Hi everyone...I was just wondering if anyone else here struggles with major guilt over being sick and being a "burden" to the people that love them.
My partner is so loving and so wonderful and he is healthy as a horse. He is handsome and brilliantly intelligent and uncommonly kind. I feel that he deserves better than to be stuck with a sick woman who may die on him, or at the very least never recover.
He and I had a long talk last night and he rather adamantly insisted that I am the only person that he wants and that he is never ever going anywhere. While that is so wonderful and beautiful, I also feel that it is somewhat unfair to him.
I love him so much but I really do feel guilty that I cannot be the healthy partner that he deserves. We still do things together and have an active sex life but we cannot do anywhere near the things that normal couples can do. We cannot be carefree...he deserves the best, and I sometimes worry that he is being shortchanged by being with me.
I am not posting this so people can tell me "oh you are wonderful" or anything like that..I am not fishing for compliments. I guess I just want to know if anyone else feels amazingly huge guilt for burdening their partners and if so, how do you get past it?
Thanks so much. Jess
Posted by Ellen101 (Member # 35432) on :
You know Jess he married you knowing how sick you are so he knew how things would-be. For most people it's hard as you begin your life together as two healthy people and then when one falls ill the vows get tested.
I would not feel guilty but instead put your energy into being determined to get well.
Posted by MannaMe (Member # 33330) on :
Jess, I'm the healthy one and my husband is the one who has been sick. He tries to keep a cheerful upbeat attitude. He says there is no help in howling and growling about how unfair life is.
I don't feel he has any quilt about being sick, because it isn't his fault - he didn't ask for this.
I appreciate having him as my husband even if he isn't able to be the man he once was. I know in his heart he is still the same - actually he's even better than before as he is growing in going through this trial.
Just be and do the best you can with what you have. This is your life at the moment.
We don't need to be out doing what everyone else is doing - some of those people aren't really all that happy even if they appear to "have it all".
Just appreciating the little things that we share in our life together makes our life special to us!
I hope its okay to share from my perspective on the other side.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Have you ever read the Power of Positive Thinking? It really helped me get through life!
No, it doesn't make it all go away, just helps you cope.
Posted by lax mom (Member # 38743) on :
My husband got sick badly when we had only been married a year and a half...and our baby son was just born.
I fought and fought to get him the medical help that he needed...which probably led my immune system to become vulnerable.
Not once did I ever think I was missing out on a better life with someone else.
Now that he is nearly well and I'm sicker, he is taking care of me.
Posted by surprise (Member # 34987) on :
Love the book Power of Positive Thinking.
Yes, I did feel guilt- and not good enough. I felt it more with my children-
while treating, I required laying on the couch trying to nap. While I took care of my family by driving them where they needed to be,
stocking the house, doing all the laundry and details for their lives,
I felt incredible guilt I was not 'fun' That I should be doing 'more' That traveling or having any endurance outing was out of the question.
But on the other hand, having people I really loved and wanting to be around for, to be present emotionally and mentally for,
really helped me push through treatment. That is the bright side. I pushed through.
I am feeling better now, and am actually doing 'fun' things lately :-)
But going through treatment, doing what it takes, is one of the most taxing things I've ever gone through.
You can do it Jess. I know you can.
Posted by Dove7 (Member # 39546) on :
Jessica, That guilt gnaws at me sometimes, and I jokingly tell my family they should look for an ice flow.
When we find ways to share ideas, to laugh to enjoy a meal they enjoy, or singing a song at church ( when I'm able to go), I can feel love and hope.
At those times, I can be more objective and see that guilt is not productive, and it drains what little emotional energy I have.
A friend heard me mention how much I love being around optimistic people, and he gave me a little placque with the "Optimjsts's Creed" on it. That and the Serenity Prayer help me to slow down on the self-flogging.
Not one of asked for this, and I know my kids and husband have expressed that they could take "this yoke" of illness away and carry it for me. Wishes, yes. But also the purity of that most powerful love.
It's not easy, but acknowledge the feeling. Set a timer for 2-3 minutes. When it dings, get rid of the guilt. Sounds silly, but that's how I sometimes have dealt with those cycles of emotions.
Posted by Winni (Member # 36772) on :
Jess, I am so sorry you are faced with this guilty feeling. I sometimes have this, it comes and goes. I am not married but have a boyfriend of 6 years, so we feel as if we are married.
16 months ago, When I first got sick, before any diagnosis, I told him to leave as he didn't deserve to live like this. I was a mess, in and out of the ER and countless doctors. Finally a diagnosis then realization there was no cure.
I told him again to leave. Nope, he wouldn't do it! His response was: first what kind of man do you think I am? Second, if I was sick would you leave? Then I understood. I cried in fear for days. And he stood by me until that phase passed.
That was 1 year ago. He tells me that we will learn to live with whatever comes our way. He is an amazing man, I am very lucky to have him in my life. I have said that from day one.
Please know that your sweet husband loves you and wants to be with you. He wouldn't have it any other way.
Whether you believe this.... I don't know, but I think people come into our lives for a reason. Typically we do not know the reason at the time, but eventually the reason presents itself
THen it all makes sense. . Hang on Jess, this feeling will pass. It is going to take time, but you can make it through this. You sweetie loves you and believes in you and knows you will get well. Funny how they can see this in us when we cannot.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
THANK YOU SO SO MUCH EVERYONE! The responses are so helpful. Jess
Posted by high brix (Member # 23676) on :
Jess, you might benefit from the book 'The Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris. I'm in the process of reading and have found it very helpful so far...