posted
Is really hard. I'm scared of dying, but I always think to myself I wouldn't want to live forever. Scratch that - I know I wouldn't want to live forever.
It's just to much sometimes. I consider myself a happy person, I even pride myself on continually reminding others why it is so important to be happy and not fret the little things.
I used to be happy just because. Life was good, I had a nice job and I was healthy. I loved being at home and bird watching. I loved playing around in my garden. I loved cooking for my husband and even menu planned our meals. I had such a passion for life.
Now I wake up surrounded in a dark cloud, it's almost suffocating... you feel like your drowning. I struggle to keep my head above water while screaming inside. I don't ask for help, I try to pull through it on my own.
My garden, once beautiful and vibrant has withered and turned brown. It's a sign of the person I used to be.
My passion is gone. I sit here wondering how I am going to get through this. I put a fake smile on and go through my day in a daze.
My friends tell me they can't wait to have the old me back.... boy can I relate to that statement. They understand I'm sick but they don't understand what it's doing to me mentally.
I don't think I will ever be the same. Everyday I hope for some miracle that all of this will dissapear and my smile will be genuine again. I yearn for that passion I once had.
I wish I could be happy and healthy but everything I've got has just been sucked out of me. I'm slowly fading away and I wonder if I'm just ready to be done with all of this.
Tonight, the tears flow
-------------------- Diagnosed with Lyme 4/7/14
KB Posts: 87 | From Townsend, MA | Registered: May 2014
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posted
I hear ya, kbone. Life can get really tough. I'm getting to be an old bird and I have found that my lows do eventually pass and things do get better if you work at it.
Don't lose hope and do everything you can to help your body recover. The body CAN HEAL! Give it what it needs. Also give your mind and spirit what it needs.
Love and peace to you as you make your way to tomorrow, where a new day begins.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96227 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Kbone-so sorry about the rough patch you're in.
I'm glad we have each other because others who donkt have tbds and are healthy don't get the mental side of things.
Well, here's a positive I tell myself on my down days.
I am such a good actress now...if I need to start a new career, I'm going to Hollywood! Pasting a smile on one's face and interacting with others with 1/8 th of their energy levels deserves an academy award!
Maybe you an me can go to Hollywood and star alongside some Hollywood hunks....
It took me about 8-9 months to feel like I was finally able to keep my head above the grave/ditch. It was awfully dark in that ditch. Somedays I couldn't see anything in my future.
Keep on trucking. Don't be afraid to talk to us about it when you need support or to vent.
XOXO
Greta
Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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posted
This is really the best place to come for support. Felt so much better after I posted. No one else gets these things!
All the responses help me so much
Much love to you all, Kirsten
-------------------- Diagnosed with Lyme 4/7/14
KB Posts: 87 | From Townsend, MA | Registered: May 2014
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38251
posted
Let the tears flow. Sometimes, that's just what we need to do. You are not "fading away," you are changing in response to your health problems.
I understand the metaphor with you and your garden. You are not your garden! You do realize that there are plenty of healthy people who couldn't grow a weed if they tried, right??
And of course, you are sad about losing the "you" you once were, as so many here have experienced.
You will never be the same. But you will be better when you get to the other side of this. Your "old you" is gone. But there is the "new you"!
YOU have to embrace the "new you." Your friends, if they are true, will embrace and accept the "new you" with open arms. If they don't, it's time to let those friendships go by the wayside. Harsh, I know, but it's the truth.
Let go of how you used to define yourself, because, really, it doesn't matter going forward. Everyday brings a new opportunity as to how you can define yourself.
And that does not include defining yourself as a sick person.
For example, if you loved cooking and meal planning, you can certainly pick that skill up again, even if it means you can only do it occasionally.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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posted
Speaking of metaphors - I would like to add that the "new" me is only able to grow weeds at this point. The old me could grow flowers under a pine tree. And if you garden you know how tough that is. Skill lol
I get your point though I'm a tough girl but I have never fully been able to embrace change, no matter what it is!
I'm also not one to just settle for anything. Maybe that's the fire I need to nip all of this in the butt!!
-------------------- Diagnosed with Lyme 4/7/14
KB Posts: 87 | From Townsend, MA | Registered: May 2014
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38251
posted
I used to garden all the time, and yes, it's definitely a skill!!
But I could never have grown flowers under a pine tree!
Good to know you're a "tough girl." That's not to be underestimated!
I think you just found the "new you" Bravo!
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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posted
I see that you're very recently diagnosed with Lyme. Are you doing treatment now? If so, you need to give it some time to work, also some time to find out what works - don't give up too soon -
I think we all need to mourn the loss of our normal self and life - goes with the territory.
I do try to find something that I can handle, something that I like, and spend time with it. Is that possible for you at this point?
Posts: 13117 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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MannaMe
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 33330
posted
I understand - in our case, its my hubby who is sick. He used to be able to go, go, go - he rarely sat around and did nothing.
Now he's got to sit / lay around because of Lyme & co but he still is doing things. He just had to change what he can do.
Try to find some new hobbies and work at them when able, then rest awhile and come back to them later.
My hubby took some index cards and wrote positive sayings, Bible verses, etc on each one. He reads them out loud to himself a couple times a day.
We've had to make some new friends also and spending time with people who 'get it' or are at least accepting of Lyme & co's is very encouraging.
Posts: 2286 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2011
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
You got some really good responses about the before lyme and after lyme you...i was trying to think how to put it in words and the others did it really well
There are a few old posts about "what lyme gave me or taught me" or something like that
And even tho you are down now your comment about flowers and pine trees gave me a belly laugh and i know that is good for my immune system...so thank you!
Keep hangin with us.
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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Jane2904
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15917
posted
Sending big hugs to you Kbone,
Hang in there, better days will come.
Maybe when you feel up to it...just a thought...
If you have the space etc, maybe you could try a couple of large planters on a back porch, deck etc.
I do not garden anymore , However, I do a few containers on our deck and although, I am not getting down and digging in the dirt, The planters still bring me joy and satisfaction.
Posts: 1357 | From Massachusetts | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
we all know how you feel, it gets so hard to get through each day. I keep telling myself that I have to get through the bad days to get to the good days.
Lately I have been feeling that the good days are getting farther away from me, like I don't know if they will ever be here.
What keeps me going is this day is better then it was a few months ago, even though I still feel horrible, the days and nights feel longer then they should be. I know I am better, it gives me that small comfort.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”
― Calvin Coolidge
-------------------- Bartonella (Rifampin 300 mg 2x day, A-Bart, A-Iflam) Toxic mold exposure (Cholestyramine 4x day) Heavy metals Marcon staph infection (Beg spray) Posts: 53 | From Maine | Registered: Jun 2014
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posted
Gardening under pine trees has been a battle!!! I have always just thrown stuff under there to see what works.
The one thing that has loved it the most - knockout roses!!! So weird...
Thanks for all the love. Today is a better day.
Just stinks cuz I'm also not home anymore cuz of the mold and we have decided it's best for me to take time off from work. No idea how we are going to pay for remediation and all of the extra bills
I should have stopped working months ago maybe I would still have my gall bladder today.
Can't say I really miss it much any who
-------------------- Diagnosed with Lyme 4/7/14
KB Posts: 87 | From Townsend, MA | Registered: May 2014
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posted
Also. Ive had lyme treatment since April but unfortunately I haven't been very aggressive with it. I was really bad about taking all of my pills because it was really hard to work full time and have all of that going on.
Tomorrow's a new day
-------------------- Diagnosed with Lyme 4/7/14
KB Posts: 87 | From Townsend, MA | Registered: May 2014
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payne
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26248
posted
we understand, grow some sell some eat some.. find the thinks that make you feel complete and happy and do those daily.. we're pulling(weeds) for ya
-------------------- TULAREMIA/rabbit fever ? Posts: 1931 | From mid-michigan | Registered: Jun 2010
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GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Love that pic Wayne!
And LP... made me chuckle about lymetoo's garden.
Anxiety soldier-great quote!
Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
hey, I want some pot plants too!
I totally relate with you Kbone. keep marching on and every good moment live it to the fullest. even if that moment is only for 20 minutes or 20 seconds.
I am almost a year into treatment and I have some really great days now along with some really bad ones still.
we are in this together.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3567 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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