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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » Chronic Lyme and Marriage - Poll

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Author Topic: Chronic Lyme and Marriage - Poll
DaveNJ
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Just curious if you woudl say that your chronic lyme has:

a)made your marriage stronger
b)weakened your marriage
c)no difference

i'm a B for sure...and curious how many others are in the same boat. if and when i heal from this i will have to then heal my marriage.

Dave

--------------------
On my journey to wellness - One day at a time.

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randibear
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dave, as you probably know, b for me...big time.

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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DaveNJ
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yeh i think there are going to be a lot of Bs here...

--------------------
On my journey to wellness - One day at a time.

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lax mom
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a) my husband and I both have Lyme and are both in treatment. So we each understand what the other is going through.

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♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
(aperture)
http://flash.lymenet.org/scripts/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=115161;p=0

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lpkayak
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b that ended in divorce

but i was in a 3 yr relationship with someone with lyme and it was good. really good to have someone around who"got it" and good to have the support.

we ended up wanting different things...i want to settle down and relax after raising the kids...he wanted to travel-but we are still friends

i think the only way i could be happy with someone now is with someone who "gets it"

i would not want to have to teach someone about me and lyme right now. im just trying to survive. but if there was someone who "got it"...that would be nice.

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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faithful777
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A- for us. We are both sick and although we have different symptoms, we recognized that some of our strange behavior was the disease and not us.

Made our marriage stronger than ever. Faith in God played a big role.

--------------------
Faithful

Just sharing my experience, I am not a doctor.

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soccermama
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While it has taken a toll on our marriage, I would answer A. My husband has not been perfect but he has been there and supported me.
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surprise
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I think having a child or children with Lyme or autism is much harder on the marriage.

I have a good marriage, I'm grateful. He is not sick. But if he came down with cancer or some other serious health malady, yes, the whole family is affected-

But this is life, yes? And marriage is a commitment. But it's important to be good to one another.

I do everything that I can to pull my own weight- I have kids who depend on me. I think that's helped, somehow.

So A, I guess. But the financial toll is incredibly real.

--------------------
Lyme positive PCR blood, and
positive Bartonella henselae Igenex, 2011.
low positive Fry biofilm test, 2012.
Update 7/16- After extensive treatments,
doing okay!

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linky123
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Lyme has caused major stress on our marriage and family as a whole.

I often wonder what our lives would have been like without it. It makes me very sad.

B for sure.

--------------------
'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28

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daynise
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A
We just don't take as much for granted as we did before I got sick. He's really stepped up and taken care of me.

I only pray that if the time ever comes, I am able to do the same for him.

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MannaMe
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A for us.
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lpkayak
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im glad there are more A's...

i tried for 10 yrs-with counselors...he was just in denial...i was better off alone than with him

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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faithful777
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When two of you in the same house are sick, you learn to hold each other up and yes, you do not take things for granted.

I pray that more spouses will step up to take care of their own family who is sick.

Everyone deserves to have someone to love and support them. [group hug]

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Faithful

Just sharing my experience, I am not a doctor.

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fatherguido
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B) My marriage ended in divorce thanks to Lyme.

The illness brought to the surface the deficiencies my wife brought to the marriage. Everyone has faults but I have always put in more effort than she did. When I needed help the most because of this illness, she decided to leave.

It worked out because I am happier than I have been in years yet she struggles just to get by in life. Maybe it is karma because she wanted the divorce but she is now more depressed than ever.

You would think your stress level would go up when the spouse leaves but the opposite occurred. This was the turning point in my recovery as I started feeling better. That was 1.5 years ago and am currently close to 100% in my Lyme recovery.

This is an exception and not the norm with divorce.

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unsure445
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I almost wrote this same post yesterday Dave. I am so much better, don't really think of myself as sick but still have a few symptoms each month so still treating with herbs.

Having Lyme brought me more in touch with myself which I think shed light on aspects of my marriage I am not happy with.

It has caused me to be more true to myself. It's been very bumpy to say the least. I am hoping in time with some normalcy I will have clarity in respect to what I want to happen with my marriage.

I have days with slight anxiety and my mind takes the downward spiral as far as my marriage goes. And then I don't know if the anxiety is the real deal or from Bartonella.

Having a horrific, long term illness is a growth experience no matter what, one that no one else will truly ever understand. That in itself is hard. I feel like a much different, more self aware person than I was pre-Lyme.

I know me being ill has been so incredibly hard for my husband. He had Lyme and coinfections too but was in remission pretty quickly.

Its really hard. I do believe all things happen for a reason though.

--------------------
unsure445

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lpkayak
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i'm happier too...and so was he at first...but then she got parkinsons! talk about karma...actually i think they both have lyme but they are in denial and doing what ducks say...so it is better they are together and i am alone.

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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cozynana
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I would say we have a marriage that has had big changes in the past 4 years.

I would also say we have morphed into a stronger relationship that is based on a mature caring for each other and know we are in this together to the end.

My husband has become incredibly supportive once he figured out how sick I really was and my life is fragile and not guaranteed to last long term.

That said, I don't dwell on my health as much and try to engage in life as much as possible.

Maybe I have learned to morph my outlook into something more healthy.

A chronic long term illness can still be productive.

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DaveNJ
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wow lots of input....sorry i was hving oen of those days when i wrote this ...it was an anxiety fueld moment that made me reflect at where im at...

my wife is so wonderful in so many ways but being a cheerleader is not her strong suit...makes me sad to realize how many times i've had to pull myself up by the boot straps....are remind her i can't eat pasta.

i ma so educated on this and while she cares she never takes the time to be an advocate...it bums me out sometimes...i'm sure if teh shoe was on the other foot i would know ever detail of her illness as thats just who i am

trust me i am no treat to live with with or without lyme....but i do feel like i ahve had to fight through this one my own...depressing....never mind having somehow supported my entire family throught this...i trul believe until that burden is removed i will never get well.

Dave

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On my journey to wellness - One day at a time.

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randibear
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i wish that all of us on this board could get together some time. it would be nice to meet other people who go through this.

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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Messa
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It would be very nice randibear! My marriage goes back and forth from A to B. lol! Depends how sick I am. We both have a hard time.
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cordor
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My husband of 10 years left me almost 2 years ago. I think my illness just ended up burning him out....and was not what he "bargained for".
Sad to say. It is not what I had bargained for either, but I have no choice, but to carry on...thru the better and worse of it.

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Corinne

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KentuckyWoman
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B

--------------------
KentuckyWoman
tired of medical run-arounds

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~ ~ Robert Frost

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BoxerMom
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Lyme certainly hasn't helped!

The biggest influence on my marriage has been my in-laws and how they raised my husband. They both came from "challenging" families and my husband was raised with some very unhealthy family patterns. (Don't mean to be vague. Trying to stay on topic.)

My husband has become very aware of his unhealthy family patterns and is now working hard to become the person he wants to be. The past month has been the best in our marriage. He is like a different person in how he relates to me.

As far as Lyme goes, we've missed out on most things we wanted in life, and haven't had many fun times together. Our lives are filled with stress and uncertainty. We get no breaks from that. We are also ridiculously isolated.

I have no idea where I fall on the poll. Lyme has sucked, and has certainly made our lives less satisfying. (Wow, is that an understatement!)

But our marriage is actually pretty good, Lyme notwithstanding.

--------------------
 - Must...find...BRAIN!!!

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IA2WA
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A! And I'm thankful everyday for him!
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lpkayak
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randi...back in the day some of us saw each other at conferences and protests...it was very special...and after spending time and seeing each other a whole new level was added to the online experience

theres probably a pic somewhere of opti-mistic some where in her costume. every time i see her name i see her in that costume in my head

i am not such a good traveler anymore...so dowubt i could get to a get together unless it was very close

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Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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beths
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No difference. But I will say I try not to talk "Lyme" everyday, I think it's important to have "normal" conversations and try to do what you are able to do. There are two people in a relationship. Just because we are sick, doesn't mean they don't have needs.

A simple "thank you" to your partner and let them know you appreciate the extra effort they put in, wether its emotional financial etc. How many of you ask your partner- how was your day?

What's really helped me (and probably my relationship) was finding a few friends who have Lyme and having each other for support. And LOL, I found them on lymenet! We call one another and complain or vent.

Unfortunately with this disease, you don't get it unless you get it [Frown]

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4Seasons
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I've had Lyme for all the 25 years I've been with my husband. It's been a mixed bag. On one hand, I've been repeatedly heartbroken by his shortcomings, but he's always stood by me, and I know that hasn't been easy.

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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."
Anonymous

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LymeSince3
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Probably a B in my case. Diagnosed 5 years ago and he says he didn't buy into all this illness...
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WheelWatcher
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Overall A but some days or weeks or months it feels like B. We are both sick & in treatment, & slowly getting better. Our son also has Lyme & some issues related to that. Lyme rage in a marriage is no fun, and it is worse with kids. But at least we know where the other person is coming from.

--------------------
IgM ++41, IND 31, 34, 39, 83-93
IgG IND 41

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." - unknown

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seekhelp
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B w/o a doubt, while my spouse has had to cart me around because I struggle to drive and has, they have made little to no effort in over five years to truly understand tick borne illnesses, treatments, etc. They just won't/don't dig into details which is absolutely needed with this disease. Me being analytical and a detail person really makes me get upset.

I learned having a spouse like Bea was to Steve is very, very rare. I appreciate what my spouse does do and my health problems stress our family greatly. However, the spouses that go the extra mile are pretty rare. This stuff really makes you think about the for better or for worse lines in most marriage vows.

The common theme from an UNEDUCATED healthy person's perspective is just take your meds and you'll be A-OK. No clue. It makes the sick, educated person very upset and resentful. The person a Lyme patient is married to must be highly intelligent, resourceful, fact-finding, and be able to tackle overwhelming situations. Again, not common attributes.

DaveNJ, it sounds like we have common issues/concerns. Like you said, if the shoe was on the other foot, I know I would know 100x more about my spouse's illness than they currently understand about mine. That hurts to feel like that. However, we often forget that we become self-absorbed with TBI stuff as we never ever can avoid living the nightmare. Our sensitivity to it as way higher.

If it takes two people both having TBIs to understand each other, then no thanks. This is a nightmare enough with one person!!

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DaveNJ
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Seek,

the ironic thing is that i hada really bad flare whcih prompted this Poll and also prompted some serios conversation with my spouse about where i need her help(reviewing and tweaking strategies, research)....it has only been two weeks but i am seeing some changes...including a formal sit down rather than those conversation in passing. She agree to it and ceratinly has helped me feel less alone ...i hope it continues.

i might be a B+ right now....always the optimist.

Ps...i really appreciate everyone giving their two cents on this topic....made me realize i am not alone.

Dave

--------------------
On my journey to wellness - One day at a time.

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AuntyLynn
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Dave -

Your last post really made me smile ... as "a good heart to heart sit down" is what I might have suggested. Sometimes our partners can be oblivious to our feelings - and sometimes the vice is versa.

I wish you all healthier and happier days ahead - and hope you will all find the support you need from someone, even if it didn't turn out to be your spouse.

Peace.

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cozynana
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A-my husband has been there for me. He has not always understood or beleved all that goes with Lyme.

That said, he loves me and is in the long haul. Unless, you live it how can a person know.

That that we have not felt we cannot know.

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Lymedin2010
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B+ for me. It has put a dent in our marriage, but at the same time we both realize how strong we are to still be together.

Mine is a nurse & is set in her ways. Antibiotics are bad for you....yadda....yadda.....yadda. Yea, but so is Borrelia.

I just about give up on trying to educate others around me. It seems like a lost cause! I have thought about it many times & it makes sense now.

If you are healthy, why bother with something that does not affect you. Are we all looking into flesh eating bacteria, no! There are many who do encounter them and die.

Are we all looking to cancer treatment or to forced labor and modern day slavery? NO, since it does not impact us directly. To those who are directly involved it is a totally different story.

Healthy people in general have no reference point for which to try to understand us. It is hard to mentally imagine all that we go through, but so easy to feel the turmoils once you go through it.

After not bringing up Lyme for a long time, I finally have to get aggressive again, since my little one is declining. I have to speak and stand up for her, since between us, only I can fully understand this hell.

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Healerdealer
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Great question, Dave! When I was at my sickest, I would have to say (b) - my marriage was definitely under strain.

My husband always supported me and my treatments but he was never sick with Lyme, has no health issues or chronic physical problems and just couldn't relate to what I was going through.

It seemed like he was often angry or frustrated or both (at me and/or the disease) and I felt depressed, helpless and a burden.

When my health started to improve - everything else started to improve, including our relationship.

Now, I'm in remission, and our marriage is stronger (a)than it was before.

One of the underlying causes of my chronic symptoms was unresolved emotional trauma - which was treated through holistic drs.

Once I started to deal with this, I actually became more well-balanced, more positive, healthier and emotionally stronger.

But to this day, I avoid discussing Lyme or anything else Lyme related with him.

That's what Lymenet, FB,Lyme friends, etc. is for! [Smile]

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ladycakes
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A, for us. Early on, before I got diagnosed and we didn't know why I slept all of the time, we fought a lot. But having been through that, and coming to terms with what I'm capable of, and the fact that it might change day to day, we're a good team now.

I've been with him since I was 17 (so, 13 years now) and I've been moderately sick for almost all that time, and REALLY sick for maybe 7 of it. I always tell him he's too young to be stuck with a sick wife, but he's a pretty strong dude.

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Bitten in Bergen
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Oh, Dave - your post struck a cord with me. I was going to post something similar tonight!

My answer is b) as well - it has put such a strain on my marriage.

To make matters MUCH worse, we ALL have lyme & coinfections - my spouse, and my two children.

Despite the fact that I have been on top of our medical advocacy all this time, my spouse still just doesn't "get it" and is very lax about the treatments.

Our kids' situations are a bit more complex and we have had to reach out to integrative/ naturopathic practioners to get the full effect for healing. Because of this, spouse thinks that I've gone off the deep end. (Note: I am very skeptical and analytical and don't go into any treatment protocols without a full investigation.)

I am also doing all of the coordination of care for myself and the kids, including complicated medication schedules, staying in tune with changes in symptoms so I can report back to our doctors.

I am also the sole breadwinner for our family (currently on disability) and hoping to return to my job in the next few weeks.

I keep the household running - make sure we have enough meds and food in the house. I maintain our schedules.

Through all of this, spouse has not shown much support if any. I can understand that when someone is ill that they tend to turn inward. So, I just feel sorry for myself that my spouse cannot offer me any emotional support.

But our kids need us and they are what keeps me going, no matter how awful I might be feeling. It's just a fact of life. Why spouse does not see this and help us is so disappointing to me.

I agree - the marriage commitment is "in sickness and in health." But this is really pushing it. I'm sick too, so why am I the one with all the responsibility?

I would have cut my spouse more slack, but it makes me resentful when I see them doing things they want to do (seeing friends, buying things for themselves, going to the movies, going on a trip with college friends, etc.). So spouse is well enough to have fun, but when it comes to being a partner and involved parent, it's hit and miss?

The worst part is that my spouse is generally in a bad mood all the time lately (stopped taking one of the meds that was helping with mood) and constantly directs insults at me and is impatient with the kids.

I tried to urge spouse to not stop a med that they even admitted at one point was helping with mood, but spouse is burned out with all the pill popping. But kids & I are getting the brunt of it now and it is not a healthy environment for us to be living with someone so hypercritical and cranky. It brings us all down.

That's all for now - thanks for letting me VENT!

[ 03-12-2013, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Bitten in Bergen ]

Posts: 348 | From NJ | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ticsbite
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My EX husband never believed I had Lyme. Even with a PIC. If he believed anything it was after 15 days, you would be fine.

Amazingly, his lack of support made me more sick.

Once we divorced, within a year, I became healthier and healthier.

It's true what thy say. Someone can be toxic to you.

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kam
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Not able to read what others wrote or even recall if I posted on this thread or not.

But, while in college (Deaf Studdies undergrad and special ed)....

I learned that the stats are very, very high for divorces when there are health issues in the family.

Mostly, the men leave.

Since divorce rates are high to begin with I would think it would be rare indeed for the marriage to stay strong.

I can't imagine living with me the past 11 yrs. I can't even imagine having someone under the same roof as so many things go into surviving this illnesss....

...like needing the windows open when it is freezing out as I am boiling up

...needing lots of quiet...I even wear peltor ear protection muffs when the caregiver comes for an hour once a week as it wears me out just having her here...and I am in my bedroom

...right now, I need to turn the heat up as my body is shaking and I am cold...but the sound of the fan on the heater is too much for me so I am waiting it out.

I was married when I first started having symptoms....I had not put two and two together yet that it was lyme disease...

I was married to a guy who attacked you instead of the problem...

..all I knew is that it was effecting my health and I needed to get out of there.

...I wanted to just get my own roof so I could have some time to figure things out as I wasn't sure what was going on...

...his attitude was if you leave that front door you are not comign back.

..I don't regret leaving and only wish I had done it sooner.

Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KentuckyWoman
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Kam
Idea for problem with needing to be warm and not able to stand the sound of the heater.
Can you get yourself and electric blanket or electric lap blanket? this is what I use.

The electric lap blanket is like a heating pad, only much larger. I think it gets hotter than a regular electric blanket. I would crank it up and then throw another blanket on top until the chills went away.

Also, a good Epsom soak can also chase those chills and achies away. My LLMD says at least 3x/wk. [Smile]

--------------------
KentuckyWoman
tired of medical run-arounds

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~ ~ Robert Frost

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iwouldratherbeatdisney
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Definitely A for me. And I am so thankful. Amazingly enough Lyme has been a blessing for me in a lot of ways.
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Ellen101
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I would have to say A. My husband husband has been my rock and my cheerleader through this.
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