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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » Not in trouble right now. . but how do you fight the suicide urge?

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Author Topic: Not in trouble right now. . but how do you fight the suicide urge?
peacemama
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I understand that impulse control can be a problem for people with Lyme & especially Bartonella. . and I have my fair share of issues that involve impulse control, but what do YOU do to dampen that urge and quell the passion that seems to want you dead?

It happens cyclically for me, but the past few times have been really serious. Really scary. I don't have much IRL support. Even when I tell my friends that I need help and that overwhelm, although very common, is life-threatening for me they don't come to the table.

I'm open to ideas, tools, game plans.

Posts: 564 | From Tick Hell | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
randibear
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i've had days where i just stood in the shower an squalled!!

but no matter how low i've been, i've never really considered suicide. i'm too much of a coward really.

and no matter how bad it gets, it's just not something i would do.

there is always someone worse off.

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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MDW005
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when you feel that dark cloud coming over you,

try and remember its our disease, and immediatly

get up and attempt to occupy yourself make the bed, clean out the closet, etc.

talk to us! do you have a pet? love on him/her.

Once you recognize whats happening thats when you get busy.

I had 2 neighbors this year commit suicide. and it

was very devastating to the neighbors and the familys

involved.

Put youself in a crowd and just start talking to people

--------------------
God's promises mean you always have something wonderful to look forward to.

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kam
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When I am going through the rough times I post on lymenet and it has helped me get through.

With me, something seems to change chemically in the brain...and I am really just to non functioning to do anything about it.

SEveral things have gotten me through...thinking of those that have helped me along the way with this and not letting them down.

The last time it was my dog...i know..silly...but wasn't doing well enough to call someone and have them come and get her.

And the fact that I really don't have anything around me to end things or the strength or function ability.

I also try and remind myself to wait it out as I know that whatever is going on in the brain will look differently when it is over.

I have my fight back once it stops and usually can't even recall what was going on at the time to give a doctor the symptoms.

Thinking of others that have committed suicide comes to mind and I think at the time that maybe they were right in doing what they did.

But, then I try and tell myself to think of something more positive and drop the dark thoughts.

it is a battle.

Mostly, I just tell myself my only job it to keep breathing.

Once I am through the rough time, then I can decide if I still want to end things.

So far, once my health improves I have my fight back

I also noticed when I tried taking antidepressants it made things worse for me.

And when I stopped the thoughts of how to commit suicide stopped.

Others find antidepressants help them.

I also have tried counseling but in this area I find that was not good for my health.

In my old town, the counselor was a support system in general..mostly just telling me to do something fun...which was kind of tricky and still is...but learning that something fun has changed and can be as simple as being able to take a shower, or being happy I have a warm coat that is working and long johns, etc as the brain and problem solving was a problem but gettting slightly better.

Xango helped also once a friend started providing it. Why. I don't know. But, I have noticed when I go off of it I am at a lower level of functioning and the mood is more negative.

OK got to give my brain a break.

it is scary though. And I keep thinking I need to think of a way to deal with those dark times before they come.

But, so far, just getting on line and asking for help has helped me get through it.

And if I am doing well enough to try and record when it hits...as I also loose perspective on time...I start thinking I have lived with that low of health for years or months when it is actually just been a few days.

Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pab
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peacemama,

You can always post here. I would post in medical so more people can see/read the post.

You said your friends don't come to the table for you. Would would that mean? What could people do for you when you're feeling that way?

I'm asking because I really don't know.

--------------------
Peggy

~ ~ Hope is a powerful medicine. ~ ~

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LynAsaurus
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Peace Mama,

I know how you feel. Lyme net though is a good place for friends that are a little more understanding. I have post its around my house because I often get discouraged. Even though they have cheesy things on some of them. Before I go to a Dr's appointment especially my primary care I put more up, or if I feel a down period coming I find more quotes and put them up. Doesn't work all the time.
but its worth a shot.

--------------------
Lyn-A-Saurus
http://somethinginbetweenthelymes.wordpress.com/

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Lymetoo
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A close relationship with God is what helps me.

I hope you will find the right "tool" for you!

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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peacemama
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My husband threatens to call the police and gets in my face when I am thinking of suicide. When I tell my friends, it is as if they don't hear me at all.

So, now I'm just telling everyone. Oh, yeah, I'm at risk for suicide when my Bartonella is rearing its ugly head.

I'm not going to expect anything to be different. . but it is almost like having an at-risk baby. In the old days, you didn't tell people you were pregnant until they were safely in the 2nd trimester.

But now, more people just tell people, so if they lose the baby, then they will have support (theoretically). So, I'm just going to tell people. Bartonella is life-threatening. No doubt about it.

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kam
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Don't know if I mentioned it but I also need to stay way from negative people as it amazes me how low my self esteem is with this and how easily things bother me or bring me down.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lymemomtooo
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go for a walk..Call someone that cares..do not hesitate to call 911 if that is the only thing that will work.

Call the dr and check on meds..Detox..lmt

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sixgoofykids
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You have my cell phone number, use it!

For me, it was the same as Lymetoo. I knew in my heart God would send me no more than I could handle, though it felt like he sent more and sometimes I yelled at him for it. I was more scared of answering to God after taking a life (my own) than I was scared of the pain. I think Hell is a bartonella herx .... I certainly did not want to risk having that eternally.

--------------------
sixgoofykids.blogspot.com

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MADDOG
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Hi Peacemama
I get professional help,I see a psychologist every two weeks,and a psychiatrist every month.

My psycologist is really cool,laid back,calms me down.She opened my last Social security determination letter for me because I couldent open it by myself,i was afraid I would do myself in if I opened the letter by myself.

I had a good cry there and she got me through it.

MADDOG

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Lymetoo
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quote:
Originally posted by sixgoofykids:
I was more scared of answering to God after taking a life (my own) than I was scared of the pain. I think Hell is a bartonella herx .... I certainly did not want to risk having that eternally.

good point

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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IMHisda
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The best thing for my was some very serious rational emotive behavioral therapy (founded by Albert Ellis) done by a caring therapist. She helped me stop thinking about it so much - this was before all the pain but even at my worst my prayer is that God will use this in me to help others and take me if I can't handle the pain any more/ That He would take me- I'd never even thing of taking me any more since he's working all this Lyme pain into his plan somehow and boy would I be bummed if I missed out on it.

--------------------
RV

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laurajeanne
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Honestly, this is very very very private to me. I have had my struggle with this. And I have lost a friend to suicide. I talk to my Mom. I know that sounds silly, but that is who I go to. On those days I felt the worst, I was on the antidepressant... but sometimes it works for other people. I like to sing. This might sound dumb, but tears come a lot in the shower. I sing "Let it Be" by the Beatles. It helps me when I am feeling down.

I hope you find your days are filled with more joy and laughter, and less pain. Each day is a gift.

My heart to you -
Laurajeanne

--------------------
I'll make the most of it,
I'm an extraordinary machine

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gusgus260
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I tried suscide a couple years back by OD'ing on my meds. It was very, very close. I was amazed at the true concerns of my family, and especially my only child, a boy 16 years old. It's a hard way to show them what I/we go through every day. I learned how much my son needs his father (his mother is an alcholic), and what I mean to my family. 19 years ago at an AA meeting, I learned that sucide is the highest form of selfishness- while we are gone we leave the mess and painful memories for the rest of the family, for the rest of their lives. Now when I think about dying ( every day), I know how much my son need's a dad, and the legacy I would leave to my family. I ask God daily for hope instead of fear, and each night day of soberity.
If need be, check the front of any phone book and there is usually a suscide prevention phone number to help you. Use them first as someone who will listen to you and your problems, and posibly steer you to some help. They are there 24 hours, every day of the trying to help people. Help them to help you.

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BHealthyNow
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I tell myself that I just have to get through that night. I am always better in the morning; it's the nights that get me. So I just make myself get through the next couple of hours and get to sleep. So far it works. And I allow myself to get angry. If I have to throw my son's sippy cups, then I do. I have. (I just don't throw them at anyone.)

--------------------
Lyme, Bart, possible Babs
Currently on IV Doxy, Bactrim, Zithromax, Nystatin, Mepron
Been on nearly every antibiotic since 10/09

About 60% improvement. Dizziness, air hunger remain.
http://lemonandlyme.blogspot.com

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street129
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when im alone and scare, i sing jesus love me this i know, for the bible tell me so, then i hum....over and over and over, just those verses

--------------------
IgM: Neg Neg 34IND 39IND
41+ 83-93IND

IgG: Neg Neg 41+

cfs, hhv6, mycobacterium, hsv1, cmv, pirovirus, and Epstein Barr virus.... digestive system

GOD GIVE IT, AND GOD CAN TAKE IT AWAY

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merrygirl
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what has stopped me is picturing my kids at my funeral.....
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Limeaid
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I just went to the funeral back home of one of

my best friends. She committed suicide and her

22 yo son found her. I could've never imagined

she would ever do something like this! She has

dealt with depression at times, but I thought

she had a handle on it. Now we are all left

with questions that will never be answered.

Also there are many people, including me, who

are blaming themselves for not "seeing the

signs." Suicide is a permanent solution to a

temporary problem. Our lives will never be the

same. If you are having even the slightest of

thoughts about suicide, PLEASE seek help. Talk

to someone, anyone. Call the suicide hotline,

see a counselor. Talk to your friends and

family, REACH OUT. Know that the way you feel

will not last forever, and things WILL get

better. If you feel you can't talk to anyone

about this, I will pm my phone number, and you

can call me anytime night or day.

People care about you.
Limeaid

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peacemama
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Thank you all for your comments. I wish that the urge didn't come and go. I would prefer it be here all the time or never. But alas, this is lyme.

; (

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Keebler
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-
Adrenal support can turn this around. Really. In addition to treating the infections and excellent liver support, adrenal support can often help stop those sudden mood drops.
-

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Hoosiers51
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Personally, I think meds like SSRI's are crucial.

I have spoken personally with the famous Lyme researcher from Columbia University, Dr. F, and he believes that SSRI's are actually protective of the brain when it's going through something like Lyme, and that those meds will help the brain heal.

There is no reason not to be on them, in my opinion. They helped me through some hard times....I wonder why I never took them sooner. Wish I had. I am off them now, and going off was not hard at all.

So sorry about what you're going through....please get the help you need, even if these feelings only come in cycles, it is worth it so the cycles don't happen! It's not healthy for your brain to be so deprived of proper functioning. And it is miserable to go though.

A good psychiatrist that is professional, educated and up-to-date, and takes you seriously is the way to go. Please get help and stop trying to do this on your own!

There are so many misconceptions out there....but in essence, they are just helping your brain do what it should be doing naturally.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about my experiences.

Hugs!!!!!

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METALLlC BLUE
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I made an internal commitment to myself that no matter how brutal and painful the condition became, that I would fight it to either the end (It wins) or until I won.

So, it's either me or it but I'm not quitting.

--------------------
I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.

E-mail: sbauz[email protected]

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LoneDove
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Cling to God and if you have a dog - hug the dog.

Come here and vent.

Also, no matter how low I get, God can take me home but the b.....ds that came up with strange illness aren't going to win.

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Gahagan
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I agree with Hoosiers. SSRI's are crucial. Without mine, I'd be a wreak. Admittedly, lately I think I need a little something extra, but my Prozac is literally a lifesaver.

I was ashamed when I first started taking it. However, a very good friend gave me this piece of advice: "If you were a diabetic, you'd take insulin and think nothing of it. Similarly, your body..your brain...is not producing something it needs to function properly. Taking the Prozac for you is no different than a diabetic taking insulin."

You know what? She's right.

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Gahagan
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Also...as for depression and Lyme.... Nearly every day I drive across a very tall bridge than a friend of mine jumped to her death from. She had Lyme disease and couldn't tolerate the pain and all the other BS that comes with LD.

I think of her (Velvet) EVERY TIME I cross that bridge.

I always think...what a shame that she didn't find a doctor that could help her.

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METALLlC BLUE
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I agree with also trying antidepressant medication and mood stablizers like Lamictal if the depression is an ongoing crippling symptom. For me it was.

What worked for me finally was the Lamictal, but I had my psychiatrist contact the president of ILADS (he's a psychiatrist) to find out what the best combination would be. We went with the Buproprion and he recommended the Lamictal.

It helped me a lot. Considering how miserable and sick I am, at least the depression is "manageable." You still get bad days, and you still have a ****ty attitude sometimes -- especially during a flare, but it's nowhere close to how it was.

--------------------
I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.

E-mail: [email protected]

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sutherngrl
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Not that I actually would consider suicide, but I definetly sometimes have just wished God would take me. I feel this way periodically and like Kam said, it feels chemical. I know its the illness; but sometimes it is hard to rise above it.

When I feel this way, there is no one that can come to my rescue; even my very supportive husband can not possibly understand what its like living in my world, the lyme world.

Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me, but I don't know why; and even though I have a close relationship with God, sometimes I don't know what to pray for, so I just say the "Lords Prayer". I pray for Jesus to intervene on my behalf, since it is in the Bible that He does.

The one person(besides you guys)that I know understands me the most is my LLMD. He truly gets it; and so I feel better mentally after my LLMD appts.

One of my prayers is asking God to just work through my LLMD to heal me.

And I have to believe that God has a reason for all of my suffering. The Bible says, suffering is not meaningless. So I figure that its in Gods hands, and he has a powerful message to portray through my illness.

Most of the time I feel like I am in the fight of my life and that I am just way too stubborn to ever give in to it. Most of the time the tough side of me comes through and gets me through. I am pretty hard headed and I like to win.

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elley0531
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I am very lucky-I have a very supportive fiance who does not have Lyme but does know what it is like to have severe depression and also understands to the best of his ability what I am going through.

I also have a good psych doc. I try not to talk to my friends much-I trust them and I know they'd do what they can, but its hard for them and overwhelming I know so I just leave that alone.

The best thing for me though is distraction!!! Clean clean clean, go for a walk in nature, and also I re-read journal entried of my best days.

I have also gotten more spiritual. I am not christian and do not believe in one specific god, btu I do believe in something greater than we are and I focus and meditate on that inner sense. It really helps me.

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