TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
Posted by hopeful123 (Member # 3244) on :
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Posted by trueblue (Member # 7348) on :
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
OK....trueblue didn't like that one. How about this one??
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O! ___________________________________
[ 13. October 2006, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Lymetoo ]
Posted by hopeful123 (Member # 3244) on :
oy
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
How about this one??
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Posted by trueblue (Member # 7348) on :
I like them TuTu, they are groaners, though.
I especially like the water one. Posted by Tincup (Member # 5829) on :
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen..
Looks like a clear cut case of a lime in d' coconut!
Thank you, tutu.
Now off to bed.. or off with my head!
Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
Thanks lymetoo
LOL
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pill.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.~ ...............................................
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature rises?
Doctor: Sell.~
.................................................
Nurse: Doctor-theres an invisable man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now. Next~ .................................................
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine woman and song will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really, it will just seem longer~ .................................................
As the doctor completed an exam of a patient he said
"I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly I think it's do to drinking."
"In that case" said the patient,
I'll come back when your sober."~
Posted by ma (Member # 10055) on :
This one is so clean, it squeeks... but I think it's so cute just the same:
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby. Posted by KENNEDY (Member # 9628) on :
Okay, I got one. A grasshopper goes into a bar jumps up onto a barstool and say,"Hey Bartender, make me a drink". The bartender came back sat a drink down and said," I made you a drink named after you". The grasshopper said, "STEVE"?????
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
The Skeleton walked into the bar and asked for a drink and a mop.
==============================
The Sandwich walked into the bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said, "We don't serve food."
==============================
OK....go ahead and GROAN! Posted by jggrl (Member # 9470) on :
Thanks Lymetoo and everybody else!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
2 more jokes!
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that Sullivan had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that Sully comes to church every Sunday. I also knew that Sully had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Sully's hat!."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal Sully's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Sully's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." ********************************************
REDNECK LOVE POEM...
Susie Lee done fell in love She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy `bout it all She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal, You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know, But Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe, And planned to marry Will But after telling Pappy this, He said, "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal, And please don't tell yo' mother, But Will and Joe, and several mo' I know is yo' half brother''.
But Mama knew and said, my child, Just do what makes you happy. Marry Will or marry Joe. You ain't no kin to Pappy.
now for something serious, this is really neat! THE REALITY CLOCK ... great site! http://susie1114.com/LiveALife.html Bettyg Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Here's a bit of Sunday School humor. Enjoy.
STORY OF ELIJAH The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.
And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES AND THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the Lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.
"Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, The grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
Posted by SuZ-Q (Member # 5903) on :
There were three men waiting at the Pearly Gates to enter Heaven. St. Peter asked the same qustion of each of them, "What have you done with your life that insures you deserve entry to Heaven?"
The first man answered, " I was a cardiac surgeon who invented a revolutionary technique used in open-heart surgery that has saved thousands of lives."
"Very well, you may enter." replied St. Peter.
The second man responded to the question with, "I was the founder of a major Children's Charity which raised millions of dollars and saved and enriched countless lives of impoverished children."
"Very good, you may enter."
The third man was ready with his response to the question. "Well, you know I totally revolutionized the health care industry. I invented the HMO!"
"Very well, you may enter, BUT you can only stay THREE DAYS!!"
Posted by siggy (Member # 8654) on :
There was this very rich man that died. Standing by the Pearly Gate, he cried his eyes out before St Peter, begging him to let him go back to earth again and bring something with him to heaven.
St Peter was moved by the man's tears, and even though it was not allowed, he let the rich man go back to earth. He would get another few hours and bring back a bag of something he wanted to take with him into heaven.
A few hours passed, and the rich man stood by the Pearly Gate again, this time with a bag in his hands. Before St Peter opened the gate, he asked to see what the rich man had brought with him. The rich man opened the bag, and proudly presented several bricks of gold.
"What?!" St Peter said puzzled "Why did you want to bring cobblestone with you!?"
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Siggy, good one!
Want to be forever eliminated from the guest list? Just take this to your next "pot luck" dinner!!
Kitty Litter Cake" * ~
This is *no joke*
READ THE INGREDIENTS AND STUFF FIRST AND THEN LOOK AT THE PHOTO...TRUST ME...
WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE,? BUT YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT THINK SO!
On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board.
After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so my wife could make it, which she refused to do.
I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below show the results of her work.
It doesn't look very nice, but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along.
CAKE INGREDIENTS: ************************** 1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS" ***************** 1 NEW cat-litter box 1 NEW cat-litter box liner 1 NEW pooper scooper
1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan.
Prepare pudding and chill.
Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor.
Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.
2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl.
Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy.
Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.
3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points.
Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture.
Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.
4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box.
Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy! ?
"Kitty Litter Cake" ... photo looked just like you would expect!! yukky!
ANY OF YOU WHO HAVE A HALLOWEEN PARTY TO GO TO, THINK ABOUT THIS CAKE, Bettyg Posted by hatsnscarfs (Member # 6562) on :
Thanks all, I needed a laugh. The kitty litter cake would be excellent at an April Fools Day pot luck!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick OR ...." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee. ---------------------------------
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway. Bettyg Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
That would be ME!!!
Great cake recipe! Sent that to my niece who is a veterinarian!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?" ---------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." ---------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---------------------------------------------- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. ************************
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over .
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! BG Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
"MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD"
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house; "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" ********************* Rednecks know how to git-R-dun!!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A farmer named Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Ole.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, "Vell, , I'll tell ewe vhat happened. I had ust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da...."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Ole said, "Vell, , I had ust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down de road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Vell, as I vas saying, I had ust Loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, onto de trailer and vas drivin' her down De highway vhen dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran de stop sign and smacked my truck right in two de side ouf my truck an' I vas trone into Vun ditch and Bessie was trone into de udder side. I vas hurtin' real bad and didn't Vant to move.
I could hear 'Ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I kneeew she vas in terrible shape just by her groans!!!!!
Den, after de accident, a Highway Patrolman came on de scene. He ,also, Could hear my Bessie moaning and groaning. He vent over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.!!!! Den the Patrolman came across the road: gun in his hand, vell, he looked at me, and Asked "How are you feeling?"
"Now vat would ewe say?!" ************************ Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
That's pretty funny!!! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Definitions of words:
*_ADULT: _* *A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. *
*_BEAUTY PARLOR: _* A place where women curl up and dye.
*_CANNIBAL: _* Someone who is fed up with people.
*_CHICKENS: _* The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
*_COMMITTEE: _* A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
*_DUST: _* Mud with the juice squeezed out.
*_EGOTIST: _* Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
*_HANDKERCHIEF: _* Cold Storage.
*_INFLATION: _* Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
*_MOSQUITO: _* An insect that makes you like flies better.
*_RAISIN: _* Grape with a sunburn.
*_SECRET: _* Something you tell to one person at a time.
*_SKELETON: _* A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
*_TOOTHACHE:_* The pain that drives you to extraction.
*_TOMORROW: _* One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
*_YAWN: _* An honest opinion openly expressed.
*_WRINKLES: _* Something other people have. You have character lines Posted by micul (Member # 6314) on :
What is his occupation? A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Head goes to the bar A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Micul, cute! The next 2 are from other lymenetters to me:
Pending Marriage
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car! *************************************
Drag the circle button, on the meter to the right to see the different bra sizes. Watch the expressions on their faces.
If you can always be cheerful,ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! Posted by Lioness (Member # 10655) on :
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Lena's car breaks down on the Highway 61 just outside of Winona one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out of the trunk jump two men; Lars and Sven in trench coats, who stand at the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in the history of the highway. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"Ya, vell my car broke down," says Lena, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop.
And she said ,,,,"Vell, officer dose are my emergency flashers!"
Betcha never seed dat wone comin ******************** Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." **********
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked way. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. **********
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! *******
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too! *******
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced, "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".
No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so were half of the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a good laugh! *******************
New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I is for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I am keeping 26 doctors fully employed *************************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Attitude IS Everything!
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, And noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I Think I'll braid my hair today?" So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had Only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part My hair down the middle today?" So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she Had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to Wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that the re Wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have To fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fight ing some kind of battle. Live simply; love generously; care deeply; speak kindly.......leave the rest to God. Have a Good Day ******************* The "Middle Wife", by an Anonymous 2nd Grade teacher:
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.
It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I m going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'"
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"
Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!".
This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.
Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along. ********************
Older 'n Dirt!!
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were d i r t y and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a good laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. Real ice boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) 12. Pea-shooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork pop-guns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!! Especially to all your really OLD friends.... ===== "Senility Prayer"...God grant me... The senility to forget the people I never liked The good fortune to run into the ones that I do And the eyesight to tell the difference." Have a great week ********************** Did you ever wonder what a Husband does while he is in a store waiting for his wife to shop? Read on. .
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in House wares!"..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
...and; last, but not least
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Posted by Lioness (Member # 10655) on :
I really liked the "husband in the store" Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Husband in the store was hilarious!!!!
---------------------------
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) 12. Pea-shooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork pop-guns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
MONDAY It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY Today John asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. John asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY John did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason John keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY John's family came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on John. If I can talk John into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose. Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
If I can talk John into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
Posted by LisaS (Member # 10581) on :
Why Men Will Never Be Secretaries
A wife came home to find this note:
Honey, the gyna colleges called and said the Pabst beer was normal.
PS i didnt know you liked beer!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Lisa, that was cute!
I wished the graphics would have shown up on below!
Importance of Walking
----- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
.............And last but not least,
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
*********************
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with way too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
********************************
Who Says Men Can't Remember Anniversaries? ------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do! " she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."
************************
Posted by Cobweb (Member # 10053) on :
True story- Breakfast at Carol's-Oatmeal with a Dash of Dog Food
I've been trying to tell people I cannot multi task- I should pay heed:
Oatmeal cooking on the stove.
Opened can of dogfood to feed dogs. Scooped out food for one dog.Started to scoop out food for the other other dog.
Decided I wanted to add small box of raisins to cooking oatmeal. Accidently dropped the whole little card board box into oatmeal.
I was smart enough not to reach in with my hand to retrieve the cardboard from boiling water- I used the spoon in my other hand-which was full of dog food
Oatmeal? Dog Food? it all looks about the same-I'll let you know how it tastes with raisins and a small pat of butter-no cardboard.
PS- those little cardboard boxes of raisins are a lot easier to open when blanched.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Enjoyed them all!!
Posted by Lioness (Member # 10655) on :
quote:Originally posted by Cobweb: True story- Breakfast at Carol's-Oatmeal with a Dash of Dog Food
I've been trying to tell people I cannot multi task- I should pay heed:
Oatmeal cooking on the stove.
Opened can of dogfood to feed dogs. Scooped out food for one dog.Started to scoop out food for the other other dog.
Decided I wanted to add small box of raisins to cooking oatmeal. Accidently dropped the whole little card board box into oatmeal.
I was smart enough not to reach in with my hand to retrieve the cardboard from boiling water- I used the spoon in my other hand-which was full of dog food
Oatmeal? Dog Food? it all looks about the same-I'll let you know how it tastes with raisins and a small pat of butter-no cardboard.
PS- those little cardboard boxes of raisins are a lot easier to open when blanched.
I used the spoon I was dishing the cat food out with to stir my coffee. Mmmm, mmmm NOT!
No multi tasking for me either... Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Lena and the SNOW PLOW
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made the way to her car and wondered how she was going to get home.
Lena remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way, she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made Lena feel much better, and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by and she started to closely follow it.
After an hour had passed, the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and walked back to Lena's car and signaled her to roll down the window.
"Why have you been following me for so long?" he asked.
"Because my husband, Ole, said to follow a snow plow if I got caught in a blizzard."
The snow plow driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could keep following if he wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going to Kmart next. Husband/wife things
A man and his wife are having some problems at home and are giving each other the silent treatment.
But, the man realizes that the next day, he needs his wife to wake him early for a 7 a.m. business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence - and lose - he writes on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m." He leaves it where he knows she will find it.
The next morning, the man wakes up, only to discover that it is 8:30 a.m. and he has missed his flight.
Furious, he is about to rage at his wife to ask why she hadn't awakened him. Then, he notices a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper says, "It is 5 a.m. Wake up!" **********************************************
-----ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa D i Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads." **************************************
this one had the cutest graphics that won't copy!
I AM THANKFUL FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. I JUST DID.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart! ********************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
this had 3 angels flying around....
"Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up." 3 angels are sent to you. Have faith ***************************************
REMEMBER WHEN? I came across this phrase yesterday. "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like "curb feelers"
And "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these.
Just for fun, Pass it along to others of "a certain age"!
this showed the actual photos of these "remembrances", and brought memories for this 57 years young in mind; 75 bodywise! ****************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
WEATHER FORECAST -- INDIANS VS. WEATHER SERVICE!
It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild?
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold ?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter ?"
"Yes," the man at National weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold ?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure ?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center.
***************
THE TRAIN OF LIFE !!!!
Some folks ride the train of life Looking out the rear, Watching miles of life roll by, And marking every year.
They sit in sad remembrance, Of wasted days gone by, And curse their life for what it was, And hang their head and cry.
But I don't concern myself with that, I took a different vent, I look forward to what life holds, And not what has been spent.
So strap me to the engine, As securely as I can be, I want to be out in the front, To see what I can see.
I want to feel the winds of change, Blowing in my face, I want to see what life unfolds, As I move from place to place.
I want to see what's coming up, Not looking at the past, Life's too short for yesterdays, It moves along too fast.
So if the ride gets bumpy, While you are looking back, Go up front, and you may find, Your life has jumped the track.
It's all right to remember, That's part of history, But up front's where it's happening, There's so much mystery.
The enjoyment of living, Is not where we have been, It's looking ever forward, To another year and ten.
It's searching all the byways, Never should you refrain, For if you want to live your life, You've gotta drive the train.
All Aboard Everybody... ********************
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally die d a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd both still be alive . **************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." ~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make." ~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Mid-life is when you go to the dr. and you realize, you are now so OLD; you have to pay someone to look at you NAKED! Posted by siggy (Member # 8654) on :
Nice starting my day with a few good laughs! Way to go, bettyg!!
I will do may share and come with a really silly one:
The rabbit went to the city, into the bakery and asked the man behind the counter; " do you have carrot-cake?" "No", answered the man, and the rabbit left only to return the following day.
"Do you have carrot-cake?" the rabbit asked again "no, sorry we don't sell carrot-cake", said the man again, somewhat irritated and the rabbit left.
The following day rabbit returned again. Same bakery, same man behind the counter; "do you have carrot-cake?" The man exploded in a rage: "NO!! WE DON'T SELL CARROT-CAKE!!! IF YOU COME BACK HERE AGAIN, ASKING FOR CARROT-CAKE, I WILL NAIL YOUR EARS TO THE WALL!!!"
Of course little cute rabbit hopped out of the store, sad not to get his carrot-cake.
The following day the rabbit returned to the bakery - again. Same man, same store. The man was getting ready to explode as he saw the rabbit approaching.
"Do you have a hammer?" asked the rabbit "NO!?" "Do you have nails?" "NO!? THIS IS A BAKERY!!" " Do you have carrot-cake then?"
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
siggy, good norwegian humor; UFFDA! Posted by siggy (Member # 8654) on :
Bettyg; I had to read twice; "UFFDA!". startled to see a norwegian expression on this board, my mind couldn't cope with it for a few secs. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
siggy, remember, i'm part norwegian on dad's side!
mom, dad, i, dad's 2 surviving sisters, and 3 of their children/spouses = 13 of us flew over in 7-1984 for 15 days there.
spent 1 wk. on tour bus; other week we met and stayed with never met before relatives!
dad's norwegian got rusty then; he committed us to going to things and didn't realize it!
we loved our visit there; beauty, fresh fruits, air/water.
but not the single lane highways where you'd have to back up 1/2 miles or more where a semi-trailer could get around you,
the nothing around all those curves where if you go off the highway, it's into the fjord or rocks below!
our only unpleasant thing was dad was pickpocketed as we were leaving our oslo hotel to board the bus to airport. dad took all cash; couldn't convince him to take traveler's checks; so they got $600 plus another $200-300 that my aunt and i paid for gas and the car rental for 1 week! mom/i could have had a hay day spending that money on gifts/jewelry/glassware we'd seen. Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
ANYMORE??
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom !
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter ."
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog. Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
The organist joke was priceless. I'll have to share it with my organist husband! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
tutu, glad you enjoyed that one! i'd forgotten hubby was in a band!
how'd you do during ice storm/snow in your state? thought ab0ut you tutu! Posted by Cassie (Member # 2106) on :
Betty, I liked the organ one too
Hey tu-tu your mind is in the cutter,just like mine
Keep them coming is the best medicine
Take care your friend Cassie Posted by siggy (Member # 8654) on :
the organist-story was great!! Thanks for the laughs!!
Some trip you had to Norway though. I guess the single lane roads are a just made for tourists. We usually go by helicopter (no we don't)
I've had quite a few scary moments myself on those tiny roads. Places where you wouldn't believe a truck would dare driving. Enormous tourist-busses trying to get around a bend. Every year there is a story of a bus or a truck that is stuck somewhere out in nowhere.
They are our free roller-coaster-roads!!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
siggy, yes, i was on that huge tourist bus, and so agree with what you just wrote! uffda! scarry!
when i was driving from odda back to oslo, i was doing too much scenic driving, and almost went off the road into the fjord! mom yelled at me getting me back to staying on the road, and then i was the driver watching road; NOT gorgious scenery.
cassie, i'm guilty as charged; but it was a CLEAN joke! i only post the best i get!!
actually 2 wks. ago when i was i was denied hip surgery by surgeon, i sent an email to ALL who email me these goodies, asking them to STOP SENDING stories, jokes, etc. it just takes so much time, and i needed that time/energy to find a hip surgeon who'll take me in spite of 4 life-threatening illnesses.
but my 1st cousin, judy, sneaks 1 in daily ... the cream of the crop! if i belly laugh, i bring it here for you all to enjoy as i did!
so i won't be posting many as i used to. i'd get 10-25 daily from my many sources! Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
quote:Originally posted by bettyg: tutu, glad you enjoyed that one! i'd forgotten hubby was in a band!
how'd you do during ice storm/snow in your state? thought ab0ut you tutu!
We got VERY LUCKY. Springfield is a MESS and it all began about 15-20 miles north of us. Whew!!! Fortunately, it didn't freeze here until all the moisture was over.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
tutu, you really lucked out being so close; been watching all the tv news; what a mess!
got this one tonight, it's a must see on graphics especially the USA FLAG how it changes into so many shapes in seconds and wonderful music!
my belly is still laughing from this good one from a lymenetter today! thanks janet!
Mrs. Goodnest
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? "
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Hi lymies, boy, for those growing up in the 40-5o's, boy are you going to love this link!
as i type this, i started at the top and saw HENRY ALDRICH family, so i'm listening to henry goes ice skating as i type this; lots of GOOD, CLEAN LAUGHS FOR THIS LINK! try it.
lymenet will never be the same again with all this laughter you can find here!
This is a link to some old time radio shows
i f you want some good laughs and memories of some of the best comedians it is worth listening too.
They have other radio shows too and if you have ever wondered what they were like it's worth listening too. Judy
Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male.... .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
OH those definitions were AWESOME!!! Right on!!
I'll have to check out the other link on the radio shows. My father-in-law had some tapes of old radio shows and they were great!!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
thank you iceskater for the below one!
Why God made Moms:
BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between Moms and Dads?
1. Moms works at work and works at home and dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING SEND IT ON TO OTHERS! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy! I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that, maybe, this is a good omen, so he says, Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one" The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, " Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life ?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life ."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley." Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer! *******************************************
thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who, me?
5 Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well, darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no --- not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh, No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS *********************************
SERIOUS now, a 12 yr. old artist prodigy's work!
folks with dial-up like me, will take awhile due to buffering; but this is well worth it! watch the photos as it buffers along! have some reading material handy! bettyg, iowa enjoy !
I have seen this artist on Oprah so I know that she is real. This short movie clip shows her work and it is incredible. Judy ********************************
Amazing Art of Jim Warren; gorgeous kids' drawings !
You have got to see these paintings...WOW! children will love these!
---------------------------------------
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
There is more truth than poetry in some of the sayings ....
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money! -Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.
"One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn".
GOD BLESS THE USA Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
baby's first dr. visit!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." *********************
A Few Inches Deep ==================
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond.
Walking over to a local villager, who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked, "Say, son, how deep is this pond?" "Oh, only a few inches," replied the challenged person. *************************************************
After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat, and within a few seconds was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond, he finally reached his hat and then struggled back to edge.
Climbing out, he screamed, "Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!"
"Well, the water only comes half way up that duck over there." *******************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
CHOCOLATE SINGS
One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch.
When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.
The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes. I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want UN-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing.
I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.
Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect.
Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A SERIOUS ONE WITH "SOUL"!
Why Women Cry
Watch her eyes ...had a graphic showing tears coming down her cheeks!
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
You will boost another woman's self-esteem. Pass it on to men too - perhaps they will then understand "why women cry". ------------------------------
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hello is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
One man asked another man when do you know if it is time to do the dishes and wash the clothes.
The other man told him to look in his pants......if "it" is still there....then it's not time.
read the poem that is cute even if julie andrews did NOT SAY it as rumored! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both have died according to a Hollywood source. They both arrive at the Gates of Heaven greeted by Saint Peter. Peter has only one spot currently available in Heaven and must choose between the two women.
Elizabeth goes to the bathroom to freshen up before the decision is made, Dolly adjusts her cleavage .In the end Elizabeth earns the slot in Heaven. Do you know why?
because a ROYAL flush beats a PAIR silly! ****************************************
a serious one; we can relate here with our lyme disease
WE ALL NEED A TREE
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car.
We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied, "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children...
So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
THIS ONE IS WORTH SENDING ON..... God Bless, Have A Blessed Day
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Old Girl Friend
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "Good grief!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?" ***************************
Janet, this was wonderful; i love the music; it's so soothing i could listen to it over/over! You may be surprised; at answers to Q/A!
Old Lovers The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well"
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." Posted by treepatrol (Member # 4117) on :
One day at band campa tick bit me! I would have rather had a tuba shoved up my butt Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
is a computer a MALE OR FEMALE?
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." ..."Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won. *********************
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car,runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, And she says, " Hi my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load. " The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. This goes on for 3 stop lights!
When the light Turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... " Hi my name is Kevin Its winter here in Maine and I'm driving the sand truck ."
some winter humor for all the snow/ice some states have been getting! really feel for NY with their 110 inches of snow! uffda. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Bear Removal Service
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." ***************
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night, when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene~~ ****************************************
MARRIED FOR A NIGHT
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married". "Wow! That's a great idea!"he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" **********
Posted by wiserforit (Member # 9732) on :
Questions to Ponder:
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?
[ 27. February 2007, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: wiserforit ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
wiseforit, they were cute; gives food for thought!
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. What two days of the week begin with the letter T? How many seconds are there in a year? What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks. "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."
[ 01. March 2007, 02:51 AM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week.
Reluctantly, she agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning, after the choir's opening hymn, the minister slowly walked to the pulpit, hesitated, then quietly announced:
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermonn tewday." ````````````````````````````````````
fyi, this reminded me of my personal life! i, too, was large busted, DD, and played softball and other sports. my future husband used to come to my ball games to watch me run and bounce along the bases! it made his day!!
they just used to call me, betty boobs!
20 yrs. ago, i had breast reduction surgery where they removed a total of 5.5 lbs. from the 2 of them! no wonder i was so tired, and they had to REST on my desk and/or table!
again, my own personal trivia story to pass along with a good laugh!
****************
since you folks are the ones i regularly correspond with, a reminder that MONDAY, MARCH 5, is when i go to des moines' mercy hospital for my left hip replacement surgery starting NOONISH.
for any of you sending me stories, jokes, cartoons, please STOP SUNDAY MARCH 4 until i let you know differently after i get home and able to get to my pc! thanks.
if it's a LYME related article, FAMILY NEWS, or HEALTH NEWS, please send them, and i'll read them as time permits on my backlog of things!!
thank you all for your prayers for me that day and emails i've been receiving.
i've never felt so good/confident about any of the other 12 surgeries i've had! glad i had 1 month to prepare for this:
having 1 month to take iron pills to help my blood since i had 2 blood transfusions done so i can receive my own blood.
getting ALL my legal paperwork brought up to date: both wills DONE; durable power of attorney health care, updating my typed list of "heirlooms" of who we want various people to get later down the years.
my nephew lawyer, mike t, is also doing our durable power of attorney for finances so they can sign checks/sell home if/when it's needed. first time doing business with my lawyer nephew; went well, and we were both impressed by mike's thoroughness.
talk about NASTY, deadly weather all over the USA; tornados hitting the HS with kids in, and iowa's: rain, freezing rain, snow, blizzards, white-outs, and ALL interstates most of day; 100s stranded. take care my friends, bettyg Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ************************************ Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Computer Life Keys ===================
Sometimes we need to use computer keys in our lives.
Like when things go wrong or we get upset at someone, we need to use the DELETE key to rid ourselves of that.
We need to SHIFT our thinking and SPACE ourselves, INSERT some love, think of an ALTERNATE route.
BACKSPACE and ENTER into God's presence so that we can go HOME in the END ***********
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
They Ask Why I Like Retirement !
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal .
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to. *********************************************
The River
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof? God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH! ****************************************
This is kind of cute and I know you will know the answers right away.
TEST FOR OLD KIDS
This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the US in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.
03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."
04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed___________________."
05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best....... _______________."
08. Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "________ ________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________. !
ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. 02. The Ed Sullivan Show 03. On Route 66 04. To protect the innocent. 05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight 06. The limbo 07. Chocolate 08. Louis Armstrong 09. The Timex watch 10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may God Bless." 11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.) 12. Beetle or Bug 13. Buddy Holly 14. Sputnik 15. Hoola-hoop
Send this to your "old" friends. It will keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.
All things bright and beautiful, All creatures great and small The Lord God made them all. ************************** Subject: hopefully not on my flight...
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb." Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
dump blond and "710"
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here
Many years ago, while watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years......
He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.
After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium.
Without a note or written paper of any kind, he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak......
"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching.
I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials.
The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heart break and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me......the only thing that would comfort was this verse......
"Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong, We are weak but he is strong..... Yes, Jesus loves me... The Bible tells me so."
When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.
A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that its was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."
Senior version of Jesus Loves Me
Here is a new version just for us who have white hair, or no hair at all.
For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of "Jesus Loves Me". It is quite good, so read, sing and enjoy:"
JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair is white as snow. Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME..YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow, With my hand in His I'll go On through life, let come what may, He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)
Though I am no longer young, I have much which He's begun. Let me serve Christ with a smile, Go with others the extra mile.
(CHORUS)
When the nights are dark and long, In my heart He puts a song. Telling me in words so clear, "Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done, And life's victories have been won. He will take me home above, Then I'll understand His love
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does He know? Have I ever told Him so? Jesus loves to hear me say, that I love Him every day.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Thanks, betty! That was cool!!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
*******************
THE BUZZARD If you put a Buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a Buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.
THE BAT The ordinary Bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature in the air, can not take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
THE BUMBLE BEE A Bumble Bee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.
PEOPLE In many ways, we are like the Buzzard, the Bat, and the Bumble Bee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up! *****************************
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there. One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?" "Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, "You are now baptized!".
"When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, .because they just sprinkle water on You."
The littlest one said, " Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do You think that means?"
" I think it means we're pi$$copailians. *****************************************
dont you just love us polish folks??
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day.
He rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? -
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I'm always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover" Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
The Irishman
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry. One evening he walks into the local pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." **********************************************
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: Company Policy: Effective from February 14, 2007
Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 2 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Tennessee Ten Commandments
Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments.
Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language.... no joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments ******************************************** (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)
(1) Just one God (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa (3) No tellin' tales or gossipin' (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin' (5) Put nothin' before God (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal (7) No killin' (8) Watch yer mouth (9) Don't take what ain't yers (10) Don't be hankeri n' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day. Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Subject: Mouse Ball Inspection
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by Boeing to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field sites about a computer peripheral problem. Understandably, the engineers were rolling around the floor hysterically.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
best with speakers...i would have removed the 2 cuss words for something else, but we can't change things like this one! bettyg
A physician will ask you how feel and what your symptoms are; The Great Physician knows how you feel and understands what you are going through.
A physician will have you come to the office; The Great Physician will stay with you and never leave your side.
A physician will show professional concern for you; The Great Physician will show you true compassion.
A physician will treat you with the best medicine available; The Great Physician will treat you with the riches of His Grace.
A physician will follow your progress with periodic visits; The Great Physician will keep you in His constant care.
A physician will send you a bill for services rendered; The Great Physician does His work without charge.
A physician tries his very best to help you; The Great Physician assures you that your life couldn't be in better hands!!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Christian One Liners
*+*
Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the
front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your
church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a
better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers
"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person
is by what it takes to..........discourage him.
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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
I laughed so hard my side hurt! Enjoy!
I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a wash cloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . .
."Poupon."
When you stop laughing, pass it on. ***********************************
A nice laugh for the day!!!!
DEAR DIARY -- DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited. ______________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man. ________________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. ______________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ... Won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband. _________________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. _______________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today ... Twice. ***********************************
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go! inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I de! cide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for ! it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
P.S. I just remembered.
I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY! *****************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Two Horses
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.
From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by,
you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind.
His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound,
you will see that it comes from the
smaller horse in the field.
Attached to her halter is a small bell.
It lets her blind friend know where she is,
so he can follow her.
As you stand and watch these two friends,
you;ll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
Like the owners of these two horses,
God does not throw us away just because
we are not perfect or because we have problems
or challenges. He watches over us and even brings
others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by
the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.
Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.
Good friends are like this ..........
You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle". Peace Be With You! ******************************
[ 03. May 2007, 01:24 AM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ... there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that ....Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
it is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree... Ees.......... Ees... ... Eees a Ham bush! *********************************************
Author and lecturer, Leo Buscaglia, once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
*************************************************** Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted." "What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child.
"It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!" ****************************************************
A four-year-old was at the pediatrician's office for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!", the little girl replied, "Jesus is in my heart... Barney's on my underpants." ****************************************************
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Littlle League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?", the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face... "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet." ************************************************** Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what, Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me..... "I've been chosen to clap and cheer." ************************************************** An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago:
A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, "My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!"
"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.
He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, you will be more comfortable now."
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her my hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her "Are you God's wife?" **********
Gift for Snow White Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come". LOL not in this life time!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
livinlyme, that was cute! thx for sharing!
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please Come over here and help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get It started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished ?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax."
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ... ."
He sighed ..
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box " **********************
A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during a rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he offered to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child, and if she were to stay in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
Honey", she said, "You received a very strange post card from Italy today". "Oh, just give it to me and I am sure I'll be able to explain it," he said.
The wife agreed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." ***************************
NOW A SERIOUS SUBJECT; SAFETY TIPS!
I don't have a panic button on my car, but these are some pretty neat ideas. I admit that I when I've driven someone else's car with a panic button on it, I love to make it go off as a stranger or someone I know walks past the vehicle.
It's hard to keep a straight face as they walk past. Not nice, huh? It's probably a good thing I don't have a panic button afterall. Anyway, these tips are great. Kim
Put your car keys beside your bed at night. if you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator.
Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away,think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation.
Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until! It works if you park in your driveway or garage.
If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar or rapist won't stick around.... after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.
And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there..... This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual crime. ***************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
This is for all my East Coast and West Coast Friends. . . Most of these are true. . .
Eric, you didn't have any older siblings for one, why did you do it?
And just remember, I wanted to get married in October, but, I had to get married in February and not because I was pregnant! (See Below)
Monica
YOU GREW UP IN RURAL MIDWEST IF..........
> You know how to polka, but never tried it sober... > > You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means. > > You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance. > > You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better! > > You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm. > > You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.
You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter. > > You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at the county fair. > > You know that "combine" is a noun. > > You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter. > > You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions. > > You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick". > > Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set. > > A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer. > > Saturday you go to your local bowling alley. > > There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning... > > You have driven your car on the lake. > > You can make sense of "upnort" and "batree". > > Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance. > > Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar. > > The local gas station sells live bait. > > At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant. > > You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday. > > Pop is the only name for soda. > > You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your friends!! ~~~ ************************** Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"Moe--Moe."
"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're pitching Tuesday." ****************************
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I loved the Christian one-liners!!! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
tutu, now are up for the dumb blonde jokes?
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, yo u know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
1. Time 2. Words 3. Opportunity
Three things in life that can destroy a person -
1. Anger 2. Pride 3. Unforgiveness
Three things in life that you should never lose-
1. Hope 2. Peace 3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable -
1. Love 2. Family & Friends 3. Kindness
Three things in life that are never certain -
1. Fortune 2. Success 3. Dreams
Three things that make a person -
1. Commitment 2. Sincerity 3. Hard work
Three things that are truly constant -
Father - Son - Holy Spirit
I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today; to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way. God's love is always with you, God's promises are true. And when you give God all your cares, you know God will see you through.
Pass this along to People you want God to Bless - I just did! *******************
laurine, i haven't seen this one in 5 years before Dad died! I got this then, and since he was a die-hard baseball fan; i took it to the nursing home and read it to him. i had such excitement in it as i read it to him; dad hung to every word, and wiped a tear from his eye as i finished! that was the day he told me when i read things/sports i liven things up to make it enjoyable for those listening to me! i wasn't monitone like my brother-in-law who read sports for dad! this brought memories of my reading this aloud to dad that day.
I had a 3" folder of good stories like this, so i left them for their nursing home activity director; she was going to read them here and there. she told me she sat in her office belly laughing at so many of them during stress time! bettyg
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field.
Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.
Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!"
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.
"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.
May your day, be a "Shay" Day. **************************************** YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself. *******************'' Dear Mom & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some things to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Chris **************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
This is for all my East Coast and West Coast Friends. . . Most of these are true. . .
Eric, you didn't have any older siblings for one, why did you do it?
And just remember, I wanted to get married in October, but, I had to get married in February and not because I was pregnant! (See Below)
Monica
YOU GREW UP IN RURAL MIDWEST IF..........
> You know how to polka, but never tried it sober... > > You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means. > > You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance. > > You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better! > > You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm. > > You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.
You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter. > > You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at the county fair. > > You know that "combine" is a noun. > > You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter. > > You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions. > > You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick". > > Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set. > > A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer. > > Saturday you go to your local bowling alley. > > There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning... > > You have driven your car on the lake. > > You can make sense of "upnort" and "batree". > > Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance. > > Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar. > > The local gas station sells live bait. > > At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant. > > You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday. > > Pop is the only name for soda. > > You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your friends!! ~~~ Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Failures keep You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going!
You are so special! Today is " online buddy day "
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
betty, you may have already posted some of these....they sound familiar!!! **********************
Aging, humorously:
An elderly gentleman...had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they 're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "Did you write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
tutu, they do sound familiar but they are funny. with our neuro lyme brains forgetting; we'd never know ifwe read them earlier or not with this great selection! what do you think? let's leave them! lol
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Friendship Bracelet
Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?
Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?
Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are:
I love you, Sorry, and Help me.
Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves? Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty? Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?
Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two-fold?
Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face?
But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?
Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?
Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.
But, don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself, if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold.
Today, the ball of FRIENDSHIP is in your court, send this to those who truly are your friends
Ok, this is what you have to do...: Send to your FRIENDS!
"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10 *********************************
At least I found one to be true!!
http://www.snopes.com/quotes/kenolsen.asp ] "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."
"The Atomic bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers ." -Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what is it good for?" -Engineer at the Advanced ComputingSystems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," -Western Union internal memo, 1876
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible," -A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," -Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make," -Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," -Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this," -Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy," -Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University
"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
And last but not least...
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 *********************************
The Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
[ 19. May 2007, 01:48 AM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought . . . | (you're gonna like this one) | "I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS." ***************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"
***********************
GRAMMA SAYINGS....
Even if we aren't grandma's we know some and this is just precious!
BE SURE YOU WAIT TIL THE PCTURES HAVE MOVEMENT..THIS IS LOVELY
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown
What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal
Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown
Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret
If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith
It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Dave Barry
I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense. ~Gene Perret
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley
Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown
If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie *************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
folks, this starts out serious, but wait until you get to the punch line; now don't cheat going to the bottom ok! that's where the laugh is!
This new version of the "footprints" story really caught me off guard at the end...What a blessing. JUST READ IT!
FOOTPRINTS...A New Version **************************
Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.
But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.
For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling, His consistently.
You and Jesus are walking as true friends!
This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.
Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.
This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger.
Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.
This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints.
You are amazed and shocked. Your dream ends.
Now you pray:
"Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."
"That is correct." "And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely."
"Very good.. You have understood everything so far." When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way."
"Precisely." "So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first."
There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice. "You didn't know? It was then that we danced !"
[ 05. June 2007, 12:49 AM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
=: Reflections On Life :=
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
There is always death and taxes; however... Death doesn't get worse every year.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
Change is inevitable -- except from vending machines.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
People are violently opposed to fur, but not to leather. Why? 'Cuz it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? *********************************************************************
DR. PHIL I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning.
I finished off 23 Coors Lights, a bottle of Absolute, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace. ************************
BARBIE'S DIVORCE DOLL
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir ... , "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and ... One of Ken's Friends ... Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
Here's my joke:
This tick walks into a bar...
and everybody leaves.
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
...and if you don't get that last joke,
can't you read between the lymes?
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Above is beautiful with great music. then go to bottom center, and click on the BLANK area to bring up a menu and look at their MORE STORIES.
in there is a story about CANCER, when you read it, you can put any chronic disease or terminal illness. i just looked at the 2 stories; 40-50+ there!! Bettyg, iowa The Tomato Company
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displa ys the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $ 100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice tr ucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also. ***************************
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided - "old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it."
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. Posted by kelmo (Member # 8797) on :
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYPERSON
ARTERY..........The study of fine paintings
BARIUM...........What you do when CPR fails
CESAREAN SECTIONS..A District in Rome
COLIC............A sheep dog
COMA..............A punctuation mark
CONGENITAL........Friendly
DILATE.............To live long
FESTER.............quicker
GI SERIES........Baseball games between teams of soldiers
GRIPPE.............A suitcase
HANGNAIL...........A coat hook
MEDICAL STAFF......A doctor's cane
MINOR OPERATION.....Coal digging
MORBID..............A higher offer
NITRATE.............Lower than the day rate
NODE................Was aware of
ORGANIC.............Church Musician
OUTPATIENT..........A person who fainted
POST-OPERATIVE......A letter carrier
PROTEIN.............In favor of young people
SECRETION............Hiding anything
Serology.............A Study of English Knighthood
TABLET...............A small table
TUMOR................An extra pair
URINE.................Opposite of You're not
VARICOSE VEINS.........Veins which are very close together
BENIGN..................What you are, after you're eight.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
kelly, cute! reminds me of my norwegian dictionary with many of these!!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine" -----
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself," -----------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids. ------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." --------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1.. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records. ------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. --------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." ----------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" ********************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Boop-Boop-a-Doop
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking? Hello, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your emails. I don't know about you sometimes! *****************************
Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm"
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that.... I'm getting a fax."
folks, what you can't see that i ROFL was a large woman's rear end in a THONG swishing left/right! you had to see to enjoy!! thanks skater!
[ 09. June 2007, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
THE PERFECT DRESS
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do , dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital, and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302. The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.
"The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me $hit."
sounds like us, right?!!! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Seven Degrees of Blonde
Apologies to anyone who is blonde!!!
FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE:
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me! "
THIRD DEGREE:
A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!" .
FOURTH DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE:
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman." ********************************
Posted by kelmo (Member # 8797) on :
There was a shipwreck on a small island. The members of the boat contained two irishmen, two scottsman, two welshmen and two englishmen.
After a month, the men were rescued. In that time, The Scottsman were making whiskey, the Irishman had started a boxing match, The welshman had started a choir....
The two Englishman were still waiting to be introduced.
Kelly
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past 80 years old and I don't even think about intimacy anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes." Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
What game does a young person with Lyme play?
Tick tick toe.
Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
" A one legged Dog walks into a bar and says...
who shot my paw" Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
robin and dana, outstanding great 1-liners!! lol Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Fishing! Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?' and she said, 'Remember to wear sun-block'". ******************************************************* ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage grandaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Mexican Electric Chair
Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throwt he switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone!"
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes grabs his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying: "She's not my wife." "She's not my wife." "She's not my wife!" ~~His funeral service will be held on Monday.~~
***************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Flag Song
Read this along to Elvis singing and you will get chill and maybe even choke up. I did! Having been in the service of our country this means a lot to me. God Bless AMERICA. WE SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children... So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them.
Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
THIS ONE IS WORTH SENDING ON. God Bless...Have A Blessed Day!!!
"Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet." ***************************************************
Welfare Mama A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names. Posted by Tobi (Member # 12354) on :
Howz this sound... "GOT LYME HOT LINE?
Posted by Tobi (Member # 12354) on :
A son said sadly to his father one day after he had a really bad day.
"This is the worst day of my life" cried the son. "No son", replied the father, It's the worst day of your life SO FAR.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
welcome tobi, and thanks for your 2 first posts on our laugher one!
GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED
GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TVAND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.
GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.
GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT. THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD!! hehe!
There were five country churches in a small Texastown The Presbyterian Church,the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Heard this on the news. A young woman was robbed of her purse, shoes, and a brand new cell phone. The robbers were very nice though and left her an old phone so she could call for help after they left.
The phone was not as really that "old".... It contained PHOTOS of the robbers, all smiling into the camera!!! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.
They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..
And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! ! **************************
The Duck & the Devil There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.
As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes". But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help". She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
Thought for the day and every day thereafter?
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, whatever it is...You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long you wil l let the devil make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only forgives you, but He forgets.
It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved. Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share this with a friend and always remember: God is at the window! When Jesus died on the cross; he was thinking of you! **************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
This is a detective story
So Pay Close Attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of ____into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think! Think some more! You're gonna love it
Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded! **********************
A little boy tries to sell his dog, and a man comes by and tells him he could wash the dog and make it look nice and it'll be worth more.
The next time the man comes by, there's the boy with his dog, all washed, with a ribbon around its neck, and a sign: dog for sale -- $10,000. The man asks the boy if he really thinks he will be able to sell his dog for that price and the boy says yes, he will.
The man comes back. The boy is there, the dog is gone. The man asks the boy if he sold the dog. Yes. For $10,000? Yes. How did you do that, asks the man. Answer: I sold my dog for two $5,000 cats! ********************
MY LIVING WILL Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer. Not quite what I had in mind!!
A woman's car gets a flat tire on the motorway one day. So she eases it over onto the hard shoulder.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk and takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrived.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the owner of the vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
*********************************************
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds and Johnny's Mom wants to talk to you now ! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the women became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
Cute Signs Signs over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." ************************** On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop "Best place in town to take a leak." Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
25 year marriage
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond.
Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis! ---------------------------
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called Therapy *************************
First time sex
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
If you DON'T forward this to at least 1 person you have a bad sense of humor !!! ******************************
FUN IDEA!!!
How many shows can we come up with that we USED to watch that are no longer on TV? Add one and keep going.
This should be fun and jog our memories. No repeats on the shows please. Send to all your friends and back to me.
Louise...... ......... ..Little House on the prairie Skoobysnaxx. .......Land of the Giants Denise...... ......... ..Banana Splits Kev-........ ......... ...Lost In Space Zach-....... ......... ..Emergency Kenny....... ......... ..Puff the Magic Dragon Chris....... ......... ...Chip and Dale Brenda ........... .... American Bandstand Deb......... ......... ..Have Gun Will Travel Sher/Snowdear. ..Bonanza Jeanann..... ......... Carol Burnett Show Dorothy..... ......... .Red Skelton Show Manick ........... .. Lassie Judd........ ......... ..Ed Sullivan Show Nick ............ .......Car 54 where are you? Rett........ ......... ..Abbott & Costello Steve....... ......... Dragnet Lace/Ladye ..... "Bewitched"
BlackGable.. ......The Millionaire DJCookie2... ......Bachelor Father BabyBear4u.. ....My Little Margie Lite-Bright. .......Hullaball oo VirgoMan55.. ....The Clay Cole Show finickygril. ......... muppet show Gary_57..... .......The RifleMan Nurselil.... ......... .Ben Casey Cheri....... ......... The Cheryl Ann Lisa........ ......... .All In The Family Lois........ ......... Dark Shadows Joan........ ........Queen for a Day Barbara..... ......Gene Autry KAREN....... ......HOWDY DOODY SHOW Nicole...... .......the smurfs Brenda ............ Where The Action Is Christy..... ........Hey Dude Betty....... ....... What's my line? Sandey...... .......Your Show Of Shows Martin...... ........Buck Rogers Diane ........... ...Roy Rogers Donna....... .......Maw and Paw Kettle Cindy- ........... . Melrose Place Teresa-..... ......Chips Wayne .............. "WANTED" Dead or Alive Bobbi....... ........Name That Tune Mary Frances..... The Hit Parade Dixie ........... ....The Rebel Teddi....... ........Topper Lisa........ ......... .Adam 12 Heidi....... ......... .H.R. Pufnstuff
Kathy .............. That's Incredible! Michele ........... The Munsters Rhonda...... ...... Courtship of Eddie's Father Kathy ............ .. My Three Sons Chuck....... ........ The Real McCoys Chuck....... ........ The Match Game Margarette........ Gomer Pyle
Jude........ ......Marcus Welby M.D. Mary K..........Green Acres Beverly..... .....Phil Donahue Show Jan......... .......Hunter Pam ........... . This Is Your Life! Gloria............ . Dallas Peggy..... ....Pettycoat Junction Betty....... ...I Love Lucy Marilyn.......The Dick Van Dyke Show Barbara..... ..Let's Make a Deal Kathy....... ...Get Smart Sheressa.... .. Candid Camera Courtney.... Rawhide Robert...... ...The Fugitive Mo.......... .Wagon Train, very old western. Debbe.....Leave It To Beaver Sue .... I've Got A Secret Marge ........In the Heat of the Night Tommy....... .Palidin Debbie...... ....Quincy Brandi...... .. The Chronicles of Avonlea JANELLE.... THE GREAT SPACE COASTER
D.............The Fall Guy Mistie..........Beverly Hillibilly's Jessica......Laverne and Shirley Jennifer... . My Little Pony Phyllis..... ..Maverick Rosie....... Mickey Mouse Club Linda........The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis Rusty........Mr. Ed Nancy........Hollywood Squares Julie.....................The Big Valley Judy.............Kung Fu Betty .......Cheyenne Jack ........Amos and Andy Patricia............Gunsmoke
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid." Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
"I went to a seafood disco ....and pulled a mussel"
"What do you call a fish with no eyes...fsh"
"An invisible man marries an invisable woman. The kids where nothing to look at either"
"Deja Moo: The feeling you have heard this bull before" Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Dana, those were precious; a play upon words!
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."
Grammar Lesson
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down.
But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.
He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,"123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life .. just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for ?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.
[ 31. July 2007, 01:26 AM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
PS...wished the little old senior citizen would have showed up running nude away from us all; quite a show!
Have a Great Day! **************************
THE MENTAL HOSPITAL STORY
Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
***************** YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH This is pretty neat. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757...If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. ***********************
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I didn't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
My Rezimay
Deer Sur,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.
I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.
Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited
My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.
Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May McBiggins
PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low. .
Employer's response:
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK, we have spell check.
NOTE: in case the photo does not show up, it's a tall, lean, big-busted blond with long hair! **********************************************
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children ====================================
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ". -------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." -------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." -------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" -------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." -------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." -------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
13 Things PMS Stands For: *********************
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing < BR> 8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. ****y Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one ...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
***********
Don't Break The Elastic!!
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day, like her breasts.
They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.
The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
If you don't send this to someone else, the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles! ;-)
Believe me, I didn't take any chances on MY elastic breaking....I sent it to a lot of special people I care for. Don't Break The Elastic!! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
***THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST...
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts?"
Nope.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and Neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 100,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn' t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats!!
1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it is now getting too much for me.
18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but still have no satisfaction.
23) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. *********************
Wrong side of the bed
Mother Superior was on herway to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies,Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed,Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica. May God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers." *********************************************************** This is being sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
Subject: 1975 - 2005
1975: Long hair 2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG 2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock 2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool 2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems 2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW 2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a new, hip joint 2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones 2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office 2005: Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system 2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco 2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test 2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever 2005: Depends Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog, or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
The dog was tied to the telepho ne system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pi$$ing and moaning. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes" ~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~
My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~
The Back Pew
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen". *****************************************
The below had great baby photos to go with each of these sayings; precious!
How To Get Through Life ***********************
Sleep as much as you can ....
Read books that you enjoy...
Play with simple things...
Do whatever you want -- whenever you want...
Look for affection when you need it...
Get serious once in a while...
Forget about diets...
Show some affection...
"Get angry once in a while..."
Change your looks...
Above all, be happy, regardless of what your challenges may be...
Have a great life! May your troubles be less.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
With age comes wisdom
COOP is 71 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
_____________________________________
THE HONEYMOON
Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well,"said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home, "PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful. WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook ..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother. ***************************************
For All Who Think They Know Everything........
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------------------------------------- In the 1400's, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------------------------------------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ------------------------------------------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now gets this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ----------------------------------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 ------------------------------------------ The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 -------------------------------------------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. --------------------------------------------- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ---------------------------------------------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great leader from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs - Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ------------------------------------------- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ----------------------------------------------- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ------------------------------------------ Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ----------------------------------------------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace -------------------------------------------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ---------------------------------------------- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand --------------------------------------------- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women. ------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey --------------------------------------------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ---------------------------------------------- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." -------------------------------------------- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ----------------------------------------------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ---------------------------------------------- Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ---------------------------------------------- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! --------------------------------------------- Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr th e ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? -----------------------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 When...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. ***************************************** NUMBER 6
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie; popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. " I meant my Dress Size, you dumb *** !!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH..... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT..... Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
God and Harley Davidson
Arthur Davidson the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world...your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well", said Arthur, "a professional to a professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there", replied God. "Hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers more men are riding my invention than yours. ******************************
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: ********************
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
*****************
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START ********************************
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets ."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
What to say when next you are speaking to "Dennis" in India...
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door of your business." operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open." ***** Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" ***** Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?" Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?" ***** Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe) "If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ***** Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." ***** Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland." ***** On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on." ***** Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ***** Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ***** Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?" Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him. 'You try again !' Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A Wild Friday Night at My House"...
How True it is
Another year has passed and we all are a little older Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts, to put down on my pad, But lots of things that come to mind just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand about "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends' homes, football games and lunches. Now we go to therapy, hospitals, and after-funeral brunches.
We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel to places near and far. Now we get backaches from riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping for new clothing at the Mall But, now we never bother ... all the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told. So, enjoy each day and live it up ... before you're too darned old!!
Where the heck did the years go -
Live everyday with enjoyment - we don't know what tomorrow will give us.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this !) A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word " benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. **************
The Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate Funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the Casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the Casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the Doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into Laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm Sorry, I was just thinking of my own Funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted. *************************************
CHEWING GUM and flying!
During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed........
"Damn!........ And all these years I've been chewing gum." *****************************
the below was typed in shape of a bell!
The Bell I KNOW WHO I AM I am God's child ( John 1:12) I am Christ's friend (John 15:15) I am united with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17) I am bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19-20) I am a saint (set apart for God). (Eph. 1:1) I am a personal witness of Christ (Acts 1:8) I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt. 5:13-14) I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27) I am free forever from condemnation ( Rom.8: 1-2) I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant (Phil.3:20) I am free from any charge against me (Rom. 8:31-34) I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor.5:17-21) I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph 2:18) I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph. 2:6) I cannot be separated from the love of God ( Rom.8:35-39) I am established, anointed, sealed by God (2 Cor. 1:21-22) I am assured all things work together for good ( Rom. 8: 28) I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit ( John 15:16) I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph. 3: 12) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13) I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5) I am God's temple (1 Cor. 3: 16). I am complete in Christ (Col. 2: 10) I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3). I have been justified (Romans 5:1) I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10) I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected (Phil. 1: 5) I have been redeemed and forgiven (Col. 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child (Eph 1:5) I belong to God !
Keep this bell ringing!! Working for God on earth does not pay much, but....His Retirement plan is out of this world!! ****************************
A neat story...
I hope you take the time to read it. ***********************************
The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like that she had never missed a meal in her life. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before.
"Leave me alone," he growled.
To his amazement, the woman continued standing. She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows.
"Are you hungry?" she asked.
"No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the president. Now go away." The woman's smile became even broader. Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. "What are you doing, lady?"the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me alone."
Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked.
"No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?"
The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?"
"See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile."
"Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.
"Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything."
"This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow it."
Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived. The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by he table.
"What's going on here, officer?" he asked. "What is all this. Is this man in trouble?"
"This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered.
"Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business."
Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady. I told you so. Now if you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place."
The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?"
"Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms."
"And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?"
"What business is that of yours?"
"I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company." "Oh."
The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference." She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?"
"No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty."
"Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?"
"Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."
The cafeteria manager turned on his heel. "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer."
The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place," he said.
"That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this."
She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared at him intently. "Jack, do you remember me?"
Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes "I think so -- I mean you do look familiar."
"I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry."
"Ma'am?" the officer said questioningly. He couldn't believe that such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.
"I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat."
Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said. "I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy."
"I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that you would get into trouble. Then, when I looked over, I saw you put the price of my food in the cash register. I knew then that everything would be all right."
"So you started your own business?" Old Jack said.
"I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business, that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons. He's the personnel director of my company.
I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office." She smiled. "I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet. If you ever need anything, my door is always opened to you. There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you? " he said.
"Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus. He led me to you."
Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways. "Thank you for all your help, officer," she said.
"On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget. And...And thank you for the coffee."
Have a Wonderful Day And May God Bless You Always Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
when you read this, read this with YOUR illnesses in mind ok!!
OLD AGE IS LIKE A BANK ACCOUNT!
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coiffed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less.
This really got to me; hope it did you! Bettyg *******************
a death notice
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey " died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. *******************
THE DRUNK AND THE MOTORCYCLIST!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, She is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says........
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk." ***************************************
lot of us take advantage of frequent flier miles, and sometimes, frequent flier miles can even mean a free trip!
Yet, can you imagine spending over $3,000 on pudding all in an effort to get free travel miles? One person did; here's his story. Thanks, and enjoy! -- Alex :-)
Frequent Flier Miles in the Millions ...
According to the San Francisco Examiner, Mike Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles.
Oh, yeah - he's also going to claim an $815 tax write-off.
Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye: He could earn 500 miles for every 10 Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to the company by December 31.
Even better: Any bar codes mailed by the end of the month would rack up double the mileage or 1,000 miles for every 10 labels.
"I started doing the math, and I realized that this was a great deal," he said. "I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way."
Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each. He filled his cart with them, and then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store. And there he hit the mother lode.
"They had individual servings of chocolate pudding for 25 cents apiece," he said. "And each serving had its own bar code on it. I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans."
Phillips cleaned the store out - bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse. He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlets in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van, spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno. "There were 10 stores in all," he said. "Luckily, most of them were right off the freeway."
He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and stacked additional cases in his living room. But Phillips wasn't finished yet-he had the manager of his local Grocery Outlet order him 60 more cases. "A few days later I went out behind the store," he said, "and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with my name on them."
All in all, he'd purchased 12,150 individual servings of pudding. Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow readers of the Webflyer Web site, where he posted an account under the name "Pudding Guy."
Phillips' tale was met with skepticism, if not outright disbelief, until he uploaded photos of his haul. They're still there, at http://www.flyertalk.com/pudding.htm
But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands: The deadline for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there was simply no way Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar codes in time.
"I had to come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast" he said.
Phillips trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation.
"We'd never seen anything like it," said Larry Hostetler, community relations director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. "We've gotten some big donations, but always from companies and institutions, not individual people."
Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then held his breath. The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any Healthy Choice product," he said. "But still, it seemed like there was a good chance they'd get me on some technicality."
But then packages - large packages - started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice. In all, they contained 2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles. That's 1,253,000 miles.
Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mileage posted in any airline account. He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest accounts and posted the rest--1,037,000 miles--to his American Airlines account.
By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has AAdvantage Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority boarding, upgrades, and bonus miles.
While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math--as you might have noticed by now, he's very, very good at math--and figured out that scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or 42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in the U.S.
"Wow - 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000," I said. "That's less than $100 a ticket."
"Oh, it's better than that," Phillips said. "Since I gave the pudding to charity, I can take a tax write-off of $815. So that brings the cost of a ticket to Europe down to $75."
As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn't donate all his stash to the food banks. He kept about 100 servings for himself, and he's just about finished them. "Actually," he said, "I really like the stuff." Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!" Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls." lol
A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Baby Airplanes
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did.
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you." **********************
Sick leave I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my blonde co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "...and where do you think you're going?!" "I'm going home too ."
the Boss asked, "Why?" (You're gonna love this....) The blonde replied, "Because I can't work in the dark!" ******************************
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered, and it shows a BP sign and the bee peeing into a pail!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
this one is serious; at the end is the current journal update for GARY GEDEN NORBUT, please be sure to read about our dear lymenet friend going thru esophagus cancer surgery in near future! *******************************************
And while we're on the subject of SENIORS...
Some of the artists of the 60's & 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker . Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone. Abba--- Denture Queen. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To. And my favorite: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again! lol
****************************************** THIS is Dr Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out! Read on, this is very interesting!
Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.
The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends. & Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today . It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so...grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.
Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.
Ready?? Begin...
1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon and early evening c) late at night
2. You usually walk. .. a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with l ittle steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly
3. When talking to people you.. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, ! touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with.. a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smil e
6. When you go to a party or soc ial gathering you.. a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for som eone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted....... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray < BR> 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few m oments before going to sleep you are.. a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant
OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natur al leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as b old an d adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement! you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make a nd who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot t o shak e your trust In your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would! really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know y ou wel l know that you aren't.
Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail, like this: "Dr.Phil's Test, I'm a 47" ********************************************
Dear Betty,
A new journal entry for Gary Norbut's CaringBridge site was posted at 06:05 AM on 09/10/2007. Read the latest update now by using this link: www.caringbridge.org/visit/garynorbut Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Here are some tips for investing those big bucks this year. I went over them with my broker at Edward Jones and he and I like these. Pony up on the bucks and get ready to drag some real dollars into your back pocket.
These are the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor. Watch for these consolidations in 2007-2008.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally ....
9. VICTORIA's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A man in Topeka , Kansas , decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco , and then started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thank ed the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Minnesota and entered a church in Little Falls, MN. Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could t alk to God. But in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'
I love this part............................. The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in Minnesota now......You're in God's Country, it's a local call.' ****************************
3 Things
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back - 1. Time 2. Words 3. Opportunity
Three things in life that can destroy a person - 1. Anger 2. Pride 3. Unforgiveness
Three things in life that you should never lose 1. Hope 2. Peace 3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable - 1. Love 2. Family & Friends 3. Kindness
Three things in life that are never certain - 1. Fortune 2. Success 3. Dreams
Three things that make a person - 1. Commitment 2. Sincerity 3. Hard work
Three things that are truly constant - Father - Son - Holy Spirit
I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today; to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way. God's love is always with you, God's promises are true. And when you give God all your cares, you know God will see you through.
Pass this along to People you want God to Bless - I just did!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the Senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
God is like Television commercials ???
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like. BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles.
God is like a FORD He's got a better idea.
God is like. COKE He's the real thing.
(This is great)
God is like HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like. TIDE He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like. GENERAL ELECTRIC He brings good things to life.
God is like. SEARS He has everything.
God is like. ALKA-SELTZER Try Him, you'll like Him
God is like. SCOTCH TAPE You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
God is like. DELTA He's ready when you are.
God is like. ALLSTATE You're in good hands with Him.
God is like. VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like. DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
(that one is my favorite)
God is like. the U.S. POST OFFICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
God is like. Chevrolet. .the heart beat of America
God is like Maxwell house. . . Good to the very last drop
God is like. Bounty. . He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . and He won't fall apart on you
BLESSINGS FROM MY HOUSE TO YOUR HOUSE! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'." ***********************
zipper
a man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. a lady cashier walked up to him and said, "your barracks door is open." not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
when he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "your fly is open." he zipped up and finished his shopping. at the checkout he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door".
he was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "when you saw my barracks door open, did you see a marine standing in there at attention"?
the lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said
" no, no i didn''t, all i saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".
*****************
And They Ask---Why I Like Retirement????
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing Saturday & Sunday I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.
Happiness is a voyage, not a destination, there is no better time to be happy than NOW
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Einstein's theory
March 19th was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Oh, be quiet . . .I didn't write this. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
**************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MUSTACHE
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
The first owner of the Marlboro Company die d of lung cancer. So did the first "MarlboroMan."
PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!) ********************************************
And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
The Duck & the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa . He shot and dropped abird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming overhere."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Iowa. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." *********************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Circumcised - this is priceless!
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".
KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
***********************************
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --
SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS
and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!
*********
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short,
Break the rules,
forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love Truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you Smile.
Send to all the people you love and don't want to lose in 2007
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should Dance
***************
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING: DO NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end!
(I don't know if this is true, but it's a cool story... Dolly)
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called, "Smile."
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.
I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling".
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.
He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
T he second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.
I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).
Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blu e eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you.
God is here working through me to give you hope."
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.
Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being par t of God! share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
There is an Angel sent to watch over you.
In order for her to work, you must pass this on to the people you want watched over.
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
************
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So, the wife
offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on
her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had
before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his
youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" My darling" she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek"
If this doesn't make you smile, nothing will.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Chinese Proverb:
"When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others!
Thought For The Day
"Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!" *******************************************
Don't be flattered,
this message was sent to ME!!
I just wanted YOU to read it, ********************************
Fern and Bamboo..what a great story! *******************************
This is the day the LORD has made ; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
Don't give up..... ****************
One day I decided to quit... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?" His answer surprised me... "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said. "In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots.
Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you." "Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high" "How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return. "As high as it can?" I questioned. "Yes."
He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you. Never, Never, Never Give up. ******************************************
For the Christian Prayer is not an option but an opportunity. Don't tell the Lord how big the problem is, tell the problem how Great the Lord is! Heavens door open this morning, God asked me... My CHILD...what can I do for you?" and I said "Father, please protect and bless the one reading this message.
God smiled and answered ... request granted. This message is now in your hands. What will YOU do with it? You never know when GOD is going to bless you!! Good things happen when You least expect them to!
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Osama Bin Laden died and went to heaven......[OK, believe what you want! ]
and when he got there, George Washington punched him in the face. Then came Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, John Adams, and about 60+ other founders of the country.
They all pummeled him and Osama yelled out, "This is not what I was promised!!"
God said, "I told you that you would be with 72 Virginians!!" Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
not humorous, but very touching
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.
He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son.. Who will bid for this picture?"
There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings.. Skip this one."
But the auctioneer persisted. "Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"
But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!" The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over." "What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.
The man who took the son gets everything!"
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him
and him and him."
share the hymns with someone who needs a smile..
If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here Pass it on to your friends Keep spreading the Cheer.
[ 19. January 2008, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Women over 40
Why Older Chicks Rule - by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".
Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best t friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
TO MY LYME FRIENDS,
i know we have different views on this subject, but it was quite and i was NOT expecting this punch line! bettyg
*************
Love Story
I will seek and find you . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love, The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
COLONOSCOPY love this one!!
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examinin g room , and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down . While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly
a rubber glove
and a beer ********
When the doctor finally came in I said, 'Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam . I know what the K-Y?is for and I know what the glove is for,but can you tell me what the BEER is for ?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .
Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT' *****************************
Four Worms and a lesson____
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" ++++++++++++++++++++
That pretty much ended the service -- :)__________________________________________________
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Seniors' Halloween An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go any way I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tally whacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?"
He replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator. lol
**************************
16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 45 YEARS TO LEARN: By Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person.
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have with dinner
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
[Let's see how well that Lyme brain of yours is working! ]
Tall Tales Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND! After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry... "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery." ****************************************
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND! After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry... "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery." ****************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
THE BOY AND THE PUPPY..had great graphics too!
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence,
the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands. -------------------
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and Panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ***********
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD
This Is AMAZING!!! I never knew this.
Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it was determined by color or size. Until Now.
Which of The Two Birds Is a Female??? Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female. It can be done. Even by someone with limited bird watching skills.
fyi.....if it does not show up, the one bird is talking ALL the time!! lol
Send this to all of the men you know, who could do with a good laugh
and to all women who have a great sense of humor................ *****************************************
5 RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: ******************************************
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. ***************************************
THE OUTHOUSE
The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet-red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised, To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tyke Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!" Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Time passes. Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT - Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim,
cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, nieces, ousins and extended family all bless our life. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each ther.
Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did. There are more than 20 angels in this world;
10 are peacefully sleeping on clouds, nine are playing, and one is reading her email at this moment!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.
"What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked. "Puppy size!" replied the mother.
"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for." "I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration...
Just then Danielle came walking into the office. "Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. "You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.
Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration.
"We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.
Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup.
The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.
"Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"
"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said.
"No not size.. the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said.
"Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.
"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said.
Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but only the moments that take our breath away." ********************************
NEW TURKEY RECIPE
Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!! You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes. 2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. 3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve. 4. W atch your guests' faces...
May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!
Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E. coli, the bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of concentrated poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service *********************************************
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
up for anyone who needs a SMILE!! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
FIREMEN SEX !!
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, We are going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the heck is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied, YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE. lol
Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.
"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
If you like this, send this on to the people you really care about. I did.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS A PIECE OF CAKE! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
read after the initial story for the SENIOR version of jesus loves me..... cute!
Special Hymn Many years ago, while watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years...... He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.
After a warm welcome and introduction of this speaker, as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind, he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak.... .. "When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials.
The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heart break and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me......the only thing that would comfort was this verse...
"Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong, We are weak but he is strong..... Yes, Jesus loves me... The Bible tells me so."
When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.
A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."
Senior version of "Jesus Loves Me".
Here is a new version just for us who have white hair, or no hair at all.
For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of "Jesus Loves Me". It is quite good, so read, sing and enjoy:"
"JESUS LOVES ME"
Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair is white as snow. Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me trust in Him. (CHORUS) YES, JESUS LOVES ME..YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO. Though my steps are oh, so slow With my hand in His I'll go On through life, let come what may, He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS) Though I am no longer young, I have much which He's begun. Let me serve Christ with a smile, Go with others the extra mile.
(CHORUS) When the nights are dark and long, In my heart He puts a song. Telling me in words so clear, "Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS) When my work on earth is done, And life's victories have been won. He will take me home above, Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS) I love Jesus, does He know? Have I ever told Him so? Jesus loves to hear me say, That I love Him every day.
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to your friends If you do not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an opportunity to "Reach out and Touch" a friend or a loved one.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
This is very relaxing, believe it or not! Enjoy!!
This is really neat! MOVE THE CURSOR AROUND THE SCREEN.
Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!! You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests! Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes. 2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details) 3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve. 4. Watch your guests' faces...
great photo not shown on the turkey wearing a TWO-PIECE BIKINI !!
May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving **********************
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Sun City Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, ' Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'
They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis.
Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a momen t, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying 'That's 40 cents, please'
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their mart inis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired from Ford. They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price!' ***************
I Found It !
And you thought there was no such place, huh????
You will all be so pleased to receive this....... How many times have we been 'up there without one!'
IT SHOWED A PHOTO OF A STORE NAMED, "**** CREEK" SELLING PADDLES!! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
to my friends, i'm going to start this one out seriously for one of our dear members, carol ann!
please put Carol Ann and John Schaffner in your prayer chain; they are going thru some really rough times. John had his esophagus removed earlier, and now more cancer is in his body with complications. Please pray for their family as they go thru this, and they may see improvements daily in John! thank you ALL for my lymenet friend!! bettyg, IOWA lyme activist ********************************
A new journal entry for Gary Norbut's CaringBridge site was posted at 01:01 PM on 11/10/2007.
Charles Plumb, a US Naval Academy graduate, was a jet fighter pilot in Vietnam.
After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent six years in a communist Vietnamese prison.
He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience.
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb. "I packed your parachute," the man replied.
Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!"
Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."
Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man.
Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he might have looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom trousers.
I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said "Good morning," "How are you?" or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.
Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time, the fate of someone he didn't know.
Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?"
Everyone has someone who provides what he or she needs to make it through the day. Plumb also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory -- he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute.
He called on all these supports before reaching safety. Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason.
As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize those people who pack your parachute. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
TO MY: SISTER CHICKS!
Girlfriend and Sister's Week
I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends I have.
To the cool women who have touched my life Here's to you!
National Girlfriends Day
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants and shopping, lunching, and traveling girls?
Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake! TO MY GIRLFRIENDS! Be Happy!
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Have a great day and relax.
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!! **********************
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's great.........that's really great..some *******'s got my pen ;)__________________________________________________
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
some serious stuff but inspirational!!
"How far that little candle throws its beam. So shines a good deed in a naughty world..." Wm. Shakespearre: the Bard of Avon
THE CANDLE
NOTICE AT THE END, THE DATE
THE CANDLE WAS STARTED.
GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS.
I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable --
angels have walked beside me all my life--and they still do. *********************
This is to all of you who mean something to me,
I pray for your happiness.
The Candle Of Love, Hope & Friendship
() |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| ---|
This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998. SOMEONE THAT LOVES YOU IS HELPING keep it alive by sending it to you.
Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope
and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love! May God richly bless you and
Please keep this candle alive
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
*************************************************
This is great. . Click on this URL to see the house that I found for sale.
This house is so awesome, that we all have been invited to invest in it. (if you click scroll bar once, it will auto scroll) Turn your speakers on.
Smile ====== A little girl walked to and from school daily.
The weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following each roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly Got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her,
"What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."
****************************
Judy wrote: 20 THINGS TO REMEMBER ==========================
1. Faith is the ability to not panic.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.
3. As a child of God, prayer is kinda like calling home every day.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings.
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh every day - it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people.
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional. (Preach it!)
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
16. We do not remember days but moments. Life moves too fast so enjoy your precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's just hearsay.
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. Leave gentle fingerprints on the soul of another for the angels to read. I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. *********************GOD CALLING ON CHAT LINE!
Did You Call Me? ================= God: Hello. Did you call me? Me: Called you? No... Who is this?
God: This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So, I thought I will chat. Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now.
God: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too. Me: Don't know. But, I can't find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.
God: Sure. Activity gets you busy. Productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it. Me: I understand. Yet, I still can't figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to call me on instant messaging chat
God: I wanted to solve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this internet era, I wanted to reach you through the way in which you would understand.
Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now? God: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis makes it complicated.
Me: Why are we constantly unhappy? God: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.
Me: How can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty? God: Uncertainty is inevitable. Worrying is optional.
Me: There is so much pain due to uncertainty. God: Pain is inevitable - it will come. Suffering is optional, you can choose.
Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people also suffer? God: Diamonds cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but, don't suffer. With that experience, their life becomes better, not bitter.
Me: You mean to say such experience is useful? God: Yes. Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afteds.
Me: Still, why should we go through such tests? Why can't we be free from problems? God: Problems are purposeful roadblocks offering beneficial lessons to develop strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.
Me: Frankly, in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading ... God: If you look outside, you will not know where you are going.
Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.
Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do? God: Success is a measurement decided by others. Satisfaction is a measurement decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.
Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated? God: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.
Me: What surprises you about people? God: When they suffer they ask, "Why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me?" Everyone wishes to have truth on their side. Few want to be on the side of the truth.
Me: Sometimes, I ask, "Who am I? Why am I here?" I can't get the answer. God: Seek not to find who you are, but, to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery. It's a process of creation.
Me: How can I get the best out of life? God: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.
Me: One last question. Sometimes, I feel my prayers are not answered. God: There are no unanswered prayers. At times, the answer is "NO."
Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat. God: Well, keep the faith and drop the fear.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
wow steve! you've got an outstanding voice! i'm on dialup taking forever to download and will play i once it downlods; then here 2 seconds of it until it's complete; then it will pllay whole song s on!
getting ready to log off; back later! gld i got to listen to this one. my favorite.
also, since you are new steve;; you do NOT have to quote folks; just show their name in your response is good enough .
trying tro make things easier for you since you are so sick still..
[ 16. November 2007, 02:28 AM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
BRA SIZES!!
Keep Scrolling down to the bra sizes...
For all my lady friends,,,,,
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
:lol:A Norwegian Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant,....
"Ya, Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and ve don't vant to close da clinic. So, I vant yew to take care of da clinic and any patients dat might come." "Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how vas yur day?"
Ole tells him, "I took care of 3 patients. Da first vun had a headache so I give him TYLENOL." "Ya sure, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor. "Da second vun had stomach burning, so I give him MAALOX, sir" says Ole. "Ya sure, you betcha, Ole! Yew're good at dis and vaat about da turd vun?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I vas sittin' here and suddenly da door opens and a voman enters like a flame. She pulls off her dress, flings her long undervear in da corner, lies down on da table and shouts: "HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
"And vhat did you do, Ole?" asks the doctor. "Vell, naturlly, I give her some eye drops......"
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
HOW MEDICAL DECISIONS ARE MADE!
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ******* in administration.
God chooses what we go through; we choose how we go through it. ******************************
Abbey; dog died; 4 yr. old wrote letter to god in heaven; touching!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming **************
A smile to start your day.................... There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, " What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, " I don�t know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know here I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain."
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "Just what did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Moral of the story: Never, EVER lie to a female OF ANY AGE!!!
**************
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, The old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you Might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well... my job is done. Your turn! *********************************
SERIOUS BELOW ... WARNING FOR DOG LOVERS!
If you have a dog... PLEASE read this and send it on. If you don't have a dog, please pass along to friends who do. Written by: Laurinda Morris, DVM Danville Veterinary Clinic Danville , Ohio
This week I had the first case in history of raisin toxicity ever seen at MedVet. My patient was a 56-pound, 5 yr old male neutered lab mix that ate half a canister of raisins sometime between 7:30 AM and 4:30 PM on Tuesday. He started with vomiting, diarrhea and shaking about 1AM on Wednesday but the owner didn't call my emergency service until 7AM
I had heard somewhere about raisins AND grapes causing acute Renal failure but hadn't seen any formal paper on the subject.
We had her bring the dog in immediately. In the meantime, I called the ER service at MedVet, and the doctor there was like me - had heard something about it, but....
Anyway, we contacted the ASPCA National Animal Poison Control Center and they said to give IV fluids at 11/2 times maintainance and watch the kidney values for the next 48-72 hours.
The dog's BUN (blood urea nitrogen level) was already at 32 (normal less than 27) and creatinine over 5 (1.9 is the high end of normal).
Both are monitors of kidney function in the bloodstream. We placed an IV catheter and started the fluids. Rechecked the renal values at 5 PM and the BUN was over 40 and creatinine over 7 with no urine production after a liter of fluids.
At the point I felt the dog was in acute renal failure and sent him on to MedVet for a urinary catheter to monitor urine output overnight as well as overnight care.
He started vomiting again overnight at MedVet and his renal values have continued to increase daily. He produced urine when given lasix as a diuretic.
He was on 3 different anti-vomiting medications and they still couldn't control his vomiting. Today his urine output decreased again, his BUN was over 120, his creatinine was at 10, his phosphorus was very elevated and his blood pressure, which had been staying around 150, skyrocketed to 220..
He continued to vomit and the owners elected to euthanize .
This is a very sad case - great dog, great owners who had no idea raisins could be a toxin. Please alert everyone you know who has a dog of this very serious risk.
Poison control said as few as 7 raisins or grapes could be toxic. Many people I know give their dogs grapes or raisins as treats including our ex-handler's.. Any exposure should give rise to immediate concern.
Even if you don't have a dog, you might have friends who do. This is worth passing on to them. Confirmation from Snopes about the above...
Have a great Thanksgiving.. Sandi ditto from bettyg....BUCKLE UP, SLOW DOWN, and DRIVE SAFELY!
Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, at the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and started driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there, across the median, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them............You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time." lol **************
~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT!!!!!
A sick man turned to his doctor,
as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
'Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side.'
Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'
'You don't know?
You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?'
The doctor was holding the handle of the door;
on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,
and as he opened the door,
a dog sprang into the room
and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
'Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of death,
I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet
when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning :
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse , I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
And so, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.
REMEMBER..... EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON .
One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a Friend. -----------------------------------------
A woman recently received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
She tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, she was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
She shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, she threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that she hurt the parrot, She quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto her outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
She was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?" ******************************
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Subject: Housework was a woman's job !
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children had one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that .., Ralph was too tired.."
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Lena's Cookbook Diary
Monday: It's fun to cook for Ole. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to lend me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Ole wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Ole brought a friend home for supper
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Ole asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Ole asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Ole did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Ole keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Some of Ole's friends came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Ole. If I can talk Ole into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
*****************
OCIAL SECURITY SEX *******************
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' haha ***********************
In addition to "Dust if You Must" :
No one ever went to their grave wishing they did more house work, or stayed longer hours working at the office, etc.
Most often people, who are at their time of transition in their life, wish they had spent more time with their families.
In regards to life and our "Stuff" : Have you ever seen a U-Haul behind a hearse?
Dust If You Must =================
How many countless hours have I spent cleaning? I used to spend at least 8 to 12 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect, "in case someone came over." Then one day I realized that no one came over; they were all out living life, having fun!
Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition" of my home; they are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and enjoying it!
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice:
Life is short - enjoy it while you can! And people don't care if your house is spotless just as long as they're welcome.
Dust if you must but wouldn't it be better, To paint a picture or write a letter, Bake a cake or plant a seed, Ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must but there's not much time, With rivers to swim and mountains to climb, Music to hear and books to read, Friends to cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must but the world's out there With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, A flutter of snow, a shower of rain, This day will not come around again.
Dust if you must but bear in mind, Old age will come and it's not kind. And when you go and go you must, You, yourself, will make more dust.
Remember, a house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture!
~Author Unknown~
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.... :-) ******************************
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU??? AND I THOUGHT YOU ALWAYS HAVE HAD THAT SENSE . . .
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:
holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you
but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHO WE ARE. You are special Don't EVER forget it." Count your blessings, not your problems.
And remember: amateurs built the ark . Professionals: built the Titanic Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year.
I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below: How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically ap pealing), etc.
These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic * Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh * No more bending over to mop up spills * Disposable and biodegradable * Environmentally safe * Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
ps ... wished you could have seen the photo that came with this; ALL DRESSED UP!! *******************************
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" *****************************************
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." ****************************
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" ******************************** Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." *************************************************
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from h is chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?" ***************************
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" *********************************
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." *****************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." **************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful." **************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." **********************************
Husband: Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone! Husband: It won't take long. Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Husband: I can't sleep without it. Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot. Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times. Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate. Husband: You don't love me anymore. Wife: Yes, I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Husband: Please...come on Wife: All right, I'll do it. Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Wife: I can't find it. Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! Wife: There! Are you satisfied? Husband: Oh, yes. Wife: Is it up far enough? Husband: Oh yes, that's good. Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, get up and do it yourself. ******************************************************* MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS.
We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.
Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.
Here is your dose of humor...
A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers.
Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you , so they know you participated.
And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!
The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... So:-
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = snickle b = doombah c = goober d = cheesey e = crusty f = greasy g = dumbo h = farcus I = dorky j = doofus k = funky l = boobie m = sleezy n = sloopy o = fluffy p = stinky q = slimy r = dorfus s = snooty t = tootsie u = dipsy v = sneezy w = liver x = skippy y = dinky z = zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = dippin b = feather c = batty d = burger e = chicken f = barffy g = lizard h = waffle i = farkle j = monkey k = flippin l = fricken m = bubble n = rhino o = potty p = hamster q = buckle r = gizzard s = lickin t = snickle u = chuckle v = pickle w = lickin x = dingle y = gorilla z = girdle
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt b = boob c = face d = nose e = hump f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = head l = tush m = chunks n = dunkin o = brains p = biscuits q = toes r = doodle s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = frack w = squirt x = humperdinck y = hiney z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.
And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day . *******************************************************************************************
************************************** Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" *********************************************
can't believe i'm 11 days behind in adding goodies to this post! uffda
Three Things In Life!
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back
1. Time 2. Words 3. Opportunity
Three things in life that can destroy a person
1. Anger 2. Pride 3. Unforgiveness
Three things in life that you should never lose
1. Hope 2. Peace 3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable
1. Love 2. Family 3. Kindness
Three things in life that are never certain
1. Fortune 2. Success 3. Dreams
Three things that make a person
1. Commitment 2. Sincerity 3. Hard work
Three things that are truly constant -
Father - Son - Holy Spirit
I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today, to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way. God's love is always with you, God's promises are true. And when you give God all your cares, you know God will see you through.
Please pass this along to People you want God to Bless. I just did! **************
CATHOLIC GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.' **********************************
Thought this was too cute to pass up on sharing...it's worth the extra effort!!!
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends: B-1
The quality of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
I should keep my words soft and sweet in case I have to eat them.
One thing I can give and still keep: my word.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
Ideas won't work unless ' I' do.
My mind is like a parachute... it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not multiple choice.
It is never too late to become all God can make me.
Have a blessed day! ************************
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 or more!
If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8 You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is ginally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list!
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
***************************
Music: "That's the Way Love Goes"
Charles Schultz Philosophy:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schultz *************************
Dear Lord,
Every single evening As I'm lying here in bed, This tiny little Prayer Keeps running through my head: God bless all my family Wherever they may be, Keep them warm and safe from harm For they're so close to me. And God, there is one more thing I wish that you could do; Hope you don't mind me asking, Please bless my computer too. Now I know that it's unusual To Bless a motherboard, But listen just a second While I explain it to you, Lord. You see, that little metal box Holds more than odds and ends; Inside those small compartments Rest so many of my friends. I know so much about them By the kindness that they give, And this little scrap of metal Takes me in to where they live. By faith is how I know them Much the same as you. We share in what life brings us And from that our friendships grew. Please take an extra minute From your duties up above, To bless those in my address book That's filled with so much love. Wherever else this prayer may reach To each and every friend, Bless each e-mail inbox And each person who hits "send". When you update your Heavenly list On your own Great CD-ROM, Bless everyone who says this prayer Sent up to GOD.com Amen
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I like that last prayer, betty!!
===================
One of the girls on Jewelry Television said in reference to chocolate diamonds..... "It's chocolate without the hail damage to the thighs!!"
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Hope your speakers are working, thought this was cute, especially the sunflower following the sun. I AIN'T GOT A BARREL OF MONEY, BUT . . . This is really neat! THIS MADE MY DAY AND I HOPE IT MAKES YOURS ALSO. TURN YOUR SOUND ON, CLICK HERE, AND ENJOY.
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone .
THESE ARE FOR YOU!!
RETURN TO SENDER Forward to all your friends, including me. And don't tell me you're too busy for this. Don't you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'? See how many bouquets you end up with!
Happiness keeps you Sweet, Trials keep you Strong, Sorrows keep you Human, Failures keep you Humble, Success keeps you Glowing, But Only God Keeps You Going!
THE TEQUILA TEST
If this doesn't make you laugh -- then you must really be having a bad day!!! This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it in to th e jar."OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Another good reason not to drink tequila!!!! *******************************************
I wish every one a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. *****************
Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles-
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection-little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.
If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in too much of a hurry and that you've probably forgotten your friends.
Take the time! Wishing you the very best for 2008 --------------------------------------
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ......... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, 'Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite.'
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. ***************************************
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your a$$, it always comes back to bite you. ----------------------------------------
I haven't checked "snopes.com" to see if this actually works or not .
But they say, If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
you should drink some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking.
in case the graphic does NOT show up, it's a male senior "streaking"! lol Bettyg ************************
2008 Contract
After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2008!
It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2008
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............
May 2008 be the best year of your life!!! ***************************************
Posted by janet thomas (Member # 7122) on :
Subject: Outsourcing
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
a serious one first though!
A very good lesson on trusting God.
Don't start reading this one until you've got more than 3 or 4 minutes to just 'scan' over it. It deserves some time for reflection.
GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED
I envy Kevin. My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night.
He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...'
I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.
He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult.
He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.
I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life?
Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed.
The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.
He does not seem dissatisfied.
He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work.
He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores.
And Saturdays-oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to Chi-car-go!' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.
His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.
And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips. He doesn't know what it means to be discontent. His life is simple.
He will never know the entanglements of wealth or power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.
His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it.
He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax.
He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.
He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.
Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God.
Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an 'educated' person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.
In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith.
It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions
It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God's care
Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.
And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed. Kevin won't be surprised at all!
When you receive this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. This is powerful.
Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, but a lot of rewards.
FRIENDS ARE ANGELS; WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY ******************************
Ailment....
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls And sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" lol +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MY LIVING WILL ! Last night my sister and I were sitting in the kitchen and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a drag! ***********************
couple more SERIOUS one but meaningful!
for those of you growing in late 50s - 60s, there was a wonderful song about TOMMY & LAURA WERE LOVED, she died in a car accident ; this story reminded me of this old song I used to sing!
Angel Knocking at the Door... Copyright � Hideaway Fun Pages ********************
You may have seen this before but it can't hurt to send it again. It has a great message and I can use all the help I can get.
..........WHAT A GREAT THOUGHT!!!!
God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.
Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.
Father, God bless my friend in whatever it is that You know they may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity, and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.
Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life. ***********************************
Do you feel like working today?
Tomorrow? The day after? Next week? Next Month? Me neither! I just want to party!
You... ....have a GREAT Day!!!
Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably . And never regret anything that made you smile! **********************************************
Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.
Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.
And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.
As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio.
I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? {Ok, which of my friends told them about MY habits? Betty ha
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?
But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.
I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free.
I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER! *************************
Happy New Year
Only Jacquie Lawson can say it so eloquently......
I checked my Bible and it refers to ``the cloth that had been upon his head'' and that it was ``not lying with the bandages but separately rolled up in one place''.
I am not familiar with this Jewish tradition, but I'm not saying it isn't true either....a great blessed story! WHY DID JESUS FOLD THE NAPKIN?
I'm always learning....This I had not heard before and I hope it Blesses you as much as it has Blessed me!
Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His Resurrection?
The Gospel of John (20: 7 NIV) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.
Is that important? You'd better believe it! Is that Significant ?
Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes!
In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.
The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition.
When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master had finished eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm done".
But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because the servant knew that the folded napkin meant, "I'm not finished yet."
The folded napkin meant, "I'm coming back!"
May this truly bless you and give you peace...............
Life is Short, Live for God /////////////////////////////
One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom,
the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.
No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more 'just one minute.'
Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say 'I LOVE YOU'
So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it'sbroken and heal it when it's sick.
This is true for marriage ... And old cars .. And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents.
We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with.
There are just some things that make us happy,no matter what.
Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'!
Then I sent it to the People I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to all those people Who are 'keepers' in your life.
Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?
I was thinking...I could die today,tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.
Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do.
And just in case GOD calls me home I LOVE YA!!!
Live today to the fullest, because tomorrow is not promised. ***********************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
JOHNNY'S CHURCH
Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their three kittens. He had the kittens sitting in a row, and he was preaching to them.
She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open the window to see Johnny baptizing the kittens in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! Those kittens are afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said, "They should have thought about that before they joined my church." Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the back yard, barking for hours and hours.The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this!" and goes downstairs.
When the blonde finally comes back up to bed, her husband says, "The dog is still barking! What have you been doing?"The blonde says, "I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how THEY like it!"
*******************
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn. :-) lol
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Thanks!! Be sure to turn on your speakers everybody!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the window and gave the woman the finger.
" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98 And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so. **********************
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this .....
'You got Male!' and had a cute photo of a baby winking at us !!! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Hair Removal.... (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.....
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GAWD!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake remembering my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!! MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT! SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter......
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace .. the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!'
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color! lol
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A friend sent an early "Valentine" to see if it will make it around the world by Feb. 14th.
For God so loV ed the world, That He gA ve his onL y BegottE n SoN T hat whosoever Believeth I n Him Should N ot perish, But have E verlasting life."
John 3:16 Send it around the World -------------------------------
I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e-mail.
Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read.
After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you.
Here goes:
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy...Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
GUARDIAN ANGEL
Forward this message the same day you received it . It may sound ridiculous, but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to happen.
Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them.
Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends. Tomorrow at 8:57 somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Angels Explained By Children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. -Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it . -Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! -Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. -Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. -Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. - Lynn , 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. -Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. -Sarah, 7 Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Subject: wow...watch this baby showing CHILD PREVENTION DROWNING BRIEF VIDEO!
Ladies, this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and
school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure every woman does, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Never going back to that doctor. Ever. lol **********************
Quick Change magician, courtesy of youtube- Mostly regarding ladies, how sweet this would be
Betty note: I watched this couple perform every week on this show until Cowen got really nasty to woman changing dresses! they were remarkable!
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This Doesn't rhyme and I don't care. *************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
a serious one to start off with, but belly laugh after this one! betty
please go to snopes link at bottom and read rest of story after reading below! inspirational! Bettyg, Iowa
A lesson that should be taught in all schools!
Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock , did something not to be forgotten.
On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her classroom.
When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks.
Looking around, confused, they asked, "Ms. Cothren, where're our desks?"
She replied, "You can't have a desk until you tell me what you have done to earn the right to sit at a desk."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
Maybe it's our behavior." She told them, "No, it's not even your behavior.
And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom.
By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.
The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom.
Martha Cothren said, "Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you."
At this point, Martha Cothre n went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.
Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall.
By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.
Martha said, "You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don't ever forget it."
By the way, this is a true story... . If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you read it in English, thank a soldier.
the other one was powerpoint, so can't post was wonderful! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
************** A SERIOUS ONE .... good for thought!
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY ************************* 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone, everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
"May the Lord's face radiate with joy because of you" Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Beauty of Math!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9 12 x 8 + 2 = 98 123 x 8 + 3 = 987 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11 12 x 9 + 3 = 111 123 x 9 + 4 = 1111 1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111 12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111 123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111 1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111 12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111 123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88 98 x 9 + 6 = 888 987 x 9 + 5 = 8888 9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888 98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888 987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888 9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888 98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1 11 x 11 = 121 111 x 111 = 12321 1111 x 1111 = 1234321 11111 x 11111 = 123454321 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321 1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321 11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321 111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
Now, take a look at this...
101%
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.
How about ACHIEVING 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
It's up to you if you share this with your friends & loved ones just the way I did.
Have a nice day & God bless !! ***************************************
OLD PEOPLE PROBLEMS
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.
She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God: I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God: This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God: I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset.
She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there.
She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO **************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
unfortunately, you can't see all the wild graphics of pleasingly plumb women above many of these statements!
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds
I can almost feel myself losing weight . . . by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end.
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women.
Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means your Body By Jake includes Legs By Rand McNally, more red & blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .
Mid-life means that you become more reflective; You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.
Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! -------------------------------------------- smooches!! *******************************
HERE'S A RIDDLE TO MAKE YOU SMILE.
Pantyhose quiz
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it... Ready?
graphics again were outstanding!!
Answer:
10 little piggies
2 calves ,
1 *** , donkey shown!
and an unknown number of hares. rabbits! ******************************
Sean Kingston- one nice kid
Well isn't it about time. (?)
This media video starts with Larry London from Voice of America (home page: http://www.voanews.com/english/portal.cfm) beginning the introduction of Sean Kingston. These words from Larry, "and by design, free of any profanity", are what signals the decency of this kid. How refreshing! ****************************
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel
the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'you Know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!' **************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Which is Worse??
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo. 3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring! *************
DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE
I met this gal while I was in London and she has a motto she lives by everyday. She said listen carefully and
live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.
I was shaking my head 'no', but she then told me to listen while she explained her four rules. So here they are :
1.. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.
2.. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.
3.. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than yesterday.
4.. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night
thank God you live in United Kingdom or the United States and have freedom.
I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be . but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be! ///////////////////
Abide With Me- another awesome version- I love this Hymn
Unique specimens: Photographs trace the history of Rocky Mountain Laboratories
Story:
HAMILTON - Stashed away back in a corner of one of the nondescript buildings on Hamilton's sprawling Rocky Mountain Laboratories campus, there is a stack of oversized books.
Their well-worn covers hide historic treasure.
For more of this story, click on or type the URL below:
God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.
THANKS FOR BEING IN MY LIFE
***************************
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . having friends. At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license. At age 35 success is . having money. At age 50 success is . . having money. At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . having friends. At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
This one is REALLY good.
My Friend.....
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
What food might this contain?' the mouse wondered - - - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning :
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, 'Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.'
The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'
The pig sympathized, but said, 'I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.'
The mouse turned to the cow and said,
'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'
The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose.'
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone.
That very night a sound was heard Through out the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember ---- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
REMEMBER. . . . .
EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. ******************************************
One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a FRIEND.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
This is an amazing video! Very much worth watching..........Janet aja TNJANET
this takes 20 seconds. very interesting and enlightening! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A college class was told to write a SHORT story in as few of words as possible! They were given these instructions:
The short story had to contact the following 3 things:
1. Religion 2. Sexuality 3. Mystery
Below is the A+ story written for the entire class!
"Good God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it!"
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Sorry... I couldn't stop myself. Have a Wonderful Easter... ********************************
graphic was a giraff's face looking in on you on screen!
I was feeling a little nosey, so I thought I would look in on you and see if you are sitting at your computer...Yup, there you are ***************************************
This is SO funny.........hope you can watch it.............
Man's Best Friend A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
**********************
WOMEN DRIVERS
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My cell phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs,
Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.
Stupid women drivers
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
CORRECTIVENESSISM from dear friend, ICESKATER!
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Alabamans, Georgians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, South Carolinians, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore... HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION ."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He seeks or "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is experiencing "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL @SS" - He has developed a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us. ***********************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
this one is SERIOUS; my humorous one would NOT copy here...
this is the way I received it in ALL CAPS, and I'm not taking the time to convert case to lower case. bg
DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND
"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE!"
THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH. THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE! AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE:
'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE'
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, 'YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'
THE FRIEND REPLIED 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT'
LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.
THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.
IF YOU DON'T SEND IT TO ANYONE, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN A HURRY AND THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR FRIENDS.
TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE!
DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!
AND IF I HAPPEN TO GET IT BACK, THEN I KNOW MY PLACE IN YOUR LIFE
'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle'.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
this one had the cutest baby photos on it to go with each saying here!
A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends.... B1.
The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless ' I ' do.
My mind is like a parachute; it functions only when open!
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
********************************************** The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!
It is never too late to become what I might have been!
To my chronic lyme disease friends, these last 2 statements are OUR slogan; don't give up! Bettyg, Iowa lyme activist..... ******************************************
Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
You may be surprised to see it return. Send this heart to everybody you like. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mommy, I was at the playgroundand I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted! Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt! *********************************
Doctor's Office.........
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose! **********************************
Don't know about the numbers of the statistics, but this is really funny!!
FACTS TO PONDER:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention. ***********************
now visualize this; seeing 2 stalls with their pants dropped to the floor...
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine."
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm just traveling."
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No...I'm a little busy right now."
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."
Cell phones -- Don't you just love 'em?!?!? *****************************************
CONSPIRACY!
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me!
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on--but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were. ********************
It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat, five year old Billy stayed home from Church with a sitter. When his family returned home they were carrying several Palm Branches. Billy asked what they were for? His parents replied "People held them over Jesus' head as He walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," Billy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go to Church, HE showed up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Easter Sunday as the Minister was preaching the Children's Sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" I know a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny asked his Grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was going down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step ROAR step, ROAR, step,, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday in a Midwest City , a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you canʼt make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "It's Adam's suit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife. ***********************
these were the cutest baby photos you've ever seen with these comical remarks!
A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends.... B1.
The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless ' I ' do.
My mind is like a parachute; it functions only when open!
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
******************************************* The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been!
To my chronic lyme disease friends, these last 2 statements are OUR slogan; don't give up! Bettyg, Iowa lyme activist..... ******************************
get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
You may be surprised to see it return. Send this heart to everybody you like. ****************
CORRECTIVENESSISM Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Alabamans, Georgians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, South Carolinians, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore... HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION ."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He seeks or "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is experiencing "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL @SS" - He has developed a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us. *************************
He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him... Like his mother used to do. ***********************************************************
Penny Riddle
Try to answer each riddle before you look at the answer.
Do you smell anything here? ---> It's a scent
Do you see any fruit here? ---> It' a Pear
do you see any snakes here? It's three copperheads
Do you see any cars here? it's four Lincolns
Do you see any sex here? Heck no!... What do you expect for five cents? ********************************
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did".
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
Concentrate on this sentence. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
Something good will happen to you today. Something that you have been waiting to hear.
This is not a joke; someone will call you by phone or will speak to you about something that you were waiting to hear. *************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Clean One Liners ---------------------
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns. Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says: "Man it's hot in here!!!!" The other muffin exclaims, "Look a talking muffin!!!!" *********************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
WORRY
Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions?
Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do You stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher Said, 'Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you can sit back, relax and Enjoy them.' My dad just smiled Faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be Adults.' My dad just smiled faintly And said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There Was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and lead my own Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my dad's warm smile and his Occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are You depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.
PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS (And also to your children. That's the fun part) *******************************
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
Ronnie Shakes
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice ... loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.
Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle ***********************************
A SERIOUS ONE!
A friend sent this to me and I felt it was well worth sharing....how often I have seen a person on the street and wondered what had drove them to such a state, never thinking that maybe they are there because that is where God wants them.
How many times have I missed a blessing by turning away. God forgive me. Remember to pray for those in need (whether you know their need or not is not important)...
TO MEET SUCH A MAN ******************
I sat, with two friends, in the picture window of a quaint restaurant just off the corner of the town-square. The food and the company were both especially good that day.
As we talked, my attention was drawn outside, across the street. There, walking into town, was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly goods on his back. He was carrying, a well-worn sign that read, "I will work for food." My heart sank.
I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others around us had stopped eating to focus on him. Heads moved in a mixture of sadness and disbelief.
We continued with our meal, but his image lingered in my mind. We finished our meal and went our separate ways. I had errands to do and quickly set out to accomplish them. I glanced toward the town square, looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor.
I was fearful, knowing that seeing him again would call some response. I drove through town and saw nothing of him. I made some purchases at a store and got back in my car.
Deep within me, the Spirit of God kept speaking to me: "Don't go back to the office until you've at least driven once more around the square."
Then with some hesitancy, I headed back into town. As I turned the square's third corner, I saw him. He was standing on the steps of the store front church, going through his sack.
I stopped and looked; feeling both compelled to speak to him, yet wanting to drive on. The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign from God: an invitation to park. I pulled in, got out and approached the town's newest visitor.
"Looking for the pastor? " I asked.
"Not really," he replied, "just resting." "Have you eaten today?" "Oh, I ate something early this morning." "Would you like to have lunch with me?" "Do you have some work I could do for you?"
"No work," I replied. "I commute here to work from the city, but I would like to take you to lunch." "Sure," he replied with a smile.
As he began to gather his things, I asked some surface questions. Where you headed?" " St. Louis "
"Where you from?" "Oh, all over; mostly Florida" "How long you been walking?" "Fourteen years," came the reply.
I knew I had met someone unusual. We sat across from each other in the same restaurant ant I had left earlier. His face was weathered slightly beyond his 38 years. His eyes were dark yet clear, and he spoke with an eloquence and articulation that was startling.
He removed his jacket to reveal a bright red T-shirt that said, "Jesus is The Never Ending Story."
Then Daniel's story began to unfold. He had seen rough times early in life. He'd made some wrong choices and reaped the consequences. Fourteen years earlier, while backpacking across the country, he had stopped on the beach in Daytona. He tried to hire on with some men who were putting up a large tent and some equipment. A concert, he thought.
He was hired, but the tent would not house a concert but revival services, and in those services he saw life more clearly. He gave his life over to God
"Nothing's been the same since," he said, "I felt the Lord telling me to keep walking, and so I did, some 14 years now." "Ever think of stopping?" I asked.
"Oh, once in a while, when it seems to get the best of me But God has given me this calling. I give out Bibles. That's what's in my sack. I work to buy food and Bibles, and I give them out when His Spirit leads."
I sat amazed. My homeless friend was not homeless. He was on a mission and lived this way by choice. The question burned inside for a moment and then I asked: "What's it like?"
"What?" "To walk into a town carrying all your things on your back and to show your sign?"
"Oh, it was humiliating at first. People would stare and make comments. Once someone tossed a piece of half-eaten bread and made a gesture that certainly didn't make me feel welcome.
But then it became humbling to realize that God was using me to touch lives and change people's concepts of other folks like me."
My concept was changing, too. We finished our dessert and gathered his things. Just outside the door, he paused.
He turned to me and said, "Come Ye blessed of my Father and inherit the kingdom I've prepared for you. For when I was hungry you gave me food, when I was thirsty you gave me drink, a stranger and you took me in."
I felt as if we were on holy ground. "Could you use another Bible?" I asked.
He said he preferred a certain translation. It traveled well and was not too heavy. It was also his personal favorite. "I've read through it 14 times," he said.
"I'm not sure we've got one of those, but let's stop by our church and see" I was able to find my new friend a Bible that would do well, and he seemed very grateful.
"Where are you headed from here?" I asked. "Well, I found this little map on the back of this amusement park coupon." "Are you hoping to hire on there for awhile?"
"No, I just figure I should d go there. I figure someone under that star right there needs a Bible, so that's where I'm going next."
He smiled, and the warmth of his spirit radiated the sincerity of his mission. I drove him back to the town-square where we'd met two hours earlier, and as we drove, it started raining. We parked and unloaded his things.
"Would you sign my autograph book?" he asked. "I like to keep messages from folks I meet."
I wrote in his little book that his commitment to his calling had touched my life. I encouraged him to stay strong. And I left him with a verse of scripture from Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you; Plans to give you a future and a hope."
"Thanks, man," he said. "I know we just met and we're really just strangers, but I love you."
"I know," I said, "I love you, too." "The Lord is good!" "Yes, He is. How long has it been since someone hugged you?" I asked. "A long time," he replied
And so on the busy street corner in the drizzling rain, my new friend and I embraced, and I felt deep inside that I had been changed. He put his things on his back, smiled his winning smile and said, "See you in the New Jerusalem." "I'll be there!" was my reply.
He began his journey again. He headed away with his sign dangling from his bedroll and pack of Bibles. He stopped, turned and said, "When you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?"
"You bet," I shouted back, "God bless." "God bless." And that was the last I saw of him. Late that evening as I left my office, the wind blew strong. The cold front had settled hard upon the town.
I bundled up and hurried to my car. As I sat back and reached for the emergency brake, I saw them... a pair of well-worn brown work gloves neatly laid over the length of the handle. I picked them up and thought of my friend and wondered if his hands would stay warm that night without them.
Then I remembered his words: "If you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?"
Today his gloves lie on my desk in my office. They help me to see the world and its people in a new way, and they help me remember those two hours with my unique friend and to pray for his ministry. "See you in the New Jerusalem," he said. Yes, Daniel, I know I will...
If this story touched you, forward it to a friend!
"I shall pass this way but once. Therefore, any good that I can do or any kindness that I can show, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again."
This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached. Please do not break this pattern. Prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another. God bless and have a nice day!
"Father, I ask you to bless my friends, relatives and e-mail buddies reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of your love and power.
Holy Spirit, I ask you to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through your grace, In Jesus' precious Name Amen."
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few second s my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day !! ****************************************
IF MY NOSE WAS RUNNING MONEY BY ALVIN ..... 4.5 MINUTES LONG! hilarious!!
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.' His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' *************************
email virus
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1975.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
It's called the "C-NILE" VIRUS! **********************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
INVESTMENT SAVINGS
Here's a little retirement info for you:
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1, 000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg. hmmmmm **************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day
First you had trouble getting out of bed?
You had a stiff neck
You washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it
You felt like you had a hangover and you weren't even drinking last night?
Your new diet really doesn't seem to be working out?
You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise?
Your new hat looked better on you at the store
You keep losing things
You feel like you're always in the wrong place at the wrong time
the boss chewed you out at work
You got caught in the rain at lunchtime
enjoy
Then the lunch you had didn't see m to agree with you
You feel trapped
Uninvited guests showed up at dinner time
On top of that you think you're coming down with the flu
And finally, you're alone in the house at night when you think you hear a noise in the basement
Have a Purrfect Day! **********************
To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes, chain letters, angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send: money, beer, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead? Thank you !! **************************************
GREAT ADVICE!
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.!
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout; run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
I AM THANKFUL FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME! ***************************************
To A Beautiful Woman: Be sure to read about Audrey Hepburn at the end�
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, ! And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! and doesn't l ie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: 'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'
It's BEAUTIFUL WOMAN MONTH & TAG YOU'RE IT!
Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her 'beauty tips.'
It was read at her funeral years later. **************************************
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People even more than things have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
If you share this with another woman, something good will happen . . you will boost another woman's self esteem, and she will know that you care about her. **************
You may have seen this before but it's a great story.
fyi, It was 7 years ago I got this for the 1st time, and took it reading to Dad in the nursing home! He LOVED all sports and especially baseball, so this was right up his alley! He loved how I put emphasis on reading this story to him, and kept saying "go, go" to SHAY! I hope you enjoy this as much as my late Dad and I did! Bettyg, Iowa
"SHAY'S DAY"
What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway.
My question is: Would you have made the same choice?
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped, comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play.
The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be pn our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.
His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field.
Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all teammates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'.
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming,
'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.
'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats its least fortunate amongst them.
You now have two choices: 1. Delete 2. Forward May your day, be a 'Shay' Day.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
POOR SKIPPY!
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Easter dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
' Skippy, get away from her, before she POOPS on you!' Send this to someone who needs a laugh.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Subject: 50s; old-time religion songs; your laugh today!
Those not over 50 can just wait til you understand it.
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky. 4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot- steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress." *******************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want
with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.' (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************
Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!' (HE ASKED FOR IT!) *****************************************
Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) *****************************************
Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' (RIGHT ON, LADY!) *****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't woke him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ***************************************** God may have created man before woman but,
there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
*****************************************
Send this to smart women who need a laugh and to men you think can handle it
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F.Tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt On Monday?"
"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a Religious T-shirt I thought it meant Tits Go In Front. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted. *****************************
Investment tips for 2008
For any of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4.) ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang **************************
Don't Burst My Balloon
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you can't get them back.
So I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you. ******************************
HERE'S TO THE GIRLS!!!
What's so poignant about this picture? Well, it shows a line of little girls holding hands facing the immensity of ocean waves.
Alone they might be washed away, but together they stand strong.
Thank you each for holding my hand somewhere along the way when I was facing a wave of my own. I hope you will reach for my hand when your own wave threatens.
All of us girls.. Old and young... Near and far... Hold special memories of good times we've shared. We've had our share of hard times when our friends were there to make us feel better. We've shared... Our hearts Our time Our secrets Our fears Our hopes And our dreams.
Let us never break the chain of friends!
Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their husband will fix more things around the house. So let it go, Be Happy! And love yourself and your circumstances. Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have trouble in her heart. And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children. And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely. And the word says if 'I have not Love, I have nothing.'
So, again, love you. Love who you are. Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say 'I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!' I like that!
'Winners make things happen. Losers let things happen'
Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
'To the world you might be one person, But to one person you just might be the world'.
HERE'S TO YOU, MY FRIENDS! *********************************
*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second gues s every decision I have made where you are concerned.
*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a ittle longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day ............ *****************
Good for a smile or two ! Sunday school
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the road side, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
HIGHER POWER: A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" one child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES & THE RED SEA : Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line..
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
UNANSWERED PRAYER? The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant to of his messages,
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.""How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified.
She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, " Gary , whatever made you do such a thing ?"
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, And He just then did!"
TIME TO PRAY: A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir,"the boy replied."And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
BEWARE OF TRASH: One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend,and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls.
"As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER: Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away."Johnny wait until we say our prayer.""I don't have to,"
The boy replied."Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating,at our house."
That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook." ***********************
Just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you In my life. I pray you all have a blessed day.
It was difficult for me To decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to Pray, but not everyone does.
May everyone who Received this message be blessed.
REMEMBER to Pray.
That's all you Have to do. There is nothing attached.
Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost just A lot of reward.
Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will Answer.
May today be all you need it to be.
May the peace of God and the Freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your Dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears.
May God manifest himself Today in ways you have never experienced.
May your joys be fulfilled, Your dreams be closer and your prayers be answered.
I pray that faith Enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged.
I Pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and Undying love.
****************
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
This is Forever Friendship.
This is the sacred RED ROSE. ***********************************
Surprisingly, I picked my three favorite fruits and I think I'm a little bit of all three.
Here's some meaningless fun.
Pick a fruit and forward it on. Don't spoil it...just do it.
Which fruit will you pick if you were handed these? The results will astound you!
1. Orange 2. Apple 3. Banana 4. Coconut 5. Pineapple 6. Papaya 7. Mango 8. Cherry 9. Black Grapes 10. Peach 11. Custard Apple 12. Pear
Which did you pick??? (Pick one before you scroll down...do not CHEAT!!!) Remember, you'll be surprised by the results!
ORANGE - If orange is your favorite fruit, it speaks of a person who has enduring patience and willpower. You like to do things slowly, but very thoroughly and are completely undaunted by hard work. You tend to be shy, but are reliable and trustworthy frien d. You have an aesthetic bent of mind. You select your partner with care and you love with all your heart, and not in for just a fling. You avoid conflict at all costs.
APPLE - If apple is your favorite fruit, you are an extravagant, impulsive and outspoken person, often with a bit of a temper. While you may not be the best organizer yourself, you make a good team leader and are good at taking things forward. You can take quick action in most situations. You enjoy travel immensely. You ooze with charm when you are with your partner. You have an enthusiasm for life, unmatched by most.
BANANA - You are a softy! Loving, gentle, warm and sympathetic by nature is the banana lover. You often lack in self-confidence and are quite timid by nature. People often take advantage of your sweet temper, and sheer vulnerability to a situation. You adore your partner in every which way, both for their mental and physical beauty! Because of the way you are, your relationship is always very much in harmony!
COCONUT - The coconut lover is a serious, very thoughtful and contemplative person. Though you enjoy socializing, you are particular about the company you keep. You tend to be stubborn but not necessarily foolhardy. Shrewd, quick-witted and alert, you ensure that you are right on top of any given scenario, especially at work. You need a partner with brains, and while passion is important it certainly isn't everything for you.
PINEAPPLE - You are quick to decide and even quicker to act. You are brave in asking career changes, if that is what is to your advantage! . You have exceptional organizing abilities and are undaunted by the size of the task at hand. You tend to be self reliant, sincere and honest in your dealings with others. Though you are not given to making friends very quickly, but once you do, it is for life. Your partner is often impressed with your sterling qualities but disappointed in your ability to show affection.
PAPAYA - You are truly fearless and take much that happens in life in your stride. You give considerable thought to things you do. You have a sense of humor that, along with your generous nature, keeps you in most people's good books. You are a go-getter in your professional life, and have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. You enjoy meeting new people and seeing new sights whenever you can. Your sense of humor is what attracts members of the opposite sex to you more than anything else. It is simply charming!
MANGO - A mango lover is a personality to reckoned with; quite often, you are a person who has quite fixed ideas, and influencing you is not an easy task. You tend to be an extremist with strong likes and dislikes, and at times even like to control a situation.. You enjoy getting involved in something that presents mental challenge.. Strong as you may be, you are like a kitten when you are with your partner. You accommodate the love of your life, and make up for all the strong will elsewhere!
CHERRY - If cherry is your favorite fruit, life isn't always as sweet for you. You often face ups and downs, particularly professionally, and find that you make small sums of $$$, instead of a lump sum. You have a fertile imagination and are often involved in creative pursuits. You are a very sincere and loyal partner, but find that expressing your feelings is not very easy. Your home is your haven, and you love nothing more than being surrounded by close family and your beloved partner.
BLACK GRAPES - You are a polite person in general, but do have quick flare-ups of temper that cool down just as quickly. You enjoy beauty in all forms, including beautiful people. You are very popular because of your warm, gregarious nature. You have a zest for life; you enjoy everything you do, right from the way you dress, to your style and your day-to-day life. Your partner must share your zeal and zing for life to enjoy all you have to offer!
PEACH - Like a peach, you enjoy the juice of life and all its lush ripeness! You are the friendly sort, and are quite frank and outspoken, which adds to your charm. You are quick to forgive and forget; and value your friendships highly. You have an independent and ambitious streak in you that make you a real go-getter. You are the ideal lover, fiery and passionate but sincere and faithful in love. You don't, however, like to display all that passion in public.
CUSTARD APPLE - You are a modest and conservative person who can be quite sensitive at times. You tend to be thoughtful and contemplative, and therefore are rarely rash in doing things. You are quite ambitious and are good at anything that requires much detailing or working with numbers. You are quick at finding fault with others. While looking for a partner, you value a person's intellect far above their looks or good old passion. You are quite shy and not very comfortable demonstrating affection.
PEAR - If you put your mind to something you can do it successfully, but by and large you tend to be fickle and have trouble completing a task with the enthusiasm you started it with. You need to know the results of your efforts almost immediately.
You enjoy mental stimulation and love to get into a good discussion! You tend to be a restless and high-strung person, and are easily excited.. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect! It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum ...
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore---under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly---wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless.It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:'Gosh, I remember these.' ************************************
Be Carefull what you wish/pray for
OH MAN I'M TIRED!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. - He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and m op the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night.' ************************************
MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!
I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, ?Will Power helps me get out of bed
Then I go to see John .
Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn 't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed With Ben Gay.
What a life! ??Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer
and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...
so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and Count your blessings!!!!!!! ***********************************
A case when arrogance is equal to stupidity!!
Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull.
The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart *** .... Show him your card!! *************************************
MY DAD IS A FATHER
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, ' I am a Father.' The little boy replied, 'My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, 'My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.'
'The priest, getting impatient, said, I'm the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. ******************
fishing or sex ?
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him.
'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.' *********************
[ 12. May 2008, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
GRANDPA'S ON THE PORCH AGAIN
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing Only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in The wind for everyone to see!', he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with Nothing on below the waist?'' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, And I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea! ***************************************
LIFE IN 1500s ----------------------
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.. -------------------------------------------------------------
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs. ----------------------------------------------------
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.---------------------------------------
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. ------------------------------------------------------------
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold *****************************************
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.. -------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.. -----------------------------------------------------------------
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake. **********************************
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a .dead ringer.. ******************************************************
And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring! Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.
*******************
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks him for his order.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That 'll be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke. 'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.
'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' *******************************************
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in They stand up to injustice . They don ' t take 'no' for an answer when they believe there is a better solution
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH. Please pass this along to all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are. I just did ************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
subject: THIS IS FOR SENIORS About PCs Too
subject: THIS IS FOR SENIORS About PCs Too And, if you are not a Senior, you'd wish that you were one.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'
Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
...
STAY!!!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?' 'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
'Why don't you just put it in park?' *************************************
For those of us with grandkids or kids who will be entering this age soon..
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, " Ryan, you be Jesus !" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Farmer John
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result.
The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived! Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.
********************************** I believe ..... That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I believe... That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe .... That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe.... That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe .... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe ..... That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe..... That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe . That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe ..... That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe .... That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe ..... That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe.... That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe..... That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe..... That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up..
I Believe....... That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe..... That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe..... That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...... That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe...... That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe ....... That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I believe..... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I Believe....... That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe...... That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - y ou will find the strength to help.
I believe...... That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe . That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
Folk Art like you've NEVER seen before What do you do when you decide to be a poor country folk artist? With little money (if any) you must be creative.
Use your resources. This artist did just that. What do you find in the mountains of Idaho?........ PINE TREES.
You're thinking something made out of wood....Right?
Not even close. Check out these pictures. These bears are made from Pine Needles!
A couple of hundred thousand of them in one large bear.
The pine needles were gathered off the ground, sorted, washed, trimmed and hand woven. Over 8 months in making the life size bear.
On the Salmon River The Artist, the Bear he calls 'Mountain Magic~ A New Life'
Bear with Carved Fish
'White Heart'.... A Life Size Black Bear and 'Little Bear Innocence' the cub
To make a living the artist carves Antlers and other materials. Moose, Deer, Elk, horn, wood, ivory and more. Whatever he can find.
Check out all these Moose Antler carvings.
Nothing goes to waste. The artist uses every little scrap material, as seen with this motorcycle below. It's under 2 1/2 inch length.
He used 17 different materials to make it.
Some of the materials are Walrus Ivory, Ironwood, Water Buffalo horn, Moose Antler, Silver, rhinestones, shell, metal, plastic, rubber and more.
The wheels and handle bars turn, too!
His work should be seen. If you agree, send this to all your friends.
I know the artist would love to hear from you. Just to know where his art is being seen around the world.
He said he would reply to every email and print every letter for his scrapbook.
His name is Richard Carpenter; NOPE, not the brother singer, Karen Carpenter !!
****************************************
Grandparents and grandkids
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
#####
*** After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse, took off her makeup, washed her face and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
#####
*** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.
#####
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'
#####
*** I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
#####
*** When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
#####
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
#####
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. One of the small boys wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
#####
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.
'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs' to find the fire hydrants!
**********************
The 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed **********************************
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no backbone - and the head and the *** are interchangeable.
*********************
I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt. *************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Subject: anger is a condition --------
Enjoy!
Subject: anger is a condition --------
Enjoy!
May your troubles be less, your blessings be more
And nothing but happiness come through your door
Believe it or not, These are REAL 911 calls from Nashville,TN!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police. ************************ Paint the Porch
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
The blonde, with a typical blank look, quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately..'
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to c ollect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied, '... and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
'And by the way...., ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.' ***************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
need an upper? this is IT! beautiful music, graphics, and POSITIVE THINKING text!!!
thx KAM for posting this on board! I hope this makes your day brighter! It did mine :0)
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ? Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' �
� 'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it. *************************************
I DON'T KNOW IF PHOTOS WILL SHOW OR NOT; I'M FORWARDING THIS, BUT THEY NORMALLY SHOW UP IN TEXT PRIOR TO MY SENDING. THEY DIDN'T!! WHO KNOWS? UFFDA.
Grandma's letter ......
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii,so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma **********************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
... food for thought on this one!
LAW OF THE GARBAGE TRUCK
Good philosophy!
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!
The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage (frustration, anger, and disappointment, etc.).
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally.
Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so... "Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Hooked On Phonics
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Hey, look at this!
It's a frickin' elephant!"
Startled, I took a deep breath, and then asked... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it did...
'A f r i c a n Elephant' Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? ***********************
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries..
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q.. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh ////////////////////////////////
SUNBURN REMEDY
Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, pecifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.' ****************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, the 'News & Record,' a local newspaper in North Carolina, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Greensboro in Guilford County,
Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless.' *******************************************
Well? here it is, the bad news of the very hard times we are facing!!!
Bad times have hit
Hard time for farmers and those around them. Got Milk?
I live on a farm and times are pretty hard as the area I live in is considered economically depressed. ? ?
It's so bad, that I've heard some of our neighbors were having a hard time making ends meet.
This morning, I woke up to hear a knock at the door. When I went to answer the door -- this is the sad sight that I saw. It just about broke my heart...!!
Please scroll down, to see for yourself...! !
it's a little kitty standing there with his face down holding 2 small PAILS!
"WILL WORK FOR MILK" !!! *************************
This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, he saw me, and he asked:
My child, what is your greatest wish for today?
I responded:
"Lord please; take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends.They deserve it and I love them very much"
The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginnings but Not its end.
This message works on the day you receive it.
To some it may sound dumb, but the person who sent this to me was impressed with its timing. Let us see if it is true.
ANGELS EXIST, but sometimes, since they don't all have wings we call them FRIENDS, SUCH AS YOU? ***********************************
The Bus Ride
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?! *************************************
Local Bar Sues Local Church
In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern
started construction of a building to house
their business. The local Baptist church
started a campaign to block the bar from
opening, with petitions and prayers. Work
progressed, however right up till the week
before opening, when a lightning strike
hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in
their outlook after that, until the bar owner
sued the church on the grounds that the
church was ultimately responsible for the
demise of his building, either through direct
or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility
or any connection to the buildings demise
in its reply to the court. As the case made its way in to court, the
judge looked over the paperwork. At the
hearing he commented, "I don't know how
I'm going to decide this, but as it appears
from the paperwork, we have a bar owner
who believes in the power of prayer, and
an entire church congregation that does not." **********************************************
THIS IS TRUE!!! *********************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Sr. Sex
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were hump or drown.' *************************************
merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a onse, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back !! ******************************
Message: Feng Shui Horoscope
Watch your 'Thoughts,' they become words. Watch your 'Words,' they become actions. Watch your 'Actions,' they become habits. Watch your 'Habits,' they become character. Watch your 'Character,' for it becomes your Destiny.'
Feng Shui Horoscope
Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens! If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom..
1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow? 2. Your first initial? 3. Your month of birth? 4. Which color do you like more, black or white? 5 . Name of a person of the same sex as yours. 6. Your favorite number? 7. Do you like California or Florida more? 8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more? 9. Write down a wish (a realistic one)
When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat
Answers: 1. If you choose: Red - You are alert and your life is full of love. Black - you are conservative and aggressive. Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good a dvice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is: A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.. L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in: JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever. JUL - SEP: You will have a gr eat year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good. OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your soulmate.
4. If you chose... Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person should be your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose: California : You like adventure. Florida : You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose: Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.***********************************
A friend sent this to me. It says a lot about life.
Woman has Man in it; Mrs.has Mr. in it; Female has Male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam in it;
Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness MENstrual cramps MEN tal breakdown MENopause GUY necologist
AND . When we have REAL trouble,it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his dad noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and he said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' The dad said, 'Son you'll find that pain to be in another part of your body!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Sven & Ole
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, 'I vish ve had somethin ta drink!' Sven says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks 'How iss you feelin dis mornin?'
Ole says, 'I feel great. How bout you?' Sven says, 'I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?' Ole says, 'No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often..'
Sven agreed. 'Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting.' Ole asked, 'Vat's dat?' Sven questioned, 'Haff you farted yet?'
Ole stopped to think. 'No ' 'Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee'
*********************
WASH DAY
Monday WashDay
Lord, help me wash away all my selfishness and vanity, so I may serve you with perfect humility through the week ahead.
Tuesday Ironing Day
Dear Lord, help me iron out all the wrinkles of prejudice I have collected through the years so that I may see the beauty in others.
Wednesday Mending Day
O God, help me mend my ways so I will not set a bad example for others.
Thursday Cleaning Day
Lord Jesus, help me to dust out all the many faults I have been hiding in the secret corners of my heart.
Friday Shopping Day
O God, give me the grace to shop wisely so I may purchase eternal happiness for myself and all others in need of love.
Saturday Cooking Day
Help me, my Savior, to brew a big kettle of brotherly love and serve it with clean, sweet bread of human kindness.
Sunday The Lord's Day
O God, I have prepared my house for you. Please help me so I may spend the day and the rest of my life in your presence. **********************************************
If this message has inspired you in any way or you feel that it can brighten someone else's day, please forward it.
AND REMEMBER~~~ "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." **********************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3!
He's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?' lol ***************************************
This is very calming and nice
I don't usually do these but the music got me. It is so calming and nice.
It was kind of fun to see how whoever wrote this matched things with your answers. Be honest only you will know the answers. Not that I believe anything will happen or that it is even true....Cathy
This is a unique personality test. There are only 4 questions but the results are very interesting. I was kind of shocked by what some of my answers meant. Be honest. Just click on the following:
The secret is that nobody older than 40 can fit into their stuff.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because,
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing!
You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,
'You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.'
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids,
but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is.... that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,
impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day. Celebrate Womanhood!
Share this with all of those amazingly brilliant and tremendously talented women who are intelligent enough to call YOU their friend. *******************************************
SENIOR T-Shirt!
We are Valuable!!
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair, We have gold in our teeth. We have stones in our kidneys. We have lead in our feet. And We are loaded with natural gas!!! *************************************
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust !! *******************************
Thanks Judy; yes, MANY memories for me and the one leading to my folks' and sister's graves...Bettyg SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED DIRT ROADS, BUT TO US THAT DID, THIS IS PRETTY NEAT. music...COUNTRY ROADS, John Denver's song music...
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!" *******************
"Before You Go"
Please take the time to read and listen to this.
The elderly parking lot attendant wasn't in a good mood!
Neither was Sam Bierstock. It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach, Fla. , eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker and musician, was bone tired after appearing at an event.
He pulled up in his car, and the parking attendant began to speak. "I took two bullets for this country and look what I'm doing," he said bitterly.
At first, Bierstock didn't know what to say to the World War II veteran. But he rolled down his window and told the man, "Really, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you."
Then the old soldier began to cry.
"That really got to me," Bierstock says.
Cut to today.
Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach - a member of Bierstock's band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band - have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot.
The mournful "Before You Go" does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die.
"If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot," says Bierstock, who plays harmonica. "The WW II soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them."
The song is striking a chord. Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web, the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren.
"It made me cry," wrote one veteran's son. Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed several glasses of wine would he discuss "the unspeakable horrors" he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio, Iwo Jima, Bataan and Omaha Beach. "I can never thank them enough," the son wrote. "Thank you for thinking about them."
Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web.
They've sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington. Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans Day tribute - this after just a few days on the Web. They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it.
GOD BLESS every EVERY veteran... and THANK you to those of you veterans who may receive this !
CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO HEAR THE SONG AND SEE THE PICTURES:
http://www.managedm usic.com/ Music/PlayBefore YouGo.php
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...
this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog. *************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
UNDERWATER ONE IS GREAT FOR KIDS; IT'S GREAT FOR US OLDER ADULTS TOO!!! BETTYG, iowa...
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.
We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.
That leaves $138.77 a day for:
Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.
If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin. Just forward all our email to:
HOLIDAY INN!
UNDERWATER ONE IS GREAT FOR KIDS; IT'S GREAT FOR US OLDER ADULTS TOO!!! BETTYG, iowa...
This is really amazing. Enjoy.
Posted by AliG (Member # 9734) on :
proudmom,
Is this what you're looking for?
Posted by proudmom (Member # 15532) on :
Hi alig,
no not really. this is a awesome thread but the comedy relief I was looking for is just some way to laugh at ourselves. I actually find a lot of comfort knowing that I'm not the only one doing totally goofy stuff.
These type of pieces are all over the place and I keep losing them after time and the constant links are getting too much for me to remember where I read something.
Thanks and keep laughing proudmom
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Mon day afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
All Seniors Aren't Senile **************************
An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked.She answered, "Because I'm dead."
The husband asked..."What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead. "He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
****************************** NOTE; WOULDN'T WE LYMIES LOVE THIS ONE!! NO PAIN!! betty
Remember....Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
If it weren't for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan...Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know...God won't give me more than I can handle. There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff
If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bills travel through the mail...at twice the speed of checks.
If you look like your passport picture... you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.
**********************
Things Said In 1955 *************************
Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to b u y a week's groceries for $20.00'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thou ght gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WIT H THE W IND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if s omeday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in ni ce weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on! Be sure and send it to your kids and grandkids too!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started....
***********************************************
Retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started..... *****************************
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant... if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again, and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn." *****************************
CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS .....
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ----------------------------------------- Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ---------------------
For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once ------- by mistake. -----------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. -----------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car. --------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times." -----------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." -----------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which ten items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? -----------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. -----------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. -----------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. -----------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -----------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" -----------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says , "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Ever y evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" -----------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully . "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" ****************
the CLIMBING FROGS ... inspirational!
think of this as our struggling with our health problems...
mikej; after reading lori's post last night ... i was really thinking of alex/your family.. bettyg, iowa activist
Once Upon A Time...
Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.
A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants.... The race began....
Honestly: No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as:
"Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the top."
or: "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....
Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher..
The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"
More tiny frogs got tired and gave up....
But ONE continued higher and higher and higher....
This one wouldn't give up!
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!
THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it? A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?
It turned out.... That the winner was DEAF!!!!
The wisdom of this story is: Never listen to other people's tendencies to be
negative or pessimistic....because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!
Always think of the power words have. (There's life and death in the power of the tongue - Proverbs 18:21.)
Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!
Therefore: ALWAYS be.... POSITIVE!
And above all: Be DEAF when people tell YOU that you cannot fulfill your dreams!
Always think: God and I can do this! Pass this message on to "tiny frogs" you care about.
Give them some motivation!!! ***************************
You have been Tagged by the Froggy, which means you are a great friend!!
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 10 times. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Marriage You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. * * * * * At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' * * * * * A lady inserted an ad in the classified: Husband Wanted' Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.' * * * * * When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. * * * * * A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.' * * * * * A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' * * * * * Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.' * * * * * Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say talk in your sleep. * * * * * Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. * * * * * First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' * * * * * 'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death' * * * * * AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up.'
Subject: CATHOLIC PARROTS hilarious- enjoy this one
Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
'Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to th e priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'
****************** Rules To Consider
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
********************
Posted by Vermont_Lymie (Member # 9780) on :
Invitational which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. C aterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
vermont lymie, good ones!
Some times it's best to think before you speak
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said , "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean..
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" ************************
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember... we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak. ****************************
THERE ARE NO SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD IN THE EYES OF A CHILD. THERE ARE SEVEN MILLION.
Friendship Bracelet
Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are:
I love you, Sorry, and Help me.
Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two-fold?
Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really believe, you'd be surprised by what you could do.
But, don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself , if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold.
Today, the ball of FRIENDSHIP is in your court, send this to those who truly are your friends.
OK, this is what you have to do...: Send to ALL your FRIENDS!
But you have to DO THIS within an hour after you open this mail! Now..... MAKE 1 WISH!!!!!!
Make it now, It's your last chance!! I hope you did make a wish,
**************************
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.' *******************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Karen, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us. ***********************
also got the cutest cartoon today....
we've been weighing ourselves WRONG....
it shows use lying on our backs with the scale on top of our feet! what a hoot! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
WHY GOD MADE PETS
They protect our children...
They look out for the smaller ones...
They show us how to relax...
They 'converse' with each other.
They help you when you're down...
They are great at decorating for the Holidays.
They have 'great' expectations.
They are Patriotic.
They are happy to 'test' the water.
They know who's 'BOSS.
AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH!
HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY????? It is done by moving the corners of the mouth upward.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
I'm A Little Tea Cup....
Love this story or not, you will not be able to have tea in a tea cup again without thinking of this.
There was a couple who took a trip to England to shop in a beautiful antique store to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary.
They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked 'May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful.'
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke, 'You don't understand. I have not always been a teacup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'Don't do that.'
'I don't like it!' 'Let me alone,' but he only smiled, and gently said; 'Not yet!'
Then WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. 'Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!', I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly; 'Not yet.'
He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. 'Help! Get me out of here!'
I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, 'Not yet'.
When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on he shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! 'Ah, this is much better,' I thought.
But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Oh, please, Stop it, Stop, I cried. He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!'.
Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed.
I cried I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering 'What's he going to do to me next?'
An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.' And I did. I said, That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!!! *************************
Quietly he spoke: 'I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you'd have dried up.
I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled.
I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.
I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened.
You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held.
Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.'
The moral of this story is this:
God knows what He's doing for each of us.
He is the potter, and we are His clay.
He will mold us and make us and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.
So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance;
when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to 'stink', try this.
Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story and then, have a little talk with the Potter.
*******************
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles orthe golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
*********************
DIRECTIONS HOME I really like this one. Someone spent a lot of time on this.,
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. DIRECTIONS TO OUR FATHER'S HOUSE.
Make a Right onto Believeth Blvd.
Keep straight and go through the Green Light, which is Jesus Christ.
There, you must turn onto the Bridge of Faith , which is over troubled water.
When you get off the bridge, make a Right turn and Keep Straight.
You are on the King's Highway - Heaven-bound.
Keep going for three miles: One for the Father, One for the Son, and One for the Holy Ghost.
Then exit off onto Grace Blvd.
From there, make a Right turn on Gospel Lane Keep Straight and then make another Right on Prayer Road
As you go on your way, Yield Not to the traffic on Temptation Ave.
Also, avoid SIN STREET because it is a DEAD END.
Pass up Envy Drive and Hate Avenue
Also, pass Hypocrisy Street, Gossiping Lane , and Backbiting Blvd.
However, you have to go down Long-suffering Lane , Persecution Blvd. And Trials and Tribulations Ave.
But that's all right, because VICTORY Street is straight ahead! AMEN !!
SEND THESE DIRECTIONS TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY SO THEY WILL NOT GET LOST. Life is God's gift to you. The way you live it.......is your gift to God
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
this 1st one i heard 20 years ago and read it on a bus trip Mom and I were on to Las Vegas; all enjoyed and laughed a LONG time! Bettyg
******************************
Zipper down
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his 'barracks door.'
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?' --------------------------------------
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of duffel bags ---------------------------------------
[ 17. August 2008, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
folks, this is a SERIOUS one...fyi
i'd told hubby/closest friends years ago that i want this done for me when my time comes!!bettyg
Woman and a Fork
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live.
So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly. 'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued . 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it? ' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.
In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say,
'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?'
Then I want you to tell them:
'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.' *******************************************
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good -bye. He knew this would be one of t he last times he would see her before her death.
But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right h and.
Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died.
He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork; let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep your fork.'
Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. And keep your fork! *******************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Words to live by!
Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. He was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so...Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Have a garbage free day!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
the devil
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." ******************
An Elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--$50,000.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's old and getting senile.'
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.' *****************************
This new version of the 'footprints' story really caught me off guard at the end. What a blessing. JUST READ IT!
FOOTPRINTS...A New Version
Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.
But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.
For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling, His consistently.
You and Jesus are walking as true friends!
This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.
Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.
This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger.
Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.
This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints.
You are amazed and shocked.
Your dream ends. Now you pray:
'Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You.'
'That is correct.' 'And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely.'
'Very good.. You have understood everything so far.' When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way.'
'Precisely.' 'So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first.'
There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice. 'You didn't know? It was then that we danced!'
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.
I ASKED GOD I asked for a flower, He gave me a garden.
I asked for a tree, He gave me a forest.
I asked for a river, He gave me an ocean.
I asked for a friend, He gave me 'YOU.'
Send this to whomever you think of as a friend.. I did ..
'Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning.' (Psalm 30:5)
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
for all you elvis fans out there, here's some great music he sang back then ....
If you like the flag, like Elvis, or care for the USA, ya jus gotta listen to this. You will need sound
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father.
"What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, " It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (this one is my favorite)
=======
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! ________
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
9 Months Later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up tothe house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'
'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.'
And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA! ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA
If you are travelin soon, conside r Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce:
In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber t u bes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.
In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.
Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.
We start lunch right about noon a nd it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.
Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you.
Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
*******************
THE WRONG FUNERAL God doesn't make mistakes. He puts us where we are to be.
They say there are no mistakes, for everything there is a purpose. Makes you think. Enjoy! We'll never know where our paths will take us!
Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense; I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life.
When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor. 'What now, Lord?' I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone.
My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. Now she was with the Lord. My work was finished, and I was alone. I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle. 'I'm late,' he explained, though no explanation was necessary.
After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, 'Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of 'Margaret?'' 'Because that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary. No one called her 'Mary,'' I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?
'No, that isn't correct,' he insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, 'Her name is Mary, Mary Peters.' 'That isn't who this is.' 'Isn't this the Lutheran church?'
'No, the Lutheran church is across the street.' 'Oh.' 'I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir.'
The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs.
The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious.
I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was laughing, too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing. At the final 'Amen,' we darted out a door and into the parking lot. 'I do believe we'll be the talk of the town,' he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee. That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place.
A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.
In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them , 'Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven.'
Yes, I do Love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I would be nothing. Without him, I am nothing, but with Him I can do all things, through Christ that strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
State Flowers
This one is worth watching. The finale is great - moves fast so only lasts a minute
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run&=nbsp; as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
girls night out!
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over.
So he phoned the other husband and said, These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!
That's nothing said the other husband, mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' lol -------------
This will give you the chills.
A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible Study.
The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice.
The young man couldn't help but wonder, 'Does God still speak to people?'
After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message.
Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.
It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home.
Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, 'God...If you still speak to people, speak to me.. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.'
As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.
He shook his head and said out loud, 'God is that you?' He didn't get a reply and started on toward home.
But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk.
The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli.
'Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.' It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.
As he passed 7th St., he again felt the urge, 'Turn Down that street.'
This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection.
Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street .
At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh.
Half jokingly, he said out loud,
'Okay, God, I will.'
He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi- commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either.
The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.
Again, he sensed something! , 'Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.'
The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.
'Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.' Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.
Finally, he opened the door, 'Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something, but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here.'
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice! yelled out, 'Who is it? What do you want?' Then the door opened before the young man could get away.
The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. 'What is it?'
The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, 'Here, I brought this to you.'
The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk! toward the kitchen.
The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face.
The man began speaking and half crying, 'We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money.
We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.'
His wife in the kitchen yelled out, 'I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?'
The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand.
He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.
He knew that God still answers prayers.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Devil Made Me Send This...have a good laugh on this
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.
But there was a problem:
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, Once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! --------------------
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after..
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?? Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Zen of Sarcasm
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11.Ifyou lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
*****************
Tale of two pebbles
Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.
The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain.
He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.
So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.
He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag.
Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.
2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.
3) If she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles.
As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have done if you were the girl?
If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble. 2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat. 3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story.
The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.
The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.
What would you recommend to the Girl to do?
Well, here is what she did ...
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble.
Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
'Oh, how clumsy of me,' she said. 'But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.'
Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
MORAL OF THE STORY?
Most complex problems do have a solution.
It is only that we don't attempt to think.
Start your day with this thought provoking story and have a fruitful day.
Have a week filled with positive thoughts and sound decisions.
**************
Deer hunting
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Did Anyone Ever Tell You Just How Special You Are.
The Light that You Emit Might even Light a Star
Did Anyone Ever Tell You How Important You Make Others Feel.
Somebody out here is Smiling, because of something you said or something you did!
Did Anyone Ever Tell You that Many Times When They were Sad Your E-mail made Them Smile? In Fact, It made Them Glad.
Did Anyone Ever Tell You Just How Much They Like You.
Well, My Dearest Friend Today I am Telling You I believe that without a friend you are missing out on a lot!!!
Have a nice day, and I'm glad we are friends!!!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Whether Democrat or Republican,you should get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics? '
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely Soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep $hit. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
ST. PETER ....
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25Th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.' The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......
***************
How old is Grandpa?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandpa replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There was no:
' radar
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers !
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense..
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, ride on a bus, and a Coke were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.. and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
This man would be only 58 years old! **************************************
Wash Day...
Monday Wash Day Lord, help me wash away all my selfishness and vanity, so I may serve you with perfect humility through the week ahead.
Tuesday Ironing Day Dear Lord, help me iron out all the wrinkles of prejudice I have collected through the years so that I may see the beauty in others.
Wednesday Mending Day O God, help me mend my ways so I will not set a bad example for others.
Thursday Cleaning Day Lord Jesus, help me to dust out all the many faults I have been hiding in the secret corners of my heart.
Friday Shopping Day O God, give me the grace to shop wisely so I may purchase eternal happiness for myself and all others in need of love.
Saturday Cooking Day Help me, my Savior, to brew a big kettle of brotherly love and serve it with clean, sweet bread of human kindness.
Sunday The Lord's Day O God, I have prepared my house for you. Please come into my heart so I may spend the day and the rest of my life in your presence.
'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you Meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
********************
GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE
When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend, And then I started to become a woman. And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man. Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,' Another , 'Let's fight together,' Another , 'Let's walk away together.'
One friend will meet your spiritual need, Another your shoe fetish, Another your love for movies, Another will be with you in your season of confusion, Another will be your clarifier, Another the wind beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life, On whatever the occasion, On whatever the day, Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .. Those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it's wrapped up in several.. One from 7th grade, One from high school, Several from the college years, a couple from old jobs, On some days your mother, On some days your neighbour, On others, your sisters, And on some days, your daughters.
So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years, AND ONLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO, Pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life To make a difference. Thanks for being in my circle. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The police Inspector calls the Coroner to find out what has happened.The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.''
The Second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson, from Minnesota, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector. 'Thought he was having his picture taken.' Posted by Vermont_Lymie (Member # 9780) on :
Betty, that last one is hilarious, especially if you know minnesotans! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late ************************************
Innocence is priceless (little Spencer)
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Spencer standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy. And said quietly, 'Good morning Spence.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Spencer's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30 am? Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Daddy sleeps naked
'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. 'It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this 'one on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
**'You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma; that darn coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids. ** **He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.
Then he stuck that double barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyote on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and comes sneakin' up behind Daddy.
Then as we all looked on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's butt ! 'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!' **
* * Dad At The Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' *********
Arthritis
A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
*************
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' ************
Love these old people
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport when the captain comes on the line "this is your captain - I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area"
He forgets to turn off the intercom switch so now the whole plane can hear his conversation with the co-pilot from the cockpit
Co pilot says "So Skippy whatcha got planned while were in Tampa???" Captain answers "First I'm gonna check into the hotel, go to my room, take a big crap then take that new stewardess with the huge tits out to dinner - wine her and dine her then take her back to my room and give her a ride on the Baloney Pony all night long"
Aghast and amused everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle to figure out who this new stewardess is
Meanwhile the stewardess who is seated at the very back of the plane, embarrassed half to death, starts running toward the cockpit to turn off the intercom - Halfway down the aisle she trips over an old ladys handbag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says "No need to hurry dear he's gotta land the plane and take a crap first" ********
Clean your own first
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
'That laundry is not very clean', she said. 'She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap' Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
'Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?'
The husband said, 'I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.'
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others, depends on the purity of the window through which we look. *********
92ND BIRTHDAY
Getting old...... He spoke to his toes:'Hello, toes!' he said. 'How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember we ;walked in the park every Sunday afternoon during summer. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!'
'Hello, knees,' he continued. 'How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!'
Then, he looked down at his crotch. 'Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92. '*********
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING
Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my Grandpa!' The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal and women with big tits.' Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Ole & Sven shop on the Internet
Ole & Sven were looking @ the latest Sears catalog & admiring the models. Ole said to Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful & look @ the price!" Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." Sven smiles & pats him on the back.
"Good idea! Order one & if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend, Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?" Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
**************
The Wal-Mart Cat
A BLONDE was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??? HELLOOOOOOOOO! ?
WALMART is the largest RE-TAILER in the world!!! ************************************
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. -------------------------------
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
***********************
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,' And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...' And can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee. ---------------------------------------- No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway. ******************************************
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive any way.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin thing' usually end in fine.(
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement Often misunderstood by men.
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.
DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever'.)
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F_ _ _ YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know these rules are all true. -- Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
i'm starting off with a serious one; one we can all relate too on our lyme journeys...
CRABBY OLD MAN
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem.
Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Missouri.
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.
A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses?....What do you see? What are you thinking.......when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, not very wise, Uncertain of habit ...... with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food and makes no reply When you say in a loud voice.. 'I do wish you'd try!
Who seems not to notice the things that you do. And forever is losing..... A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not.. lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding.......The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see? Then open your eyes nurse You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am.
As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding,.....as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten.....with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters.........who love one another
A young boy of sixteen with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon now a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at twenty......my heart gives a leap. Remembering, the vows.......that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five, now........I have young of my own. Who need me to guide....And a secure happy home.
A man of thirty.....My young now grown fast, Bound to each other.......With ties that should last.
Forty, my young sons.....have grown and are gone, But my woman's beside me.....to see I don't mourn.
At fifty, once more,.....Babies play 'round my knee , Again, we know children.....My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me.
My wife is now dead. I look at the future............I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing.....young of their own. And I think of the years....
And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man. and nature is cruel. Tis jest to make old age.....look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles.........grace and vigor, depart. There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass......
A young guy still dwells, And now and again.........my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys..............I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years.....all too few......gone too fast. And accept the stark fact.........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people.........open and see. Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!! ***************************
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within....we will all, one day, be there, too!
(Much sooner than we expect to be there.)
PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.
(If you haven't learned this lesson already, get prepared it comes very quickly)
**********************************
Dear God:
The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her.
Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.
Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most,
And let her know when she walks with you, She will always be safe.
******************************
Meaning of color and your Birthday
Don't cheat, If you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper,
and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.
1. Which is your favorite color out of: red , black , blue , green , or yellow ?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!)
answers
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the m aximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong l ove relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8.. If you chose:
Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
*******************
Posted by Liz D (Member # 16739) on :
hehehehhehe what happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool ??
it had mittens heheheheheh
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
THIS is a serious one, but good music as you read it!!
This is beautiful and I wanted to share. Take a few moments...
Getting older: lf for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ......... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your he art not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES
Posted by emla999/Lyme (Member # 12606) on :
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: 'Today, I am going to create a land called Minnesota.
It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of 10,000 beautiful lakes, each one full of fish. It shall have tall majestic pines, peacefully flowing rivers, landscapes full of buffalo, tall grass, and eagles, beautiful blue skies, forests full of bear, elk and moose, rich farmland and fair skinned people.'
God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper and they shall be known as a most friendly people, people who practice being Minnesota Nice every day.'
But Lord,' asked Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Minnesotans?'
'Not really,' replied God 'just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.' *******
AND NOW YOU KNOW
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Ole & Sven's Holiday Diet
Ole and Sven had really 'packed on the pounds' by over-eating during Christmas and the New Year's Holidays, so their doctor put them on the same diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Norwegians returned, they shocked their doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS each.
'Why, that's positively amazing!' the doctor said. 'Did you follow my instructions?'
Then Ole and Sven nodded and said. . . . . . .
'We vant to tell you though, we taut we was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 'No, yust from all dat skippin'! *********************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
some serious ones here, but inspirational for this CHRIMSTAS day 2008 !!
Merry Christmas everyone or to whoever you believe in. May you all have healthier and happier new years! BettyG, Iowa
I saw this many years ago and I still love it. Hope you enjoy it too. Interview with God - absolutely beautiful . No matter what you believe,this is worth the 60 seconds it takes to watch.
Merry Christmas to some of my favorite people! I hope you can take time to read this ~ it's perfect for the season.
Quilt of Holes
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.
Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes.
Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.
My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter.
But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life.
I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.
I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.
An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.
Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.
Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'
May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!
God determines who walks into your life ... it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'
Say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.
Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that you know they may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
since board has been down, i'll have lots of posts for this subject!
TROOPER AND THE FARMER ... good one! thx judy! betty A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses a.. ?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses a.."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
*************** From: Subject: A question of the season Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2008 06:27:00 +0000
fyi
Feel free to sail these comments over the Internet to friends, favorite websites or jumpstart a conversation with YOUR comments at one of the following sites or to me. This and more timely columns and blogs are available at www.Knoxvoice.com/blog/truthserum/,www.mwcnews.net,www.opednews.com/blogs/ and elsewhere. To be taken off this list, click unsuscribe at bottom.
My latest
Go ahead, hang a shining star upon the highest bough and... you know...
by Don Williams Shalom, salaam, namaste shantih, kapayapaan and peace.
While ringing a bell for universality, I pose a question to observers of Christmas, one that bestirs itself to haunt me in a tuneful way each holiday season, and so I pass my quizzical spirit of Christmas past along to you...
Did you ``hang a shining star upon the highest bough'' or merely ``muddle through somehow'' this Christmas season? (Either way it's not too late, unless you're catching up to this in 09).
And does that choice represent the difference between....
Idealists and realists?
Traditionalists and progressives?
Or just Garland and Sinatra?
Some would say it's a question that separates purists from subversives.
OK, it's a question topped with froth, I admit. Silly on the surface, but I maintain it's deep and rich underneath.
And so it sometimes haunts philosophers and music lovers.
And because it involves one of the most beautiful and subtle tunes ever, it's a question I take pleasure in considering as I listen for ``Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,'' the song from whence it springs.
Be warned:
The song has two endings, so unless you've listened carefully each year as the earth slips into darkness of winter solstice and thereby come to know each crooner's take, you'll have to wait until the next to the very last line--don't forget to pay attention--to discover which version you're hearing.
Is it the one that emerges from darkness to embrace light, or the one that embraces darkness?
Is it maudlin to suggest one should hang a star upon the highest bough?
That's the heart of the question, the conundrum of the season, isn't it?
You'll not hear any advice about hanging a star if you should sit to watch ``Meet Me in St. Louis'' (1944, Vincente Minelli dir.), the movie that made the song famous.
It just might be the best Christmas card ever to pose as a film. I made viewing it a ritual occasion after reading a sweet essay by Knoxville librarian Nelda Hill two or three years ago. Hill chronicled how the movie had become a permanent holdiay fixture among rituals at her family hearth.
In the film, Judy Garland croons the song to her sister, a character played by 7-year-old Margaret O'Brien, when it appears their happy family must leave their beloved St. Louis home.
The film's saccharine to some tastes, but it's warm and beautiful and spiced by an edgy script containing irreverence and whimsy.
My favorite lines emanate from O'Brien, the most heartbreaking child actor of all time (yes, including Shirley Temple) who--telling why she can't possibly move to New York-says with both spunk and a tear in her voice....
``I'm starting a tunnel tomorrow from our garden right under the streetcar tracks into Mrs. Middleton's terrace. While she's walking around her lawn, I'll grab her by the leg... I'm not going till I'm finished.''
But leave she must, or so she comes to believe, and if you know the story of the song, maybe you heard that composer Hugh Martin originally penned lyrics almost comically bleak. According to WordHappy, a feature of a blog at toddiedowns.wordpress.com, they included:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
It may be your last....
And....
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us no more.
Judy Garland found the words too depressing, so Hugh Martin changed them for the film, though the song ended on the lines....
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow,
and have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
With apologies to traditionalists, that closing always struck me as not just depressing but predictable.
The prettiest and perhaps most meaningful line in caroling only made it to the song in 1957, when Frank Sinatra asked Martin to brighten the words in keeping with the mood of Sinatra's album, ``A Jolly Christmas,'' then in the works.
And so Martin bestowed the gift of....
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
Try singing without raising your eyes to some starry beyond as your voice ascends the phrase.
I confess that each year I try to hang such a star if only in a metaphorical sense (my wife prefers an angel atop the tree) and this is what I'd prescribe for you.
Go ahead, it's not too late, hang a shining star upon the highest bough...
And... you know....
Don Williams is a prize-winning columnist for Knoxville Voice, a blogger for www.knoxvoice.com and the founding editor and publisher of New Millennium Writings, an annual anthology of literary stories, essays and poems. He is finishing a novel, "ORACLE OF THE ORCHID LOUNGE," set in his native Tennessee and Iraq.
*********
Interesting. Turn on your sound.
44 U.S Presidents' pictures, starting with George Washington. VERY INTERESTING HOW THIS IS DONE.... A SEAMLESS TRANSITION FROM ONE PIC TO ANOTHER...... Turn up the volume. Forty four presidents, backed by Ravel's Bolero. http://www.flixxy.com/presidents-morphing.htm
24 HOURS LEFT ... Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't." *********************************
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions.
It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary.
Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.
Obituary
Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; a nd a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Author unknown **************
THE Little HOUSE behind the House!
One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore Was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o'er the door. 'Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn't be there, If you didn't just HAVE to go.
Our's was a multi-holler, three, With a size for every one. You left there feeling better, After your job was done.
You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually, Found the Sears catalog.
Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. T'was then with much reluctance, To that little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You'd shut your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear.
I recall the day Ol' Grandpa, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer.
'Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made With rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He'd eventually rue the day. Now Grandpa had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet.
He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door.
He lit the pipe and sure enough, It soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol' Grandpa Sprawled out there on the ground.
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three -holler Was blown clear out of sight.
We asked him what had happened, What he said I'll ne'er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he et! Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign That read: No Smoking, Please
Now that's the story's end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, Because we HAD to go.
For those who never had to trot out in the Cold..... Just be thankful, for progress,and, some things,
That are worth more than GOLD!
******************
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS.........
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher '
*************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
graphics were great with this one!
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. And they did!
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Laurel and Hardy,Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery,the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell , Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie P.F Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601). Party lines
Howdy Doody
Hi-Fi's
45 RPM records
78 RPM records!
Green Stamps
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
Erector Sets
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
25 cent a gallon gasoline
Do you remember a time when...
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was 'cooties'?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
Baseball cards in the spokes ransformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Great Recipe This is kind of long but take time to read when you get a chance. A nice reminder............. 1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant. 2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to. 3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________' 4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts. 6. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card. 9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?' 17. Forgive everyone for everything. 18. What other people think of you is none of your business. 19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him. 20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!! 22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________. 24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed. 25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it. ************ GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE : 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend: Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive any way. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.' If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
But Most Of All, Remember! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered. *********************
"That is an honourable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....
I guess only people in the medical field could really appreciate this. Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. Okay then, Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
I'm so sorry, said the nurse. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?
It's swollen, Fred replied. ****************
Subject: FW: BABY QUEEN ( this is brilliant )]
Open the attachment, click on the "Baby Queen" and ENJOY ...!
THIS IS SO FUNNY. Who ever made this is very clever.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Walmart Greeter
Yep, even when I need to work after "retirement," it won't be at a Wall Mart
As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part-time job after retiring from my 'day job'.
Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
------------------------
One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes' exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
lol ****************
MEMORY TEST!
This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. It will help if you are over 60! This one will be difficult for the younger set.
Have fun, but no peeking!
When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line & let t hem know your score.
Don't forget to forward it to me, as well. Good luck youngsters.
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins B. The Buttmaster C. Spaghetti D. Wonder Bread E. Orange Juice F. Milk G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson B. Roy Orbison C. Gene Autry D. Rudolph Valentino E. Fabian F. Mickey Mantle G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you B. He is us C. It's the Grinch D. He wasn't home E. He's really me an F. We quit G. He surrendered
4. Good night David.
A. Good nigh Chet B. Sleep well C. Good night Irene D. Good night Gracie E. See you later alligator F. Until tomorrow G. Good night Steve
5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide B. When you lose your crayons C. When you clean your tub D. If you paint the room blue E. If you buy a soft water tank F. When you use Lady Clairol G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman B. Randolph Scott C. Steve Reeves D. Maynard G. Krebbs E. Corky B. Dork F. Dave the Whal e G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar B. Your nose is growing C. Pants on fire D. Join the choir E. Jump up higher F. On the wire G. I'm telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties B. Lois Lane C. TV ratings D. World peace E. Red tights F. The American way G. News headlines
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear B. It's time to do your homework C. It's Howdy Doody Time D. It's Time for Romper Room E. It's bedtime F. The Mighty Mouse Hour G. Scoopy Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears....
A. Yikes B. Oh no C. Gee whiz D. I'm scared E. Oh my F. Help! Help! G. Let's run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40 B. Wearing a uniform C. Carrying a briefcase D. Over 30 E. You don't know F. Who says, 'Trust me' G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...
A. Troy Aikman B. Kenny Stabler C. Joe Namath D. Roger Stauback E. Joe Montana F. Steve Young G. John Elway
13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on B. You'll smell great C. Tame that cowlick D. Grease ball heaven E. It's a dream F. We're your team G. A little dab'll do ya
14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins B. With my man, Bill C. Down at the mill D. Over the windowsill E. With t hyme and dill F. Too late to enjoy G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable B. Mary Martin C. Doris Day D. Errol Flynn E. Sally Fields F. Jim Carey G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles...
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who..
A. Who ate the leftovers? B.. Who did the laundry? C. Was it you? D. Who wrote the book of love? E.. Who I am? F. Passed the test? G. Knocked on the door?
18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli B. Cause I eats me spinach C. Cause I lift weights D. Cause I'm the hero E. And don't you forget it F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me G. To outlast Bruto
19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera B. Smile, you're on Star Search C. Smile, you won the lottery D. Smile, we're watching you E. Smile, the world sees you F. Smile, you're a hit G. Smile, you're on TV
20. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy B.. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket C. Make you fat D. Melt your heart E. Make you popular F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand G. Come in colors
Below are the right answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread 2. G - Cassius Clay 3. B - He Is Us 4. A - Good night, Chet 5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent 6. D - Maynard G.. Krebbs 7. C - Pants On Fire 8. F - The American Way 9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time 10. E - Oh My 11. D - Over 30 12. C - Joe Namath 13. G - A little dab'll do ya 14. G - On Blueberry Hill 15. B - Mary Martin 16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo 17. D - Who wrote the book of Love 18. B - Cause I eats me spinach 19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera 20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
***************
WINTER Poem
It's winter in Iowa And the gentle breezes blow Seventy miles an hour At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Iowa When the snow's up to your butt You take a breath of winter And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful So I guess I'll hang around I could never leave Iowa I'm frozen to the freakin'' ground!
**********
if you do have high speed for fun. .... ABOUT ALL THE PILLS WE TAKE!
M-ake us O-bedient & R-eady for a N-ew day with Him. I-nspire others please, and N-ever forget, G-od loves you!
If you like it, send it to others. God will bless you for doing just that!!!
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!
************
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....
I guess only people in the medical field could really appreciate this.
Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.
Okay then, Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen..
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
I'm so sorry, said the nurse. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honourable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. --------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." -------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. -------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? ---------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) ----------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." -------------------------------------
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" ---------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! Who DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. "HEBREWS" -----------------------------------------
the Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ------------------------------------------
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boy friend.'
The minister fainted. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
a serious one; but how true!
WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING
A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'
I AM SENDING THIS TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW WHO DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS, BUT THINK THAT NO ONE EVER SEES.
LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT . *******************
Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influence the life of a child.
How will you touch the life of someone today? Just by sending this to someone else, you will probably make them at least think about their influence on others.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
*******************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A GREAT RECIPE-FOR LIFE
1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. GOD heals everything-but you have to ask Him.
20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
21. Your job won't take care of you when you are in need. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!
22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.
************************
THIS STARTED IN 1998
I don't know if this has been around this long but I thought it was really a nice thought and something to live by. May God bless...
'The light of God surrounds us. The love of God enfolds us. The power of God protects us. The presence of God watches over us. Wherever we are God is and all is well.'
Angels have walked beside me all My life--and they still do. *********************
This is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness. The Candle Of Love, Hope & Friendship
This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998
Someone who loves you has helped Keep it alive by sending it to you.
Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die!
Pass It On To All of your friends and everyone you love! May God richly bless you as you keep this candle burning.
I received it today for the first time and I hope it comes back again someday. Please keep this candle alive
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Posted by steve1906 (Member # 16206) on :
Maybe I can make you smile!!!
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE LYME WHEN:
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
Steve [Smile]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
REDNECK SEX
A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Bubba and Sweet Pea, paid a visit to their doctor.
"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said Bubba. "My thingy's turnin' blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Bubba's "thingy" really was blue.
The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"
"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape", she said. **********************
Snoring
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help .
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around he dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom , he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by golly, we took first and second place!"
********************************
ole
Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars," she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."
"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shined that damn light in her face."
*****************
A letter to my bank.
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me.
If one of my checks is returned marked "Insufficient Funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?
***************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Lars, a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised aLutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his grill and cook a venison steak.
All of Lars' neighbors were Catholic. Since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venisonsteaks was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to the priest. The priest came to visit Lars and suggested that Lars convert to catholicism.
After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass.
As the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said,
"You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a catholic."
Lars' neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors As he rushed into Lars' yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched..
There stood Lars, holding a small bottle of water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted,
"You were born a deer and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye." Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Disorder in the American Courts/ laugh for the day .
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, recorded and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
DEFENDANT: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? DEFENDANT: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ________________ _________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-------------------------------------
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ..
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be darned!! A talking pig!' lol
***********************
WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING
A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you made my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'
**********************
LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT . *******************
Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influence the life of a child.
How will you touch the life of someone today?
Just by sending this to someone else, you will probably make them at least think about their influence on others. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
************
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden!
You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham.
Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." *******************************
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps,
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said.. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered. ********************
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole." ********************
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." **************************
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean"
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?" *************
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth ***********************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
for a unique one on a special video; very inspiring!! The Grocery Store Bagger!!
This short pps show is an inspirational story. It is a story of Johnny, the grocery store bagger.
It is very short, but it will remind you of why and how we make an impact in what we do.
You may even want to share it with others, and I hope you will.
It's amazing how one young Down's Syndrome bagger made such a wonderful impact on those customers lucky enough to have Johnny bag their groceries!
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The women were arguing noisily even in the court.
The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." ------------------------------
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony. **********************************************
need a laugh; watch this 9 minute video and pay attention to the senior citizen in the middle who will crack you and the professional comedian up! thx Lois! betty ************************
G U I D A N C E
Dancing With God
When I meditated on the word ~ Guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing. When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw "G": I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i".
"God, "u" and "i" dance." God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies are upon you on this day and every day.
May you abide in God, as God abides in you. Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life.
This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached. If God has done anything for you in your life, please share this message with someone else.
There is no cost but a lot of rewards; so let's continue to pray for one another.
And I Hope You Dance Through 2009! ************************************
THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME
Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.
The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs.
They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate named 'Love.' Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because 'Love never fails.'
The next batter was named Faith , who also got a single because Faith works with Love .
The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch.
Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked because he never swings at what satan throws.
The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His star player.
Up to the plate stepped Grace . Freddy said, 'He sure doesn't look like much!'
satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace . Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch.
To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen! But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by.
He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; the roaring crowds went wild as the ball continued over the fence
The Lord's team won!
The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith and Godly Wisdom could get on base but couldn't win the game. Freddy answered that he didn't know why.
The Lord explained, 'If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game, you would think you had done it by yourself.
Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home:
'For by Grace are you saved, it is a gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephestians 2:8-9
Psalm 84:11, 'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.'
I do Love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I am nothing, but with him: 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.' Phil 4:13
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
this you will enjoy!! UPLIFTING; BRINGING TEARS TO YOUR EYES.
Connie talbot, the young girl on the clips is only 6 years old. ********************
I've seen the first clip before and may have even passed it along to you all.
The fist clip tells the story of her start so watch it first.
The second clip is even better so Turn up your sound and listen....I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!
there are MORE videos so listen to them all as you read/type here!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears.
Sometimes... when you are in pain. no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes. when you are worried.. no one sees your stress
Sometimes. when you are happy.. no one sees your smile ..
But FART !! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
***************
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career *************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.' 'Why not?' he asked. She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!' She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.' He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'
'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
.............
Remember... Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed .
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put some in the food.
....If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan... Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know... God won't give me more than I can handle There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff
If the shoe fits... Buy a pair in every colour..
Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian. Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bills travel through the mail... At twice the speed of cheques.
If you look like your passport picture... You probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind And narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years And throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
Have A Wonderful Day! Hold your loved ones close, tell them your love them, for if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today!
*****************************
serious one but thoughtful ...
Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd = That's Relationship!
I shall not want = That's Supply!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures = That's Rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters = That's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul = That's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness = That's Guidance!
For His name sake = That's Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of t he shadow of death = That's Testing!
I will fear no evil = That's Protection!
For Thou art with me = That's Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me = That's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies = That's Hope!
Thou annointes t my head with oil = That's Consecration!
My cup runneth over = That's Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life = That's Blessing !
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord = That's Security!
Forever = That's Eternity!
Face it, the Lord is crazy about you.
I thought this was pretty special, just like YOU!!!
What is most valuable, Is not what we have in our lives, but WHO we have in our lives!
'Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to move your Feet' Peace.
Even though you can't see Him, GOD is there for you When Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Remember, If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, Then you're just a sour old fart!
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial rates And blamed it on the cost of living.
Are you smiling yet? Have a great day!!
THE IRONY OF LIFE IS THAT, BY THE TIME YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW YOUR WAY AROUND, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ANY MORE. **********************************************
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent".
In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?" ***********************
SERIOUS .... CELINE DION & ELVIS SINGING DUET!!
For those of you that didn't see the show, Celine Dion appeared to walk out and stand next to Elvis as the two sang a duet of the classic "If I can Dream." It was like he was raised from the dead. Everyone has been asking how it was done. ET said tonight it was a hologram. Totally amazing what they can do now. Estimated cost of this was said to have cost between $50,000 to $100,000 and it is said it took months and months to create. Prior to the performance, Celine practiced with an Elvis impersonator. However it was done, it was totally amazing to me. She sounded great singing with Elvis. The duet was fantastic.
Celine Dion in front of a LIVE Studio Audience. This is absolutely unbelievable how they have done this. It really - really does look for all the world that Elvis is actually standing there live on stage singing along side Celine Dion in front of the live American Idol audience. Watch and listen to the audience going berserk, as they themselves think they are actually seeing Elvis right there in front of them. A truly amazing use of modern day technology brings Elvis Presley back to life in front of your own eye's. Click below!
The main difference between http:// and https:// is all about keeping you secure.
HTTP stands for HyperText Transport Protocol,
which is just a fancy way of saying it is a protocol (a language, in a manner of speaking) for information to be passed back and forth between web servers and clients.
The important thing is the letter S which makes the difference between HTTP and HTTPS.
The S (big surprise) stands for "Secure".
If you visit a web site or web page, and look at the address in the web browser, it will likely begin with the following: http://.
This means that the web site is talking to your browser using the regular 'unsecured' language.
In other words, it is possible for someone to "eavesdrop" on your computer's conversation with the web site.
If you fill out a form on the web site, someone might see the information you send to that site.
This is why you never ever enter your credit card number in an http web site!
that basically means your computer is talking to the web site in a secure code that no one can eavesdrop on.
You understand why this is so important, right?
If a web site ever asks you to enter your credit card information, you should automatically look to see if the web address begins with https://.
If it does not, there is no way you are going to enter sensitive information like a credit card number.
PASS IT ON. You may save someone a lot of grief.
*********************
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a Urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did He say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!" ***********************
MINIMUM WAGE >> >> >> A man owned a small Ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed >> he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to >> interview him.>> >> >> "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the >> agent.>> >> >> "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 >> years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.>> >> >> The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free >> room and board.>> >> >> Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about >> 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own >> room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He >> also sleeps with my wife occasionally.">> >> >> "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.>> >> >> "That would be me," replied the Rancher **************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Your 4 Boy friends
Once upon a time there was a girl who had four boyfriends.
She loved the fourth boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.
She also loved the third boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.
She also loved her second boyfriend. He was her confident and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.
The girl's first boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom.. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, 'I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, she asked the fourth boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No way!', replied the fourth boyfriend, and he walked away without another word. His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the third boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the third boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!' Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the second boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the second boyfriend.. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he had suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
In truth, you have four boyfriends in your lives:
Your fourth boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your third boyfriend is your status, wealth and possessions. When you die, it will all go to others.
Your second boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your first boyfriend is your spirit. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, your spirit is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.
Thought for the day:
Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. ****************************************
It takes a second to realize what is happening, but this is truly brilliant.
A video that was submitted in a contest by a 20 year old. The contest was Titled "u @ 50".
This video won second place. When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into spontaneous applause.
So simple and yet so brilliant. Take a minute and watch it.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?''
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment..........
Father O'Malley then replied:
''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
this isn't funny; it's truly remarkable !!!
4 fingered pianist !!!
we can count our blessings! amazing. bettyg, iowa
Oh my goodness...and we think we have problems..What an amazing young woman...
5.) Make sure your hair is dry before going outside..
6.) Eat right.
7.) Get outside in the sun every once in a while.
8.) Always wear a seatbelt.
9.) Control your drinking of alcoholic beverages.
10.) Smile! It will make you feel better.
11.) Don't over indulge yourself.
12.) Bathe regularly.
13.) Read to exercise the brain.
14.) Surround yourself with friends.
15.) Stay away from too much caffeine.
16.) Use the bathroom regularly.
17.) Get plenty of exercise.
18.) Have your eyes checked regularly.
19.) Eat plenty of vegetables.
20.) Believe that people will like you for who you are.
21.) Forgive and forget.
22.) Take plenty of vacations.
23.) Celebrate all special occasions.
24.) Pick up a hobby.
24.) Love your neighbor as yourself.
25.) Send this to your computer buds to give them a warm fuzzy!
Do all these things and you will be a happier, healthier person!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Old Love
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.. He throws the kite up in the air.
The wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.' *********************
Hi, Friends,
With the "physical" garden planting season about here, we should remember our "spiritual" gardening as well.
How To Plant Your Garden
First, you Come to the garden alone, While the dew is still on the roses....
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING, PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind 2. Peace of heart 3. Peace of soul
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me." **************************
This is NOT a pushover test, well except that it may be for you.
There are 20 questions. Average score is 12.
It will help if you are over 60, not that YOU are, of course!
This one will be difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking!
When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line & let them know your score.
Don't forget to forward it to me, as well. Good luck youngsters.
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins B. The Buttmaster C. Spaghetti D. Wonder Bread E. Orange Juice F. Milk G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson B. Roy Orbison C. Gene Autry D. Rudolph Valentino E. Fabian F. Mickey Mantle G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you B. He is us C. It's the Grinch D. He wasn't home E. He's really me an F. We quit G. He surrendered
4. Good night David.
A. Good nigh Chet B. Sleep well C. Good night Irene D. Good night Gracie E. See you later alligator F. Until tomorrow G. Good night Steve
5.. You'll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide B. When you lose your crayons C. When you clean your tub D. If you paint the room blue E. If you buy a soft water tank F. When you use Lady Clairol G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman B. Randolph Scott C. Steve Reeves D. Maynard G. Krebbs E. Corky B. Dork F. Dave the Whale G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar B. Your nose is growing C. Pants on fire D. Join the choir E. Jump up higher F. On the wire G. I'm telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties B. Lois Lane C. TV ratings D. World peace E. Red tights F. The American way G. News headlines
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear B. It's time to do your homework C. It's Howdy Doody Time D. It's Time for Romper Room E. It's bedtime F. The Mighty Mouse Hour G. Scoopy Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes B. Oh no C. Gee whiz D. I'm scared E. Oh my F. Help! Help! G. Let's run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40 B. Wearing a uniform C. Carrying a briefcase D. Over 30 E. You don't know F. Who says, 'Trust me' G. Who eats tofu
12.. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings....
A. Troy Aikman B. Kenny Stabler C. Joe Namath D. Roger Stauback E. Joe Montana F. Steve Young G. John Elway
13. Brylcream... A. Smear it on B. You'll smell great C. Tame that cowlick D. Grease ball heaven E. It's a dream F. We're your team G. A little dab'll do ya
14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins B. With my man, Bill C. Down at the mill D. Over the windowsill E. With thyme and dill F. Too late to enjoy G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable B. Mary Martin C. Doris Day D. Errol Flynn E. Sally Fields F. Jim Carey G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles...
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who.
A. Who ate the leftovers? B. Who did the laundry? C. Was it you? D.. Who wrote the book of love? E. Who I am? F. Passed the test? G. Knocked on the door?
18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli B. Cause I eats me spinach C. Cause I lift weights D. Cause I'm the hero E. And don't you forget it F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me G. To outlast Bruto
19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera B. Smile, you're on Star Search C.. Smile, you won the lottery D. Smile, we're watching you E. Smile, the world sees you F. Smile, you're a hit G. Smile, you're on TV
20. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket C. Make you fat D. Melt your heart E. Make you popular F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand G. Come in colors
Below are the right answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread 2. G - Cassius Clay 3. B - He Is Us 4. A - Good night, Chet 5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent 6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs 7. C - Pants On Fire 8. F - The American Way 9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time 10. E - Oh My 11. D - Over 30 12. C - Joe Namath 13. G - A little dab'll do ya 14. G - On Blueberry Hill 15. B - Mary Martin 16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo 17. D - Who wrote the book of Love 18. B - Cause I eats me spinach 19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera 20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Innocence is Priceless
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American Flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good Morning Alex."
"Good Morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service... the 8:30 or the 10:30?" ********************************************
Dear God:
The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her.
Help her live her life to the fullest.
Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.
Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.
Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most.
and let her know when she walks with you,
She will always be safe.
Love you Girl !! ;-)
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Marriage
(Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.....whether you're here or not.'
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!) *****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' (RIGHT ON, LADY!) *****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5 AM..' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. *****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. ************** ***************************
Send this to smart women who need a laugh and to men you think can handle it.
--------------------
LORD, THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER....
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.. Judy again remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs!, Ethel...." lol
Posted by hurtingramma (Member # 7770) on :
Two friends were having drinks in a bar. Friend #1 says "Did you know that moose have sex 10-15 times a night?
#2 Oh crap, and I just joined the VFW. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
from roy, rreynolds' post elsewhere .... thanks roy!
(also check out "Lyme Quotes from physicians" HERE)
SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST FOR NEUROLOGICAL LYME (to be filled out by Lyme patients only)
2. Hell-bent to tell the "truth" especially on any given "politically incorrect" subject.
3. Frightening, complete reordering of priorities (These new priorities run close to those of Mother Therese.)
4. Talking like you are Mother Therese.
5. A sleeping pattern resembling the long rest of hibernating bears or the worse condition of inability to sleep even upon administration of meds to kill a pair of rhinos.
6. Sudden realization you made a major mistake in the choosing your husband.
7. A diagnosis from at least 3 (I set a minimal record of 2), often more (up to 15) MDs that reads "psychosomatic disorder".
8. An extreme propensity (albeit usually accurate) to find lyme in others
9. An ability to lose approximately 100 things a day, followed by an inability to find them, although 80% of them are exactly where they're supposed to be.
10. Verbal dyslexia, i.e. saying the word "cow" when the word called for was "pencil" (not a close match).
11. Seeing double (i.e. seeing 2 of your husband(s) even though you don't even want to see one of him).
12. Getting lost in your car though you are only 2 houses away from your home and your Irish Setter is pointing his tail at your house.
13. Forgetting if you just took 1 Zithromax or 12.
14. Losing most or all of approximately 30 pages of paper with pertinent info., i.e. Lyme Support members' phone nos., Burrascano's protocol, directions for how to put out a fire (you recently lost the fire extinguisher itself).
15. Mood swings greater than jungle animals.
16. Times when you should keep your mouth shut because of complete cognitive dysfunction, but you don't.
17. ESP followed by periods of "clueless".
18. Deciding to commit suicide, during a period of severe mental agitation, by smoking yourself to death, then being too lethargic to go out and buy any cigarettes.
19. Inability to spell "the" - it just doesn't look right.
20. Rages in which you throw and break all your phones which makes it impossible to call for help.
21. Confusion caused by having all of 2 things on your "to do" list for the day.
1. 8 chest symptoms that send you to the ER with fear of heart attack though the ER is a dangerous place for Lyme patients (and others).
2. A pain that begins in your ankle, jumps quickly to an unparallel knee, gets stuck in your neck and leaves via your stomach.
3. Tremors that seem to stem from the San Andreas fault (and whose fault is that?).
4. After not being hit by a truck, waking up feeling like you have been
5. Losing weight while consuming illegal amts. of chocolate.
6. Gaining weight after deciding, Ghandi-like, to protest the state of lyme treatment by refusing food.
7. Unusual sounds that are non-existent, i.e. phones ringing, doorbells, dogs coughing, cats peeing and such.
8. Hyperacussis, as in hearing a neighbor's dog fart, hearing an ant crawling on an outside window ledge 3 rooms away, having a strong desire to gag your child because he is talking in a normal tone of voice.
9. Tired although in 2 days you have slept 48 hours.
10. Testicular pain and you are a female.
11. Unexplained menopause at age 12.
12. Heart palpitations that rival Buddy Rich.
13. Irritable bowel - it yells at you inappropriately.
14. Bladder hesitancy, i.e. you are unable to pee for 4 hours after drinking 5 litres of fluid.
15. Unexplained milk production and you are a man.
16. Inability to spell libido, i.e. labbeeto.
17. Sinusitis that fills both nasal passages and leaves mucous pockets in your ears, making you sound like Truman Capote.
18.Neck stiffness that leaves you feeling like you should be onstage with Christopher Reeve on Oprah (God bless you, Chris!).
19. Cramps that make your foot look like your hand.
20. Facial twitches that make the person you're talking to think you are winking at someone behind him.
21. Thumb twitching that arrests traffic when a car stops to take you (the hitchhiker) where you want to go.
22. Arm twitching that causes you to drop your groceries that end up being someone else's groceries.
~~I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
~~I've added more variety into my life, I just added multiple vitamins and minerals
~~I'm the only one in the family that knows how many cracks are in the ceiling
~~I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom
~~Do I have brain fog? I don't remember. But, I'm happy, I think.
MEMORY
My forgetters getting better But my rememberer is broke. To you that may seem funny, but to me that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetters getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE LYME WHEN:
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
Everything hurts; but you don't know when or where it will hurt.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
When on your birthday you a receive a birthday card that reads as follows:
"It's your birthday" - "and I know a little something that I could hook you up with!" "A Life Support Machine."
You get exhausted just waking up.
Your children can do math better than you.
People call at 7 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions [for once you don't have brain fog].
You look forward to your IV infusion of abx [or oral abx].
You turn down the lights because of photosensitivity rather than romance.
You sit in a rocking chair and get motion sickness. But the rocking chair isn't moving.
You have a compass attached to your necklace.
You get motion sickness when you drive. Forget about trying to be the passenger!
You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM or 1 AM or 6 AM depending on your internal clock's daily computations. Everyday is different.
You put the margarine in the toaster oven and try to butter your bread.
You put the margarine in the cupboard, the knife in the refrigerator, and the toast in the sink. Then you walk around in circles trying to find the toast.
You get exercise by going to the bathroom 10 or more times a day.
One shelf of the refrigerator is filled with abx.
You can't remember how to turn the shower off.
You can't figure out how to get the key out of the ignition [you forgot about the little black button you push in].
You can't find your way home and you only took a walk around the block.
When your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.
When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
There are three signs of Lyme Disease. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
The only part of your body that gets a "workout" are your thumbs - from clicking on that remote all day.
When your idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
You know you have Lyme when you stop to think and forget to start again
When you wake up screaming and stressed - then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
When you're meandering to a different drummer.
When your day was a total waste of makeup.
When someone says to you: You look like heck. Is that the style now?
When you think to yourself: "This ain't no party...this ain't no disco..."
When all the pharmacists and lab workers in town know you on a first name basis.
--------------------
Three ladies with Lyme were discussing the problems of living with the disease. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded,
" Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood." as she rapped her knuckles on the table...then said,"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Lymies on the Road
A group of lymies were exchanging notes about their symptoms. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this glass of water." "Yes, I know. My blurry vision is so bad I can't see to even pour a drink of water." "I can't turn my head because of this awful neck pain."
"I don't know if I'm coming or going with all this brain fog and dizziness." "I guess that's just a day in the life of a lymie." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
If you have burning sensations with Lyme, should you call the Fire Department?
As a Lymie was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-15. Please be careful."
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two lyme-stricken women were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, one of the women turns to the other and says,...." Please don't be angry with me,, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name ? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "
The second lyme-stricken gal, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally, with tearful eyes, says....How soon do you have to know ?"
If an invasion of deer ticks in a rural area caused that locality to have to hire an additional forestry person to deal with the problem, plus an additional public health person to deal with the resultant Lyme Disease outbreak, and as a result of the additional expenditure on personnel the locality was forced to levy new taxes on its populace to cover the cost, would that new charge be considered a tick-tax?
What's this string on my finger for?
Two lymies were out driving in a car. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to seewhat was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving? -----------------------------------------------------------
Your secrets are safe with me....I can't remember a darn thing
"Genuine Lymie," Been there, done that, can't remember!
I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.
Two lymie couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
What's a lymie's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting their legs so they can vacuum. (felt we could identify with this!)
A scientist had a frog. He decided to study the little guy. So he says "Jump frog, Jump" and the frog jumped 8 feet. So he noted in his journal that a frog with 4 legs jumps 8 feet.
Then he cut off one leg and said "Jump Frog, Jump". The frog then jumped 6 feet and he made the req'd notation.
After cutting off the 2nd leg and saying Jump, jump,..the frog only jumped 4 feet..and the scientist so noted.
He then cut of the third leg and told the frog to jump...he jumped 2 feet..and the scientist noted in his book that a frog with only one leg jumps 2 feet.
Finally, he cut off the last leg and said "Jump Frog, Jump" but alas the frog jumped nowhere.
The scientist opened his book and noted "after cutting off all legs, the frog becomes totally deaf". -------------------------------------------------------
"Lymie Blues"
To the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey" (author unknown)
I'm feeling so dizzy My headache's so strong My body is aching Please tell me what's wrong
Got pains in my muscles And I'm numb all around So I went to my doctor And here's what he found
He says it could be Lupus Or maybe MS Do you know what he settles on? I bet you can guess
He says I need counseling That I'm going berserk But I don't believe that I just think he's a jerk!
I see lots of doctors And get sicker with time Until I find out that I really have Lyme!
So twenty-eight days pass Of life on IV And if I'm not well yet Then I must be crazy!
But we are still sick now And it's hard to get well Those spirochetes are clever Or couldn't you tell?
So I chat with my "lymies" And stay on my drugs I just keep on fighting And stay away from those BUGS!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
3 Ladies from Minnesota
This is a detective story....So Pay Close Attention!!!
Three ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of Into the ball park.
The game is very exciting And they enjoy themselves immensely... Mixing Jack Daniel's with their soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost empty and the game still has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Now think! Think some more!!
You're gonna love this....
Answer:
It's the bottom of the fifth, and the Bags are loaded!
****************************
this is a beautiful EAGLE video and wonderful song sung!! **************************************************
This is the most beautiful advice I have ever received in an email ....
An Angel says,
'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.'
1. Pray 2. Go to bed on time. 3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others. 6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.) 8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line. 17 Get enough rest 18. Eat right. 19 Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone. 23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people. 25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus .'
27. Laugh. 28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most). 32. Sit on your ego 33 Talk less; listen more. 34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe
36 Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.
'If God is for us, who can be against us?' (Romans8:31)
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.. 'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?' 'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.. ' I've been divorced three times.' ----------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ----------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said. 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately. ----------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ---------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ----------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!' ----------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.. Looking up, he asks the Lord....
'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord replies, 'In a minute.' ----------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she goes with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?' ----------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
Posted by Kreynolds (Member # 15117) on :
HAHA!! LMAO! Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey .. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
````` Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa ****************
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
****** Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinny
**********
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
****** Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That was the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinny
Posted by Kreynolds (Member # 15117) on :
Thats a good one bettyg! I'll have to save that!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
these 1st two are serious but good!!
Quilt of Holes
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.
Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes.
Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life.
I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares.
Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune.
I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth.
The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been.
My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.
My gaze dropped to the ground in shame.
I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter.
But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it.
I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again.
I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life.
I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.
I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.
An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.
Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me.
Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes.
He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.
Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'
May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!
God determines who walks into your life ..it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'
When there is nothing left but God that is when you find out that God is all you need.
All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.
Father, bless all my friends in whatever it is that you know they may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.
Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people.
Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.
Hi all, This is the best thing you will see today.
I hope you watch this incredible video.....and you will no doubt have tears in your eyes for the sacrifices that the brave men and women from our armed forces make every single day so that we all can enjoy the life and freedom that we do.
We already knew that General Petraeus was a miracle worker
-- but evidently we didn't know the extent of it.
This is a story of the courage of one amazing soldier from New Jersey. Forward this to a vet or friend that you love.
Currahee - "Stand Alone"
(please wait for the commercial to play, and the video will follow)
A cowboy rode into a Texas town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink and went back outside, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse ?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Iowa! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Iowa!"
Some of the locals shifted uneasily.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He mounted up and started to ride out of town, but the bartender stepped out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Iowa?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
************* you've got to watch this if you were a western tv freak like i was & still AM today!! nice tribute to all who lives then. shows their names ... birth/death years
Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Tamarack decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. Uff-dah! **********************************
Subject: Chili Cook-Off
The Great San Antonio Chili Cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.
I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank : "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event: *****************************************************
CHILI # 1 -
MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy. *****************************************************
CHILI # 2 -
AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach o f children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. *****************************************************
CHILI # 3 -
FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting buzzed from all of the beer. ***************************************************** & gt; CHILI # 4 -
BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer-maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac? *****************************************************
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really makes me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks. *****************************************************
CHILI # 6 -
VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now; a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. *****************************************************
CHILI # 7 -
SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out my mouth.
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. *****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
**************************
a 10 minute tribute to BOB HOPE & HIS USO TOUR ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAMS!! must view )
WATCH THIS 4 YR. OLD BOY DANCE W/PARENTS!! i hope the below might get you there!! fantastic
ucwdc2007b.wmv (5610KB)
********************************
marlene, thanks so much for sending this to me. NO, i had never seen this before, and it was so touching!! what an intl. cat & 86,000 links about him!! wow.
again, thanks for thinking about me & sending this. bettyg, iowa lyme activist
Hi Betty
I read the book and look forward to the movie.
Thought you, as an Iowan would enjoy if you haven't already seen.
The Daffodil Principle! Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead "I will come next Tuesday", I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.
Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.
"Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!"
My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother."
"Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her.
"But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this."
"Carolyn," I said sternly, "Please turn around." "It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."
After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, "Daffodil Garden." We got out of the car, each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path.
Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.
It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes.
The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow.
Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.
"Who did this?" I asked Carolyn. "Just one woman," Carolyn answered.
"She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.
On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking", was the headline.
The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read.
The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain."
The third answer was, "Began in 1958."
For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop.
Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived.
One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration.
The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one baby-step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time.
When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things.
We can change the world ...
"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn.
"What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years?
Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"
My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said.
She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"
Use the Daffodil Principle.
Stop waiting.....
Until your car or home is paid off Until you get a new car or home Until your kids leave the house Until you go back to school Until you finish school Until you clean the house Until you organize the garage Until you clean off your desk Until you lose 10 lbs. Until you gain 10 lbs. Until you get married Until you get a divorce Until you have kids Until the kids go to school Until you retire Until summer Until spring Until winter Until fall Until you die...
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and, Dance like no one's watching.
Wishing you a beautiful, daffodil day!
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous
photos of this place were out of this world!! betty
**************
Posted by DeafFromLyme (Member # 18795) on :
Why parents drink - this is brilliant
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice..
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME . '
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
bserious; REMARKABLE; must read and then view ... talk about INSPIRATION!!
did they let their handicaps take away something that SHE loved to do ... dance? no; choreography unbelievable !!! enjoy xox
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A cowboy rode into a Texas town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink and went back outside, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse ?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Iowa! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Iowa!"
Some of the locals shifted uneasily.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He mounted up and started to ride out of town, but the bartender stepped out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Iowa?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." ************************
Those old Westerns Hero's **********************************
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports ..
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES....
******************* DAILY SURVIVAL KIT
I am giving you a DAILY SURVIVAL KIT, to help you through 2009:
Toothpick- to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.
Rubber band- to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but they can be worked out.
Band-Aid- to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
Eraser - to remind you everyone makes mistakes, but that's okay because we learn by our errors..
Candy Kiss- to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment every day.
Mint- to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.
Bubble Gum- to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings every day.
Tea Bag- to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings.
This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day, so I'm wishing you days of love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, warm feelings in your heart, and soaring with the eagles. ************************
The Price of Children
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family. Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
(or music/dance lessons etc).
But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:
* $8,896.66 a year, * $741.38 a month, * $171.08 a week. * A mere $24.24 a day! * Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is: don't have children if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140.00?
* Naming rights . First, middle, and last! * Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night. * More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. * Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold usually covered with jelly or chocolate. * A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites. * Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the
boss said or how your stocks performed that day. For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
* finger-paint, * carve pumpkins, * play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, * never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, * watch Saturday morning cartoons, * go to Disney movies, and * wish on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, * taking the training wheels off a bike, * removing a splinter, * filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and *coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
* First step, * First word, * First bra, * First date, * First time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you - love without counting the cost.
That is quite a deal for the price!!
Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren & great-grandchildren!! It's the best investment you'll ever make!! ************
oh how i wish this had a direct link where you can see this yourselves!!
type in biblical temple if it doesn't work, try something else; these photos of his MINUTE work are just to great to NOT see!! a real labor of love. betty
A retired farmer has spent more than 30 years building an enormous scale model of a Biblical temple..
Alec Gerrard has spent 30 years constructing the ancient Herod's Temple
In Pictures: Model of Herod's Temple
All Pictures by: Geoff Robinson Photography
Now, here's a model of biblical proportions. A retired farmer has spent more than 30 years building an enormous scale model of Herod's temple - and it is still not finished.
Alec Garrard, 78, has dedicated a massive 33,000 hours to constructing the ancient temple, which measures a whopping 20ft by 12ft
The pensioner has hand-baked and painted every clay brick and tile and even sculpted 4,000 tiny human figures to populate the courtyards **********************
But Mr Garrard, who started the epic project in his 40s, says his masterpiece will not be finished in his lifetime
"I have an interest in buildings and religion so I thought maybe I could combine the two and I came up with the idea of doing the temple"
"I'd seen one or two examples of it in Biblical exhibitions, but I thought they were rubbish and I knew I could do better"
"I have also sculpted and painted 4,000 figures, measuring just half an inch and all wearing their correct costumes" *****************************************************
"Each one takes about three hours to make and there are 32 versions of Jesus, although no one can ever spot him no matter how religious they are"
Visitors come from all over the world to see the model and Mr Garrard provides binoculars so they can see all the details
"I personally know all the top archaeologists from Jerusalem and I've had experts from the British Museum visit," he says
But he chases the money-changers out of the temple: "I've had a lot of offers from people to buy it, but it's not for sale"
He says his wife Kathleen thinks he is mad He adds: "She wishes she'd married a normal person"
Norfolk , spent more than three years researching the temple, which was destroyed by the Romans 2,000 years ago and deemed to be one of the most remarkable buildings of ancient times
He then started to construct the amazing 1:100 scale model, which is now housed in a huge building in his back garden
"Everything is made by hand. I cut plywood frames for the walls and buildings and all the clay bricks and tiles were baked in the oven then stuck together," he says
Built in 19BC by King Herod the Great, the temple was flattened in AD70, just six years after completion
In its heyday the temple complex covered 36 acres - four times the area of Windsor Castle
The Temple was probably located on the site of what today is the Dome of the Rock
**
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love ofGod!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
********************
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
* * *
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
* * *
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
* * *
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
* * *
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently.
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
* * *
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
* * *
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'
Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
* * *
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's here.
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart..
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
American Medical Association researchers have found that
Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better!!!
Just thought you'd like to know. lol Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
"The Obedient Wife"
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the after life with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?
" I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
*****************************************
Vacationing Near Transylvania
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty Were vacationing in Europe, As it happens, near Transylvania.
They were driving in a rental car Along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes His head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat And sees his wife unconscious. With her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and Begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.
He heads towards the light, Which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, And this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, And my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.
I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, And I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty And carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.
Bob collapses from exhaustion And his own injuries, So Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, Which houses his grand piano.
For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, Almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices The fingers on Betty's hand twitch, Keeping time to the haunting piano music.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, Marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, He dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" *****************************************************
(I am so sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming!!!)
Good song..................... lol
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
New Alphabet A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H . high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I . for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L 's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping 26 doctors fully employed !!!
Matt. 18:4-5 "Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And who ever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. "
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed Him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!" Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
Smile, it gives your face something to do!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Acts 2:38
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
**********************
Whooooo Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee You gotta watch this...lol...............watch it all now... GERIATRIC DIRTY DANCING....
Terrifying view from glass box balcony jutting out!
Check out Don't look down: Terrifying view from glass box balcony jutting out
**********************************
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddish.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
these people perform every year at our IOWA STATE FAIR drawing the largest crowds each time! play it again, so synchronized and these are the OLD-FASHIONED WHEELS TO DRIVE WITH !! lol
bettyg, iowa lyme activist Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Tequila and Salt
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2.. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received.. Forget about the rude remarks.
And always remember... when life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!
Good friends are like stars......... You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.
"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Failures keeps You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going
************************************ The Half-Wit ...
A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio . The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to......the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer. ********************************************
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Terrifying view from glass box balcony jutting out!
Check out Don't look down: Terrifying view from glass box balcony jutting out
Click here: Don't look down: Terrifying view from glass box balcony jutting out from skyscraper's 103rd floor | Mail Online
[ 07-31-2009, 04:10 AM: Message edited by: bettyg ]
Posted by toby67 (Member # 17143) on :
the best part of being a lyme brain? my hubby and i sit in bed everynight and he reads these to me and i laugh like its the first time!! Thanks all you guys!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
toby and husband,
so glad you are enjoying my efforts of sharing JOY & LAUGHTER when we need it most
hugs/kisses back ...
Posted by Meg (Member # 22) on :
Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Posted by Meg (Member # 22) on :
101 Ways To Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
156. Get numbers out of order.
204. Be silent, then ask people what they think of what you just said.
5. Repeat numbers.
204. Pay for an expensive item with pennies, and have to count them again.
899. Answer others as they chat on their cell phones next to you. Works best if you are in the bathroom stall next to theirs.
423. Audibly repeat people's last three spoken words.
197. When people ask you for your phone number, ask them if they'll give it back.
688. Climb any hills backwards and tell people you like to see where you've been.
77. .sdrawkcab epyT
303. Lie down in places with daily hours and announce that you're going to levitate in X hours from now (well after closing time).
88a. Dance along at the ballet.
202. When boarding the train, always announce you're going to a further extension than that line allows for, and then express surprise when the operator tells you they don't go there.
512. Bark like a dog when walking down the street.
400. When writing, put an asterisk after innocuous words, like "the"*.
26. When explaining Lyme disease to someone, explain it's kinda like being infected with lemons, but a little more twisted.
* As opposed to "thu".
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio . The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to......the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
*************************
MAD WIFE DISEASE
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
*****************************************
I kid you not.....
New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE *******************
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
couple of serious ones, but enjoyable! betty
RECALL NOTICE:
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction 2. Foul vocal emissions 3. Amnesia of origin 4. Lack of peace and joy 5. Selfish or violent behavior 6. Depression or confusion in the mental component 7. Fearfulness 8. Idolatry 9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love 2. Joy 3. Peace 4. Patience 5. Kindness&nb sp; 6. Goodness 7. Faithfulness 8. Gentleness 9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING:
Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER:
The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
- GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'.
********************************
let him visit you this afternoon.
i had an unexpected visitor this morning. he arrived early, sat down with me and chatted
for a while about how things were currently going for me in my life.
after very carefully and compassionately listening to all that i had to say, he saw the stress on my face and the tears in my eyes. he stood up, walked over to me, leaned over and gentley held me for awhile because i was having a really bad morning.
then, after reassuring me not to worry, that everything would work out for me and be just fine, he asked me if i knew of anyone else that could use a visit from him.
i immediately thought of you my friend. i gave him your name and told him where you lived. he gave me another reassuring hug, thanked me and i walked with him to my front door. he told me that he was on his way to your place.
RECALL NOTICE: The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include: 1. Loss of direction 2. Foul vocal emissions 3. Amnesia of origin 4. Lack of peace and joy 5. Selfish or violent behavior 6. Depression or confusion in the mental component 7. Fearfulness 8. Idolatry 9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with: 1. Love 2. Joy 3. Peace 4. Patience 5. Kindness&nb sp; 6. Goodness 7. Faithfulness 8. Gentleness 9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
- GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'.
********************************
let him visit you this afternoon.
i had an unexpected visitor this morning. he arrived early, sat down with me and chatted
for a while about how things were currently going for me in my life.
after very carefully and compassionately listening to all that i had to say, he saw the stress on my face and the tears in my eyes. he stood up, walked over to me, leaned over and gentley held me for awhile because i was having a really bad morning.
then, after reassuring me not to worry, that everything would work out for me and be just fine, he asked me if i knew of anyone else that could use a visit from him.
i immediately thought of you my friend. i gave him your name and told him where you lived. he gave me another reassuring hug, thanked me and i walked with him to my front door. he told me that he was on his way to your place.
When He gets to your PC, escort Him to the next stop. Please don't allow Him to sleep on your PC.
the message He is carrying is very important and needs to go around. I asked him to bless you and yours with peace, happiness and abundance.
Say a prayer, and then pass Him on to bless others as I sent him on to bless you.
Our assignment is to spread love, respect and kindness throughout the world.
Have a blessed day and touch somebody's life today as hopefully I have touched your life. He's walking around the world via e-mail!! Please pass it on so He can get there....
When you forward this on please put where He left from in the subject box as I did.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.
As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself; I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio.
I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old..
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.
And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?
But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.
A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face..
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!
************************
May the Lord Bless and Keep You!!!
Subject: : COURT ORDER
You are accused of crawling into my HEART and hijacking my SMILES with your sweetness.
HOW DO YOU PLEAD? GUILTY !!!!
YOU are sentenced TO BE MY FRIEND FOR LIFE !!!
NO BAIL......
***************************
Poorly selected company web sites!!
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear! These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
i do not know if copying this power point will work or NOT but trying; it's beautiful
LEARN_TO_LIVE.pps (3040KB)
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
believe this is true!
Concentrate on this Sentence
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.
There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters, Who never did, Who won't anymore... And who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password.
Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S.....
His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied
***PASSWORD INVALID...NOT LONG ENOUGH*** ********************************************
NOW A SERIOUS ONE .....
Drink, Steal, Swear and Lie
I met this guy while I was in Brisbane and he has a motto he lives by everyday.
He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules : Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.
I was shaking my head 'no', but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules. So here they are :
1.. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.
2.. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.
3.. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than yesterday.
4.. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night thank God you're alive and have faith.
I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!
~~unknown
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
Here's to US!!!! No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME !!!!
OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF !!!!
To Those of Us Born 1930 - 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.. If you don't read anything else, please read what he said. Very well stated, Mr. Leno.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered
with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. We were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all..
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ? ~ The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
This is a real "Oh No" moment
His request approved, the TV News photographer quickly Used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at The airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up Outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed The Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and Took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the Pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can Take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for TV Cable News,' he Responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . .. You're NOT My Flight Instructor? *************************************
Army-Navy Half Time Show
AMAZING * Lasts 7-8 minutes.
i turn off music; and just watch in disbelief! bettyg, iowa lyme activist
Halftime show at this years Army-Navy basketball Game - Only the young could do this.
click below Or cut and paste in your browser. JumpRopeDance
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, ``Glory be, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.''``
**********************
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
Halftime show at this years Army-Navy basketball Game - Only the young could do this.
up for several of our members HOMEBOUND and need humor and music in their lives .... ENJOY! hugs/kisses
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
a nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to chicago .
she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'i'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'
she went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to chicago ..'
the nun sat back down. she told herself that the machine probablygives the same card to everyone. the more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read:
'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.'
the nun says to herself, 'i know that is wrong, i have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down.
from out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between
them. without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. .
surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, i've got to try this again.'
back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out.. it read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs , you are going to chicago and you are going to break wind.'
now she knows the machine is wrong ,as she thought to herself, 'i've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.'
but getting down off the machine she slipped,and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.. absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.
she said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable. i've got to try this again.'she went back to the machine,put in another nickel and another card came out.
it read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to chicago '.
****************************
visualize the pictures in your head as you read this one ...
A giant farm dog and a tiny piglet cuddle up as if they were family after the baby runt was dismissed by its own mother.
Surrogate mum Katjinga, an eight-year-old Rhodesian Ridgeback, took on motherly duties for grunter Paulinchen - a tiny pot-bellied pig - and seems to be taking the adoption in her stride.
Lonely Paulinchen was luckily discovered moments from death and placed in the care of the dog who gladly accepted it as one of her own. Thankfully for the two-week old mini porker, Katjinga fell in love with her at first sight and saved her bacon.
Motherly love: Baby piglet feeds on its new surrogate mum
And the unlikely relationship has made the wrinkly piggy a genuine sausage dog. In these adorable images Paulinchen can even be seen trying to suckle from her gigantic new mum.
The two animals live together on a huge 20-acre farm in Hoerstel , Germany , where Katjinga's owners Roland Adam, 54, and his wife Edit, 44, a bank worker, keep a pair of breeding Vietnamese pigs.
Nose place like home: The baby piglet nuzzles up to its new mum
Property developer Roland found the weak and struggling piglet after she was abandoned by the rest of her family one evening after she was born..
He said: "The pigs run wild on our land and the sow had given birth to a litter of five in our forest.
"I found Paulinchen all alone and when I lifted her up she was really cold.
Feeding time: Piglet's new canine mother has no problem providing milk for the youngster
"I felt sure some local foxes would have taken the little pig that very night so I took it into my house and gave her to Katjinga.
"She had just finished with a litter of her own, who are now 10 months, so I thought there was a chance she might take on the duties of looking after her.
"Katjinga is the best mother you can imagine. She immediately fell in love with the piggy. Straight away she started to clean it like it was one of her own puppies.
"Days later she started lactating again and giving milk for the piggy. She obviously regards it now as her own baby."
Mum of the year? Quite possibly.
Doting: Caring pooch checks up on her new addition
********************
Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a Memphis department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.
**********************************
Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password.
Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S.....
His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied
***PASSWORD INVALID...
NOT LONG ENOUGH*** ********************************************
NOW A SERIOUS ONE .....
Drink, Steal, Swear and Lie
I met this guy while I was in Brisbane and he has a motto he lives by everyday.
He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules : Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.
I was shaking my head 'no', but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules. So here they are :
1.. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.
2.. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.
3.. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than yesterday.
4.. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night thank God you're alive and have faith.
I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, ``Glory be, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.''``
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I don't do windows because ...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)
I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because . I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous
I don't pull weeds in the garden because .. I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!
I don't put things away because . My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because . I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them When they say "Permanent Press".
I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
REMEMBER . . . . Please share this humor with other important friends!
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Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement .
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!! )
And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[kiss]](graemlins/kissing.gif)
![[lol]](graemlins/lol.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[shake]](graemlins/shake.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[woohoo]](graemlins/woohoo.gif)
![[spinning smile]](graemlins/spinsmile.gif)
Thanks Lymetoo and everybody else!
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[toilet]](graemlins/toilet.gif)
![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked way. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. ![[confused]](graemlins/confused.gif)
![[lick]](graemlins/facelick.gif)
NOT! ![[bonk]](graemlins/bonk.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
(no we don't)![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[hi]](graemlins/hi.gif)
![[dizzy]](graemlins/dizzy.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)