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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » Need help with mean sister in law

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Author Topic: Need help with mean sister in law
tickalert
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I hope this is the place to post this.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. His sister clearly doesn't like my daughter who is 17 and I.

She's getting married October 18, and we made the mistake of going to her bridal shower.

I confronted her back in August point blank asking her if she had a problem with me which she vehemently denied.

My daughter and I went to her shower and as she was opening everyone's gift she thanked them very graciously.

When she opened our gift she didn't say a word.

I walked up to her after the shower and asked if there was a problem with her gift.

She of course denied it and said well I was up there opening gifts you know how it is.

No actually I don't. Every time she is around me she ignores me.

When she introduced my daughter she introduced us as "this is my sister in law and her daughter".

When her "real" niece showed up she introduced her as her niece.

RSVP's for this Wedding were due September 19. Unfortunately I said we were going.

My daughter and I have no desire to attend this Wedding for this very mean person.

My husband is upset about the whole thing and hates confrontation.

By the way, we aren't invited to the rehearsal dinner.

Any ideas on how to not attend or should I just be honest?

Obviously his sister is a huge liar.

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LisaK
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anything I've learned from crazy inlaws is - they are crazy, leave them be.

if you must be near them simply say hello an dgoodbye and nothing else. nothing. I mean nothing. do you hear me? nothing. anything else will get you into trouble

I mean nothing. nothing. did I make myself clear? haha

i have crazy inlaws too. just had another run in last night. they are nuts and will never be invited to my house again. if I must see them again ever I will say nothing. they twist and turn anything and everything . don't even look at them. making eye contact will also get you into trouble. stay clear.

that is just my experience, but if your are anything like mine, save yourself some trouble. and chalk it all up to mental illness or whatever. I love them as family, but I do not have to like them. or be near them. toxic

--------------------
Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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linky123
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I also have mean in-laws and a husband who hates confrontation.

And as a result have endured 20+ years of @#$% from them.

If I had it to so over again, I would not try so hard to 'do the right thing', because I now realize you just can't win with these people.

My husband has never, not one time stuck up for me.

So, I go to funerals. That's it.

She sounds like a mean, nasty, passive-aggressive piece of work to me.

You and your daughter don't deserve this treatment.

I wouldn't go to the wedding or anything else that she has going.

Not worth it.

--------------------
'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28

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Lymetoo
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I wouldn't go. Call them or send a note letting them know you won't be attending... no reason...just let them know.

(send the RSVP card)

Is your husband in the wedding? Otherwise, there is no reason to be included in the wedding rehearsal.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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steve1906
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I was always the one to mend all differences with my whole family, for many, many years.

I won’t get into details, but I haven’t talked to anyone for about ten years.

It’s very painful to lose family members, but it’s even more painful to be around them!

Do you think it’s worth it to invite her out for a cup of coffee, and try and work it out? I agree with the others but, you need to talk to your husband, try and come to some resolution that works for both of you.


If that doesn’t work, at least you’ll feel like you did all that you could.

It’s the same thing as getting devoiced; the KIDS will suffer much more than you and your husband.

I wish you the best, good luck!

Steve

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Everything I say is just my opinion!

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tickalert
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Thank you everyone.

Steve, I did go out to coffee with her back in August and she denied ever having a problem with me.

The shower was two weeks after that meeting.

Obviously she is very passive aggressive.

Pretty sure part of it has to do with the fact that we bought her parents business a year and a half ago.

I also want to let everyone know this sister in laws is a realtor.

As a favor to her, we used her for 4 real estate deals which was a significant amount of money for her.

Yes we already sent our RSVP saying we would all attend.

Of course this was before the bridal shower.

I'm pretty much done with all of the stress.

Life's to short to put up with nasty people.

Yes she's my husbands sister however, she obviously can't be honest.

My in laws are paying for her Wedding.

I want to add my in laws didn't give my husband and I a Wedding gift.

By the way, they have lots of money.

Lymetoo, it's supposed to be customary according to all the information I've read to invite siblings to a rehearsal dinner.

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randibear
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don't even get me started.

went to ohio and didn't have a heavy coat. his mother, in front of his ex, his kids, sisters and husbands, oh jus everyone, says "well don't you even have a decent coat. well no matter, my god, nobody here is as big as you are."

his mother falls all over his ex, crying and telling her she's her only daughter and how she misses her...gag..

his sister always says snarky things.

I put my foot down after we drove 1100 miles and missed his son's wedding. and when his family started *****ing I let them know immediately it was his and his sister's fault.

do not go. you will not be missed and they won't care. you'll be miserable. claim illness, anything but stay home.

we're supposed to go home for christmas and I've already told him I will not be seeing his family at all..period..and I ain't staying with his sister either.

take it from me, stay home.

and my husband's daughter, during her wedding, made sure the caterer, hair stylist, and all knew to charge us separately for anything we did. he was in the wedding, I was not nor was I in the wedding photos.

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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linky123
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No wedding gift from your husband's family?

Wow.

--------------------
'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28

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tickalert
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linky123, correct? That is exactly how I feel.
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steve1906
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Well, Now that you have made your decition, I'd like to say I agree with you.

Life is to short to deal with this Sxxx.

Don't ever doudt your decition, you did the right thing.

Keep going forward,
Steve

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Everything I say is just my opinion!

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Lymetoo
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quote:
Originally posted by tickalert:

Lymetoo, it's supposed to be customary according to all the information I've read to invite siblings to a rehearsal dinner.

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Well, USUALLY close family members are in the wedding .. so it usually works out that everyone is at the rehearsal dinner.

They seem to be deliberately excluding you and your husband.

Keep your mouth more closed than open.

[group hug]

Such a shame.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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LisaK
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I would go to the reception. do not bring a gift. only a card. eat their food and be cordial and then leave with a smile. nothing more, nothing less. damned if you do, damned if you don't. just eat the food and leave.

and don't worry about her not telling you how she truly feels. 99% of the population is just the same. let it go. deal with your own life. stop trying to fix other people.

[Smile]

I have been through the ringer. I hope you are spared.

--------------------
Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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Dogsandcats
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Ok, I am a professional. I went to a family wedding when I was at my worst point with Lyme. Couldn't barely walk, my son helped me down a hill for pictures- guess what? I was not in one picture in the album.

My ex mother inlaw would call me screaming about what she wasn't happy with. I ran in circles to be accepted. I never was. No matter how high I jumped, it wasn't enough. My ex never stood up to her. When she died this year, I felt sorry for my kids losing their gma, but I did not feel anger, etc because I had separated myself from her years ago.

Start now teaching your daughter now how you let people treat you. This will never stop and it will teach her you have take the behavior for family peace- well, you don't.

There are people in my family I don't see anymore. They are toxic. Holidays are awkward when we are not all there, but it is peaceful. I don't get sick a week before worrying about how they will treat me and mine. They always did it very quietly to make sure I knew, but it flew over others heads.

Who knows, maybe I am toxic to them! Not all people get along.

Send a not to the bride and groom and explain due to your health you and your daughter will not be attending. If someone comes undone about your meal cost (which they should be able to call the caterer and reduce it by 2 people)
Offer to pay what you can.

It takes hard work. You don't have to recount all their unkind behaviors, just say no. Don't gossip, don't say anything when asked except maybe, this is where we are now.

You may not be ready for this, but you will be some day.
Train your daughter to have a cut off point where people are not just cranky, they are mean. And you take care of yourselves. And you will never look back.

--------------------
God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.

Billy Graham

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beaches
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Agree with dogsandcats about teaching your daughter how people should treat her.

I've dealt with a lot of family issues over the years.

There were times I completely stopped contact with a few because of very disrespectful things said to me and about me.

Those relationships were eventually healed to a certain extent, but the parties knew if anymore offensive things were said, the relationship with me and my immediate family would be over for good.

In recent years a distant relative (both in terms of relationship and miles) has been rude to my daughter.

I overlooked the first "offense" as I often do. Afterall, everyone says something stupid once in awhile. I chalked it up to ignorance and told my daughter to just forget it.

The second offense was much more egregious, with said relative saying something so unbelievably offensive to my daughter that none of us could believe it.

And, this relative waited to speak her poisonous words to my daughter when the two of them were alone together as we were dispersing after a family event. And this is someone who knows what my daughter has been through!


That was the last straw. I confronted her via writing, telling her how offensive and inappropriate her words were.

She blabbered on about how she didn't "remember" what she had said and she was sick over the fact that she might have caused my daughter and me upsetment.

No, actually she was embarrassed for being called out by me, the family "gatherer" - the one who is the ONLY one to bring EVERYONE else together.

And this relative ramped it up a step further by saying something insulting to me about my daughter!

My litmus test for these types of things is that whenever a person brings the younger generation into adult issues, that is enough to cut ties with that person.

My daughter told me that she has no desire to see this relative again based on how she was treated. I honor and respect and agree with my daughter's feelings. This person is out of our lives.

I do not think you should attend this wedding. Nothing good will come of it IMO. I think it might be best to call her and tell her that due to the way she has treated you and your daughter, the relationship is strained and that you have decided in retrospect to not attend but you wish her the best in her marriage.

Follow that up with a nice card with a gift certificate enclosed. YOU ALWAYS want to be the kind and gracious one. But that doesn't mean standing in line waiting to be treated rudely.

As for the husband standing up to the family, wow, I feel everyone's pain! For some reason men don't stand up to their mothers the way women do.

Mine finally did. It basically came down to either I tell her or you do, and if I do, it won't be nearly as nice or pleasant!

Good luck. These things aren't easy to navigate. Just be strong for your daughter and do the right thing for HER. That's something you will never regret.

[ 09-29-2014, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: beaches ]

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GretaM
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I agree with Steve dogsandccats and beaches.

Don't go.

Look at how much stress this is causing your family...

You're not even there yet.

Most people are crankeir than normal at weddings. So it will be worse as she will be the Bridezilla and everyone will excuse her behaviour.

I had a parent who has been ignoring me my whole life. Marry an even worse spouse. I tried for years jumping through hoops trying to please them.

When I got real sick with neuro lyme... I was unable to jump through hoops and deal with the stress the spouse was constantly causing.

They ignored me. Were only interested in what I could do for them, apparently.

Thanks to bartonella, I ended up speaking my mind and standing up for myself. It felt exhilerating and freeing. Like I broke the chains off.

Ever since then, being ignored by them feels good.

Not having the negativity and cruelty in my life is SO refreshing!!!

Relationships should be a respectful two-way street. If one side is habitually rude or hostile... Say goodbye and don't feel guilty.

Or...catch bartonella and tear a strip off them...finally bartonella did something good for me.

Saved me further years of hoop jumping...

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Lymetoo
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quote:
Originally posted by beaches:
I think it might be best to call her and tell her that due to the way she has treated you and your daughter, the relationship is strained and that you have decided in retrospect to not attend but you wish her the best in her marriage.

Follow that up with a nice card with a gift certificate enclosed. YOU ALWAYS want to be the kind and gracious one. But that doesn't mean standing in line waiting to be treated rudely.


-
Agree...but if you can't bring yourself to call her, or you think you would be too rude, then send a note.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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beaches
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Sorry to hear this Greta. It's especially painful when a parent is involved. And when an ex is in the mix, it's just doubly painful.

I am glad you spoke your mind. But don't doubt that that was YOU, not the Bartonella!

Neither my mom nor my MIL appreciated the effort I put forth and all I did for the sake of "family." I knew I was overdoing it and it was always to my own detriment.

Everything fell on my shoulders, as opposed to my contemporaries, whose parents helped them, babysat for their kids, hosted holidays, etc. etc. etc.

And when parents can't, for whatever reason, that's fine.

My issue is when they have unreasonable expectations and when those are not met, all hell breaks loose.

I have had significant health problems throughout my life, especially after the birth of my first child, which no one really could begin to understand, despite their lip service.

When I had my last baby and my home was turning into a resort hotel with its overnight holiday guests telling me of their dietary needs of "low salt" "low sugar" "low fat" "Chocolate Donuts" I pulled the plug.

I had a newborn and people were making these types of demands on me? Really? Bring your own damn low sugar/low fat/low salt dishes! And have some respect for a woman with health problems who just had a baby and is hosting you in her home!

I still invited everyone for the holidays, but I made it clear everyone had to leave. We offered to put close/older relatives up in a motel.

After my MIL passed, we found her journal. While reading through it, it was clear that despite my good and sincere efforts throughout the years, and despite all the invitations extended to her and HER family to attend ALL birthday parties, holiday celebrations, barbecues, etc, etc, she thought so very little of me.

The things she said about me were hateful and hurtful. I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her to not try so hard to please those who can never be pleased.

I'd tell her to cut the ties permanently to those who are toxic and destructive, even if means the MIL. I'd tell her to tell hubs to make a choice: your wife or your mother.

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beaches
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Yes, LT, agree... a note would be better than a phone call.

And look at this thread! Apparently NO ONE here has any baggage, including me! [Big Grin]

Good luck, tickalert in whatever you decide to do.

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tickalert
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I've tried the direct approach with this woman when I had coffee with her in August.

She denied anything was wrong. Apparently she's very passive/aggressive since she wouldn't tell me.

Maybe she just doesn't like me which is very obvious.

What hurts the most is that my daughter was subjected to her "mean girl" mentality and my husband.

Remember, her own brother isn't invited to the rehearsal dinner.

That says a lot to me.

Waiting for Kharma to get her.

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beaches
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You don't have to wait for karma. Karma does what it does in its own way and time, and that has nothing to do with us! .

You are right in feeling how you do about this woman's treatment of your daughter. Your daughter is first and foremost your top priority. Protect her from this person. You and she do not need anymore hurt.

I agree with you in that your husband and therefore his family should have been invited to the rehearsal dinner.

My understanding and from what is customary to my knowlledge, is that anyone being walked down the aisle by anyone should be in attendance.

Of course that's not a hard and fast rule. And I personally don't understand why close family like the bride's uncle and his family wouldn't get invited.

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Dogsandcats
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When I went thru the wedding thing- with Lyme- the harder I tried, the meaner they got......the angrier I got.

Lyme and anger then a step right add in bitterness...was not healthy.

It has taken awhile to shed those intense feelings and I feel better in that area.

So, your mind, soul and body are at risk when the toxic body snatchers come lurking around.....they lay in wait to see our people pleasing faces and smiles- and they rub their greedy little talons together and poof! They opened their vile mouth and spew......kind of like ghostbusters, we get slimed.

It's late, I will stop my body snatcher memoirs.

--------------------
God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.

Billy Graham

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randibear
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y'all know what I have been through both with him, his family, and heck, even my own.

so please please do not go. you are worth far more than this woman and her cruelty.

stay home and drink to the wedding.

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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tickalert
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Lisak, I'm not trying to fix anyone.

When someone deliberately involves my child because they don't like me, mama bear comes out.

My daughter didn't do anything to her...she's a victim of circumstance.

I'm not trying to fix this person...really asking for the truth.

She had every opportunity to tell me how she felt and didn't.

Instead she acts terrible toward her brother and my daughter.

I'm not going to this Wedding and feel good about my decision.

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tickalert
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Randibear, I made reservations for my daughter and I to go to a fondue restaurant.

We're getting dressed up and having a great time.

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LisaK
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why didn't she invite her own brother? maybe he was abusive to her? emarrassing drunkard? maybe that is why she is a screw up?

everyone has a reason why they are the way they are. being sick has taught me that if nothing else. we all need to realize that everyone suffers- even the mean ugly people.

but... that doesn't give them the right to walk all over people either. and being sick doesn't give me the liscense to treat even toxic people with hatred or meaness.

I also am seeing how my own toxic family members need to go away. love them but leave them is my new motto.

just this last weekend we had a party for our 16 year old son. I really like only one SIL out of 3 and husband's parents are toxic like ebola. but... here is another but..... my HUSBAND wants them in his life. and I have tried and dealt with that the best I can.

they have walked all over him and they have screwed him royally- not paying taxes that are now tagged onto OUR property- long long story. but what has become of that is we cannot move, buy another home, get any kind of loan, including educational for our kids, no credit cards...... they have been rude to me too , in very hurtful ways.

I tell my husband all the time when talk comes up of seeing them, that I want no part in their lives. it took him many years to agree that they are crazy, but he will not give them up as family. He was raised (Italian) that family is family no matter what. period.

so many stories I cannot even write here ..... they are super toxic. and it is generations of supertoxicity. it is amazing the my husband is as nice as he is.

I asked him recently, while we fight to keep our home, how an d why he can still look at his parents and talk to them. he said that God is giving him the strength.

what can I say to that????

so this last party, I felt so bad not inviting his crazy sister because he did not want to exclude her. I texted her about the celebration.

she an dher husband have raised a child that is one of the most obnoxious toxic brats I ever met. she is same age as my daughter and they used to be sort of friendly. a huge falling out occured when a sporting coach LIED to this girl and her family and said the reason her team folded was because of a certain player that wouldn't join the team.

they immediately assumed the girl was our daughter, which in essense it was, but the coach later told the rest of the organization he closed that team because they were not up to snuff and weren't worth the money to keep. he was the one that put our daughter on the better team and he used her as a scapegoat.

we found out the truth and confronted him. he lied and they believed him over their flesh and blood. they have not spoken to us in years unless we speak to them first.

the girl has been mean and rude to us for all this time and called our kid terrible repulsive names. and texted threats to me last month because she thought the kids and I were disrespecting her!!! then, this week at our party the crazy mom and daughter show up!

our daughter came over from college and saw her there and flipped out , saying we should have thrown them out. was she right? I don't know. I try and keep peace. but then they continued to be rude and neither said hello or goodbye to me. I don't know why they even came????/ why would they come here?????

it is terribly vexing.

so I sort of had words with the neice because I couldn't take it any more. and from now on they wil no longer ever be invited to anything we host.

the other two kids don't want their cousin around either, but they say they don't mind their aunt around "because she is nice to them". sigh.

I totally get what you are all saying and I think no one can know what is in someone else's heart, but it is hard when family is however they may be. we get torn. I don't think my husband could ever not have his family around. they have done so much to him and us and he still wants a relationship. Plus, I do believe that 99.9% of these crazy realtives in everyone's families actually doesn't even know how crazy they are.

tickalert, when you asked her what was wrong, she may have actually thought "nothing" because maybe she treats everyone the way she treats you and sees nothing wrong with that.

hey, people hurt people all the time intetionally , unintentionally..... it is what it is. Iam in a better place now, after being so sick, to stick up for myself becaseu I have realized life is short and there is much work to be done and not so much time for B.S.

I have been picked on , punched at, cursed at, ridiculed and on and on. by family and non family. I am not a fading flower or a wimp. I usually speak my mind and I walk to the beat of a different drum. I think that bothers a lot of people. I don't know why. and now I don't care. but if someone is mean to me now I shrug it off as their problem and just go aobut my business. I am strong enough for that now. it took a lot to get there. if you are not ready for that then I say yes, stay away.

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Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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randibear
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hey have a good time and when the divorce comes think of all the stress and money you saved...lol

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do not look back when the only course is forward

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tickalert
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randibear, your to funny! Love the comment.

LisaK my husband was invited to the Wedding not the rehearsal dinner.

He isn't abusive nor does he drink in excess.

He's one of the nicest men I know.

Previously I was married to someone who was very abusive and had a prescription drug problem. I know the warning signs.

I'm positive that my mother in law knows were not invited to the rehearsal.

Pretty sure we weren't invited because SIL doesn't like me.

This seems to be MIL's "second" wedding if you know what I mean.

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LisaK
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tickalert, I thought you were refering to another brother. sorry!!!!

my SIL got married and had every female cousin and SIL in her wedding party EXCEPT ME. she also got married on MY BIRTHDAY.

she had my husband in the wedding.

I would have gotten drunk to the heavens if I had not been pregnant on that day, but thank God because I would have probably gotten quite obnoxious, haha. I did do my share of crying tho.

It hurt me deeeeeeeeply. A year or so later I got enough courage to tell her how much it hurt me. she looked at me and said not one word.

after that I talked to my MIL and she said I wasn't in the wedding because she wasn't in mine. well....... I had a morning wedding with a small brunch reception - NO BRIDESMAIDS and only 50 people were invited. no one was in my wedding!!! not even my own 3 sisters.

they never apologized and never thought anything of it.

some people are totallly clueless . and I say forgive, forget, and forget them. keep your distance or you will have a lifetime of pain and needless suffering. they are stupid and numb to what it means to be real decent normal people.

good luck!

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Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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linky123
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I agree with the others that this is a great opportunity to teach your daughter that you can set up some boundaries where family is concerned.

We tend to think we have to put up with unacceptable treatment just because it is dished out by a family member.

But we don't!!!

Fondue sounds like a great idea to me!

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'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28

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Dogsandcats
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Tickalert-
So proud of you to take your daughter out to dinner. You two will have such a good time and hopefully she will know going forward how to put boundaries up around her when it cones to alien family members.

Watch out and don't answer your phone or monitor it that day or night.
Mean people have a radar that is pointed at you plotting to destroy your fun!

Have fun!

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God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.

Billy Graham

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Catgirl
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Some people will never see eye to eye because the person dishing out the crap has issues which have nothing to do with you or anyone else. The issues are theirs to deal with. They have their own pain/issues, so they pick on someone else to make themselves feel better.

Whenever I meet people like this (family too) I know that they have deep seeded issues. I say as little as possible to them (like Lisa said above), and wish them the best.

Don't waste any more thought on her. She's a vampire and if you get involved in any way shape or form, she will (emotionally) suck your blood and continue her behavior. As long as she sees that she's affecting you, she will keep at it. That's what vampires do.

And I wouldn't even bother going to the wedding. You and your daughter should go to a spa that day or out for a special lunch or tea. Your husband can tell them you and your daughter were busy--I doubt she will care (she will be too busy).

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--Keep an open mind about everything. Also, remember to visit ACTIVISM (we can change things together).

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Lymetoo
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Please reply here:

http://flash.lymenet.org/ubb/ultimatebb.php/topic/3/34412

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--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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