I am 28, F, single and have had Lyme since I was 19.
I was wondering in what ways other single people feel Lyme has interfered
or not interfered with dating, being single, etc.
***
An interesting question came up for me yesterday.
I was seeing a man- and we were discussing getting back together.
One of the topics we discussed was having children.
I'm at a point where, I haven't found a tx that has improved my sym. significantly in 9 yrs.
I don't think my body could take the burden of pregnancy, nor do I have the energy to care for children.
My potential partner is concerned that I will become well one day and want kids.
Since I've been ill, my dr.s were constantly telling me that wellness was just a _____ amt. of time away.
The days became weeks, the weeks, years, and now a third of my life has passed.
I have mixed feelings regarding these types of life decisions.
I wondering what questions other people ask themselves, or what factors they use to decide life's bigger decisions?
Thanks,
Kado Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
it has interfered with me a lot, most of my symptoms are in my pelvis. So, its just not doable to date right now.
I dont have much to offer, I just wish we could all be healed from this horrid illness.
Posted by Kado (Member # 4731) on :
I can relate to that too:(
This has been quite a challenge without even thinking about relationships or children.
Thanks,
Kado
Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
do you have pelvic symptoms? I feel half human.
Posted by Amanda (Member # 14107) on :
Hi Kado,
This is a tough one. Maybe we should start a singles section on the site! HA ha, it might actually be fun!.
I'm 39, got sick when I was 36. I am single, no children. Lyme has been hard on dating life, for sure. But sometimes that is because of my own attitude. When I do meet a man, I never know what to say, I mean, I have some somewhat embarassing health problems....
"It nice to meet you Ted, my name is Amanda, oh whoops, forgive me, I've got bladder control problems and just wet my pants"
Not too sexy that one....
I think as far as having children, that will be a personal decision. I know several women who have had children and breastfed them, and did not give the children Lyme (they take abx). One thing these womwn had was lots of outside family support from parents and siblings. If your already unwell, you will need a lot of extra help.
Amanda
Posted by canbravelyme (Member # 9785) on :
It sounds like he's asking you a question that you can't give an answer to. How could you know whether you will change your mind and will want children "one day"?
You're only going to know that "one day". What is he really up to by asking that question?
I had a very difficult time being single. I am now in a relationship 2 years, and he is my saving grace.
BUT I was preyed upon by one predatory man..
I wish there were ways that we could support each other further, so that we don't need to get into relationships. For me, this need left me vulnerable.
And to reiterate, what I'm working on these days is realizing that the reason that one modus operandi doesn't really work, is because we are (I am) constantly evolving, therefore decisions must be made on a case by case basis.
Much love,
CBL.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
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Kado,
First, you said " My potential partner is concerned that I will become well one day and want kids."
Does he not want children? It does not sound like it.
I wonder if you can put lyme aside and think of if you would want kids otherwise. Same for your partner.
Independently, and independent of current roadblocks, what do you each want?
It is essential that you discuss that, own it, share it. Then, compare notes. Talk some more. Then, assess practical matters and how, together, that all feels, now and looking ahead.
However your health progresses - at whatever time table - and if you want children yet are concerned about the ramifications to your health - or if you could pass along lyme - you may consider adoption for various reasons of ease to your health.
Still, you also need to know that there are many women who, even with lyme - and the correct treatment - have had healthy babies. Others may have transmitted it to the child. With care, though, you have a far better chance planning in advance.
The moms here will offer their suggestions. I've never been a mom but before I was married there must have been a part of me that knew I was not very well as - early on - I told my fiance-to-be that I did not want kids (I knew I could not stand noise and I got very tired - I just didn't have the energy but did not really know why at that point).
He said he was fine with that and we really did not discuss it further. I did ask him twice if he was sure.
Years later, in a failing marriage, he admitted that he had lied to me and assumed that I would change my mind about kids. I begged him to go with me to counseling to work on the marriage but he said if I wasn't going to have a baby there was nothing to discuss.
I thought about adopting an older child who would require less physical work but he'd have no talk of adoption. By then I knew something was very wrong with me, but fibromyalgia and (misdiagnosis of lupus) was all the doctors could come up with - with no ideas for how to get better. Nothing could save the marriage. The foundation had been an illusion.
So, see, my reason for asking you to really know what you want and really discussing it is that this issue is something that can make or break a marriage. And, if you want kids, but choose it's not the best choice, it's time to start sharing disappointments, too. It's all part of knowing each other.
It may be painful to ask yourself what you would want in absence of lyme but you have to know what your soul wants.
If you want kids and decide it's not safe or workable for whatever reasons, at least you've come to a thoughtful decision. And, you need to do that for yourself first, then together.
Also, if you enjoy children and feel adoption may be overtaxing there are still plenty of ways you can be around kids and involved. Plenty of ways.
And, if your demeanor or situation - or your inner voice - just doesn't hear that call, that's fine. You've looked at it and know what's in your heart. Clarity can give you a good fresh breath.
I suggest that you and you and your partner consider seeing a certified couples' counselor to work through this matter as well as other issues. Planning ahead, learning how to best communicate with each other can be the saving grace.
It's not easy so, the very best of luck as your work through this.
(oh, as this is about as personal as I ever get, I'll probably delete it as soon as you read it. It was too long for a PM. )
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[ 27. May 2008, 03:23 AM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by not so sublime lyme (Member # 15185) on :
Keebler,
That was fantastic advice, so please don't delete.
Kado,
My heart goes out to you...that's a lot to think about even when you are well with a clear head. Good luck!
Posted by sixgoofykids (Member # 11141) on :
So, it sounds like this man does not want children? Why not? I know you have a valid reason that you don't feel you could have them, but why doesn't he want them? Sometimes people have valid reasons, but if it's because he's too selfish or immature, I would be concerned about spending a lifetime with him.
Would he still want YOU if you were healthy? Would the relationship still work if you weren't as dependent on him? It may just be the medium that one of your comments came across this way.
Do you really love him? What makes it so that my husband and I can compromise throughout our 23 year marriage is that we can't live without each other.
Don't think that just because you are ill that you have to settle for less than that.
Kids are a real issue here, too .... be sure you're not compromising there so that you don't make a decision you regret later.
I hope this came across right ... it's a hard topic to discuss on a message board. I'm just trying to give you food for thought ... they're not questions I actually expect you to answer other than inside your own mind.
Posted by Peacesoul (Member # 13709) on :
I'm 41 and never wanted kids. I'm neither immature of selfish, I just never wanted kids. It's a huge responsibility and I have enough in life to take care of.
I say focus on your illness and getting well. If this guy you're with is a great guy, then don't let the future of kids decide your fate. Leaving someone because they don't or do want kids is pretty selfish to me. Kids should not be the make or break. True, unconditional love does not work that way in my opinion.
Posted by METALLlC BLUE (Member # 6628) on :
This is a nightmare question for me. I would like to have kids. I'm male, so I probably provide a different perspective here.
I'm not sure how this process will work, given I couldn't manage to raise a family without financial support, without a job -- I guess I just have to cross these bridges when I get to them.
My partner right now is ill as well, and she is adamant about not having kids -- which I understand, but it's one of many obstacles that Lyme and co-infections produce.
Posted by Kado (Member # 4731) on :
Hey y'all-
Thanks for your contributions. It's a tricky subject for most everyone.
I'm still at a point where I wonder (and so does my partner) if this is the right relationship for us.
We've had some good talks and we're learning and growing.
I have to run to work, but I'll check the board in a little bit.
This is a very meaningful conversation, and I appreciate of the responses.
Kado
Posted by cjnelson (Member # 12928) on :
Ok...coming in from a different perspective here. I am single, divorced now, at 39. I already have kids, 2 of them. Even in my illness, which has been difficult to say the least
in caring for them at times. But no more than I think my friends have..just differently. See if I wasnt ill I would be more active working etc and would still have the same struggles...
how to get them here or there on time, etc. So it is just different than the norm if you will. But I couldnt imagine my life without them.
Now I would not want to risk cross infection with the knowledge, that is for sure.
BUt I agree that this is a personal choice. As far as the kids go.
As for dating. I was divorced for almost 7 years. THe entire time I was getting sicker and sicker and did find dating rather difficult. I ended up dating one guy for quite awile and I had
convinced myself that I HAD NOTHING TO OFFER because of my illness and that I had found someone who was still willing to be there so I married him!
Well....I found out rather quickly that was not the thing to do. I didnt realize how much i settled until it was too late and only then did I realize that I just thought I would end up alone
if I didnt. Then I realzied I would rather be alone than to be with someone who is not good for me just to NOT be alone!!!
It does get very very lonesome sometimes even with kids....we are human. But dont settle thinking that you wont ever get anything better just because of your condition.
Ok...that may have been all over the place and not make much sense, but wanted to share anyway! Lyme brain bad this day!
Posted by barksplinter (Member # 13249) on :
I'm not single but I think it might be appropriate to bring up the subject of Tick Borne Diseases as STDs.
My LLMD said they do not know if Borrelia is transferred through intimate contact... but they KNOW Babesia is.
I personally was tested at the suggestion of my wife's LLMD and was positive for 11 of 14 IgM bands on my Western Blot. Our Borrelia strains are different. Our 2 strains of Babesia are the same as well as the strain of Erlichia we both have.
This is an issue that single or married should be discussed with their LLMD.
Posted by kmm215 (Member # 15666) on :
Just curious, how do people break the news to potential partners that they have Lyme? In my case, I didn't know until I developed Bells Palsy that I had Lyme, so that usually leads into the discussion...but initially when dating, I feel like I'm hiding something? When really, I don't want to scare them away--which the Lyme seems to do anyhow? I also live in a Lyme endemic area, so I'm thinking that its not the fear of getting it...but the fear of dealing with it? Where I live, anyone can walk out the door and get a tick bite while mowing the lawn or taking the dog for a walk?
Wondering how others deal with this? This is the biggest obstacle I've found so far. I'm lucky in the sense that I've been able to work full time, live on my own, have an active social life, no children (although I'd really like to someday!!), I treated with antibiotics for 3 years with my first bout of Bells Palsy/Lyme and I recently had another round of Bells Palsy to the other side of my face and it happened in the midst of dating a new boy...needless to say, it scared him away quickly! Not that I can blame...but it does make you feel a little sad? As I'm in the midst of the latest round of antibiotics...I'm wondering if I'm handling this whole dating with Lyme thing correctly??
Any advice will be much appreciated!
Posted by METALLlC BLUE (Member # 6628) on :
Been down that road countless times Kmm. It doesn't seem to matter how I presented the information. It always ended in disaster.
Upfront and honest is my best recommendation. Just remember they'll tell you "Oh, no big deal, I can handle it"
Most of them can't. Some might though, so that is where there is hope.
Posted by Dawnee (Member # 15089) on :
Personally, if Id known back then that I had lyme...Id likely have chosen not to have children. I would not want the chance of my kids contracting it from me. There was a post just today about a woman who was 8 months pg when she got infected... and now her 2 yr old has lyme. So I don't believe for a minute that it doesn't cross the placental barrier or come through breast milk.
Posted by kmm215 (Member # 15666) on :
Thanks Blue
As if dating isn't confusing enough...got to admit that this throws a major wrench into things. Started dating someone else a couple of weeks ago, told him about the Lyme a week ago...and well, that was the last of him.
Its just so frustrating...
Posted by Kado (Member # 4731) on :
Hey gang,
you all have brought up a lot of great points.
1. When/how do you tell the person that you're dating about Lyme?
2. Does being chronically ill influence the type of person you date?
3. Can being ill affect who we choose to date/marry? Are we at risk for "settling" b/c we feel like less of a "catch"?
I'd love to keep this discussion going-- this is very interesting.
Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
i think if and when i ever get well enough to date again, i will probably date someone who has been thru a medical crisis of their own. Especially if I still have symptoms.
Those who havent had their health taken away have no clue what its like.
I dont think I will settle, ive done that in the past, I just think I will look for someone with this common bond between us.
For those who run if you mention lyme they arent worthy and most likely are not relationship material.
Posted by kmm215 (Member # 15666) on :
When I was first diagnosed 6 years ago, I was in a relationship...and while it ended (2 years ago), it wasn't because of the Lyme/BP. Actually, his unwaivering support is what made me overlook the other things, I was just so grateful that he was supportive of me. So yes, it did affect what I was willing to deal with.
I then dated someone for year, who again--understood, his nephew also suffered from chronic lyme. But I did feel like I was settling because he was so understanding and just wasn't happy...nor was it fair to him?
So I find myself out there again, and have been doing this dating thing. Its weird, my friends think I should keep it to myself, because I have been able to adjust to a 99% normal existence. But I feel I'm not being honest to myself and I know I wouldn't be being honest to my potential partner?
Its a tough call?
Posted by kam (Member # 3410) on :
Just my two cents worth. But, I think it is the characteristics of the person and not whether or not they have been through a medical crisis of their own.
I have been around people who have the same symptoms I have but lack empathy for others or awareness.
it is a special gift that most people I find do not have.
it is a characteristic that I think is very important and wish I had thought about sooner.
I see a single guy pretty routinely at the dog park.
The other day, I showed him where what is called the Eagle's Nest here in town. It is a decking built in the woods by a beautiful boulder with a beautiful view.
You need to be able to walk a few feet to sit on it.
I am not sure why he was not willing to give it a try and he was not willing to explain why.
he is able to walk the few feet into the dog park and out.
I wondered at that time...once I get my walking skills back so I can be in the forest and at the beach more....
if I would be willing to be with someone who was not able to do these things like I am not able to now.
I guess it depends on the person.
And if they were willing to find a way to be outdoors..if at all possible.
Being outdoors and around nature is a big priority in my life.
Being around someone who shows respect and love is also a big priority.
Ok stopping now. Totally forgot where i was going with this. Posted by NanaDubo (Member # 14794) on :
I agree with Cantgiveupyet. If I were in the "dating scene" I would most likely be looking for someone who had been through a health crisis or at least had a close family member who did.
We all know there is no way to understand how this freaking disease feels if you've never had it.
I have been in a live in relationship for 10 years and there is a large age difference between us.
This might be a whole other topic but I always feel like I am ruining his life. He is so loving and supportive but I wasn't ill when we got together.
Two years later I was and he has gone through a lot with and for me.
Eight years later we are still together because of who we both are. Relationships and communication can be challenging even when you are in the best of physical health so I would be sure to get this whole issue of having children out on the table if were you Kado (and of course I'm not).
Those of you raising young children, my hat is off to you. I don't know if I would have children or not if I were younger and had LD. That's a tough one.
I do know that when my grandkids are here and put Sponge Bob on the TV I am ready to dig my grave!
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I'm just trying to give you food for thought ... they're not questions I actually expect you to answer other than inside your own mind.