After being slapped down by a flareup of symptoms after several months of relative quiet, I find myself suffering from incredibly powerful anger and loathing. Intense feelings of hatred towards everyone and everything - I've been able to convince myself that I've hated and been hated by everyone I've ever known. Even sleep brings no relief, just endless incredibly violent dreams. My thoughts and actions are abhorrent - perhaps Lyme is the hell I rightly deserve?
I sure hope these feelings pass someday; somewhere ages ago I believe I might have been a decent person, but I'm damned if I can find him under this monster. Thanks for reading this and letting me have this small confessional.
Posted by sixgoofykids (Member # 11141) on :
Oh, yeah, when I knew I was the worst person on the planet, I knew a heck of a herx was starting! Hang in there! I don't know you, but I'm sure you're not half as bad as you're thinking right now.
My family used to laugh at me (out of my sight, of course), when I'd really go into a rage. I haven't had one in a long time, so hearing them now describing me throwing everything out of the pantry to find something then making them put it all away is very humorous as they narrate it.
You'll get through this .... and you'll be a better person for it .... you see the ugly side of yourself, so you'll be more beautiful in the end. Posted by ticked-offinNc (Member # 15420) on :
Sixgoofykids is right. Try to laugh. I know it is hard, because you are in such deep pain.
I am sorry you have to go through this.You feel anger at everyone, and everything. Then you feel angry at yourself, because the anger is not the real you.
Just remind yourself, that the infection affects your brain, and your emotions. The only thing I found that helps,is to be by myself when I feel this way, or to distract yourself with a stupid funny movie.
Then I can laugh, or take it out on the movie, instead of my family.
Please be easy on yourself. I know it makes you feel bad about yourself, and can be scary, but you are not a monster.You will get through this.
But even so, I hate this symptom the most. I am with you .
Posted by disturbedme (Member # 12346) on :
Did you ever treat Bart or have a positive for it?
Bart can really cause anger and dark thoughts. I went through that in college for sure. Also have anger issues here and there but it's gotten much better with treatment.
Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
sixgoofy, my family is like that too now.
I was much better when i was on levaquin, i have bart, so for me I think this is a bart symptom.
bitrex- ever treat bart?
Posted by Bitrex (Member # 13103) on :
Thanks for the replies, folks. I've never tested positive for Bartonella - I've only ever tested positive on the Western Blot for Lyme disease. My treatment regimen for the past year or so has been pretty much oral doxycline, and I've experimented with low-dose Naltrexone for pain management.
I've been very timid in trying new treatments as I attempted the Biaxin/Plaquenil combination around this time last year and had a reaction so severe I ended up in the hospital. I have severe problems with my vestibular system, and I learned after the fact that Biaxin can be ototoxic - I think that was what I experienced as I was so furiously dizzy I couldn't walk.
For a while in the spring and early summer of this year I felt fantastic, and I thought that maybe I was on the road to beating this thing. During a flare all my usual symptoms are magnified - body pain, vertigo, anxiety, fatigue, tinnitus, and of course "the rage." Also more floaters and flashes in my eyes than usual.
The only other unusual sign is that when these symptoms spike I get an ugly mottled rash of some kind on one or both hands. I'm not quite sure if "rash" is the proper term to describe it - it usually doesn't itch and kind of looks more like broken blood vessels under the skin. Could this be a Bartonella sign? I'll have to try to get a picture of it next time I see it.
Posted by Mo (Member # 2863) on :
my son has experienced a recurring red rash on the hands attributed to bartonella.
the rage factor can be intense with lyme, bartonella, and mycoplasma. i haven't met anyone yet with cns symptoms who was truly only dealing with lyme.
when we used rifampin years ago for myself and my two kids, then 2 and 12 .. we were doing synchronized linda blair impressions ala herxheimer - or jeckle and heimer as i like to call it.
my teen now is back on rifampin and the fun really starts when these neuropsych symptoms are thriving beneath generalized anxiety and other teen stressors.
this can be a monster disease. hang in there. knowing the core problems causing the symptoms can go a long way toward getting through this. there are a number of infectious diseases that can effect the brain in this way.
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[lol]](graemlins/lol.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)