merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
thanks for reading this.
I have had rage and irritability and mood swings for a long time. I take abilify which helps but nothing has "cured" it.
It just feels like everyone is messing with me.
I am so not a people person.
I lost a good friend this week beacuse I felt that it was a one sided friendship. Instead of simply avoiding this person, I responded to an email in a hateful way. I didnt want to hurt the person but I also dont want people "walking" all over me. I am a very blunt person who doent mince words. I dont know if this is always the best thing.
Today A friend irritated me. basically changed our plans all around and invited all these other poeple and changed where we are going. I wanted to vent out and send back an angry email in response. But I was able to control myself this time.
why Does it always feel like someone is screwing with me? Why do I take things so personal?
Why cant I just roll with the punches?
I dont have many friends so I dont wnat to lose any more. I just dont want to go to the different place with all these people. I thought it was going to be a nice quiet day at the beach. Not anymore. I feel like no one takes my feeling (or illness) into consideration. I feel like I give and give myself and get little in return. or so it feels.
I just want to be easy going and relax.
another example was something that happened last week.
my hubbys family met up for dinner at a place that was across from the beach. The beach was closed due to bacteria (the water) so I really didnt want to go to the beach afterwards, let a lone let my kids play in the sand. (dirty water = dirty sand) everyone else thought I was being anal.
I will say that it was a beautiful night warm with a cool breeze at sunset. The kids were all playing (in the dirty sand) and the adults were playing football and volley ball. I just sat on the beach wall and watched. I was a little achey but all in all not tooo bad. But I just wanted to leave. I kept asking is it time to leave yet? My hubby asked why I like to wreck all the fun and why is it about me all the time?
I had no where to be. I wasnt sick at the time. So whats the probelem? It just feels like I am the negative nelly the one who is no fun. I am not spontaneous at all anymore. Why Am I such a stick in the mud?
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
I am absolutely in your shoes on this one. I take Lamictal and Bupropion which both help but still, when the Lyme is acting up (when isn't it?) I get cynical, negative, bitter and sometimes irrational. The sadest irony is being someone who "should" be so smart, arguing a point that is valid, but doubting yourself because you never quite know when you really are "right."
An instance came up with my brother recently. I'm not sure if I talked about it here. At any rate here is how it went:
My nephew had his first communion Saturday. I was unable to go because of the flight to Italy two days later. I'm at the airport right now in-fact.
At any rate, to keep this short, my brother and family have always been dickheads around the holidays. As if the pain of missing the day because we're sick isn't enough, we also have to listen to them cry and complain about how we've disappointed them once again by not showing up.
My brother (His son had the communion) told my mother (who did go) that he was disappointed I couldn't make it, and he said "If he can make a 15 hour flight to Italy, then why couldn't he spend two hours visiting me?
At the bottom line, I called him up and gave me a very patient/kind piece of my mind. I explained the facts. It is always he who is the victim, as though he couldn't come visit me. I'm the one sick! He complained about not having met my current girlfriend of 3 years, and I said the same thing, why don't you come to visit me instead?
He deflected and went on to say how he understands my sickness, and then in the same breath said "It was only 2 hours, "
I told him "I'm sorry you feel disappointed, but the reality is, if you expect too much, your going to be let down.
He was ice cold and we left it on that note. At least he was honest with me, but he defintely doesn't understand and he likely won't for quite awhile.
I really have come to a point where clearly there is an impasse. Reasoning with people who are unreasonable is not possible, no matter what their intentions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? The reality is, I'm sick and I barely made it to Italy. I'm now flaring up horribly and everything hurts. I dealt with enormous stress all week. I couldn't possibly extend myself even an inch over what I knew my limit to be. My priorities were sane and appropriate.
My PCP left the practice she worked in between my scheduling my trip and her prescribing my medicine for 3 months. I wasn't informed until 2 weeks before my trip. The doctors at the practice she left said they'd continue to fill the prescriptions until my PCP was established at her new practice. When I called to tell them I needed 3 months of xyz, they told me "no". They told me that my records demonstrated that I was being treated in a fashion that was not in line with their practices stance on my illness. They said that even still, asking for 3 months was too much to ask.
So, I called the other practice, and they told me that my PCP wasn't starting until Mid May. I was leaving for Italy on May 10th. They told me they could not help me.
Now do the math. How would I get my meds? It worked out in the end, but this was only one type of stress I was facing. I made numerous phone calls. I had to track down my PCP on the internet and get her personal contact information so that I could get the help I needed. That is sad and pathetic. I had to interrupt her personal life. Neither practice would get in contact with her so she could be informed. Once I contacted her she was more than happy to help me, but everyone stood in my way. All the people who are trying to help.
They are still the enemy, whether I understand their point of view or not.
My brother is the enemy. My mother was the enemy. All who claimed to support me, but stood in my way claiming they have my best interest in mind -- yet harm me, whether with psychological threats such as blaming me, attempting to guilt me or otherwise force my hand to do things that serve them and not me, are unacceptable.
Those who do wrong in this world always believe in their core that they're doing what is right.
It's either me or them. I'm not accepting the unacceptable.
How depressing is this? As a result of all the stress that took place, I had a massive Crohn's Disease flare up in another country, without health insurance and can not begin the Bionic until this is put into remission.
We didn't even know what afflicted me at first. We thought kidney infection, kidney stones, blocked colon, collitis, Crohns, muscle strain - a whole list. But since I'm practically a god damn doctor I knew my options were likely antibiotics, fruit shakes, let a stone pass, - you know the drill, and take anti-inflammatories up the *** and down the gullet. So I left no stone and treated for everything. Luckily my girlfriends parents had Levaquin, suppositories, Nexium, VSL probiotics on hand, and the prescription drug Asacol is pretty cheap to buy here. We bought heel drops too but I didn't use them much. I had great results with them when I used them for my G.I. system a few months earlier. At any rate I've lost about 15 lbs. I'm telling you, this is a great diet people. The First Communion weight loss diet.
My bowel aches like hell but is healing exceedingly slow. We're almost there, but it's been 2 weeks wasted. I still have plenty of time, but I've literlly been bedridden this entire time.
So, this is how I feel. This is Total bull****. I blame them (family)all for this, and I am angry. This is why people like that are our enemies. The doctors who try to prevent us from treating, those who force our hand, etc.
I will get thru it, but this is the entire reason from the beginning that I didn't go to that God damn communion. It would have tipped the scale and I knew it. I know my body well, and when forced to, I push it almost to it's breaking point, but never ever because I choose to for something like a "gathering". I only do it, such as to take a trip to Italy to get a special treatment after I've spent 8 years doing everything else and failing.
So yeah, **** them for this. It hurt like hell too, it's the large colon right next to the terminal illium (appendix area), in'fact it feels just like an appendix that needs to go, except mine was taken long ago.
By next week I should force it into remission and begin. Frustrated, very frustrated.
This was back in May. I'm not as seriously ill now but of course the Lyme is still being difficult.
What sucks even more is I know this isn't who I naturally am. I know inside there is "me" somewhere who ultimately should be drug free, lyme free, and completely sane.
Who knows what is real, reasonable, fair, or even appropriate anymore?
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
Cliff Notes on my post above: I know exactly what Merry Girl is going through. People pull the same **** on me. I also don't always feel sane or capable of knowing what is always appropriate since my own mind is often the enemy just like a lot of people.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
littlebit27
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 24477
posted
I have gotten to be the same way. I was a much more patient and caring person before. Now I am not patient, I get really PO-ed, really easy. Thinks that use to roll off my back irritate me to no end now.
And then when I get irritated and upset, I get stressed, which is turn makes the Lyme flare up, which in turn makes me more irritable, it's a never ending cycle.
I try to explain to people that they can not stress me out or I will react poorly. They can not expect me to be healthy if I can't even stay stress free for more then a day.
It has been a trying summer for me. Between work, my husband (who doesn't "get" it), my mom who will ask me about everyone under the sun-except me, my step-kids being here for the summer (and there mother, who needs help-seriously), my daughter's school starting in two weeks, no pain meds, no PCP because current one just thinks I am a drug addcit, no LLMD in sight or in budget to treat lyme + pain and anxiety, losing health insurance.
posted
quick answer...........me too........I get so irritated by everything............and completely fixated on things that overtake my being and wear me down.................I could go on and on about this but I am so tired.......but your not alone........
-------------------- Oct 09 Positive CDC Western Blot Jan 10 Positive Babesia Duncani Jan 10 Cd57 28 Mar 10 EBV, IgM, IgG HHV-6 IgG Posts: 739 | From NC | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
I have recently added a zinc supp. to my routine. (zinc is one of the supps that help to treat KPU. My dr wanted the urine test done, but I haven't, just added the zinc, 15mg).
I was just (about 30 min ago) telling my husband I think it has been a HUGE help in my moods/attitude. Just sharing, for whatever it is worth.
Posts: 113 | From CA | Registered: Jun 2010
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lymeinhell
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4622
posted
I have to say I was in the same place you were for about a decade (the time in which I was sick with Lyme & co and didn't know it). It always seemed life was just too hard, I flew off the handle when stressed, and ****ed many a person off without even knowing it. In my head I was pleasant, but looking in from the other side was a very different picture.
I'm not sure what specifically changed me, other than proper treatment and getting better. I still get stressed now and then, but people perceive me differently. Maybe it's the beta blockers? Rhodiola? Rhodiola was a godsend while I was still sick - it protects the body from the effects of stress.
Anyhoo, you are not alone, this is not you, it's the illness, so don't kick yourself over it.
-------------------- Julie _ _ ___ _ _ lymeinhell
Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed. Posts: 2258 | From a better place than I was 11 yrs ago | Registered: Sep 2003
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Thanks guys. I appreciate the support and it helps to know I am not alone. I feel bad that this also happens to you guys.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Last year, I asked my doc for something to help me sleep because my husband was in the hospital for emergency surgery. I also asked him to give me something for the awful muscle/ache/tension "ickie-achies" that I get. They make me physically irritable, which makes me emotionally irritable. He gave me flexeril. It works! The ickie-achies melt. Because I feel better physically, I'm not emotionally irritable.
So, evaluate yourself. If your emotional irritability is triggered by a physical lyme symptom, try asking for something to treat the lyme symptom.
-------------------- Lyme is like the flu. You can get it and recover, but you can always get it again. Posts: 607 | From (deer tick)Heaven! Angeles National Forest | Registered: Oct 2000
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