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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » any moms or dads dealing with adult children with substance abuse problem?

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Author Topic: any moms or dads dealing with adult children with substance abuse problem?
lpkayak
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I d like to talk if you are. It seems like they are always your babies...but when is it not your business. When do you just let go?

20S, 30s, 40s...when the marry...leave your house...have babies of their own?

It seems the rules are all changed...they didnt start as kids...it was later with bosses and professors and adult peers

I have two that do and that dont. If i bringvit up it makes fights and they dont talk to me. If i dont bring it up i feel like im.not doing my job

All are married and indpendent and live far from.me

Id just luke to hear how others handle it

Thanks

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Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
steve1906
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I think a large number of parents feel the same way as you, but it's hard to intervene. As you said, it causes fights and they don't talk to you - very common....

Myself, unless they are hurting others, or the kids, I would keep my distance.

It's a personal preference, because some people feel guilty if they end up hurting or killing themselves.

Some people schedule a group/family intervention - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

It's hard, I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

I'm sure more members will be making comments!

Good luck,
Steve

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Everything I say is just my opinion!

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lpkayak
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thanks steve i had to do tuff love on one of my older ones years ago...he was hanging at house, partying, not working...i was sick and had little ones in house and was trying to keep my job so it was an easy decision to tell him to get a job or get out

we didint really talk for ten years...he was / is such a charmer he talked his friends parents into taking him in...one after another until he used them all up

then somehow he got his act together and we are pretty close now

it worries me to alienate them as i get older and sicker...i guess its up to their spouses or ppl closer to them...but the mommy in you never really leaves...so i am torn

thanks again. that was really helpful

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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Lymetoo
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I'm not a parent .. so I really don't know.

What about just saying to him, "You need to get help. I'm worried about you."

Period. Let him figure out the rest. You've made your statement. Send it in a letter??

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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lpkayak
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ive said it...the "im worried about you part"...i get attacked. verbally. i wouldnt dare say "you need..."

its helping to talk it out ive been concerned for awhile...then i think back to when i was his age...i did some off the wall things and no way would i listen to my mom if she confronted me...

im pretty sure its right to back off...

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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Lymetoo
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Sounds like a plan. A person has to hit bottom before he/she will be ready to do something about it.

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

Posts: 96227 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lpkayak
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i was thinking about crazy things i did and this popped up:

i needed more pasture and had a lot of wooded areas so i sold the wood to a guy and he left all the branches and stuff and the kids and i made three monster wigwam shaped piles of brush and i waited for it to rain and when it did i got a hose and lit them up and me and a 12 yo kid kept pushing them in...it never stopped raining...thank goodness

the neighbors got really scared...they didnt call me they called the fire department

when they came they didnt seem upset at all...they knew it was gonna rain for days and they saw we were watching it

but thats the kind of crazy thing i did ... if my mom was there she would have screamed at me and maybe had a nervous break down

i just want more grass for the horses

on that happy memory...of when my body used to work...hopefully i will get to sleep

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lymetoo
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That's a fun memory, kayak. I hope you got some sleep!!

We used to burn brush all the time in Texas. Nobody says a thing .. but then your neighbors are a long way off. [Big Grin]

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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lpkayak
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I had to message one of these kids about something that i know is going to make him mad. Not about substance abuse. Ive been putting it off for a week.

I suspect he will yell at me...and i will try to gloss it over...but i cant back down because to back down would give me chronic stress...and that would be really bad for me

It felt good to send the message...soon it will all be over

Its incredible to remember what a super woman i was with a full time stressfull job, two hour commute, barn full of horses and hiyse full if kids...how could i go from that to having trouble walking to the bathroom...lyme really brings you to your knees

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Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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Green Darkness
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Alanon meeting may help you. Check online
for meeting schedule in your area .

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lpkayak
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Wow...i never see you here. Its been so long. How are you. And thank you for replying

Ive done alanon when this was new to me with an older child

Now a second child is involved but it is very very dufferent in many ways.

I know the basics. I was kinda trying to connect with others goingvthru it when lyme is in the mix

I think.it is playing a part...not that its an excuse...just part of the problem

Good to see you! Hope youre doing ok

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Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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Maia_Azure
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quote:
Originally posted by lpkayak:


I have two that do and that dont. If i bringvit up it makes fights and they dont talk to me. If i dont bring it up i feel like im.not doing my job

I have an alcoholic sibling. Unfortunately, they have to want to change. Intervention of any type needs to be done with love and without judgement.

You can talk about the negative way their actions hurt themselves or you, but not in a way to cast blame but to set the parameters of your relationship with them.

If they aren't open to hear you, expect anger. They may shoot the messenger or use anger to cover their guilt or shame. And never have that conversation if you think they have been drinking/using.

--------------------
Sick since 2000
Bulls eye 2005
Dx Babesia, Lyme 2014

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lpkayak
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Thanks maia...that one is still hanging. I dont think i judge...i know many relatives who drink but they workand take care of their families and dont have the manic behavior

I worry and i know as much as i love him i will not be comfortable with him.in.many situations. At one point i was closer to him than any of them.

That might be why i feel.guilty for not being able to connect with him.like we used to

His sister is already distancing herself from him...and i understand why. So it is simethung she and i understand abdctht gelps her and i to be closer

And things are good with two others...so thanks. Im guessing i will keep distance unless he initiates and then hope a good conversation happens

[ 05-25-2015, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: lpkayak ]

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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LisaK
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I don't have this problem from a mother's side as far as I know! but... I was the problem for my mom. one of us 6 and there were more than just me , belieive me, that my mom never found out about. some never get caught and others ONLY get caught- like me.

anyway... I was ncughty and a middle child and so good until high school when I decided to be bad because I was tired of everyone tellimg me what to do. and I felt ignored (middle child) and unloved since birth pretty much. whether I was or not has yet to be proved, but my mom does tell me she loves me now once in a while.

she had her own issues with her own parents. that is another story. but she had a hard time expressing her emotions to all of us kids, but I stil lconsider her a fantastic mother.

so when I was a failing senior in high school I had two teachers that reached out to me. 2 that took me aside and told me I was screwing up. I always played cool, but this did strike me hard though I didn't show it then. one got my parents involved and that was that. it inspired me to try harder and that final grade for science was a 98 and coming from a barely 70 every quarter prior this was a great.

then after school (no college) I got a bit worse with my behaviour and was a big party-er. every night out at a bar and all hours and all that fun stuff. my mom never chided me at that age then, but she would ask periodically about me and always made sure I knew she wsa there to help.

one day I wigged out and had enough. she offered to send me money for counselling and I finally accepted. I don't know why I finally agreed, but it meant a lot to me that she never gave up. that I always knew someone cared. even though I pretended not to care about most everyone.

my recovery took years and it was more of a lifestyle than a certain drug addiction. but now I have a real heart for those suffering with any kind of addiction as it is really a life sucking , controllling force.

and I am also a tough parent. I ask a lot of questions and while my kids aren't perfect, I know they are better than I was at any age as far as staying away from the dark side.

so to sum it up, I say that as a parent to never give up . to be like Saint Monica was to her son, Constantine is what I think all mothers should model themselves to do. she was a pain in his a**, but she got him to finally see the light , and he turned his life around!

Saint Monica is patron saint of married women, alcoholics, difficult marriages, disappointing children, victims of unfaithfulness, victims of verbal abuse.

read about her here- christian or not, her story is amazing and she really was a person in history, just as he was:

http://catholicalcoholic.com/2013/05/31/saint-monica-another-patron-saint-for-alcoholics/

this woman is what inspires me to never give in. to never give up on my kids no matter how much they think I am nuts, or interfering or mean.

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Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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lpkayak
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But hes 32...he doesnt want my advice. When i offer he goes in attack mode and it scares me.

I would not have acceptrd help from my mom when i was 32

But others on here are like you. Once a mother...always a mother

I dont know if i can do it tho

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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LisaK
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my one younger brother sounds like this. he is 44 I think. He gets defensive. he grew up feeling not good enough in school becasue he had trouble with reading and remembering. but he excellerated in sports and social life. but he did get into his share of trouble.

I have 5 siblings. my oldest sister is like this too. you have to walk on eggshells to 'suggest' something to her. but she over acheived in school. she always had to be at the top of everything.

I think some kids (no matter what age) are just open to change and help , and some are defensive. it's hard no matter what age you are to break through the molds our parents and siblings put us in, and equally hard sometimes for us to break out of the molds we put ourselves in too.

just do your best while at the same time trying to think one step ahead of what you think the reaction might be. that's what I try to do. I tend to blurt. it is a constant battle with myself. so I have been working on individualizing my aproach for each person whenever I can. it's alot of work, but it helps me to realize the differences in people instead of lumping everyone into one category.

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Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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lpkayak
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ty

its complicated...like lyme

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Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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Lymetoo
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quote:
Originally posted by lpkayak:

I would not have acceptrd help from my mom when i was 32


-
Keep that in mind. [Smile]

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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Maia_Azure
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quote:
Originally posted by lpkayak:
Thanks maia...that one is still hanging. I dont think i judge...i know many relatives who drink but they workand take care of their families and dont have the manic behavior

And things are good with two others...so thanks. Im guessing i will keep distance unless he initiates and then hope a good conversation happens

There is a difference in alcohol/drug abuse and addiction. Abusing a substance can mean they need a redirection in life.

If there is an addiction, it can be complicated. Addition is not so simple than making different choices. And the framework for addiction has been laid down long before you've thought about broaching the subject!

There is a fine balance between being genuinely worried for someone and bringing it up, and nagging at them to the point where they shut you out.

Denial is also a terrible obstacle. Oftentimes I've learned the hard way that I am attempting to engage with someone with a completely distorted sense of reality.

I'd probably resent my mom confronting me. But most addicts resent any messenger. Mom or not.

--------------------
Sick since 2000
Bulls eye 2005
Dx Babesia, Lyme 2014

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lpkayak
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I pmed you maia...

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Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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LisaK
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good points Maia.

and I don't like ANYONE telling me what to do EVER.

so I relate to that. if my mom told me I drank too much I would probably drink more.

just as an example. but I am sure not all people think this way. I realize I am a freak of nature, ha.

--------------------
Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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lpkayak
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Lisa i was like that for a really long time. Now i dont care that much what anyone says or thinks. I do what i want. I like it that way

--------------------
Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself.

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