Just dealing with trying to get well is enough stress, so adding everything else on top of it I feel like I am collapsing and breaking apart. There are several things going on for a long time that are overwhelming to me. I have had so many things happen and I just sit there thinking, this can't be real. I am in a dream.
One of my grown children is being demanding and aggressive. Today I just blew up at her screaming like a lunatic. My brain does not work well enough to dodge manipulation creatively and intelligently, so I just screamed.
I feel so out of it. This bartonella is creepy stuff. My family of origin is also contributing their insanity. It is seriously inescapable without hiring an attorney to block them. I have spent hours in therapists offices who manically scribbled notes, commenting afterwards that I really should write a book and it is a wonder I am as sane and nice as I am.
Then my animal friends have been dying - 6 in 6 months I work so hard to save them and have to give up. I am holding their bodies and can't comprehend. It is just too much.
Life can be ruthless. Bartonella is enough to live with, feeling empty, not being able to sleep, trying to run from despair, nothing matters. Then the rage flashes like a storm.
I have to congradulate myself that I have kept it together for months. . .years. . . decades. Once in while I come unglued and today was the day. I am in the shell shock of my own bombing mission.
Posted by Elaine G (Member # 20735) on :
Nef, Sorry to hear that you are going through this.
I'm hoping your daughter realizes that Mom is at her wit's end and having trouble coping. Hopefully, she will be more sensitive to your needs. Sometimes, our animals are more attuned to our needs than our children.
You probably cope with everything fine, however, having your animals die is another thing. It's final and it is probably hitting you hard and making everything impossible to deal with.
As you know Bartonella has horrible symptoms.
I grieve for you and your animals.
You should write that book, you express yourself very well.
My thoughts are with you, you will get past this.
Elaine
Posted by TnFlowerChild (Member # 24717) on :
Nef,
no words can....
Posted by Dekrator48 (Member # 18239) on :
Nef,
Praying for you to have a better days ahead, and to have healing from the Bart.
Praying that your family problems will resolve and you will feel peace.
I can genuinely say I understand.
Posted by nefferdun (Member # 20157) on :
Thanks you guys. It is time to go to bed and I want to sleep. This gives me more peace.
Posted by Liz D (Member # 16739) on :
sorry this is happening and HUGS
Posted by Hoosiers51 (Member # 15759) on :
So sorry to hear. Hang in there.....((((((hugs)))))))
Posted by Geneal (Member # 10375) on :
Melt downs are allowed.
So is self forgiveness.
I learned early to excuse myself and leave the room for a few minutes.
Helped me focus and realize exactly how mad I was.
I knew the cause, but still needed those 5 minutes to return to sanity.
Sorry about the pets. I lost one of my best friends in January.
Google "The Rainbow Bridge."
It may bring you some comfort when you are at the end of your rope.
Hang in there.
Prayers of healing coming your way.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posted by nefferdun (Member # 20157) on :
It is comforting to have a place to turn to where there are people, even though sight unseen, that understand what you are going through trying to cope. It restores ones faith in humanity to experience such selfless love, and it seems to me that there is something to get out of suffering, which is empathy and compassion for others.
I slept well and am feeling better. I have to let go of the things I cannot control, and do what I can.
Posted by txgirl09 (Member # 21612) on :
Hang in there, Nef. We all have meltdowns. This disease enough is so much to deal with.
Also, I've been meaning to tell you what a blessing you are to lymenet. You are so knowledgable (especially with Bart) and willing to help anyone. What a wonderful heart you have.
You are in my prayers; it will get better!
Posted by buzzsflybox (Member # 26808) on :
PLEASE hang in there nef! My family and Gfriend never "Understood" either. I've lost her and most of my family have come to slightly tollerate me by calling me nutz. (I prefer excentric) Please Keep going to the shrink tho. At least he/she "Listens". God bless & help you. Buzz
Posted by nefferdun (Member # 20157) on :
I went on a trail ride today with a friend and she told me this joke. I'm not good at telling jokes but it is so perfect I will try to share it.
Two older women were visiting each other having coffee. "&^$%" said the first women "*&#$" said the other.
"Enough about the children" said the first.
Then I realized enough about the people causing us problems and let's enjoy the day and get on with our lives. It was a great ride.
Posted by Amelia (Member # 17677) on :
I am saying a prayer for you Neff... That you feel
comfort and that you know how much you are
supported. We are all here... Loved the joke--
what a riot. Thinking of you... and sending you
hugs and peace.... Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
We understand how you feel! You write well -
One strategy - when feeling upset, excuse yourself from the room and take five. Then return and deal with the situation more calmly, if you can, using "I" messages.
Posted by Kirk (Member # 24483) on :
I know how you feel. I've only been dealing with this for 10 months and I sometimes feel overwhelmed.
This thing messes with the emotions, I see that now. Don't have much advice because i am struggling with it too but you are not alone.
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