i know this is going to sound so morbid and self-absorbed.
but after being so terribly ill the other night, i lay there thinking "you know i'm only 56. i don't want to live another 20 or 40 or whatever years like this. i wish i could just die and get some sleep, some peace. i wish everybody would just leave me alone. i want my dog. i want to be well. i want someone to believe me, hell, care for me."
i got into a real pity party and want to crawl way back into a cave and not come out.
i don't want to see anybody, talk to anybody. just let me watch my tv, putter around my house, and get the heck out of my face....
dying would bring some kind of peace, any kind.
i see what's happening to my mother and think "i don't ever want that -- EVER."
laying curled up in bed or vomiting on the floor is no life. try to stand up some days and your body just says "no way, i'm outta here" is not a life.
reason to go on? what, who gives a dang? nobody that's who. so what? the dang docs don't care. they get their money and we all know that we're crazy. heck, i have nurses and doctors in my family and they all poo-poo the lyme thing.
i guess it's antidepressant time. no sleep for about a week makes you kind of loopy i guess. well 2-3 hours per night max.
but have you just ever had these thoughts? you get so down and there is no place to go...
there has to be something more -- somebody has to be working on a cure, anything positive.
sorry, i'm out of it......
Posted by sixgoofykids (Member # 11141) on :
Yup, most of us have been there!
Are you seeing an LLMD for treatment? Sorry, I can't keep everyone straight! I've been in treatment for almost 8 months and am doing significantly better.
I think anti-depressants might be a good idea for you ... I took St. John's Wort for quite a while ... don't take it without your LLMD's permission though.
Also, how about sleeping pills? My LLMD prescribed Ambien ... he said it was absolutely necessary to get sleep.
Hang in there, it does get better. Look at the bright side ... this is your low point, it'll only get better from here!
Posted by CaliforniaLyme (Member # 7136) on :
Yup, been there*)!!!!
Now I am so SO glad I didn't give up- life is better than I ever thought it would be- and I never ever dared dream I would get so much health back-
I hope you do!!!! Call me if you need to talk ever- I changed my # becasue I was getting harassing calls (not lyme related) but the new one is in support groups-
Hugs to you- Randibear!!! Sincerely,
Posted by merrygirl (Member # 12041) on :
Hi Randibear. I am sorry you feel so bad. It stinks when you feel like that. When I first got sick a few months ago I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me alive was my children and this website.
So yes I understand where you are coming from and I have "only" been sick 5 months. I went on Zoloft and doubled the dose soon after.
I can say on a scale of 1-10, 10 being suicidal, I am a 3.
I definitely would talk to a doctor and get some meds. It is ok. Please feel free to pm me anytime if you need to vent.
You will be in my thoughts.
Melissa
Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
I have to admit, that even with two young children,
I sometimes feel like that too.
However, I realize, sometimes by running it by my friends here,
That this is just part of this horrible disease and having a chronic illness.
Please hang in there. There are better times ahead.
That is what I tell myself all the time.
It helps me endure.
A good cry helps sometimes too.
Sending you positive thoughts and a hug.
Geneal
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Yes, I have. I only felt that way because of the Lyme, that's for sure. My faith has kept me from doing anything stupid.
Please get some anti-deps and some Ambien if you're not sleeping. Your outlook will be much better!
You WILL come out the other side of the tunnel if you keep focused on your goal.
randi Posted by Cobweb (Member # 10053) on :
Carol here- reporting from the back of her hole in the wall.
I am extremely ambivalent about living or dying.
Evidenced by the feeling sometimes when not feeling well that I would just as soon die, yet-when feeling as if I am close to death-going to ER, and finding out it's "just lyme"
The fact that when push comes to shove -I usually ask for help when I think I am too close to death for comfort.
Besides- I don't want to go out on a low note- I want to go out on a high note-and when I'm on a high note I'd just as soon live.
Take Care, Carol
Posted by disturbedme (Member # 12346) on :
Yes, I feel/think this every other day.
Sometimes I am in such awful agony I think I would be better off gone. And then I think about what the heck I must have done to deserve this kind of illness.
All I can say is hang in there. But believe me, I know that's easier said than done. I'm having a hard time hanging in there as well.
Posted by tdtid (Member # 10276) on :
I too can jump on this bandwagon and say I too have been there. I know without a doubt that if Dr. Kevorkian had lived next door, I would have definitely visited him by now to try to end it all, but yet I never actually attempted anything myself.
But it surely gets bad and you don't know how to keep going or if you want to since what kind of life is this if this is all we have left.
I've been on treatment now for 10 months (Lyme, babs and bart) and I'm FINALLY reaching a point that I'm getting improvement. No, I'm not "cured" or ready to run marathons, but it does get better.
The reversal is gradual so you don't always see it happening over night, but it does get better, so my best advice is to get a LLMD that you trust throughly with a good reputation and believe that it really will start reversing some of the horrid symptoms.
I know I still have a long way to go but I've also come a long way since the times I couldn't walk, talk without slurring and had a tremble on one side of my body and numb on the other. They felt sure it was a stroke but five years of misdiagnosis's did get me a lyme positive test and you just need to try to stick with it.
At the time you are going through it, you surely don't want to listen to "it will get better", but if you can just hang in there, I was one of the biggest skeptics, but didn't like the alternative of doing nothing or seeing "Dr. Kevorkian"...with all I know now. Stick with it and it will pay off in the end.
Cathy
Posted by Cassie (Member # 2106) on :
Randibear, Yes, I think a lot of felt that way at one point.
My heart goes out to you. Try and take it one day and step at a time.
Take care your friend Cassie Posted by just don (Member # 1129) on :
I forget too!!
Are you on good LLMD care?? OR a so-so duck of choice??
What meds are you on,,,some of them can have sleep and depression side effects???
For me even a salt pill makes me sleep harder and longer.
You just HAVE to find what works for YOU!!! Trial and error,,,no other way!!
Even supplements like calcium and magnesium can affect sleep. try taking some at bed time!!
SEE what works, report back, let us know so we can "HELP" you in right direction MAYBE!!
I also see alot of STRESS in your life,,,which cant be GOOD!!
I am sure more sleep and less pain would help your stress levels also!!
Whats a SURE knock out punch for you sleeping wise without a two ton hangover the next day??? still--just don--
Posted by Ellie K (Member # 12056) on :
Oh Randibear,
My heart goes out to you.
That kind of despair is an awful pleace to be.
I was feeling like that only a few weeks ago. Death had never seemed so attractive as it did then.
But then I started a new treatment and it gave me so much more hope.
I know Lyme treatment can seem hopeless and unending--
You will get better. This pain is temporary.
It is tired advice: but you really do need to take this one day at a time, one hour at a time, even just one moment at a time.
When you come out of this, you will have such a fierce soul, ready to handle anything.
Please don't stop fighting to find something that works for you: whether it be pain meds, better detox method, therapy, antidepressants, a gentler antibiotic, any kind of relief.
You are in my thoughts.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
quote:Originally posted by disturbedme: And then I think about what the heck I must have done to deserve this kind of illness.
disturbedme! You've disturbed me!!! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING, NOTHING TO "DESERVE" THIS ILLNESS!!
IT IS not A PUNISHMENT!!!!
God loves you and wants you to be well!
Posted by LisaS (Member # 10581) on :
Yes feel like this constantly. Almost did something about it last week. Now this week Im so embarrassed about that. Still not feeling well but had a couple good moments with my kids and niece and nephew.
This is just so never ending...this disease. And you never know what youre going to feel like. With the flu you know what to expect, with a cold you know what to expect, with Lyme you cant predict one minute ahead what you will feel. It can be so frustrating.
Let's just hope and pray that all the above posters are right and we will feel better eventually. At least with their posts there is hope.
Posted by lucecaboose (Member # 13058) on :
I am so sick and am just starting out with abx treatment, having recently realized I have Lyme (at least I think I do - my test was negative but I had a bullseye in the 90s). I have so many symptoms: fibro, CNS, musculoskeletal, seizures. In the last 4 months of treatment, I actually developed more symptoms instead of getting better.
I lost my two closest (wonderful - been with me since the beginning) doctors to retirement. My LLMD is not good. My current pain doc will no longer treat me because I won't get injections, and he says that he will go broke simply doing my medication management. He prescribes the two meds that keep me from being bedridden.
I got sick 1.5 years after marrying the most wonderful man in 2001, who had custody of his daughters. I was at the top of my game as a computer analyst when I got sick. They worked with me for awhile, then asked me to go on disability.
They decided not to continue my disability after two years and I am in the middle of that appeal. I am also appealing SSD which comes up in October (two years after being denied the first time). Ever since I went on disability, we have been watching money so carefully. But if I lose either appeal, we are in serious trouble.
I can't be a burden to my family. What is the point of this? How long will this take to feel better? I have some irreparable damage (I can think of all the arthritis and musculoskeletal problems - I have pinched nerves all over my body and my MRIs indicate a mess). How much better will I feel? Will I be able to work again some day? My brain - will I be able to drive somewhere without having to pull over to remember where I am? Will I remember what I did the day before?
Without the pain doc, I will be bedridden and in so much pain. Without disability, I not only cannot get medical help, we will lose our house. My family will lose their house. You see, we built an addition when we got married, so we pay a lot more than my husband did alone. I used to make very good money. But what I get now goes to support my family and to huge medical bills. All of it.
And these are the years when you are supposed to make the most money and can put it away for retirement. Ha!
I can't be a burden to others. I can't lie in bed in pain every day. Who knows if I will ever get to remission? My uncle has Lyme but it affected his brain to the point that he is in a home, and they will not treat him for it there. He doesn't test positive on an ELISA and they won't run other tests. I cannot convince my aunt. She just pretends he doesn't really have it. My uncle thinks that she is his brother.
When I look at the years ahead, I can't imagine living through it. They say money can't buy happiness. It certainly would. Then my family would get what they needed, i could get a pain doc and a lyme doc, i could fund lyme research, i wouldn't have to worry from day to day about how we are going to make it.
I also often wonder if this is my punishment for mean things that I've done to people. I've done nothing out of the ordinary but maybe it's just my turn.
I can't be a burden on my family. Here they are, going along and I come into their lives, only to get sick and drag them down.
I wish that assisted suicide were legal. It should be an individual choice.
(sorry, but I have been feeling very morbid and self-absorbed for awhile now)
Posted by OptiMisTick (Member # 399) on :
[ 24. February 2008, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: OptiMisTick ]
Posted by Cobweb (Member # 10053) on :
Lyme has been the great eraser for me-it has erased my job, my income, my house, my dignity, my purpose, my cohesive family but I'm still here-why?
Because the burden of suicide is a far greater burden to those left behind than any hardship endured while living.
What an incredible lesson you have to teach those around you-perseverence, not giving up , loving those around you enough to hang in there.
Take Care, Carol
Posted by CaliforniaLyme (Member # 7136) on :
Thank you OptisMIstick!! THat is true.
ONe note to MOms and Dads out there- if you ever suicide you increase dramatically the likelihood of your children doing it- that is one reason why suicide runs in families-
I for one am SO so so glad I didn't kill myself because the years I have had since getting better have truly been the happiest years if my life!!! For me it was IV Rocephin which changed eveything- and yes, organic depression- the IV Rocephin not only got rid of my physical stuff but honest to goodness it made my brain happier than it has ever, ever been-
Sometimes it feels like a dream I am so lucky to have been still alive- and NOT in pain-
Pain makes life SO hard-
I never ever believed I would get this quality of life back that I have-
and even when I was fighting for my life at one point I didn't really want it anymore but was hanging in there solely for my kid- because it was so much pain all the time-
and now is such a blessing-
my new number is 1-831-662-2895 if anyone suicidal ever wants to call and hear another Lymie voice-
I know I don't want to add anyone to the memorial pages- the last suicide- her sons are so, so griefstricken- it hurt just to hear them talk-
Posted by jasek (Member # 12395) on :
I also know that feeling, unfortunetly nearly ev day. My neuro symptoms are so bad the depression is overwhelming. I have two dogs and that alone is keeping me here. This disease is breaking my spirit and I won't stay long after my dogs ages 12 & 13 go. I'm going on new treatment I hope it helps, I'm obsesssed with death and tell ev. one I know. No Spirit What is the choice. I believe it is a personal decision that is made by a very unstable mind, there to me It's not a sin. I don't feel rational alot these days.
Posted by sixgoofykids (Member # 11141) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lymetoo:
quote:Originally posted by disturbedme: And then I think about what the heck I must have done to deserve this kind of illness.
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING, NOTHING TO "DESERVE" THIS ILLNESS!!
IT IS not A PUNISHMENT!!!!
God loves you and wants you to be well!
Yes! Suffering is hard to understand, that's for sure ... Christ suffered, too.
Posted by lymemomtooo (Member # 5396) on :
this is always a difficult topic for me..My lymie has made 16 serious attempts. I along with ER docs do not know how she is here except for saving grace of God.
It has been a long and tortured path. I have seen things that no parent should have to see. I will not enumerate so no one gets new ideas but trust me, most of them were scenes that no one would enjoy. I have personally had to be paramedic many times due to slow response time of emergency personnel.
On one trip, I would not relinquish my intervention until trained personnel could take over. Lost a few fire company friends over it but later they apologized and said my version of first aid was what was saving her. I think I have witnessed all but a couple of possible methods.
There is no play book to guide me. I have flown by the seat of my pants and were it not for giving out ideas of new ways to make an attempt, I would try to write a booklet about ways to intervene. But I want you all to know that each time has almost killed me. It has eaten at my very soul and it is a war that we must win.
And there are the times when I wish I were smarter. I was a pe teacher and had the classes that would help me better understand many aspects of this disease but they were at 8am when I am not very sharp.
And I try to second guess all of the medical choices we have made. The misdiagnoses and incorrect treatment protocols. Too many ducks.
Moms are supposed to protect and heal their children and when they can't it is very difficult for us..But I am not sure how I could ever deal with a successful suicide attempt. Life would never be the same for the rest of us. Our family would no longer exist.
But all of you need to know that you have family that counts on you and loves you and would be devastated by your demise. Even if you think you don't. It is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. And I know you may not be getting better and see no way out but that is only short term, in the long journey. Stay well...lymemomtooo
Posted by map1131 (Member # 2022) on :
Randi, I never wished I could die, but I certainly felt like I was going to die, if I didn't find something to help me.
It took me a long time to realize that in order to survive I would have to accept medications. If there's pain=pain meds, if there's imsomnia=sleep meds, if there's depression=take antidepressants.
Once I had these three things under control for the most part, I then was able to focus on different treatments for myself.
It can get better. Remember this illness is a toxin that loves to make you feel and think miserable. Don't let it win.
Pam
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Optimistik...That was inspiring....thanks! Your name says it all.
"Meanwhile DISTRACT DISTRACT DISTRACT. Don't think. Do whatever you can to distract."
That's was I did. It was one reason I was on Lymenet all the time. I focused on trying to help others and just "chat"... It kept me from going nuts.
Now, it's just a "habit."
cave.... Posted by lymednva (Member # 9098) on :
I've been there, more than once. Even my faith didn't stop me...or did it. I always stopped and prayed for help when I was holding a bottle of pills in my hand, sometimes for 30 minutes or longer, tears running down my face.
For me this all happened before I had any type of dx. I was told it was all depression and anxiety. I couldn't sleep, the antidepressants didn't help. I felt there was no hope.
For me getting a Lyme dx brought me hope. Lyme can be treated, and you can get better. That wasn't true for my previous dx's of CFS and FM, among other things.
We didn't do anything to deserve this, it happened, that's all. However, God is always there to help us get through it. All you have to do is ask.
Once I was asked why I stopped and didn't take those pills. At the time I didn't have an answer, but then it came to me, my prayer for help was answered and took me out of the hole long enough to think clearly and be able to get past the moment.
God is great, ALL the time! Just ask! Posted by sixgoofykids (Member # 11141) on :
How are you doing today Randibear?
Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
hi randibear
yes, how are you doing today'?
most of us have been there, felt like we where dying, wanting it to be over with yesterday. Lots of suffering ~ before & during tx too.
you have to trust me on this, it will pass..........
we have long roads but after you find something that works you wil not feel like you want to die.
Just keep saying this..."it will pass"
we are here for you
healing hugs &
prayers that you can feel better real soon dana
Posted by lymemomtooo (Member # 5396) on :
A famous LLPsych once said to me, does your daughter know that an attempt may be counter productive. ie..my daughter always said she was trying to escape the pain and depression and set herself free.
The good Dr said, some attempts go wrong and the patient is then bedridden or institutionalized for life. After one serious attempt that left her in the ICU for 24 hours with us not knowing if she would be somewhat normal again...I made an effort to also explain this possibility to her.
She promised, no more attempts..That lasted until the next one..
Since March we have been blessed with no attemps and less frequent depression. Thank God for a wise llmd and a brain damaged clinic.
There is hope, as Toots says "distract" until the pain/ foggy thoughts resolve.
Good luck..lmt
Posted by Carol in PA (Member # 5338) on :
All of you.....your eloquence and willingness to share just blows me away.
C.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Posted by Ellie K (Member # 12056) on :
Randibear,
I'm worried about you; please write us back as soon as you can. Posted by AZURE WISH (Member # 804) on :
Hi randibear,
I havent been on lymenet for aabout a week I guess and I just saw your post.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Like others said try to remember it is the disease not you.... and the day will come when the horrible feelings will lift.
I think I saw in another post that one of the things you were taking was artemisinin. If you look in other threads you will see that alot of other people treating babs have bouts of depression. (one of the things some people take for it (including me) is artesimisin)
Personally I have found babs herxes to be worse than the lyme ones... and I am sure that you could easily
- Just a thought
Please hang in there. It will get better. Hope you are ok.
![[kiss]](graemlins/kissing.gif)
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[bow]](graemlins/bow.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)