So what to do. Well I did not, after some considerable inner anuguish and debate, wear my beautiful color coordinated depends with the fluffy matching bedroom slippers and the bright orange hospital slip over. I was also going to take in my elegant Royal Doulton Chamber Pot,with matching lid, in the Sherbrooke pattern which matches the blue fringe on the large oversized depends. (Both are in a Williamsburg blue and the lid of the pot has is a platinum coloured handle surrounded by an elegant greek classical geometric pattern.) Upon reflection I decided the judge would not be the type to appreciate the subtleties of fine English bone china.

I would have certainly looked so much better and more elegant than Sadaam Hussein does in HIS underwear. But upon mature consideration I just dressed in my ususal look of a run down bum, I am after all the street person in residence at four different state libraries.

One must understand that the SS people do not give a hoot whether you are sick or not. You could have no arms,legs hands or feet and if you could still gum it for 8 hours a day for five days a week you are not disabled. I did not try to explain about Boris and Myrtle Burgdorferi and how they and their 18 billion white trash relatives had moved into my body and trashed my life and how they do love sherry. I did not explain how they had built all their love nests in the linning of my poor stomach and those lower nether regions and innards that are just not discussed in polite society and as a result had turned my life into one first class stinking mess.

I did mention GERD and the judge gave me a knowing look. We each gave each other a knowing look. I therefore did not have to explain those regular or should I say irregular atmospheric conditions (what the British so quaintly call wind) that would make it impossible for me to hold a job for more than five minutes. One really good "effusion" and everybody would pass out and I would be tossed out on the street.

I did explain how exhausted I was and how I had the nasty habit of wanting fall asleep while walking down a street or driving my car. I explained about getting lost in parking lots or heading for a grocery store and wondering what on earth am I doing that for and about getting confused and lost driving down the street. Lyme disease has a way making life interesting. Never a dull moment.

Things really hotted up nicely when I described getting so angry in traffic I wanted to ram my car into some idiot cement mixer going down the road. Not a good idea. I turned very red and angry. I am still mad at that fool. The judge was most sympathetic and nodded in agreement.I told about the time I was in such a rage I wanted to take may walking stick and beat up two little old ladies walking down the street. So on it went.

My rep afterwards said he throught that I had a 90-95% chance of winning the case. This 27 months after I had applied. I went home and collapsed. have been more or less in bed for the rest of the week. I learned Wednesday that the judge will take sixty days to hand down his decisions, there will be God knows how long to get the thing typed and in the mail and then 45 more days before I get any money. I will no doubt drop dead the day before the check arrives in the mail. Cheers. Thomas Parkman

Perhaps you are just too close to see it, but you are on to something really big with the fringed and color-correct Depends! You are a fashionista!

And Thomas, you KNOW that the American thing to do with such talent is to exploit it up the ying yang!

So get off the Royal Doulton pot and get working!

You know, even the upper classes get old and have to resort to industrial strength undergarments just like the rest of us plebes. But why should they have to settle for pedestrian plain-wrap diapers with nothing going on in the STATEMENT department? Adult diapers have gotten a bad rap and do NOT have enough pizazz for a LOT of people, so they are loathe to wear them. You can change that. You have stumbled on an UNTAPPED and WOEFULLY UNDERSERVED market, Thomas!

Don't we pride ourselves on having choice in this great country of ours? Nothing other than Frigidaire White diapers is really a CRIME. Look, kids can get diapers with Sesame Street characters on them, can't they? Is that FAIR? You know the answer.

So what about Designer Diapers -- Versace, Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger? Can't you see them now? They'll sell them in their stores where the rich are buying their other clothes! It's a whole new income stream for them. And you KNOW Versace diapers will have to cost a pants-load of money, don't you? Heh heh.

And don't forget that even the middle class is awfully tired of the same-old same-old.

Martha's out of the slammer now, so why not approach her about designing, oh, a LIME-colored diaper with robin's egg blue edging (with a percent of profits donated to LymeNet)? How many of THOSE would trundle out of K-MART everyday? Eh? And would YOU be the hero or what?

Think about selling advertising on the acres and acres of now-naked diaper space! Oh. My. God. Mr. Advertiser will JUMP at the THOUGHT of spreading HIS message on YOUR diapers! You are penetrating new ad territory! The possibilities are endless! So is the money. Adult diapers are HUGE.

Target hires designers to do toaster makeovers, so why can't YOU, Thomas Parkman, hire designers to do diaper makeovers? They'll work on spec for such a growing market and you will have redesigned YOURSELF as the GO-TO GUY when it comes to upper class AND middle class incontinence!

You'll know you've "made it" when the Judge at your last SS hearing is spotted sporting his NASCAR-branded heavy duty no-leak Earnhardt Signature diapers on his way into his chambers.

Keep up the good work, you bad boy, you.

orion

I lost my sense of humour this week and it is the one thing that has always kept me going.

Now I'm laughing again....think you guys have found and returned it to me.