I have tried so hard to not feel sorry for myself, to be strong for my family and friends and move past this empty sad feelings I am having.
But when I am alone during the day and no one understands what I'm going through because I hide it due to the stigma around Lyme, the struggle gets harder.
I feel like such a burden to my family. Financially, mentally and with my husbands job. Also my young girls (12 & 15) shouldn't have to see me like this always.
I feel like most of the news I read gives me no hope. I am on my second round of treatment with antibiotics. First it was Ceftin and Tindamax and now, since I have been diagnosed with Babesia, I am on Mepron and Zithromax.
My moods are already unstable due to my bi-polar diagnosis that I have had for well over 10 years. Now my moods are clearly worse.
My mind is taking control of me when I am alone. I feel like such a burden that I could save my family financially and they wouldn't be burdened with so much unhappiness with me around.
I don't mean to be selfish, I feel like Lyme and Babesia could be a long term illness since it was found so late.
My mind is weak and I can't think of what I have to offer my family but heartache and financial ruin.
Posted by kimmie (Member # 25547) on :
Sweetie you are just in the beginning of treatment by a couple months. It takes awhile to turn the corner but I trust you will. I have had your exact feelings. I've told you about wanting to not wake up and writing those good bye letters. But today you can see how much different me and my girls lives are. We are living normally and maybe you are right about Lyme being a chronic illness but it certainly can become a manageable illness where you still live a happy fulfilled life. It takes time
I think Mepron is causing some emotional Herxing. Trust me when I tell you I spent days in bed crying only to work through these herxes and improve.
Most people still online are still fighting Lyme. I do believe those who recover are moving on except for the wonderful few who hang around offering support to others.
Before you had lyme you had pathogens in your body. We always will. You have to decrease the bacterial load and strengthen your body and mind to overcome. Look at me and my family. No one would ever know the hell we went through for 3 years. It gets better I promise but it is never easy. It's truly the biggest challenge I've ever faced
I love you and know you are never alone. 💋 Lymenet has gotten me through some really low times and I am thankful for finding this site.
You are always good at putting a smile on your pretty face and being a good mom, wife and friend. You are stronger than you think.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Hang in there! It DOES get better!!
Moving to General Support
Posted by phyl6648 (Member # 28522) on :
Hanna, I feel exactly the same way. I could have written your post myself.. After 12 yrs or longer of trying to find out what was wrong with me I finally got my dx of Chronic Lyme..
It has been four years and I have tried many abx.. they do work or help if you can take them but I was one that reacted to most all I tried.. The LLMD I was seeing got to expensive and the travel was almost impossible for me.
So after many, many pity parties and I still have them I finally tried to accept that this is my life now I don't like it and know I have driven my family all away as they are very distant, even my husband.. Now with that said I am trying the herbal way now .. Hoping for some improvement at least to get back like I was before I started the abx treatments..
If you can tolerate the abx and have a good doctor you will improve... This emotional battle is horrible but It could be a part of herxing..
Prayers and sending you better days.. Keep us posted.. hugs
Posted by lax mom (Member # 38743) on :
I felt the samne way just a week ago. Please remember that these feelings are temporary.
I just started reading "The Healing Code". In case I have to deal with this disease for quite some time, I want to be better prepared to deal with it.
I couldn't tolerate Mepron. I know that it can cause depression. Maybe you need a different Babesia med?
Also, getting the toxins out will help your mood. I felt horrible yesterday, weepy and just sad. I had a colonic and felt light and just happy for no reason after. The toxins further inflame the brain.
Posted by heatherene56 (Member # 39857) on :
Hi Hana, Please don't give up. I have felt the way you do many times. Just recently I got busy for a few months and wasn't doing my garlic, hardly at all. Before I knew it I was going down hill. Got back on mega doses of garlic (1+ bulb a day).
It took about 3 weeks for the herx to pass but I am doing much better now. The brain fog has cleared, my energy is up and the depressive mood has lifted.
Please hang in there and try not to tell yourself you are a burden. We are all here to support each other and that includes your family. Acceptance really does help.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
hanna-im long term and in a bad place right now but it is true you are just beginning...and you have found us. WE understand. use us.
read the success stroy thread a little at a time---please hang in.
and hana -i raised 4 kids sick the last one from her birth and her brother from 16 months and all of the kids are well and educated and married...
all kids have struggles in life. its how they grow. having a sick mom is one...they could have a worse struggle.
and as for us...we all have struggles. lyme is one...it could be worse.
Posted by kam (Member # 3410) on :
Posted by KentuckyWoman (Member # 38894) on :
Amen to all of the above.
Hang in there. We ALL understand. Also remember the phrase, "This too shall pass."
When I get the "stinkin thinkin" I know that it's the lyme doing that to me and I just tell myself to ride it out.
Stinkin thinkin is just one of the many symptoms of lyme and you can ride it out just like all the others that come and go.
Also, be SURE to mention this to your LLMD--call in today if you need to. He/she CAN help.
We ALL understand. I come on here almost everyday just for the "hug" I get of understanding this stinky situation.
KW
Posted by Carol in PA (Member # 5338) on :
Hanna, how long have you been on Mepron?
There is an ongoing thread here about the "Mepron Blues." If you are feeling so depressed that you think killing yourself sounds like a good idea, please STOP THE MEDS.
Call your doctor about this. Mepron works by oxidizing to kill Babesia. However, this isn't so good for your other cells, as they need antioxidants to continue functioning well.
You're doing treatment in order to continue having a life. Killing yourself due to a Herxheimer reaction kind of defeats that purpose.
When you stop the Mepron, take antioxidants. Magnesium Fish oil N-acetyl cysteine Acetyl l-carnitine Alpha lipoic acid CoEnzyme Q10
The magnesium is really important, and you'll need Vitamin D3 for your body to use it.
Boron will help prevent the kidneys from continually peeing it out.
Posted by Carol in PA (Member # 5338) on :
Moderators -- this is clearly a medical problem, closely associated with taking antibiotics to kill tick borne infection.
I don't think the forum should encourage people to take antibiotics, and then when they have a herx resulting in depression so bad that they are seriously considering killing themselves, tell them, "Sorry, this thread belongs in general support."
You know that I am not one to start a fight. But someone needs to be able to see when things have reached a tipping point.
This person is getting way too close to that point.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I often skim the posts... Perhaps I overlooked something. Everyone knows how to find this post and hanna knows how to find it.
When something is moved, the person receives a note about where it was moved.
The way I look at posts is that if no medical question was asked, it goes elsewhere.
Where is hanna??
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Pharmaceutical-induced and infection-induced suicide inclination is a medical issue. I can see how it may seem like a thought process issue - or an emotional issue - however the vital point is that there are physical forces driving this inclination.
The liver & kidneys are likely just too taxed &/or nerve cells are just "toast" - my word for lack of the being able to really explain it.
Carol is correct about Mepron causing depression. And about antioxidants being absolutely essential but, sometimes, that is not even enough. Backing off on mepron seems very logical.
As well, there are likely many other considerations but realize that many meds can cause one to feel like ending it all, even meds that are supposed to help mood.
We don't understand all the workings of all med but very often nutritional support can make a wsorld of difference for the better, especially with a set of neurotoxic and liver-toxic infections as those from ticks.
When the liver is overwhelmed, mood can take a huge dive. There are ways to help prevent that, though. Some are here:
CRYPTOLEPIS sanguinolenta -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- As for feeling your family should not have to see you like this always. As hard as it is, it's best for us all to drop the idealized vision of what life is supposed to be like.
Focus on the LOVE. It's all about love. Live in love, feel it, share it, hold it dear. THAT is what matters. No matter what. -
Posted by healthywealthywise (Member # 8595) on :
Hannah, I know. I've learned to stop apologizing for my illness. Instead? MY MANTRA.....?
The only way to get through each day is for me to say to myself...TOMORROW MIGHT BE BETTER.
It helps if you tell your family and friends this too......I've learned, they only want to know YOU ARE STILL IN THERE and have hope and are staying positive (even if you are not that day).
Kind of amazing for me. Almost immediately, I stopped getting advice, finger-wagging, or the horrible "just get up and get on with it" lectures.
Might save you some tribulation as we know...we ALL want tomorrow to be better. They get it and accept it.
{hugs}
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I don't think it can be moved back. Hope she shows up soon.
Posted by Ellen101 (Member # 35432) on :
Hanna I know how hard it can be to have children and be I'll with Lyme. I also hate for my kids to see me this way so I do my best to hide how I feel some days, but other days I let it all hang out. Nothing wrong with them pitching in when needed.
Mepron can cause serious depression issues especially if you have a history of bipolar. I would strongly encourage you to call your doc and see if there is something else you can take. Sometimes just taking a break from the mepron for a few days can help as well.
Please don't give up, we are all in this together! What is your most bothersome symptom?
Posted by hanna2010 (Member # 39482) on :
Hi, thank you for all your ideas and suggestions. I am trying my hardest to be strong, I am taking breaks from the Mepron/Zithromax on the weekends.
I'm going to make it through this. I use to be a strong, healthy woman and since I know that is who I want to be again, it gives me another reason to fight, other than my family.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Good to see you, hanna! Remember that these meds can be very hard on us!! Stop when you have to!!!
To make it through, it's about management - how quickly or slowly to do a treatment, how to detox while doing it, maybe consider some kind of anti-depressant care.
I agree - alot of us were healthy and strong before this happened and we have a right to reclaim that!
Posted by Dogsandcats (Member # 28544) on :
Lyme is the hardest battle I have ever fought. I am still fighting it, but not like at the beginning. It does get better as you learn more about Lyme and more about your body.
We are here for you, don't hesitate to post your questions or send PM's to me or someone else.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)