Hi everyone, (this may turn into a vent so just to warn you

I've been getting treated for lyme & recently bartonella by a llmd pretty near my area thanks to this site, unfortunately, some of the medications have pretty strong adverse side-effects in addition to any herxheimer reactions that may occur, so in the sum of it all, right now I'm feeling much more worse and more brain-dead, though I didn't think it possible, than I was before.

Hopefully this treatment for bartonella doesn't fail, because I don't know if I could stand doing it again, but that's a different story.

The result is of all this is that now, no matter how hard I try I can hardly remember anything long enough to toss it about in my head and learn it. And if I do think I've learned something, when I have to come back to it I realize that I've totally forgotten and don't at all understand it. Not just recent things but nearly anything. Other times it feels like I have no mental energy to begin to think about something, so the whole process dies before it gets started.

Of course all of these cognition problems continue to lead me to what seems like an unending succession of failures in school which is really a crushing feeling when you know you put in such a huge effort and it always almost entirely collapses. Since my parents have always very strongly encourged me to stay in school no matter what I have never dropped out of it for more than a semester but after at least 5 years of being sick I am very far behind and doing just horrible now in my summer classes.

Because of doing so horrible, and because the way everthing is going it seems it will take at least a few more months before I start feeling better, I wonder if I should just quit college for a semester? That would leave me even further behind and I would have to stomach quitting but then maybe I could focus my full attention (for what it's worth) on treatment and hopefully come back in a functional state.

I'm undecided because I'm not sure what would be worse: dividing my attention, maybe not really learning anything, and coping with the psychological effect(s) of failing more classes Or quitting and coping with that and falling even farther behind.

Also because since I'm going through such a rough stretch now maybe I'm panicking & overestimating how long it would take for me to start feeling better to a level when I'm functional again... Then, if I quit, I would end up wasting some more time and needlessly falling even *more* behind... wheras otherwise in the worst case of staying in school I would probably just not be learning anything.

Has anyone been in a situation like this before? I guess it shows how horrible my mind is that I can't even figure out what to do myself, ... and if its that horrible maybe I should just quit. Regardless, If anyone has a similar experience they could describe, or give me their viewpoint I'd much appreciate it.

Thanks,

So, last fall I made it to the first two days of classes before I essentially collapsed and knew there really wasn't as much of a choice to be made as I thought there was. I filled out the forms and took a leave of absence. Once I made the decision, it was like a huge weight was lifted and I immediately felt a little better (although that didn't last long and I had a rough year). I was able to concentrate on resting and I don't regret making the decision to take time off.

Now, a year later, I'm making some slow progress but I'm still not going back to school. This summer I took a class online which was nice and I plan to take another one either in the fall or winter (the school I'm taking them from has a quarter calendar). It's easier for me to do it that way - no commute, class time, and I can concentrate on one class at a time. I'm hoping to be able to finish school next year but I'm not sure at this point how I'll be doing then so I'm not really planning anything yet.

I don't have any great advice to give you but I think it's important to take care of your health first. If you aren't able to do well in classes, fail assignments, and generally don't get anything out of school, wouldn't it be better to take some time off and return when you're able to do better and really make the most of the education? Just something to think about.

If you need to talk to someone who has been through what you're going through, feel free to e-mail me ([email protected]).

Peace and healing,
Annie

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Sorry my response is so long in coming, a lot of times when i read people's remarks i want to respond with my own thoughts or to try to express some empathy but it is so hard to put those things in words in a way where the final product would be helpful & make sense, and not just serve to confuse people. So a lot of times I'm not able to write something up to those, admittedly low, standards and think it's probably better just to remain silent.

Despite that, I think by now i should at least incompletely respond to your comments as i am able. Again Thank-you!

Janet Thomas: I will try to ask my llmd more specifically how long my treatment (or at least the intensive treatment) will likely last and how long each of the segments can be expected to last. I'm not sure if she'll be able to give me a very concrete response, but i agree, it's a good idea to ask and maybe she'll be able to tell me what response measures are good at predicting how long the treatment will last & when people start seeing cognitive improvement.

Lyme_Suz: Thanks lyme_suz for your experience, very interesting to me since I have also been infected for at least five years. The brain-fog in particular is one of my worst symptoms, a lot of time my mind feels "blank" but never "clear" if you can relate to that. Right now I'm treating bartonella but I would be very interested in hearing what antibiotics or antibiotic combinations you think helped you the most.

Incidentally I've also searched pubmed to try to figure out what antibiotics best penetrate the brain but so far haven't found a concise, thorough source.

Arg82: Arg82, thanks for responding & giving your email. My problem does seem really similar to yours, and i'm sorry you had such a tough time, though i can really relate! I do wish I could get enough thought together to be able to reflect on and articulate my experiences in a way that would be worth someone else's time reading them. It does make one feel like such a terrible wretch not to be able to articulate one's experiences --I guess we human beings weren't made to especially resist chronic isolation.

I think what I'll do is to see what happens in the class i am taking this summer and use that to help make a decision.

Probably part of my problem (when I am even thinking rationally enough to consider stuff like this) deciding is that having so much of my mind & memory impaired has caused me to lose all the reference points I would have used in the past to gauge how close what i learned was to "true knowledge." Now I just have a vague feeling that I don't understand something; even when I perform well in a class, and being able to perform well is even quite different from true knowledge.

Just to clarify, I mentioned the notion of "quitting" not so much because I would view it that way (though I guess its possible) but because of other people I live with would who do not understand the seriousness of the illness, and would probably say things to me & develop a viewpoint that would end up damaging my ability to cope with it all. To convince them otherwise would be like embarking on a public relations campaign and I'm not sure I'm up to it.

Thanks again! I will try to edit & update when I have more I can say.

Sincerely,

john

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"All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event -- in the living act, the undoubted deed -- there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall?"