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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » dying marriage! (Page 2)

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Author Topic: dying marriage!
Gisele
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Thank you keeper for emotional for emotional first aid. It is palatable to those not in our place. I have shared this. I agaim looking for a new therapist. Thank you!!!!!!

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Robin123
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Hey, you're on page 2! So happy to hear you're looking for a new therapist! Gisele, I want you to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and start getting your life back, little by little, have patience, and the goal is to have a better time of it down the road...
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LisaK
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keebler,
lymetoo,
yes, I have done as you both suggest. I rarely complain. at least compared to how much I COULD complain.

like the other day I mentioned how something hurt "more" today with the weather changing,I think it was my shoulder or omething, I don't remember. and my DH said he didn't know that (my shoulder) gave me pain.

I told him, "yes dear, I don't tell you everything that hurts because I would never stop telling you things" with a smile. I could see he ws thinking.... he got really quiet.

my son told me he thinks I am faking it because no one could have gone through what I did and not been in hospital or dead, so I must have been exaggerating. he is 16 so I fogive him of his stupidity and ignorance.

My husband has told me a few times now that it pains him to hear about my lyme, etc. he cannot take it any more. and it isn't from me "complaining" becasue he has told me so.

I think it is a male/provide thing.

Gisele, that is why I think your husband is avoiding. I suspect he doesn't know what to do for you any more. he wasn't taught when the going gets tough the tough get going. or maybe he was, but just isn't emotionally or mentally capable.

my husband blocks out things when he is suffering from things he doesn't know how to handle that come from other people. my BIL does same thing- he has 5 kids and always gets a job working all night and sleeping all day and then complains about eerything. so obviously avoiding.

pain is like any other thing that needs or deserves a response to help let it out.

we can't punch a punching bag (or other people, haha) because it physically is impossible. we can't run it out, or eat it out , and we shouldn't scream it out..... what else is there besides telling a select few pleople that are as close to us as possible that we are hurting?

I guess I tell Jesus sometimes, and that helps, but I am a sharing person. I share everything with people I love. If my husband told me he didn't want to hear it from me any more I would tell him the same thing the next time he complained about anything. but my man responds well to that type of reverse psychology. maybe yours doesn't

I never found any therapist that could ever help me much. I hope you do. I get most of my help from reading and searching for my own help. when times get really tough all I can rely on is prayer. there is nothing else then.

just realize that it is a long slow process. just like most everything.

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Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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LisaK
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Gisele, I want to add that I know you say you don't complain. that is not what I am saying when I said that above near the bottom of my post.

I am just saying that maybe your man needs to know a bit more about how the other side is feeling/thinking.- the other side is you.

it sounds like you have held a lot in during your relationship, is that true?

do you have a journal that you can write in? journaling can reallly help us with our own recoveries and hardships. it sounds stupid, but it really can help.

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Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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WPinVA
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I haven't read or processed everything here. But when you said, "He spent every night looking on the computer for answers," that jumped out at me. That sounds like the actions of someone who loves you very much.
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Keebler
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-
Lisa,

a few posts up you write:

"keebler,
lymetoo,
yes, I have done as you both suggest. I rarely complain." (end quote)

I don't think I would ever suggest to not complain - at least not without some qualification to that.

If about expressing one's self, especially. I'm against holding that all in.

Although, certainly the definition of "complain" is often that of not being productive with one person on the offensive, putting the other to take on the defensive mode.

If my words were interpreted as "do not complain" something went terribly wrong with words.

It's just not that clear. One must have open lines of communication and be free to voice what's going on with them.

Oh, now I'm thinking it might have been voice tone I was talking about that really can tank any conversation when the voice tone is off kilter.

And this is why it's so important to seek out professional counselors who can help not just with sorting out issues, getting to the real issues . . . helping sort out WHAT to say to be to the point of the issues . . . and also HOW to say that,

including getting into the right frame of mind for certain conversations, asking if this is a good time to talk - or setting a time so that important issues can be discussed in a sort of business meeting, with all having neutral ground to lay concerns and work toward mutually workable solutions.

As for hurt feelings, that can be very tricky as to voice our deep hurt and not have the ears of others hear that as whiny. Again, a counselor is so very helpful and when one can be centered in the right place (of spirit, so to speak) the voice tends to be more appropriate.
-

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Lymetoo
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quote:
Originally posted by Lymetoo:

Lisa, I can relate.. Just tell him sometimes "May I just express what I am feeling right now because I hurt very badly? I don't expect you to do anything but listen."

Tell him what you need to ..
and finish it off with "I love you!"

-

I didn't say anything about "not complaining" either.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Gisele
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I feel like such a fool. I keeping asking him to go to couples counseling. He avoids talking about it. We are going thru a lot of turmoil with my son and his girlfriend. My husband said to me "he doesn't want to be with her anymore. Why are you forcing them together when your not in love with someone anymore you don't want to be together".

He said it like a growl while they were talking in another room. I feel apart later I could not believe what he said. How you go from being an amazing person to an idiot is beyond me.

If his friends, collegues or clients understood how he is caring for me they would be shocked. He still has a lady friend. I don't know what to think anymore! When I say should I look for someone else he says no. [bonk]

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Gisele
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No I haven't the energy to journal. I started a gratitude journal. I don't know how I made it this far holding my family together inaddition to being severely ill. I have never been allowed to complain since a child. My husband doesn't handle difficult issues well and is a hypochondriac. I listen to everyone else. I think my family doesn't even think of me as ill anymore. I got an ear full from my son at Christmas who is away at college. I can't bbelieve

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Robin123
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Maybe it's time to complain some! My opinion is that he should go to couples therapy with you - the therapist can help you both express what's on your minds and come to greater understanding of one another and what you plan to do in the future. It can be very helpful.

Maybe there's a way to make it sound more like a positive experience - say you want it, in order to help you both and the family. Maybe there's a way to say it with honey, instead of vinegar, so to speak.

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Keebler
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-
One thing to be very clear about when you ask again is that there is no goal - none whatsoever - other than for you two to talk, getting to the real issues and just express what each is feeling with no one trying to talk anyone into anything.

And there is to zero judgment. Zero. On either part. It is to be safe space for each to be.

If he feels like this will be a safe place for him as well as for you, that can make all the difference.

Expectations are also to be set aside during the process - other than for respect and honesty -- and effort in exploring.

And, yes, at this point it seems that a professional would be best to lead that journey. They can stop you when fluff is flying around and ask the real questions.

They can help you each stop trying to second guess the other and also help not to interpret the other's words by what you WISH to hear.

It's communication from the ground up.

This is neither to save nor end the marriage. As with happiness, one cannot just acquire it. It's a byproduct. Whatever the relationship moves to will be a byproduct of the skills acquired, work done and - well, whatever else the two of you will work out.

Counseling is to be a safe place for each of you to communicate thoughts, feelings without interruption -- to sort out key issues and needs of each as you move forward for whatever stage is next.

That may involve eventually reconciling the marriage. It may not. It may come to ending the marriage, it may not. Neither is not the goal of counseling.

The goal is to facilitate healthy communication so that it's possible to see the issues like an outline - get to know what you each need - and what common goals you may have -- before you make decisions.

This is about meeting in the middle - at the foundation and take a look at where there may need to be some supports added here, some stuff that is not working removed there. And how you each envision the end product.

Talking is easy. Words can fly out fast. But communicating - that is a real skill and a true art. And most of us are never taught to even listen properly, the first step.

Beyond that, most of us are never taught how to sort out the real issue. And when our emotions get in the way, it can be nearly impossible to sort that without a neutral guide.
-

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Robin123
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Thanks, Keebler! You've just spelled out what safe and effective therapy sessions are all about!
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Gisele
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Thank you. I know from another source he wishes to separate. He knows I cannot take care of myself and have nowhere to turn. How fair is it when we were good 5.5 years ago before I got sick and for more than 4 years everything was fine. We were looking to relocate to the city and spent lots of time looking at condos. After he was going to see them he begged me to come. I was exhausted, I still am. I sat him down and said at that time I couldn't go. I now wish I would have dragged myself. It broke the spell and ever since he has slowly moved away. Every time the reality of my disease is front and center he falls apart. The reality of my disease was too much for him to bare. Yet where does that leave me. I never ever thought to be here. I thought he couldn't deal with my disease which is why I never leaned that hard on him. It was excruciating to go thru this oddisey alone. I still have a good year 9r so

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Gisele
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I have done more for him than most women ever would. I put up with a lot. I have always waited for so long to be alone with him. Away from our 2 special needs children. Who took all my attention. Who still today & probably forever will need our help.

There needs are draining and my husband is incapable of being there for our children. I kept telling him to go to therapy for himself knowing all this was too much to take in. He had never gone before.

It seems the therapy has not helped at all to give him perspective or coping skills. He seems like my child rather than my husband. We have a new roof to get he just looks the other way. He doesn't want to deal with any reality than work and fun.

I am embarrassed at my husbands lack of coping with reality and the way he treats me. What grown man of 53 looks at his sick wife and goes and party and on trips with his friends. I know he is going thru his mid life crisis and doesn't want to waste his life with pain and agony. But I am living in the real he'll with no support

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Robin123
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That's too bad about your husband not being there to meet responsibilities.

Don't know if this is appropriate for you or not at this time, but can you think of anything you could do that would earn you a little money?

Or anything that would start to give you more of a life for you? You don't have to know what that is right away, but to be looking at the question of some life activities that might belong to you that you could start to engage in.

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Gisele
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I cant drive yet. I cant get to my Dr's on time. This has been going on since the last year. He doesn't seem to care. He took me to my pain Dr,but I still need to see my LLDR & my neurologist before my son comes back from college.

I was using my son's girlfriend but she is busy everyday now. My Picc line got pulled because it was clogged and I probably need another one. I tried to find a taxi service and I'm not having a lot of luck. Most are not in business.

I feel like I don't matter. My needs have no worth. He is going to be out of town for Easter. I said we could celebrate next week. We celebrated few holidays last year after over 34 years of celebrating all the holidays he didn't care.

If I don't know he thinks its OK to let it go.

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Gisele
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Im still very ill I cannot hardly care for myself. I rarely wash my hair because it is too hard. He always said he would help but he still has not. I need any good ideas for ENERGY!!

I know if I could clean he would be more happy. We have the money for help,but he never hired anyone. I thinks its unfair everything falls in my lap. 5.5+ years of little cleaning.

My house is a wreck. I feel like he has some ownership in taking care of things. Its like a child who closes his eyes & hopes it will go away

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Robin123
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Gisele, you do matter and your needs do have worth. You just happen to be partnered with someone who doesn't understand that and reflect that back to you. But you are a person on this planet, as much as anyone else.

No taxi service where you are? Could you keep trying to find transportation to get to the doc?

Any Lyme support groups near you at all? You could use some friends, I think.

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Gisele
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I feel unloved and rejected. Its like I have no worth. I have to go to where he is to sleep with him before he fell out of love with me which require me to go upstairs.

I just cannot recognize this person. He is depressed. I just want him to see how much better I am. I want him to see life in our family again as s

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Gisele
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I will carry on as always. I don't require someone to get me well. I have gotten this far almost strictly on my own strong desire to be well. If anyone had scene us before giggling like kids.

We have a strong bond. Our marriage was one people admired. If I had had his emotional support I would be further in my recovery. I don't understand how a partner can justify to himself that he has little responsibility.

How he even gets up everyday and looks in the mirror without disgust is beyond my comprehension. He should be ashamed of himself but he is not. Why is his life more important than mine.

Why he isn't responsible to give me some care that allows me a quality of life. He is teaching our sons not to live up to their responsibilitis. It is not the man I know. When I was so sick he choose to slowly move away I did not.

Why do I have no recourse. I need go to couples counciling. He doesn't want to go. I can't even get to my own therapist. He can schedule a car. I am shocked and appalled to see the man I love dissolve into this uncaring entity.

How sick do you have to be to let your wife rot while you are out having fun. I gave him so many idea's he is a very selfish man!!! I just think he is disgusting.

He still has his lady friend. What can I do. Ive said do you want me to meet someone else. He says no. I said I should get dresses up and go to the bar since he wont have sex with me even before this last year.

I don't want to get into petty actions. I just want him to talk to me and treat me with respect and kindness, as I have always done to him. Why I don't deserve that treatment is beyond me.

I have only tried to love him & our children. I have done all I could to makes his life and our children's lives seasier.
We shared

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Gisele
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His actions are already being reflected back in his children's actions. He thinks he is being a good dad taking his kids to hockey games, bowling & movies.

He doesn't want to have the deep talks and teach his boys to be men. He already acts like a divorced dad. It is disgusting. He wont make any effort to include me.

why I am not fun!! I don't know where my husband went, but it's like he is an alien. I know it is impart due to his lack of coping skills but this is ridiculous. Why am I stuck dealing with this.

I need peace, respect, & kindness I should always be treated in this manner.

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Keebler
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-
Gisele,

The pain of all this is one matter. The fear is another. The exhaustion another - and being ill & exhausted likely hampers being able to . . . (even think, for me, now, apparently).

Likely, no matter how my idea of a "safe" place to learn to talk again counseling is not going to make much of an impression if he is intent on not going.

Try again, and tell him you need help with all this communication stuff - as many do. And you would really appreciate his involvement, with no strings other than to open up good foundation for communication between you two.

As sad as loss can be, in my experience it can be made so much worse by continuing expectations that just don't line up anymore. We cannot make someone feel for us any particular way. And, usually if we sway that, it can spell doom, anyway.

I'm concerned that at least three times you suggest finding someone else, even now, right now - or getting dressed up and going to bars to find a guy so that you can feel loved.

Please, with such a tender heart now - and some bits of anger that can spin us into danger - that's not a safe direction to be headed.

No one else can just step in and fill the picture. You need to find and reclaim yourself first. Enjoy live on your own terms without a partner for a while.

Do not let fear to spin you like a top.

I have to stop now. can't finish any thought. Please get some professional guidance on all this, emotionally and legally. It just makes sense to find experts in these matters.

And keep trying to find independence as best you can with volunteer suggestions posted earlier for you. You have strength. And you can feel strong, just within yourself, even if your body isn't ready to rock 'n roll.

There are many ways your relationship might be reconfigured. You deserve some clarification. A good certified marriage & family therapist likely has some legal suggestions, too.
-

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momindeep
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I think when a spouse cheats it oftentimes causes the injured party to enact revenge and/or desirability...totally understandable but an unwise move.

Sinking to you husband's level lacks class and you sound like a classy woman Gisele.

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Gisele
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I learned today he is so traumatized by the last few years he can't even remember happy memories. We have been together for 33 years and married 28.

I was shocked. I know he is depressed. I know he never deals well with upheaval. I just never knew how badly this affected him.

No wonder he doesn't want to spend time with me. I feel so bad that we didn't go to couple's counseling before. I pushed him to go to his own counseling.

He seems worse from even that. I just wanted him to be as whole as possible to deal with everything on his plate. I just want him to be happy.

I only spoke of looking for someone else to see how he felt. He has a lady friend whom he is just friends with. I am glad he had someone to talk to.

It hurt my feelings when I have only one friend who is very busy. I now feel horrible for yelling at him this morning to see his shell shocked face.

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Gisele
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I wish I could leave to do something else. You guys don't understand I can hardly care for myself. I cant drive, cook, clean or wash my hair. Ive come about 50% but I have little energy.

If I push I get migraines & can cause me so much pain. Writing this gives me migraines. If anyone know a good way to get energy. I'm all ears. I take a good amount of vitamins or I would never move.

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Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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momindeep
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Is it possible to hire some help?
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin123
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Energy - I took flower pollen once and got steady energy from it. Magnesium can help relax muscles. I took Supermalic for a period once.

I still feel that couples therapy could be good for you both. You know, good therapy can be quite a relief, because a good therapist knows how to talk with people fairly, insightfully and caringly.

It kind of reminds me of what the police do here when they're called to deal with a situation - they separate the people involved, and then they ask to hear from each side what's going on, and they listen.

I've listened in, and each side gets to express themself without being interrupted and gets to be heard. It helps defuse the situation.

That to me is part of what happens in therapy, that there is really no judgment put on you, that you have the right to have the feelings you have, and what's needed in therapy is to mine that, to really realize what you feel and what you've been feeling.

You might find out that underneath all the pain that you and your husband are feeling right now could still be an abiding love, since you say you started out that way, and maybe that's still there underneath all this.

That's why I say you both should go, to find out where you're both at and what you're both willing to negotiate.

Just my humble opinion after reading what you're saying here.

[ 04-02-2015, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: Robin123 ]

Posts: 13070 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gisele
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Thank you. Seeing my husband's pain is what kept me from making him see how horrific this disease truly is. Trying to get thru this disease has been so excruciating!!

I don't know how I gotten this far without a major nervous breakdown. But I have, with lot's of perseverance, God, & my thoughts of love for my husband and children. I know I am going to get better!!

I've come 50%. I just went to my LLDR. During all of this my Picc line got clogged & pulled. I freaked out!! I have always been in control of my treatment. It was mindblowing. I went to get my line TPAed.

The nurse decided to tell my Dr I was acting odd & he felt the site and line looked bad. I'm sorry I was exhausted getting up at 7:30am 2 days in a row to sit for hours with husband waiting for them to get the TPA order. The site looked fine.

His idea's caused the Dr to order a drug test! I could care less I am so far, from overusing my pain meds. I'm still in lot's of pain!! Can't wait to see that nurse when I return to the IV clinic.

Hopefully the other nurse's, whom I have known for years, will help me rather than someone who just started. My LLDR is going to put it back in and ramp up my treatment. By the way my husband drove me.

He has taken me to all my important appointments. I told my LLDR about my predicament with my husband. He doesn't know that they know about us maybe falling apart.

I asked them to please help me, to get better as fast as I can. So they are demanding when my appointments are. I see a future now. I needed to make things be about me.

After all this time I'm putting myself first in most ways. I kind of did before, but I felt guilty. I have a terrifying disease that needs almost all my focus!! I hope this is the last year or so needed to push thru to finish my Picc line.

I still need to start couples counseling & find another personal therapist. Being off my Picc line has zapped all of my energy! I hope to work on that after doing our taxes. Thanks for listening! You have all been my Lyme angels!!

For only another Lyme patient can truly understand the horrific pain & turmoil we all suffer. It may be a harrowing journey, but we can all be thankful, we do not suffer with a more debilitating disease.

--------------------
Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

Posts: 51 | From Chicago | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin123
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No need to feel guilty about recognizing your own needs! To be on your own side is the first step to making changes, both inside you, and also people start to see you mean business, about taking care of your needs.

Yes, put it on the line for others to help, like ask, request, state to others what it is you need, you'd like help with, do not be silent anymore.

People try to say and do all kinds of things to us, which are inappropriate to our Lyme condition.

The more WE take charge of what we know and what we need, the better it's going to be. You have every right to be assertive in finding out what going on, considering whether it's right for you or not, deciding to accept a treatment or not. You be the choicemaker.

I think it takes alot to deal with others when we are sick. I commend you for your strength and commitment not only to yourself but also to your family.

You are strong and you are going to get through this!

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poppy
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It is rough to have to deal with this all by yourself, while still having to cope with others' needs, like your kids. And it is hard for me not to think of your husband as selfish and immature.

Just take steps in the right direction and maybe sometime down the road you will be in a better place. I think there are many women in your situation since they usually have to hold everything together. When they can't, the common reaction is not one of support from those they have helped for so long.

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Keebler
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Gisele,

Were you ever able to connect with the United Way to help you locate volunteers who might offer help in practical ways? There may be many ways to create a network for yourself.
-

Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gisele
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No I haven't contacted anyone for help. Things have been too complicated. My husband has been ill. I thought if I care for him he might get the idea. I feel so bad for sending this man to therapy.

I think perhaps the perspective was too much for him. He saw two different therapists. One said because he didn't want to come home to see me at the end of the day.

That perhaps he never loved me at all & should have never married me!! Who says that? He seems to be paralyzed by the therapy that I suggested! I feel horrible for pushing him to therapy.

I thought it would be a good thing, but even my own therapist has just pointed out a lot of bad things in my life. If she would not have pushed me I would not have pushed my husband to the breaking point!!

I even yelled at her for pointing out all these thing. My husband is just so over therapy right now! l don't blaim him after many months of therapy he seems way worse than before.

I think perhaps both of us need time to just focus on ourselves. Hope for the future! Both of our sons
will be moving back home for awhile! It may be the family time together to get him to remember the great times we have all had together!!

I know you may not understand but things have been OK. I speak up when things are too much in his favor! It's by know means perfect or where it needs to be. Believe it or once I am better I will not tolerate all of this.

I have changed. I want a full life. Whatever that is I will have to see! I finally got my Picc-line back!!! Now I am back on track!! :-) Looking for my silver lining in life & not looking back!

If anyone would like to correspond as friends I would be so greatful!! A lot of my issues stem from utter loneliness. Whoever sent me that Ted link, about mental health & loneliness, thank you.

I've shared it with others!! I spend >85% of my awake hours alone!! I need to have more in my life. The only people who can understand truly my plight are other Lyme ladies.

IF ANYONE WISHES TO CONTACT ME TO SHARE OUR STORIES & FOR MORAL SUPPORT PLEASE SEND ME PRIVATE MESSAGE!! It might be something to start! Many of us are homebound suffering endlessly!

Lymefriends would be a marvelous addition to your already stupendous services on lymenet! Just a thought ladies I know you must be exausted!!

Thank you for this forum to share our feelings! I might not ever forget what my husband said to me in anger, but a man who is so troubled who cant even remember happy times in the past.

He is very troubled indeed. He needs time to move on from these past hellish months & move to a
brighter day! Hopefully in time we will find one another again & rekindle our love!

It seems so unbelievable now that after coming so far that we will not make it through to the other side. We have overcome so many things. I need to stay focused & pray our love is strong enough!

Posts: 51 | From Chicago | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Keebler
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Certified therapists would not have such tactics. They would never say the things you / he were told. I am certain of this. Some people can call themselves therapists or counselors with no training.

Be sure that whomever you consult is a certified marriage and family therapist with educational degrees. A Ph.D. would be excellent, too, for such a complex situation.

Please do not assume that the processes you describe are legitimate therapy. They are not.

A good therapist, proper, trained, certified, will help you discover your strengths and identify points that need some clarifications, changes, etc. But this comes from YOU, not their making blanket statements or judgments.

A therapist will NEVER tell someone what they think or must have been feeling or what to do.

It's a discovery process guided by them, with the patient's own speed and comfort along the way being key.

A good therapist will help you learn how to sort through to find the real core of the issue (and THIS is the most important skill to learn there)

and then help you learn communication skills as to how to address that in a way that empowering to you and non-threatening to others.
-

[ 04-23-2015, 03:05 AM: Message edited by: Keebler ]

Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Keebler
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Please do make some calls to see what might be out there to help you with practical matters. The suggestion to start with United Way information (detail on page one of this thread) is that they have listings of all kinds of organizations and locations, areas of support, etc.

United Way does not help, directly, but certainly can help you find practical support options.
-

Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tickalert
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I divorced 9 years ago after 19 years of marriage, remarried 5 years ago.

First of all, is your husband willing to work on the relationship?

Secondly how do you feel about him now that he's told you this?

I think you need to take care of you. You might want to start by seeing a counselor.

It sounds like your in active treatment which is tough as we all know, along with having special needs children is even more challenging.

Would you be able to stop the IV treatment and work with oral medications or is IV the best option for you.

What did your husband say about the relationship and why is he bringing this up now?

I'm asking lots of questions simply to give you additional advice.

Is there a support group you could attend?

Sending huge hugs your way Gisele.

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Gisele
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My life is still a mess! I finally found out why he can't be kind or caring. He just doesn't feel it. It is so excruciating to think our 29th anniversary is almost here.

My husband says if rolls were reversed he wouldn't stay. I just feel so horrible. After years of fighting my lyme disease. I feel like I woke up one day and my husband I love & cherish is gone

and I don't know why. I know this whole experience has been awful, but he is just gone. He care about everyone else. He says he will go to therapy, but I brought it up. I want my marriage back.

I just feel if he still loves me but is not in love with me he would care for me better. I begged him to write a text that was kind and caring he told me today he just can't because he doesn't feel anything.

It makes me sick that he is so selfish & just does the bare minimum. I'm his wife I deserve more so very much more! I asked to take a family vacation for a week all summer he wouldn't do it.

He goes on lots of trips. He just got back from one. Even his children suck. He now openly says he's a bad husband & father. I don't understand how a good man just gives up. Why wouldn't one fight??

--------------------
Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

Posts: 51 | From Chicago | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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