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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » One Year update- alive and kickin' after suicide attempt

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Author Topic: One Year update- alive and kickin' after suicide attempt
MazzyStar
LymeNet Contributor
Member # 22017

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It is officially one year now since I received my diagnosis and started treatment. Ooohhh- what a nightmare!

My first treatment was an herbal remedy from a natural clinic in Wichita. It has Cat's Claw in it, and I herxed so bad, so very very bad, that I started having severe nerve pain, auditory and visual hallucinations, seizures, convulsions, tremors, brain jolts and shakes, severe cognitive problems....and the list goes on. I was in a state of terror every second of the day. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then I tried to commit suicide. I took a knife and stabbed myself. My goal was to stab myself, see the blood, and then pass out and die. But when I didn't pass out, I panicked and continued to stab myself. It ended up being 18 times. I know it sounds very disturbing, and I guess it is, but I was desperate to die. I was in sooooo much pain, so much turmoil that I would rather be dead and in peace living with God then be stuck in a body torturing itself.

This is from a wife and mother of three beautiful daughters. Six months prior, I was happily married, happily being a mom, and working as a marriage and family therapist. I had everything going for me, wonderful family, wonderful house... everything. (Not rich, just very happy). Who could have guessed that I would get to such a low place in my life.

They through me into a mental hospital after my hospital stay (where they repeatedly told me that Chronic lyme doesn't exist), where I continued to be mentally abused by the psychiatrists who didn't believe in lyme. They labeled me as "Post-partum depression". What a joke! Like my physical symptoms were 'fake' and it was all about me giving birth that same year. Ugh, I could scream I was so made. They called me crazy thinking my kids could have it...even though my youngest showed signs as soon as she was out of the womb. (tremors, jerking)

My life crumbled. Not only did I have this horrible disease, but my kids. My beautiful, innocent kids....why should they suffer...why God why???

I started antibiotics soon after my ordeal,....and gradually got better. I was on Doxy, Zith, and Flagyl pulsed. I have 18 scars on my tummy (which totally sucks, cause it was my one good body part [Smile] I never had stretch marks. lol. And I have a messed up hand cause I sliced my wrist too.
But...
I'm alive. And I'm much much better. I still have some scary brain issues, feels like Im getting electrocuted, and some other symptoms, but I'm able to be a wife and mother again.

Please don't judge me on what I did to myself. It was never supposed to be that bad, but I panicked. My husband came home and called 911, so, I tried harder and faster to end it.
But I'm glad he saved me. I have made it one more year with my girls, my lovely beautiful girls.

This disease does crazy things to your body and emotions. I know that this disease is way too deep into my brain to be "cured", and I know that I will eventually die from this disease (although many people don't think so), but I'm so thankful for to be where I am now. So thankful!

I've been on antibiotics for almost a year. I am starting to have some pretty severe side effects from the meds, so I don't know how long I will be able to take them. But for now, they are keeping me alive.

I tell you my story to hopefully reach out to those who are in the same situation I was in. I'm here to tell you to HOLD ON, IT DOES GET BETTER! Please don't think suicide is the answer. Fight those freaking spirochetes till the very end.

We will all do this together. Prayers to all of you!

--------------------
Lyme, Babs, Ehrlichia


www.mommalyme.com

Posts: 276 | From Kansas | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251

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Brandimc - Happy One Year Lyme Treatment Anniversary! In an illness where we mark our progress in years, each anniversary is a milestone.

I'm happy you are still here to celebrate it with your family. I'm sorry the past year was so difficult for you.

Please don't be hopeless about achieving recovery. Many, many people reach symptom-free remission. You are with an LLMD and taking antibiotics. It takes time.

Your LLMD should be able to help you tolerate the antibiotics so you can continue treatment. If not, please find a good natural medicine provider - Naturopath, Acupuncturist, Chiropractor, Nutritionist - who can help support your body through treatment.

This disease does make us crazy. And it's not just the disease; it's the denial and abuse we experience in the medical system. We deserve combat medals for successfully navigating the mine-field that is Lyme.

Thanks for coming back to Lymenet and telling your story. Others who are suffering will feel less alone.

Keep us posted as you progress in your treatment.

Wags and woofs,
BoxerMom

--------------------
 - Must...find...BRAIN!!!

Posts: 2867 | From Pacific NW | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
grandmother
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[group hug]
Posts: 888 | From CT | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JunkYardWily
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Member # 24271

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brandi im happy youve seen so much improvement that you now have hope and are happy to be alive. idk if treatment will work fully for you but give it more time especially since youve progressed this far.

just curious, why did you make the decision to go the herbal route first?

--------------------
sick since 9-09
igg, 18,23,41 reactive
igm, 41 reactive

Posts: 436 | From Kansas City | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MazzyStar
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Junkyard,
Well, we were waiting for my ignenix test to come back in three weeks. Meanwhile, I was very sick, not in pain, but very toxic. I was almost positive that it was Lyme, and ran across the clinic in the same home town as my inlaws. I thought, "might as well try SOMETHING rather than nothing" while we wait for the IGENIX test.
I liked the clinic, but he SHOULD have told me about herxing.

He started me off on 3 DROPPERS 3 times a day...where most people start on 1-3 DROPS a day, I was doing 2-3 Droppers (full) three times a day. Oh my goodness, If I would have only known that it was making me so bad!

I'm glad Im here too Boxermom! Just so worried about my kiddos. We will go completely broke treating everyone in this family. God help us.

--------------------
Lyme, Babs, Ehrlichia


www.mommalyme.com

Posts: 276 | From Kansas | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dekrator48
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Brandi,

I am so happy to see your post and hear how much better you are doing!!

Now you are here to help someone else who may need the support!

God loves you and your family and is so happy that you are fighting for your health so you can take care of your beautiful girls for many years.

Many blessings to you!

[group hug] [group hug] [group hug]

--------------------
The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11

Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
gatorade girl
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Thanks for sharing your story. I am a social worker/ therapist too. My goal is to be a Lyme literate therapist when I get well. It is so sad that there is a lack of Lyme literate therapists. It is such a tough disease we are up against the medical establishments, lack of insurance coverage for treatment, and problems functioning due to physical and cognitive problems, and physical pain. Sending you a big hug. You are brave to share your story. Feel better.

--------------------
gatorade girl

"I still have Mt.Everest to climb, but I have traveled across the world and arrived at the mountain".

Posts: 633 | From baltimore | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dogmom2
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You are so brave to have come through so much. Thank you for sharing with us. Positive healing thoughts for you...

diana

Posts: 857 | From northern california | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
keltyl
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Thanks for sharing your story. You are truely an inspiration.
Posts: 847 | From upstateNY | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin123
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Thx, Brandi, for telling us what happened. One key is finding treatment we can tolerate. Am thinking maybe if you can get back to your work some day, you'll be able to counsel families too. Hang in there - you're strong.
Posts: 13049 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
momofthree
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I know how you felt. I was there once too but thankfully too weak to get up and do anything about this. I heard Dr. B talk last month. He said the number one cause of death in lyme people is suicide.

I can understand why. I went from normal and healthy to stuck in a chair or bed, my kids having to care for me, finding out all of them are infected and literally going brain dead. I couldn't think or read or even watch TV.

It has been one year since I started treatment and I am happy to report that the majority of days I have my brain back to full function! Hang in there.

One of my kids had Lyme since 5th grade. He got panic attacks then had ADD symptoms. A to F student in one year. My daughter had and has all kinds of cognitive problems. My son is now clear headed after 9 month of meds.

My daughter has a clear head most days after 1 year of treatment. She showed signs of Lyme for 9 years before I knew what it was.

Sometime I believe that I had to become a vegetable to discover what happened to my kids all those years ago. I stuck them in therapy for years and medicated their ADD and depression. Talk about guilt when all along they only needed some antibiotics to get better.

One thing that kept me alive, when all I wanted to do was die, was the fact that no one in my family or friends believed in Lyme and I couldn't bear the thought of my kids never getting treated.

Now my mom has come around and even though it is hard for her to understand she promised me that no matter what she will be sure my kids get their treatment until they are well.

We definitely need more trained counselors. My kids only problems were in their heads. No drastic pain or ailments, just unable to think and comprehend. Please continue to fight so we have more help where I believe it is truly needed.

Posts: 303 | From green bay, wi | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dawn in VA
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Brandimic, this is so good to hear from you! I remember being really concerned about you previously. I am SO SO SO glad to see your post! You rock, woman! Congratulations on overcoming, surviving, and, achieving a level of success with your treatment.

--------------------
(The ole disclaimer: I'm not a doctor.)

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julielynne4
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Brandi, I have thought of you many many times over the last year and I am SO glad to see your post! Thank you for sharing. What an incredible thing you have been through and continue to go through. [Smile]
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Wonko
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I appreciate your honesty in sharing your story. Happy Anniversary, sorry you're here but glad to have you!
Posts: 455 | From Was in PA, then MD, now in the Midwest | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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