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Posted by Tracy9 (Member # 7521) on :
 
My Body has Betrayed Me

I am living each day
Jailed in this broken body
That surely can't be mine.

This body doesn't move well,
This body can't talk right.
This body bumps into walls and doors
It stumbles, it trips, it falls.
This body is a cruel imposter.

This body is bloated and shapeless
It doesn't fit into my clothes or shoes
This body can't run or even walk some days
It can't exercise without falling into a heap
Of feeble useless exhaustion.
This body is a fraud.

The body is stranded in some insidious wasteland
Where used up shells are forced to reside
Suffering through some pathetic half existence
Worthy of only the lame and hopeless.

Not even in my college days
Of pulling all nighters to cram
Or partying till the dawn
Or popping diet pills to lose five pounds
Did my body rebel like this.

Not even when wracked with fevers
Or wretching with flus
Or twisted and stretched past all possible limits
With the agony of childbirth
Did my body surrender like this.

I am locked between the frustraton of being misunderstood
And the sickening emptiness of being pitied.
Somewhere in between I am forced to exist
Wishing for understanding and empathy
Without sympathy and sorrow.
Yearning for friendship and strength
Without fear and avoidance.

My body has betrayed me.
God, help me to remember
That as long as your spirit lives in me
My spirit still lives.

My spirit still lives.

Tracy A. Will
April 5, 2008
 

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Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 
OH my! I think I need to frame that!!!

Awesome job!... from your favorite elementary school teacher [me!].

Says exactly what I feel right now!

[ 05. April 2008, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: Lymetoo ]
 

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Posted by TerryK (Member # 8552) on :
 
A well written poem. I completly understand how you feel. I used to feel the same way about my body. I felt so betrayed and wondered how my body could misbehave so badly.

Once I knew about lyme and co-infections, I understood just how very hard my body has been working all these long years to keep me alive. Not an easy job with all of these infections. Many people don't manage to stay alive because as hard as their body tries, it just can't do it.

I've come to understand that my body is my friend. I love my body for trying sooooo hard to keep me alive. I thank my body everyday for another day, no matter how agonizing. That extra day gives me and my body a chance to conquer these nasty, life destroying infections.

Both of our feelings are valid of course but I think the body deserves some credit for all that it does for us in the face of the terrible war that we are fighting.

Terry
 

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Posted by disturbedme (Member # 12346) on :
 
I agree, this needs framed. It's beautiful. Thanks for writing such a beautiful piece!
 

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Posted by feelfit (Member # 12770) on :
 
It's a poem, not to be debated, but to be seen for it's awesome beauty.

Thank you for sharing Tracy.

Feelfit
 

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Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 
I battle the "I hate my body" and "I know I'm supposed to love my body" all the time.

[ 05. April 2008, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: Lymetoo ]
 

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Posted by TerryK (Member # 8552) on :
 
feelfit,
I don't want to participate in a flame war but I want to say that my intention was not to debate the poem or the feelings that it portrays. I thought I voiced that but if not, I'm voicing it now.

I was making my own observations from my own experience of almost 50 years of illness. I find that my spirit and body respond much better to feeling love towards my body than anger which is how I used to feel.

I hope it's OK to share our feelings. My feelings are no reflection on the beauty of Tracy9's poem.

Tracy9 - if you feel offended - please let me know and I'll delete my posts.

Terry
 

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Posted by breezywings (Member # 9222) on :
 
My eyes are full of tears. You described how I feel so many times.

Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel at different times during our illness.

I am going to hang this on my fridge and mail it to my relatives.

Many blessings to you.
 

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Posted by WildCondor (Member # 434) on :
 
Sending you hugs Tracy :)We have been there too. Thank you for sharing that with us.
 

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Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
 
Thank you for the beautiful words that describe so much of me.

My spirit lives on too.

Hugs,

Geneal
 

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Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
 
thanks for sharing, ive been feeling just like that poem for the last week.....i thought my body would never pull me thru.
 

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Posted by Tracy9 (Member # 7521) on :
 
Thank you everyone for the support and kind words.

TerryK, what you posted was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Your words have helped me immensely. In writing that poem today, I was fighting for a way to feel better. Your words about our bodies being our friends by keeping us alive and fighting were perfect. Thank you so much. I did not see what you wrote as even contrary, but as inspirational and a way to turn my discouragement into grateful hope. Thank you for that.

I had tickets tonight to Cirque de Soliel, purchased many months ago before financial disaster struck. I told myself come hell or high water I was going. I wanted to enjoy a night out with my husband and two children, feign a little normalcy, try and throw the kids a dose of "we really are a functioning family" even though we aren't.

Today was one of the bad days. I woke up (at 3 pm) in lots of pain, and oh so stiff. I was so tired I felt I couldn't stand much less get ready and go to a show.

I took a shower and dressed with many, many breaks. Then I stopped and wrote the poem, because I had to get this off my chest.

My husband drove and with my cane we got there. I am VERY grateful for the handicapped parking tag that just arrived in the mail a couple of days ago.

It was hard, and I was in a lot of pain, unsteady and exhausted, but the show was great. We went to TGI Friday's afterward, and by the end of dinner I FINALLY engaged my 18 year old son in conversation. He chatted it up with us all the way home.

Since my kids rarely even make eye contact with me, that was enough to make me feel it was all worth it. A few minutes of connection as a family. All worth it.

Thanks again to all for taking the time to read my poem. I think we should all write one or two, and then have them published in a book.


 

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Posted by charlie (Member # 25) on :
 
Tracy

I had no idea you could write like that...it's impressive and to the point and better than anything I could ever do.

Maybe you missed your calling??


Charlie
 

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Posted by TerryK (Member # 8552) on :
 
Tracy,
I'm so glad to hear that you found something useful in my experience.

Wonderful that you made a connection with your family. My daughter is always lamenting that I've missed out on so much of her life. Recently she was voicing hurt feelings that I don't invite her and her fiance over to dinner much anymore.

Frankly it is much harder to manage since I've been in treatment. It's been almost 2 years since I started treatment. Your experience inspires me to work through the pain and fatigue and just do it. I know it will be worth it even though it will be very difficult.

Terry
 

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Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Tracy9:
Thank you everyone for the support and kind words.
TerryK, what you posted was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Your words have helped me immensely. In writing that poem today, I was fighting for a way to feel better. Your words about our bodies being our friends by keeping us alive and fighting were perfect. Thank you so much.

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