Can I get any advice on the smartest way to do this? I can't stand it anymore. I haven't mentioned it to him, and plan to get my ducks in a row first. I would appreciate advice on lawyers, how to file etc. Life has become intolerable.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I am so sorry to hear this. I'm sure you feel a lot of emotional pain.
Just offering my support to you!! Lyme is so hard on marriages.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
oh man, i'm so sorry.
i'd just suggest getting a good lawyer.
if you're both working, look into accounts and see what your name is on. reason is i got clobbered the first time because i didn't know what he had and what my name was on.
alot depends on whether you're in a community property state. makes a big difference.
i wish i could be of more help.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
i know it is different in different states...so you should get advice from someone who lives where you do
i think it can be very different in every case. good luck. prayers.
Posted by munchin (Member # 38744) on :
Many years ago I was totally dependant on my husband No job and two small kids ( was not sick then ).
It was so hard to take that first step but it was the healthiest choice I've ever made.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Be sure to clear your search and posting history EVERY time you sign on here, and on any computer site.
Anytime you even leave the computer for a cup of coffee, CLEAR YOUR HISTORY - be sure you know how to do this completely.
SIGN OUT of all sites each time you step away from computer, too. Do not stay signed in anywhere.
Do not have your passwords anywhere anyone can find them and you might go ahead and change them in case they could be guessed by anyone who knows you.
Find a family therapy counselor who also deals with legal matters.
As you say: "Life has become intolerable" it sounds like you may not be safe in all aspects.
If this is a matter of domestic physical, verbal or emotional abuse, there are organizations that can offer you specific advice for your safety.
NEVER USE WIFI to do ANY such searches, though. In fact, just never use WIFI as your on line activity can be breached.
I hope that you can find counsel who will help you proceed in peace and that the both of you can work through this in the best possible manner. But, first, be sure you are in a safe place if that's an issue. Get help you need and proceed from there.
It's painful, I know, but when you know what you must do for your health, it's important to keep that in mind. Breathe, and know this all can get better. -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Because you say: "Life has become intolerable." -- if you need this:
Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear.
If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
To immediately leave our site and redirect to an unrated site, click the red escape button (shown above) in the top right corner on our website.
Please test this feature RIGHT NOW to ensure that it works properly and that you are familiar with its function. -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- I do not have a cell phone but I think you'd also need to be very careful about your cell phone call history and delete whatever you can.
Caller ID, redials, etc. Be careful, too. -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Take care of yourself and know that it's really rather a miracle that we all get along as well as we do here on planet earth and, often, it's no one's fault yet we all just have to do the best we can with what information we have at the time.
Take care of yourself in all manners and be sure to allow some kinds of "universal" love to still be part of your cells, so to speak. There are all kinds of love and it's important to know that some kinds of love are always with us, even during changing times.
Remember to appreciate beauty as much as possible, in nature, in others, in yourself. -
Posted by aklnwlf (Member # 5960) on :
Just wanted to send you this.... and this.... .
We're here if you need us!
Posted by aklnwlf (Member # 5960) on :
Also I forgot to mention that I separated from my hubs for about 3 years during the entire time of my Lyme treatment. That might be an option.
Posted by lax mom (Member # 38743) on :
When my daughter was 5, I was in college (still healthy) and had no job. I was totally dependent on my husband too. I was miserable.
I got up the courage and left and like munchin said, it was the healthiest choice I ever made.
I couldn't continue being miserable in a loveless marriage.
Had I not had the courage to leave, I would have never met my wonderful husband (Lyme and all) and had my beautiful son...but worst of all, had I not left, my daughter would have grown up thinking marriages were full of sheer misery.
Posted by homesick73 (Member # 36551) on :
There is no abuse, and from the outside looking in, people would probably think I am crazy. I'm sure I will be perceived as the bad guy here. My husband is one of those people everyone sees as such a great guy, would do anything for anyone et.
Problem is, he just doesn't care. I think he loves me, but comes from a family that is just so unaffectionate, passive. He has sucked the life out of me. I can't even statnd to be near him anymore. I don't think he has a clue about this, but I could scream as the top of my lungs what my problem is and he still wouldn't get it.
I hope I am well enough to work, preferably in another town or state as far from here as I can get, can't wait to put all this behind. Thank you for all the support and suggestions.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
" I think he loves me, but comes from a family that is just so unaffectionate, passive. He has sucked the life out of me. I can't even statnd to be near him anymore."
wow-do i get this. all i wanted in life was to be a good mom and wife and i ended up just like you are describing above.
i forced us into 10 yrs of therapy...in a 13 yr marriage. finally the last therapist told me i had to divorce him cuz he wouldnt divorce me and the kids were being hurt by the stress. she said she had no way to know if he would change and accept me the way i was tomorrow or never.
and like laxmom it was the healthiest choice i ever made. we both ended up much better off...thekids were better off...
but...i still believe in marriage and wish i could have figured it out. you cant do it alone tho. both have to work at it.
take care.
Posted by munchin (Member # 38744) on :
We're only here once so do what is best for you.
Posted by cozynana (Member # 34270) on :
homesick73, Before you act please sit down and make a plan.
Maybe that is to get your finances in order, get the lawyer hired, make sure your vehicle is ready to travel,
get something set up where ever you are going, get some counseling, doing all of these things will help you in the long run.
Just having a plan gives you power. It also lets you access the situation one more time and
validate that you truly want to walk away and the process of getting ready and putting into action
the plan is less painful than staying.. Good luck
Posted by poppy (Member # 5355) on :
How do you get your health insurance? That might be a factor in your decisions.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
my friend who has hodgkins is very unhappy. but because she's on her husband's insurance, if she divorces she can't get insurance.
pre-existing. and if she ever does get it, it's so expensive she can't afford anything else.
shame...her kids certainly won't help her and she said she really can't live with anybody. so basically she's screwed. her pension is just not enough.
Posted by rera2528 (Member # 29886) on :
Everyone has given great advice. The joint finances can be the biggest stumbling block in many separations and divorces, especially if one party is completely unaware of what is coming.
Every state is very different, so it will be important to get legal counsel. In many states, there are mediators who handle divorces. Whichever way it works where you are, having help to sort out the finances and custody (if there are children) is not only extremely beneficial, it also removes a layer of pressure from you.
I hope you have a network of support - extended family, friends, coworkers, us - who can be there to listen.
Depending on your financial circumstances, there may be a local Legal Aid. You may also find lawyers who will do a first half hour consult for free. I would recommend finding someone who specializes in family law if possible, not just someone who runs a general practice.
Best to you.
Posted by Crawgir1 (Member # 40229) on :
I learned a lot from my divorce, and disregarding any of my attorneys advice was not a good idea. Each state has different grounds for divorce and rules regarding property etc., and finding the very best attorney you can find is very important. The closer their office is to the court house the less expensive the overall bill will be, but divorces are expensive because they are worth it. Depending on how much property you have, children etc. complicates things more. Ask everyone you can depend on keeping your confidence which attorney they would recommend, get an appointment (which can take a while for a good one), pay the one hour fee. The attorney is the one that chooses whether to represent you, not the other way around. They will expect a retainer fee, and may ask you to retain a detective, tax attorney, valuation specialist etc. depending on your needs. Follow all of their advice, not just the comfortable items!
Posted by fatherguido (Member # 25266) on :
One thing I learned from my divorce two years ago was to keep it civil and to keep the lawyers out of it (but get legal advice before pulling the trigger to get your ducks in a row). There is no need to go to Divorce and/or Custody Court if not needed.
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and this.... ![[kiss]](graemlins/kissing.gif)
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