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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » jealous of healthy people

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Author Topic: jealous of healthy people
chastain
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hi everyone.. i hope i dont seem callous here, but has anyone felt themselves feel insanely jealous of the healthy people around them? i have been so incredibly sick lately, and yesterday i went out for the firs ttime in days and ran into an old family friend.

this was someone who overcame some serious physical illnesses in the past few years. she looked and felt great,s he told me and i was literally shaking and sweating just trying not to vomit or pass out from my vertigo and i looked at her and i thought-why do YOU get to be happy and healthy and i dont?

i know this is not christian of me and i pray to God to take my envy away, but anyone that is healthy, i am so freakin' jealous of, painfully so. i think i feel it so intensely because i do everything that the drs say to do, and i still get zero relief. anyway-please tell me i am not alone here. i feel like such a bad person! love, jess

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Giapetto
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I seldom really ENVY them, but I do find myself watching people dance, or lift weights or do acrobatics and thinking, "Well, now, there's someone who never had Lyme".

If the first doctor, and the second doctor, etc, who mis-diagnosed me and chose not to treat have not had lyme, I envy THEM.

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searching4truth
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I have most definitely felt like that. And I am quite certain most of the people on Lymenet have also, to varying degrees.

I have started a new practice. And I call it that because it IS practicing. At first it seemed quite ungenuine. It felt as though I was being phony, but I kept working at it, and now it just happens. I no longer have to force it.

So, everytime I felt jealous of someone who was able to do things that I cannot, instead of focusing on the fact that I cannot do the same event, I gave thanks that this person could do it. I kind of took myself out of the equation.

And now, when I hear of someone being able to do something I cannot, I actually feel joy. Joy for this person that they get to experience a wonderful party or wedding or whatever. I am housebound most of the time, so there is a LOT that I cannot do.

For me, I would get jealous of my husband, and then I found myself resenting my kids, to be completely honest.

When I realized that was when I realized something had to change inside of myself. I cannot change the fact that I am sick, aside from doing what my doctor tells me to.

But I CAN change my perception of my illness. I CAN change how I feel about it, and I will tell you that this shift in thinking for me has completely changed the scope of my illness. I am not suffering quite like I used to be. I am still very sick, but it is just different.

I am reading a book called "How To Be Sick" and it is a must read for anyone with a chronic illness.

Because of the things the author talks about, my entire perspective of my illness has changed, for the better.

She says that the suffering we feel from illness is not from the actual illness, but from our perception of it. When we are sick in bed, and everyone else is having fun, we say "it is so awful to be sick in bed."

Pretty but in reality, being sick in bed is not what is causing our suffering. Our suffering comes from hating the fact we are sick in bed. So if we can change our perception of being sick in bed, we can alleviate alot of our suffering.

I hope that makes sense. I am not a writer, so the author does a much better job of explaining it. But my book is downstairs, and it might as well be in south africa, because it seems like such a long layaway to me right now. I am sure you all know the feeling.

Anyways, if you are truly suffering from your illness, this book might have a lot of mind candy for you. And without the sugar!

...............................................

(breaking up the post for easier reading for many here)

[ 04-20-2016, 03:35 AM: Message edited by: Robin123 ]

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jlp38
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Chastain - I don't know if what I feel is envy. I guess it is.

I have basically gotten to where I have very little sympathy for anyone else and what they are going through.

I feel deep deep sympathy for the ladies here who've lost their husbands, to the people who've lost children or who have sick children, but thats about it.

People who complain about a backache or a migraine. It's hard to really sympathize even though those things can be really painful.

And then there are the people who complain about how many hours they are working, the fact that they are constantly driving their kids from one activity too the next, or that they have too much laundry.

It makes me want to scream at them. They can't possibly imagine what I would give to go to work, to drive my kids somewhere, to just do a freakin' load do laundry.

I hate having this attitude towards people. I'm gonna try Searching's method. It sounds like a good one.

..............................................

(breaking up the post for easier reading for many here)

[ 04-20-2016, 03:37 AM: Message edited by: Robin123 ]

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chastain
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searching-your whole approach to coping with these emotions is inspired snd i think i am going to have to order the book you mentioned. i love to read and it sounds truly illuminating.. thanks
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nonna05
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yep!! not sure if it's the same..Jealous of the action ,not the person..

You have know Idea how many people ,of the few I still talk to, or strangers on phone about bills., ins, doc whatever..I might apologize cause sometimes I have to gasp for air .or cry or whatever,,,

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nonna05
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yep!! not sure if it's the same..Jealous of the action ,not the person..

You have know Idea how many people ,of the few I still talk to, or strangers on phone about bills., ins, doc whatever..

I might apologize cause sometimes I have to gasp for air .or cry or whatever,,,anyway by the time we get done talking , usually short cause feel lousy,

I've said thank god for your health, or take good care of yourself,for real, cause you never know.

It's like I'm trying to help them pay attention. And if it's a prayer line, of course we pray for healing... O some times say "I take 33% now" then lets work on the next...


Just getting some relief ,or to feel like you've done something of value or worth. for someone else..

I know hard to read and spelling sucks, but it's what I can do for now. I also ask God to help forgive others, like doc,s. or people that have harmed me [shake] [sleepy] [Wink]

...........................................

(breaking up the post for easier reading for many here)

[ 04-20-2016, 03:38 AM: Message edited by: Robin123 ]

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lymeladyinNY
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My cousin runs a lot - I mean, 20 miles a day! And she's a teacher and the mother of triplets!! She's always facebooking about her gratitude for having beautiful, healthy children, what a beautiful run she had at the park, etc. It makes me want to vomit with jealousy!

I'm so sick right now I fear dying in my sleep! This after 9 years of treatment and many hopes and dreams lost. I STILL haven't accepted this as graciously as I'd like. Trying, though!!

--------------------
I want to be free

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mom2kids
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My journey started with "The Power Of Now" and "A New Earth", "How to Be Sick" is on my list too. I decided I didn't want to spend my life mad, jealous or depressed and so I made the decision to change.

Everybody is different though and deal with things in their own way.

--------------------
Down on her knees, she wept on the floor.
This hopeless life, she wanted no more.
Dead in the mind and cold to the bone,
She opened her eyes and saw she was alone. ~Seether

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searching4truth
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LymeLadyinNY, I always get jealous when I am on facebook too. It seems to be the friends who are still able to travel and the friends who have a great career who set me off. When I found myself in tears over it that I decided I have to limit my facebook time. I just don't go there, and I feel better about where I am right now.

I am not by any terms telling you what you need to do. I am just saying I feel the exact same way when I am on facebook.

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Shidove
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Yup.

I took a lonnnng time off of FaceBook and that helped me. I also had to do something similar about feeling joy for the others. I just remembered what life WAS like and I know that these people have NO IDEA what life is like for me.

So, I step outside my pain (or try to) and try to see life from their eyes. That way I can "feel" happy for them. It doesn't always work, and I get soo tired of trying to be positive sometimes. But, I don't want to add to my pain.

When someone is telling me something, rather complaining about something in their life, I TRY to listen. Most of the time I feel instant anger because it's as if they're complaining about stupid stuff and why can't they be happy for everything else they have?

THEN I think, "Wait, I'm doing pretty well compared to where I was. There are people doing MUCH worse than I. What am I complaining about?"

Basically, yes I get jealous, and then I try to get over it, and then I end up thinking about something trivial to calm myself down.

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MADDOG
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It only buggs me when they are doing something to destroy the good health they have.

Smoking is my big thing!!!

If they have a strong body and no health problems but smokeing then trade me bodies.

Then they can smoke this lyme ate body to hades
while i enjoy their good body.

MADDOG

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SickLYme
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I feel this way often as well! However I always geel guilty for feeling this way. I do it towards many people, and find myself talking in my head as they complain to me about their headaches, or colds! Puhlease! I wish I had the aches and pains of a cold!

And I think it stems from NO ONE believing me after all these years...everyone thought I was a hypochondriac. So yes because of the way I was treated...I get angry and feel some jealousy and envy towards others.

I want to have kids so I envy the people that have kids and don't take care of them etc. I just want to walk my dog and I can't even do that.....So maybe I could learn a thing or two as well. I have considered ordering that book How to be Sick and I think it is time..

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nonna05
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It's so hard to feel real joy for self and not feel ....I'm not sure of the word ,,,I guess anger.. Cause for most of us we were going along doing life and WHAM. That was that.. Now this big fight for health and any bit of a normal life.

But it does seem to me that those with the better attitudes ,do better getting better.

One person I see ,with some kind of machine that sets your frequency back in order, and can tell what the worst problems are at that time, keeps telling me I NEED joy.. I must find a good place in my heart to fight. ( not sure about the machine,but does seem to help for a few days..

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Nula
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I am having an insanely jealous day. Jealous of happy, healthy, working, traveling etc. people.

So I was searching online for other Lyme patients who feel the same and came across this 4-year-old thread.

Thanks to everyone who contributed. I feel the way you did/do ...

--------------------
I appreciate all your replies. If it takes me a while to respond, it is either because I'm too sick or because I am unable to log in. From European servers, Lymenet is very frequently inaccessible for days at a time ...

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Robin123
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Thanks for bringing up the thread - I think it's pretty useful for us.

I am very impressed with what searching4truth wrote, about taking us out of the equation - that's interesting - just letting people's lives be.

I remember before I got sick, that was my life - on the go, able to do things, hadn't been stopped like this. I think I would have been happy if people were happy that I had an enjoyable life then.

So I will meditate on searching's thoughts here, about what it means to let people have their lives, because, that's what they know.

I don't actually wish any hard times on others.

Counterpoint - those who haven't suffered are insufferable. So, there is some deep value to having suffered, and I guess I should mention both sides of this discussion.

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WPinVA
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Good thread! Facebook is the worst. Taking a break sounds like a good idea.

I have a close friend who is about to donate a kidney to an acquaintance of hers. I have a lot of conflicting emotions about it, a lot of which are not positive, to be honest.

It floors me that a completely healthy person would risk their health like this, and she also has two young kids. It is definitely a decision made by a person who has never had a chronic health condition, does not know what it's like to be unable to take care of her kids, unable to work, go to grocery store, etc. (and yes, of course, I realize she's doing a really admirable thing for the donee).

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healthywealthywise
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OMG YES! I have definitely felt that way.........so you are not alone as you can see by all the responses above.

No other disease I know has other sufferers having to hide their identities or give excuses for their illness and also feel they have to offer apologies for being sick.

Hang in there, it will get better with time......and your outlook will learn to accept their challenges with your illness.

We're always here if you need an ear.....

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Keebler
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-
Sorry for not reading all the above replies, just can't. Still, wanted to chime in that sometimes what we think is jealously may not be that, actually.

I think of jealously has containing a distain, even a twinge of hate -- or otherwise strong wish for bad luck for the other (of whom one is feeling all this stuff).

Sometimes, likely often, it's more of a tortured envy - not wishing ill on another or ill of another -- but just wishing we could do that, too . . . or have that kind of energy, brain power, etc.

And the deep, deep hurt that lyme / TBD causes just intensifies envy to a different sort of level.

When envy clobbers me, I have to remember to be happy for others, and also know they have their troubles (and will in future) so it's good they can enjoy now.

I also have to remember to be extra understanding and nurturing when feeling envy. Of course, it's only natural to feel that way, wishing a real life were possible. To not feel that way, well, something would really be wrong then.

As lyme / TBD has caused such unimaginable disruption / destruction it seems logical that the emotions that come with it will be complicated. Remember to be kind to ourselves.

Of course, it gets even more complicated when those whom we might envy or wish we could do what they do . . . well, if they are in the tiniest bit judgmental or not understanding about what we deal with.

If one more person tells me I just need to take up running, for instance, I'm afraid I may well wish they could have lyme for a week to see what it's like. And that's a slippery slope.

I have wished others might have a nightmare that where they'd come to the understanding. Too many renditions of "A Christmas Carol" with Ghost of the Future, eh?
-

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healthywealthywise
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WP I so get that....it's a wonderful thought to save another's life with a small piece of your own. But it can also be a nightmare if the procedure goes wrong and her family could lose her, or what you mentioned.

The thing is, people who are "well and healthy" DON'T know what it's like not to be. I think we all encounter those among our family and friends, those that want to be "saintlike" and thought of as giving an ultimate gift? What if she dies? What if one day one of her children need a kidney? Will insurance pay all of the costs of surgery and recovery? (Because they don't for us.) And those who have never lived our lives can't know what they could encounter, AND AS THE SOUTHERN EXPRESSION GOES...."BLESS THEIR HEARTS".

It may not be the gift you thought it would be.......There is always another side to every story, that's for sure!

Sorry if I come off as being unsympathetic of do-gooders who have the best intentions. I know, I used to be one of them until I got lyme plus and after 10 years lost my job, my friends, my family and my life....

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Nula
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I love all responses ... thanks so much! Not feeling so alone anymore ...

Yes, Keebler, I think it's more envy rather than jealousy.

--------------------
I appreciate all your replies. If it takes me a while to respond, it is either because I'm too sick or because I am unable to log in. From European servers, Lymenet is very frequently inaccessible for days at a time ...

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Keebler
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-
And it may be, too, that this sort of pain (and shock at the new "normal" realities) just does not have a ready-made name. It's loss, for sure. It's grieving, most certainly.

[Reading back over it, I must interject, yeah, it has a name: medical abuse by the IDSA as the cause. So there's understandable anger over that injustice on a grand scale.]

Back to the topic,

For myself, it's not so much about even envy over what others can do at all - but what about what I can't. Others have very little to do with it, other than the visual reminders / triggers.

And, where others judge even with the question "what DO you do all day?" or are horrified if I drop and flop like an electrocuted trout, well, certainly certainly do without that humiliation.

Emotions were never something I even knew had names in my youth. We just got on with life. So, that they now are inexapable (?), well, like cooking. Who knew I'd have to really learn all that?

Wishing for, longing to be able to do / say / speak / walk / just be with others in ordinary surroundings . . . that's a pretty universal desire. And when it's smothered, it's just too deep for me to name what is left in the ashes.

Of course, in comparison to those across the globe there are others in deeper distress. My heart goes out even more to them & hope all find what they need to be able to experience life at its best . . . yet acknowledging others' pain, well, it still does not patch the hole in my life.

I do find some comfort in thinking back over times that were good, "normal" times that I likely took for granted. Now, I see them in a deeper light.

I have to give a shout out to Qigong here for it has really helped me learn to hold my heart, myself in a healing light.

Acupuncture and massage really helped, too, in the days when they could be part of my life. Yet Qigong is something I can do to bring nurturing love & light to my heart any time, any circumstance. Like the Stuart Smalley character in the 70's / '80's on Saturday Night Live

"good enough, smart enough" just the way you are, doing the best we can, eh? Cliches can save our bacon at times.
-

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beaches
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For the life of me, I can't wrap my head around how organ donation became part of this topic.

Why would anyone expect a healthy person to understand what it is like to live with chronic illness? All we can expect is respect for what we are going through.

Ask yourself if you can possibly imagine being so healthy that you are medically cleared to donate a kidney. Wouldn't that be amazing?

W, Just as your friend who is donating a kidney to her friend cannot understand your chronic illness, you cannot understand her robust health and why she made this decision.

Of course any surgery comes with risks. So does walking across the street. This surgery has become commonplace. If more people were like your friend, more lives would be saved. Living in kidney failure and dying from it is no walk in the park. God bless your friend for donating the gift of life.

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Rumigirl
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Oh, Lordy, is this a big topic for all of us!!

Keebler, I love your remembering the Stuart Smalley character on SNL, that was Al Franken, who is now a darned good senator!

Anyway, this whole topic is a major one. To be continued . . .

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