I need advice.... My husband is a VERY concrete thinker. Either it's black or it's white. He cannot comprehend that all people don't think like him. He's not unsympathetic, he just doesn't understand.
If I'm herxing then in his mind there must be something I can do to make it better. HUH? He is very, very helpful if I'm bedridden. Otherwise if I can push through it, then he assumes I'm fine.
I've asked him to read Cure Unknown several times and he ignores me. I told him I was herxing the last few weeks and having memory & concentration issues, so he send me a link to a website about how to improve memory. Seriously? He doesn't understand it's just not that easy.
We have a busy family life and this makes things much harder for me. I'm finding it really hard to slow down, as has been recommended. But my husband thinks all my problems are my "poor time management" and "bad organization". Lord, I can't even remember what I'm supposed to organize half the time!
Any advice would be very appreciated.
Posted by lax mom (Member # 38743) on :
My husband has Lyme, so he understands, at times. However, at times, I have to tell him that I feel like Mandy in UOS when she was sitting on the couch having trouble eating her cereal, because she was having a flare. That image sums it up for me.
Posted by tickled1 (Member # 14257) on :
Would he watch UOS? Here and there I would email my husband shorter articles that articulated my symptoms well. Seemed less overwhelming to him to read tidbits than a lot at one time.
Posted by just don (Member # 1129) on :
like most men,,,,with a 2 bye 4!!!!!!
Posted by surprise (Member # 34987) on :
I think men try and fix the problem, when sometimes us women just want some sympathy and understanding.
In his own way, he is trying to help. I would tell him nicely how you want him to respond. Teach him. Nicely.
Hang in there-----
Posted by soccermama (Member # 35101) on :
In the beginning, my husband tried to fix, fix, fix. He is very concrete as well. I told him that I just need a hug and reassurance. Now, most of the time he just hugs me and tells me that I am going to make it.
There are times he will tell me, "detox. Remember, dilution is the solution". He is right but it doesn't always help.
He is great. When I say that I didn't do anything today, he will argue and say "Yes, you did. You worked on healing."
Man are fixers. It is in their DNA.
Posted by Dogsandcats (Member # 28544) on :
My hubby tells me to push thru the pain or ignore the pain and I won't have any problems. Don't give into it, cause then I will never get well. There is nothing such as Lyme that goes forever like this.....
Oh yes, the joy. It sounds like since your hubby helps in someways, there is hope. I have an extra copy of UOS I would give to you. Let me know. Just tell him how you are feeling and how he can help. Keep the lines of communicatio open and let him know clearly what you need to help.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
i wish i had time to help you find this---but then maybe it wouldnt matter.
there are writings by sheer and bransfield that describe what it is like to live with a lyme brain-specific things like word finding, gettin lost driving and other stuff...but i cant go look on their sites now
i know in your situation it would be real impt to focus on what he does that is positive.
i wasnt good at this. we divorced. he wasnt a monster...he just never could get it.
good luck
Posted by philly78 (Member # 31069) on :
Can he go with you to a doctors appt? I plan on bringing my hubby with me to my next appt mainly for the same reasons you mention in this thread. My hubby is the same way and I'm hoping my doctor can help him to better understand.
I wish I had some advice but I been dealing with the same thing!
Posted by cleo (Member # 6646) on :
I could have written that myself.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
I won't even comment as y'all know what I go through. It's like beating a dead horse--not worth it.
Jus do the best you can and come here and vent.
My husband is an engineer. His brain just works well differently...
Posted by kam (Member # 3410) on :
Lots of different ways to handle this.
I have concluded that unless you get it you don't get it.
No amt of explaining etc helps.
You have to just take care of you and put your health first. It is a learning curve.
Posted by FamilyFive (Member # 37206) on :
Thank you for your responses. Pathetically, it makes me feel better to know others go through the same thing.
We had the "Time Management" conversation again last night. I might as well be talking to a brick wall.
He just constantly tells me to make lists. "Check everything off your list." Well, here's what happens with lyme brain.... I forget my lists, lose my lists, forget to write things on my lists. Plus there are the everyday things for a family that don't go on the list.
UUGH! Sorry, now I really am venting!
well, I better go... to get something done on my list....
Posted by BoxerMom (Member # 25251) on :
quote:Originally posted by soccermama: He is great. When I say that I didn't do anything today, he will argue and say "Yes, you did. You worked on healing."
That is the sweetest sentiment I have ever heard. You could rent this guy out!!
Posted by kam (Member # 3410) on :
I have used the term...you are thinking healthy or normal...when I have people suggest things to me like lists.
I can't usually make a list for grocery shopping and I was a big list person before lyme hit in all areas of my life.
Even if I am able to make a food list...I am usually able to read it once i am at the store..it is enough just to be there.
So I wing it...one step at a time...whatever comes into mind and I have to keep the shopping very short.
When I first came down sick I did not have a check debit card.
So, I would just hand my wallet to the clerk. Thankfully, I lived in a small town at the time and trusted the clerks.
I also was not able to write a check...sometimes I would have them right the check and then make a scribble if brain was talking to the hand well enough to do that on the signature part.
I still need to do this.
I have a friend who has kind of just blocked out the health part of her life...just kind of ignoring her spouse and others.
And is living her life with what she can do. her husband is good to her although he doesn't understand.
he did the shopping, cleaning, meals etc but they are both retired.
she is well enough now she is able to do more.
Posted by peonyprincess (Member # 38611) on :
My husband has been pretty good about accepting my limitations...but since I am up and about he thinks I am ok. But I don't want him to feel like I am a burden so on the days when I can I do as much as I can and hope for the best. I am able to go to work but am usually to wiped out afterwards to do much. After fixing something to eat for me so I can take my meds I am pretty much done.
I keep most of what is happening to me inside so he doesn't think about it too much. I have a mantra happy thoughts/healthy body. I am trying to "wish" myself better so I can re-gain my relationship with him. I am afraid he will leave me if he knows this can go on and on.
One day at a time...
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
yeah...i do lists like you do lists...but i do still do them...
he probably wouldnt stay focused enough to read the "spoon theory" and not sure if i could even find that either
Posted by BoxerMom (Member # 25251) on :
Or letter from a Lyme Dad. I love that post.
Posted by twicebitten (Member # 5412) on :
After 10 years of dealing with this my hubby has just gotten to where he knows if I'm lying down or reclined in my recliner looking like hell that I feel bad. He usually says something like, "on deaths door?" and if I say yes, then he just knows that I'm not able to: a. go out b. cook/clean c. stay awake very long d. have a long discussion, or ....... He lets me sleep it off, complain, yell, or just be sad If I am up and about cooking or doing things he knows I'm having a pretty good day and that it may be ok to suggest activities, things to do It was tough in the beginning and it took a long time for him to get through his emotions about having a "disabled", sick, or compromised partner.
I think at this point he's quit hoping that suddenly I will be fine, and just accepted my limitations. We've all had to come to this realization, me, him, and my 2 children.
If I were to ever get well, we'd all probably have to readjust again, which I don't think would bother a one of us.
Posted by map1131 (Member # 2022) on :
Familyfive, all that's left is the 2 x 4. Don't wallop to hard.
Pam
Posted by Rivendell (Member # 19922) on :
I think that it just takes time for people to "get it".
If they would watch Dr. Phil or Under Our Skin, it would help, but you can't force people.
Just keep explaining "This is real, and I know it is hard for you to understand. But I appreciate all the you do for me."
I don't think people can ever really "get this" until they have a chronic illness - especially people who are really energetic and full of life.
I'm learning to accept that.
Posted by poppy (Member # 5355) on :
The other side of this is that people who love you are depressed that they can't fix it. But they keep trying.
So maybe the suggestions that have been made that would make him feel less useless and worried might help some. Some coping mechanism is needed for chronic lyme because it goes on so long. Recognize yourself that he wants to help and acknowledge it to him. Maybe make a friendly joke of "Mr. Fixit" remarks. And give him an alternative.
Who knows, maybe one of those suggestions will turn out to be useful too.
Posted by jenni-bunnies (Member # 34506) on :
FYI, UOS is available online free on Hulu.com. Someone mentioned having an extra copy, so it might be easier to just watch online. You have to sit through some commercials, but not as many as things on tv. Hope that helps!
Jenni~
Posted by dbpei (Member # 33574) on :
Dr. Mercola's website is allowing a free viewing of Under Our Skin. (Got this from a recent post by Robin123) Might be a good idea to watch while it is available.
Im sorry but I have absolutley NO patience for people who dont have sympathy and understanding for my disease (especially if theyre in my life and are family, husband, close friends etc)
I would absolutley FLIP OUT at him . but thats just me.
You should probably take other peoples opinions on here instead of mine.
haha seriously I would just lose it on him
Luckily my boyfriend is completley understanding and agrees with me 100% percent about this disease
altho my boyfriend is very radical, and open minded.. he hates the government. believes its bioweaponized etc. he knows that truth is indeed stranger than fiction.....
Good luck with your situation hope it works out . just remember to EXPRESS YOURSELF. Tell him exactly how you feel. Dont sugar coat.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
You might have to go it alone. Some people, especially men, are just not equipped to get it.
This was hard for me to accept, but I finally realized that this is the way it is.
I see your husband sending the the website on memory as a good thing. At least he is engaged and willing to take the time to research.
I don't think my husband has ever turned on the computer one time to research this illness. Says he's just too tired from being on a computer all day at work.
I guess he is maxed out and doesn't want to hear it, so I try not to bring up health issues anymore. I can't make him care.
It has taken its toll on us...we are no longer close like we used to be.
Many of us come here for support...where people do want to hear it.
Hope it works out so your husband can understand what you are going through.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
what's the purpose of a list when you loose the dang thang???
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