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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » My wife wants a divorce

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Author Topic: My wife wants a divorce
fatherguido
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This sucks.

I am starting to return to a somewhat normal life on this screwed up disease and she decides she had enough. Never in my life have I needed her support more than now and she decides to bail. Took the kids AND dogs when I was at work. How messed up is that? At least she left me the cat.

Treating this disease has put a strain on us financially and she refused to go back to work full time. She has also lied about her credit card balances for the past two years so I have no idea how bad that can o' worms has become.

I guess with her being an only child, she got her way and always had somebody to bail her out whether it was her parents or me.

Sorry to vent but I need to resist throwing all her possessions into the front yard....

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Liz D
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sorry and hugsssss
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Lymetoo
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Boy, that was really mean and childish. She could have at least talked to you about it.... Chicken...

I imagine you'll miss the dogs and kids way before missing HER.

[group hug] [group hug] [group hug]

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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fatherguido
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I am not myself from this disease (who really is when sick) but I have always put my family's interest above mine. I go to work every day regardless of how bad I feel and have never cheated.

She will not discuss the possibility of working this out and has already started looking for an apartment and set up counseling for the kids. I miss the kids (16 & 9). She comes to the house when I am at work and cleans out her stuff one car load at a time. She is a chicken.

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skies
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quote:
Originally posted by Lymetoo:
Boy, that was really mean and childish. She could have at least talked to you about it.... Chicken...

I imagine you'll miss the dogs and kids way before missing HER.

[group hug] [group hug] [group hug]

I agree. Cowardly.

Best of luck to you. Hang in there! [group hug]

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"The simple things can get you through the hardest times."  -

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Lymetoo
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How is she going to pay for all this?

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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norcal
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I am so sorry Brother,prayers for you.
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kidsgotlyme
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I'm so sorry for you and the children. [group hug]

--------------------
symptoms since 1993 that I can remember. 9/2018 diagnosed with Borellia, Babesia Duncani, and Bartonella Hensalae thru DNA Connections.

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fatherguido
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quote:
Originally posted by Lymetoo:
How is she going to pay for all this?

Good question but ultimately, you already know the answer.
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Lymetoo
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Dang.. I was afraid of that. [shake]

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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just don
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when my then wife got on a mad,,,they came regularly,,,she would go shopping and spend vast sums on stuff we really didnt need but she wanted.

I would ask how that was getting paid for. Standard response was "I will take care of it". Being she was working, I believed,

Well as time goes on I came to KNOW what that really meant. It meant she bought it,,,I pay for it!!!

Sorry for your probs Father,,,seems she is reverting back to her childhood ways!!! BTDT unfortunately!!!

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just don

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kam
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Ouch. [group hug]
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scorpiogirl
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Wow I'm so sorry to hear that!! I'm speechless! So sorry!

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 -

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HopesAlive
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I am so sorry to hear this.

This disease has caused so much heartache with families.

I hope you will be able to see your children on a regular basis. Put your all into them now.

So sorry. [Frown]

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Best Wishes,

Hope

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

~~The Shawshank Redemption~~

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BoxerMom
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OMGosh! Awful behavior. Hurtful. Selfish. Immature. Shall I go on?

If this is her stance on marriage, let her go. When you are ready, you will find someone who loves and appreciates you.

Can you get the dogs back? When my husband and I tell the dogs that we are going to end up living in a tent, they just grin and grin. Dogs are IN IT with you, and they totally have your back.

You could pick out a shelter buddy. (I don't know how anyone goes through Lyme without a dog.)

I hope this works out for the kids, and that you get to share custody.

DO NOT blame yourself.

Much love,
BoxerMom

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 - Must...find...BRAIN!!!

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John S
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It isn't easy. My wife didn't even visit me in the hospital when I became ill and I was there for five days. I didn't know the doctor would admit me and then she was upset that she wasn't consulted beforehand. She insisted that I knew before I went.

I have never forgiven her.

[ 07-01-2011, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: John S ]

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kam
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I like the idea of focusing on taking the higher road and being a good dad with the kids and getting a dog for yourself.

Easy advice for someone not going through what you are going through.

but, guessing the rest will work itself out.

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scorpiogirl
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quote:
Originally posted by John S:
It isn't easy. My wife didn't even visit me in the hospital when I became ill and was there for five days. I didn't know the doctor would admit me and then she was upset she that wasn't consulted beforehand. She insisted that I knew before I went.

I have never forgiven her.

What kind of women are you men married to?? Who WANTS to be hospitalized to even planned it? Why do you need her permission to be sick?? That is the most unreasonable thing I have ever heard! Five days and she didn't visit you? Sheesh I would kick her to the curb!

It makes me so upset to hear that... men there are wonderful loving, nurturing women out there! Don't tolerate these behaviors, it's abusive!

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 -

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payne
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will pray for you to find your self worth and be on your own rock with Jesus..
you need to establish who you really are again, and be glad in it.. be warned though, I got off track with my (17 years) of being married and took for grandite the wonder woman in my life.
we lost our trust and now 15 yrs later we love each other, without speaking it, she has remarried a wonderfull man and i am happy for her,
i will never love another like that again.
well, maybe the Lord Will may change my heart
and guide yours to a new love, your children would be a wonderful restart.

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TULAREMIA/rabbit fever ?

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nefferdun
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It is hard to get motivated when you are depressed and sick but a good attorney will take care of you. Your children will benefit from this as well. It shows your strength and love. The least that you should accept is joint custody with your x-wife responsible for herself and the kids (when they are with her).

So sorry. It is amazing how cold and selfish some people can be. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself as though you have no right to be sick and need someone's love and concern - and don't give up ( it is not the high road). Fight.

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old joke: idiopathic means the patient is pathological and the the doctor is an idiot

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TxCoord
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I thank God every day for my wonder wife who has been through you-know-what these last 20 months taking care of me, sitting with me through innumerable appointments, fixing all the meals, helping me with my daily hygiene and my general complaining.

God keep you Fatherguido and guide you in this time.

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I have a good time wherever I go!

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Robin123
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What a coward, leaving without discussion. I like that you said you've put your fanily first, have gone to work everyday with this affliction and never cheated.

Something tells me you are more ethical than she is, and that in time, you deserve a partner who is as ethical and fair as you are. It hurts now, but maybe in the long run, you will find a better partner.

I suggest you take the high road - sounds like you know how to make fair choices, and you can still be a good role model for your kids, if you can work out seeing them, which I hope you can. Hang in there!

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John S
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quote:
Originally posted by scorpiogirl:
quote:
Originally posted by John S:
It isn't easy. My wife didn't even visit me in the hospital when I became ill and was there for five days. I didn't know the doctor would admit me and then she was upset she that wasn't consulted beforehand. She insisted that I knew before I went.

I have never forgiven her.

What kind of women are you men married to?? Who WANTS to be hospitalized to even planned it? Why do you need her permission to be sick?? That is the most unreasonable thing I have ever heard! Five days and she didn't visit you? Sheesh I would kick her to the curb!

It makes me so upset to hear that... men there are wonderful loving, nurturing women out there! Don't tolerate these behaviors, it's abusive!

Well there is the kids. I was quite surprised. And she isn't always insane.
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philly78
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Wow. I'm so sorry to hear this. What a difficult thing to go through on top of being sick with lyme.

I'm with scorpiogirl! There are many loving, nurturing women out there and no one deserves to be treated like they are "beneath the other person".

This is not a disease for the faint at heart. It can be very challenging at times, and mess up our lives in so many ways.

I agree with the poster who said to take the high road. Be a good father to the kids. Do what you have to do to beat this darn disease! Try to stay positive. I know...MUCH easier said than done!

Look at this as a learning experience. Things do happen for a reason and no matter how bad the situation at hand seems, you (we really) can make it through to the other side.

It is easier to learn life's lessons in good times more so than bad. But in order for us to appreciate and learn from those good times, we must, unfortunately, experience the bad.

Life is tough sometimes, but remember....tough times like this don't last, but tough people do! You will make it through and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

--------------------
When faced with pain you have two choices....either quit and accept the circumstances, OR make the decision to fight with all the resources you have at your disposal.

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map1131
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My now adult(?) 32 yr old daughter was an only child, not by choice. I should have adopted 3-4 brothers for her.

She is the most selfous person I know. I didn't go wrong raising her, believe I tried. Poor child got some family bad genes.

I tried when she was 16-18 yrs old to get her help. She is an adult now(?) and I've realized she never grew mature wise past the mentality of 18 yr old.

I even offered to pay for mental health problems 4 years ago when she left her husband and her children for days. She started going to psych and they named the illness.

She started taking samples of meds to see how they effected/helped her. Just like a child you would have to say "did you take your meds?".

When I found out she was drinking beer on regular bases...I stopped paying for mental health period. Done.

Her mental/physical issues are all hers.

Father, reading your posts reminds me of my daughter

Pam

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"Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill

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nefferdun
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Taking the high road does not mean being a door mat. I have been through years of Al-Anon and you are not doing anyone any favors accommodating abuse. You don't have to be vindictive or revengeful but you do need to stand up for yourself and for your children.

The high road is setting boundaries and not tolerating the intolerable. It is about initiating the change within yourself that stops the pattern of abuse; that begins with self respect. If you give up on yourself, you are giving up on your children and teaching them they don't matter either. You cannot be there for them if you are not there for yourself first. You are a good person and they are better off having you with them on a permanent basis - not just when your x-wife permits.

If this disease has taught me anything it is that I have to be my own advocate, stand up for myself and take care of myself. Do for yourself what you would do for those you love the most because it is the same.

Look at the user name you chose. Being a father is important to you.

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old joke: idiopathic means the patient is pathological and the the doctor is an idiot

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John S
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Let's face it, dealing with Chronic Illness isn't easy and dealing with one that brings derision and is unsupported by the sytem is twenty times harder.

All I can say is try to stay positive, even though that is an impossibilty sometimes under our circumstances.

I usually hang in there for my children.

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map1131
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Why take anit-depressant and then drink depressants. People like that just don't get it.

Father, it is all about you and taking care of you so you can take care and provide for the children.

Ex will need to get a job and work her rear end off to make ends meet. She doesn't get a free ride. Don't let her ride you.

Parents are equal partners as providers. You are ill and under treatment, so again please realize how harmful this stressor can be on you.

She also can't leave YOU with all her debt. She is in for rude awakening. Make sure all accounts are closed that your name is on it.

If you don't listen to Dave Ramsey, start. If you haven't read his books, start. Go to his web site and look up information that pertains to you and your situation. You can get advice for free(or about free) on this very situation you are about to enter.

Protest you and children. Yeah, I see a judge telling her real quick-Lady get a job, your husband is not your life support anymore.

You can share children and child support. The bills are half hers too. Especially if you can prove she had set up accounts without you or faked you signature.

Might need to sell some things. They're just things. House, to clean up debts. Apartments can be a home too. A home is not a house. Home rentals are very abundant today.

So with kids it might be nice to have a house rental. But you can come out of this okay.

If she has a car and there's financing on it, she's going to need to sell or take over payments?

Best to you and children, father!!!!!!!!

Pam

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"Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill

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randibear
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what a bunch of crap!! she's not worth grieving over, believe me.

also legally, she has DESERTED YOU!!! that was HER mistake. yes, desertion, can be your defense.

get yourself a new dog from the pound. one who's grateful and will be YOUR companion. no memories attached.

and get yourself a good lawyer.

also if she has charged stuff in HER name only, like credit cards or something, those are HER bills not yours. so make sure what your name is on.

change the locks to the house or apartment. since she deserted you, she is trespassing.

start protecting yourself hon. it's going to get nasty.

when my first husband left me and got some other guy's wife pregnant, i had to learn real fast. but i had an excellent lawyer so they're not all bad.

if you want any tips, let me know.

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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payne
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Good words from Good Folks here,
everyone's divorce is diferent,
as everyone's marriage was..
fatherguide, you are the only one that has to sleep with this the rest of you life.
I would suggest silence is Golden,
If you have given up, be quiet in your words,
But, strong in action. pay for a top lawyer now, even if you can't afford it, it will pay in the end.
Hope you well health and a restful heart.
if you ever need friends you got some great ones here...
anyone ever think of a dating post for just lyme folks... supporting each other in love and lyme.  -

--------------------
TULAREMIA/rabbit fever ?

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Fuel1212
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Father.. very sorry to hear. I will be praying for you. If you are spiritual put your faith in God. If you are not spiritual, please don't take offense this is my foundation.

Love the idea of a true companion from the pound. I think that would really help.

I am pretty young 35 and was an only child. My parents made me earn everything I got whether it be by good grades or hard work. My guess is she is very much brainwashed into today's society.

It is all about feeling good now, no matter what the cost. I want it, I need it. Most TV shows glamorize cheating and that lifestyle, and how you deserve better, no matter how good you already have it.

Well, I could go on and on but I know I am preaching to the choir.

All I can say is sorry and that everything happens for a reason.

Last, I like what Neffer said about not rolling over. It is about what is best for the children and do you want a woman like that with those morals and ethics raising your precious children? Behind the scenes I would come full force.

Blessings
Fuel

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IgM- 31,34,39,83-93 IND
IgM- 41+

IgG- 31,34,39,83-93 IND
IgG- 41++

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fatherguido
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Wow. A lot of different perspectives.

Just to be clear, I am not giving up on anything. This includes Lyme, my kids, career, my hobbies, or even this marriage. No papers have been served (yet) so this is still up in the air if I am reading her correctly.

The wife and I had a good civil discussion yesterday (in person) and she is torn about a lot of things, from my erratic behavior (mostly mood swings and depersonalization) since contracting this disease to her own insecurities and doubts (and she is confused).

She says her biggest fear is losing me as friend if we divorce. I guarantee that will happen. If she wants to uproot our lives and financially wipe me out, we cannot be friends going forward. I believe she is giving up too easily and blowing petty stuff out of proportion. She is also underestimating the difficult road ahead of her, both financially, physically and emotionally.

She is not a bad person but she is not a saint either. Everyone has flaws and I do as well. I do not want this divorce but she thinks I am unhappy with marriage. Perhaps it is her way to justify walking out.

I was pretty angry when starting this post and am now past that stage. Nothing is set in stone yet and know that worrying about this nonsense will only wear me down. "I will survive" to quote some crappy disco song.

I work with a former Lymie who kicked this disease and his marriage also fell apart in the process. He is back on his feet now both physically and emotionally. I have listened to his advice and believe my head is in the right place.

Thanks for all the input from the aforementioned posts. I get a chuckle from some of them and appreciate your prayers. Feel free to keep this thread going.

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fatherguido
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Just to answer some of the questions brought up in posts....

Yes, I am spiritual and take absolutely no offense in discussing religion.

I have already changed the locks during my angry stage. I also unfriended my wife on Facebook!

I still have the cat who I like better than the dogs. My apologies to all the canine lovers.

I rely on my sister and mom a lot.

I am fairly educated in basic law and have a lawyer as one of my best friends. I am already taking steps to protect myself financially.

I got the nick name Father Guido during my fraternity days. Don't ask how....

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map1131
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Here's to the best for you and your children. Peace be with you.

Pam

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"Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill

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BoxerMom
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I loved Father Guido Sarducci!

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 - Must...find...BRAIN!!!

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nefferdun
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I wondered after my post if perhaps you might be exhibiting some bart irritation/detachement or babesia depression/apathy.

It is hard to live with us sometimes and we have to do our best to control our erratic emotions. An apology helps.

Best of luck. I hope things work out.

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old joke: idiopathic means the patient is pathological and the the doctor is an idiot

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kam
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Glad you posted back. I wondered how you were doing.
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map1131
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Carol thanks for the visual. I always like to put a face with the person I'm posting too?

[bonk] [bonk]

I'm a very visual person.

Pam

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"Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill

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tickalert
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I'm sorry however, I've been thorugh a divorce from an awful ex husband and 5 years later I'm so much better off.

I don't know what state you reside in but your wife can't take the kids away. Seek legal advice immediately.

Even if you've had a conversation and she's not sure when your married to someone you certainly don't take the kids and leave without telling the other person.

PROTECT your self!!

Don't most marriage vows that people take say for better or worse???

If she can't support you through a chronic illness, she's not worth keeping around.

I remarried a wonderful man almost two years ago. By the way he was an only child. It was always all about him.

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climber
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I am sorry. Try to remind yourself that you are a wonderful father.
climber

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Elaine G
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This is a difficult disease for you BUT it is also difficult for a spouse if they don't have it. They feel helpless, they don't know what to do. They can't heal you.

Do what is in your heart.

My thoughts are with you.

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map1131
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Thanks Opti for that list of reading.

Pam

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"Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill

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sick
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Nobody and I repeat nobody would take my dog.

sick

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fatherguido
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It has been eight weeks since this post and wanted to give everyone an update. I am still getting divorced but this is a good thing. My soon to be ex wife and I have kept it very civil and we talk almost daily.

After I accepted the fact she was not returning, something unexpected happened. You would think your stress level would go up but the opposite occurred, it went down.

I was pretty shaken up at first but realized it was from the thought of getting wiped out financially and not from the split. Her intent was to be more independent but she wanted to keep the lawyers out of it and stay out of custody and divorce court. She accepted my offer of spousal and child support which is considerably less than what she will get in court. I get to keep my 401K and the house.

She got an apartment but obviously needs support to make it on her own. She has to get a full time job and I am giving her 17 months to get on her feet. After that, her support drops significantly.

Her lawyer asked for full custody but that was never an option in my world (he is not a very good lawyer and I hired a pitbull for a lawyer). One reason she asked me to keep the house was so the kids would not have to get adjusted to two new homes. She obviously has issues but we actually get along better now than when we were married. Go figure.

I also got the dog back that does not shed. She can keep the other one. I was tired of sweeping up fur balls anyway.

I keep thinking back to what my LLMD said on my first visit, get a good night of sleep daily and remove the stress from your life. Truth is, I feel better, lost 20 pounds, and have more energy. The negativity is gone and I literally feel like I was just parroled from prison! I have also started dating again and wonder if I should have done this years ago.

My mom was in Europe the past two months and I just broke the news to her last weekend. She was elated! My kids have said they have not seen me this happy in a long time.

Thanks for all the support and positive thoughts. Life is good!


Guido

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Lymetoo
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That's AWESOME, guido!!!!!!! [hi]

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--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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James1979
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Awesome, Guido!! [Smile]

There was another recent similar thread where the OP was complaining about being single, and I was like "whatever, man, most of my married friends are miserable!" I wish that guy would read this thread and learn.

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BleedGreen
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I think the statistic is 60% of marriages in the US end in divorce.

I don't get what people dont understand about the promise and commitment they are making, I don't know if they don't take it seriously or they lack the maturity at any stage of their life when they make the promise.

It's not just the promise to their spouse, but a promise to God (if you had a religious ceremony) and to the courts. It is an emotional, spiritual, and legal contract.

1. In good times and bad
2. In sickness and health
3. For rich or poor

Those may not be the vows exactly, or all of them. Those are three that I see consistently used as an excuse to lie, cheat, and/or divorce.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, both the state of your health and your marriage. If you are willing to work it out and she is not you're better off without her. The worst part of the whole thing is the damage divorce causes to the innocent third party who has no control over what happens.

She could at least wait until you are in a better state of health before she pulls this kind of childish behavior.

Some people believe everything happens for a reason and so on, I believe you can take something positive out of almost any situation or at least live with it in a positive way.

Remain strong, at least your children are healthy and you might recover better if she was causing you an amount of stress while you were living together.

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James1979
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I think the Western media has a lot to do with failed marriages. People think marriages are supposed to be all lovey-dovey like they see in the movies. They don't realize that it's a very difficult lifelong struggle.

Plus women are just kinda messed up in general, and it's hard to live with them. [Big Grin]

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randibear
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Be sure you close all credit cards and accounts.

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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jackie51
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She could be sick too and just doesn't know it. Lyme can change personalities, as most of us know. Many times I wanted to get a new life because I didn't understand the one I was in.

Glad to see you are getting better.

James--skating on thin ice today. [lol]

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Lymetoo
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James.. you are so mean! [Wink]

If God is not at the center of a marriage, it will be very difficult to sustain. That does NOT mean that those who have God in their lives have a free pass on pain and discontent! Not so at all.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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James1979
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Tutu - I agree, but I think the problem is that most of us don't have God at the center of our lives... even some of us who would claim that He is.

Most guys look for the prettiest girl that they can attain. That's unfortunate, because usually the prettier ones are more troublesome. They have a higher chance of leaving you, and a higher chance of cheating on you. Plus you'd always have to be worried that other guys are flirting with her. Dang, that would be annoying. Plus you don't know what she's doing on Facebook behind your back...

I would only marry a pretty girl if she was super religious. Then I would make sure she always dressed modestly, like a Muslim or something. It would be awesome if she could keep her face covered up in public... at least until she's past her prime.

But if I was going to get married, I'd definitely want to marry a religious chubby girl with a good personality. You can't get better than that, IMO.

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randibear
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what?????

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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Lymetoo
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quote:
Originally posted by James1979:
that most of us don't have God at the center of our lives... even some of us who would claim that He is.


Very true.

I hope you're kidding about the covering up!!

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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James1979
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I was mostly joking about the covering-up part, but I do think the practice has some virtues. Too bad a thing like that would never happen in the US.

At least if married girls could dress modestly, that would be nice - especially if they are attractive. Why in the world would they want to dress extra sexy if they are already attractive anyway? Do they want other guys to look at them? Do their husbands want other guys to drool over the wife? Are they trying to scandalize other guys by making them lust over a married woman?

Those things I don't understand.

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Lymetoo
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They just want to look nice. Today's style of dress is pretty "out there." I personally am glad I grew up in a more modest era.

I'm sure young girls feel pressured by society to look sexy. It's all they've ever known... it's all over TV, etc. It's really not necessary to dress that way.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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James1979
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EXACTLY, Tutu!! [Smile]

That's why I mentioned in a previous post that I think Western media has caused problems with marriages.

Dang, even the "religious" girls dress like prostitutes today. And their mothers, too!

*sigh*, what can you do.

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tickalert
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James...too funny. At oure Church any thing goes and I mean any thing.

I grew up in a very concervative Baptist church. I can't get past some of the young girls walking in wearing short shorts.

What ever happened to Sunday church wear?

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randibear
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I too was raised very conservative. I do not understand wearing pajamas and no undergarments in public. Oh well but I want to add a word of caution about jumping out there And dating so soon. You may think you Are ok and can handle it but believe me you can't. Times have changed and you need to learn to enjoy being yourself first and feeling comfortable with being alone.' dating should be the last thing on your mind. Also it's too early to start bringing other women around your kids. All I am saying is to take it slow and do not rush or you'll end up in
Another mess.

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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fatherguido
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With all due respect Randi, I believe my head is in the right place. I am not bringing another woman around my kids but I also need to move on with my life. It will be a gradual process by not rushing into anything. My overall well being is much better and that has been absent for a long time.
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randibear
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no offense meant it's just better to be safe than sorry. I have seen too many friends end up in play misty for me type of relations. I didn't date for about two years after my divorce

[ 08-27-2011, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: randibear ]

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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Tricky Tickey
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It's always sad to see a marriage fall apart. I certainly understand. You do what you feel is right for your particular situation. What's good for one is not necessarily good for another. Heck, I'm moving in with my Dad temporarily to help keep an eye on him since his dementia is getting worse.

My spouse has been miserable the last few months so this will give him a break from me. No plans to divorce, just doing what's best for all. It's not comfortable nor do I really want to do this, but it's the best alternative for a situation that needs change.

I'm glad you are getting on your feet and pray you make a peaceful transmission.

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Early Disseminated LD- 2010.
Currently doing acupuncture and yoga.
Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands)
ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system.
PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm,
Chiropractic.

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randibear
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well i was the dumpee not the dumpor and that makes a big difference. plus i had absolutely no clue what was going on, none...

just wish you the best.

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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