feel as if there is no hope for me but if this is anything like the past 13 years then the hope will creep back in little by little.
To answer some of your questions on my background and what I'm doing now, I do go to therapy every week and I'm medicated for depression which was working for a few months but not anymore, I'm currently reading a book called toxic parents which is helping me to work through the abuse (it's a painful read though!), I just started attending support groups for mental illness. I've seen doctors in Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Illinois, and Georgia. Spent tens of thousands of dollars and I've made progress but nowhere near normal.
I was thinking over this weekend that I might just be done with it all and this is as good as it gets. Why keep pursuing the elusive "better" when it might not even be there? We'll see.
But thank you all so very much. I'm scatterbrained so I hope this makes sense Posts: 2 | From Atlanta, GA | Registered: Feb 2014
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Rumigirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15091
posted
Just think of the small child that you were who didn't get the love, comforting, and cherishing that you needed. We are all still that small child underneath to one degree or another, esp those of us who got so badly treated.
Don't let that child in you down. Instead, talk to her lovingly and gently, as you needed then and need now. You can be her "mother" now. It's hard to remember sometimes, but she needs you!
And your husband needs you. Not that you have to "do" for him, but you're sticking around and simply loving him, as I'm sure he does love you.
Much as I have the same feelings as you expressed about inadvertently ruining my husband's life with this blasted illness, he doesn't feel this way! He would be devastated if I ended my life! I'm sure it's no different with your husband.
Keep coming back here for support. Plus, any local Lyme Support Group, both in-person and online. Plus, any other support you can find.
Onward and upward on this bumpy road!
By the way, talk to whoever rx's your meds for depression to see if you don't need something more or different. This illness is a very hefty stress (putting it mildly).
Posts: 3771 | From around | Registered: Mar 2008
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
Dekrator, that joyce lady is fabulous! what an inspiration! I wanted to watch and listen to her for hours. she really made me feel better and more loved, if that makes any sense.
thanks for sharing that!
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
You're welcome, LisaK!! Yes, what you said makes sense! I can also watch her for hours!
I watch Joyce Meyer almost daily online because she has a very special gift of sharing God's love and teaching us how to receive what we need and improve our lives.
She has shows on almost any subject that can help many of us, such as healing, emotions & emotional healing, mind & mouth, confidence & insecurity, spiritual growth, purpose, joy, discernment, discipline, worry & anxiety, depression, boundaries, fear, hope, boldness, peace and more!
I hope everyone will check out her broadcasts.
On her broadcast page, there is a list of shows which you can scroll down through.
There are always 3 months worth of shows listed there we can watch at our convenience.
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
I think most of this week the only thing on my mind has been me thinking, would have the guts to kill myself. I think obsessively about this, and i am NOT suicidal (or wasn't).
I know this is the lyme talking. It WANTS me to give up.
I lost my job recently. I'm losing my health insurance. I already owe my employer over $1000 in medical benefits from my medical leave.
I just decimated my savings. My ex boyfriend kicked me out of our apartment and stole thousands of dollars from me (in utilities and unpaid rent). I owe over 10k in medical bills on my credit card with no ability to work.
My last two relationships were abusive, emotionally and financially (I was too sick to stick up for myself). I'm probably being badmouthed to mutual friends as we speak for being "crazy."
Ive been traumatized, that's for sure. From a relationship, a very scary ex-boss, and the medical establishment. I can hardly get out of bed some days if i think about it too hard.
Also, my meds just stopped working too. Sometimes I don't think i can take it anymore. But here I am. I'm thinking there is a reason. I know its because deep down, I'm hoping some better treatments come along in the next 5 years. I'll wait 10 years I guess.
The thing that gets me though, is if i did kill myself, it would be listed as depression. My cause of death would not be Lyme disease. Maybe that's why I keep going, I want to get better and I want to be a voice for those who come after me.
Ive been sick 15 years. Most people my age are married with kids. I live with my parents and live in sweatpants most days. If I was sick that long, I can't expect to be better within a year. Damage doesn't get better that fast. Thats what keeps me going.
Posts: 35 | From Boston | Registered: Jul 2014
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poppy
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5355
posted
I'm so sorry. It has really been piled on you, and the fact that you are still here shows how much character and strength you have.
When I get to this low point, sometimes it helps just to quit trying and say, well this is enough for one day. Slack off and maybe things do get better or enough better, or not worse, and you think you can go on for a while longer.
Posts: 2888 | From USA | Registered: Mar 2004
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I was emotionally and spiritually abused by my father and I am dealing with the psychological damage of that which can be crushing.
I have a friend that was emotionally abused by her mother. Her mother had narcissistic personality disorder, but she read two books by Karyl Mcbride that really helped her.
It might not be relevant because its aimed at mother-daughter relationship, but she writes a few other books as well, one is Will I Ever Be Free of You? Its about divorcing from a narcissistic/toxic person. Probably legally and figuratively breaking free from the damage they inflicted.
I mention this because I think my emotional abuse was the straw that broke the camels back for me, the one that cracked my body to be overcome by the lyme. So I have to heal body and mind, a daunting prospect.
Understanding your emotional pain might go a long way in helping to heal yourself physically.
Posts: 35 | From Boston | Registered: Jul 2014
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
Hi shehasmoxy,
I'm sorry for all that you are going through.
I am praying for you and I really encourage you to go to this link and watch some of Joyce's shows.
She has overcome so much adversity and abuse in her life.
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
Hope the original poster is doing alright. We are all suffering from physical and probably emotional pain ( who wouldn't after what the doctors say to us!).
I think things are changing though. Acceptance, new research, maybe new treatments. We all need to hang in there and know that things are changing.
Posts: 35 | From Boston | Registered: Jul 2014
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