I'm exiting again. I only came back to let people know my progress, or lack of. My life is over and will never ever be the same. I feel since treatment began I'm in a prison watching everyone else from a window live their life. If it's not my health then it's other things that are being taken away as collateral.
I feel nothing I do is good enough. I finally got my own apartment last November at 37 and well that's not good enough. I get my first real fulltime job and career almost 3 yrs now that I love and well, not good. When I wasn't working I was lazy. When I am working well I guess I must not be THAT sick then, right? Or, my job is making me sick, I'm working too much and doing more harm ...guys I can't win anymore with anything or anyone. I get it.
Apparently I'm doing lyme treatment wrong. The fear mongering I received abd watched others get. Not eating the right foods, etc etc. I'm trying to keep my head above water. I couldn't put all of my finances into funding this disease and going into medical debt, NOT HAPPENING, others do it fine but I myself choose no.
Paying my rent in one of the top states with the highest housing costs , needing a new car soon and hoping I can survive another winter with it, paying groceries (healthy as I can afford), other monthly bills and still try to go out and have fun once in a while and feel "normal".
Health is your wealth absolutely, I echo that daily, but at what cost. I need to be more realistic. I can't lose more because if I do, well it'll make things even worse and it'll literally kill me guys.
I saw a picture of myself from 5 yrs ago (to the day) on Google photos, I knew exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was happy, it was a candid picture but I was still smiling authenticity. I was DIFFERENT. Where is that girl because I'm trying to find her everyday but I belive she's gone forever
Theres a small chance I could comeback as a success story, very slim. Until then I cannot count on it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? For some it wears you out, for good.
Take care guys. đź’š
Posted by Bartenderbonnie (Member # 49177) on :
You have come to a community where our worst fears are realized on a daily basis. Everyone deals with their new found circumstances differently. There are no judgments here on LymeNet.
When my pain levels are uncontrollable, I enter the SAME headspace you are in. Being in the dark place is very difficult, it’s very ugly and very scary. If I can lower the pain number, I can lower my anxiety levels and re-enter reality.
It is the disease that controls our thoughts! This is NOT who we are.
I notice my Babs rearing its ugly head when I start craving and eating sweets, deserts, and carbs, carbs, carbs. I feel better when I eat this junk yet it’s feeding the parasites. I also start picking at the nails and cuticles? Crazy right? These diseases MAKE us do things that we know we shouldn’t do, we lose control.
It’s NOT our fault.
The fact that you still remember better times is telling. It means you still stand a chance to return to that better life, because you WANT it!
If only you get to a place where you could lower your obtrusive thoughts, I believe you could get better.
We will always be here for you đź’š
Posted by hiker53 (Member # 6046) on :
Best wishes, Mountainview. Posted by Mountainview (Member # 52772) on :
My anxiety is getting worse by the day now I feel so sick. Back in the day I would sleep to "escape". Now theres no escape because I'm up alot during the night and now having nightmares. My worries never ever settle. I wake up and its back to ground hog day.
Mods- please permanently deactivate my profile. Thank you.
Posted by mlg (Member # 35383) on :
🙏🏼🙏🏼
Posted by bcb1200 (Member # 25745) on :
Sorry to hear, Mountainsky.
I know you've had a tough road. That is really tough.
But I firmly believe there is always a root cause and always a way to treat. You just have to find the right approach. Which takes time and can be frustrating.
Don't give up hope. Keep fighting. There are people far sicker than you who are now well. You can be that person too.
Posted by lymewreck36 (Member # 4395) on :
I’m so sorry. Right there with you.
Posted by Phoiph (Member # 41238) on :
I would really like the chance to try to help her, but unfortunately, she always responds with a "hard no".
Just being open to having a conversation can lead to possibilities and opportunities; you just never know.
I hope she's still reading this and knows that the offer is always open.
Posted by Mountainview (Member # 52772) on :
Phoiph, I've had many things and harm done to me without my consent. Your constant push to help and cure me is not welcomed. I have severe control issue. It's so bad that.....
I have blood and clots coming out of my rectum my pcp is extremely concerned. I told her I'd wait till the first of the year to have a procedure since we are extremely short staffed at my job and she said waiting that long for a procedure could be life changing. I'm refusing to do anything now and doing what I finally want to do, WHAT I WANT TO DO with my body finally. All the physicians that do those procedures are male so I am further declining. I'll consent to an MRI or CT, that's it. I'm told I'm giving too much grief to alot of people so who cares and that I deserve this. My future is just too grim. I cant do anything right.
Posted by Phoiph (Member # 41238) on :
I hear you, Mountainview, and will not offer again.
Posted by hiker53 (Member # 6046) on :
Mountainview—if you get the procedure before year’s end you don’t have to start over with a deductible on your insurance.
It would be cheaper (and better for your health). Is there a women gastroenterologist near you?
Or you can just give up and continue to be miserable. (That is sarcasm)
You know we just care and Phoiph was just being caring.
Posted by Mountainview (Member # 52772) on :
No I'm not bothering with it, at all. If ppl were in my shoes, they wouldn't bother either. Just be another statistic and money symbol for the pharma bros? Nah.
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)