posted
I've been home all week, not really doing much of anything. Just some light chores and mom stuff.
I've realized in this time just how much my going to work takes out of me. I am "not here" when I'm here, not always. I spend alot of time recharging.
This week, I've been having more in-depth conversations with my kids. I made some homemade soup.
I've taken care of a few things that I've put on the back burner for a long time. I've realized that there are still things on the back burner that need to be taken care of- by me.
I didn't work much last week, either. One day I did work, and I did something really, really stupid.
It was a classic lyme-brained thing to do. Other than word-search in conversation (and sounding ditzy), that's the first time I have ever done a stupid thing at work.
Not a normal stupid thing, we've all done those. A lymebrain-stupid thing.
Now I am a bit hard on myself, as far as that's oncerned. The way I see it, I have to be.
I absolutely must be better than just competent. That's my nature, anyway. But with memory and word search issues, it becomes even more important to me to know that I can perform to my satisfaction.
Since my aches and pains began I have known my career might be cut shorter than my original plan. I was okay waiting for "the time".
Since my cognitive issues developed, I have been re-evaluating myself constantly. I am always wondering if my cognitive deficiencies are preventing me from seeing the extent of my cognitive deficiency, OR if my need to be critical of my performance is making it out to be more than it is.
Nobody I know is of any help at all. My supervisors think I'm great. (One even commented to me recently "I thought you said you were sick. You'd never know it by this!", when I did something well and she was complementing me.
My husband, who is terrific about it all, just tells me that I can do it until I feel I can't anymore.
The biggest problem, I guess, is that I am incapable of making a decision! I cannot determine whether or not it's time to go. A different day yields a different decision.
Then of course, there's the issue of getting up and out to work and being involved in the world.
Wow, I am a windbag today!
Posts: 797 | From New York | Registered: Feb 2008
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
hey Carly!
dont underestimate the mom stuff. I think all moms do to some extent, but it is hard work. I am barely getting by today so I know first hand what its like. so dont be so hard on your self!
Think about how physical being a mom and wife can be. laundry, dishes, having kids climb on you all day, trying to be a partner to your husband its all so hard sometimes.
As far as work goes-
I used to be super career oriented. It defined me, and made me who I was and a lottle of who I am . Now that I am disabled and cant work it makes me sad how I cant perform at all. I think you will know when its time to go. To me based on what you said it doesnt sound like it is. If I ever made a big mistake at work, I would want to quit. I wanted to be the best that there was.
I didnt have to work sick so I cant imagine the pressur ethat brings. Try to re group and refresh. take a mini vacation from work if you need to! Just a day or 2 even. MAke sure you are taking care of yourself. DO things for yourself!! you will be no good to anyone if you run yourself into the ground. I say take this weekend (If you dont have to work) and nap, rest, take a hot bath, start or finish a hobby.
you are a wonderful thoughtful person, and I want you to be happy~
have a great day and weekend!
hugs, \
melissa
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Hi Carly and Melissa (love that name, my daughter's name too), I can really relate. I can remember the exact date I knew I could not work. My husband said he never saw me so bad mentally...that was 3 yrs. ago.
Now my cognitive function is very poor and worsening. Cannot do abx as I'm sure they caused my gangrenous appendix near rupture and several heart issues. I'm just disgusted and feel useless. My poor husband, we have been in separate bedrooms for 5 years, ya know what I mean?
I don't know how anyone with lyme can handle raising small children. I give you so much credit.
Melissa, I give you SO MUCH credit- having the issues you have with this disease and also being a good mom. Your kids are younger than mine and require a level of care and supervision that frankly I can't handle. You and all in your position are so strong. As the kids get older, they WILL appreciate it.
No way did I mean any offense to anyone! I hope nobody took it that way. I just meant to explain what I've been doing with myself and realizing (yes in one week!) how much of it I neglect to do when I am working.
I think all moms who work do this. I've had some in-depth conversations with my 10 yr old about different things like the plotlines in goosebumps books vs. the plotlines in another series (I forget which one).
I picked out some paint color samples with my 12 yr old for her room. (She chose a lime green, btw.)
I can't do these things (adequately)when I am using all my energy to get ready for and then recover from work (mentally and physically). I can't fully get into them. I can't really enjoy the activities.
~BTW, I work 21 hrs a week. Not alot by healthy people standards, but by lymie standards, I'm at full capacity.~
I've never really felt that my career defined me, even though that's what it sounds like. It's just that I want to leave on my terms , not on lyme's terms.
Maybe I have control issues ? :-) BUT... who doesn't with this disease??
Gin- I'm sorry your cognitive issues have not improved. I appreciate your sharing your experience with me as advice. It helps.
I look at this illness as a temporary thing. Yes, still. I don't know what's going to get better and what's not. If I knew, there would be no dilemma.
Topaz - I am not going back once I leave. Ever. That much I know. I'll volunteer at Church or in the community if and when I'm up to it.
....................................... Oh, and my kids are not small. My youngest is 10. So the "mom thing" for me is much more pleasure than work.
Thanks for your input. I'm interested to see what others -who can identify with me- think about this.
As I said, I don't really get any help from anyone around me.
Posts: 797 | From New York | Registered: Feb 2008
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Being a working mom is hard enough--you already tend to feel guilty that work is taking you away from home too much, and the better you do with work, the more you can get the "mom guilt."
I am currently working full time with no one else to take care of when I get home, but I can empathize very much with how much work takes out of me--I am struggling with the frustration that I have almost no time or energy for all the things outside of work, which is the part of my life I really enjoy.
Luckily I like my job. But if I were forced to stop working, I would be losing my identity and my independence, and I would hate that.
On the other hand, I so wish I didn't have to work every day because then I could get some rest and still have a life. But I don't have a choice.
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Melissa. You said: 
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