As the years pass with this disease so does my happiness. I have a lot to be thankful far and I am but seems the inside of me is numb except for my crying days..
I go through the motions and can't feel real deep inside happiness.. I dreamed last night I was with family and friends and we were laughing and singing etc. such a wonderful feeling. I actually felt it in my dream. Then awoke with the numb or no feeling except my physical and mental pain.
Is it my age, because I can't believe I am 68 or is it the darn lyme..
My golden years sure aren't what I wanted or expected but could be worse.
Venting, phyl
Posted by METALLlC BLUE (Member # 6628) on :
I know exactly how you feel. To survive, you block out the bad as much as possible, but in doing so you block out the good too because it's not a switch you can just turn on and off.
In your dream, the part that control that switch was probably uninhibited.
Posted by Liz D (Member # 16739) on :
phyl I hear you. Although I am improving with 2 years of abx I find life is more an endurance test than anything else. Happiness is fleeting - the odd moment when I forget about sodding lyme and co, never lasts long tho. As my 'golden years' approach I and scared to think of how they might be. sending hugsssss
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- It's not age. Think: Bob Hope and George Burns. Betty White. Dick Van Dyke. Just for a start. Vigor and enthusiasm of the ages, literally. There are many more who are in this category.
Such a severe illness as lyme is a huge burden on brain, body, mental health, emotions and spirit. The job, financial, family, and social stressors and losses - and the fight to hold on steady ground, well, that all saps happiness.
The hardest thing for me is that hit interpersonal relationships encounter. Communication is very difficult, nearly impossible, most of the time (especially when vertigo is constant and there is a severe sensitivity to all stimuli).
For most of us, it's a fight just to stay upright when walking across a room. In public, that endeavor is so much harder.
We have to be task focused: get across room - stay upright - smile - engage.
** Is one "happy" when they have the flu? **
Not so much.
They put it on hold, or just know that they'll be back out there again in a few days.
Lyme is like having a constant flu, only much worse and all the time. Add coinfections, co-conditions, the need to make all our food from scratch, etc. and that is also a huge drain.
It has NOTHING TO DO WITH AGE. It has everything to do with illness and toxicity from that -- and the lack of accessible care that acknowledges, prepares and supports so that success might actually be within reasonable reach.
And, yet, as we watch the news each night, we see many around the globe who live in very harsh environments of many layers. One thing I notice is that for anyone, in any circumstance, it's still possible to enjoy and appreciate so much about beauty all around us. It's just a different picture than the one we thought we'd have.
Now, "enjoy" through observation. When I see others share laughter, I feel better about the world. So, sure, I have fond hope for the ability to be able to experience more interaction personally.
With improved health, that side-effect of living, the feeling of happiness (which seems to include a vigor and spring in our movement), can evolve.
Until I'm there with better endurance, no one (or no spirochete) is going to totally rain on my parade - or steel the ability to at least appreciate some of the finer qualities of life where ever - however - I can.
For anyone - everyone - dealing with the emotional issues that comes with serious chronic illness (especially one that seems a crime in our current medical-political climate), a LL counselor or therapist may be able to help in may ways.
Through all this ugliness, I will say that I've learned a great deal about who I really am - and I'm still here. A lot of frivolous and superficial notions had to go. I lost of lots of so-called friends. I grew up. And I feel more real for that having happened. And, still, like Cyndi Lauper sings:
Girls just wanna have fun - So, I'll keep working up to that.
======================
Charles Dickens observed:
"Nature gives to every time and season some beauty of its own" -