I am so sad tonight. I really try not get upset about my situation and try really hard to see the good in it, but tonight I have been crying for hours.
I woke up this morning with my face completely broken out, my body aching, and the realization that I have gained 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Feeling fat and ugly and running late I left for the last day of my 40 hour work week.
Maybe it's vain, but me being sick on the inside is easier to deal with because no one can see it. But feeling fat with my face looking like a disease has attacked it, and oh my vision suddenly going-not sure what that's about- I am feeling quite discouraged today.
I was suposed to meet my mom for dinner in the city with my brother-kinda of a goodbye/birthday dinner for my brother and I completely broke down and just started crying and said I wasn't going.
I know if I tell them they'll just think I'm being stupid-but I really feel this way.
I got home from work at 6 and was expected to just magically be ready to go out in public in one hour. Who can get ready in an hour. So now they are mad at me for not going.
I am so tired and so upset with myself for not going, but I don't look good enough to go.
Does ne one else ever feel this way or have I completely lost it.
Lindsay
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Sounds rough, Lindsay! Do you have any idea what caused you to gain so much in such a short time?? I'm wondering if it's yeast already from your abx treatment???
Are you eating low-carb so as to avoid that??
Does your family understand that you are ill....really ill??
I know sometimes family just doesn't understand. And we can't "make them" get it!
I don't remember how long you've been in treatment or how long you've been ill. I do hope you are able to adjust to all the changes soon.
That is sometimes the hardest part!! Thankfully, I didn't have to work when I was going thru treatment. I was already disabled.
Please go easy on yourself and do something special for yourself this weekend.
How about a warm bath tonight?? HUGS!!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
any chance the 10 lbs. is fluid on your lungs? dad has this constatnly.
are you in late teens/early 20s? Posted by CaliforniaLyme (Member # 7136) on :
Hey Lindsay!!!
Been there, maybe not RIGHT there, but there. BABESIOSIS affected my thyroid and gave me massive facial swelling at one point (reason my husband said he was not attracted to me once I got Lymed) where above my eyes and below would puff out 2+ inches. I looked like a monster to myself but really I just looked like someone with a massively messed up thyroid! ANd then I was no longer walking or exercising because... I couldn't WALK! And I had ALWAYS been someone who was FIT and PETITE and frankly, perfect in a California girl kind of way, (and a vain nasty (*!^! about it although I didn't *know* that, I thought you had to be awful lazy to be fat, I know I know, I know NOW what an idiot I was) and there I was, pounds overweight, swollen face, and my husband telling me, may he remain an ex husband forever thank goodness, "You're ugly since you got Lymed." Yes, during the divorce he apologized for telling me that ALL THE TIME but it did one hell of a number on my self-esteem.
And you know what?
When my face was swollen teenage boys, the same ones who would flush and stammer to help me at checkout counters before, would SNEER at me because I was exactly what my husband said I was to them- ugly. ANd for me, I needed that, to a certain extent, to learn what a vain awful person I had been before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And to learn what the world was like for not perfect people!!!
You sound like you are already a nice person and don't need any spiritual martyrdom!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I know how it is to just look in the mirror and see a monster.
For me, I had my little girl who still said MAMA the same way. She was the only one who didn't look at me differently when my face got swollen...
WHat I did to help me through this time:
a. look on it as a spiritual exercise (you seem billions of times nicer than I was, but you can still approach it in this spirit) to disregard the physical
b. yup, just like you, cry and freak out and cry!! you should. it is healthy to release what you are feeling and you sound like you are feeling appropriate feelinsg about it!!!!!!!!! it SUCKS to not look the way you want to look!!! and to be too sick to be able to change anything!
c. tried to be grateful it was not worse!!!!!!! Played that old Cat Stevens song in my head, "if I ever lose my legs... lose my blank, lose my can't remember the words..." "if I ever lose my blank, I won't have to wlak no more..." It did help a little.
Sincerely, Sarah
Posted by Nebula2005 (Member # 8244) on :
Yes indeedie it's not bad enough that a person has to feel like crap, but ya have to look like it, too.
My eyes get so puffy and bloodshot that I look like I've been smokin' weed and hungover from too much cheap beer. To think I used to make myself look like this by choice is sorta ironic.
I have alligator skin and sores on my upper arms and spots on my swollen lower legs. I live in a hot place and I have to wear long pants and long sleeve shirts all year. Yuck. Luckily I don't sweat much.
And my hair! I stay home some days just because it's such a disaster.
Thanks a lot, Sarah! Here I've been telling myself I'm just hyper critical, when actually I probably do look like a freak to other people, too! haha--I've always been sort of funny looking. But my MOMMY told me I was smart.
I used to be an exercise junkie, now I'm proud of myself if I get the laundry done.
Lindsay, the fact that you can still get to work is an amazing thing. Keeping up with a job is tiring for well people, too, by Friday night especially.
I don't blame you for getting upset. It's so hard sometimes to even face having to do seemingly easy or fun things.
They'll get over it. You'll get better. It'll all be okay.
Posted by kelmo (Member # 8797) on :
My daughter gained 80 pounds in three months!! She was in high school, used to be the 98 pound petite thing...now kids were saying she was pregenant.
There are so many areas that affect this problem. Thyroid is affected by the disease. Some people can't keep it on, some can't get it off.
My daughter uses a good bio-identical progesterone cream, and that has helped with the acne, hair mess, and other endocrine problems. When her hair starts to get oily, she ups the dose. She applies 40mg daily to her skin, two weeks of the month. PM me if you need information.
Medication: she was on a couple of medications that would give her hypnotic hungries at night. Even when she ate healthy, she would go through two heads of lettuce to make salads or twelve oranges. She decreased it and is in transition to get off...but it's very hard on her right now. Now I have to encourage her to eat. She is staying on a yeast/sugar free diet.
With treatment: As she got further into antibiotic treatment, she lost her appetite, and the thyroid problems started to level out. Also, the bugs were leaving areas causing the problem.
She has lost 20 pounds since October. Her face isn't as puffy; but with Bartonella, it really goes for the lymph glands under the chin, so sometimes that will flare up.
Detox: Your skin is your third kidney. Stay away from lotions with petrolatum and mineral oil. It's like wrapping in plastic. Sweat, and allow the toxins to come through the pores. It's not an attractive process, but things should clear up.
Take lots of vitamin C and E and flax seed oil. That's good for the skin. Drink at least a gallon of water during the day. With lemon is better.
Foot detox pads have been helpful. Check the link on Scott Forsgren's site...www.betterhealthguy.com
Hope that helps. Kelly
Posted by smiles132002 (Member # 7949) on :
Sarah-unforchunetly, as nice as I am-I can be totally vain and just like every typical California tend to get caught up in the hype.
It's funny actually because I never thought I was pretty. Since I was 12 when I started going through all this (and not diagnoised till 1.5 years ago). My face broke out with this horrid acne very rare and progressive and I had standford dermotology all over it.
But after two separate rounds of accutane-once when I was 12 and once when I was 18-I thought for sure my skin would be great-but honestly at times I seriously think that it's my bodies way of trying to rid toxins....
Ne wayz people that I haven't seen in 4 years or since highschool are shocked when they see me. When I was into a club or bar guys line up to buy me drinks...and to be honest it's quite werid to me..but it showed me how "pretty" people can really get ahead in life.
Even though I gained 10pounds I gain weight everywhere-so to most people they don't notice because my face is a little rounder, arms, legs etc etc...
I guess I was just feeling discouraged because the medication which I believe is causing me to gain the weight is Valtrex. I have to take Valtrex because I break out in hives and it's the only medication that I have taken which makes them go away. My doctor has NO idea why-since I don't have any std's and I've been tested several times-but she just can't figure it out.
It seems to me that I am breaking out in hives for a reason, and my face is breaking out for a reason-the question is WHY?
It's very intresting that my face skin is like a third kidney or was it liver?
I've been in treatment for 1.5 years now. Just started IV Rocephin-I've had kidney stones, gallstones (and moved it in october), toncils removed, appendix removed, chronic back pain, torn acl, etc etc...
Clearly, my body has been trying to tell me for years that something is seriously wrong.
I tried accupuncture to rid the toxins but our accupuncturist moved to africa.
It's very hard to find someone who truely has that gift-anyone can learn but alternative medcine to be truely effective i believe has to come from some who is gifted in that sense.
By the way to whomever asked, I am 22 years old. This message is quite scattered because i guess lyme does that? or maybe so many things running through my head that I am just writting them all down before I forget.
ne wayz please add ur thoughts this has helped me so much-
Sarah, I am so sorry you have gone through so much more than I and my heart goes out to you. People can be so cruel, which perhaps is why I was so sad on friday because I feared what I have seen happen to other people.
-Lindsay
Posted by Cassie (Member # 2106) on :
Hi Linsay, so sorry you are going through such a rough time at such a young age.
Just remember you have alot of friends here that understand, we don't care what you look like we love you any way
It is really hard when you can't go out with friends and family.
Take care your friend Cassie Posted by CaliforniaLyme (Member # 7136) on :
No, it is all relative- what YOU are going through is WAY worse because you ARE 22- that is when you SHOULD be carefree & having fun!!!!!!!!!!
Really. I hope you are again soon!!!! I hope your complexion thing gets sorted out for good!!! Complexion things can make one feel monstrous too but you sound so nice and that does show through!!!
There is a French saying, "The pretty can never be beautiful." (except in French*!))*!. (Or maybe it was, "Pretty girls are never beautiful." I forget!) But I remember the meaning- it means the truly beautiful people, the ones who make you just stop and stare, tend to be not those with perfect features at all, but those irregular looking people who have those moments where they just shine brilliantly- and I think it is true.
I bet you will be being beautiful again really soon- and will be even more so because now you know what it is like not to be!!!
Better to be sometimes monstrous and sometimes beautiful than to be merely pretty every day, right>?!*)*!)! (Okay, maybe NOT but ?!>
ANd YES California is a very lookist place*)! Hard to ignore the culture! Sincerely, Sarah
p.s. And the swelling went away for me and I am living happily ever after so far*)!!
[ 22. January 2007, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: CaliforniaLyme ]
Posted by lymeladyinNY (Member # 10235) on :
I know all about feeling bad about my looks. I've never been confident about them in the first place but now that my 40th birthday is next month I'm noticing new wrinkles to add to all the redness, swelling, dark under-eye circles, etc. brought on by Lyme. A recent bad haircut hasn't helped matters, either! Every time I look in the mirror I wonder who that bloated, overweight person is. I have swelling under my chin, too. Sometimes I feel like I could handle the inner illness if it wouldn't show up on the outside so much! I find myself looking in the mirror a lot wishing for a different face/figure. My husband tells me I'm beautiful and he likes me just the way I am - I really appreciate that he tries to help me feel better about myself!
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Here I've been telling myself I'm just hyper critical, when actually I probably do look like a freak to other people, too! haha--I've always been sort of funny looking. But my MOMMY told me I was smart.![[Wink]](wink.gif)