More developments but I won't bore you with that piece.
My husband finally called his sister and this is what she said.
She was upset because all of us were supposed to go to dinner back in December.
She got busy, then never really followed up with us so I dropped the whole thing.
The other thing she mentioned was when we went to HI in December with my husbands family, his mom rented a car.
She put it in my husbands name since rental car companies will not rent cars to people in there 70's.
His sister wanted to borrow the car to explore the island.
We (probable more me) said no because she wasn't authorized to drive the car.
We just didn't want the liability.
She wants to know how we can move forward to have a better relationship with us (me)?
Posted by Dekrator48 (Member # 18239) on :
It is good that she wants to have a better relationship with you.
I encourage you to pray daily for her and yourself, that you both can remove any feelings of resentment or anger you may be holding onto.
Pray for her and her family to be blessed. This can be hard when we have had problems with a person, but it is necessary for us to do this so that God can work in this situation.
The 2 best things that I have tried to do better that have helped are 1. Keep my mouth shut, and 2. Pray.
Read scripture that will encourage you to take the right path with her even when it feels hard, such as:
Romans 12:14-21(NLT)
14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them.
15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.
16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.
18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
20 Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”
21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Posted by hopingandpraying (Member # 9256) on :
I couldn't have said it any better, Dekrator48!
Those lines of Scripture speak VOLUMES!!
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
tickalert .. That is really great that your husband called her! I hope you will be able to move forward!
Those are great verses, Dekrator! Great advice!
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
be careful is all im going to say.
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
Randibear, I'm with you. I'm treading lightly.
For some reason I have a hard time with the fact that she had no intention of ever trying to resolve this.
I definitely ruffled her feathers when I confronted her at the shower about the gift D17 and I got her.
It's one thing to direct things toward me, another to take it out on D17.
D17 doesn't want to go to her Wedding unless she gets an apology.
I'm with her on this one.
A lot of her friends at the shower were not that nice to us.
I'm positive she's spoken about the situation to them.
Hard to go to some ones Wedding who did this to you.
I don't even feel that I did anything wrong.
She's very spoiled and entitled if she's mad about something so insignificant apparently.
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
I'm Christian and I do forgive.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Well, you don't HAVE TO attend the wedding.
Posted by GretaM (Member # 40917) on :
I'm glad hubby phoned.
But...those are pretty feeble reasons she gave for holding a grudge... Geesh.
Just sayin'
I'm with randibear on this one. I would forgive but still be cautious.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
Forgiveness is one thing; trust is another.
I am all for praying your way through this. As a believer, I think that's what we are supposed to do.
However, being a Christian does not make us a doormat.
I hope it all works out, but do be careful.
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
quote:Originally posted by tickalert: She wants to know how we can move forward to have a better relationship with us (me)?
Of course she wants to know how to move forward since her wedding is just around the corner. No bride wants to worry about any issues before or on her big day, even if she created the issues or held onto them way too long.
I will give it to her though in that at least she came clean and coughed up her passive aggressive response. But again, I'm sure she wants no worries on her big day, so it's all about her so she won't feel bad. She should apologize to both you and your daughter.
She's an emotional vampire. I would avoid her like the plague. You don't need her head games. You could always take your daughter out for a special day instead of going to the wedding. Hubby can tell her you were both busy.
I also think going to the wedding with your daughter sends a message to her that it's okay to be a doormat for someone with issues even if they are family, and even if there is a wedding. This is just so wrong on so many levels.
BTW, did she finally invite your husband to the rehearsal dinner?
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
Catgirl, she didn't invite my husband to the rehearsal dinner.
Tomorrow is my daughter's 18th Birthday. My husband invited his sister to my daguhters birthday party.
She declined saying she wasn't comfortable going (gee wonder why) lol!
MIL was in charge of the RSVP's for the Wedding and I will let her know tomorrow that my daughter and I will not be attending.
My daughter and I have reservations at a fondue restaurant the night of the wedding.
The only way I'm moving forward is if she apologizes to my daughter and I.
My daughter refuses to go to her wedding for the same reasons I have.
Greta, I think there's more to the story as to the issue she has with me. She's extremely passive/aggressive.
My husband flat out asked her about what happened in HI then she finally told him. She didn't offer any information.
Pretty obvious she doesn't like me.
Linky123, a doormat is some thing that I'm not. I've taught my daughter to have people treat you with respect.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
I meant in the general sense that we don't have to be a doormat.
Not implying that you are one. Sorry if it sounded that way.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Agree with Linky, Greta and Catgirl.
Will add that it's very tough when you have kids. You raise them to respect the institution of family.
When a family member chooses to be blatantly rude to your child, all bets are off. There is NO reason for this.
Good for you tickalert for respecting and honoring your daughter's feelings and wishes. Have a great time with your daughter at the restaurant!
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
linky123, I didn't think you were calling me a doormat. Your just stating the obvious.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
quote:Originally posted by tickalert: Catgirl, she didn't invite my husband to the rehearsal dinner.
This speaks volumes. She either doesn't want you there (if hubby were to go), or needs to keep up her story with whatever she's told her friends about you.
I had something kind of similar happen to me with a family member. I made the mistake of going to the wedding even after being treated strangely by the bride's friends at her wedding shower. It was bizarre and I remember feeling like your daughter did. I could see the disdain in their eyes and couldn't figure out why they were treating me strangely.
I went to the wedding because I was taught that family is family even if you can't stand them, and we should all show up and be present at these functions since they are supposedly a once in a lifetime thing. Long story short, I'm sorry I went. The bride's friends continued to give me grief at the wedding.
None of us have any idea what others say about us. I used to care about this and had to correct anyone who would miss state my intentions. Since getting lyme though, everything has changed. I'm too busy trying to get well so I don't waste any time or energy on anyone like this anymore. Now I'm ONLY around people who I like and choose to be around, people who want good things for me and wish me the best.
So I have zero to do with this family member. She is an emotional vampire living in a world with whatever story she creates. I wish the best for her though because deep down inside I doubt she knows what she does. Wishing her the best has given me peace, and that's a beautiful thing.
Good for you for standing by your daughter. The fondue restaurant is a great idea, indulge!
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
wait, did I miss something?
were YOU invited to the rehearsal dinner and not your husband?
Is your husband still going to the wedding?? is your husband her brother? (sorry, tick brain has difficulty getting facts straight)
did she admit to not liking you? I only see reason she was mad at your husband about car?
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
LisaK, Sil is my husbands sister. Ironically, we got an invitation to the rehearsal dinner yesterday, the Wedding is October 18.
I emailed sister I law Monday that my daughter and I weren't going to the Wedding since we felt unwelcome.
Ironically she was super upset, she called her mom and they had lunch Monday.
MIL called my husband and told him his sister there didn't intentionally try to be rude to us...yes she did.
I will be out of town the evening of the rehearsal dinner.
She doesn't want us there and doesn't like me so I'm thoroughly confused.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
so, your husband is in the wedding?
what I find from stupid in laws is that they will always be stupid.
it's partly their fault they are rude, but stupid is as stupid does.
I didn't go to my husband's one cousin's wedding because I didnt; think they should be married.
they had my husband in wedding but not me. That is just rude with a capital R when you are married.
I caught some heck of course. well guess what? they are divorced. I knew it.
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
My husband is not on the wedding Lisa.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
IMO I don't think it's necessarily rude to have a groomsman and not include his wife and I don't think it's rude to have a bridesmaid and not include her husband.
The decisions re: who is in the bridal party are based on relationships the groom has with his groomsmen and those the bride has with her bridesmaids.
For example, the groom's best friend since childhood should not be obligated to have that wife as a bridesmaid (unless of course that bridesmaid would be willing.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
it depends. if the wedding party is made of 10 bridesmaids and 10 goomsmen and the couple groom pick your husband and the bride picks every woman in the family except you, including her cousin from alaska that she hasn't ever met- then that is definitley rude AND making a statement.
not sure if I'm gettin gmy oint across, but like I said in an earlier post on this thread, my SIL had a big wedding an dlater when I asked why not me, I was told "because she was not in my wedding".
that is clearly stickin it to me. an dlike i said before also, I had no bridesmaids. ??
whatever. it's all BS any way.
weddings mean nothing to most people now. it's all a parade.
tickalert, I didn't see it mentioned, but is your husband on your 'side' with all this? is he still going to the wedding?
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
Lisak, yes your SIL made a huge statement by not including you in her Wedding.
That was extremely rude IMO.
I thought my husband was on my side until I snooped through his phone last night.
He texted his sister earlier in the week and said sorry things have gotten out of hand.
He completely through me under the bus.
She texted back and agreed.
As I've said before, she doesn't want me there so why would she care?
Probable to play the victim like this is all my fault.
I'm mad at my husband for doing that.
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
Bummer your hubby through you under the bus. Mine has done that before too. I think guys feel pulled between family and wives sometimes and just want to keep the peace and and get along. In doing so though, they don't always realize the ramifications of their actions.
I usually let it go when my husband doesn't stick up for me on family issues (and some other dumb stuff too). I realize that it's his issue and he simply didn't have the balls to stick up for me (he also hates confrontation). I consider it a lack of integrity but forgive him for being dense sometimes (lol). I also know he and his family have a bond that started long before I came along.
I agree with Lisa, it's all a parade.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
my husband sticks up for me now , after 22 years of marriage and me being sick to the point of near death and his parents finally messig things up so much by breaking his heart.....
only after all that.
at least he finally sees the light. Thank God.
Posted by surprise (Member # 34987) on :
I think by going back and forth with her (you being honest, basically, about why you weren't coming) just adds fuel to the fire with these type of people.
Bottom line, some people aren't right in the head, have unstable emotional issues (emotional vampire like Catgirl said) will only cause you grief and hurt. Whether they mean to or not doesn't matter: it still is.
and since it's peripheral family, that does NOT mean you have to see them/ have any relation, but it's best to now keep quiet. Polite, sorry, I'm busy. Thanks, I can't. (and nothing else!)
Can't mix up at all with these people. And, it makes it worse, and more alive, if you talk about it with other family members. (Seen it. Lived it.) Just go about your life with a no thank you, and that's it. Make it over.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
LisaK I get what you mean...when all the females are asked except for you and on top of it someone the bride has never met is to be in the bridal party...well that's a bit strange.
tickalert,catgirl, men are torn between their wives and their mothers. I don't get it. When you marry, YOUR WIFE is where loyalty should be.
That's why I gave an ultimatum after so much disrespect directed towards me....either YOU have a conversation with her OR I WILL! You can guess how that went down!
It doesn't matter that THEY were there before you. What matters is that you are here now and YOU are the one HE has committed to spending HIS life with and HE should deal with HIS family by having his wife's back ALWAYS.
surprise is right...no more back and forth. You made your point. It's done and over with.
Posted by Dogsandcats (Member # 28544) on :
All in a perfect world...
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Most men are afraid of their mothers.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
tutu, so true.
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
Surprise your so right. Beaches I couldn't agree with you more.
I feel SIL needs lots of counseling. I don't think normal people act like her.
Her family is VERY dysfunctional and emotional vampires.
I will not try again...I'm DONE.
I plan on going about my life not wasting any more time or energy on this situation.
Obviously she can't be honest and acted worse when I point blank asked her if there's a problem with me.
Would love to give her the movie Mean Girls as a Wedding gift.
I can't understand why she would be upset that d18 and I don't want to attend her Wedding...seriously?
Why would I want to? I don't even like her and obviously the feeling is mutual.
Tutu, you are correct. I think my husband is afraid of his mom.
Posted by steve1906 (Member # 16206) on :
Beaches:
quote: tickalert,catgirl, men are torn between their wives and their mothers. I don't get it. When you marry, YOUR WIFE is where loyalty should be.
Just for the record…Not ALL men are torn between their wives and their mothers! My loyalty and love has always been given to both my wife & my mother.
Just because one gets married, they should NEVER stop loving and respecting their mothers, and do everything possible to make them happy.
Don’t lose your relationship with your (mil) because of your (sil).
Mothers are the ones that usually keep family together, or at least try the hardest.
ALL families fight, all families have disagreements, it’s up to all of us to try and forgive and forget - when possible.
If someone is always plain out rude and or harmful, then you need to make a decision on what’s best for your family members.
My Mon died early, 62, but I had a great relationship with her while she was alive.
And no, I was never afraid of her.
I have always believed mothers are the most important people in this crazy world we live in.
Our kids need them; grandmothers give great love and affection to our kids. They are always there to listen, while trying hard to understand, and somehow knowing how to help.
I wish you luck, Steve
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
my husband was raised (italian family) that family is family no matter what, you never talk back to any elder, loyalty is number one on the list, and so on.
so he has a really hard time giong against anyone in his family. he is afraid to talk to his mom, that's for sure. she can really be a - you know what.
I used to be afraid of her, but no more. I keep as far away as possible from all of them now- now that I have been called all kinds of names and blamed for things I never did or said.
and rediculed and talked about, etc.... and it was rubbing off on me too! I was becoming like them! I still need to repair some things and get rid of bad habbits formed from this union.
I only trust and talk to one SIL and her husband. for now.
ps. I could always know when my husband would be talking to his parents because he would come home and get on my case about everything they didn't like about me. they were always talking about me.
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
quote:Originally posted by tickalert: I can't understand why she would be upset that d18 and I don't want to attend her Wedding...seriously?
So she can continue to play the victim. Both you and your daughter are wise to step away.
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