When you get better, how do you go back to hanging out with all the folks who disappeared when you were sick?
Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
hey,
ive been wondering this too recently, as some former friends have been in contact. Part of me still feels some hurt.
I feel kinda awkward making plans.... im not well by no means, but decided I think I need some human interaction again in my life.
I guess you could start out slowly with them.
So much of my friendship circle was around my work...most of those dropped off of course.
Hopefully, others who are well will have some answers.
Posted by Larkspur (Member # 5131) on :
The first time I got sick (almost 5 years ago) and certain people disappeared, I felt like some of my relationships were not the best anyway, because I had Lyme undiagnosed for so long....but in the past few years I felt I had worked on developing more solid relationships and was much more secure in my friendships...
But then I relapsed and the same friggin thing happened again!
I do have wonderful people who have stood by me no matter what and am so thankful for them, but the idea of hanging out at a bar-b-que with certain folks and acting like I feel comfortable with them is beyond me right now...
Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
I don't want to go back.
Maybe that seems like an uncaring, unforgiving attitude,
But I feel a friend is one who always stands by you.
No matter what.
I've made new, wonderful friends (mostly here), but friends that I would do anything for.
I say go forward. Be the friend to others that you want them to be for you.
I've moved forward spiritually and emotionally with this disease.
I trust my instincts much more.
Put out the kind of energy you want to come back to you.
Those are the people you want to be friends with.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
You move!!
I moved to another state one year after retiring on disability. Then 4 yrs later is when I was actually correctly diagnosed!
Yes, just move on .. Geneal is right. We make friends as we go. I am still in contact with people I taught with many years ago.
I WISH they were close by though!! Posted by trish4 (Member # 14156) on :
Well for me, I'm the one whose been pushing my friends away-not because I want to but because I have to and its so hard as I am young and need my friends support and understanding; some of htem, however, cannot understand how I can be so sick. They just dont get it, which I guess is understandable.
Sometimes they get upset or think Im ignoring them when I dissapear for days/weeks at a time without calling but I know that they dont understand how I can be so sick that I cant even talk on the phone-I would probably feel n think the same way if I was in their shoes. How could someone possibly be so sick that they cant pick up a phone?! Unfortunately, Ive learned first hand that it is possible.
Are you in remission now Larkspur? If I were you, I would just take my time creeping back into the social scene slowly until you feel more comfortable.
[ 22. May 2008, 02:04 AM: Message edited by: trish4 ]
Posted by AZURE WISH (Member # 804) on :
I WONT go back... its about going forward for me...
when i get well enough to live again... i will NOT waste my precious time and energy on people who arent worth it.
If i want more people in my life when i am really able to live life, I will find new ones. Posted by Larkspur (Member # 5131) on :
hmmm for me it's more complicated because many of the people in question are "friends" with both my husband and me, or relatives, so they will still be in my life to some extent.
When I first got sick close to 5 years ago, I did leave a lot of people behind and moved on...
I am not completely over my current relapse by any means, but am starting to feel a bit better and thinking about reentering the world of the living...
After going through all this, I don't want anything in my life to be "unauthentic" - including relationships
Today this is bothering me, maybe tomorrow it won't seem like such a big deal....
Just trying to work through hurt feelings...thanks for all the responses Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
....ditto everything that geneal said! outstanding comments!
those who deserted you; they can make the first moves!
you've lived without them this long; IT'S THEIR LOSS! not yours..
family, i would NOT go out of my way; THEY MUST! Posted by laurie sm (Member # 14584) on :
Maybe I am a really forgiving person but I CAN totally understand how some of my friends cannot relate to me anymore.
If one of them had this disease and I didn't-I would never be able to imagine what they were going through.
Some friends are great at just listening and I tell them I cannot possibly expect you to understand how bad I feel.
For those friends who get mad cause I don't call them I just can't worry about them.
I am too consumed with trying to get better...
If I ever get "better" I will be so overjoyed and I know that my "true" friends will still be there...
I have a friend that almost died from cancer of the esophagus about 3 years ago. She is fine now.
She is so understanding because she has had a serious illness. She too has had tremendous pain and suffering.
She knows exactly what to say and is very supportive.
So-we have to accept the "loss" of friends and understand that they just don't know what it is like to walk in our shoes.
My friend just gave herself a 50th birthday party on Sun. She told me she wasn't accepting no for an answer.
She has NO CLUE what I am going through and just doesn't have the ability to.
I politely declined and stayed in bed all day herxing. I haven't even bought her a present or card yet.
I will when I can and I can't worry about her feelings...
I hope this makes sense...
This is why it is so easy for "us" to talk to each other.
We are part of a club that we never wanted to belong to...
Laurie
Posted by Larkspur (Member # 5131) on :
I know deep down that people don't "get it", but I have always been an extremely empathetic person.
Maybe because I have have had Lyme most of my life (mostly undiagnosed). Seriously, since I was a little girl. I'm 38 now..
I don't know, I am the person that always calls people when they are sick or they come to talk to when things go wrong for them.
Before I got sick I worked with people in hospitals and nursing homes - I have never been one to shy away from illness. Since this is just part of who I am, I have trouble understanding when people do this. I want to expect more from people but know I can't. It makes me sad.
Posted by sixgoofykids (Member # 11141) on :
It's one thing to be cordial to someone at a dinner party, it's another thing entirely to call them up and ask them to lunch.
Also, it's one thing to not see some people you used to see during your activities but who you never really spent time with otherwise, it's another thing if you got together with someone one on one regularly and they are snubbing you now.
I think each case with each person has to be looked at differently. The people are the same as the always were, but you have changed. If they were shallow before, they are shallow now, the only difference is you are less shallow and their shallowness has been exposed to you.
Everyone you see socially does not have to be a close friend.
There are people, mainly family, who I will never think the same of. I know now that they just don't care about anyone but themselves. It's not a matter of not forgiving them, it's a matter of knowing who they are now.
I find it interesting to be an adult and be able to have a clean slate and decide from scratch what I will be involved in and what I won't. I am choosing different things this time around.
Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
sixgoofy, very well said!!!!
You are so right that our 'friends' havent changed.
Like one friend I used to go out for a drink with weekly...since I couldnt do that anymore they dropped off, and i kinda just dropped out. I got tired of hearing you need a beer to get well!
I also was the one others would turn to when they were going thru a bad patch or to get advice on something. Once sick, they just didnt get how I could return calls. Ah well.
Larspur just keep getting better, my guess is you will have a new group of friends surrounding you when all is said and done.
Posted by Rianna (Member # 11038) on :
For me many friends & some family just disappeared but the good ones stayed. For me as I now see a lot of these old 'so called friends' occasionally at social events I have moved on and just cant recover the relationships, its too late.
So just take each day as it comes and cherish and keep a good contact with the remaining friends and you will be so different and have grown so much mentally from the illness you will attract different new friends.
Rianna
Posted by bejoy (Member # 11129) on :
What a great question.
I agree that there are different kinds of friends. You have family who you get to keep whether or not you really have anything in common.
You have social acquaintances who you may enjoy a meal with, but wouldn't talk about your last blood sample or your candida issues with.
Then there is also the rare heart to heart friend.
I lost most of my old friends. I have a few neighbor friends because my husband connected with them while I was very ill, because he could hang out on the side walk with them without really leaving the house.
I have one good friend who stuck with me no matter what, although she lives at a distance.
I have another more casual friend who called to do something social about once a month, although I declined for two years. Now we get together sometimes.
I have found that since I am better, new friends have been seeking me out. Now that I have a little more personality than a front porch snail on a rainy day, new people seem to be taking an interest in me.
I'm connecting with a different sort of people than I used to. I used to connect to people who I had to care for. Now I tend to connect better to people who have their own personal strength.
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