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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » Wounded Hearts !

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Author Topic: Wounded Hearts !
Gisele
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Is it ok to have your spouse be unable to be kind, caring or having any interest in your life? I feel mistreated & so unloved. We were to be together forever. He is so weak!! He makes me sick!

He finally said he can't deal with what happened with my illness! That was almost 6 years ago! I'm so much better. He won"t be bothered. It is all so sad!! I'm trying to go on but what is he giving me!! Almost nothing!

I have been so patient & so kind. I feel like a fool, but I know there is a chance to save my marriage. I have to stop asking him why he won't be my proper husband, why i deserve this horrible treatment.

I feel so emotionally spent I haven't dripped for days! I know all of this is so wrong! He is going on trips, leaving on my own, & coming home late when I can hardly care for myself.

No one except myself thinks he's horrible! I don't know how anyone can be so cruel. I could never ever!! I get to a good place and he wounds me all over. I am not getting better & he is holding me back. I just don't know what to do!

--------------------
Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Robin123
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I guess, having said what you've said, I'm wondering why you still want to be with him. Do you think you might feel happier living on your own, without him?

I am single and don't have to put up with someone who doesn't care about me. My relationships are reciprocal in life, for the most part.

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beaches
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It's called divorce.
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Robin123
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Thanks, Beaches. Sometimes we don't get what we want. Then it's time to cut our losses. If anything, it's important to realize that other doors can open up, so to speak.

Also, it's possible your area could have community services available? Always good to find out what's available to you.

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robbiem
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I know I may be stating the obvious here, however, the weight of this illness takes its toll not just on those of us that are sick, but with our loved ones as well.

If you value your relationship, then perhaps it's time to put aside your hurt feelings, roll up your sleeves and head into counseling for yourself. There are many therapists/counseling available to those who are bedridden. If you are willing to commit to that, then the next logical step would likely seem for you both is to enter into couples therapy...

It's far too easy to feel victimized by being so sick. Understandably so. It's also a sad reality to lose sight of so much after your life and relationships erode from the fallout of what these illnesses often bring to those of us that are struggling. Feeling like a victim isn't a rarity by any means, but it is a liability. Life isn't always fair to anyone. Making the most out of that fact and learning ways for the both of you to better deal with it, might help in finding your way through to a better place.

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Green_Where_You_Water
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Gisele, I am not married but have been with my boyfriend who I live with for 5 years, so I basically live a married life.

My boyfriend means well and wants to call himself supportive but he often isn't. He usually just victimizes himself when I'm sick, like "this is so stressful having to do everything myself!"

I was only diagnosed with Lyme 2 weeks ago, so I know we have a long road ahead of us, and it wasn't starting off well at all.

We own a business together on top of our normal 9-5 jobs and despite knowing that I'm fighting Lyme, he has been pressuring me so much to get tasks done, victimizing himself, and being very non-compassionate.

Last night I sat him down and made him watch "under our skin". I told him that I know this is really hard on him, but he couldn't imagine what I have been feeling like.

I told him we need to be there for each other. That I will be there for him when he is breaking under the stress, just like I need him to be there for me.

He cried and pretty much changed his attitude overnight. He told me that, with the business, kids, house, errands, etc. He just didn't know how he was going to manage and thats why he has been acting how he was.

I reassured him that we will both get through it like we always do.

I am in no way saying that my situation is anything like yours, because it isn't, but I did realize last night that this is a lot on him too, and it will likely become even more on him.

I definitely agree with robbiem that both individual and couples counseling is a great idea!

I really hope that you are able to get to a place with your husband where you are working through this together rather than alone.

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GretaM
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"I am single and don't have to put up with someone who doesn't care about me. My relationships are reciprocal in life, for the most part"

Yes me too. Ending a relationship that caused me stress was the best thing I did for my lyme treatment and my mental health.

I live with ZERO guilt. I don't feel guilty if I don't clean my house for a month, wear the same pants for a week. Never do my hair, or hibernate.

I also don't feel guilty if I want to spend the entire day outdoors, beside a creek. Spend grocery money on a concert instead.

I never realized the underlying guilt I felt in that relationship. Constant nagging guilt at just about everything.

No I never feel guilty, and everything I do, I do for myself.

Best thing I ever did, saying goodbye to Drama.

I'm sorry you are going thru this Giselle. Have you considered leaving the relationship?

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Robin123
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Thanks, Greta - want to add that I too have wanted to cling to relationships in the past and had to learn that a relationship needs to be mutual to work, that if it's one-sided, it eventually falls apart. And yes, there can be a grieving period.

What is it? Eliabeth Kubler Ross's stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. They're natural stages we go through re loss of something we want.

Then I think the important thing becomes having a good relationship with oneself, to be on our own side! As in I'm doing the best I can; I can always learn more about what's going on; I can try to learn more about how to help myself, including how to find community services with people who are not disabled and perfectly able to assist those who are.

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A.G.
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I took care of my husband when he had Lyme. Yet he did nothing but cause me stress and gaslight me after. Lyme changed his brain to an abusive degree toward only me.

I left him the day before my picc was inserted. Hard with children involved and little $.

Stress makes this illness worse. I know I would be dead if I had stayed because my spirit was slowly dying and my immune system was so weak.

You are not alone.

[group hug]

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LisaK
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yes, this is a tough one.

you love him and he probably 'loves' you the best way he know, which probably isn't enough at all for you (or anyone)

a lot of men I think have this issue- not knowing how to love. I blame their mothers because that is who I blame in the case of my own husband. wheather it was her or not, that is just what I believe.

anyway.....

does your man tell you he loves you at all ?

my husband went through a terribl etime with things for a long time. he would keep to himself. pushed us all away. me and the 3 kids. now they all have a strained realtionship, especially the youngest. I wish things were different and maybe if I never mairreid him it would have been best,

but I made my choice and although I drive him insane, he also makes me insane. so , who is right????

neither of us believes in divorse.

I have taught my kids to make SURE they know who they are marrying or they will end up very unhappy.

this is probably not helping you. sorry.... let me see....

I think it would be much much easier for me to be alone in all this nonsense of tick disease. but , I really do love my husband and my kids. to me, I made that decision and made a vow to God that I would keep it. to me that is huge. and not easily broken.

in my opinion- and this is only my opinion- if I were you , if I could, I would seperate for now. go live with someone if you can. like parents or a sibling. somewhere you safe free to heal in peace. then go back to him later. that is what I would do all over if I could. like in antique times people used to go to a sanitarium and there are still some today.

maybe there are for lyme? I would love to go.

everyone is rigth in what they are telling you because it was right for them. you need to find what's right for you.

I know what my husband went through (which he did come out of after lots of soul searching, prayer and some limited tick treatment)was probably mostly cuased by tick disease. maybe your husband has it too? it is sexually transmitted. most couples have it. and rage and all that is part of the sx.

best of luck in whatever you decide.

--------------------
Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen

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poppy
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I decided a long time ago that it worked better to care as much about someone else as they care about me. Try not to go past the midpoint. If they can't meet you halfway, then they are not worth having.

Have gotten to the point of keeping track of how often they talk about themselves. No interest in what I am saying or who I am, toss them back in the barrel. I am sorry to say that too many men have been allowed to dominate relationships and take more than they give. And I do not blame their mothers for this. It is in the air they breathe, but it has to stop somewhere. They assume it is the normal state of affairs and resent attempts to change it, recognizing the advantage they have.

Acknowledging some exceptions. Wish there were more.

[ 09-29-2015, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: poppy ]

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Gisele
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Please understand I had a good marriage of 29 years. We were together for 33 1/2 in total & were 19 when we meet. My parents & sister don't believe I'm even ill & also don't care anything about my marriage falling apart.

My husband is just very weak he does love me just not in love with me now. He is 53 and needs to grow up & understand his responsibilities. I have no where else to go & no one else to turn.

Except for 2 special needs kids & one friend whose there most of the time, but lives far away. He has broke from all the pressure he has a very demanding career, a burdensome family who are of the country, dealing with our 2 special needs kids which he is not successful at & his taking care of & obligation to me.

He spent years every night looking on the computer for what was wrong with me. For over 4 1/2 he was my husband dragging me to doctors. Without him I would not have gotten well!

Right after Christmas almost 2 years ago, he looked & acted so bad I was scared he could die so my son & I took him to the hospital to make sure he wasn't having a heart attack.

Luckily he only had a very bad anxiety attack but he stayed over night in the hospital anyways. It was brought on by spending 5 full days during the Xmas holiday.

Even though I work hard to not let my family see the worst parts of this disease. He could not handle the level of my dysfunction. We had spent years looking for a condo to move to back to in Chicago.

After raising our kids for over 20 years in the suburbs. He begged me to go see a condo he liked & I had to tell him I cannot go I just haven't the strength. Its like I broke our dream.

I wish I could have dragged myself to see it, because I love the city. The last 7 weeks have been disgusting learning how little he really cares. I knew we were struggling but he has made a new life with friends.

I'm 65% better getting ready to start a new treatment & physical therapy. My doctors are thrilled with my progress but my husband couldn't careless. He has to entertain clients & go to events as part of his job.

The day before our 29th anniversary he had just gotten back from our son's college parent weekend which I was supposed to attend, but due to his behaviors & carelessness I was to weak to go.

So that Sunday I was happy to see him & asked about going to dinner for our anniversary. He said I have this event tomorrow it means alot to me & my career I'm sorry. No I'll make it up to you.

I was blown away! He treats our anniversary like nothing. I stayed up all night I went and in the morning asked why he always makes me promises & never keeps them & why he doesn't really care.

I left him a very nice gift with a card & he could not say happy anniversary all day long. He goes on to take a shower. I went and drove away even though I had not driven 5 years.

He called & said where are you come home, that's it over & over. I said I just need to know you really care. He said I'm late I'll take your prescriptions to Walgreens.

I begged him please don't go please over & over. He said come home. On the way he realized what a grave error he had made. It was the first time I heard my real husband in a long time.

It was the worst day of my life & when I called all he spoke about were facts about things to be done. That night I thought he would be thoughtful, but the calls were not more like I was an annoying person.

I was at the end of my rope I thought I would die or have a nervous breakdown. I shattered into little pieces. By the grace of God I did not. I did learn I could live without him.

I always thought on my darkest day he would be there for me! He knows that he screwed up really bad, but 2 nights later after me trying to tell him what will happen if we divorce.

He yelled the most horrid disgusting thing he could say. I couldn't believe my ears. He knows he has to do more than I apologize or I'm sorry. At this time he is unwilling to take anytime off of work or tell me what I need to hear to make up for what happened.

Unless we separate so he can think about it. I believe he will just party everyday! I can't care for myself alone! I started looking for places to move to, but realistically I still have a picc line I'm not strong enough yet.

It's so hard we went to our first marriage counseling appt. It was bad he pointed out some the things he can't stand about me, including taking meds & other things from throughout our whole lives together.

I don't get how staying out all the time, doing a few nice tasks for me, and not being able to tell me anything kind, comforting, or caring nor giving me hope is the how a husband act or helps me get well. It's emotional abuse & it stole my self esteem!

I'm stuck for now but I will never feel the same for him. It's like an alien took him. He is a shell of his former self it is so sad, but I deserve more. No one at all really cares what I feel, what I'm going through, or what I need.

I feel scared & all alone & I have more treatment to do! While he does on 10+ vacations a year & stays out last 3-5 nights a week. He refuses to take our family anywhere. We used to take 3+ vacations a years!

How he can he even look at himself in the mirror each day & not be disgusted! He was upset at how wrong my parents were & was going to call them. Yet he is exactly the same as them.

To make matters worse I now know how little he cares about me & he told me the most on the very same day I learned about my parents & sister not caring that my life is imploding is just cruel & unusual punishment!!! Hard to know what to do!

--------------------
Homebound with Lyme since Nov 1, 2009. Diagnosed with Lyme & confections in July 2011. IV antibiotic therapy for 4 & 1/2 years still on oral. Originally ill in '97 with arthritis that quickly spread to all my large joints, then CFS & fibro.

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Robin123
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Gisele, I just went and looked at Illinois support groups here - two are listed in the Chicago area - have you made any contact with anyone in these groups for some support?
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