posted
I don't have anyone to talk to but you guys. I'm so glad I have you. I just feel so down. I had a good day physically. Much better than yesterday...
But I'm just so mad/sad/regretful about everything! I want so bad to have a baby but I can't. I want my son to have a sibling. When I can get pregnant (which probably won't be for awhile) I'll have to take antibiotics the whole time. It won't be normal pregnancy.
These days I can't keep up with my 2 year old. I used to be so against letting him watch t.v. and now he watches so much. I feel horrible. I just don't have the energy to play with him... Why can't I be like I used to be??
Thanks for letting me vent.
Posts: 248 | From Tejas | Registered: Jun 2007
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CaliforniaLyme
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 7136
posted
Hey- that was my big sadness when I was sick- we GOT Tv- before that we didn't have one!!! Yup, but it is temporary!!! Remember that!!!!
My pregnancy since Lyme was NORMAL and before Lyme I had miscarriages and a high-risk bedridden pregnancy!!! And life is better now than it has ever been. Sincerely. SO you never know*)!*)!! Cyber hugs to you- Sincerely, Sarah
-------------------- There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin
All truth goes through 3 stages: first it is ridiculed: then it is violently opposed: finally it is accepted as self evident. - Schopenhauer Posts: 5639 | From Aptos CA USA | Registered: Apr 2005
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I'm sorry to hear you're having such a horrible day emotionally.
I am fairly new at this, but I just keep telling myself, take it a day at a time.
If I think too far ahead, I get overwhelmed, afraid, and depressed.
I also strive to be as forgiving and easy on myself as possible, because god knows, not everyone else will be.
Please don't beat yourself up for things that are beyond your control, e.g. not being able to do a lot physical activities with your son.
I am sure you are a wonderful mother. Watching too much t.v. while you recuperate isn't going to do any permanent damage to your son.
He needs you to get the rest you need so that you can better and beat this.
As for me, I've been a huge financial burden on my parents since getting sick. I was supposed to take the Cali Bar this month but since I have no energy to study, I can't take it and thus, I lost my job offer and have to rely on my parents for rent, groceries, etc.
I lay on the couch all day watching Dr. Phil and Oprah!
So what I mean is, I know that it is hard to feel pathetic and a burden to others.
But try to remember that resting is part of your job right now. It is the best thing that you can do for yourself.
Sometimes I like to think of myself as being in a coccoon, ready to re-emerge in the world when the time is right. Posts: 390 | From Oakland, CA | Registered: May 2007
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posted
One of my favorite poems, which I think is very appropriate for times like these:
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-- over and over announcing your place in the family of things.
Posts: 390 | From Oakland, CA | Registered: May 2007
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CaliforniaLyme
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 7136
posted
I am glad you want a baby- they are wonderful*)!!! MANY local women have had babies while Lymed and on amoxicillin and so far no babies have been infected at all- all fine-!!! You WILL have another baby one day fate willing- and you sound like a great Mom- and you will adore that baby that much more for the feelings of doubt and loss you are having right now!!! He or she will be that much more a miracle for you!!! And honestly, the bigger the space between kids the easier it is- for the kids and thus for us as well- my theory anyway*)!
You don't know the future!!! Maybe you will be in full remission sooner than you think!
One thing 9 years of Lyme has taught me is that you can never tell who will go into full remission and how quickly- there are surprises all the time! Best wishes, Sarah
-------------------- There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin
All truth goes through 3 stages: first it is ridiculed: then it is violently opposed: finally it is accepted as self evident. - Schopenhauer Posts: 5639 | From Aptos CA USA | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
You're going to make it Lauren!! Truly you will! I can tell that you have a lot of strength in you!
Hang in there!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Hi Lauren. I know how you feel. I am new to all this too. I have a 6 year old and a 21 month old. I have no idea how I have survived the last 9 weeks. If it was not for my hubby, my family and THIS website, I do not know where I would be.
I struggle through everyday caounting the minutes till someone comes home to relieve me so I can nap. I feel like a terrible mom. I know I am sick but I have missed a lot of fun things.
My son who is 21 months old is the most active kid anyone who has met him has seen. I am not kidding. He climbs, and jumps and does stunts like you wouldn't belileve. He has so many bruises on him you would think I beat him!
I feel so bad that I keep him in a lot more than I would like. I have a small fenced area within mtfenced yard (I know this really doesnt make a lot of sense) that I keep him in that has toys and grass etc. I sit at the table and he plays.
Otherwise We would have to play in the front yard because the back had Ticks in it. I live on a dead end street and he has a ball, but I CAN NOT keep up with him. I can barely brush my hair some days. I think I keep pushing through this because of my kids. If it were not for them i dont think I would be alive.
I too thought I would like another baby someday. It makes me sad that I could potentially infect my own baby. I would never want to have someone go through what we go through let alone my baby.
I think our kids need us to be healthy and happy so maybe we need to focus on that first and having more babies later.
You are not alone. I feel alone at times too.
I hope you feel better soon- Melissa
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
This is a mountain to climb-for sure.
However, you will climb it.
It is a rocky, hard climb, but with everyone here to support you
You will make it to the top.
I have two young children (4 and 5).
I am not the same Mom they have known since Lyme.
I am still their Mom though.
Children adapt very easily. It is us adults that have so much difficulty with changes.
Your baby won't remember that you couldn't do everything you used to.
He/she will remember and think of how secure he/she was in your love, dedication and devotion.
The journey of getting well is as much for your child as it is for you.
BTW, my children are 18 months apart. I probably had Lyme for one or both pregnancies.
Both of my children have tested positive for Lyme.
As there are so many in my area infected with Lyme,
It is possible they got it from another source.
If I and my husband didn't have Lyme, I would have never thought of having my children tested.
I was the first in our area to get diagnosed.
It was my diagnosis that led to others being tested.
I am going to get better.
My children are going to get better.
You are going to get better too.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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I want my son to have a sibling. When I can get pregnant (which probably won't be for awhile) I'll have to take antibiotics the whole time. It won't be normal pregnancy. 
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