kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I listened to a fellow lymie this week talk about some issues in her life.
It had to do with boundaries.
This is a big issue with those of us who are not independent at this point and need help from others.
Personally, I have noticed that some come along and help and others come along and want to control and turn your world upside down.
Others come along and will respect your boundaries or not.
Some need to be told what the boundaries are.
If they do not respect those boundaries our lives are better off without them.
Our health comes first.
This boundary business is tricky business.
When do you close the door completely and when do you continue to let them in your life?
Sometimes it takes a while for the dust to settle so we can really see what is going on.
I find that I am much slower at figuring things out since coming down with this neurological disease.
I was just beginning to teach a class on boundaries and communication before I came down sick.
I was learning myself as I went along. I had some good resources and teachers who had put the program together.
But, darn if I can recall now what those resources were and what I was teaching.
I was hoping to start a thread on boundaries so we could help each other out.
I was hoping to do a little teaching myself on the subject.
But, for now..I guess we just have to wing it the best we can.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
hi kam,
boundaries; i think it should be known UP FRONT WHAT THEY ARE; NO guessing!
if both parties know this, things can go better in my opinion.
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tdtid
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10276
posted
Good topic Kam. Some people seem to mesh together so nicely and others clash instantly.
Respect is important and to accept that no one is going to be your carbon copy...heck we wouldn't want them to be. And all the different varieties help the world to go around.
But yes, you have raised a valid point. Where is the line drawn as to what is and isn't going to work in helping others. And what do we do with the person that honestly means well and yet they are really just making it more difficult for us.
As I had mentioned to you awhile ago, I am crawling out of my skin when I'm having a kind soul drive me somewhere (I'm not driving at this point due to some symtpoms still out there that wouldn't make it safe).
But when they want to pick you up and blast the car radio...I'm seriously wanting to crawl out of my skin and if I wasn't desperate for the ride to the doctor or where ever, I'd probably get out of the car. Have tried ear plugs and plugging my ears and they still don't get the hint or just don't care.
But when we are dependant on others...most of us don't like this feeling at all, so we go around and around in circles of wishing we could undig out of our hole.
Hopefully some good topic will come up on how to set up boundaries without driving people away, since if most of you with lyme have dealt with what I have, those great friends that were always there when we were healthy, don't seem to be around anymore now that we are sick. Soooo sad. But the story of my life.
How are others feeling about the boundary topic? Good job, Kam.
Cathy
-------------------- "To Dream The Impossible Dream" Man of La Mancha Posts: 2638 | From New Hampshire | Registered: Oct 2006
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
For me one of the most important boundaries are the one
Where others "minimize" your struggle and/or illness.
My family (sisters) are famous for that.
It makes me so mad that they can have and voice an opinion as to how I should live
Where I should live and how I should feel. Especially when it comes to treating my children.
Ouch!
The other is don't assume because I don't look sick, I don't feel sick.
I hate it when I feel like I've been run over by a truck and someone says
But you look like you feel better.
What is that supposed to mean?
I work hard on forgiveness of others. Lack of interest in even looking up Lyme
(especially family members) makes it really hard to do sometimes.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
These are good points.
I am starting to feel a little bit better so starting to try and set some boundaries.
It is true that some people think they know more than you do on how to get well or what you can or can not do.
These things would not even be issues if we were well.
Many moons ago, I started a class on boundaries at a local church.
The speaker said there are two kinds of people...those who step on others toes and those who get their toes stepped on.
He said the ones who step on others toes are most likely NOT attending this meeting.
Is it that black and white?
I think it does get to the point where our health comes first and we need to close the door on those who do not respect our boundaries consistantly or limit the time we are around them.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Boundary Red Flags?
When a person tries to tell you what you need to eat....especially when it is food you know is not good for your health and you have all ready explained to them why.
Or is is food you know is good for your health and they think you need to get the empty calorie foods because that is what they eat.
And they bring things over and leave them on the counter for you saying, I know this is not good for you...do what you want with it.
Sheesh.
When you tell a person that you need quiet and you can not process anything more for the moment and they continue to talk.
or get up across the room and go over to your recliner and get in your face to make sure you hear what they want to say to you.
big red flag there!
When you ask a person not to come visit every day and they continue to come visit so you stand at the door and do not let them in.
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Thinking of betty's comment this am.
I do think it helps if we figure out what those boundaries are going to be and then let those who are helping us know.
I also think enforcing those boundaries are needed.
For me, I think after the 3rd time of having to tell that person what the boundary is and not getting the follow through on it is enough to say this is not working.
I am talking about friends and family who come to help out but end up causing more stress in our lives instead of help.
The tricky part is when so much of our energy is just going towards trying to move the body or get through the day.
And when we are not to the point we can problem solve in our heads again yet.
It is good to take things slow. Limit the amount of time someone is involved in our lives until we can see how it is going to work out.
Make sense? Clear as mud?
I think some times we are so happy just to have help that we don't use caution.
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tdtid
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10276
posted
Kam,
You are making very very valid points. I guess my biggest downfall is that although I KNOW we have to set our boundaries, I don't want to start driving people away since I've already lost so many friends just by being sick and not being able to go here and there on a whim any longer.
There was part of me saying, that if they have still stuck by me through all this, they are the true friends, BUT perhaps there are stipulations even to that.
We want to believe that their hearts are in the right place and that they mean well, but dang, sometimes it's a tough pill to swallow.
I guess my question is where to draw the line so you don't push people totally away but you still get the space you need when too much commotion makes us mental.
Cathy
-------------------- "To Dream The Impossible Dream" Man of La Mancha Posts: 2638 | From New Hampshire | Registered: Oct 2006
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