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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » Divorce

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Author Topic: Divorce
DeafFromLyme
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Here I am again.... Divorce being threatened. I don't care anymore. But I just want you all to know what he said to me last night and tell me what you think.....

He said "I can't be with you anymore because you're always sick and will probably be sick for the next 30 years, I won;t live like that."

He didn't say it caringly, or sad he yelled it and told me I am ruining his life!
Nice huh? I wish I had a tape recorder to play for you all.

I looked at him, cried my eyes out and left. Came back obviously because my kids are here and I am the only one who cares for them.

--------------------
Erika

IgM Band 23 +

www.24weekperfectbaby.blogspot.com

Son's blog born at 24 weeks.

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Leelee
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Oh, I am so very sorry. If I could hug you I would.

Please remember that you are a valuable person who has wonderful children that need and love you.

I am keeping you in my thoughts.

--------------------
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. Martin Luther King,Jr

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Liz D
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hugsssssssssssssssssss
sorry for your hurt

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feelfit
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erika,

stay strong.

Feelfit

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Tif
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This is Tif's fiance. I have never posted on here, but this really ****ed me off. You deserve better.

Tif was dx'd with Lyme and co's 2 months after we started seeing each other. She has been sick to the point that she could barely function.

When you truly love someone, the fact that they are sick doesn't matter. We have battled this disease together. At times she has tried to make me go away so I wouldnt have to deal with this.

I love her and I'm in it for the duration. She is getting better and I will be here for her no matter what.

You need a partner that will support you and love you for you and not what you can do for them at this point in time in your life. This illness (or illnesses) does not define you.

I wish you all the luck and wellness in the world (and a speedy recovery).

Dave

--------------------
TL

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Tif
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We are both sending strength and hugs your way........

--------------------
TL

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JKMMC09
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Yikes! What ever happened to "in sickness and in health"

What he is doing to you is verbal abuse-- "threatening" you with divorce.

I know this is very hard, especially when children are involved [Frown]

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

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bettyg
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dave, how touching; glad you gave a male's perspective,

erika, [group hug] [kiss]

i'm so sorry to read this but this unfortunately happens way to often with lyme/co-infection patients!!


i've been truly blessed with my loving, supportive husband! oct. 5, we celebrate 35 yrs. of marriage. he has NEVER KNOWN ME HEALTHY.

so he lived up to our vows...in sickness and health, for richer or poorer.....

i'm one of the rare ones here with a LONG marriage. i tell him daily just how much his UNCONDITIONAL love means to me. when i need a shoulder to cry on; his is there and with lots of loving kisses/hugs.

he doesn't always understand things, but tries. won't read books/articles, but has a good excuse now ... his rolliing hand non-stop tremors where he can't use his hands anymore productively.

we are caregivers of each other. he's 71.5 now, and i see him slipping more each day. glad i got him a LIFELINE to wear around his neck during the times i'm away from home and going to health eduational programs at hospital.


many folks here also have found a divorce although so very painful was good as they got rid of the NEGATIVITY around them 24/7, and are picking up their lives for a more productive, loving one.


i don't envy you erika; YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!

come here day/night for 23/7 SUPPORT; you have our UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, support, advise, and encouragement for a better future for yourself and your children. [group hug] [kiss]

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just don
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Erika,
I asked because I DONT know. Is this guy the father of your children?? OR adoptive father?

You need to be thinking of protecting ALL your rights,right now!!

--------------------
just don

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DeafFromLyme
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Dave
Thank you so much for your words, you a rare commodity these days. Tif is very luck to have you... Do you have a brother??? [Smile]

Just Don
He is the father of two and adopted my 14 year old when we got married.

Guys, I am at the end now. I can't take anymore of this.I haven't stopped sobbing fo rthe last two days. (Let me just say it didn't stop after the threat) he woke me up at 5am this morning to scream at me because our checking account was overdrawn and we have no back up money and we don't get paid until next week.

My fault of course!I know I am paniking right now because I am shaking like I have Parkinson's... I can't stop crying even though my head is pounding.

Theres so much more involced here too that I htinkyou guys would be floored to hear... No physicall abuse but I have been called many hurtful names lately. I didn't ask for this disease, I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this.

I just do the best I can and apparently thats not enough. I'm done!

Thanks to all for your thought and support I don't really know what else to say. Love you guys even though I have never met you!

--------------------
Erika

IgM Band 23 +

www.24weekperfectbaby.blogspot.com

Son's blog born at 24 weeks.

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John S
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If you can get away do it. Being ill is enough stress.
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CathyMary
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Erika,

I am so sorry for the added stress you are under.

You don't deserve nor need it.

Neither do your children.

Domestic violence comes in all forms.

It does not have to be physical.

Name calling and threatening are abuse.

Any illness in a family, including your son's

premature difficulties and medical issues, puts

added stain on a marriage.

But that does not excuse your husbands behavior.

He needs professional help.
Sent PM too.

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Dekrator48
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Erika,

I understand what you are going through.

In 1994 I divorced my first husband after 16 years of misery.

I was fortunate to meet a wonderful man and we are very happily married.

I hope you can figure out what is best for you and your children.

Big hugs to you.

--------------------
The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11

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dmc
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Will pray for you and your family. May God, & the guardian angels support and give you strength at this time.
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aklnwlf
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Erika,

Speaking from personal experience...........

When I was going through the worst of my illness, I separated from my ball and chain.

We were separated for 3 years and it helped me tremendously not to have all the added pressure of a horrible relationship plus initial treatment for Lyme & Co to boot.

Being alone during treatment was much better than fighting with someone all the time.

Put yourself and your treatment first.

Thinking about you........ [kiss]

--------------------
Do not take this as medical advice. This comment is based on opinion and personal experience only.

Alaska Lone Wolf

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whatdayisit
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Hey Erika:

It's so hard to have somebody add sadness to your sickness. I'm sorry for your pains. I'll keep you in my prayers today.

Your living with Lyme already proves to me that you are brave. You are so brave. The crying and the shaking feels disgusting yet that is not the measure of you.

The people who do not want to lift us up are in much sorrier shape than we are. That's their tragedy.

The courage I've developed out of living in Lyme has helped me face loss and, over time, to be glad for it.

I'm sorry this is happening now, but I want you to know that when you share stuff about your struggles, it is helping me cope with mine too.

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bettyg
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erika,

do you have a local DOMESTIC HOTLINE PHONE NO. OR HOUSE TO GO TO??

you're in such a bad situation, and hubby could go beserk on you and your kids.

praying you get help soon and out of a bad situation...xoxoxox

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CathyMary
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I'm thinking about you I hope your tears have dried and your headache has subsided.

I'm sure it is scary to think about divorce. But sometime it is better than the alternative.

Don't put up with his abusive behavior.

You have enough to deal with.

You deserve him to support you not tear you down.

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Geneal
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Oh sweetie.

First I am sending you prayers and Angels to carry you through this.

You can do this....for your children and yourself.

Secondly, my thought is that it isn't your illness.

It is him.

Your illness is just a convenient excuse.

If it wasn't the Lyme it would be something else.

You did nothing wrong.

You don't deserve this even though you are getting it.

So, try to remember how worthy you are.

Don't let him make you feel unworthy.

That is where his power comes from.

We love you. Your children love and need you.

You don't need him to make you feel unworthy the rest of your life.

Think of it in reverse. Would you want to spend

The next 30 years being made to feel inadequate or not worthy

Of being loved no matter what the circumstances.

Sometimes you have to start with yourself.

Know that you are a wonderful, loving, compassionate person.

Someone that I am proud to call my friend.

Hang in there. Call for help from family or friends close by.

Don't let him in without some support there....

For your peace of mind and your childrens'.

Surround yourself with people who love you.

We do. Sending you hugs and more hugs.

It isn't anything you did or didn't do.

He is the one with the problem.

Let him be someone elses problem.

[group hug] [group hug] [group hug]

Hugs,

Geneal

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Jin
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Dear Erika,
Apparently the sacred vow of marriage means nothing to this man. You may be better off without him if he stresses you so much. That alone can intensify your illness. He promised to be with you in sickness and in health. No one deserves this. It is not your fault he is selfish and hateful.

Toxic relationships, whether they are with a spouse or any other person, are best ended. How many times has he lashed out at you?
Is everything always your fault? Does the other person start arguments with you for no apparent reason? These are important questions to consider. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where you are equals.

Sincerely,
Jin

--------------------
Celiac Disease (2007)
Candida Overgrowth (2006)
Thyroid Disease (2004)
Gallbladder Disease (removed- 2003)
Fibromyalgia (2001)
Ovarian Cysts (5 in less than 10 months - 2000)
Anemia (2000)
IBS (1999)
Acid Reflux (1999)

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lymeladyinNY
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Praying that it gets better for you, Erika. - Lymelady

--------------------
I want to be free

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kreynolds
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I think your husbands a real *******. Sorry had to say it.

As a husband and a father I can't stand ignorance.

I can't stand ignorance within the family especially when children are involved.

You are FIGHTING a chronic illness. You don't need the B******* and stress that he is causing.

I don't know the guy, but I have a feeling that he gets a kick knowing that you need him for support and he's not there.

When you got married what did he say? FOR RICHER OR POORER, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?? Right???

You have a good head on your shoulders and a you are a fighter.

I have seen a couple of posts where you said he left then came back.

You need to make the decision. As a male, I think I can speak for all males, we like control.

If you take the control away from him, watch his reaction. I know it's hard, but don't let him see you cry, be strong!

I feel for you and as a male I can't see how he can be doing and saying this to you..... What a real loser. Sorry for saying it.....

My thoughts are with you [group hug]

--------------------
Diagnosed CDC + 6/2007

Quest: + IGG Bands 18,23,39,41,58,66 and 93.

Quest: + IGM Bands
23,39

Quest: + Bartonella (B.Henselea & B. Quintana),+ Babesia, and + Mycoplasma and Lyme-Induced Addisons Disease

+ Biofilm blood test 12/2010

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Pepipony
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Hi Erika, I am 'new' , was here for some years, but then left for a bit. I am dealing with this now as well. For me it isnt so much my illness, but his, he is a pothead. I get those snarky mean comments too. Fun huh? I dont have children, so my divorce wont be quite so bad, but I do have horses that I will have to get rid of ( one I have had since she was a baby and is now 20) plus I will be leaving my country life for a city one.
YOU are to precious to deal with ignorance and stupidity. This will wear on your health and make you even sicker. Which will of course tick him off more, more snarky comments. Its just a bad roller coaster. Been dealing with it for 6 years myself.
No one can make a decision for you, no matter how bad they want to. You need to make that command decision to leave. Now may not be the time, may be tomorrow. Just know that you arent alone and there is NO , none, nada, zip, zilch need for him to be snarky. If HE cannot cope, thats his deal and his problem. NOT YOURS. You didnt ask for Lyme. You didnt ask to be sick. But you did marry him and HE did make that promise to you. His bad. Not yours. Even though I dont have a clue who you are, I have a feeling that we are quite alike. HUGS!!!!!!!! Heather

--------------------
dxed in '99 , dozens of Drs, no real clue.
WB + , many in fact
Central TX , where there 'isnt any' Lyme.

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DeafFromLyme
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Roy

Thank you for your support! Hearing from a males point of view definitely helps, as did Dave's advice. Please don't apologize for saying what he is.

He is a loser, he is an A*******, he is all of those things right now. I our relationship was like you and Katies. You guys are so supportive of each other no matter what and i feel like I finally deserve that.

My life will suck for a while, I know that, but I just turned 30 so I'm not that old yet [Smile] and I can "start over". More than myself though I worry about the kids. This will devastate them and because I am the one who will be "filing"; I will be blamed. That is something that could kill me.

My kids are my life and I don't want them angry at me or hurt by me so I am still in a bit of an emotional struggle with myself.

Pepipony, thanks for the thoughts and support. Never Divorce is one of the "rules" I always had growing up, in my eyes I felt unless cheating was involved there was nothing you couldn't work through. But I have been proven wrong.

Thanks everyone fo ryour support, prayers and thoughts, Lord know I need all the help I can get right now!

Thank You all!

--------------------
Erika

IgM Band 23 +

www.24weekperfectbaby.blogspot.com

Son's blog born at 24 weeks.

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kreynolds
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Erika,

You DO deserve a supportive person/male in your life.

It will be very hard to start over again, but look at the benefits.

There will be someone out there to love YOU for YOU.

Not because you are sick or because you have children, you WILL find that positive person and you will look back and say, "Why didn't I do this sooner?"

It will be hard at first, but you are young, only 6 years older than me.

Trust me Katie and I have our trying times as all couples do, but with this disease it makes us stronger.

You deserve better, plain and simple.

Wouldn't you want your children to have a dad that doesn't yell at his/her mommy for being sick?

I REALLY REALLY feel for you.... We are ALL here for you!

Hang in there, it will take time, but it will be worth it.

Right now you have too much going on to be focusing on getting better.

So once the overcast clears, it will be full steam ahead my friend! [Wink]

--------------------
Diagnosed CDC + 6/2007

Quest: + IGG Bands 18,23,39,41,58,66 and 93.

Quest: + IGM Bands
23,39

Quest: + Bartonella (B.Henselea & B. Quintana),+ Babesia, and + Mycoplasma and Lyme-Induced Addisons Disease

+ Biofilm blood test 12/2010

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Geneal
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Your children will survive.

They are more resiliant than you know.

When my Dad left for a "girlfriend", my sisters and I

Originally thought we or my Mom had done something wrong.

It wasn't easy. We had a lot of emotionally charged discussions.

However, about 6 years after, we all realized that

Our lives had been so much better for him leaving.

I assure you that either my sisters or myself would

Have gotten pregnant or done drugs or something to escape

The control freak that was and is my Dad.

He chose not to be a part in our lives.

His choice.

Mind you this was in the early '70's when no one else's parents

Were getting divorced. No support, no friends to talk to.

Make sure your children know that you love them.

I would not allow unsupervised visits until you know

What garbage he is capable of putting in their heads.

My Dad put a lot in ours.

Until he moved out of state.

I will always be grateful that my Mom had the guts,

Courage and the ability to pull her life together

And create a better one for us girls and herself.

While it seemed like the greatest tragedy of our lives,

It ended up being the best thing that could have happened for us.

All of us went to college. One is a Paralegal, one a RN and

I went on to be a Speech Pathologist finishing graduate school.

Hang in there. Prayers and hugs to you and your babies.

God never closes doors without opening windows.

When this door closes, it is for a reason.

So, take the time to be good to yourself.

You deserve it.

Make sure you get a really good attorney too.

Child support is very important.

Hugs,

Geneal

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polar blast
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Erica
please dont let your sob husband stress you out..you can not afford to let your immune system go down. I had lyme for many years and at thirty years old at the time my wife never said anything like what your sob said to you. this is really wrong! he only cares about himself. you really do deserve better! also better now the when you get older..so above all remain strong and dont let sob break you down!
Eric

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bettyg
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eric and roy,

so happy to see male replies here of support for erica and all others going thru this journey for QUALITY OF LIFE where you aren't attacked: verbally, physically, or sexually.

erica, we're all here for you 23/7 ok! someone is always here except for 1 hr. of wee am hours.... [group hug] [kiss]

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trishee
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Erica my friend,
You don't deserve this and your a much stronger person than you realize. You're kids are wonderful and will go thru the phases of divorce and they will be watching how you both handle yourselves. Its up to them to see the truth and someday know you had the courage to do what is good for everyone. I will be here one town over for baby sitting or whatever help you need. Please put your health first as those kiddos need you. The guy who calls them their father isn't acting like one and hasn't for a long time. Hasn't been any support to you. You're not alone. I can be ther if you need. I'm here all day today call if you want to talk.
Trish

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Ocean
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Erika,

You've received some great advice and I cannot think of anything else to add except that my heart is breaking for you and I am so very sorry that you are so sick and dealing with all of this.

[group hug]

Ocean

--------------------
http://www.healingfromlymedisease.blogspot.com/

Sick since 1996...Diagnosed 10/2008

IgM:23-25 IND, 31+++, 39 IND, 41 +++
IgG: 31 IND, 41++, 58+

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carly
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Erika,

I'm sorry you're being put through this.

Your illness isn't the reason he's an a**; we all know that!

Don't let him put that on you.

As far as your kids go, they won't care who filed the paperwork.

They won't be devastated by that.

They'll know how dad treated mom - don't think they don't know some of that already.

A good father doesn't treat the mother of his children like s***. Plain and simple.

(Please excuse me for speaking plainly)

You deserve better. They deserve better.

It's up to you to attain a better situation for yourselves.

Children grow up learning how to treat people -and how to be treated by others- by watching adults.

You say your life might suck for awhile.

It's good to be prepared, but I think that the good feeling of cutting that millstone from your neck might last a good long time. [Smile]

I am thinking & praying for you all.

[group hug] [group hug]

(You see the support you have here!)

Carly.

Posts: 797 | From New York | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jt345
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Hi Erika.

So sorry You are going through this. This diease just keeps on taking.

I don't know You or Your Husband,but I do know lyme diease. What He has said to You is so wrong and void of any compassion.

Lyme takes it's toll on all marriages,in someway. Too be honest I feel like a hollow shell walking around and it is catchy. My Wife is having a real hard time with Me right now.

But She hasn't been cruel or mean,but We have had our share of fights of late. I am not the same person She married and I know it. She is very protective,but yet She is begining too need things I can't give .

I think She is afraid I will die soon and She is afraid of where She will be left all alone.

I hate this diease,I hate what it has done too You ,and Me. All of Us really. {please don't let this go too far. If He shows the least bit violent leave if You can,if You can't call for help(promise that).

I have forgot the precentage of lyme marriages fail ,but it is stagerring. One thing I have found is that people around Me are just as sick as I am,even if They do not have lyme. I think that goes with any chronic illness. Sad as it may be it is true. Take care of Yourself, try and have a normal life,being yelled at is not normal in a happy marriage.

I will pray for You,and for Him,that His eyes will be opened to the fact that under all the suffering You are still there.

appleseed

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bettyg
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erika,

more love and prayers headed your way, and the voices of many who have walked in your shoes of getting a divorce. [group hug]

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DeafFromLyme
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Quick update adn Thanks to all...

I just don't know what to do still. I feel so lost and sad. I just cry and cry and cry... Thats why I haven't been here in a few days. I just can't take it anymore [Frown]

--------------------
Erika

IgM Band 23 +

www.24weekperfectbaby.blogspot.com

Son's blog born at 24 weeks.

Posts: 356 | From massachusetts | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kreynolds
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Erika,

Read above!!! There are people here that care about you and have been in your situation.

I know it is very hard for you right now, but you have to do whats in the best interest for your children and yourself.

You shouldn't have to cry everyday, you should have someone supportive not someone who is negative.

We are ALL HERE for you! Do you have family/friends in the area where you can stay to clear your head for a bit?

All I can say is do what your heart is telling you to do.

Are you going to be able to stand another 5 or 10 years of this abuse?

You have to look at the long run.

I am praying for you and your children through this trying time!

God Bless [group hug]

--------------------
Diagnosed CDC + 6/2007

Quest: + IGG Bands 18,23,39,41,58,66 and 93.

Quest: + IGM Bands
23,39

Quest: + Bartonella (B.Henselea & B. Quintana),+ Babesia, and + Mycoplasma and Lyme-Induced Addisons Disease

+ Biofilm blood test 12/2010

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bettyg
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roy, excellent advise for erika.

erika, [group hug] [kiss]


the 1st baby steps are always the worst to start from ..... then it gets easier.

yes, follow your heart [Smile]

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CathyMary
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Crying is good for the soul, let it all out, when

your done, you will be ready to take whatever

action makes the most sense to you. Good Luck

finding the right path. Be careful not to get stuck

too long in the crying patch, because it cleanses

your soul but takes a toll on your body.

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Melodymaker
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Erika,

So sorry that you are going through this ordeal. It's very hard to find that someone you have loved and put your faith in proves unworthy.

Remember this thought, being loved has less to do with deserving love, than the other person's capacity to love. Think about that.

You deserve love, your spouse is not capable of true love. It's his fault, and his problem.

Be as truthful with the children as you can. If you communicate with them about what is truly going on, he won't be able to convince them of lies.

Start out letting them know that the divorce was his decision. You will have to file the paperwork so that you can get immediate support. But let them know it was his decision.

Also, since it sounds like he's split before, the kids probably know what's going on. His behavior is unacceptable, and none of you should have to tolerate it.

Wishing you peace, blessings, and am praying for you. The greatest gift I can give.

--------------------
Wishing You Showers Of Blessings!
Lyme since Fall 1983 = Diagnosed Summer 2008
IV Rocephin 7 weeks Stopped due to drug fever
Now doxycycline
"For I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

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just don
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Do you KNOW what my oldest daughter told me many times after it was all over???

She asked me WHY it took so long to GET a divorce. She laid in bed every night and prayed we would!!!

See how children think,that we think dont KNOW??

Just approach it with them positively and HARD as it is,,, do NOT run down your kids father where they MIGHT even hear!!!

take the HIGH road and get the heck out of Dodge. Well actually file and ask for the house for the sake of the 'kids' well being,,,and have him PAY for it,,,if possible!!!

Park HIS stuff outside if you have to. have him move since the kids NEED there home!!! PLUS support, plus plus plus,,he will WANT to come crawling back when he sees the financial side of this.

make sure its 75-25 % in YOUR favor,,,at LEAST!!!

--------------------
just don

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