Hoosiers51
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posted
"I'm sick of being nagged."
Well, I am sick of nagging you! Maybe if you followed the laws of common courtesy, I wouldn't have to. Hmmmmmmm.
I just think there is a lot of irony in complaining about being nagged. Just listen the first time, and it will stop.
Men out there...anyone care to explain this?
Posts: 4590 | From Midwest | Registered: Jun 2008
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2roads
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posted
Hey Hoos,
Sorry, I'm not a man.
But, in my husbands case it comes from not getting the love he needed.
He becomes so babified when more then one person needs him for more then one thing. He gets such an attitude.
The true colors came out when we had kids.
His own mother ran from the family and is quite narscistic. She turned him into an "I'll ask nothing, you do to" kinda man.
So, any request is interpreted as nagging, no matter how small.
Maybe others can shed more light-
Posts: 2214 | From West Chester, PA | Registered: Aug 2003
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joalo
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posted
I never ask my husband to do anything for me. I always write down what I want him to do and hand him the list. No nagging, no reminding, no begging. As he does each item he crosses it off the list. Sometimes it takes a week or two for the items to get done but they always get done.
I've learned that if I treat someone with respect...I get respect back.
Just my 2 cents.
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Hoosiers51, is it ironic that both of you practice avoidance?
he's conveniently avoiding the subject matter of the nag and you're conveniently avoiding to mention the subject matter of the nag -- aside from common courtesy- (in general ...)
what are the laws of common courtesy? do they involve expectation? yes- but not a persons expectations of others- only yourself- expecting another person to be courteous, isn't courteous -- it's something else: it's coercion- e.g.: "if you don't be courteous, i'm going to nag you to death-"
hummmmm?
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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posted
Writing it down is a good idea! Sometimes I leave hubby a note in his bathroom when I need something done. He finds it first thing in the morning!
Actually.. I do that because I think of things I want done after he goes to bed!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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randibear
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posted
you really want me to answer this? LOL.....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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lymie_in_md
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We're mission oriented gals, learned to use this fact to your advantage. Alright, suppose you have a number of tasks to do. Like having him get moon rocks. Find a place on the refrigerator and write it down one time so he can see it in the morning, so yes you have to have thought it through, and the sooner you think it the sooner it will get done. Joalo you are so wise!!!
I know for me, you ask me something, if my filter isn't already on. And if in the middle of something else it is pretty quickly forgotten.
Just an idea, if you put a list together add the moon rocks -- see if you get chuckle.
-------------------- Bob Posts: 2150 | From Maryland | Registered: Dec 2007
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randibear
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uh, i tried the list.
made him angry.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Hoosiers51: Men out there...anyone care to explain this?
im a man so i can give you my point of view.
if you need help with something that you cant do yourself then i think its reasonable to ask for it and for him to in turn help you.
however women think men are their personal servants there to do their bidding. when men dont women make mens life terrible, nagging, untill they do. this is unfair.
honney do lists are a joke. i dont give my girlfriend lists of things i can do myself. i want her to extend me the same courtasy.
part of the purpose for relationships is to help each other through life. that doesnt include becoming ones butler.
sorry if i can off brash, just giving the other side.
-------------------- sick since 9-09 igg, 18,23,41 reactive igm, 41 reactive Posts: 436 | From Kansas City | Registered: Jan 2010
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2roads
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Junkyard,
You must be a saint!
I imagine you don't leave your underwear sitting on the floor right next to the hamper, or your filthy food dishes around for the maid.
I would love a man with your mentality. Give respect and get it back.
Someone that washes his own laundry and perhaps cooks every other meal (and shops), as well. After all, you can do that yourself.
How does the kinetics of your partnership work?
2roads
Posts: 2214 | From West Chester, PA | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
anyone who lives with lyme has to be somewhat of a saint right?
im not sure how to explain how my relationship works as i dont live with my gf and therefor probably dont have many of the same issues you just addressed.
however i have numerous friends who are married and their "honney do" list isnt confined to merely putting laundry in the basket or doing the dishes. its more like tile the floor, fix the car, paint the room, take the kids places, take the dog to the vet, and so on.
these are the type of responsibilities that should be shared, not just put on a list for the handyman, i mean HUSBAND, to do.
if you were just speaking about dont his fair share around the house then i would have to agree with you. she washes dishes, he mowes the lawn. she vacuums floor, he takes out trash...
ps-the potential for being nagged at on a constant basis is reason #1 that i havent gotten married yet after being with my gf for over 3 years.
-------------------- sick since 9-09 igg, 18,23,41 reactive igm, 41 reactive Posts: 436 | From Kansas City | Registered: Jan 2010
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posted
sometimes women tend to think the environment they share with their partner is solely theirs- for example, they've appointed themselves with the position of dictating what belongs where in regards to dirty underwear, snot rags, socks, books, drinking glasses, the angle of the lampshade, what have you- AND will argue till dawn if need be why things in the home must be kept where she says so- basically, a guy has no rights- he's expected to be her with a penis- he has to be good for something, right?
the next time you see a vagrant pair of boxers or briefs, remind yourself you chose to grow old with their owner, and he chose you- pick them up, and put them in the hamper with that in mind- there are no guarantees he will be there for you, but if you show him some kindness, he might be-
who the heck knows ... maybe i'm just old, dick-whipped, lazy, resigned- i'm no longer inclined to adjust lampshades as often as i used to ...
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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-------------------- sick since 9-09 igg, 18,23,41 reactive igm, 41 reactive Posts: 436 | From Kansas City | Registered: Jan 2010
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Keebler
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posted
- ". . . what belongs where in regards to dirty underwear, snot rags, socks . . . drinking glasses . . . ."
" . . . vagrant pair of boxers or briefs [lying around] . . . ."
". . . [leaving] underwear sitting on the floor right next to the hamper, or your filthy food dishes around . . . ."
Whew! Sure glad to have avoided those kinds of twilight zone environments. Guess there can be things worse than having lyme. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
nag, nag, nag ...
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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Keebler
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- In what universe is it not incredibly rude to leave lying around dirty underwear, "snot rags" or even soiled clothes - ever (if one is physically able)? Or to not takes one's own dirty dishes to the sink and at least rinse?
Often people from different universes wind up living together (so to speak). It's just nice for any room mates, families or couples to check the points of courtesy for both planets and compare notes regarding what is considered courtesy and reasonable order. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
insightful, although, dual- there is only one universe- one of the many components of the universe is human perspective- in this case, the perspective that you adhere to: "in what universe is it not incredibly rude"- you've formulated a conclusion in the form of a question to bolster the perspective you adhere to because it best serves you- therefore, your offer to compare notes is moot-
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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Keebler
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- I just basically to go the dictionaries that are used for our planet and from the basic etiquette code of behavior taught in schools, etc. Rude is fairly well defined. It's not just my perspective.
I guess the bottom line is if we treat others with kindness and respect. When that starts to go, so does everything else. For those who are ill, the emotional ramifications from being disregarded or abused (in any manner) can be more devastating and then everything seems to fall out of balance.
Often, rudeness comes out of having been abused or being on the other end of rude treatment. If rudeness seems normal, it's important to know that there's a much brighter way to function and often brings many more favors our way in the end. But, how we treat each other and how others treat us tell us how they feel about us. It speaks volumes.
To most, rude behavior (and/or rude tone of voice) is a message of disregard, a message to get lost, to leave, to go far, far away.
Communication can help clear that up - or clear the smokescreen for reality to shine through and show its true colors. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
if understand you correctly, i used to believe similar to much of what you express above but no longer consider it to be a reality- the offering of respect and kindness do not guarantee the same in return-
the OP, to me, seemed to express disappointment regarding a situation where expectations weren't being met- i assume, that after kind words failed, she became frustrated and began to nag-
i do think it's a shame when people choose not to communicate- it's a sign that they've given up on life, the life that's right in front of them- and retreat to the life they imagine in their minds-
rudeness, condescension, kindness, respect- defining these is is certainly important- but once known, noticing when being one or the other seems to be of an even greater importance-
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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quote:Originally posted by Keebler: - I guess the bottom line is if we treat others with kindness and respect. When that starts to go, so does everything else. -
keebler, do you think making a laundry list made up of chores for you husband to do may accelerate this loss of respect from him?
my thinking is if that list ever appeared in my relationship it would signify the loss of her respect towards me.
-------------------- sick since 9-09 igg, 18,23,41 reactive igm, 41 reactive Posts: 436 | From Kansas City | Registered: Jan 2010
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Keebler
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- I was jolted about anyone leaving dirty underwear lying around and expecting someone else to pick it up.
I was not talking about a laundry list. If just one sided, that's no way for any couple (business or professional) to work as a team building a strong future together. Still, attending to practical matters are part of life and lists often really help. If all parties figure out how to make the best of that system, it can work. If all parties are not fairly involved, it won't. -
[ 12-31-2010, 02:39 AM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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"Diversions toss us off course. Just as with our physical health, also with our emotional health, we get stronger by addressing what really matters - and then nourishing that."
such as this: "I must eat all meals alone-"
the stories we tell ourselves are ongoing and always subject to change if change is allowed-
peace
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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posted
if a person knew this would be the last day of their life, how could they change it? knowing they are going to die on any specific day doesn't afford them with anymore opportunity to change "it" than it would afford them with the opportunity to change yesterday today- that is if they only get one last day in which to change -- not two- not to mention that they couldn't make decisions for others in the room-
a person can work towards a future, and when they do, the changes they wish to make are already gradually taking place- but sometimes, it feels like the change took place overnight- which may or may not be one of those little perks that happen from not paying close attention-
i'm not so sure anyone gets to choose their lives- but once born, people are forced to make decisions providing they have a brain, healthy or not- and while some decisions are made to cause no harm others are not- the "not" part of the decision process aims to please -- but not other people-
my own story is rather plain- i've a deep appreciation for where i once was and am today- i wouldn't have it any other way -- simply because it couldn't be any other way- and recently, i'm slowly learning to give up hope- no hope, no disappointments- and it's emancipating to feel responsible for what i notice or fail to instead of relying on hope to the job for me-
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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randibear
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remember sometimes its better to expect nothing, then you're not disappointed.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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METALLlC BLUE
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posted
Expecting nothing isn't reality though. There "is" a fundamental conditional nature to relationships socially in every culture.
Here is what one should expect in my opinion:
One "should" expect to be treated the way in which they allow others to treat them. In other words, we often create the crisis we complain of by not setting the boundaries and stating the appropriate responses that create the outcomes we're wishing (rather than choosing) to create.
Bottom-line. If you have to ask more than twice, more often than not, expect to continue to ask more than twice unless you change the way you're approaching the issue. He's certainly not going to change his "response." after he's repeated it countless times.
Most men (and I'm speaking as a man) become complacent and lazy once they "settle" into a comfy consistent relationship, especially after marriage when the deal is sealed (My opinions on marriage as a "promise" to guarantee that which can't be is a whole other discussion).
Try a different technique, like A: Doing it yourself, B: Accepting that it won't be done your way or on your timetable, or C: Continue Nagging, or D: Get creative and use the "Get what you give" method without being nasty, sarcastic or vindictive. If he conveniently ignores or doesn't hear when he's being asked to take responsibility for something reasonable that you need or want done, then feel free to motivate him by "failing" to meet one of his needs or wants when he "expects" it. If he asks why XYZ is suddenly not being done, and failing to meet his expectations, then explain it with kindness. "I.E I stopped preparing meals because the leftovers and trash were leading to the trash bin filling up. Since I don't want trash left around, I figure the less I contribute to it, the more likely it is to stay empty and thus I don't need to ask you to take it out, which you really don't want to do, right? Seemed appropriate."
In reality, you're taking control of the part you have control over, and if he wants those meals cooked, he has to be willing to take the trash out as a byproduct. Same with dishes. You don't have to nag him to clean dishes if you don't cook meals, that's another win/win, right?
Not for him. He'll get the point.
I hate being nagged, and like most Men I can be complacent. Successfully motivated with the risk of losing something I cherish however, gets me on my feet pretty quickly.
Don't tell any other men that I told you this secret. Shuuuuuuuush, mkay?
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
quote:In reality, you're taking control of the part you have control over, and if he wants those meals cooked, he has to be willing to take the trash out as a byproduct. Same with dishes. You don't have to nag him to clean dishes if you don't cook meals, that's another win/win, right?
Get out of my brain!! That is exactly my approach. I don't nag. It's not my style.
Actually, sometimes it creates a downward spiral, but some women continue it depending upon how stubborn they are.
Posts: 797 | From New York | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
that approach, in a way, does present itself as an ultimatum- some might get the point right away and laugh as they take out the trash while others might have a melt down, creating more trash- personalities vary-
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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METALLlC BLUE
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Choosing to change your response to someone elses behavior is realistic and within all of our power. It's not always easy, in-fact most of the time it's hard if you've not responded that way for a long time. What other method is there if you've asked them nicely, nagged them, yelled at them, left them notes or otherwise tried to make them change how they do things and they still haven't done so?
You have to change. If they have a melt down and you've been blameless and kind about handling the issue maturely, then you now have another choice about how you want to respond to their meltdown. Let's face it, if someone is having a meltdown over washing plates or taking out trash, then.... perhaps they aren't capable of handling a partnership.
If you don't assert yourself where you have power, you'll be a doormat that's taken for granted and ignored while you nag yourself to sleep.
I'm just a guy pointing out my experience though. If someone has a better way, I'm listening.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
posted
prior to one person deciding to make that change, both parties are responsible for the previous condition of the relationship- therefore, no one is to blame, nor above their partner-
change, of any kind, is often met with resistance- people just like to have things "their way"- an otherwise mature individual will act childish when faced with change-
maybe the key to keeping it together is not to judge someone's reaction to change too harshly, or make them feel less of a partner, deepening the rift- tables have a way of turning pretty quickly-
[ 12-21-2010, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: novy ]
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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glm1111
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I thought I would just chime in here. "The pants on the ground" story reminded me of when I was 21, newly married and with a new baby.
My husband who had been brought up with maids thought it was alright to just drop his jeans and underwear on the floor by the bed.
I had plenty to do with a new baby. I repeatedly asked him nicely to put his pants in the hamper and he just ignored me. Back then we had cloth diapers and diaper pails.
Well, to make a long story short I decided to teach him a lesson and threw his jeans in the dirty diaper pail. When he got home from work and couldn't find his jeans, he asked me where they were.
I just turned toward my sons roon where the diaper pail was and pointed. He just screamed "Oh G-D No!! I just stood there with a grin thinking he would get the point.
He not only didn't get the point, he proceeded to grab a handful of clothes out of my closet, threw them in the tub and turned the shower on.
I don't have a moral to this story, other than to say, he did pick up his clothes from then on. I guess sometimes actions speak louder than words.
Gael
-------------------- PARASITES/WORMS ARE NOW RECOGNIZED AS THE NUMBER 1 CO-INFECTION IN LYME DISEASE BY ILADS* Posts: 6418 | From philadelphia pa | Registered: Jul 2008
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Arthur Schopenhauer
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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METALLlC BLUE
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quote:Originally posted by glm1111: I thought I would just chime in here. "The pants on the ground" story reminded me of when I was 21, newly married and with a new baby.
My husband who had been brought up with maids thought it was alright to just drop his jeans and underwear on the floor by the bed.
I had plenty to do with a new baby. I repeatedly asked him nicely to put his pants in the hamper and he just ignored me. Back then we had cloth diapers and diaper pails.
Well, to make a long story short I decided to teach him a lesson and threw his jeans in the dirty diaper pail. When he got home from work and couldn't find his jeans, he asked me where they were.
I just turned toward my sons roon where the diaper pail was and pointed. He just screamed "Oh G-D No!! I just stood there with a grin thinking he would get the point.
He not only didn't get the point, he proceeded to grab a handful of clothes out of my closet, threw them in the tub and turned the shower on.
I don't have a moral to this story, other than to say, he did pick up his clothes from then on. I guess sometimes actions speak louder than words.
Gael
Nice. I laughed on this one. It's hard to make me laugh lately.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
METALLlC BLUE
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posted
quote:Originally posted by novy: prior to one person deciding to make that change, both parties are responsible for the previous condition of the relationship- therefore, no one is to blame, nor above their partner-
change, of any kind, is often met with resistance- people just like to have things "their way"- an otherwise mature individual will act childish when faced with change-
maybe the key to keeping it together is not to judge someone's reaction to change too harshly, or make them feel less of a partner, deepening the rift- tables have a way of turning pretty quickly-
We're still talking about normal-everyday folk who take out trash and do dishes, right? Because if people have issues that run deeper that that, it's very possible to turn into what you're talking about.
I'm talking about everyday male and female misunderstandings and differences, and how to get what you want or need without changing the other person.
I can't promise this advice works on predators, wife abusers, Queen Bee Rich Daddy Girls, or the exceptions.
If you've got a partner who you think might lose it at the drop of a hat the moment you choose to try to take control of anything that is rightfully yours to do so -- you need to consult a professional counselor or therapist, because this goes way beyond taking out trash and forgetting to buy milk and the advice I've given to help get those problems solved.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
glm1111
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posted
MB,
Glad my story could make you laugh. I wanted to keep the other story short and to the point, but the drama continued in another way. (sigh)
It was about his loafers that he left by the bed that I was always tripping over while carrying my baby. (he WAS picking up his pants at that point)
Well, one day while carrying a dirty diaper over to the diaper pail past his loafers, I (unbeknown to me) accidentaly dropped one of the um turds into his loafers.
When he came home from work he always looked forward to taking off his business shoes and slipping into his loafers. He proceeded to undress put on his jeans and slip into his comfortable loafers.
All of a sudden I hear the familiar sound of dispair when he let out another OH G-D NO!!
Needless to say, I was as horrified as he was when I realized he stuck his foot into the loafer with the doody. This time he put HIMSELF into the shower.It took a lot of convincing on my part that I didn't do it on purpose.
We were able to laugh about it later on. Thank goodness I had a big juicy steak waiting for him for dinner.
-------------------- PARASITES/WORMS ARE NOW RECOGNIZED AS THE NUMBER 1 CO-INFECTION IN LYME DISEASE BY ILADS* Posts: 6418 | From philadelphia pa | Registered: Jul 2008
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METALLlC BLUE, to be completely honest with you, i've never met a normal couple -- meaning people who don't have issues that run deeper than dishes and trash- (or poo in shoes ... ) there are delicate areas in every partnership that are dealt with alone in the privacy of the home, or amongst friends and/or with professionals if the circumstance warrants-
when my mate lays his cards on the table, we both experience change- and vise versa- most times it's gradual- though sometimes immediate- but when the issue at hand is something on the order of squeezing the tube of toothpaste in the middle ... well ... some think it's a courtesy to squeeze the tube from the bottom- but is it?
the OP never revealed the issue being addressed nor their personal view on common courtesy- and earlier on in the thread, 2roads mentioned 2 stereotypical habits of men -- which i don't agree with, but ran with it in an earlier post to uncover another perspective: acceptance- my husband is somewhat of a neat freak who tilts lampshades to shed more light on the book he's reading- so be it-
if you celebrate, merry christmas to you ... Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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METALLlC BLUE
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I get what you're saying Novy. You think the nuances and details which aren't revealed must be considered before any type of advice is really applicable.
I guess I assume that's implied when I speak, but surely it's not.
What it comes down to is tolerance and acceptance. However, if your tolerance is overwhelmed by another's choices, you'll have to approach it somehow or at some point in the most constructive way possible. Even doing everything you can to get it "right" -- you could still lose in the end.
I personally couldn't give a **** about washing dishes or taking out trash if I'm asked. In-fact I think I'm pretty reasonable about doing 95% of what's asked of me without needing to be asked twice. It's that 5% that I have issues with, with my partner and we're always trying to work them out. Some of them just aren't areas we can adapt to or agree upon -- but as long as they're tolerable, then we'll survive.
I am not celebrating, but I still appreciate the kind sentiment. This year has just been too hard for me to fake a smile and embrace grace of any sort. I'm just so focused on solving problems and getting better that I've shut everyone out almost.
Between the leg surgery, the stress of my partner being ill, the erosion of hope and will over nearly a decade of treatment, plus my own health which seems like an immovable cement wall -- I'm holding fast and staying numb so I don't lose that fire to keep going at full speed. I won't let go, nor give up hope.
Merry Christmas to all who can and or want embrace it!
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
posted
understood- all but the withdrawal- in my own circumstance i've yet to factor in its actual cost -- can't predict the future and can't say with any certainty i'll be able to afford it when the time comes to cough up the price that must be paid for time spent not doing what's expected of me but what's needed- so, yes, "right" doesn't guarantee winning- in fact, it might prove to the people expecting things of me, just where i've gone wrong- but wrong in their eyes, not mine-
sometimes it's frightening putting one foot in front of the other- but sitting on my hands and wishing **** was different never got me anywhere in the past- in any case, it's full speed ahead for me also -- even if my speed is equal to that of a snail ...
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
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Hoosiers51
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I didn't read all of this, but I think some people are making assumptions and over-analyzing what I said....
Basically, I was just venting. My husband and I have, what I would call, a great relationship. He asks me to do things, within "my" realm of what's possible, and I try to do them. I ask him to do things, within the realm of what's possible for him, and he tries to do them. We all slip up now and again. We are all human!
After I posted the original post, he even came to me and said, "I'm sorry I don't always listen. I need to do better." Before, he was basically just trying to cover up the fact that he was ignoring me, and he knew it, by turning the complaint on me ("I'm sick of being nagged"), and he finally realized that wasn't fair.
We all get frustrated when we feel like someone isn't listening. And in fact, a lot of times, some people just aren't very good at listening! Some people are less detail-oriented.
My husband doesn't resent when I ask him to do things, because he knows that we BOTH need to do things around the household for it to run smoothly. I don't resent when he asks me to do things either. I try not to make things to overwhelming for him, and he does the same for me.
Posts: 4590 | From Midwest | Registered: Jun 2008
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Hoosiers51
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I just finally remembered what I was asking him to do in the first place.....and it was.....LISTEN to me!
So aside from what some of you assumed, I wasn't asking him to do chores, etc. Not that assuming that is bad. But it seems like some people were being judgmental and inferring, "how dare I ask him to do something?" lol.
I do think that unless you were raised in the wild by wolves, or have never left the house in your whole life, the laws of common courtesy are pretty obvious. It would be hard to exist in society without following them.
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METALLlC BLUE
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Member # 6628
posted
I have no idea what I said earlier. It's been like a week, but...I certainly get where you're coming from, and hope none of what I said was ...mmm.. irritating or judgmental.
Hooray for listening.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
2roads
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4409
posted
Sorry Hoos if I made a mess of your post.
I was not a man and should have zipped the lip.
In our household, nagging equals something needing to get done.
It means many different things in many different households.
Sounds like you got a great man, and I'm happy that you both cleared up the misunderstanding.
As my daughter said to her uncle when she was 8, "Go away and leave yourself alone"..........and that is what I shall do.....night.
Posts: 2214 | From West Chester, PA | Registered: Aug 2003
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- I have always interpreted being accused of"nagging" to be an insult (and often inaccurate description); and "to nag" to "harp" in a harsh tone. Much is open to interpretation but anything anyone raises such a flag, there is usually a storm.
So, it's the definition and interpretation. For working out household chores, some find it helps to adopt the "business meeting" approach for voice tone as well as the goals and objectives.
It doesn't need to run like a "tight ship" but, certainly, running a household is essentially running a small business and there are many matter of fact aspects to that. And, as a couple does deal with emotion and all that, it can help to be on the same page with the communication styles and keep checking in with each other.
But, as for what a couple calls each other or how they define their own communication styles, certainly "nagging" implies a very tense situation. So, it's understandable that many reacted trying to help resolve the situation.
Active listening (without any background noise or other distraction) is one of the hardest things that we humans have to do. It's never easy and it always takes two to be actively engaged. -
[ 01-28-2011, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- I was just reading the news and came upon a relevant article regarding couples' communication styles and interpretation. Also included are two others he wrote this month that all go together: --------------
All written by Rober Leahy, Ph.D. (Director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy)
posted
Ok, so I haven't read the whole thread...way too much for my brain right now...however, I do have an opinion.
Communication, communication, communication!!! I think the thing that makes women nag most often is they don't feel heard. If she asks her man to do something and it isn't done within a couple of days, he obviously didn't hear her right?
Now, he may or may not have heard her, but when she starts to nag about it, he begins to feel disrespected and then no longer has the desire to please the woman and do what she asked. Is this making any sense at all...???
Love and respect. Its a two way street. If a woman respects her man, the man most often will respond with love for his girl and the desire to please her.
Now, as far as dirty laundry, dishes, and junk, goes, I think that people aren't raising their kids the way they used to. Seriously, if you grew up always having to take care of your stuff promptly, it becomes habit and you won't even think about it really.
I grew up in a home where my mom worked away (my dad had died) and me and my younger sister had to do all the work around the house. The cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. It really teaches you how to keep after all the clutter and potential grossness.
These are just my morning thoughts on this convo....tell me what you think!!
Posts: 265 | From Oregon | Registered: Aug 2009
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