METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
I posted this in another thread.
Something happened to me recently that really angered me. I was to take a trip to Italy to receive crucial treatment for my illness.
Two days prior to the flight, my nephew was having his first communion. My brother was severely fierce in his "hope" that I would make an appearance.
When I called him a week in advance he appeared to cope well with my decline to go. I told him that my health was poor, and that making the trip was essential. I needed to be well enough to travel and so I had to rest before leaving.
The day of the activity he told people at the celebration that he was very disappointed that I did not attend. He said "Why is it that he can Fly to Italy but can't even stop by for a few hours for such an important event?"
I called him later expressing my unhappiness about his comments. I was informed of what he said by others who attended. His response was repetitive. He kept saying "I was disappointed. Nothing you say matters, because I was disappointed." It was like a mantra for him.
He refused to acknowledge my reasoning when I called. I told him I really wanted to attend but it was not wise because it could be the difference between draining my energy and causing me to be very sick when attempt to travel.
We are at a stalemate, which has been going on for years. I gave him a copy of Under Our Skin and I've tried to help educate him. I am unable to get thru to him.
I'm an extremely brilliant and intelligent communicator -- or so I'm told -- and if I can't convince him of the significance of this situation, what else can I do?
I'm in need to finding a way out of this. The anger is strong on both sides now.
How can I explore further dialogue with my brother? What can I do to save this relationship?
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
Just do what you have to do for your health and keep trying to kindly educate him about your predicament. If he never accepts it and continues down the path that will sever the relationship, well, try to leave him an open door and you did everything you could.
After awhile, you realize it is painful banging your head against a brick wall.
I no longer talk to my cousin, after a few derisive comments about my disease. Does it bother me, yes, but it bothers me less than having to deal with him. I see him at social events and I try to be polite.
Posts: 743 | From New York | Registered: Apr 2009
| IP: Logged |
Carol in PA
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5338
posted
quote: The day of the activity he told people at the celebration that he was very disappointed that I did not attend. He said "Why is it that he can Fly to Italy but can't even stop by for a few hours for such an important event?"
He felt it reflected badly on him, that his brother did not attend the function. So he disparaged you.
People who do not understand your situation would likely think he has an awful brother, and so he gets all the sympathy and attention.
Gee, it's not as if you were going to be able to run off the plane and tour 30 cities in a week.
You may be a good communicator, but if the person is not a good listener, well...
Carol
Posts: 6956 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
It is confusing to a "normal thinking person"...or I should say someone who is not walking in our shoes.
I get disappointed frequently myself. Why I can I walk in the woods for 10 min one day and not be able to walk to the bathroom another day.
You were right to look after your health. Good luck on your trip.
I assume all will be fine on down the line with your brother even though he may never understand.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
This event happened many months ago, back in May. I have already come and gone to Italy. The very thing I feared is exactly what took place. The enormous stress that my mother and brother put out there created such a strong reverberation that my trip was not only brutal, but I had two massive Crohn's Disease flare-ups that left me bedridden for about a month.
Dealing with him is toxic for my health, even though he appears to just be a regular guy. Family is never "easy." I believe my only solution is to cut him off.
If I do cut him off, what is -- in your opinions -- the best way to communicate that in order to decrease the fall out to it's minimum? I have ideas since I've dealt with this for a lifetime, but I'd still like to hear your thoughts.
Now remember, I have two nephews who are caught in the cross fire.
One more issue. If I cut contact, that's the end. It will be the end for life, no matter whether I keep a door open or not. My brother has made this very clear in a number of his own relationships. When someone does him wrong -- from his perspective -- that's it.
He hasn't talked to my other brother Mike in almost 15 years. Mike (my other brother) told Mark that his wife was cheating on him and that he didn't deserve to be treated that way. Mark, being extremely loyal attacked Mike and told him that it wasn't his business to talk about "Tina".
Mark has therefore cut Mike out of his life simply because Mike was trying to help him.
Another case. My brother hasn't spoken to my father in 25 years. That's a whole other story. His reasons in that case are certainly easy to justify, but they aren't the best decision.
Another thing that seems to have strengthened my brothers resolve to "cut" relationships is that his wife reminds him "How close of a friend is he really? Your brother isn't even really your brother, he's only your half brother."
Comments like that, are poison. I'm not the one killing this relationship. He and his wife are.
I have no choices really left given all of this complexity.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
quote:Originally posted by Carol in PA:
quote: The day of the activity he told people at the celebration that he was very disappointed that I did not attend. He said "Why is it that he can Fly to Italy but can't even stop by for a few hours for such an important event?"
He felt it reflected badly on him, that his brother did not attend the function. So he disparaged you.
People who do not understand your situation would likely think he has an awful brother, and so he gets all the sympathy and attention.
Gee, it's not as if you were going to be able to run off the plane and tour 30 cities in a week.
You may be a good communicator, but if the person is not a good listener, well...
Carol
You hit the nail on the head. The worst part is that before this incident, I thought we had nailed down all these expectations. I asked him direct questions:
Do you and Tina respect me? He said yes. Do you believe I am ill with Lyme Disease? He said yes. Do you want me to be in your life? Yes Do you understand that I am not in control of my health. Yes Do you understand that I am incapable of meeting some expectations. Yes Is it fair that I warn you in advance when my health will likely prevent me from attending family get-togethers? Yes Do you still love me? Yes
I was very candid and asked him these things. I asked him to watch the DVD, and I told him that Lyme Disease "is" who I am now at this point. It's not a disease that permits you to somehow compartmentalize yourself. My life revolves around medications, treatments, friendships with other Lyme patients, advocacy, the science, and the day to day grind of complaining about some serious suffering that sometimes takes place.
I can't shop, cook, clean my own place very easily. I have a hard time driving. I am disabled.
That's the bottom-line. I can't deal with this anymore. I must set one more limit or decide to end this, and if I do end it -- I don't really know how? It will viscous and messy, that I do know. He will attack.
I'm 12 years younger than my brother, if that makes a difference. The rest of my brother's and sisters have also abandoned me. My sister Kerry, Nadine, Mike, Raymond. All abandoned me at a young age during this illness.
So as you can imagine, I've tried hard to educate people and inform them of my intents. It seems everyone is fine and agrees up front, but as soon as they don't get what they want -- it all goes out the window.
I also find romantic relationships have been nearly the same for me up until I met Erica. Every single girl knew I was infected. I told them the facts in simple terms. I told him what my capacity and limits were.
Everyone is "Sure, I can handle it." Then reality sets in and they abandon you.
Seems logic, commitment, and understanding are extremely rare principles that are only practiced when it's convenient. It wasn't conveient that day for me not to show up, even though he was given 1 weeks notice.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
posted
I just stop talking to people who act that way. Half my family thinks I am killing my kids by treating them. It is okay to treat myself but I should leave the kids out of it.
I never confronted them, just stopped calling. I am polite when and if they do call, which is never. I want to leave room for them to change or for the world to change their perception of this disease.
Posts: 303 | From green bay, wi | Registered: Mar 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
If I were you, don't tell him. Just continue on. If you tell him, the arrow is shot from the bow, and it doesn't appear that you are ready for that yet.
Just live your life, hard as it may be, and don't put put too much weight on his opinions. Learn to ignore him.
Maybe in the future things will change for the better.
If in the future something makes even this unbearable, then turn around and tell him. Even then, I'd be polite about it.
Posts: 743 | From New York | Registered: Apr 2009
| IP: Logged |
17hens
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23747
posted
When I have difficult situations, often, my need is to be understood. My feelings understood. I dont' need the other person to agree with me or change their mind but if they could only try to understand where I'm coming from, validate my feelings, then I'm good.
From reading your post, what I understand is this:
It wasn't that you didn't want to go to the family event, it was that you couldn't go because you needed to take care of yourself, guard your health for the trip. In your condition, it's not even like you had a choice. If you could have gone, if you had enough health to attend, you would have.
Your brother was disappointed that you weren't there. He didn't say he was disappointed in you, but disappointed that you weren't there. The event was not complete to him without you there. He doesn't understand your health, how can anyone not in your shoes.
Maybe if you each try to understand the feelings of the other, not needing to agree, but just relate to the feelings, then you could get past the anger. The anger is what is keeping you apart.
To save a relationship, it always helps to take the first step. Maybe a simply written note. Direct and to the point. Not accusing, not angry, just validating his feelings, saying you understand. It just might be all he needs. And then maybe he'll be able to give you what you need.
Hope so, MB. Hope it works out for you. Thanks for sharing with us.
-------------------- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
bit 4/09, diagnosed 1/10 Posts: 3043 | From PA | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
Tricky Tickey
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26546
posted
In my humble opinion, based on my observation & dealings with similar situations in my profession (mental health), I believe he expressed to you the one feeling/emotion he had: disappointment.
No amount of reasoning or explanation will change the fact of the feeling/emotion he experienced due to knowledge that there's no such thing as a "wrong" feeling/emotion.
So, if it were to happen again or if you wish to soften the blow between you, a way of approaching it would be to acknowledge his disappointment first.
By acknowledging it, you are telling him "I understand your disappointment". Some ways to say it would be:
"Yes, brother, I'm disappointed too. I wish my health would allow me to do everything I want."
"You're justified in your disappointment. It's equally as disappointing to me, too."
"It really hurts me that I wasn't able to come to nephew's first communion. I wish things were different."
Statements along these lines are non-combative, non-defensive, & give no resentment vibrations. It's important to respond with love & understanding, as well as voice your own frustration.
I hope this helps dealing with your feelings.
-------------------- Early Disseminated LD- 2010. Currently doing acupuncture and yoga. Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands) ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system. PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm, Chiropractic. Posts: 1013 | From In a van down by the river. | Registered: Jun 2010
| IP: Logged |
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
quote:Originally posted by John S: If I were you, don't tell him. Just continue on. If you tell him, the arrow is shot from the bow, and it doesn't appear that you are ready for that yet.
Just live your life, hard as it may be, and don't put put too much weight on his opinions. Learn to ignore him.
Maybe in the future things will change for the better.
If in the future something makes even this unbearable, then turn around and tell him. Even then, I'd be polite about it.
I already told him, so this is the end. I sent him an e-mail yesterday, and he responded back.
I sent him my article on "The Case For Chronic Infection"
He responded:
Hey Michael,
IT filtered your link. Send it to my home e-mail. How was Italy?
M
I decided to respond and said:
Mark, What is your home e-mail address presently? Italy was a very difficult time unfortunately. I'll tell more in the next e-mail.
- Michael
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
Here is a letter I sent to my brother in 2006. I don't know how much clearer or compassionate I can be.
Hello Mark, In this letter I plan to talk to you about many of the feelings and thoughts I've held about our relationship that were unfortunately too complicated, confusing and upsetting for me to share until now. My hope is you'll understand my sincere intention behind this letter, and that it will open the lines of communication between us for future discussions. I certainly wanted to have the opportunity to sit down with you to have this discussion first but I felt I would be more effective in conveying my thoughts in this format.
Mom has updated me when she could about the transitions in your life. She has been informing me about the growth of the kids, your lives, as well as any discussions you had involving me. I'm sorry that Mom has been the mediator and go-between in our relationship, however until now it was necessary.
The most important thing I can say is that I'm sorry. You are deeply important to me Mark, and while my actions have not reflected that -- it doesn't change that truth. I'm sorry for not having been more involved in your life as well as that of your children over the last 5 + years. Over the last few years I've wanted constantly, prayed constantly, hoped...constantly that I could find the words to tell you how much I loved you, and that I could visit and call more often, but I just was not able to do so. I have been very unwell both mentally and physically as a result of Lyme disease, and this is one among many reasons I've refrained from doing so. This letter's intent is to explain the other reasons why I have not contacted you.
I have felt deeply hurt, resentful and frustrated over the lack of support I received while ill, but recently I have come to an understanding that others too have been hurt greatly and felt these things too. I had felt anger towards you as well as abandoned -- but my anger on this matter was not "because" of you, but rather a broad accumulation of rage against not only family members, but also friends, physicians, and many others who were unaware of what was causing my behavior and illness.
You put forth a great deal of effort to try to contact me over a number of years, which I suppose seems ironic since I just told you I felt abandoned. I will explain how this happened. I did not reciprocate because I was very angry with you Mark. I felt my health problems had been minimized or all together discounted during many discussions we'd had in the past, despite all evidence to the contrary. I was angry and hurt, and I felt abandoned because you had left the area too. We had gone thru hell as kids -- only in different ways. The fact that you were able to leave behind most of it -- including me -- left me feeling deeply resentful. I was frustrated that you were able to go on to lead a life that I considered successful, and I -- even while giving my absolute best -- couldn't even remember my own phone number or name sometimes regardless of the amount of effort and time I spent studying in classes. I tested high on IQ tests, and yet no matter how much I studied I failed tests constantly. It wasn't my studying technique, it wasn't a lack of willingness, laziness, or intelligence -- which were often suggestions people had made; It was an illness.
I wanted to escape this life we'd come from. I believed that success, achievement, and recognition were the only way I could do that. I felt it was the only way I could compensate for what had happened to us in that sick dysfunctional family we had come from. My illness prevented me from following your lead and this left me feeling I had no options. I was unable to cope, so I sought out other outlets.
If I could only achieve "something", I could conceive myself as being worth something, I might hate myself less, or perhaps even receive the attention and recognition I so badly yearned for. I envied you for what I considered having succeeded in acquiring these things, and I was deeply disturbed by the fact that I could not seem to recreate similar results in my own life.
While you succeeded, my health degenerated further. I felt you'd looked back on me -- while I was working myself to death to keep up, literally -- and had contempt for me. I felt condescended to, disrespected, and often insulted when you would talk to me, and as a result I responded by studying harder, developing any and all skills I could -- to "prove" to you, myself and others that I was more than some worthless, weak loser.
When Mom and I would go to dinner to visit at either your home or the Marshall's, often I felt I was being patronized at the dinner table when subjects involving my failures or successes were the topic of discussion. I actually despised going to visit because of this, and yet ironically I loved you all at the same time, and so I pushed to make the effort. The conflict was a dilemma I would hold inside until the writing of this letter. As a result of both my ill health and the way I felt I had been treated; it just served to justify further reasons why I should sever contact between us.
I had priorities, and relationships with anyone I held ill feelings towards, or who were not helping the situation were viewed as the enemy.
Mark I am sorry for not having come forward sooner to tell you all of this. I'm also sorry that I treated you poorly instead of simply telling you this. I didn't feel you'd care one way or the other, that's why I didn't tell you. I felt you both loved me, and hated me at the same time, so what was the point of making the effort when the resulting sum was indifference?
It was brought to my attention shortly after Easter that while mom was visiting you, that the two of you had a discussion. Apparently my name came up - for whatever reason unknown to me - and the result was a heated exchange of feelings you expressed to mom. At this time, I am not exactly sure if what I've heard is truly how you feel, but I have been given the impression that because: I share a relationship with my father, have a teenager living with me and the fact that you believe I am mentally unstable for reasons other than Lyme, that this has lead you to the conclusion that I too must be a pedophile. If this is true, it is an extremely unfortunate assumption. My first reaction to hearing this was of course upset, but quickly I realized that until I heard it from you - I would let it be until I was able to discuss it.
I can't defend such an accusation that would serve to appease you if you already believe (d) that to be true. I can simply tell you that the reason I have forgiven my father is because in my experience he is no longer the monster he once was, and that with the help of professional counseling I worked thru the abuse I witnessed and that which he perpetuated onto me. I won't defend him, but I will tell you that I felt rage and hatred toward him for an extremely long time. He was responsible for what he had done, we were children and we were not responsible. The physical, psychological, and sexual abuse lay at his feet, but the choice to heal and forgive laid at mine. I made that clear to him. When I confronted him with how I felt he acknowledged to me with deep sincerity the remorse he felt; he then explained to me the efforts he had made over the last twenty years and that which he continues to make to this day to further his healing, and to ensure no one else is ever harmed again. I believe he is telling the truth, though through the eyes of a child he damaged, I will forever distrust him to some degree - that's just being rational - though it's true that all my emotional scars have healed.
I can no longer pray at night, knowing that as the days pass, time is always running out here. With each breath, another moment is gone which I can never reclaim. I came extremely close to death on a number of occasions and even still, there were feelings I knew inside but couldn't find the words to express to you, and even if I could, I felt it was better to take it to my grave at the time. I have an opportunity now that I refuse to allow slip by like so many other moments I'd neglected. I do not want pride, resentment, anger or anything else to stand in the way of my love for you any longer. Yesterday is dead and over and I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down. You're my blood, and no matter what the result of this letter, that fact remains eternal, that bridge will always remain.
I've been in therapy with the same specialist for well over a decade now, and since my health has improved significantly within the last 12 months, I am now capable of telling you the truth with full cognition and responsibility. While I may have felt the way I did, it doesn't matter anymore. Whatever ill feelings I've held, I am letting go of. I know who I am, I don't need anyone's approval now in order to lead an enjoyable, high quality life, and as a result I am free now to tell you this. This is my truth, and I make no apology for how I feel -- but I do apologize for my behavior and reactions.
Your Brother, Michael
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
quote:Originally posted by arkiehinny: In my humble opinion, based on my observation & dealings with similar situations in my profession (mental health), I believe he expressed to you the one feeling/emotion he had: disappointment.
No amount of reasoning or explanation will change the fact of the feeling/emotion he experienced due to knowledge that there's no such thing as a "wrong" feeling/emotion.
So, if it were to happen again or if you wish to soften the blow between you, a way of approaching it would be to acknowledge his disappointment first.
By acknowledging it, you are telling him "I understand your disappointment". Some ways to say it would be:
"Yes, brother, I'm disappointed too. I wish my health would allow me to do everything I want."
"You're justified in your disappointment. It's equally as disappointing to me, too."
"It really hurts me that I wasn't able to come to nephew's first communion. I wish things were different."
Statements along these lines are non-combative, non-defensive, & give no resentment vibrations. It's important to respond with love & understanding, as well as voice your own frustration.
I hope this helps dealing with your feelings. [/QB]
Please keep the door OPEN.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
17hens
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23747
posted
That's a great letter you sent him, MB. Very heartfelt and honest. Thanks for sharing it with us.
-------------------- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
bit 4/09, diagnosed 1/10 Posts: 3043 | From PA | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
Thank you 17. Now the problem is, I've continued to behave that way and show the same respect all this time.
The result is always the same.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
posted
Right .. you can't change him and he can't change you.. nor should either of you try to.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
Tricky Tickey
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26546
posted
Metallic: That letter was very heart-felt. I can tell you've done a lot of work over the years to overcome the past. Good for you!!
If you were ever lacking in ability in the past, you sure as heck aren't lacking now!!!!!!
Your research & paper are a prime example of your intelligence, as well as your articulate expression here in the forums.
My friend, I admire you for your boldness & willingness to fight for what you believe in!
-------------------- Early Disseminated LD- 2010. Currently doing acupuncture and yoga. Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands) ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system. PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm, Chiropractic. Posts: 1013 | From In a van down by the river. | Registered: Jun 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
A very well thought out an eloquent letter. Straight from the heart. Unfortunately i believe there are simply some people who are so hardened that its almost impossible to get through. My brother is one of those. He hasnt spoken to me for 7 years for a reason similar to yours. And sometimes we beat our heads against a brick wall for so long that we miss it when we stop. Im sorry for your pain regarding this situation.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
as it turns out, you didn't attend the communion and the expectations you had of a comfortable trip were trashed anyway ...
i've made similar decisions and have had similar results which left me feeling that i should have just gone ahead and attended a function or just do whatever i was invited to do or had planned and just deal with however it turns out-
like yourself, i can at times be a stickler for wanting to keep my ducks in a row instead of just going with flow- in other words, be rigid or not flexible -- and expect to be understood for the reasons i present for not bending ...
then after i do what i decide, always to my surprise, find i've upset someone- someone like myself ... who also likes their ducks in a row ...
and when two personalities like this collide, both turn out looking like the selfish bad guy-
Posts: 94 | From shaker heights, ohio | Registered: May 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Mike, I've taken some excerpts from your posts ~just the facts~ to play devil's advocate here for a while.
I want you to know I think you're in a tough spot with this. My husband has similar issues with his brother (as far as getting along) and it can be very destructive to other family members like my children and their parents.
quote:I was informed of what he said by others who attended .
quote:I'm an extremely brilliant and intelligent communicator
Well, it's obvious from your posts here and other places that you are adept at communicating what you need others to know. However, when we allow our emotions to get in the way, we make poor choices about the timing and the content of our conversations.
quote:I called him later expressing my unhappiness about his comments .
quote:He refused to acknowledge my reasoning when I called.
You chose to confront him on the evening of his son's First Holy Communion party. As a parent, at the end of a day like that I know that I'd be so wiped out physically and mentally that I would resent such a confrontation.
quote:The very thing I feared is exactly what took place. The enormous stress that my mother and brother put out there created such a strong reverberation that my trip was not only brutal, but I had two massive Crohn's Disease flare-ups that left me bedridden for about a month.
Firstly, that is terrible that you suffered so! And please realize I am just being a "devil's advocate" here. Again, you didn't have to call him and exacerbate the situation. He was disappointed. You were disappointed too.
~ The whole thing sucks, we all make these choices every time there's a family function. But sometimes we can contribute to our stress by insisting that others recognize our reality when sometimes we should just let it be. ~
And, finally
quote:If I do cut him off, what is -- in your opinions -- the best way to communicate that in order to decrease the fall out to it's minimum?
Why do you have to communicate that to him? Can't you just take it one day at a time and see where the road leads?
quote:Now remember, I have two nephews who are caught in the cross fire.
I think you're just exaggerating here, but I have to say it. Children should never, ever be "caught in the crossfire" of adults' inability to play nicely together in the sandbox!!! Illness of any kind is no excuse.
There's no reason for them to be in the middle of anything.
[ 09-10-2010, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: carly ]
Posts: 797 | From New York | Registered: Feb 2008
| IP: Logged |
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
i have mixed feelings about this. i understand where you are coming from completely.
i went through a great deal of anguish and pain after my mother died with one of my sisters.
it's been two years and i haven't spoken to her and don't plan on it.
there was nothing i could do to change her mind. and my one sister agreed for me to try and contact her would only exerbate the problem and make it more difficult for those living around her.
she needed somebody to blame for mom's death and her actions and because i didn't live there, she blamed me.
i hate to let her go. even tho i am going to be there for 3 weeks, i am not going to see her. and she has said that if i show up at any functions she will make a horrible scene, ruining it for everyone, and take her family and leave.
some people thrive on creating havoc and pain.
so please, take this with a grain of salt, you have done all you can. if he is open to communication, and it doesn't sound he is from the "my way or the highway", then let go.
anyway who can cut off their family, which he has done, deserves what they get.
it has been much less stressful for me and my family since we don't see or talk to each other.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
I'm very frustrated with this situation. I'm going to do nothing for now. That's what my girlfriend recommended. She usually knows what she's talking about, so, **** it.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
Be sure and read all the comments too. You may need to click on "more" at the end of the comment section.
This explains how a person's experiences as a child may make him inflexible as an adult. They are talking about couples in a relationship, but it helps to explain sibling's relationships also.
Carol
Posts: 6956 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
Carol, I read the article and comments. Thank you for posting that information. It reinforced what I already know. My brother is that "wounded" unhealthy individual. I knew that.
Being around him isn't safe because he'll deny my reality to the point of disrespecting me in front of strangers, which he did. He'll admit to understanding, and then he'll turn his back for whatever reasons he has.
There was no trust here to begin with given his decisions in the past. Based on the article, I can say "Well, he isn't wrong -- but his behavior towards me and his ideas sure didn't serve me or help me survive, in-fact it did the opposite."
Ongoing denial of my situation is threatening. I previously thought we'd moved past it. We clearly haven't, and we won't until he admits that my world is just as valid and real.
Why would I carry on a relationship with someone who refuses or is incapable of understanding a debilitating health condition this currently defining me?
It's just not worth it. To even dialogue doesn't make sense at this point. Thank you Carole. I did my best.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic