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» LymeNet Flash » Questions and Discussion » General Support » Friends and losing them from Lyme

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Author Topic: Friends and losing them from Lyme
Neko
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Hey all,
I'm having a bummer of a week. From the most unexpected place. I've cut many friends out of my life, except for two who I regularly talk to. It's hard maintaining friends while sick, and of course, I don't want to inflict my Lyme misery on them.

My best friend is someone I've always kept in contact with, and she finally lost it on me. I stuck by her in her 10 year battle with depression, I flew out to visit her when she could barely get out of bed, I listened to her negativity and complaints for years and tried to encourage her.

Fast forward, I get Lyme, and she, through surgery and therapy, has changed her life. She cut out negative people. She just had a serious health scare, and went off on me.

She told me I need psychiatric help, that I'm the way I am because I want to be this way. That if I continue to 'dump' on her, she will cut me out of her life. That I refuse to get help.

It really blew me away, considering she dumped on me for years, and never had a conversation with me about changing what we talk about. Now that her life is fixed, and she had a 'real' health crisis, obviously I've been depressed for 5 years because I don't want help.

How do you deal with this?

The truth is I AM getting help. I moved so it's true I wasn't seeing a regular therapist, but I've been trying everything. I did therapy for 3 years (didn't help), I've tried drugs. I decided currently to work on my Lyme and co-infections and fix my gut...in hopes that reducing inflammation will help me. Can't fix my depression without fixing the Lyme.

I really resent the thought that therapy and medications alone could have helped me. I can't even talk to her I am so upset. I've flown out of the country to get help as well, so I'm just so angry anyone would suggest I'm not trying. I try so hard.

I do more than anyone I know to get better. Yes, I've had problems with depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD that was triggered during the time she yelled at me.

I'm just so bummed and betrayed, she was the one person who I thought would stick up for me. Or at least not yell at me.

I guess you can't explain to someone how losing your job, your relationship, your apartment, your life...to go mooch off family..isn't something that just fixes itself. I can't t just have surgery or do therapy and be cured.

I guess I'm the most angry that she fixed herself, then yelled at me because I hadn't fixed myself yet. Like her life is new and improved, and I'm the wet noodle she has to remove. I'm still in a state of shock.

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Jordana
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When people get well, they leave the sick world. They don't want to re-enter it mentally until they feel safe and stable. You probably represent the "not well" portion of herself and she wants to suppress that for now.

It's like getting out of prison. Do you hang around the gates talking to the inmates? Nope, you get away as fast as you can.

She'll miss you and come back to you, if she's a friend. And one day you'll get out too.

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healthywealthywise
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Oh Sweetie, when anyone you know wants or needs to let go, you have to let them. It doesn't mean they have their lives together and just can't be there for you anymore. It's that they can't take it.

I'm more concerned about your saying "you let people go". Why? Did they challenge you? Try to help you get better", not coddle you when you needed coddling?

Think about it. You have the answer inside of you. If you cut somebody out, why not call them today? Just to say hello and to see how they are doing? If someone cuts you out...let them go and maybe, when they are in a different place, they will contact you again.

Lyme++++++ makes us all sad, needy, angry and hurt. Not fair to think they have bad feelings about you nor act as if you are the center of their world. Something else bad might have happened to them today. Or better yet, something really good happened to them and they are just off enjoying it.

See? It's all how you think about it.........only trying to help, from someone who has "been there" more times than you know.

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Lymetoo
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I'm very sorry you had to experience that. I hope one day that the two of you can get back together. Keep the door open and try to understand her point of view.

As Jordana said, she's probably doing this for self-protection.

I hope she realizes her mistake in handling this so poorly. She could have been nicer about it and been gentle with your feelings.

[group hug]

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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healthywealthywise
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Lymetoo? I have to say that you should get an award for giving the best cyber hugs.....you are great at that.

Just noticed it over time. You are a lovely soul......

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Keebler
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-
We don't loose friends because we become ill. Some people just cannot handle the reality of it. They may be judgmental or just very tender - or any place in between.

Some can be abusive, and that is no small element in many relationships where there is a power (health, money) imbalance. This is no small issue and I've seen it many times in my own circles, too. Bullying has many shades.

After cutting loose some who've done that to me due to my health, after some time, it is freeing, actually. I do not want anyone as a friend who does not want to be a friend to me -- and, especially if they have their conditions in how I must be in my very own body.

I don't think it's possible to loose a REAL friend. Sometimes, though, when we've shared so much or been "some kind of friend" along the way, it can ache to loose that when two paths separate.

Trust issues can be huge in "how could I have really thought / felt like we were real friends" when someone shows their true colors.

Very often, it may be more about them and their abilities or lack of such in handling anything they see as hard. Everyone has a level at which they just can't be in a certain situation and it may not be at all what we think as the real reason. They may not even be aware of it, either.

We can't know all that makes up their emotional inner self and we just have to trust that we still count and that we can manage - and that we will make good heart connections of all kinds in days to come.

When we loose our (former) friend - er, people we thought to be friends - who just need to be around ONLY happy, together, fully healthy, fully capable and successful people. This might help put that into perspective

as we stand tall in all ways that matter.


http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/03/21/the-middles-realpolitik

Review of TV show & a book

. . . "The Middle" (in reference to the outlook of the parents) . . . .

. . . Barbara Ehrenreich’s book “Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America,”

she dissects the darker history of positive thinking, the cult of optimism that has, in recent decades, she writes, metastasized into “an apology for the crueler aspects of the market economy.” . . .


http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=113758696

Author Interviews

'Bright-Sided': When Happiness Doesn't Help

NPR Talk of the Nation - Updated July 15, 2011, orig. Published October 13, 2009

30-minute audio interview & article / transcript
-

[ 05-13-2016, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]

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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
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-
www.teachingchildrenphilosophy.org/BookModule/TheVelveteenRabbit

The Velveteen Rabbit

A discussion of how this book can help teach children (and adults) a very human philosophy.

What is reality? Who is real?
-

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Jordana
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[Smile] . Keebler.
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randibear
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I agree with keebler. uh did I jus say that?? lol...

butin all honesty, it's better to let them go and close that door.

i thought I had two friends. yeah right. so one day they sat me down and told me in great detail how all my problems, including my marriage, were all my fault. my poor husband yada yada yada.... now that I think on it, they were bullies, pure and simple. more my husband's friends than mine.

I was emotionally devastated, like you but I tolerated it and said well that's your opinion. she was a nurse and should have been aware of lyme.

anyway, i never went back. I cut them out completely and I was never sorry.

true friends are with you always. my dear friend who died. the kindest, most gracious, giving person I have ever known. she was so ill but we always supported each other.

I doubt if you'll ever renew that "friendship" and if you do, it will be strained.

let it go. as momma used to say "why focus on one flower, when the world is full of them".

--------------------
do not look back when the only course is forward

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Lymetoo
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Thank you, healthywealthywise!

--------------------
--Lymetutu--
Opinions, not medical advice!

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tickalert
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Keebler well said.

Personally, I was always understanding when I had two friends with terminal cancer.

Maybe your friend who went off on you isn't really your friend?

If she is your friend, she would be supportive, loving and caring no matter what situation your is.

A friend doesn't judge you, only accepts you no matter what situation your in.

I'm going through a situation with a friend who only wants to hang out when nothing else is going on.

We have made plans, with her cancelling since she had a chance to get her hair done or decided to do some thing with her boyfriend instead.

I was the one she cried to when her husband up and left her.

Any time a boyfriend dumped her, I was always there to support her.

I noticed when I talk to her about what's going on in my life, she changes the subject.

I've decided not to call her or put any more energy into the relationship.

The bottom line Neko is you need to concentrate on you. Having positive relationships is what we all need.

Having extra stress from any one is not a healthy place to be in especially when your ill.

I wish you the best of luck on what ever you decide to do.

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Neko
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There is many layers to this that make it difficult. We've been friends since grade school, we are so close we even share a family plan, which she has given me two days to get off of (and will probably cost me a few hundred to get a new phone)

The shocking part is I have been there for her through everything, mental health issues, family divorce, suicidal thoughts. I've flown down to get her out of bed when she was depressed. I've listened to her complain, be intolerant of people. She's cut out people in her life before, she always says it's for her own mental health. Now I'm wondering if she's not just a bit off the deep end.

I've been going through my Lyme issues..,if she had asked me to keep them to myself I would have been hurt but accepting. This was without a warning.. Suddenly I'm the negative influence in her life.

It's interesting to hear her talk about positivity and going on a healing journey ...but being positive does not mean you have a right to be cruel. Cruelty and intolerance is NOT positive.

She recently had bariatric surgery and my other friend said that people who go through that sometimes have serious mental health issues....I imagine like treating Lyme, rapidly losing weight releases things...hormones and things stored in your fat.

So I completely understand going through a difficult time. I'm going through a difficult time, the difference is, I'm not mean. I'm kind. Understanding. I don't direct it at her. I share my feelings, but if she asked me to stop I would have. This was no warning.

A friend told me she's obviously having a mental health crisis. And she's blamed it on me, and that's not my problem.im just in such a state of shock.

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WakeUp
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The word "projection" comes to mind. People often project their own complex issues onto their family or close friends--- which can come as a total shock.

Projection can be extremely destructive, and it must be addressed in a loving--- but honest manner.. If the projection does not stop, then you need to kindly disconnect from this parasite of a person, no matter how old the friendship is. You cannot be her punching bag!!! You have your own problems to deal with. Love YOURSELF.

Tell her that you love her, and that you expect kindness and consideration from her--- not judgement.

Remind her about how much and how often you listened to her problems, and how you never once complained about her whining when she was fat and depressed.

Tell her that she is being unfair to you, and that she needs to do a bit of research on Lyme disease before she judges you as needing psychiatric help.

Personally, I do not think this person is a good friend for you, no matter how old the friendship. Any friend who calls you "insane" is not a friend. With friends like her-- you don't need enemies. My cousin recently did this to me--- everything she accused me of -- she was guilty of herself. Classic "projection" designed to crumple me into a heap.

Well it didn't work.

This "friend" has sucked enough out of you-- don't give her more until she gives something kind and good to you..

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Neko
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Yes she is projecting! She's never done it to me in our over 20 years of friendship so it's been quite shocking.

I think in her mind she was giving me 'tough love.' But she knows how I've struggled to be taken seriously with my illness, so to tell me I am a sick person with psychological issues is egregious.

I'm depressed, yes. I have trauma, yes. But I have help and support. I also find when I try something new, my symptoms flare and that's just normal.

I believe she has borderline personality disorder, so there is not much I can do. She requested that I don't talk to her while she 'moves to a more positive place in her life" it's super manipulative and controlling, she made an incorrect statement about my illness, then cut off discussion do she can be right.

I went a good two weeks all depressed thinking my Lyme disease had destroyed our friendship. But this was on her, not me. Just not what I need in my life while I recover!

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