Topic: feeling worthless; how do we (I) support loved one when we (I) so sick?
Dawn in VA
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9693
posted
I feel like a worthless shoe.
The basic storyline is that my grandmother, who has been the epitome of a caregiver to me since I was 5, is dying. She had surgery a few months ago and has declined at a really fast rate since. My husband drove me down to see her right after (blood clot= couldn't fly), but we could only spend 1 day there. Since then, she's lost 2/3 of her body weight in three months, refuses to eat, and is now in the middle stage of dimensia.
I just want to hop on a plane tomorrow just to be with her, to hold her in her hospital bed and to love her in person while she's still physically here.
But I don't know how to know if I'm capable of doing it. My health has been on a downward spiral. My asthma is crazy right now, I've had a cold since the middle of Sept., tired, my knees and ankles and stomach are crunching, my face is numb-- you guys know how it is.
I feel very conflicted and selfish. I'll get sicker if I do, but will be so sad and regretful if I don't.
Ugh.
-------------------- (The ole disclaimer: I'm not a doctor.) Posts: 1349 | From VA | Registered: Jul 2006
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joalo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12752
posted
That's really a tough one, Dawn. If it was me, I'd be on a plane tonight. If you don't go you
will always wish you had seen her one last time... if only to say your last good byes. I am
a firm believer that you need to follow your heart and it really sounds like you know what
you need to do. I lost my mother last October and my brother in June. I only wish I'd had the
opportunity to see them one last time...
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
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MagicAcorn
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8786
posted
How about Amtrack or Greyhound.
I actually went from New York to California by bus in 1979 it was one of the most exciting adventures I've ever been on. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
In 1979 things were much more dangerous on Greyhound. Today post 9/11 I do not think I'd be worried about that.
-------------------- Posts: 1279 | From In hiding | Registered: Feb 2006
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lymednva
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9098
posted
I agree that Amtrak is a great way to travel. You an get up and walk around whenever you want, so no worry about clots.
However I found my balance issues made that more difficult last time. I'm in treatment for Babs now.
I say go with your heart. You will not forget it.
Just a little over a year ago my mother was dying, losing weight, and she was eating!
We had hospice care and I called the relatives. Everyone who came was able to have a lucid moment with her and no one regretted making the effort to come and say good-bye.
You will treasure those memories for a long time to come. I also got a lot of good photos of people with her at the end.
There's a priceless one of her looking into my brother's eyes in a way that told us there was no doubt that she knew who he was.
He hadn't been too sure about it earlier, but that was as he was leaving. He said it made the whole trip worthwhile.
Do it for yourself, even if she can't get anything out of it. You will.
Just talk to her and tell her all the things you have in your heart that you want her to know.
-------------------- Lymednva Posts: 2407 | From over the river and through the woods | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Wow, Dawn. I'm so sorry to hear this! How far away is it??
I was with my mother the evening before she died. I consider myself lucky to have been with her every day of her last days.
It was tough, but I did it. HOWEVER, I was in remission at the time!
I know you've been very ill lately and I'm not sure you are able to do this. But if it would ease your heart, it might be worth the trip.
How about your grandmother's children? Are any of them with her??
Dawn
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Dawn in VA
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9693
posted
Thanks you guys. For the hugs and for the advice. I will take it.
I'm on a dose of prednisone (yes, yes, I know... but my lungs lasted without it for as long as they could) and will check into trains and buses directly after I know the asthma is in check and I won't have to make them stop at an ER in the middle of who knows where.
... Unless anyone here is feeling a snowbird's buzz and wants to take trip to beautiful Fort Myers, FL, that is. Do I sound like a travel agent? Maybe "gorgeous, subtropical, WARM..."
-------------------- (The ole disclaimer: I'm not a doctor.) Posts: 1349 | From VA | Registered: Jul 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Dawn in VA: Thanks you guys. For the hugs and for the advice. I will take it.
I'm on a dose of prednisone (yes, yes, I know... but my lungs lasted without it for as long as they could) and will check into trains and buses directly after I know the asthma is in check and I won't have to make them stop at an ER in the middle of who knows where.
... Unless anyone here is feeling a snowbird's buzz and wants to take trip to beautiful Fort Myers, FL, that is. Do I sound like a travel agent? Maybe "gorgeous, subtropical, WARM..."
That's a long way!!! Maybe you WILL find someone who would like to drive you down there! I'm worried about your health though!
Do not go until you feel your condition is stabilized!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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char
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8315
posted
I can understand your desire to be with your grandmother, but I have a different opinion than our esteemed members on this one.
I have missed out on a number of family milestones the last couple years because I was too sick to go through the rigors of travel and the activity itself.
One thing that was a consolation for me was that if I don't protect my health and get well I will not be of service to anyone (that horrible- not worth anything feeling; which is a feeling but false.)in the near future.
I have missed my uncle and aunts' funerals. I esecially wanted to be there to comfort my cousins, who I grew up with and am pretty close to. Missed birth and first yr of my only brothers baby. and so on. My kids don't know anyone from my side of the family very well.
Not that this compares to your situation, I cannot really know what you are going through. or the state of your health.
My kids also have lyme and the thing we see over and over is that if we are overwhelmed at the prospect of an activity; it is too much. Especially if it is something that we WANT to do.
So I am concerned about your health here. It is a very personal decision of course. One reason I have declined to go is that I would ask myself- Would Auntie want me to put myself through the trip knowing what it would cost me. I felt that if she could communicate she would say, No, I know Char s loves me and I don't want her herself out.
I set aside some special time at home to remember and mourn. I am sad to have missed these times, but I am OK with it.
Seems like the really hard thing is that this is such a special relationship.
I hate that you have to make a such a hard decision with this. And I will pray for guidance and peace for you. (and for you to get better!)
Ann-OH
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2020
posted
Maybe there are some alternatives.
Could you get a way to talk to her by phone? Could someone there hold their cell phone by her ear so she could hear your voice and respond if she can?
Could someone bring a laptop with a camera to her bedside and could you get to someone who has the same system near you so you could see each other and talk?
We have video-chats with our grandchildren who are very far awy and it is nearly like being there.
I know that sounds like very cold comfort for both you you, but will it do either of you any good if you travel there and harm yourself doing that.
Hope you choose what is best for you and your heart.
quote:Originally posted by Ann-OH: Maybe there are some alternatives.
Could you get a way to talk to her by phone? Could someone there hold their cell phone by her ear so she could hear your voice and respond if she can?
Could someone bring a laptop with a camera to her bedside and could you get to someone who has the same system near you so you could see each other and talk?
That's a great idea, Ann!
Well-written, Char. I know what you said is very true.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Aniek
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5374
posted
If you can afford it, I'd do train over bus. You can get up and move around more easily and it's a smoother ride so it's easier to sleep.
I'm sorry you are going through this. But don't blame yourself. You are sick, and there is nothing you can do about that.
-------------------- "When there is pain, there are no words." - Toni Morrison Posts: 4711 | From Washington, DC | Registered: Mar 2004
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
I'M SO SORRY TO READ OF THIS! i'm just seeing this for the 1st time, and i was going to suggest exactly what ann suggested to you .... call her!
my very dear aunt called me 4 different times before her death to SAY ONE LAST GOOD BYE as she knew her health was deteriating fast!
do what YOU feel is right knowing how sick you are now, could you put months and years worse.
best wishes to you whatever your decision is!
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
I am so very sorry Dawn to hear about your grandmother
Just wanted to add if you go Amtrack try to get a sleeper car. Friends of ours visited from up north recently & loved the sleeper car. You can actuall lay down & fall alseep. That would be a good way to travel, if you decide to go, since you are still so sick.
Hang in there
I'll keep you in my thought & prayers
healing hugs Dana
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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