Topic: Thanks for your kind words, suggestions & support.
AliG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9734
posted
Carol in PA, Sixgoofykids, merrygirl, Sutherngirl, Kam, Lou, Soleil16, & Ping -
Thank you all for indulging my self-pity. Thanks for caring & trying to help me through this bout of depression.
I really appreciated the helpful ideas & noted your links before deleting my depressing pity-parade.
It was helpful to actually just get it all out & vent all the stuff that I've been holding in since I first realized that "Big Brother is watching me".
Sometimes I find that if I actually write down what's upsetting me & read it back with some other perspective, I can make it stop circulating in my head.
Somehow, re-reading this thread was just nauseating me further. I'm sure that there are an awful lot of people who have things a lot worse than me & I have a lot of nerve feeling sorry for myself.
Coltman- Sorry if I struck a nerve. I have to imagine that there is a reason that you feel the way you do and I am sorry that you are apparently so miserable also. I'll keep you in my prayers.
I'm still depressed but figured I'd spare everyone else from being bored by the details.
Happy holidays everyone. May God watch over you all and grant you restored health, peace & love.
My thanks again to those who have cared.
hugs & prayers, Ali
[ 12-15-2009, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: AliG ]
-------------------- Note: I'm NOT a medical professional. The information I share is from my own personal research and experience. Please do not construe anything I share as medical advice, which should only be obtained from a licensed medical practitioner. Posts: 4881 | From Middlesex County, NJ | Registered: Jul 2006
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joalo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12752
posted
I read the post yesterday and was so sad for you that I couldn't think of the right words to say to you.
I often write a list of everything that is bothering me and then tear it to shreds so nobody will see it. It really does make me feel better.
I'm glad you are here and you matter to me.
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
You add a lot to this forum, so don't worry about letting us know the bad stuff too. We appreciate you.
Posts: 8430 | From Not available | Registered: Oct 2000
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Carol in PA
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5338
posted
AliG, Please don't discount your intuition.
Your husband may not realize that he's being emotionally abusive, but if you're aware of what's going on you might be able to neutralize it.
Unfortunately, your child is absorbing a powerful lesson.
Carol
Posts: 6947 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
I hope things get better for you!!
hugs, melissa
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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AliG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9734
posted
Thanks Joalo
I find that seems to happen to me often lately, feeling at a loss for words.
Thanks for the idea & kind words.
TuTu-
Thanks for the much needed prayers & hand holding. It's probably better that you missed it. It was pretty ugly.
I think it was sort of like an emotional/brain vomit. I had been internalizing too much for too long & sort of regurgitated my upset.
I let everything get to me to the point of being in a very bad place.
I think I scared my mother. I actually was scaring myself. I wasn't going to post because I felt like I'd had enough & was really wanting to give up.
Then it seemed like all heck broke loose & I just had to keep going nonstop for the past two days running around trying to get obligatory things done for my DD & then trying to appear "human" for DH's holiday office party last night.
(Hmmm...just realized that a certain new staff member either wasn't there or managed to avoid having any contact with me.)
Anyway, I can't "multi-task" in my head right now so I had to try to keep myself focused on trying to get each task done & on to the next, hoping to accomplish everything I needed to each day.
I knew that if I sat down & started typing, I would lose track of time & certainly fail to accomplish any part of what I needed to get done.
I have been in WICKED, unrelenting pain throughout all of this which truly made that party last night feel like hell. Especially because I wasn't able to recall some names of people & their children that I have known for about ten years.
OH SHOOT!!! GOTTA GO - gonna be late for LLMD appt!
Thanks to everyone else for your support! I'll come back after my appt!
TTFN Ali
-------------------- Note: I'm NOT a medical professional. The information I share is from my own personal research and experience. Please do not construe anything I share as medical advice, which should only be obtained from a licensed medical practitioner. Posts: 4881 | From Middlesex County, NJ | Registered: Jul 2006
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ping
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6974
posted
Aw Ali, don't fret about being a bother to any of us here, you sweet thang... You just made me think about that song by John Mellencamp, "Everyone Needs a Hand to Hold Onto". Affection is a pressure we all can bear. No exceptions to this rule, not one... Not even COLTMAN!
-------------------- ping "We are more than containers for Lyme" Posts: 1302 | From Back in TX again | Registered: Mar 2005
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Hi my friend.
I must be missing a lot here.
Just want you to know that I am here for you if you need me.
I have two shoulders to cry on, two hands to hold and enough strength
To carry you if you need me too.
Sending you prayers and Angels to you.
(I tried to PM you but your box is full).
Let me know if you need anything at all.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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AliG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9734
posted
Lou, Carol, Melissa, ping, & Geneal
All things I needed to hear. Thanks so much for being there & for caring.
OMT-
While sliding into full-blown Lyme relapse may have magnified my sensitivity and made it harder to cope, I don't think that any non-infected person wouldn't have looked at all the "evidence" and surmised that I was (possibly am) losing my DH.
I think it was the relapse that made it feel impossible to cope & impossible to stop thinking about every possible thing in my life that could deepen my depression.
Perhaps feeling great emotional distress over disagreements between my friends here, witnessing and empathizing with the emotional pain that some were feeling AGAIN because of perceived repeated lack of support, may have contributed to my self-isolation.
I think Lyme makes me unable to handle criticism productively & might make me overly sensitive to comments intended to be joking around when I start having communication difficulties or coordination problems again.
I also realized that I had been in a slow decline, progressively worsening, not having herxes but overall noticing general improvement.
I had been on the same meds & slowly declining for many months now. I had to push myself too hard over the past three days & I think that just took down my immune system resulting in full-blown return of all neuro symptoms.
TG I had called to get in earlier to see LLMD when I was actually feeling suicidal (posting of first thread). By the time I got to his office, I was so bad that it was unavoidably obvious in my inability to maintain an intelligent conversation.
I'm sure he'll probably tell me next time how bad I looked at this appt. - He does that to me when he can tell I'm feeling better. (That's hoping that I'll be doing better at the next appt. Gotta try to be optimistic)
Psychologically, I think I'm doing a bit better since LLMD wrote for a change of Rx. I haven't started taking them yet, but it gives me some hope that things will change for the better.
I definitely do need to get myself another weekly scheduler. I used to get the planners that have 2 pages/week with each day running from top to bottom & it helped immensely with keeping track of cyclical stuff.
I tried to keep track of everything in a PDA but the typing on that little thing somehow seems annoying when I don't feel very well. I never managed to get into any kind of routine where I could do it without having to think too much about it. Writing still seems easier when feeling like dung.
I've been very bad about writing stuff down. I think that I stop doing that when my memory issues get better & I don't realize that I should keep up with it until I fall back into a hole & CRS again.
Very good points! Thanks so much for that.
Geneal,
I think the prayers & Angels must be helping because I'm not feeling quite as bad. Actually I think I have many Angels here & even one forsaken (banned) Angel who was watching, saw my last post & immediately e-mailed me some tremendous support.
Maybe it does have something to do with the shortened daylight hours this time of year & the decreased Vitamin D that seems to lend to depression & anxiety amongst us.
I also got some new Vitamins while I was at the pharmacy with extra D. I'm hoping they will help me cope a little bit better.
I'm so sorry about the mailbox. HONESTLY, I DID make room last time but someone slid in there before you. I really have to go through & see what I've been meaning to reply to & address them but my head's been a bit scrambly[sic] lately.
I have to find a way to save all of the old messages that have info in them that I may need to refer back to somewhere else on my PC. I wonder if I can copy them to a MSWord file or something. Too much brain power required to do that right now.
I made some room again. I'll try to send you a PM so you can just reply & not get booted. It's kind of like a reservation since I usually don't delete them for a long time when they go into my "sent" mail.
It really seems to stink how each relapse seems to get more & more depressing. I try harder each time to deny that I'm going down until denial becomes impossible. I still try to believe that if I refuse to believe it's happening it can't actually happen. You think I'd know better by now.
I also want, so desperately, to be "cured" that I keep trying to "will" it to be so. My DH thinks this is frustrating when I go backwards? He should try being IN the relapse!
The last time I relapsed into a hole a very wise Northstar slapped me across my PM face with a directive to "GET TREATMENT!", forget everything else & focus on one thing, "GET TREATMENT!"
I'm glad I kept that PM because it's so hard to lose sight of the fact that in relapse, when it becomes so hard to focus one's train of thought, the only thing that stands a chance of getting us out of that ugly place is treatment.
The problems will still be there once we are able to think again, but at least if we can think we stand a chance of being able to think them through & deal with them effectively. There's not a lot of hope for doing that if we don't find a way to get help.
The support of friends & others who are going through the same thing does go along way toward pulling our heads above the water line & helping us tread water until we can get a hand to pull us back out.
I am so grateful to all of you who repeatedly help pull my head up when I'm drowning and help me tread this dark, murking Lyme water. I honestly don't know how I'd have ever made it this long without you!
hugs & prayers (that they find some TRUE easy answers to all of this struggling soon), Ali
-------------------- Note: I'm NOT a medical professional. The information I share is from my own personal research and experience. Please do not construe anything I share as medical advice, which should only be obtained from a licensed medical practitioner. Posts: 4881 | From Middlesex County, NJ | Registered: Jul 2006
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Dear Friend.
I am with you. I am having a relapse too.
Comes on slowly at first.
Now, joints hurting again. Yuck!
However, I know that you and I will both get past this.
I know this in my heart of hearts.
I hope knowing you are truly loved and cared for helps ease
The anguish that you have been going through.
PM me.
I will send you my e-mail address.
I think I was alerted to your "crisis" by the same "banned" Angel.
Thank God for really good friends.
By the way, I am a really good swimmer.
I think we all are. Even when the water at times covers our heads.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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AliG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9734
posted
I'm so sorry that you're hurting too.
quote:Originally posted by Geneal:
Thank God for really good friends.
You've got that right!!!
No matter what my DH may or may not be doing, I still have people I can count on to understand what I'm going through.
It would be awful to have never found Lymenet & to have had to go through this alone.
I am blessed.
Heads up - Incoming PM!
Big Giant (but gentle - ouch ) HUGS back! Ali
-------------------- Note: I'm NOT a medical professional. The information I share is from my own personal research and experience. Please do not construe anything I share as medical advice, which should only be obtained from a licensed medical practitioner. Posts: 4881 | From Middlesex County, NJ | Registered: Jul 2006
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AliG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9734
posted
Quote of the day:
"You're not distracted, YOU'RE A SLOB!!!"
Had to pour milk in a glass for DD, while in the middle of doing something else....set the container on the counter next to the sink, intending to go back & rinse it out before putting into recycling bin.
Of course I promptly forgot about the container because I can not do two things at once right now & haven't been able to for quite a while.
When asked if I left the container there (he knew darn well that I did) I said "Oh I meant to get back to that, but I got distracted."
He says angrily, "You're not distracted, you're a SLOB!!!"
Then I get upset & clear off the rest of the table in a huff. "OH CUT IT OUT!" He yells at me, like I'm not supposed to be hurt or upset by what he just said to me.
Maybe I didn't wake up feeling bad enough about myself today?
Maybe I'm too worried about trying to clean up after DD, the dog, the cat & him, maybe I should just let every man fend for himself.
DD wants to bake cookies today. Now I'm afraid that we'll make a mess that I won't have the strength to clean up. I just told her I'm not so sure it's a good idea. She's upset.
I hate this!
-------------------- Note: I'm NOT a medical professional. The information I share is from my own personal research and experience. Please do not construe anything I share as medical advice, which should only be obtained from a licensed medical practitioner. Posts: 4881 | From Middlesex County, NJ | Registered: Jul 2006
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AliG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9734
posted
Actually, the truth hurts! I AM a slob.
That's how I feel. I feel like that's what I've become. I don't have the strength or energy to keep up with it all.
I HATE IT! Why shouldn't he?
Insensitive creep. He still has no concern for the fact that I found what he said really hurtful.
He's watching the game. I'm going to go vacuum.
He asked me yesterday what I wanted for Christmas. After thinking for a little bit, I told him ,"a 357 Magnum......& some bullets......well actually I'd probably only need one."
Maybe I'll get lucky & he'll surprise me with one. Though right now, I'm not so sure which one of us I'd shoot. It would have to be me because I wouldn't be able to provide for DD on my own right now AND they would arrest me so that would leave her with no parents. That wouldn't be very nice.
I hope you all realize that I could never actually do such a thing. This is just me blowing off steam.
The best I've been able to do is stand under tall trees in electrical storms & plead with Him to take me. I still swear I can hear Him laughing at me when I do that.....
[ 12-20-2009, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: AliG ]
-------------------- Note: I'm NOT a medical professional. The information I share is from my own personal research and experience. Please do not construe anything I share as medical advice, which should only be obtained from a licensed medical practitioner. Posts: 4881 | From Middlesex County, NJ | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Don't know what the original thread waas about- but seems you've had a rough patch. For me- I call them 'emotional storms'.
Since I live alone I don't have too many other people to answer to, or who are making demands or taking my inventory.
At times I think I am too much of a hermit-but I kind of like it that way. Especially now that it's winter- I call it hibernating. I know that my spirits and optimisim will pick up in Spring time.
Take Care Meanwhile- take it One Day at a Time.
Posts: 365 | From Sylvania | Registered: Aug 2008
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Ali..just checking in with you to see how you are doing?
Not able to read all the posts above.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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AliG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9734
posted
Thanks JR & Kam
I turned depression into a raging surge of adrenaline, pushed through pain & fatigue - cleaned (like a wild banshee) kitchen to spotless.
Pushed through pain & fatigue. Kept going even though having to pick up everything I kept dropping & re-cleaning what I spilled. It just fueled my rage.
Pushed through some severe chest pain through back HOPING it was heart-attack, just kept going. Goal was to get whole house clean, set dining room table & freeze a baked ziti to serve for my funeral.
Got as far as cleaning kitchen, vacuuming & mopping. Flipped out when things I had JUST put away where taken out again & left all over floor in my bedroom.
Everyone was outside playing in snow. Let out huge scream & threw vacuum at wall. Broken vacuum, hole in wall. Not good.
Didn't speak to DH for days. DH asked DD,"What's wrong with Mommy?" I BIT his head off!!! "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!"
Took a day for him to figure out & he apologized- said not a slob - sorry - should never have said that. I just looked at him & said nothing. Let him live with the hurt he caused me for a while.
I CRUSHED myself, but it didn't work as I planned, guess I didn't push hard enough before I vented, I didn't die just had massive relapse. LYME STINKS!!!!
Chest pains eventually went away. LLMD changed ABX. HUGE scary herx but feel starting to pull out of it now.
DH's been trying to be a bit more considerate again.
Thanks for asking.
I guess maybe I can rally when I want to. LLMD wants me to go to cardio though. I should probably do that first before I try that again.
-------------------- Note: I'm NOT a medical professional. The information I share is from my own personal research and experience. Please do not construe anything I share as medical advice, which should only be obtained from a licensed medical practitioner. Posts: 4881 | From Middlesex County, NJ | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Whoa- I have had that same thought-my plan to die of natural causes-don't tell anyone when you think you are having a heart attack. Scary
How old is DD? Just thinking ahead to when you might be able to leave DH to live a more peaceful life.
Posts: 365 | From Sylvania | Registered: Aug 2008
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