i have tried to help him but i am going down myself. he has a social worker and psychologist...but i'm pretty sure there are no open beds in the himeless shelter so i think he will be sleeping in his van and that can't work for long in nh. winters come early here.
i'm scared...but i have really done way more for him than i should have.
i believe he has had untreated lyme for over 10 yrs. hes mad that the one month of tx didn't work so refuses any meds or herbs until "they know how to cure it for sure"
i really don't think he is thinking right---but if i don't take care of myself i will lose my housing and medical too
so sad.
my whole family except one son gave up on my brother years ago. they are all supporting me. but this is really hard.
what if he freezes to death in the van???
cuz i said he couldn't sleep on the couch? he makes me crazy refusing tx!!!
Posted by sutherngrl (Member # 16270) on :
Some ppl are just very hard to help. You can't make him get treatment, so don't beat yourself up. In situations like this, sometimes you just have to let it go. I know that sounds harsh, but I have been in a similar situation where the person just could not be helped.
You can pray and just live one day at a time. Don't cross bridges before you get to them. I know, easier said than done.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
thank you. i will have to keep hearing words like yours. i'm going to get a mini massage right now. my neck and shoulders are like rocks.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
kayak... he's going to end up on your couch if you stay in NH.
I really do feel for you. I have no ideas.
Posted by mom2kids (Member # 31972) on :
You can't force somebody to take meds, just like you can't force somebody to stop drinking or doing drugs. They can't be helped if they don't want to be and you can't beat yourself up about it.
I know easier said than done...your number one priority should be your health and you getting better. You won't be able to help the ones that want it if you aren't healthy.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
thank you again. i got mad at lymetoo for saying that and just yelled at her in a pm but it was really good she did that cuz it made me verbalize all the reasons why i cant keep helping him!
alos...he called me at 6 and said he found a place?!?!?!
i guess all my tears and stress this afternoon were for nothing...but it was good practice for me to say no to him
thank you all for being there
Posted by BoxerMom (Member # 25251) on :
As if having Lyme ourselves isn't hard enough, we also have the undiagnosed and undertreated people in our lives.
I know you ache for him and I know you want to help, but he MUST meet you more than halfway. That means finding a doc and taking meds. That means providing for his own basic needs. Otherwise, your efforts are wasted.
Your only obligation is to yourself. It takes 100% of our effort to get ourselves well.
You are not a bad person or a bad sister. Helping people who won't help themselves is exhausting and ultimately fruitless. He has resources. Let them help him. And don't supply him with free room and board. That will only impair YOUR recovery.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Cry for him, pray for him and love him, but don't try to save him. He needs to figure out how to save himself.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
quote:Originally posted by lpkayak: i got mad at lymetoo for saying that and just yelled at her in a pm but it was really good she did that cuz it made me verbalize all the reasons why i cant keep helping him!
- You did?? Boy, I'm slippin'!!! I KNOW you should NOT have him in your house!! I was just worried that if it's freezing outside and he knocks on your door... well... it would be hard to say no. I know it would be hard on me.
But NO, you should NOT let him back in.
ps.. get mad at me anytime... I'm so goofy I won't even notice. Posted by aklnwlf (Member # 5960) on :
Hang in there Kayak. I tried to help a family member with a drug problem 3 times and everytime it was a disaster. You can't help those that don't want to help themselves.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
thank you guys again. i need to fall asleep. i just went out to water the flowers and ran into another untxed lymie and spent another hour getting upset about him
I NEED TO GO TO THE BARN!!!!!!
but hope i can sleep some b4 my 12 hr drive tomorrow...
thank you-it is so good to know you are all here
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
drive carefully!
Posted by John S (Member # 19756) on :
If I found out my brother would be homeless and his only real crime was not wanting therapy for Lyme, I'd share a cardboard box with him if that was my only shelter.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
john i understand. however, i would be concerned that what lyme symptoms he has, i.e., rage, irrational behavior, etc.
i'm not saying he would, but there is a slight possibility he could turn violent or do something to hurt someone.
sometimes we have to practice tough love. this is a very hard call to make.
Posted by map1131 (Member # 2022) on :
Golly, I would have been screamed at too. I've learned the hard way....you cannot help those that won't help themselves.
My life the last year was to learn that lesson about my daughter, my brother, my father which involves my mother also.
I have tried to take of too many people for too long. I have finally realized the only ones that matter to me are MYSELF, my husband and my two grandsons 7yrs old and 10 yrs old.
Everyone else is on their own. Pam is not free to help dysfunctional people anymore. These people will drain you of all headway one can make in healing.
lpkay, I've had the last 6 mths of hell learning this lesson. I'm still in pain. Heart pain from wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
I am. I know I'm doing what my Lord wants me to do. The right things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pam
Posted by John S (Member # 19756) on :
Like I said, if his only real crime was that he didn't want to take Lyme meds I wouldn't let him freeze. If he were violent etc, then forget it.
quote:Originally posted by randibear: john i understand. however, i would be concerned that what lyme symptoms he has, i.e., rage, irrational behavior, etc.
i'm not saying he would, but there is a slight possibility he could turn violent or do something to hurt someone.
sometimes we have to practice tough love. this is a very hard call to make.
Posted by kam (Member # 3410) on :
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
John, there is definitely more to that story than treating Lyme.
Posted by just don (Member # 1129) on :
Does he have ANY visible means of support?
Like SSDI or just the lesser disability?? Food stamps? Public housing ? section 8?
What did he find? Sleeping room or full inexpensive apartment?
Is he unable to work at any job?
Sounds as if you were doing the RIGHT thing!!!
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I think he IS getting some assistance. Don't think he is able to work.. at all.
Kayak is headed north with belongings right now.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
hi guys...i got here. 12 hrs on the road. noce to read what you wrote.
he gets 200 a month food stamps
they are helping him apply for ssdi
he is on a waiting list for low income housing...they will count his food stamps as income and he will have to pay 1/3 of that for rent and utilities(cable extra)
i can pay him some for cutting grass and shoveling snow i think. so he can pay rent.
he might be able to get others to work for but he is very wierd esp when it comes to talking to ppl
also...john...it is way more than just refusig meds...its hard to describe ... but when he is in my house i really cannot take care of myself. i've tried for 2 yrs...somehow his needs get met and i go down. i have gone 10,000. into debt over this...and have to stop. its just hard. but when i say no to im...in a short time he manages to fix the problem...
the new room is with a middleaged couple who rent out 3 rooms in their house while they are repairing the house. my brothere is a very good carpenter...he is a perfectionist so he says he cant work...but he can do some stuff and maybe he will end up helping them
it is better than his room now
and he is on the list for the other housing
gotta go...thanks all...i,m exhausted
so glad you all chimed in tho. thanks
Posted by missing (Member # 22437) on :
Maybe Bartonella treatment will help him a little bit.
Even with out a diagnosis.
I was on Bartonella treatment for 3 months and it made a huge difference.
My husband has just started Bartonella treatment and it is really helping with those types of symptoms.
Maybe your bother would notice a big enough difference and would feel better and have hope again.
I don't think Bartonella treament is that expensive.
I did Rifampin and Doxycycline for a month or two, then Rifampin and minocycline for a month or two.
The doxycycline made me really nauseaus, and I was throwing up every day.
My mind was so confused with lyme disease that I thought the throwing up was herxing. I couldn't even understand what my LLMD was trying to communicate to me.
He was trying to tell me that there was a med. for the nauseau, but i was so sick with Lyme disease that I could barely understand people.
It sounded like everyone was talking jibberish.
That could be why it is so tough on your bother.
Maybe he is so sick, that he can not even function. I couldn't function. I was lucky that my husband was helping.
Posted by map1131 (Member # 2022) on :
There is help out their for those in need. They need to ask for help. It's when they refuse to help themselves that I give up.
I'll give to anyone that is trying to help themselves. Just don't expect me to carry you.
I used to be the keeper of my family. Always felt like that, even as a child. Must have something to do with being the oldest child of 5.
My keeper time is over. Someone else will need to be the keeper.
Pam
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
missing-he thinks of all the infectiona -worms-rays-metals...everything as Bb. thats it. no tx. believe me-i know a lot and i have tried for a long time. he will either go down or the mainstream medical and soc wk ppl will help him
i need to stay strong and separate
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
map-thank you. i am oldest of 6 and was a mom to many of them for a long time. i guess you and i have a lot in common. thank you for your words. i need o ekkp hearing them.
Posted by momindeep (Member # 7618) on :
I noticed when my daughter was so sick with LD that she would get an idea in her head, and there was no changing her mind, no matter how out there it was.
She could be scrappy and difficult...but I also noticed that it could have been due to the fact that she had very little control over her life at the time, and her ideas and decisions she did have control over...even if the ideas or decisions were wrong.
So your brother's problem could be a control issue in an out-of-control life?
Just my opinion and observation.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
just a thought. my sister's bil has lyme. they have tried everything in the world to help him, even paying for apartment, car, etc., he lost his apartment, ruined the car, etc.
and he says there is nothing wrong with him.
he is totally "out there". he comes over with laundry that smells so bad, she told him to go to a laundry matt, she won't put it in her washer.
he goes in and uses their toothbrushes and they have to throw them away.
i could go on and on but you get the picture.
his pictures have denied there is anything wrong with him.
she is afraid of him and finally her husband gave up also.
like some say "you can leave a horse to water but you can't make it drink".
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
thank you both. it is clear i am not the only one going thru this. i hope this thread will help others struggling with the same thing i am. i am afraid because of the mess with medical care and all the other things...politics...greed of drug companies and ins companies this problem is going to be more and more prevalent.
those who want the masses to go down and disappear will get their way sooner if we do let those not helping themselves bring those of us who are fighting down
these sentences are too long for my brain. do they make sense>
yes...we need to fight and we need to put ourselves first. then some energy can go to others who are trying and fighting. but no energy to quitters ... they will drag us down with them.
it is so hard. but i have this tread to go back to to get strength from your words.
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