Have had my sister and various neices and nephews visit from Texas.
No one asks how I am feeling.
No one talks about my illness.
However, during a discussion yesterday, my older sister mentioned some conversation she and I had.
Except we never had that conversation.
Never.
When I stated that I did not know what she was talking about,
Her response was that yes I did. I told her some particular thing the day before.
I again stated that whatever she thought was said, it wasn't said by me.
Then came the attack.
"You have memory issues. You must be confused and don't remember."
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I excused myself and went to the bathroom and cried.
I cried for 30 minutes. I couldn't help myself.
My neurological symptoms really bother me.
However, to use my symptoms as a weapon....well it was unexpected.
When I finally came out, I again stated that I had never had this conversation.
Now she wants to fight. I told her while I may have had a tough time figuring out
How to get into her SUV (I couldn't figure out where to put my feet due to the running board),
I did not have this conversation.
I told her that using my symptoms as a weapon isn't acceptable in my house or to me.
I didn't raise my voice.
She got up stood in front of me and said "This ends here."
As she said that she drew a square in the air with her hands and ended on the "here" part.
Now I am mad. My response is that I am not one of her children.
Please don't ever do that in my face again.
Then came the insincere apology. "Forgive me", "I am probably wrong", "I forget things all the time".
I guess I am over tired and not feeling well as the children (ages 15 on down)
Have stayed at my house for 5 days.
Still there was a comment at Walmart. When I remarked how the lights in there made me ill,
Her response was "Are you autistic?"
Not like I don't know I have brain damage or problems with neurological function.
She laughed as she said it.
While I do realize she is just starting to teach special ed children, I've been at it for 17+ years.
I think I may know a little more about these things.
I don't know. She said she hated conflict with me. (Really?)
I said that conflict is okay. Just be an adult, don't hit below the belt, and
See if you can learn something about me and what my life is like....(Yeah, I am stretching with my expectations).
I did throw out there that not once has she ever looked up Lyme and read about it.
She said that she had but was not as technical as I was and therefore couldn't recall specifics like me.
So I can recall Lyme specifics, but not a conversation?
Sorry to post this long and I guess seemingly whiney post.
It hurt me. It made me mad.
I don't understand what gives other people the right to be ugly.
Is it that I need to be kept in my "place"?
I do struggle. I don't like it, but I do.
I think I do fairly well given my prior abilities.
Maybe not.
They are leaving today. I need to rest.
My body and my mind.
I promise you that if my children hadn't had such a fantastic time with their cousins,
I might have asked them to leave yesterday.
I guess I think to myself if you go to church 3 x a week,
Don't they teach you compassion? Generosity of spirit?
Even if I was wrong, (it was a conversation she had with my nephew),
Make an allowance for me. Don't drag my deepest struggles out and use them against me.
Thanks for just letting me have a place to put this.
While I am unable to understand the whys of what happened yesterday,
It does help me to put it down.
That really was an ugly thing to do.....no matter how you want to slice and dice it.
Missing you all lots this week due to family.
Glad to come home to my real family and friends.
Thank you all for being so generous of self and spirit.
Geneal
Posted by Larkspur (Member # 5131) on :
I'm so sorry Geneal - sounds like your sister was very insensitive and you had a very stressful time.
I guess your choices are now to let her know exactly how you feel (in a letter or phone call) or to let it go. Or sometimes writing a letter but not sending it is a good way to get anger out.
My brother hasn't once asked me how I'm feeling in 5 years with this - disappointing and really suprising to say the least.
I think he just has poor coping skills, not that he's being intentionally mean. He can't deal with my being sick.
But I have decided that this is ridiculous - his behavior isn't acceptable and everyone (including me) has been enabling it.
sending you healing thoughts
Abby
Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
Thanks Abby.
I did speak to her about it yesterday....but it is like speaking to a closed door.
I did say that even if I had been wrong, wouldn't it have shone a generosity of spirit
To reply with something neutral like "I can't remember who I had that conversation with".
Why beat me up with my own short comings? Is it that important to be right?
I guess I will never understand why other people (who are supposed to love you)
Feel the need to demean or punish you.
I realize that I've grown in other ways prior to seeing her in person.
Our connection which once was good has been different.
However, now it is unfortunately apparent that other than our children,
We really have very little in common.
Sad really.
Your words are a balm to my weary spirit.
Thank you so much for being the friends and family that no one else is.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posted by Melodymaker (Member # 16434) on :
I understand your frustration and sadness.
Though we'd like to think going to church 3x a week would make someone more kind and understanding, it often doesn't.
People don't always make the changes they need to.
Your sister clearly didn't treat you with love. It may be hard to figure out why.
I think sibling relationships are difficult because there's underlying issues from childhood they're somehow trying to resolve.
Often they don't even know what is driving their behavior.
It's easier with people we don't know well, because we're not in competition with them, and have nothing to prove.
No old "stuff" to deal with.
It sounds like you've done a good job of being honest with her, and that's helpful.
You don't ever have to tolerate bad behavior from anyone. Even your sister.
I wish your heart healing, and a beautiful day to lift your spirits!
Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
Thank you Ms. Melody,
It is a beautiful day and your message is most welcome.
Thank you.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
ah gen, honey, i know how you feel
the baby sister called me yesterday and crying and all. the oldest has taken most of mom's stuff and now wanted me cut out of the will.
she tried to stick up for me with this one sister but the one told her "i never want to see or hear from you again. it's over."
she is toxic to be around and my sister said she makes her physicall ill.
i have decided to cut them out of my life forever.
I don't know if you can do this, but i sure would lessen any contact.
you don't need this, you didn't do anything, and you have to think about yourself.
remember what people told me -- let go, get on with it....
she sounds exactly like my oldest sister who's simply a mean spirited *****....
please if you ever want to talk, i can help ya out, girl, i've got tons of stories to compare with lately!!!
Posted by Angelica (Member # 15601) on :
Sorry you are going through this it is a tough one.
I divorced my sister who was beyond nasty to me when I was sick and undiagnosed. I was having problems sleeping and she would label me bipolar. When I started to have panic attacks she told me I was ready for a nervous breakdown. Anything but supportive. More like let me kick you while you are down.
People throw invalidation on others to try to control and manipulate and to feel better about themselves. It is the oldest game on the planet and not at all a fun one that I want to participate in.
Posted by AlisonP (Member # 7771) on :
Geneal,
I am sending you big warm hugs. That sounds like a lot to go through. So much frustration and ignorance from other people! In your own home, from your own sister!
Well I understand!! I get it! I validate everything you said. Sometinmes it's just nice to have someone say thay they understand.
Alison
Posted by bejoy (Member # 11129) on :
Aw, Geneal. You know what they say happens to fish and house guests after three days.
Sounds like you did pretty well, all things considered, after five.
Your sister was probably feeling out of sorts and out of control being out of her own environment for so long.
We lymies have had to learn how to control our lymerage, irritability, and to be flexible even when our bodies won't bend. Others have not been tempered by the fire.
Sounds like intuition runs in the family, so your sister knew where to hit just where it hurts, to put you on the defensive.
She may have the intuition superpower that you have, only apparently she hasn't made the vow to use her powers only for good.
I think that people can't possibly get what living with lyme is like, unless they have done it. So the compassion just isn't there.
I also think that people go into hard denial when something like lyme is so hard to grasp and so out of their control.
It is much easier to treat it like it doesn't exist than to feel so powerless to help those we love, to protect themselves, and even to heal the world.
I sometimes alternate between wishing lyme on someone so they could really get it, and being glad that they'll never have to understand.
I'm glad you put your foot down about it. Its bad for your health to be the object of aggression or to be demeaned.
I'm sorry your heart is aching. I hope we can help fill it back up with love.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
geneal, my dear friend,
talk about crap from your sister, and i'm so GLAD YOU STOOD UP PROMPTLY FOR YOURSELF EACH TIME!!!
don't let anyone verbally abuse you when you know you did NOT wrong, and then to throw it in your face!!
yes, i would have asked her to leave. you don't need to be around that type of person ... family or not!
so glad you wrote it out and getting it out of your system.
it is nice at least your kids enjoyed their 1st cousins and that you didn't let it interfere with the GOOD TIMES they were having making memories.
just stick to your guns; you are the most caring, sensitive, loving, kind, generous person i know; THIS BOARD IS BLESSED BY YOUR PRESENCE DAILY and your many words of wisdom and TACT!!!
WE LOVE YOU GENEAL!! you can be MY LITTLE SISTER ANY TIME!! i'll take you "as is!" lol Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
Aw, you all are just so wonderful to me and for me.
I hate to be a windy whiner....
Thanks for not only indulging me, but in your support, caring and love.
I feel so much better knowing that I am truly loved.
I thank God each and every night for all of you and your incredible spirits.
I am so blessed.
Geneal
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
hey, gen, remember what i've been going through and
"i wuv you".......
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Betty is so right. You can be MY little sister ANYtime!!!
I'll take you hook, line, and sinker!
Just let it go .. but if you decide to write her a letter, go for it.
We definitely LOVE YOU! Posted by feelfit (Member # 12770) on :
to Geneal.
xoxoox, Feelfit
Posted by Melodymaker (Member # 16434) on :
I'm new to lymenet, but gosh Geneal, everyone says you are WONDERFUL, so it must be true!!
I wrote my "difficult" sister a letter years ago, and then had my daughter review it before sending.
Mom, she said, you used the "B" word more in this letter than I've heard you use it in your whole life!
OK, so maybe I should have waited a month before sending, and rewritten less angry but still firm.
I didn't. =)
Writing your sister a letter may help clarify things in your own mind. You may even figure out what her problem is while you're writing.
Then you might want to set it aside for awhile and look at it with fresh eyes before you decide whether or not to send it.
Careful not to let her dump blame on you though. People love to cast blame that belongs with them on others.
Wishing you peace and light!
Posted by aklnwlf (Member # 5960) on :
Oh Geneal, I'm so sorry that your sister appears to have no compassion for you whatsoever.
I agree with BettyG about not taking the verbal abuse.
I really believe what goes around comes around and someone that kicks someone while they're down will one day receive the same.
Hey, I could use a sister too. My own has kind of checked out of life-drug abuse-so I'm shopping around. LOL!!!
Hang in there and if worse comes to worse I can FedEx my boxing gloves.
Posted by Tracy9 (Member # 7521) on :
I don't know what it is, but it seems like we all struggle with this issue; those closest to us just DO NOT get it.
Maybe someone can come up with a good analogy for this; can't see the forest through the trees kinda thing; I feel like it is on the tip of my lymebrain, but won't come out.
For some reason, it is those who are closest to us that have the darkest blinders on. Don't know why.
And they don't have to be "close" as in get along great, just genetically....
Posted by Mo (Member # 2863) on :
wow,
i just want to say that i think you handled that beautifully, and should be proud of it.
you also did a great job of communicating your experience here, i'm sure many of us can understand how this feels.
there will be many who don't understand, but you can and must draw healthy boundaries for yourself no matter what.
but it can feel lonely and it can hurt, that's why this board support is so great.
best to you, mo
Posted by mtree (Member # 14305) on :
Geneal... I too am sorry for what you had to endure with your sister....
I have lost my brother to this disease....(not literaly).... last time I talked to him....he asked how I was....I told him horrible.... I think he was shocked at my answer...didn't know what to say.....I usually say I'm ok and you??? I was tired of putting his feelings before mine....listening to him and his problems .....
I'm sick.....if you don't want to really know the answer...then don't ask the question...that"s how I feel now...
I haven't spoken to him in months..and the sad part is I'm totaly fine with it.... I had to do a lot of weeding out of people...and some were family....
hope you are doing a little better.....its good to get it all out though....and this IS the place to do it...
mtree
Posted by sometimesdilly (Member # 9982) on :
(((huge hugs to you, Geneal)))
Last November and December, when my father was dying rapidly and unexpectedly from a brain tumor, my family was fortunate enough to have an exceptional hospice worker help take cake of him, a deeply compassionate woman who made herself completely available to speak to family members, anytime.
I was the only one of my father's 4 grown children and 2 stepchildren to ever speak to her.
One of the most valuable things she said to me was this:
In critically stressful times-- like watching a a family member die (or like having a family member be seriously ill in a way that most folks just don't understand??)
your closest relatives do NOT change or become somehow different, they only become more of who they already were.
You are empathetic, compassionate, and kind, Geneal. I have no doubt that if the positions were reversed, YOU could and would be providing your sister the kind of support you wish she could give you.
Perhaps she is just not as capable, for whatever reason(s).
I'm happy for you that you are so clear about your boundaries, and that you will not let yourself be mistreated, even when it hurts to object.
Good for you!
Every soul on this board who knows you at all knows you are worthy of great love and absolute respect.
Hope you are getting rest. sounds exhausting all the way round.
hugs- Dilly
Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
I read all of your wonderful responses and get chills over my whole body.
How blessed I am to have you all.
I am slowly (very slowly) recuperating.
Running like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to go to school meetings and such.
I am closer to my friends here on Lymenet that my family members (except my Mom).
It is such a joy to just be accepted for yourself even if you are ill.
I will never be able to adequately express how much your words and friendship mean to me.
I just Thank God every day for all of you.
He always sends me Angels.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
What Dilly said... over and over again!!! Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
ah, shucks, big smoochies from texas coming your way....
Posted by AliG (Member # 9734) on :
Here I am, LATE as usual!!!
Geneal, I would be HONORED to have you as my sister.
I don't have any sisters, but from what I understand and have witnessed the sister relationship can be pretty tricky.
What struck me, in reading your post, is that perhaps your sister could harbor some jealousy?
We ALL know what a wonderful person you are and admire you a great deal for your compassion, warm, loving nature, your self-control and ability to exercise restraint to preserve someone else's feelings.
I don't think I've ever encountered such a caring, selfless person (of course I have to exclude my mom too (well most of the time, anyway ), as you have been here on Lymenet.
You are truly a Gift to us.
You can let your sister know that, if she doesn't start treating you right, we're lining up to take her place!
I'd like to pound her for being hurtful to my angel. I do admire the way you handled it. Many people would not have managed such restraint.
My DH's SIL has a problem with her sister right now that seems to stem from a jealousy over attention. Sometimes people are to close to see things like that, but they can be obvious to others.
Her "issues" could stem from feeling like you are somehow getting or looking for attention that she feels should be hers. ???
That poor thing has no idea how fortunate she is. I have a feeling that she might feel that she could never measure up to the wonderful person you are. I know I sure couldn't.
Know that you are loved here and you still will be, even if you ever show a human flaw (which I have yet to see and continue to find amazing)
God bless you sweetie. I am glad that He allows you to recognize your sisters weaknesses and not make them your own.
GREAT BIG GIANT HUGS & prayers, Ali
PS- If that little bit of Lyme reading she's done was IDSA spew..........Oh brother! Get her a copy of "under our skin" if she won't read a book.
Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
I am sorry I missed these posts.
My husband sent our computer out to be updated.
Of course it erased my log in and I had to search that down.
I wish I was as wonderful as all of you.
I can only hope that I have maybe been able to brighten someone's day as you have all brightened mine.
Truth is sometimes I may not be a good sister either.
I am embaressed to say I made a remark about my Sister's sparkly butterfly flip flops.
That I probably shouldn't have. Sometimes things just fly out of my mouth.
Darn lack of inhibition.
She told me she wore them to work (a teacher in Texas).
I kind of said "Flip flops???!!!!"
I was trained differently I guess.
No where in any school where I've worked or live would that be allowed.
She was offended. I apologized immediately.
Maybe that is where this "conflict" came from.
Of course I forgot to mention the part where she said I was too skinny.
She wanted to know if it bothered my husband.
My response was that it is nearly impossible to gain weight with no sugar or simple carbs.
Okay I am skinnier than prior Lyme.
Still have some breasts though.
(Thank you God).
I am so blessed by you all.
Your care and consideration of me makes me cry.
I suppose that so many of us have so much in common....unselfish concern for others
And struggling to make sense of a senseless illness.
Our struggle binds us in a way that I couldn't with my sister.
It is sad, but I think our relationship was strained before.
I just see it more clearly now.
I hope that one day I can be as supportive of you all as you are of me.
Love you all.
Geneal
Posted by Marz (Member # 3446) on :
Thank you Geneal for sharing this.
My sister is all I have and I don't think she remembers the "old me." And it hurts sometime.
We've had some really emotional times. Once when her daughter and grand kids were in town and I was really stressed out over looking for a new house, I told her how it was really bringing me down. I was very melodramatic and emotional.
She stood there with hands on hips and said "I'm stressed too ( because of having her family staying with her). When I realized how upset she was I tried hugging her, but she just stood there like a stick.
I suppose I shouldn't even mention it, because we both are working at it and I'm trying not to dump on her and our relationship has improved.
So I feel a little disloyal.
But I thought it might help to know there's someone else feeling like you do and it can get better.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
geneal,
you haven't the foggiest idea what a SPECIAL PERSON YOU ARE and have been since 1st coming here.
you are so considerate of everyone's feelings, and it shows all the time in your thoughtful replies!!
just relax and soak up ALL THE POSITIVES we are giving you; wrap your arms around yourself, and say, "I'VE DONE GOOD!" amen Posted by Jenna77 (Member # 16737) on :
Hi everyone! I am new here, but really glad I found this site. It is
refreshing to know there are others out there who truly understand.
Geneal, your post reminded me of a recent experience I had with
my own sisters. During a recent gathering, my sisters made it a
point to tell my friend that they did not believe I actually had Lyme
Disease, but probably just had depression. Well, Duh! Yeah, this
disease is depressing, but why not come to me with the
accusations? I was really upset by this remark. I really felt
that it was ignorant on their part. When I told my mom about
this, she said obviously they told her (my friend) realizing that it
would get back to me. And they care about you. Well, why not
just come to me in the first place? I made it a point to find online
an article I had read about how Lyme disease mimics
depression. I copied it into an email and sent it to them and
kindly asked that next time they have a question about me or
MY illness to just ask or confront me. I think what really
bothered me about the whole thing, is they rarely call me to ask
how I am doing, but make it a point when they talk to me to say,
"well... we never hear from you". Hello??? I am in bed most days
with barely enough energy to make it to the bathroom. But
maybe if you tried to call me, you would realize that. I think
after reading these points, I am a bit relieved to know that I am
not alone. Thought maybe I was the one that had the
dysfunctional family! Best
wishes to all!
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Welcome, Jenna!! We're glad you found us!!
Posted by Jenna77 (Member # 16737) on :
Thank you Lymetoo! I actually found this site through reading DR
Wisea**es blog "With a Twist of Lyme" I thought I was reading her
current blog but finally realized her last post was in 2006 or 2007.
I see also she hasn't posted here in quite some time. Does anyone
know how she is doing or if she ever got her website up and
running? I thought I read that she was going to start one. I soo
enjoyed reading her blog. I was newly diagnosed
in June with Lyme and also diagnosed w/ Babesiosis this month,
so I have soo much to learn. It is really overwhelming!
Posted by METALLlC BLUE (Member # 6628) on :
My brother refuses to acknowledge I'm even ill. We rarely speak. I love him, but I have nothing in common with him.
I try hard not to be too angry or resentful towards him, but I do struggle with that.
I often "force" myself to call him. In-fact I often force myself to call most of my family members. I just don't receive much support. I just try really hard not to be petty, but the phone calls are torture. 5 mins is too long, and I always have a lot to say, so that says something.
So, I sympathize with what you've experienced. You're handling it though.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Jenna, I've personally met DR Wise***! She's a great gal. I don't think she's doing well...so I don't know about her blog or website.
I can't say much here.
Posted by lymednva (Member # 9098) on :
Geneal, so sorry to hear about this situation with your sister.
ALiG took the words out of my mouth. I don't have a sister either, and would gladly take you as mine, too!
It's my adult kids who don't understand how ill I am. I do have copies of Under Our Skin, but haven't been able to get them to sit down long enough with me to watch it. Will soon, though.
Yesterday, the only day I didn't have to go somewhere by 2 PM, my son decided it was time for me to be awake by 10:30 AM. He turned on the TV very loud right outside my bedroom door.
He always watches it in the kitchen when I am asleep. I don't know what possessed him. I was ready to shoot him, but don't have a gun, lol.
That was after one of my dogs woke me up at 7:30 to pee and again at 8:30 to poop. Can you tell I'm not a morning person?!
Hope you are recovered soon!
Hugs!
Posted by Jenna77 (Member # 16737) on :
Lymetoo, I am sorry to hear that. If you do have contact with her,
please let her know that even after a year or two of not posting on
her blog, her message is still out there and posing a positive affect
on people ( well at least me anyway, and I'm sure if I found my way
there others did too!) Pass along best wishes in getting better!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
jenna,
wisebutt has posted in PUBLIC HEALTH ALERT issues in the past, and her humor was evident in all she wrote.
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