I live suspended in the time and space of illness.
The malaise of Lyme blending with the melancholy of Depression.
Suspended in illness, my feet do not touch the ground. I cannot put one foot in front of other. How can I move forward?
The days move forward from light to dark to grey. When it is all grey ,I cannot see the clouds moving and it seems like time is stuck,too. Until the sun shines again And I realize life is going on without me.
My life used to be moving in a Good Orderly Direction, until it became infected with Lyme Disese. Now I do not live in the real world. I live inside my head where no one can see me, So I write
I write to make use of suffering To touch someone else no one can see To connect across the pain, So I will not feel so alone.
[ 19. June 2006, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: Carol B ]
Posted by Ann-OH (Member # 2020) on :
That is some very powerful writing, Carol. It really hit home as I was in the same place for a while with Lyme.
All I can say is that there is light and hope ahead and I hope you have the grit and the courage to get there.
Here is one of my favorite poems by the American writer Edwin Arlington Robinson (1869-1935). [quote] II. The Children of the Night 34. Credo
I CANNOT find my way: there is no star In all the shrouded heavens anywhere; And there is not a whisper in the air Of any living voice but one so far That I can hear it only as a bar Of lost, imperial music, played when fair And angel fingers wove, and unaware, Dead leaves to garlands where no roses are.
No, there is not a glimmer, nor a call, For one that welcomes, welcomes when he fears The black and awful chaos of the night; For through it all--above, beyond it all-- I know the far-sent message of the years, I feel the coming glory of the Light. [end quote]
For some reason, this poem was a comfort to me when I was really down.
Hugs, Ann - OH
Posted by trueblue (Member # 7348) on :
Wow, Carol, your writing is very powerful. Thank you for sharing that. I could feel you, I am you.
I cannot write.. so tend to quote lyrics. I don't know if you know this song but I'd like to post it here for you and whoever else needs to see it.
As Bad As It Gets � 1997 Christine Lavin
This is the darkest hour of your longest night you've never been this powerless or prayed this hard for light wish there was something I could do to pull you through but the only who can handle this now is you
This is as bad as it gets if you can make it through this I'm willing to bet that you will make it through anything the world will throw your way this is as low as you've ever been if you can reach deep down tap the power within I know that you will find the strength to make it through this day
This is the coldest night of your bleakest year it's hard to fight all the forces that have brought you here between the anger and pain amid the losses and gains there's a space if you can find it you will rise again
This is as bad as it gets if you can make it through this I'm willing to bet that you will make it through anything the world will throw your way this is as low as you'll ever be if you can stop for a minute and listen to me I know that you will find the strength to make it through this day
Nothing in your life has prepared you for such a troubled time but you're not one to give up or give in when your life is on the line
This is as bad as it gets if you can make it through this I'm willing to bet that you will make it through anything the world will throw your way this is as low as she goes if you can reach deep down tap the power that flows within you I know that you will find the strength to make it through this day and then I know you will be OK you'll be alright don't give up the fight
Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
Thanks- it seems as though there is a period of time each day that I fall into this black pit. It's excruciating.
So today I decided to write about it-and it will help me to read what you have sent. I do not need to hear only the echo of my own despair.
I need to feel connected at all times and sharing your experience and identification with the dark places in our lives helps me to deal with it and not feel so isolated.
Thanks for listening , Carol
Posted by trueblue (Member # 7348) on :
Please know you are not alone! I am here with you as are most everybody on this board.
Although, the isolation feels so overwhelming to me at times (entirely too many of them).
I alternate between being strong and determined and a complete basket case. I don't feel I have much control over it at many times.
It's very difficult to believe I'm not alone much of the time. I'm not meaning to sound negative but I go there fairly often. (Even though I know it's not healthy for me to be there.) It's a difficult perspective to keep yourself in the present and still be waging a war.
I do believe we have it in us to beat this(these) thing(s) into submission.
Hang in there kiddo, you're tougher tham you know and the TBDs are messing with your brain; this too will resolve as treatment progresses.
It's getting pretty late and I'm rambling without makeing much sense.
Please feel free to PM me anytime. I'd love to talk with you and get to know you better, you sound so very familiar to me.
Ha, and I also love your sense of humor.
Take care and hang in there, k? Many hugs and much love, trueblue Posted by Yemaya (Member # 8842) on :
Carol, Your Poem is really beautiful. I can often relate. Stay strong, and keep writing. I have found it to be both my escape, and a tool to help me find who I really am. Many Blessings. Love & Light, Yemaya
Posted by lymelighter2 (Member # 6953) on :
Beautiful, beautiful! My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are NOT alone.
And know that there are people out here going through the same thing as you, that what you experience is part of this dam-ned disease, and that you can and will see brighter days.
I think part of the depression comes from feeling that we are isolated, the other part comes from others not understanding, or not wanting to see, the face of lyme disease.
I take comfort in writing, poetry and wonderful poems like yours.
Peace
Posted by g-mon (Member # 9219) on :
Carol -
So much of what your poem describes sounds so familiar. I really feel "suspended in the time and space" as that is how my brain fog manifests itslef. I also know what you mean about the malaise and depression...
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