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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » Does anyone have funny jokes or cartoons?

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Author Topic: Does anyone have funny jokes or cartoons?
GretaM
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I am feeling down in the dumps these last few days.

Not feeling too social with family or friends. Feeling stretched thin with work and home chores and finances are a disaster.

Ate three full of gluten cupcakes just now and will regret it tomorrow when joints swell up.

Any jokes or cartoons or funny pet stories would be much appreciated.

Save me from more cupcake gluten he11.

Haha
Greta

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Lymetoo
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A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.

"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Lymetoo
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Funny pets!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxvDVhjALoU

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Robin123
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Sherlock Holmes and Doc Watson were camping. That evening, Sherlock Holmes asked Watson to look up and tell him what he deduced from doing so.

So Watson looked up and said, "I see stars everywhere, all throughout the night sky. And even though they look close, they're not. They're millions of miles away. Which means their light that we're seeing now is old - it took several light years to get to us. How's that?"

Sherlock Holmes replied, "No, you fool - someone stole our tent!"

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Lymetoo
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[Big Grin]

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Robin123
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Yours too! It quacked me up -

Here's one of my favorite youtube videos - good for repeat viewing -

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fybch3DX8c8

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linky123
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Gotta love Denver:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8ISzf2pryI

--------------------
'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28

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TNT
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Sorry, but I can't sleep yet. I've heard quite a few blonde jokes and some of them are the funniest. So, I hope they are ok and not taken too seriously by any, uh, blondes.

A blonde was lost in a blinding snowstorm when she remembered something her father had told her in case she ever couldn't find her way. He told her to follow a plow truck and that would eventually lead her to safety.

So she follows this plow truck for a couple hours until it stops and the driver walks back to her car. The driver assures her that she may continue to follow him, but that at this point he is done with the Kmart parking lot, and will be moving across the street to clear the snow from the Walmart parking lot!

A ventriliquist with his puppet buddy was performing before an audience and telling a number of blonde jokes to the crowd.

A blonde happened to be amongst the audience, and after a while couldn't handle the sarcasm any more. She jumped to her feet and started shouting at the man about how bad it was to make fun of people, and to judge them by the color of their hair!

The ventriliquist was so sorry and so he told her that he hadn't meant to offend anyone, he was just trying to have a good time. The blonde snapped, "You be quiet, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the little guy on your lap!!!"

Hope you are not blonde, Greta. [Razz]

.................................................

(Cute - just breaking up the text for easier reading for many here, blonde and unblonde...)

[ 08-09-2014, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Robin123 ]

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TNT
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So sorry, I'm still up (man, I hate this insomnia... must be the full moon coming up).

Don't know if you like Mr. Bean videos, but when the winter doldrums are upon us, my children and I like to watch them sometimes.

This is a good one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS1ePEZZCDY

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Keebler
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-
TNT,

So glad you bring up Mr. Bean. One of my favorites, for all to enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFgLrWiNHFc

Mr. Bean prepares the Christmas Turkey
-

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steve1906
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There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.

A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room.

The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.


After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''

After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''

Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

Steve

--------------------
Everything I say is just my opinion!

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Lymetoo
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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Judie
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If it fits, I sits:

(cute animals in small spaces)
http://www.flixxy.com/if-it-fits-i-sits.htm

This isn't a joke, but pretty amazing:

Bonobo toasting marshmallows

http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/videos/just-short-of-a-smore-bonobo-creates-fire-with-matches-toasts

I thought this was a joke, but it isn't:

Horse Yoga:

http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/videos/have-you-ever-seen-a-horse-do-yoga

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steve1906
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Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard?

A: Shoot him again.


Steve

--------------------
Everything I say is just my opinion!

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Keebler
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-
Try to hear the voices of "Click & Clack" (Car Talk) where I heard this years ago:

Click: What's the difference between a friend and a really good friend?

Clack: Oh, I don't know . . .

Click: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
-

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lostlyme
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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hiker53
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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.

Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away.

“What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse.

“Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.

--------------------
Hiker53

"God is light. In Him there is no
darkness." 1John 1:5

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TNT
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This has to do with noses....(snort).

We were eating breakfast this morning when the subject of blowing your nose came up (daughter has a unique technique for blowing her nose). We laughed because my wife imitated it.

Then I commented that it was not as funny as Uncle W when he blows his nose (and I imitated it).

Next,(horror), I mentioned that it's not nearly as gross as when Uncle L and Uncle J (grown men) dig their noses (constantly. And they really go at it)!!!

Then, (Oh My!), I conjectured that if there was an Olympic contest for digging your nose, that they would win HANDS DOWN...and then I realized it would have to be HANDS UP!!! (HE HE, snort!)

This would not have been worth telling if it had not actually happened this morning--but it did!

--------------------------------
The silly conversation this morning reminded me of a visit with some friends about 15 years ago.

We happened to be talking about an old duffer who was quite the joker. He also had a huge maroon-colored nose.

At one point my host (who later became a church bishop) quipped that "When God was handing out noses, Mr. Fahnestock thought He said roses, and he answered, 'Sure, and I would like a big red one!!!!'"

We all just about fell off our chairs!!

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TxCoord
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We had two little chairs like that for my brother and I. One day I was being bad and Mama sat me in the kitchen on mine. Neighbor from downstairs came up to visit and Mama came in to make a pot of coffee.

She snarled at me and left. As I was sitting in my chair, very upset, I would look to one counter at the coffee pot percolating (yup! Old school coffee!) and then to the other where a box of Tide sat. Back and forth. Back and forth. Finally I made the decision – you guess it!

Mama came in a few minutes later, poured two cups of coffee and left. She came back, with neighbor in tow examining her cup of coffee, and Mama said, “What did you do to the coffee?!?!?”

“I put a whole cup of Tide in it!”

Neighbor lady says, “I wondered why the bubbles didn’t go away.”

--------------------
I have a good time wherever I go!

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Tincup
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Made me laugh, but I do miss Road Runner! He was the best with the jokes.

--------------------
www.TreatTheBite.com
www.DrJonesKids.org
www.MarylandLyme.org
www.LymeDoc.org

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steve1906
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 -

Steve

--------------------
Everything I say is just my opinion!

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TxCoord
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In ‘64/65 when my dad was in Vietnam and we were in Port Hueneme, CA, my youngest brother (2 or 3) picked up his manner of speech from listening to my other brother and I talking. I was 12 or 13, Ju was 9/10 and we talked to each other like friends.

One night at the dinner table the youngest, Jo looks at Mama and says, “You know you’re stupid?”

Boy she doesn’t miss a beat and just gives him a whack across the cheek. He starts crying and she says, “What do you say?!?!?”

“I’m sorry!”

“You’re sorry what?”

“I’m sorry you’re stupid!”

And close curtain.

--------------------
I have a good time wherever I go!

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TxCoord
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Again from ‘64/65. Although Flip Wilson got the credit, I invented his most popular catch phrase.

My brother Ju was standing on a small throw rug and my young brain wondered if he would bounce (like in the cartoons) off the floor so . . . . I give the rug a yank and he falls right on his sitter.

He did not bounce. However, he did yell. Out loud. A lot. For a while. Until Mama came in and asked what happened. He tells her and she snatches me by the arms and says, “What got into you?!?!?!”

(I tell you the truth, this is exactly what I said) “The devil made me do it!”

“Well the devil made me do this!” Whack! “Ow Mama!” Smack “I’m sorry Mama!” “And the devil made me do this!” Whacksmack! “Owowowowowow!!!!!!”

And close curtain.

--------------------
I have a good time wherever I go!

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TxCoord
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One more then I'll stop. For now that is.
Another from ‘64/65. My mother invents the Afro. She had just finished her bath, dried off and dressed. Mother had long, dark, dark curly hair that went below her shoulders. She started the hair care process and grabbed what she thought was Aquanet, but was actually the Right Guard spray.

It took her a couple seconds to realize that there was something wrong but by then the damage was done. The more she brushed and combed the worse it got. And by worse I mean, Don King had nothing on Mama Smith!

Lesson 1. Never laugh at your Mama’s doo – even when it’s a mistake.

And close curtain.

--------------------
I have a good time wherever I go!

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Tincup
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Still laughing! Good stuff!

Hey Steve- May I share your tick pic/message on the websites to make others laugh? I'd seen some sort of message like that years ago, but forgot about it. Still funny!

[Big Grin]

--------------------
www.TreatTheBite.com
www.DrJonesKids.org
www.MarylandLyme.org
www.LymeDoc.org

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Tincup
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Hey Road Runner- come cheer us up, especially Gretta!

[Big Grin]

--------------------
www.TreatTheBite.com
www.DrJonesKids.org
www.MarylandLyme.org
www.LymeDoc.org

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steve1906
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Tincup Share, share, share, laughing makes us feel a little better , at lease for a short time.

Steve

--------------------
Everything I say is just my opinion!

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TxCoord
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A preacher leading a donkey and with a duck perched on his shoulders walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Some take the keyboard away from me!

--------------------
I have a good time wherever I go!

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TxCoord
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I crossed the street with a hole in the back of my jeans. You know what I got?


Laughed at.

I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo. Know what I got?

A wooly jumper with big pockets.

(somebody stop me, please!)

--------------------
I have a good time wherever I go!

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TxCoord
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I had a dream I went to Heaven and was in a huge room with clocks that all had one hand and there were angels with clipboards taking notes.

I asked the head angel what this room was and he said, "This is the sin room. Every person has a sin clock and every time they sin, the hand goes around once."

I looked around and I saw many people's names that I knew and their hands went around occasionally but I didn't see mine. When I asked the angel said,

"God sent it to the devil to use as a fan." (ba-dum-bum-tish)

--------------------
I have a good time wherever I go!

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linky123
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Funny babies:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zux77NleDbM

--------------------
'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28

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Tincup
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Click on the slide show icon (top left). It is someone's interpretation of the IDSA guidelines.

[Big Grin]

https://picasaweb.google.com/AfterTheBite/LymeTreatmentGuidelinesIDSA#

--------------------
www.TreatTheBite.com
www.DrJonesKids.org
www.MarylandLyme.org
www.LymeDoc.org

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Tincup
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HA! You all are funny!

Thanks Steve! Just sent it out!

[Big Grin]

--------------------
www.TreatTheBite.com
www.DrJonesKids.org
www.MarylandLyme.org
www.LymeDoc.org

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Looking
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Looking
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Lymetoo
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[lol]

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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GretaM
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Thanks so much you guys.

I reread and watch these quite a bit.

Feeling down because of bartonella. Just can't seem to kick it.

So thanks for these jokes and laughs. much appreciated!

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Robin123
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Here's one from Comedy Day in the Park -

A cop saw some strange activity in a truck and pulled it over. Turns out there were 12 penguins riding in it.

The cop exclaimed to the driver, "You better take those penguins to the zoo!"

Next day the cop saw the truck out on the road again, with its same passenger load, only this time the penguins were all wearing sunglasses.

"Didn't I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo?"

"Yes," replied the driver. "I took them to the zoo yesterday and today we're going to the beach!"

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Lymetoo
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Good one!

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Robin123
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Thanks - other lines from yesterday:

This person was so dumb, they saw the sign Wet Floor and did.

San Francisco is so cool about immigration, when they ask you for your papers, you give them zigzags.

I got so stoned, I told this stupid joke twice. I got so stoned, I told this stupid joke twice.

Don't be scared - this entire show is gluten-free! There was no gluten harmed in the making of this show.

It's nice to see so many people in the park who don't actually live in the park!!

I would love to be able to park in front of my house. Well, it happened once and I called in sick.

I love San Francisco because you can't walk around and say you don't see that everyday, 'cause you do! (we're a pretty funny city...)

Posts: 13047 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LabRat
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Chinese version of how to feed an elephant and take pictures of it at the same time, more or less. Not really necessary to understand Chinese, you'll see!


http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=d51b0650e695

Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pocono Lyme
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An employee evaluation

Be sure to read through to the bottom…
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I
wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

--------------------
2 Corinthians 12:9-11


9 But he said to me, �My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.� Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ�s power may rest on me.

Posts: 1445 | From Poconos, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LabRat
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Patty isn't feeling well today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-PVZpPWETk

Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
steve1906
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**DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.
You little rebel, I like you.

**Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you, you feel paranoid instead of protected.

**Boy and girl: asked the teacher very important question?
"can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
Boy said to girl :
"see i told you not to worry!!!!

**Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

Steve

--------------------
Everything I say is just my opinion!

Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LisaK
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that video of the elephant and chinese girls is the funniest ever!!!!!! I am digging in my brain for something funny......

--------------------
Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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linky123
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These guys got it down:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPqE1Qbg52I

--------------------
'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28

Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LabRat
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Lookey here!
http://safeshare.tv/w/kLlmcNCGBk

Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
steve1906
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Husband: "How would you describe me?"

wife: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Husband: "What does that mean?"

Wife "Adorable, bright, cunning, delightful, exciting, fashionable, generous, and hot."

Husband "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Wife "I'm just kidding!"

Steve

--------------------
Everything I say is just my opinion!

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Lunaangel
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"Lyme disease? Bah! The Very Idea!"

http://goanimate.com/videos/0XCA4kvs8vk4?utm_source=facebook

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TNT
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These two men had a traveling bungee jumping biz and got tired of going to the same places over and over. So, they decided to take it to a town in Mexico.

Since the town was remote and the residents had never seen a bungee jump before, a crowd of curious onlookers quickly gathered around to check this out.

They had just finished setting the rig up when Bob says to Joe, "Why don't you get hooked up and show these people what this contraption is all about."

Joe puts the harness on and goes over the side. When Joe springs back up Bob notices Joe looks a little frightened. But in a split second Joe was going back down.

When Joe came back up the second time Bob notices that Joe looks bruised and battered. But in a split second he was going back down again.

As Joe comes back up the third time bloodied and beaten, he yells, "HEY, BOB, WHAT'S A PINATA??????!!!!!!!!"

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