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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » we missed the wedding....more stress...

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Author Topic: we missed the wedding....more stress...
randibear
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i could never make this stuff up. honest, this all happens in my day-to-day hohum drum little life.

you know his son's wedding on june 2? well we MISSED the damn thing.

i won't go into a lot of detail about the other horrifying events that happened like the constant fighting on the way back and driving 700 miles in one day, and skirting tornadoes in oklahoma, oh no, i'll not bore you....

instead, let's just say we stayed at his sister's house. imagine me, a chubby little gnome like person with obsessive-compulsive disorder staying at a (gasp!!) hoarders house. i sat on my hands literally, trying not to reach over and put something away!! we got in through a small path in the garage that we cleared!!!

this sent my anxiety levels through the roof and i thought i was going to have a full blown panic attack. thank heavens i took my own shampoo and soap...she didn't have any!!!!

her condo is a 2-story, which we didn't know and she never told us. i have a very bad back with bulging discs at L1 through 3 and could barely make it up the stairs. his one knee was blown out in vietnam and he's crippled on stairs.

so she goes in through her patio door, cause you can't get in any other way. he steps out and she says "oh watch the" ....he falls flat on his face down on the concrete..."step there"....oh thanks for saying something.

he has depth perception problems and needs his other eye operated on and couldn't see the steps.

so this scares me because i'm thinking, "oh, lor, i can't drive the 1100 miles home myself"...he better not be hurt...luckily he said he wasn't

i thought my baby car would be parked in a garage. she's always parked in one at home, out of this texas sun but her garage is piled to the ceiling with hoarding items, like outdoor furniture cushions that don't fit anything, 4 full size bedspreads and she only has one bed...stuff like that ya know...lawnmower when she has condo assoc to take care of yard...typical hoarding items. ordered stuff that has not been opened, tons of christmas stuff. two microwaves.

see discovery channel show hoarders and you get my drift...

well anyway she had a list of things she wanted husband to do and most of it centered around the honda my husband sold her. they both started working on it the day of the wedding, going out and buying all the parts and all.

the wedding was at 4:30 on sunday. about a 45 minute drive north of dayton past tipp city. i started at 2 telling them "uh guys, it's getting late, we better start"...at 3 i'm going "um guys i'm going to clean up, getting really late".

so they are now cleaning out her humongous filthy garage..and i'm freaking out. then i said "well if we don't make the wedding, don't blame me".

so it's "OMG, look at the time". it was 4 and we were still in dayton. at this point, i said "well crap, there's no way in heaven's green acres that we can make this wedding". his daughter called and wanted to know where the hell we were, and i said "oh we got a late start". then his son called and said "where are you?", and i repeated again on our way. and they said we can't hold the wedding, we're going ahead and i said fine. do what you have to.
we got there as they turned and went back down the aisle. missing the entire ceremony.

we stayed at the reception for about 2 hours and then came home.

her daughter, who did not want this, cried so much that this woman, left the wedding table and stayed gone for at least 20 minutes. then his son got up and left also and stayed gone another 20 minutes or so, leaving the guests, going wth???

there were other things that happened but i just thought i would let you know that after all this, a total bust....

we both have decided that if he wants to visit his family, he goes alone, period. i don't go and if i want to visit my family, i go alone and i'll fly up.

he has said he will not even attend my uncle's funeral..so be it. and i've said i will never spend another nite in that garbaged dump of a place of hers...ain't gonna happen.

i am flat out finished with his family crap. he refuses to even see my family, go out, or anything and i'll be danged if i go around his family and stay in places where i'm uncomfortable.

i did get to see two my sisters and went shopping and dinner which was nice. i like to shop, get over it...

our families couldn't be more different. his hoards from garage sales and all. my family does not. total opposites.

and i refuse to be belittled because i like nice things.

yes,all, another chapter in my soon to be read book, entitled "ya'll ain't gonna believe this one"....

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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Lymetoo
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I can't believe he wouldn't stay in a motel. I hope you never have to go back!!!

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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randibear
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to make it worse, he has a brother in cincinnati, filthy rich, who said "well why didn't you fly into cinncinnati and i'll let you drive the mercedes or bmw to get around"....

grrrrr....

between the tornadoes we were racing around, the garage sale house, the 700 mile in one day, i have had it. just had it....

no more driving trips with him for me.

this has caused major swelling in my legs and feet. my legs are straight down, no ankles, and my toes look like stuffed sausages..,

have to stay with legs up and pray that i don't get a clot.

it will be a miracle if i ever go with him again.

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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Lymetoo
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Ugh! We always get nervous driving thru OK when it's storming. No place to go if a tornado comes through.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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payne
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randibear, life, you are in it for the long haul, beautifull are your words, to US that understand the roaring rivers we are thrown into and how our thoughts of perfect days are only thought anymore..
I spent many yrs of my life trying to be accepted and be the Mr. Right.. , it ain't gonna happen... be the randibear we all love.
May you find a place just for you to endulge - where others respect your way and rise to it...
many prayers to the heavens in your behalf, keep on talking to US,
we are all in this together and we are pulling for ya... may the sun shine when, You need it.. [group hug] [spinning smile] [hi]

--------------------
TULAREMIA/rabbit fever ?

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just don
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Let me get this straight.

You travel 700 miles PLUS the 45 after you get there to go to a wedding.

And you miss it because he is playing in the garage garbage pile???

Especially since he had hours,days or all the time he wanted after to do the same???

Were his ears ringing after this one???

Remind me, exactly WHAT redeeming quality this ding dong has again????

And his excuse was what again? And you let him get away with that?? Seriously??? WHEN is he expected to grow up???

--------------------
just don

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KentuckyWoman
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Yeah, I'm reading this too.. can't describe this feeling... entertained? well.. not exactly bc I get the misery of it all for you Randibear.. ugh... mesmerized? shocked? bewildered?

One thing I'm glad of is that you DO have us to "unload" on.. wow.. do we get it.. Yes, I think a book is in order.. may help pay the bills.. lol [Smile]

I actually was right there with you on the phone.. I would've handed that phone to HIM to answer all the questions. Yikes. Families have their really weird ways they interact with each other sometimes.

My sister-in-law's hubby is a hoarder.. I had a very similar experience about 9 yrs ago.. plus cats, which I HATE, and am allergic to. Pee smell so strong it burned your nose. I too sat in one spot, hands under me, afraid to move.

I am soooo sympathetic. Yes, I declared we'd never do that again no matter how much money we save on hotel. Not too worried about hurting feelings.. they are good eggs, but we've never talked about it. I just told hubby.. yeah.. NEVER again.

I'm sorry for the REEEEEALLY long trip and the misery on top.. glad you were able to glean something good (shopping) out of it.. I do that too.. try to focus on a de-stresser in circumstances like that. [Smile]

HUGS
[group hug]

--------------------
KentuckyWoman
tired of medical run-arounds

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~ ~ Robert Frost

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Robin123
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Well, you do tell a good story! I was laughing, sorry, about you with OCD about things, landing in the midst of a hoarder's domicile...

It's truly nicest of all if we can live life the way we want to live it, and to figure out how to get ourself as much of that as we can.

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randibear
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yeah this absolutely ruined my going to ohio. from now on plane trip for me. one way ticket and i'll come back when i want to.

besides we all need a break every now and then.

and i didn't really tell ya'll alot of what happened. you truly would not believe it....

if life is a bowl of cherries i always get the pits....

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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Keebler
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-
Video below can help avoid future episodes as that. I sure wish I had known some of that long ago, especially about how others' good intentions to help sort can make it harder.

Some of what's been in the news the last year or so has help me come to better understand what was going on with two people I knew. They were not extreme at other things but had major trouble with newspaper & magazine saving - and no way to organize that. Rooms full of papers. Fire hazard, big time.

This also helps me better understand some of what can happen when anyone's brain and endocrine system gets overwhelmed and are faced with decisions. There is wide spectrum and not all who have trouble with organization hoard, still we might learn some tricks from the new information.

TIME MANAGEMENT, I think, can also have to do with brain and endocrine issues, similar to this, as that also requires organization that can be hard to grasp.

Detail here will also help us better interact with anyone in our lives who has this condition. There is much more to it than this, though it's an eye opener:


http://www.cnn.com/2012/08/07/health/inside-hoarders-brain

Inside the hoarder's brain: A unique problem with decision-making

- By Maia Szalavitz, Time.com - August 28, 2012

2:30 Video & article

New BRAIN RESEARCH can help us better understand - and also help with hints as to how any one can - or cannot - organize.
-

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randibear
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keeb, if it's one thing i do well, it's exceptional organizing. i was awarded numerous citations for my office staff and i run my home the same way. no decent germ would ever spend the night in my house!!!

i have every receipt, warranty item, and tax document. it's all neatly filed, alphabetically of course. he laughs because my spices, dvd's, books, everything are also alphabetical.

my closet is the same, clothes are hung by color...white, light pink, dark pink red, etc., on down to black...

makes sense to me.

i must have a chip missing. i cannot understand how anybody can, frankly, live in such conditions. and when help is offered, refuse...

when he went to destroy boxes, she had to inspect them to make sure her name was not on them because "i don't want anybody to know where i live".....excuse me??? he broke them down, she retrieved them....because they were "good" and she might "need" them.

i tried to be patient, i really did...but her snarky comments and i won't even repeat them, infuriated me. no need to attack when help is offered.

my momma didn't raise no dummies, so i backed off and sat down.

she made absolutely no effort to help herself nor did she try to learn when he was telling her how to change a furnace filter or even adjust her bloody thermostat.

sorry, but i don't understand her. comes from being a control freak i quess, i don't know. but i've had to support myself and learn everything on my own. i've always earned my way, paid my own bills, and taken care of myself.

like i said, chip missing....

you are right...there is much more to her story i guess, but you still should be civil and kind to others.

putting a ocd personality in a hoarder's home is cruel and unusual punishment... and i like the way i am, thank you very much....

i don't mean to come off as cruel and intolerant, but combine that with all the other things that weekend, and it was enough to try the patience of Job.....

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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Keebler
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OCD (as you self-describe); Hoarding -- Two different brain conditions combined with physical tendancies that are both misunderstood. The brain video does help explain a lot. I hope you can see that.

Her brain is not like yours. Your brain is not like hers. The same yardstick cannot be used to measure both.

The issue with the breaking down of boxes is very typical - and understandable, in light of her illness.

With better understanding of the BRAIN SCIENCE behing hoarding, the frustration can be lessened for you in the future. And you will be able to better plan and navigate any time you may be together again.

You may choose not to ever be put in such a position again and that may be best for you both. Were it to be me in that position, I'm not sure I could do that again, for sure. My physical condition would not allow it anymore than, perhaps, yours would.

Or you might share some of this with your husband so that he can learn more from science about how to create the best relationship with his sister.

Unless family members are willing to learn about the BRAIN SCIENCE behind hoarding, there is bound to be more heartache and isolation. That could change - and it starts with learning more about it.

With such knowledge of the illness, then some thought can go into planning just how to "organize" a relationship -- it just takes a far different approach. And that can be better - & easier - for everyone.
-

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Keebler
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-
There are many other sites, and likely at least one professionally guided organization for skill building and family dynamic focus. Here's a very recent investigative piece that is just stellar:

http://www.psmag.com/health/hoarding-science-55196/

Why [Anyone Might] Hoard?

- April 29, 2013 * By Bonnie Tsui

Excerpts:

Most of us have a friend, a relative, or a neighbor who seems to pack his or her home with unnecessary stuff. Researchers are just beginning to understand. . . .


. . . Mathews' pilot studies have also evaluated the brain during simple behavioral tasks that test visual memory, categorization, information processing, and other standard functions in contexts that have nothing to do with hoarding.

When asked to identify objects' most prominent characteristics (shape and color, for example), or to group objects based on shared characteristics, people with hoarding disorder had difficulty completing the tasks.

They also had trouble remembering the sequence of things (say, a group of arrows and the direction they face), and performed poorly on tests measuring attention and response time.

The results show, in essence, that people with hoarding disorder have the most trouble when categorizing things. . . . (full article at link).


Excellent work by a seasoned journalist.
-

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Keebler
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In keeping with helping this become EASIER for you, here's another very thorough piece with great advice to make it easier for those who have a hoarder in their lives. From a PBS affliate website:


http://www.nextavenue.org/article/2013-01/my-father-hoarder

My Father Is a Hoarder

When I learned how serious the problem was, I educated myself on what to do -- and not do

-By Leslie A. Westbrook | January 27, 2013
-

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randibear
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You are more than right. I was feeling very bad with swollen legs and feet.

It is better for me to avoid her. If she attacks verbally I cant respond because he'll get mad and there goes a vicious cycle.

I prefer avoidance. I'm a coward....what can I say...

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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Keebler
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To be clear, I was not focusing on verbal assaults. Just the hoarding issue and being stuck in that.

I have a zero tolerance policy for verbal assaults. I had not read that part of your posts. The visual descriptives kidnapped my attention and I must have skipped over the rest of it.

Still, not one to put myself in a position of verbal discord and verbal assaults are not to be tolerated, because she has this other extreme brain condition there may be some reason for her behavior.

[I also have a zero tolerance policy for anyone telling me I would have to just take verbal abuse from anyone, even a relative of theirs. But that's another issue entirely.]

As hard as it is, that also requires some effort at understanding any physical or mental variables but, still, avoidance would be my ticket.

In fairness to all on this planet who have a mouth that might not engage as one wishes, I have read of folks who had certain illnesses (or brain tumors) that totally changed some critical aspects of their language and relationship skills.

If new behavior, it's something for her medical doctor to assess.

If not new, there are many reasons that people "go there" but you don't have to. As you are not related directly, you can keep your distance. However, when one's spouse has to face this, it does seem to require more effort to understand and navigate.

And / or avoid.
-

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randibear
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She's divorced and lives alone. No pets.

Well its her house.....

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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Lymetoo
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I'm with randi.. it's HER problem. Nothing you can do to change this woman's hoarding or brain.

Why waste time watching a video about hoarding when you intend to not ever be in this woman's house again?

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Keebler
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Why? So as to know how to navigate in the future.

And this will not the be last hoarder anyone of us hears about - or knows. That's why.

The detail in the video and articles also helps us better understand how the brain works and there are things that can apply to any of us who has been overwhelmed with organization at times - even if on a scale far smaller -- it's helps to have some kindness in the understanding of it all, or at least knowing there may be more to anyone than we think.
-

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Lymetoo
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I understand about being overwhelmed by stuff that needs to be organized. Sure do.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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randibear
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well i understand the hoarding thang...

but if somebody is a guest in your home staying there and paying for your food, eating out, car parts, and all, i think you should have the common decency not to insult those individuals.

and he was trying to help clean out the garage on top of things. had already fixed every cabinet in her kitchen, replaced the furnace filter, worked on numerous appliances, etc. and was driving her all over the place to dr's appts, visiting family, etc.

i know, i know, different issue. but when somebody is treating me poorly then my understanding and compassion go right out the ole window...

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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beaches
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I think hoarding is a type of mental illness. How else can you explain the extreme clutter and filth? Who in their right mind would want to live that way?

I very much understand being overwhelmed with paperwork and "stuff" and not being able at times to get through it.

But the vast majority of "mentally healthy" people eventually do get around to this stuff and tackle it bit by bit, or if they're lucky, they can tackle it in a day.

MY biggest problem was with with a family member who fully expected me to entrust into her care my then-toddler.

Her house was filled to the brim with papers, furniture, and every kind of clutter you can imagine. There was a narrow path to follow in order to navigate through the home (huge fire hazard).

The house was filthy and it reeked of pet odors and cigarette smoke. No windows were ever opened to allow in any fresh air. The place hadn't been dusted, vacuumed, disinfected in years.

One time after a visit we ended up in the ER b/c my kid was having trouble breathing. That was it for me.

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lpkayak
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i have recently stopped going to family stuff. even good family. i just cant do it. three of my kids have new to them houses and i am so proud of them but they all are on many floors with steps between - even kitchen, bathroom, bedroom on different floors-no way to avoid them.

and i need to do what i need to do when i need to do it---cannot put another first or i am down for the count.

so as sad as i am to miss really important stuff...unless i can bring my house(camper) and socialize from noon to about 9pm...thats it. i cant go.

i am so sad to miss important stuff...that I want to go to...but i hope you can stick to your guns about no more...the stress alone would kill me. its bound to make you sicker.

so sorry you went thru this...and hope you never do again.

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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beaches
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Hugs to you kayak. You've been through too much.
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KentuckyWoman
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Ok, Randibear.. Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you..
[kiss] [kiss] [kiss]

I know that you shared this post with us because you were unloading some frustrations probably.. But I gotta thank you..
And Keebler too here.. Wow..

I think I have just been able to turn your lemons into lemonaide.. with Keebler's help of course. [Smile]

read these links.. very enlightening.. sharing the links w sis-in-law.. but even still, I appreciated the enlightenment..

It will give me pause though before I heave-ho the box of old National Geographics which have been sitting in my garage for 11 years.. UNMOVED and UNTOUCHED. I simply do NOT know why he is keeping them. .... contemplating.... [Smile]

--------------------
KentuckyWoman
tired of medical run-arounds

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~ ~ Robert Frost

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linky123
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My parent's generation lived through the Great Depression.

They really didn't 'have a pot to pee in' for a long time, so they saved everything.

My uncle probably kept the first pair of shoes he ever owned and had a shed the size of a house to store all his stuff in.

When they passed away a few years ago, we were named executors and left with the 'privilege' of cleaning the place out.

What a nightmare.

We're trying very hard not to let too much stuff accumulate.

I don't want to leave my kids a huge mess to clean up when we are gone.

Randi, sorry you had such a miserable experience.

Why does family have to cause us so much stress?

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'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28

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BoxerMom
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OMG Kentucky - I just pitched my old National Geographics!

Don't miss 'em.

Everything's online now anyway.

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 - Must...find...BRAIN!!!

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Robin123
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Randibear, speaking of you arranging your clothes in color order, this reminds me of once when I walked into a neighborhood bookstore, asked the guy for a book, and he said, "I can't help you find it."

"What do you mean, you can't help me?" I asked. "Look around," he said. And indeed, when I looked, I did a double-take because the entire bookstore had been rearranged by book color -

it started with brown books to the left, then red books next to him, then orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, black, gray and white.

So what happened as a result of this - I remembered the color of the book I came for, then browsed that color section and ended up buying two more books of that color, but completely unrelated topics!

He left the store that way for a month. It was fun.

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Ellen101
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Wow what a nightmare! You lost me though with the garage...not sure I would expect to be able to store my car in someone elses garage, heck half the time mine isnt in the garage at home due to the kid's hockey stuff, sports gear etc..
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randibear
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Well she had mentioned having a two car garage and, dumb me, assumed it was for putting my car in. Cause husband had told her how paranoid I am about my car. So that was an assumption mistake on my part. Heck she didnt tell us you couldnt throw a cat in that thing....piled to the bloody ceiling it was.

But I learned real fast.....

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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Lymetoo
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quote:
Originally posted by KentuckyWoman:


It will give me pause though before I heave-ho the box of old National Geographics which have been sitting in my garage for 11 years.. UNMOVED and UNTOUCHED. I simply do NOT know why he is keeping them. .... contemplating.... [Smile]

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Sell them on ebay or craigslist!!! Sell the whole lot or year by year. There are collectors out there.

I can get rid of anything if someone can use them. [Big Grin]

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--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Lymetoo
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quote:
Originally posted by randibear:
Well she had mentioned having a two car garage and, dumb me, assumed it was for putting my car in. Cause husband had told her how paranoid I am about my car. So that was an assumption mistake on my part. Heck she didnt tell us you couldnt throw a cat in that thing....piled to the bloody ceiling it was.

But I learned real fast.....

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You didn't know until last week that she was a hoarder!!??? Oh man!! What a shock!! [Eek!]

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--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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randibear
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No I didnt cause we've lived in Texas for 30 years and before that. I never went to her house...

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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Lymetoo
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Now I really see your nightmare! I'm surprised she even offered for you guys to stay there.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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randibear
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yeah considering she knows (and has been to my house) that i am a compulsive cleaner!!!

could be that she thought i was going to tackle her mess....

NOT....one look and i was ready to head back to texas and i wish i had especially when i saw that my car had to be outside and what she had done to the car my husband sold her, another story....sigh...

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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