I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It is really unfortunate that your boyfriend isn't more grateful for the chance he has been given at recovery and health. I know it must be devistating for you to have to witness what he is doing to himself without being able to control it.

Have you been completely honest with him? Have you told him that you are extremely concerned for his well-being and that his behavior is going to catch up with him eventually and could seriously hinder his recovery? Have you explained to him that he is not the only one impacted by his disease, and that it is causing people who love him a great deal of stress and agnony? Have you told him that although it is his choice how he treats his body, it is the choice of those around him whether or not they stick by him in his ill health, and if he is causing himself to be ill he cannot expect others to offer the same support. He obviously has not had to struggle long enough with the diease to appreciate the magnitude of getting well. Unfortunately that isn't something anyone can explain to him--it's only a matter of how much suffering puts him over the edge.

I also want to add that I do understand his desire to "live life' to its fullest. After a person's health has been stripped from them, it's difficult to feel better and still have to practice self control. You really need to have a heart-to-heart with him though, if you haven't already. I think that might be all you can do though, because it's really up to a consenting adult what he does with his body, and you can't physically stop him. You can concern other people and try to have some kin dof intervention, but I'm not sure that would go over too well.

I am here if you need to help or vent. Let me know if you've had or plan on having that talk!

best of luck to you both, and hang in there--

sara
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sarabear:
Hi Lynn,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It is really unfortunate that your boyfriend isn't more grateful for the chance he has been given at recovery and health. I know it must be devistating for you to have to witness what he is doing to himself without being able to control it.

Have you been completely honest with him? Have you told him that you are extremely concerned for his well-being and that his behavior is going to catch up with him eventually and could seriously hinder his recovery? Have you explained to him that he is not the only one impacted by his disease, and that it is causing people who love him a great deal of stress and agnony? Have you told him that although it is his choice how he treats his body, it is the choice of those around him whether or not they stick by him in his ill health, and if he is causing himself to be ill he cannot expect others to offer the same support. He obviously has not had to struggle long enough with the diease to appreciate the magnitude of getting well. Unfortunately that isn't something anyone can explain to him--it's only a matter of how much suffering puts him over the edge.

I also want to add that I do understand his desire to "live life' to its fullest. After a person's health has been stripped from them, it's difficult to feel better and still have to practice self control. You really need to have a heart-to-heart with him though, if you haven't already. I think that might be all you can do though, because it's really up to a consenting adult what he does with his body, and you can't physically stop him. You can concern other people and try to have some kin dof intervention, but I'm not sure that would go over too well.

I am here if you need to help or vent. Let me know if you've had or plan on having that talk!

best of luck to you both, and hang in there--

sara

---

Sara, you are a truly wonderful person. Your post has made me cry. I cannot thank you enough for being so supportive. You really understand how agonizing this is for me. I am so grateful. I will talk to him. I nag in little ways and express concern, but I think we need to have a "major" discussion soon. It's only recently that I've started to feel that if things don't change I'm not sure I can/will stay with him. It is just too, as you said, agonizing, devastating, you name it. I was filled with sympathy for him when we first met and in fact I am partially responsible for getting the Lyme DX, but this behavior both worries and somewhat "offends" me on behalf of those who are so sick and would kill for the 2nd chance he's been given. Thanks again for your support. I will let you know what happens.
Big hug thru the computer,
Lynn

I dont care what is the cause of drinking and drug abuse. But physical and verbal abuse is soon sure to follow.

You need to worry about your own health (and safety).

This is not a good situation for you to be in and fortunately since you do not have a commitment, it is also an easy situation for you to get out of. A serious discussion is certainly in order to see how the bf views this situation. If he sees himself out of control and wants treatment, then you can support his decision to go for counseling or into a 12 step program. If he makes all kinds of excuses under the sun (things like 'I'm not that sick and I can drink' or 'You don't understand the pressure I'm under right now' or 'What else is there to do here but drink and party?'), then you know he isn't seeing his drug use as a problem, and it is time for you to move on.

I am sure he has all kinds of positive qualities when he is sober, but that is a serious red flag that you need to be aware of - when he is sober. Once addicted, you will find that the progression is such that the sober periods will be fewer and far between.....

It is extremely important for you to understand that you have no control in this matter and you cannot 'fix' him. There are many good sober men out there to have a relationship with.
cootiegirl
 

well, what would you do about his behaviour if he didn't have lyme? staying out partying til 4 or 5 a.m. would not work with me AT all... maybe it's OK by you?

i can assure you from my own experience with alcohol intolerance, the drinking will not work. i almost died from 5 beers over 7 hours time. seriously. i try once in a while to drink a little. had a couple birthday beers last night. sick all day. 2 beers.

jackasses get lyme too, BTW, tics aren't picky eaters.... better take another look there. not saying he is, just stand back and LOOK again.

he got diagnosed 4 months after you got together? so you have been playing a caretaker role pretty much the whole time? might want to ask yourself what your feelings are truly based on... sometimes sympathy can feel like love too. or make it feel stronger.

well, what do you want for the rest of your life? think about that one real hard. i used to tell my daughter "find someone who has a life to share WITH YOU, not just someone who needs to share YOUR life...".

i'd run real fast girl. [HUG] good luck, and whatever you do, it's time to take care of you!

lori

 

If you can tollerate it, then more power to you..... I personally wouldn't.... lyme or no lyme...

good luck
daniella
 

I know I drank beer when I shouldnt have also but then I really like the taste of beer hehehe.

The staying out late is another matter unless he took you with him.

Also on average guy's that do this are partying or checking out woman your decision is what group he's in? Partying or woman,scared?

I went parting alot when I was younger but when I met my wife I took her with me.
Or at least asked her if she would go.

I hung out with my friends talked hunting, fishing, sports you know guy stuff.Yes we even talked about girls but when I got serious about my girlfriend (wife now)I really didnt take interest in girl talk so much.

Also a guys way of dealing with problems sometimes is alcohol not wanting to face it.

Age makes a differance in all of this too.

Good Luck!

[This message has been edited by treepatrol (edited 12 March 2005).]
 

After Im in a much better place than I am now, I want to go and do all the things I never did. But that absolutely positively does not involve drugs and alcohol- so I see YOUR point of view.

What can I say? Some people pull through things and completely change their lives, while others pull through things and change their lives for the worse, as if nothing ever happened to them. Eventually, the drinking is going to catch up with him

and he may end up needing someone again.

This is your first chance at seeing him as a healthy person, and not sick. If you don't like it, which I dont blame you for, you need to leave him.

It doesn't sound healthy, by any means.

i'm 43 and like to party some too... hope i like to 'party' all the rest of my days. fun is good and sometimes i do things that are not in the best interest of my health. once in a while i'll crack a beer, and dh gives me that 'look' (he has learned not to nag). he has learned to let me be a big girl. the headache-from-hell i will have the next day is mine, not his.

that said and since you are ASKING for advice - take it or leave it! - one thing to think about...

there is a fine line a happy wife (girlfriend) walks between woman and mother. take a look at where your line has been. maybe what was working when he was so sick is not working now?

it is always very hard to watch someone you love do things that you feel are not in their best interest. thing is, they have the right to. and you have the right to take it or leave it. sorry if you are looking for a bunch of posts to show him for validation...

i think what you are experiencing is a 'shift'. they can be real hard to adjust to when you don't see them coming... by that i mean there may be a change in 'NEEDS'.

ok, i will butt out now... take care of you!

lori

lori
 

when my kids were babies, i used to stay up several hours after everyone else went to bed because i just needed "time to myself" , or so i thought. that's when i got the laundry done.

when i became gravely ill, but still not dx, i would stay up all nite trying to read a book. my husband would get up about 4 am and be angry at me and scold me for not even trying to sleep. he did not understand that i could not sleep at all and could get no med care. i had severe insomnia.

when i finnally got dx and got 6 wks i.v. rocephin, i slept all the time. the intense feelings of doom and gloom were worse than they ever were. my husband didn't know and just thought i was at peace because i was finnally sleeping. the psychiatric symptoms were unbearable, but i was getting no treatment for them because the "great" drs i was seeing for lyme reallly weren't "great" and didn't even mention babesia let alone treat or offer any help/meds for depression/anxiety and other horrid psychiatric symptoms.

thru the yrs, i would buy cigerettes sometimes despite being a non smoker. (used to rarely smoke on social occassions before that). was trying to take the edge off the anxiety.

most of my friends are smokers and i still find myself smoking the occasional cigerette to take the edge off how emotionally bad i feel despite knowing it's bad for me.

as far as staying out to 4am/5am if it is without you on weekends, that just isn't cool or tolerable!

you say he just moved to a foriegn country. maybe that is adding extra stress to the increase in symptoms he is already experiencing with a herx and is feeling so frightened, he is trying to drown the fear? maybe it will be a temporary binge. also, is he now surrounded by people who are a bad influence?

i am wondering if maybe his lyme dr just needs to know how bad he is feeling and he needs further meds to treat symptoms his doc may not know about. the intense fear is hard to handle! and i think even more so when babs is in the picture.

good luck! hope everything works out!
 

A severe magnesium deficit which a borreliosis,a babesial infection, and perhaps other TBDs induce, are correlated to a significant extent with
compulsivity.

[This message has been edited by pq (edited 16 March 2005).]