posted
I'm sorry but I just can't handle this anymore. I am so sick of not feeling good and not getting help. I know my original post is long, but I add to it for those of you who follow my story and just like to read it. I would put it in General but I have noticed more people are here and not there.
Many people tell me to see an LLMD, but you don't understand that I can't. My parents don't see this as serious. I hate going to all these stupid doctor appointments for nothing. So they can ask questions do an exam and what not and tell me I am fine.
I just can't handle it anymore. I am cracking like an egg. I can't take it. I can't stop thinking about it EVER. And all I ever do is sit around hoping something will happen to chaneg everything.
I am thankful people on here believe me or whatever but that does me no good for reality. People I am around everyday have no clue what is going on and I just can't take it anymore.
I'm sorry. I hate to say this, but sometimes I just feel like I wish everything was over. Sometimes I feel like dying. Everything is to overwhelming for me. And I can't keep holding it in.
Lately I have been so depressed and upset. And angry. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything. Thoughts are constantly flashing in my head. They are about it is going to be like when I find out what is wrong and everything. It is like I am making this whole fantasy thing of my life up.
I HATE IT. I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF IT. I JUST WANT TO QUIT. LIKE I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do. I feel like crap. People keep giving me crap. And I can't take it.
I feel like a bomb about to go off. I think I have reached my point. And well, I guess that is all I just thought I would say. I don't if I will be on as much as usual anymore. I'm sorry.
Well, thanks for everything. I really do appreciate everyone trying to help. Thanks.
-------------------- Jesus sweated blood over the task that lay before Him.He could have escaped his brutal execution at anytime,but he didn't he stayed there for you.
God bless,Christi Posts: 306 | From Alabama | Registered: Feb 2007
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CaliforniaLyme
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 7136
posted
It's okay to feel that way- of course you're going to feel that way!!!! You have had a VERY hard time and yes it seems hopeless in some ways right now- Just don't kill yourself!! Please!!!!
"Sit on your hands." if you need to- to get through that feeling if you have it- or use your hands to call someone- my number is 1-831-662-3628 or a hotline somewhere-
I NEVER believed I would get better at a certain point- I was SURE I was DOOMED and was going to DIE no matter what- and I am SO glad I stuck around-
it has been better than I thought it would be-
We had a local woman who couldn't afford a doctor and she self-treated with animal antibiotics from a feed store. She did great too!!! She got better!! CHEAPLY!!!!!!!! I know another woman who chose to do that just because she hates doctors- and lives out there in the woods in oregon not near any anywayz- and gets abx through the mail (animal abx!)
There are ways!!! Your local support group probably gives their extra abx to people who can't afford doctors or meds!!! I would contact your local people!!!!
AND BY GOD you have EVERY right to be angry!!! I am STILL angry when I think of the way we are treated- and the way we DIE- like Glenn Killion did- like animals- because of denied care-
YOU DESERVE BETTER- and I am sorry you haven't gotten it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best wishes, if you were near I would invite you for tea- Sarah
-------------------- There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin
All truth goes through 3 stages: first it is ridiculed: then it is violently opposed: finally it is accepted as self evident. - Schopenhauer Posts: 5639 | From Aptos CA USA | Registered: Apr 2005
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kelmo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8797
posted
Christi. I didn't see that it was moved to General. It is true that if you are going to write a diary about your day, it should be in General, not in a place where people need medical answers.
If you feel suicidal, call a help line or 911. We are unable to help you from a distance.
As far as no one answering your posts. It appeared there were several people answering. The post went on for five pages, someone must've been conversing with you.
I'm sorry you feel bad. It just didn't seem you were critically hurting when you are able to compete in athletic events and keep your GPA at the top of your class.
The best place for you to get help is from your family. We are dealing with our own issues. We care, but we are limited.
Please get help in your community or your parents. You are a minor, so you really need to seek help with a professional, or a parent.
All best, Kelmo
Posts: 2903 | From AZ | Registered: Feb 2006
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Vermont_Lymie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9780
posted
Christi,
Hang in there. This is something we all go through.
There is something that I would like you to do. There is a very nice man, "Lymedad" who posts here on lymenet, describing his daughter's illness.
He is so very articulate about how he and his family did not believe his daughter for a long time as she became ill, but now he is devoted to helping her regain her health.
I want you to find one of Lymedad's posts (through the search function above), and write to him through the PM -- Private Message -- function. He has often offered to speak with and write to people's families when they do not realize how serious lyme disease is, and how it must be treated by lyme literate doctors.
You should ask him to write to your parents.
Please would you do that today? Thanks, and let us here on lymenet know his response to your message.
Lyme disease is serious, and that is probably what is causing you to feel this way right now. Sometimes it takes another parent who has been through it to speak with a parent.
It is very difficult to deal with untreated lyme disease and you do not have to go through this alone.
I am looking forward to seeing your response here. You should also go and speak with your school nurse or counselor too and share with them the difficulties that you are having. Take care and keep fighting, you remain in my thoughts.
aklnwlf
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5960
posted
Hi there fellow Alabamian!
Don't give up! I think there is a suicide hotline number in the newbie links in medical. I'd call.
I'm sorry but I don't know your situation because I don't come here on a regular basis due to herxes from hell.
I'll do a search and find your original post.
It sucks when people don't believe you're sick, especially as sick as some of us are.
For myself I get the 'oh, but you look good' sympathy, which is no sympathy at all.
Let me do that search for your original post and I'll reply later.
-------------------- Do not take this as medical advice. This comment is based on opinion and personal experience only.
Alaska Lone Wolf Posts: 6144 | From Columbus, GA | Registered: Jul 2004
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CaliforniaLyme
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 7136
posted
One thing I learned working as a counselor with the seriously mentally ill is that people can look amazing and still kill themselves. From the outside they can appear to have enviable lives.
If I had not been trained as a counselor for years and worked professionally with suicidal people I would not offer you my phone number- but I agree with Kelmo- you do sound like you would do well with a regular therapist- I saw one when I was really down and was really sick with Lyme- she was great- even though it felt like all I did was complain about pain non-stop every hour all hour-
and I think that is a great idea re Lymedad!!!! He seems neat!!
Hope you are feeling better soon- we do care here- Sincerely, Sarah
-------------------- There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin
All truth goes through 3 stages: first it is ridiculed: then it is violently opposed: finally it is accepted as self evident. - Schopenhauer Posts: 5639 | From Aptos CA USA | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I just PM'd Lymedad. Hang in there, Christi.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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AZURE WISH
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 804
posted
Hi wilsongal,
Please hang in there. Many of us have felt the frustrationa and anger and sadness of feeling stuck in this sickness and having people around us that just dont understand...
especially when we dont look sick.
Please pm lymedad like Vermont Lymie suggested. Sometimes parents can be stubborn and unfortunately adults arent always that great at listening to kids.
Also I just wanted to say that I really liked your poem and I hope you continue to write. It is a great outlet for all the pain you are expereincing.
I know my creative endevors have gotten me though alot with this disease (I write poemss and work on my artwork when I can... it helps)
Have you read the sucess story link? Maybe it would help you realize that there is still hope and you can get better.
Andie333
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7370
posted
Christi,
One thing to keep in mind (and this may or may not help) is that depression is one of the symptoms of Lyme.
So these really exaggerated feelings of awfulness you're feeling are actually part of your disease...not just your head spinning out.
Reminding myself of that helped me early in treatment, when it felt like things were getting darker.
You take care of yourself! One other thing: is there a counselor at school or a favorite teacher you could talk to? Someone there who'd take you seriously? Or do you have an older sibling who might be able to get through to yor parents (if you can't).
Just some thoughts.
Andie
Posts: 2549 | From never never land | Registered: May 2005
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You have gotten such good advice here and I hope you will follow through, especially hooking up with LymeDad. It is important to know that you are not alone in your struggles and frustrations.
I have been EXACTLY where you are in feeling that I could not take another THING and I was just FED UP with being sick and not having another living soul believe me or understand.
I did not feel anything like hope until I got an appt. with a psychiatrist who listened so intently and empathetically and who helped me with some meds I needed. And I need to tell you that before I got sick I was a PSYCHOTHERAPIST!
I did not have the tools I needed to deal with a chronic illness like Lyme and I was at least twice your age.
So don't be so hard on yourself. You need help and there is nothing wrong or shameful in that at all. Since you are a minor, you will have to rely on adults to help you. From what I have read of your story, you have been independent and very highly functioning. That describes a majority of people here before Lyme.
Please seek out a counselor at school, a favorite teacher, a pastor....anyone who can advocate for you in talking to your parents. And I believe that a couple of people here have even offered to speak with your parents. Please let them.
No matter how much we would like to be able to take your burdens away here, we can't do it. We can be supportive and we do care very much, but ultimately you will need to talk to someone near you.
This illness can be an emotional rollercoaster! Some days seem managable and other days seem impossibly hard. It's a lot like our physical symptoms....they come and go and change and challenge us differently every day.
It's amazing in itself that you found your way here. Most adults have had a hard time finding LymeNet and the help it can be. But no matter how much you believe your family wouldn't understand or not care, you have to TRY to talk to them. A starting point may be for you to ask your parents to order the test kit from IgeneX labs, have the tests done and see what they show. And if it seems very likely that you have Lyme disease, the good thing is that the younger you are, the better you should respond to treatment.
Please take the advice you've been given and then get some sleep tonight. Things usually seem less awful in the morning.
Blessings, Janet
-------------------- DISCLAIMER: No information presented above should be considered medical advice or take the place of advice given by a medical professional. Links to other sites are provided merely for ease of research. Posts: 287 | From Tennessee | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by kelmo: Christi. I didn't see that it was moved to General. It is true that if you are going to write a diary about your day, it should be in General, not in a place where people need medical answers.
If you feel suicidal, call a help line or 911. We are unable to help you from a distance.
As far as no one answering your posts. It appeared there were several people answering. The post went on for five pages, someone must've been conversing with you.
I'm sorry you feel bad. It just didn't seem you were critically hurting when you are able to compete in athletic events and keep your GPA at the top of your class.
The best place for you to get help is from your family. We are dealing with our own issues. We care, but we are limited.
Please get help in your community or your parents. You are a minor, so you really need to seek help with a professional, or a parent.
All best, Kelmo
I know it should be in something else but I have asked medical questions. And I make up the 'people who need medical answers'. I am not suicidal. Just to clear that up. Way more than half of my 5 pages is me. Trying to explain myself.
"It just didn't seem you were critically hurting when you are able to compete in athletic events and keep your GPA at the top of your class." THAT IS WHAT EVERYONE SAYS. I DON'T COMPETE IN ATHLETIC EVENTS BECAUSE I HAD TO QUIT EVERYTHING BECAUSE I HAD TO MUCH PAIN. I STAY AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS BECAUSE IT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME AND IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR. It is not just that. Now of my family has went to college.
My family is definiately not rich, and I blame that on my parents not going to college and getting 'good jobs'. I know that is mean, but I can't understand how people can live 'happy' (so to speak). I mean I am not happy. I get what I NEED most of the time, but most of my friends and everyone there parenst make it work no matter what.
I hate that I have so many siblings that they have to split money between.
You see after being a doctor I have always wanted to race dirt-bikes, but I can't because I can't afford a newer bike and gear. Plus, with my bone problems no one would really eblieve me if I could race that there would be something wrong with me like the comment about me not being critical because I still did athletics. Well, I don't because of the PAIN.
But, I FIGHT PAIN. No matter how much it hurts. I REFUSE to give up everything I do. I LOVE doing stuff and I hate that it is slowly fading away from me. I look back at what I used to do and I am not the same. Right now I am BEGGING for a dirt-bike, but we can't afford it. Or they say no because it wouldn't be fair to my younger siblings.
My neighbor who has been my friend since we were born has wnated to race his whole life. He just started racing and is happier than ever. I want that to be me. I want to race. Or at least have a bike I can take to the track to practice with. I have an old 1980 Honda XR 80 which is to old and feeble, and way to small. And it breaks down easily. I just want something at least in the 2000's and biger like 125cc. Nothing brand new or way expensive.
I am going to the track now to watch and wish so much I could go out there, but I can't. BTW, before you say HOW COULD SHE POSSIBLY RACE WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS SHE SAYS SHE HAS. Well, yea, I AM NOT GIVING UP WHAT I LOVE. I REFUSE. No, really, I will do anything to get through this. I realize my boundaries though. How much I can or can't do.
I get so depressed because I wish we had money, I wish I could race, and I wish I could figure all this out, but I CAN'T. I have to live with it. Just like all of you.
But, I would do ANYTHING for a bike to race. So, I get really really depressed about that and cry because I probably couldn't because of my joint pain and stuff anyways. I HATE IT. I need to go get another roll of toilet paper.
Ok, ummm...riding is the only way to get my mind of everything. Just sitting and rolling along is nice to me. And now I can't even do that. There isn't much I can still do but go to school. and sit at my computer. School is so bad now because I never feel good and I hate to go.
I know the whole racing thing probably sounds stupid but most of you probably don't have the passion for it like I do.
Plus, lately, I can't understand a thing in math. That has never happened to me. She explains and I get it, but then I forget. and I don't understand a thing. And that book I am reading. I can't concentrate on it long enough to read and then when I do it all seems to blend and move together. And I can't rememeber what I read and don't understand it at all. Plus, I have been way more emotional like now. And depressed and angry. I just can't help it. I don't know why.
Everything is getting to me and I am starting to hink mayeb I am all wrong about everything. Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe I don't have Lyme. Maybe it is in my head. I don't know anymore.
Well, I am sure most of you(women) out there know around that time of the month everything is worsened by 10 times. So, right now, I feel worse than every. I have been so tired and haven't felt well at all. I feel confused and just...weird. I can't exlain. I don't know how to.
I know this is all just a stage and it always passes, but right now I feel horrible and like it is all crashing down. And like I am crashing down. I just...I don't know...I have to stop crying long enough to see. I can't see the key board through tears.
Goh, I guess that is all. I don't know. I forgot what else I was going to say now. I am so sorry though for the way I acted I know I am in a 'mood' but I can't help it. I am trying not to go off or anything. I am sorry though. I hope you can understand that . Thanks so much for the replies.
Well, about to cry myself to sleep so thanks so much for everything.
-------------------- Jesus sweated blood over the task that lay before Him.He could have escaped his brutal execution at anytime,but he didn't he stayed there for you.
God bless,Christi Posts: 306 | From Alabama | Registered: Feb 2007
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I am sorry for my mood. I tried to control it. Right now I am not talking to my parents at all, so it is hard for me to talk with them about what I am going through and stuff. I just don't feel comfortable talking about stuff. Ever. I have no clue why I can come on here and tell everything like it is. But, I could never say it out loud to someone.
I was getting somewhere telling my parents more and more about Lyme and stuff, but that has 180ed the other way. I am not talking to them because I am so depressed about the whole bike thing. Which I know is selfish, but thy have no clue how much I really want it. REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT IT. I would do ANYTHING. Really. I cry just thinking about it.
I would rather not say anything else about it. I just hate it has to be that way. Considering I just found one in the paper that would be perfect, but, like they say 'in my dreams.'
Maybe when I become a doctor and have money. But, then I will be to old. I guess it will just ahev to be a fantasy in my head and dreams forever.
Well, I have calmed down a bit now. I did stop crying. Only because my eyes are hurting and they swell really bad when I cry.
Well, thanks for everything. And I truly am sorry about all this. I hope you can understand and forgive me. Thanks so much.
-------------------- Jesus sweated blood over the task that lay before Him.He could have escaped his brutal execution at anytime,but he didn't he stayed there for you.
God bless,Christi Posts: 306 | From Alabama | Registered: Feb 2007
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My computer has been going kinda wacko, and I just got your PM. I am so sorry things are so dark for you right now. I remember going through this same mental stuff when I first got sick, but I found that as time went on, I learned to accept that this was not going to go away quickly and that I had to find the good in what I had. It made things a lot easier. Having Lyme and being a kid is not easy. It isolates you and you feel like your life is passing you by and you are looking at it all through a window. TRUST ME, I know. You are a girl of great strength and courage for having pushed yourself to do sports and go to school after you got sick. I admire that GREATLY Christi. Now, for your parents, is the reason that they aren't taking this seriously because of the huge cost involved with treatment? Pharamceutical companies have programs that help people struggling financially, and they do work. Have you officially been diagnosed with Lyme? If not, I have heard that there are some LLMD's that do take insurance, but they are harder to find. Do you have insurance? Do you have a primary care doctor that is open minded?
I have several ideas for you Christi, and I'm going to keep brainstorming.
Email me directly @ [email protected], this PM thing seems to have bugs in it and I don't get them promptly.
Hang in there Christi, things do get better.
K-lyme
Posts: 227 | From CA | Registered: Apr 2004
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savebabe
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9847
posted
Please hang in there!!! I totally understand how you feel and have been there myself. If you really feel suicidal please call someone and get help. Recently my 23 year old cousin committed suicide and his parents will never recover. Please don't do that to yourself or loveone's. There is always help and maybe some meds could help until you recieve the correct treatment for lyme. Don't give up, it will get better. Many of us are living proof. God Bless. Posts: 1603 | From ny | Registered: Aug 2006
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heiwalove
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6467
posted
hey christi,
so sorry you're having a hard time. please hang in there. i know what you're going through - my family didn't believe me either. it's so difficult when those you're supposed to trust and count on aren't there for you when you need them the most.
but, there's hope. please contact your local lyme support group. someone there will be able to help you, i'm sure of it. also, please write to lymedad; i'm sure he'd be happy to talk to your parents.
posted
i can totally relate to what you are feeling, it is the worst feeling when you have to work so hard to try and convince those who are closest to you of how much you are suffering, and how you feel you must prove it! thank God my family has finally come to understand and have become so supportive but they didnt used to be! so i really hope that your parents will soon come around and begin to realize just how much you are going thru, remember that we care so much and that you have a place to vent, wishing you some peace of mind, radha
Posts: 392 | From New York | Registered: Dec 2005
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heiwalove
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6467
posted
kelmo, i think your comments are really unnecessary and unsupportive. she's just a kid. lighten up on her, ok?
posted
Christi, I'm wondering whether there's any other people at school or in your community you could talk to about what you're going through and that you need Lyme/co-infections testing and treatment.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Dear Christi,
I know how frustrating and torturous it is trying to get others to understand what you
are feeling and how you are feeling. It is not a "good" place to be.
There are many, many others who are or have been in the same boat that you are in.
Getting mad doesn't help although with Lyme it is difficult and sometimes impossible to stop this cascade of emotion.
Lack of funds is not unique to you, your family or your situation.
Shoot, my family still lives in two rooms and a hallway (all that is left of my house since Katrina).
We manage....by the Grace of God, we manage.
Keep praying. Let go and let God.
Turn your anger into something productive.
Ask your parents to lend you the 190.00 for the Igenex test.....or any other extended family members you may have.
You are blessed to have parents, a home and family, health insurance, etc.
As I have never been rich (in money), I do realize how difficult not having it is.
However, I am rich, rich, rich with people who fill my life with compassion, caring and support (namely here on Lymenet).
You are too. God led you here for a reason.
Remember that He does answer all prayers....and that He does not always work within our timetables.
Anger against this disease, it's effects and our ability to cope isn't productive.....It is a waste of valuable energy.
I've learned that the hard way.
Ask God to open your parent's eyes and hearts, to hear what you are asking and needing at this time
and to open the doors for you, so that it can happen.
Anger alienates people....because they DON'T understand what you are going through.
I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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CaliforniaLyme
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 7136
posted
Just to say we have a guy in our local online group- he has never come to meetings but I talked with him on the phone years back- but he got Lymed at a fake powder gun place- what are those called- paint ball>? he got Lymed playing paintball!! in the mountains!! and he and his kid both race dirt bikes and have active Lyme- and like you Christi they won't stop as long as they can breathe and move- but the Dad was seriously off his game for a while- but the kid particpiated in the actual events (>? I don't know the official names of this stuff!) and said if his kid won he was going to make a speech about Lyme- and that his outfit- what is it called- those jumpsuits- his had a LYME GREEN LOGO in honor of being Lymed!!! it is their own way of trying to raise awareness in the dirt bike community- and paint ball community- his name is Russell - Rusty if I remember right- he hasn't posted in about a year but has been in our online group for 7 years now- but the kid had written a speech!!! pretty darn cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so people can dirt bike with Lyme= and he and his kid DO!!!! so take heart kiddo!!!!! I don't know anyone who would buy you a dirt bike!! sorry!!! but there are used ones pretty cheap and you can always check the FREE boards online!!!!
it does sound like a therapist would be helpful- and you need a LLMD to figure out if you are Lymed or not!!!
best wishes, Sarah
-------------------- There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin
All truth goes through 3 stages: first it is ridiculed: then it is violently opposed: finally it is accepted as self evident. - Schopenhauer Posts: 5639 | From Aptos CA USA | Registered: Apr 2005
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
Please hang in there Christi
Life has so many ups & downs.
When I first got lyme I went 7 years without the proper diagnosis & treatment.
At times the lyme went into parcial remmission on its own & I had some breaks here & there where I didn't feel so sick. So you just never know when life will get better again. If I had given up I would have missed out on some really beautiful years.
Then I did some ABX treatments for 5 & 1/2 weeks and was in wonderful remmission for 9 years.
So I guess I just wanted to say life is full of ups & downs & you never know when The pendulum will swing & you will have some good days & years ahead of you.
so hang in there and try to never give up or give in Dana
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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kelmo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8797
posted
I'm sorry it seems I gave an unsupportive tone. I certainly understand what teenagers go through with Lyme, as my daughter has missed four years (and continuing) of her life to the disease.
But, for Wilsongal's protection and interest, she really needs to seek help where it can do the most good. This board is great for support, but it can't take you to the doctor.
It's good to be sympathetic, but we can't be a substitute for what will get her well...getting to a doctor.
posted
Well, first off I am better today. I am almost out of that 'mood'. I am calm. I got kind of agry at Kelmo's remark, but I understand. I went to the races because if I can't race I am going to be right there next to it watching. As close as I can get to what I love!
Thanks so much for the comments. They made me feel a lot better. And I realize all this stuff. Also, one mentioned Katrina. I am so sorry about your home. I raised a lot of money at my school to send for Katrina relief, but I wish I could have helped more. It really makes me so thankful for what I have and wish I could share with everyone else.
I actually begged my parents to let some people that had no where to go because Katrina destroyed there homes to stay with us and go to school here and stuff until there life got back on track, but they said we din't have enough room. I offered to share my bunk bed! But, I couldn't.
I am real soory about how it has been for me lately. It is like I am locked within myself and I see everything going on but I can't control it. I haven't felt very good. But, I am a little better today. My 7 days headache finally went away! I think it is because I am taking so many pain relievers they finally decided to help after a week! But, hey, it went away.
About the comment, of the dirt-bike guys, I love that. That just made my day really! I will try to help. It it is a race and it isn't jumpsuits, but that's a good guess! It is just referred to as gear, jersey and pants, or whatever. But, that is cool how he had a Lyme logo. I wish I had one. I need a bunch of Lyme stickers to put on my helmet and stuff! And my dirt-bike when I get a new one.
I love how they made a speech about it if he won. Very cool. And I love that they are like me in that they refuse to stop doing what they love. Oh and it is paintballing. That is really fun to do! But, yea, I love the dirt-bike thing!
About the 'I can't help wit the dirt-bike thing' I have decided that I am going to do whatever it takes to get me a new one. Not New new but a newer one. I want at least a 2000. I mean my is 1980. 27 years old. It is antigue by now! So, I want to race, but I know that won't happen. But, I can go practice race at the track on Tuesday nights with all the guys. Just so that I can be on tha track. nd maybe one day I can race.
But, not like all over just at the local track and just for fun because I love it!
Well, thanks for all the support.
Oh yea, one person asked me about if I were diagnosed with Lyme and some other stuff, goh, I forgot, but no I haven't been diagnosed. Yes, I have insurance. And I don't really have a general medical doctor. I only go to my bone doctor. And I sometimes go when I am sick, but that is about it.
Funny, enough, I hate going to the doctor when I am 'sick' like flu or something. I just assume let it pass on its own. I don't enjoy taking medicine because I forget and screw it up and stuff so.
Well, thanks so much. I think I am back on track more now. I hope. For now. And I believe I was put here to help people. One person mentioned they wandered why there were put here. And that is my answer. I never wonder why God put me here because I believe he put me here to be a doctor and help people. Because I have such a strong will, desire, and passion for it. So, I always think of that when I get down.
And I would NEVER commit suicide or harm myself. How would I get to become a doctor or race and do what I love if I did that! That's how I think of it.
Well, I think that is all. Hopefully. I don't want to waste anymore time than I have to. Well, thanks so much. For the support and help. It means the world to me really. And I hope everyone has a Great Weekend and Happy Early Easter! Thanks!!!
-------------------- Jesus sweated blood over the task that lay before Him.He could have escaped his brutal execution at anytime,but he didn't he stayed there for you.
God bless,Christi Posts: 306 | From Alabama | Registered: Feb 2007
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LymeDad
Posts: 681 | From California | Registered: Oct 2005
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AZURE WISH
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 804
posted
First I just wanted to say that I understand that someone can be very sick and still walking around seemingly functioning...
I got sick when I was 10 and "managed" (including doing well in school) for 13 years before I got so sick I just physically couldnt anything...
Many of us have done this.
Also I promise you you wont be to old to ride a bike by the time you are a dr. You can have your doctorate before you are 30. And believe me I know 30 seems ancient now but I am 30 and I promise you can still ride a dirt bike at 30.
I have a suggestion and it may be a stupid one (us 30 year olds are prone to make alot of stupid suggestions)
Maybe write a letter to your parents describing everything you are going through with the symptoms you are expereincing...
especailly the difficulties you are having concentrating, remembering, and that the words arent right when you try to read. You might want to add how trying to deal with the symptoms make you feel (sad, frustrated ect)
Then give them the letter and you dont even have to stay there while they read it.
This way you could communicate exactly what you want to say without any confortation or interuption of your thoughts.
lymewreck36
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4395
posted
Greetings from another Alabamian.
I have not followed every one of your posts because I have been in too much pain to sit and read daily. Just had surgery.
I have already told you my story with lyme, how my three daughters have lyme, and my husband. I told you I got it when I was young, in Alabama, and then reinfected as an adult in Connecticut.
I can tell you that when I was young and newly infected, I ended up needing to see a psychologist. I had depression and no one knew why. It was the disease of course. But no one knew that for decades.
If your parents won't believe you about the potential for lyme, maybe a therapist would, and would facilitate a discussion between you and your parents. Give that some thought, and perhaps you can request seeing a "professional" for depression. A school counselor or well respected teacher is another idea that has already been mentioned.
I was in my late 30s when I first told my parents that I was sure the lyme infection began when I was 11 years old and that it was responsible for the year long depression that I had treatment for. They are still in shock to know this. They still can't believe that it could be true, that I was actually infected all those years and no doctor knew it. But the pieces of my life only fit together when one realizes this reality. Then it all makes sense.
I have to say to anyone that comments about a person with lyme participating in physical activities that many, many lyme patients do just that.
I did aerobics for years, on the days I could lift my arms, not knowing what was wrong with me. My teenage daughters who have had lyme most of their lives have played soccer, and my oldest daughter did varsity soccer for a year, until the coach got disgusted with her lyme excuse for poor stamina and suggested she leave the team. Of course she cried rivers that day, but realizes now that resting her body is for the best.
Young people living with lyme in the north east do try to continue their lives to the best of their ability. And I have to believe that anything that gets your heart beat up while being treated for lyme increases your chances for a cure. Just think about pumping those antibiotics into all the recesses of your body. Only exercise can get that done. Lying in bed will not do the job.
And you will find in life that most people are spectators to a thing they would love to do. I know that is a cold fact to present you with, and I say it with the best intentions, but most people have something keeping them from some dream or another.
You are young to understand this, but it is true. NO, life is not fair, I wish I were rich too. My daughters will be off to college soon, and my oldest is shooting for medical school. She would love to go to Columbia. She is brilliant.
But we do not have a college fund because I have been sick most of my adult life and our family has been single income.
So my daughter's choices are limited by this reality. She will have to go to school where the money is, and when she gets her degree, get busy creating her own life the way she wants it.
Although I have no strong love or dirt bike riding, I do have other loves, passions, and dreams of what the healthy me would have been. It hurts to dwell on it. And being 42 years old I realize that the doors for many things have closed. Not true for a young person like you.
You will find that almost everyone on this board, or I'll just say everyone, has been a spectator to the passions of their individual lives. Yes, we all know exactly what you are talking about. And some of us even better than you can know now, becuase we have aged and opportunities will not come again.
WE can't expect a young girl to settle into these realities and accept them with grace. No, your job is to reject such ideas and fight back. But remember that we do know what you are talking about.
I think the best advice, if you wish to act on helping yourself, is to look into ordering the IGENEX testing material. Tell your parents that you will put the issue of lyme to rest if they will facilitate this testing. Bargain with them.
GEt a "prefessional" to talk to and help you talk to your parents. A school counselor or teacher even. Some people on this board would not mind either.
You can go to http://www.lymeinfo.net/brochures.html website and order lyme brochures. There are three different ones. These brochures give a brief discussion of lyme that will add legitimacy to what you are talking about.
The following is a good link that will explain to your parents why the doctor you are seeing does not know about diagnosing and treating lyme disease. It will explain why no one in Alabama is trained to do this or believe in it. http://www.lymeinfo.net/brochures.html
So you must find a person to talk to, get testing done, and request lyme brochures online.
Keep dialoging here for needed emotional support. Other teens and parents will be helpful.
Remember that you will, one day, get your diagnosis and look toward that goal. Wear blinders and don't look around at other things that will upset you, like what you are not able to do right now. Just focus on getting better, and remember that you are young and your entire life is still ahead of you. You are much too young to be thinking any opportunity is over for you.
Finally, for now, remember that money does not itself bring happiness. In fact, I can't say that money would make my life happy. It might make some things easier in the short term, but happiness is something much more complex than getting what you want when you want it.
I am sick and need money, but feel rich in the love of beautiful daughters and a good husband. I am really rich.
I understand that I am 43 and speaking to a very young person. I know that at your age, I must sound pretty stupid. One day you will know what I am speaking about. And you will see how rich you are because of the people that love you. '
O.K. So the best treatment for feeling helpless is helping yourself. GEt the testing from IGENEX, get an adult who will hear you, stay connected with people on the forum that make you feel better, and so on.
You sound like a very strong and very intelligent girl, and I have no doubt that you will get through this. You might be a doctor one day that helps all of us with our illness. Wouldn't that be wonderful. My daughter has this desire.
Remember too that some of us who care about you cannot respond to every post you have, all the time. Life gets in the way.
Sometimes I post what seems ever so crucial to me, and I get no responses. It just happens to people. It means nothing personal at all. Just sick people way too busy. That's all.
It is 1:00 in the morning and my eight year old is in my bed, waiting for mommy. I must go to her. This is what makes me rich. Sleeping next to her. I can't wait. Must go.
Keep us posted. Send me a private message anytime. Be glad to speak with y our parents.
Mary
Posts: 1032 | From North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2003
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lymewreck36
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4395
posted
O.K. Here is the website for ordering brochures. It does not cost anything. Just give your address and they will be sent to you. Order all three, and many copies so you can educate doctors and teachers as needed, therapists too. I give them to the school principal here.
Please order them asap. They will be sent immediately to you. They are very professional and will add legitimacy to what you are telling your parents. They are not long, so your parents will take the time to look at them. And they are thorough. They list additional websites with information, which your parents can search out. You probably have already told your parents about these sites.
Don't give up on this subject and get quiet about it. YOu have to keep plugging away at this until they will get the right testing for you just to make your quiet.
Let me know when you have ordered the brochures so I can stop wondering if you ordered them. :-)
Mary
Posts: 1032 | From North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2003
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A lot of people have pointed you to great possible resources. I pray that they are helpful. I think what I can offer you is that I too am very very very sick and what most people here would consider very high functioning. That can be hard. People who aren't able to work anymore, engage in physical activity or go to school don't understand that you can experience extreme pain and horrific symptoms if you are still-- in your case doing well in school and being athletic-- or in my case maintaining a high level more than full time job that requires traveling etc. and maintaining a high level very physically challenging yoga practice.
I am here to validate for you that it is possible to be as sick as you feel you are and to still maintain in certain areas in certain ways even as you see others slipping out of your grasp. That has definitely been my experience. And perhaps sometimes its harder f you are strong enough to maintain in certain ways because some people will deny you are really ill or deny you their empathy.
Christi...you are an amazing young woman and you have the strength that is necessary to get through this--that is the blessing. It is good that you are reaching out here. I hope you reach out to the other resources that have been identified for you.
I know you want that dirt bike. That is a great desire! It is something to strive for. And...it is critical that you maintain sufficient health to be able to ride it. So in the short term some money that might have been spent on you for things like the dirt bike may need to be redirected to getting healthy. But if you get healthy you should have a long life ahead of you to enjoy (probably more than anyone) riding that bike. Prioritize what it takes to get your parents on board and on getting healthy now. I know its hard to sacrifice your dreams right now, but I only suggest that by doing that now and directing all your energy towards your health now so that you will be able to live your dreams to the fullest.
Wishing you Continued Strength, Resilience and Blessings~ Pomegranite
Posts: 309 | From CA | Registered: Nov 2002
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lyme in Putnam
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11561
posted
I felt this in 2003. I was on iv for 10 mos. found a great LLMD and I psychiatarist that understands lyme. I was given a medicine for OCD. Whatever it takes to get out of this, take. Just find the right doctors to do it. All doctors are not just there to write out perscriptions, but after hearing symptoms, know what you have and what can correct it. It takes a while for meds to work, but hold on. In 2003 I didn't think there was help for this, but you are not the only one even though you think you are because you're feeling like this.
Tomorrow is another day.
Lyme in Putnam
-------------------- He took u to it, He'll you through Posts: 2837 | From NE. | Registered: Apr 2007
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posted
Hey, thanks for the replies. I ordered all 3 brochures so you don't have to worry about me ordering them anymore. Thanks for telling me about them, also.
Well, I am working on dying Easter eggs so, I have to go. Thanks so much!
-------------------- Jesus sweated blood over the task that lay before Him.He could have escaped his brutal execution at anytime,but he didn't he stayed there for you.
God bless,Christi Posts: 306 | From Alabama | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
Also, about the dirt-bike, one of the most important things my parents have thought me is that everything comes for a price and you have to work for everything. So, I have made it my goal to start working again and buy my dirt-bike gear little by little as I get the money for it.
Then, save you for a new dirt-bike. I can use my gear with my antique bike I have now unless I can't fix it again. But, right now I just need a little part and it will run. Until something else goes bad, but anyways, until I get a new one I can use my gear for it.
So, I am going to work hard and make the money to do it. Well, thanks so much for the support. And have a Great Easter Weekend!!!
-------------------- Jesus sweated blood over the task that lay before Him.He could have escaped his brutal execution at anytime,but he didn't he stayed there for you.
God bless,Christi Posts: 306 | From Alabama | Registered: Feb 2007
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